Blog called on account of Migraine

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That first step is a LOO LOO

The step back up to the wagon is a whole lot higher than I remember.  Getting back on program today was SO HARD.  I fought the temptation all day to eat right, and having leftover goodies (aka baddies) around didn't help my willpower at all. 

I also ended up taking a nap, which meant I didn't want to do diddly when I got up.  I got some work done and some writing done but it was like pulling teeth.

So the last thing I wanted to do was hit the gym today.  I did go and I weighed in to make sure I had no excuses to slack off.  I won't do my official weigh in until next Monday, so I have an entire week to change what I saw today.

Let's just say it was bad.  And I figured out why.  I didn't do too badly on the food choices I made, but the alcohol consumption was up.  Let me emphasize again how much this affects weight loss.  I'm living proof.  I walked my tushy off and I didn't pig out, yet I still saw a gain.

Quite possibly that time of the month could have a lot to do with it, but also drinking a couple of bottles of wine in five days didn't help. 

So I'm back on the wagon but hanging on by my fingernails.  I may have won the battle with food, but I need to fix my thinking about calories that I drink too.  We're getting there, slowly but surely.

And the most important thing is not whether or not you fall down, because we all fall down.  It's a matter of not staying down that counts.  And I'm not down, not by a long shot. 

When I first started measuring my "girth" (at the beginning of the year) the tape measure wouldn't reach and it was a good 7" bigger than my hips - which is why I always had a hard time getting into sizes.  My bust/waist/hip never fit the size because of my sizable gut.  Well now that number has dropped from 7" to 3", which is why I can fit so well into the size my bust/waist/hip suggest.

This is a big thing for me.  I'll do thosecrunches man.  I'm up to 45 now.  I'm also up to three sets of 12 reps for the weights, and tonight I felt like I could do more.  I did 5 mins on the eliptical but I had to stop the bike at 22 mins.  I picked a bike that had shoe straps and my feet literally fell asleep halfway through.  It just hurt, so I cut it a little short.  My goal was to at least make it to 20, so I pressed on to 22.  It helps having all the skinny people behind me working on the treadmills and the elipticals.  I don't want them thinking I'm a big ol wimp just because I'm overweight.

You know that old saying.  Pride goeth before a heart attack.

My biggest accomplishment of the day was returning some of those bad goodies to my sister's house rather than keep them in the house.  I decided if I couldn't withstand the temptation I just needed to get rid of that temptation.  I feel so much stronger now that it's gone.  It was good, but feeling thinner is much better.

To quote Nan, onward and downard so I can go upward.

Tip of the Day: VISUALIZE SUCCESS

Dream of the life you want and visualize what it will look like -- what you will be doing -- how you will be living. Find a picture that best illustrates what that life will be like and place it somewhere you will see it every day and on it write what your life IS going to be like!

You must first visualize before you can realize!

 

 

Stats:

Calories: 1906
Fat: 36%
Sat. Fat: 14%
Fiber: 20
Calcium: 1196mg
Sodium: 5109mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise:
             22 mins stationary bike
              5 mins eliptical trainer
             30 mins weight training/arms
              45 crunches

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  There's no shame in falling down.  There's just no good reason to stay there.

Busy Holiday Weekend

It was a great holiday weekend.  I probably didn't meet my caloric goals any of the five days, but if I missed it I don't think it was by too much.  My biggest problem did not come from food (we even found a sugar free pecan pie), but from alcohol.  I was a little free with the wine LOL.  I usually drink until I'm feeling a buzz, but the buzz never really came.  About five glasses later I think... oopsie this has calories in it! 

I totally spaced the calories in the hot cranberry punch too.  Boy was that good.  I sucked down a few cups of that too.

Had it not been for liquids I would have been A-OK.  Let's just hope it all flows out as easily as it flowed in!

We did eat out a lot while my mother in law was in town.  We had BBQ and steak and even some fried food.  However I walked my tushy off.  I easily hit 10,000 or better steps every day she was here.   We did the tourist stuff, we did the family thang and even hosted a party at my house.  I'm sure I did ok even if we didn't get to the gym.

So while I'm not exactly proud of the way I totally blew it with the liquid, I am ok with the food choices I made and the ways I found to make the holidays work.  I have a few recipes I'm going to share on my other journal.  I'm especially proud of the way I cheated the broccoli salad.  It turned out really well.  So did the lime jello btw.  What little I got of it.  My oldest son scarfed it down within a day.  I take that as a compliment. 

