AOL Blog Controversy

Granted I have been far more faithful to my Myspace blog than my AOL blog for a while now, but I didn't realize there was a big broughaha going on about the ads that now grace the top of these blogs.

Apparently the J-Land population is up in arms that they have to deal with these ads -which are controlled by AOL and not any of us.  Since AOL is a paid service, and everything under AOL falls under that service (journals included), many feel that this is pretty bogus.  Some are going as far as taking their blogs off of AOL altogether - something I realized as I was going through my Favorites folder "Journals", which had a gazillion blogs bookmarked from my avid J-Land participation a year or so back.

Considering that AOL is still fairly expensive in comparison to other ISPs, I think it is pretty cheesy that they milk advertisers for more money just because the blog phenomenon took off. 

I guess it never phased me because Myspace is covered in ads, but it's also a free service.  It's also a better blog service, to be quite honest.  You have a lot more control over personal expression, the blog subscription service is a lot more reliable and it's just more user friendly.  It's a lot better because you can see who's reading your blog, and the networking aspect is awesome.  You can join a bunch of blog groups with people who have similar interests, and now it features a "Most Popular Blog" feature.

I've kept up the AOL journal for those times I feel like discussing personal stuff, and kept the Myspace blog more light hearted.  That's still my intent.

But I have to say the more I think about it, the more I resent that I'm getting charged for AOL AND dealing with ads, for a service that is considerably sophomoric at best.

Therefore, if any of you wish to keep up with me, you can see me on a more regular basis over at http://blog.myspace.com/allgingerallthetime. 

The Emerald City

I've often referred to the Wizard of Oz in comparison to the journey that I'm on.  My sister in law surprised me with a birthday present of The Wizard of Oz, the book, which was totally cool.  She reminded me that being courageous isn't the absence of fear, but action in the face of it. 

How true. 

The good news is the more active you are in the face of fear, the more the fear abates. 

For instance, my writing career. 

The first time I sent out queries for "Fatty", I was scared and apprehensive.  I needed to see a response to validate the work I had done.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the book did what it was supposed to do.  It entertained an audience for one, which is the purpose of any book.  People connected emotionally with a character I really feared would come across as unsympathetic.

I thought I'd lose readers left and right because of the continual mistakes "Gina" made.  How could anyone feel sympathy for someone who willfully self destructed? 

Truth was, I didn't feel a whole lot of sympathy for Gina myself.  Which is why I've beat myself up for so long.  That negative speak was coming from me about me and it was stopping any good thing from happening to me. 

Through writing this novel, I got to look at this character from an adult perspective, with all I've learned being a parent.  I went through a bunch of feelings reliving my past, anger at the people in my life who let me down, to finally realizing that as many mistakes that they made I didn't have it as bad as I always seemed to think I did.  I went from being angry with my mom to finding a lot of sympathy for her situation.  I could understand now why it was easier to hide in work than deal with a stranger. 

It makes it a lot easier to move on.

So not only did my audience never lose their love for my character, I actually grew to love that kid.  Without realizing it, I comforted that kid who was sad and alone after dad died.  That was a pretty big deal.

And most of all, I was truly myself and I wasn't judged by the world as I expected to be.  I found out it's okay to be me, to be imperfect.

What a revelation!

But that didn't stop me from quaking in my boots when I sent out queries to those big time agents who have the power and authority to either open a door for my career, or keep it bolted shut.  Would they realize the total fraud I always felt I was?  That my writing, while I liked it, wasn't really worth millions of dollars to publish and distribute?

Finally I grabbed myself by the shoulders and said, "Hey!  You're an optioned screenwriter.  That means a professional director/producer believes in you.  Studios have continually given positive feedback.  Get a grip!  You're good!  You have something to say!  For God's sake.... Say it!"

So even though I didn't hear anything for the first two weeks, I sent out more queries last night after my journal entry.  And I wrote a story and sent it to a magazine for publication. 

And to top it all off, I responded to an ad for a contract screenwriter. 

Michael J. Fox was on Inside the Actor's Studio and he said something that resonated with me.  He indicated that he and that class were special - their talent was that they were communicators. 

I never thought of it like that.  I'm a communicator. 

Therefore I have a responsibility to get my stuff out there, because not everyone has that gift and by burying it under fear I'm actually taking that gift for granted.  I'm already good, I simply have to convince these big time agents.

That sounds so conceited.  My years of religious bondage make that unbearably difficult to write without cringing.   I've always waited for "proof".  A sale, namely.  But the proof is that I can write stories that touch other people.  I can take a simple blank page and create a world where one does not exist.  I can create people that make you laugh or cry or love or hate. 

