No I'm not having a 70s flashback. I'm referring to the Nuclear Meltdown that occured in my home this afternoon. I had sworn not to address it in tonight's entry because I had another topic ready to explore, but as I went through the remainder of the evening, what Steven told me really demanded closer examination.
The meltdown basically came when the kids broke the house rule and invited a friend in with no parent present. This, compounded with the other rule they broke (playing before chores) sent me into a complete coniption. This has been happening more and more, and I finally determined that while I'm devoting so much energy on getting ME cleaned up, I needed Steven and the boys to handle getting themselves in order. I just don't have the energy to chase them down to tell them how to act when they should already know. All my energy is going into what I'm trying to do for myself and for my health.
Steven commented (much later when the mushroom cloud had disappeared and my hair had returned from it's snake state) that I needed to share how hard my journey is with him. That I come off, even in this journal, as being in control and being strong.
This took me by surprise because I've been more honest in this journal than I've ever been. My family and friends read this, so I'm really opening doors I have never before opened. I felt very vulnerable and weak even as I addressed how difficult some of my challenges had been, but Steven says that I make it look "easy".
I work really hard at what I do because I'm motivated by mortality. I'm scared quite literally to DEATH of failing.
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1 comment:
I find I'm more honest with my journal too ... I touched on a painful subject for me ... it's a small little blurp as I really am ashamed of what I do. This is a wonderful place to explore these things in our life and help us become the thin person we are inside.
Monica
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