The Bachelor ended just the way I wanted it to end.  It's the second time in Bachelor history I felt like true love won out.  I bawled like a baby when Byron got to one knee and proposed in Spanish so that her family (who doesn't speak English) could be a part of the moment.  <sigh>  It was the start of a very good weekend.

Like I said we had a lot of fun, a lot of the photos are uploaded above including our family Christmas photo with both mothers included.  I am very happy with my photo, I can totally see the difference.  I'm starting to emerge bit by bit.

It's totally motivated me back to the gym tomorrow.  I have a week to work off the not so angelic few days I have had.  What's important is not slipping a few days but getting right back on the wagon.  Also, by not falling totally away from everything I have learned.  I did eat things I wouldn't normally eat, but I have no plans to go back to that.  I'm quite content to consider that a rare treat rather than a daily indulgence.  And that's where the true success lies.  Everyone overeats or eats unhealthily at some time or another, the trick is to return to eating like a thin person would eat.

Of course the true trick is to avoid growing complacent.  I could get really comfortable hitting this goal of size 24 - it's going to get even easier at size 22 where I was as a young adult.  Somewhere in my mind I would think I've come so far and just dump the rest of the fire I have to make it the rest of the way.

But that's not going to happen.  I know all the tricks to keep me on course.  And best of all I have all of you to hold me accountable.  That has really been my saving grace.

 

We went to see the Incredibles, which I loved.  Lotsa fun.  We also watched Elf.  It was cute, but I doubt I'd really ever see it again.  I wanted to see Finding Neverland but it wasn't playing here.  Johnny Depp will just have to wait.

I also got my tree up.  I'd take a photo but my cat ate through my cord that connects the computer to the camera.  I will be delayed doing any photo updates until I get the replacement cord.

Oh, did I mention that Hal Sparks sent me an email?  Yep.  Steven wrote him and begged him to write me and so Hal did.  It was really cool.  I wrote back saying that had we met before he was famous, we'd have hung out.  Now I'm just a geeky fan. 

He's got a blog now on myspace.com  Hal's Blog, and I decided to put My Immortal over there too.  There are a lot of artists types over there so it should prove to be an interesting place to hang out.  I'm going to have to work to find my audience tho.  No one is biting over there either.  It's lotsa fun tho.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a ton of stuff but I'm beat.  It's time for a bubble bath and an early bedtime.  It's back to the grindstone tomorrow and there's lots of work to do. 

I hope everyone had a great holiday.  We'll resume this regularly scheduled blog tomorrow.  :)

Waiting to Exhale...

Well it's nearly here.  I've worked hard for it and a holiday respite is upon me.  I.  Cannot.  Wait.  I have about six hours worth of work ahead of me plus some residual cleaning before my company arrives this afternoon - plus I want to get another installment done on My Immortal.  But as of 1:30pm I should be free to enjoy some well deserved time off. 

My new journal is really the book I'm writing as part of the National Novel Writing Month project (affectionately dubbed NaNoWriMo) that challenges writers if they can complete a 50,000 word novel in 30 days (the month of November).  I decided to take one of my screenplays and flesh it out in novel form.  At first, it was not easy because a screenplay is an entirely different animal than a novel.  In a screenplay you only have 120 pages (or less, usually) to tell a complete story, depending mostly on the pictures you can paint with minimal description.  You're not allowed to direct your characters and you aren't supposed to write anything that cannot be translated onto film.  Dialogue must be fresh and scenes must be short - leaving enough clues to tell your story without beating your audience over the head. 

One of my favorite screenplays is American Beauty.  If you've seen this movie you realize that it told the complete stories of Lester, Caroline, Jane, Ricky, Angela and Colonel Fitts contained within those strict rules.  For someone who struggles with one or two characters, I bow to Alan Ball's genius.  He's frickin amazing.

He got his start writing TV sitcoms, which are yet another beasty altogether.  In that respect Seinfeld was probably the best written of all the sitcoms I've seen just because they managed to tell four complete stories each week that somehow always connected even when it seemed implausible for them to.  And they only had, what?, 22 minutes to do their job.  Ah-mazing.

So anyway My Immortal is a screenplay I wrote at the beginning of the year in the space of a week.  I wrote like a woman possessed to tell this story.  Ironically, it's about vampires.  Guess who's scared silly of vampires? <raises hand while covering neck>.