If I'm not convinced I can do that, there's no way I'm going to convince those agents of the same.

Therefore the Emerald City I'm marching towards is definitely one of self esteem.  One that says, I have a right to be here.  I have a right to be heard.  And most frightening of all, I have a right to be seen.

It all comes back to action in the face of fear. 

The next step?  A screenwriting conference where I get to pitch industry folk face to face.

I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I *do* believe in spooks...

Hello? Is this thing on?

I know it seems like I've fallen off the face of the planet, but I haven't.  I'm still around, and I'm still hanging in.  I'm actually doing pretty good.  I'm more active by far, trying to get a lot of walking in.  I'm easing into this exercise thing, and so far so good.

I bought another Pilates ball and that's on my immediate To Do list.  I just have to find the DVD I bought to go with it several months ago.  That will probably come with a cleaning jag I feel necessary.  Clutter is not my friend, and yet I still cannot part with it.  It's not CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) but it could be better.

I've abandoned perfection.  I've got critters, both the four legged and the two legged kind.  My house may never smell great or even be totally kept up.  It's better, though, so I feel somewhat in control.

The eating is still iffy.  Some days are good, some days are eh.  But for the most part I've lost weight, which is a good thing.  I weighed in at a whopping 310 on December 2, and I'm back down to 306.  My goal is 10lbs a month, but I'm not going to be rigid about it.  As long as the numbers on the scale is going down or the measurements are going down, I'll be okay.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  I'll get there by endurance.

Although I did buy a scale for the house.  So far it's keeping me honest and I'm not over-weighing.  As long as I can keep it as information instead of obsession, I think it could actually be useful.

I've also committed to my sister that we would take self defense classes together.  This is my Year (ear ear ear) of Courage (ourage ourage ourage), and one of the things I've always put off until The Great When (when I lose weight, etc) was taking martial arts classes.  I've always wanted to but I always said when I get more fit I'll do it. 

Well, it's not really an excuse when you consider that it's pretty decent exercise in and of itself AND it helps teach the discipline which can benefit everything else.  Basically I just didn't want to be fat and in a class with a bunch of non fat people, who could do the things I don't feel I can do (gym anyone?).  Basically - I'm a'skerred.  So, I'm not going to put it off past January.  That's when I'll allocate funds especially for it, after the Christmas crush is behind us.

I'm also getting out more, like going out for Artwalk this past Thursday. 

Babysteps.

I didn't go to the doctor like I was supposed to on the 7th.  Apparently they didn't have me in their computer, even though I called what.. three weeks ago?  So I went ahead and made another appointment for January.  Steven said that I procrastinated so much I didn't confirm till last minute because I was being passive aggressive about it and avoiding it.  And he's right.  The gynocologist is not my idea of a fun time, and I avoid doctors generally like the plague anyway.

I'm always afraid the next time I see one they'll tell me my bad habits have caught up with me (The Big D), and I'll have some incurable disease that I could have prevented had I been a little smarter.

But I can't keep going through the PMS cycles.  The guys are going to soon take monthly vacations to get away from me.  There's no sense in going through this when there's another way.

This new appointment is pretty solid, I'd think, considering I made it face to face and actually watched them put the information in.  So no getting away from it.  And this time I will confirm.

The waiting is always worse than just getting it over and done with. 

My goal for December?  Not go broke.  I always overdo it on Christmas, feeling like I have to do it bigger and better every year for the kids' sake.  Which is ridiculous because I can't remember any of the gifts I got as a kid, even the ones I absolutely couldn't live without. 

One gift I remember is Mr. Mouth - that game where this little mechanical head goes around in a circle and four players try to flip their little chips into it's mouth when it opens.  The reason I remember this gift?   My mother and my sister and I played it all night long.  Back when I was 9, that was a big deal.

So my goal is to get the gifts that they want, but not drive myself into the poorhouse to do it. 

The real gift is that we'll be together.

And Timothy got the Christmas gift of a lifetime at his ROTC military ball last night, where he finally got to dance with the girl he likes.  He's walking on air.

I can't top that one.

So I guess you could say I'm approaching life consciously.  I'm not living by impulse too much, and if I do I self correct it as soon as I can.  Changing habits to change outcomes.

And I'm still filling out applications and sending out queries and feelers for the writing too.  I'm actually to the point where I can't remember what I was afraid of in the first place.

That, my friends, is progress.