I actually have a pretty funny story about vampires.  Like I said, they're the one ficticious monster I've always been the most fearful of.  I dunno why, I know they're not real, but there's just something about them that freaks me the heck out.  Probably because they're so seductive.  It's that sex/death combination that generally hits my Scorpio core.

When I was about 15 I was a huge Stephen King fan.  What kid in the 80s wasn't?  And you know what happens when you are the fan of a novelist - you have to read EVERY single book they put out.  Stephen King kept me busy the entire decade, till the expanded version of the Stand and It finally broke my will.  He's still a good writer, but I'm just exhausted.

Well of course being a horror writer, he has a book on vampires called Salem's Lot.  I started reading this book even though I knew it would spook me.  Call me a glutton for punishment.  And even though I love Stephen usually, this book was very hard to get into.  It read very dry for me.  Don't ask me why I made it a mission to finish it anyway.

About half way through, I'm pretty worked up by it.  I'm wearing a cross to bed, I'm keeping my windows shut even though it was the middle of a hot West Texas summer.  I am completely wiggin out.  And, silly me, I read it at night right before I went to sleep.  By the time I had to get up and make that long few yards to the light and back to bed, I was a nervous wreck.

This one particular evening as the story was getting really good and scary, I went to turn off the light and make my usual dive under the covers from halfway across the room.  I'm laying there in total darkness, my breathing ragged, my heartbeat thundering, trying to relax enough to fall asleep.  I had my back to the window because as we all know if you look a vampire in the eye they can will you to open said window. 

Finally everything started to calm down and I started to doze.  Then, out of no where, there was this huge BLAM!! against my window.  Picture me, sitting straight up in bed, a scream caught in my throat, my hand clasped around my teeny weeny cross and thinking, I really should have fashioned that wooden stake like I had planned.

After that minor heart attack I realized that my cat, who had always been able to jump in and out of my room thanks to my window, made an unfortunate miscalculation and crashed against the now closed and locked window. 

Like I said.  Vampires spook me.

Why I chose to write this story, I have no idea.  It's about a reporter who is hot on the case of a child killer in her sleepy, small town.  This cynical woman must face the possibility that the killer isn't human and he's working his way to get to her.  At it's core it is a love story and a story of sacrifice.  It's got a few neat little twists too, but I'll let you read about those if you are so inclined.  Just don't read it right before going to bed.

Here's the link:  My Immortal.  I try to write a little every day.  If you're new to the story, the beginning of the journal is the first installment, so just read up from there.

Feel free to bust my chops on any spelling errors, grammatical errors (like changing from past to present tense), because I'm not really editing as I go.  I'm just getting it down and pressing on toward the 50,000 mark.  I'm at like 24,300 right now. 

Even if you read the screenplay, you might want to read the novel.  I'm learning so much about my characters now that I have room to grow, and I'm even learning new stuff about their story.  There are new scenes and new characters - it's really developed a life of its own.

Which, to me, is the coolest thing about writing anyway.

Another commenter asked me what I do for a living.   I actually have a very interesting job.  My sister owns her own business selling celebrity photos through Ebay.  We have about eight photographers on both the west and east coast who go to the film premieres, award shows and celebrity events where the celebrities pose willingly (this is not paparazzi).  We take those photos and offer them for auction and direct sale both on Ebay: Hollywood Stars Unlimited Thumbnail Gallery and our own website:  http://hollywoodstarsunlimited.com/. 

I've been wanting to do something fun on my journal like my friend, Jeff.  And the celebrity thing is right up my alley.  It's not exactly weight loss related per se, but this is not just a weight loss journal - it's a Journey to Me.  Having worked in the celebrity biz since 1995, this is a huge part of me. 

We'll just see how it all comes together. 

Speaking of my friend Jeff, he needs a little support right now.  Yesterday he had to put down his 13 year old dog and it was devastating for him.  He held him as he gently fell asleep in his arms and drifted to heaven, which still brings tears to my eyes.  Jeff is so strong to have done that, and it was the most loving gift he could have done.  Rudy went to sleep in the arms of someone who loved him - the way I'm sure most of us wish we could go.  Go see his journal Point.Click.Jeff for a photo of our Rudy Patootie.  Aunt Ginger loves you, baby.  See you when we get there.  :(

I really should put a tip in here for the holidays considering tomorrow is the big day.  Here's my gameplan.  I'm not going to put values in Fitday because with all the recipes it's just going to be too difficult to properly attach the right values to everything.  Instead I'm going to eata little bit of a lot of different types of food and make sure I get a long walk in tomorrow afternoon.  Everything in moderation, modifying my recipes where possible. 

I have a lime jello salad I make that is SO GOOD.  I have it every single year, twice a year on holidays.  It's made with lime jello, pineapple, cream cheese and 7up.  I'm modifying it to sugar free lime jello, pineapple packed in 100% juice, fat free cream cheese and diet 7up.

I'm also making the mashed potatoes with chicken broth instead of milk and butter.  I'm making gravy from a mix rather than prepare it from the drippings.  We're smoking the turkey.  I'm going to eat my beloved sweet potatoes with no extra brown sugar (and I'm not putting marshmellows on them - which isn't that difficult as I don't really like marshmellows anyway).  I have sugar free hot cocoa, two kinds of veggies and wheat King Hawaiian Rolls.  Just minor modifications that allow me to still eat really well.

The only recipe I can't totally cheat is my cherry delight.  It's made with Eagle Brand Milk, cherry pie filling, whipped cream and pineapple.  We got the Fat Free Eagle Brand Milk, the lite cherry pie filling, light whipped cream and pineapple packed in 100% juice rather than syrup.  It cheats it a little bit but the sugar is still killer.  I wasn't even going to make it but the majority ruled.  It's a family favorite since I started making it about ten, fifteen years ago. 

Anyway the clock is ticking and I have a gazillion things to do.  I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving.  I'll close this installment with some of the things that I'm grateful for, in no particular order. 

1.  I'm grateful that I'm winning this battle on weight. 
2.  I'm grateful that my mother in law is coming to visit us.
3.  I'm grateful my sister will have all her kids around her for the first time since 1983.
4.  I'm grateful that even though I'm still not at my ideal, I'm healthy and strong.
5.  I'm grateful for this Journal.
6.  I'm grateful for all the people I've met thanks to this journal, who pour their love to me so generously. 
7.  I'm grateful for the advice that I get, even if I choose not to take it.
8.  I'm grateful for the friends and family who read this journal every day:  Jeff, Sharon (Mom2), Roger (Dad), Erica and Jeannie.  (And Steven too :) )
9.  I'm grateful for a loving husband who supports me and makes me feel beautiful - who's pride in me for making these changes doesn't inspire my own but echoes it.
10.  I'm grateful for all the people I've loved even though they're now gone, especially Dan, who taught me more about living in his death than I ever learned on my own. 
11.  I'm grateful that I have his sons gracing my life, who in small ways every day remind me that love lives on.  These two are why I fought against death and found myself in the process.
12.  I'm grateful that I am an American.  I may not always agree with the leadership of this country but I know how good we have it.  On a smaller scale I'm very proud to be a Texan because there's nothing like living here. 
13.  Finally, and most importantly, I'm grateful to God.  Through Him, I have all the rest.  With Him, anything is possible.

So I didn't make it to the gym today...

I just have too much to do, I have two and a half days to stock up on a week's worth of work so I can take the holidays off.  Then I'm doing the kids laundry, how in God's name that turned out to be four big garage bag fulls, I have no idea.  I'm also doing some cleaning in between.  Plus I managed to go grocery shopping for the holiday.

Anyway Jeremiah is coming down with the same cold Timothy had last week so we didn't want him to go to grandma's or to the gym.  I decided, I'm not going to sweat not going to the gym because I am still going to be doing a lot of exercise this week.

And as I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the carpet after our plumbing fiasco last week, I realized - going to the gym on top of all this would have been superfluous.  My arms got quite the workout.

Now I'm just pooped.  It's nighty night time.  I wanted to post so y'all know I'm still alive and kicking.  Most of my writing has been for My Immortal, I'm now up to over 22,000 words.  If you're reading along let me know what you think.  I've not quite found my audience over there.  Kinda worries me that it's boring LOL.

I'll get back to the tips and stats shortly.  It may be minimal for a week or so, but I'll be back up to speed before you know it.

Oh, before I forget I thought it would be kinda fun to link up where I work on my Favorite Sites list.  It's a neat lil business if I do say so myself.  If you get a chance give it a look.

Also before I forget, thanks to everyone for being so sweet on my birthday.  I'll get a personal noteto you as soon as I get some free time.  Y'all really made my day and I thank you.  :)

I'm Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday...

The title says it all.  Today is my birthday, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah... it's your birthday too now nah nah nah nah nah nah nah!!

Yeah so I'm 35 as of midnight.  I'm not freaking out too badly.  Someday we'll talk about how morbid I get around my birthday dwelling on mortality and what not, but today was just too good to think about that stuff.

I had a good... scratch that GREAT day.

 

My sister took me to Walmart to buy me a bunch of new exercise clothes (she asked me what I wanted, I told her, and we went to see if Walmart actually had something in my size - they did).

Anyway so because of my girth I was a little weird about going down to a 24 in my pants.  I'm so freaked out the smaller size won't fit.  So I took a size 26/28 and a size 22/24 into the dressing room and I tried the 22/24 size first.

Well, it fit.  It wasn't tight or anything.  It fit perfectly.  I nearly broken into tears in the dressing room.

All the rest of the shopping extravaganza I was able to turn clothes away because they were TOO BIG.  At a regular sized people department store.  I couldn't even find what I wanted in my size because the only big size they had was 26/28.  What a great dilemma to have. 

 

Anyway I came home to work all night and I'm exhausted.  I'm going to leave it at that and catch you all tomorrow.

I did go to the gym today and actually did 45 crunches instead of 15, and did three sets of reps instead of two on the back/shoulder stuff.  And 45 mins of cardio.

Lemme tell ya, getting into those smaller pants was worth it ALL.

Another Back Attack

No gym today.  More pain in the back and I don't want to risk my back going out.

Yeah, I know.  I need to go see a doctor.

Meanwhile I'm going to go take a muscle relaxer and get some rest. 

No super woman today. 

I'm feeling really guilty about it, though.  It's that perfection thing again.  I really need to get over myself.  Honestly.

Okay I wasn't going to admit how I hurt my back because of the perfection thing but that's not being honest and I need to be totally honest.

Yesterday we were at the gym doing our leg weight training.  There's a machine there where you lay down on it, get scrunched up like an accordion, then use your legs to push yourself up and down like deep squats laying down. 

When we trained with Abel he set us up on which ever level we could do, and both Steven and I thought I was supposed to be on 2 (1 is the lowest, and most folded in half you are), so I got squeezed completely in half to do this.  My back started to nag at that point, but I figured since I'd done it before I could do it again and worked my way through it - assuming that it was because we hadn't worked out in several days that I was feeling the pain. 

Then Steven says, "Oh, you were on 3, not 2."

That was like on 3 of 12 reps, but I kept on going just to get it over with. 

So today, I felt some residual soreness but I wasn't really hurting hurting until we went to Walmart to do our grocery shopping.  By the time we were heading out to the parking lot to leave I got a sharp pain from my hip down my leg.  I sat down in the car very slowly, but when I got up the pain was much sharper.

Now I can barely bend and my back has let me know in no uncertain terms that any quick movement will not be tolerated.  That meant no bike, no treadmill, no eliptical - no gym.

Yes I know I was silly.  I've confessed.  I repent.  My bad.

If y'all haven't checked out my best friend Jeff's journal, go immediately and see what he's done.  I like his what he's reading/watching feature.  I can't keep up with that boy when it comes to reading.  He reads like a maniac.  I think he even tops Steven (who is a voracious reader).  Anyway if you visit give him a holla.  He's a baby blogger, so grow with him.  :)  Point.Click.Jeff

Tip of the Day: HOLIDAY STRATEGIES, PART IV.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Serve buffet style from another room rather than family style at the table.  That way people have to serve themselves and then sit.  Once you get caught up in visiting, you will be less likely to overeat if it's not within easy access. 

Stats:

Calories: 1829
Fat: 28%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Fiber: 32g
Calcium: 1662mg
Sodium: 3904mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: I shopped till I dropped.  Literally. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  There's no shame in taking care of myself and listening to my body. 

Here Comes the Sun, Do Do Do Do

After about five days of rain we finally got a respite from the weather.  This meant going to the gym.  After missing so many day in a row I was a little worried that I would have a hard time, but everything worked out well.

I did weigh in - expecting to see a gain and fully prepared to use that as motivation to keep going.  I saw it.  I'm motivated.

My favorite Roseanne eppy is on Nick at Nite.  It's the PMS episode.  I probably find this funnier than the men in my life who have to live with it.  They told me that I'm no where near as bad, but my head might have rotated 360 degrees that particular day and influenced their answer.

I was a bad girl yesterday and didn't do the workout at home like I planned.  I finally got on a roll with My Immortal.  I'm up to about 15,000 words.  I'm adding things that weren't in the screenplay, but as I'm flushing the story out I'm discovering a lot of new interesting things.  In fact, I'm going to edit something into the already existing installments.  If anyone is reading along drop me a comment.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.  I really feel out of my element after having concentrated on screenplays the last few years. 

Encouragement or even criticism is welcome. 

Today on Oprah Maurice Benard, star of General Hospital, talked frankly about having bipolar disorder.  I was just so proud of him, it took a lot of courage to come forth like that. 

His experiences were a lot like Daniel's experience.  I don't like to talk about what it was like before he was medicated, because I don't want anyone to think poorly of him.  His disorder wasn't who he was, and all the things he did or said were beyond his control.  It wasn't until he was medicated that he was able to be who he really was and who God intended him to be. 

What struck memost about Maurice's confessions is how that would have helped us had I seen it before Daniel was diagnosed.  The biggest problem we had for a long time was that we just didn't know anything was wrong.

He came from an abusive household, he grew up living a very hard life around violent people, for him to become an abuser was almost expected.  I never would have thought for a moment that he had anything chemically wrong with him.  

Although it certainly was confusing trying to reconcile his two sides as the same person.  In Maurice's interview he said he told his father he was the devil.  This struck such a chord of familiarity with me.  I could swear sometimes when I looked at him during his manic rages that I was looking straight at the devil.

Daniel even called that side of himself his "shadow".  I can distinctly remember coming home from work wondering if the same person I left would be the same one I'd come home to. 

God, it was scary.  It was really scary.  There were threats, insults, emotional and physical abuse.  Why I stayed and took it is another installment altogether, but once I realized he was acting that way because of a chemical imbalance I was glad I did.  Because underneath he was truly a remarkable, loving, generous human being.

It was such a tragedy that no one could see it because of his illness. 

My son has a friend who has the same issues, who needs to take meds and go to therapy and fights both.  There's such a stigma that comes with mental illness, as if it's a character flaw.  And it's so not. 

I want to share this brave interview and also a link for somewhere you can go if you or someone you love displays the symptoms of this horrible disease.  Diagnosing and treating the problem saved Dan, and to honor his life I will use it as an example to help others.  It's the most loving gift I can give to him.  I know he would want to reach out to others.

Interview with Maurice Benard, "Sonny" from General Hospital:
http://video-creation.net/MBO_1.WMV
http://www.video-creation.net/MBO_2.WMV

Interview with Daniel, December 2002
Amarillo Globe-News: Texas News: Program provides help for mentally ill offenders 12/07/02

A link for resources and more information:
Depression, Bi-Polar Syndrome and Postpartum Psychosis Resources

Tip of the Day:  HOLIDAY STRATEGY, PART III.  Pass on seconds.  This will probably be the hardest for me, but this is where moderation comes in.  More than likely the holiday table will be overrun with goodies.  Sample a little bit of each and eat till your satisfied.  Leftovers taste better the next day anyways.

Stats:

Calories: 1861
Fat: 27%
Sat. Fat: 6%
Fiber: 29g
Calcium: 1523mg
Sodium: 4362mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise:  30 mins stationary bike
               30 crunches, two sets of 15
                5 minutes eliptical trainer
               30 mins weight training/legs

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Acceptance of others begins first with ourselves.

 

Batten Down the Hatches

I love living in Texas.  I do.  It's the greatest state in the nation.  You can always expect to find friendly people, beautiful scenery and some interesting weather patterns.

Why, Ginger... what do you mean?

I mean that here it is, November 16, and there are tornado warnings to our south.  Even more interesting, those severe thunderstorms are heading to the north.  It's going to be an interesting night.

Needless to say I'm not going to the gym LOL.  I'll do some work on the exercise bike later tonight and maybe the Pilates to make up for it. 

Anyway I'll do my regularly scheduled entry later tonight with all the stats and tips and stuff.

In this one I'm going to do something new.  Most AOL journalers are familiar with John Scalzi whose journal By The Way... includes weekend assignments for people in J-Land to participate in.  This last weekend assignment is right up my alley: Weekend Assignment #33: They're Singing Your Song, where he asks

Weekend Assignment #33: You can have any person, past or present, sing any song for you that you want. What is the song, and who is singing it for you?

Extra credit: Name a singer you wish you could sing like, but can't. So that means even those of you with excellent voices have to pick someone you can't sing like.

I'm sure Jeannie is grinning big because she knows very well how I will answer this.  If I could have anyone in the world sing me a song it would be Steve Perry singing "Faithfully".  Picture it.  Texas.  1983.  A young impressionable teenager settles in to watch Friday Night Videos because her mom didn't want to shell out the dough for MTV.  Coming up, the new song from the band Journey.  Young impressionable teenager remembers that is the same band who came out with Lovin Touchin Squeezin, her favorite song way back from when she was 9 years old (1979).  She then remembers the first and only time she saw that band in action - on the Midnight Special a few years before.

Imagine how excited that nine year old was when she got to finally see the band who sang her all time favorite song.  Imagine how said young girl processed seeing the unusual lead singer with the long black hair and striking profile, especially having grown up in not only a smallish Texas town but a military town at that.  What an impression he made, especially as he got down into the audience and crooned to a lucky lady in the front row.

So now, a few years later, the thirteen year old was intrigued to see this band again.  More so when she realizes the long dark hair was a bit shorter and he was now sporting a moustache.  The song, a romantic ballad about faithful enduring love, kept her captive until one unforgettable moment when for one instant his eyes met the camera and seared their way right through the airwaves and straight into a hopelessly romantic teen girl's heart.

It was love from then on.  A magic moment. 

Needless to say I would absolutely plotz if he sang it to me.  Talk about your wildest dreams.  Oh, Oprah!!

As for who I would like to sing like, that would be Martina McBride.  I absolutely LOVE her.  She has amazing range and her songs are so powerful.  Here are some of my favorite videos from her.  Watch with tissue handy, especially Concrete Angel:

LAUNCH: Music Video Player Whatever You Say
LAUNCH: Music Video Player Concrete Angel
LAUNCH: Music Video Player Independence Day

Anyway I'll be back later.  Hopefully I won't be wearing ruby slippers and running around looking for the EmeraldCity. 

 

 

Another Day Shot to Hell

Okay I dunno what's wrong with me.  I had a headache the entire weekend and slept the entire weekend and yet today I started dragging around noon and never recovered.  I ended up snuggling with Winston in bed (I'd given him a bath and he was shivering cold) and fell asleep AGAIN.

I got up at 7:30pm to be at the gym by 8pm and it just ain't happening.  Head aches and I'm just dog tired.  As much as I've slept I could easily go back to sleep right now. 

So I fought with myself on whether or not to go to the gym.  I argued that maybe my not going to the gym is why I'm feeling so lethargic and if I went and worked through it, I'd be fine.  Steven suggested I was fighting off a bug because I never sleep this much unless I'm sick or depressed.  Well I'm not depressed. 

Add all this to cold rainy conditions and you have me reluctant to leave my house for anything, even to go shopping.  I decided to stay home, which left me feeling really guilty coming here and reporting I didn't make it to the gym yet again.

Which brings me to the subject of my post tonight.  I read somewhere that the word "should" should be obliterated from our vocabularies.  I think it was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

The basis of this is that the word "should" indicates obligation and not true desire.  For instance, "I should go to the gym" means I feel obligated to go and if I do not go for whatever reason I will then feel guilty and condemned that I didn't do what I "should" do. 

Should is one of those passive words that indicate intention but not action.  I used to have a saying, "shoulda, woulda, coulda but didn't."  In the end whether you "should" or "should not" do something it's whether or not you did it that counts.

And I've been plagued with a serious case of the shoulds lately.

I should go to church.  I should go to the gym.  I should save money.

The reality is, I haven't gone to church, I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't saved money. 

I've tried to go to church.  I've tried to go to the gym.  I've tried to save money.

But like Yoda says, "There is do or do not.  There is no try."

And having the "should have" thoughts only make me feel like crap about it.  Should is ripe for broken promises.  Should is ripe for good intentions.  And we all know what the road to hell (and obesity) is paved with. 

Should invariably implies "I know I need to do A, but I really don't want to." 

If we break this down further, my first "should" is the church thing.  I haven't gone very frequently since we became members.  I cannot answer why.  July was a bad month where we were so sick and my back went out, but the truth is we haven't been back much since we got well.   At the root of it is the imperfection thing.  I know that the church isn't looking down on me for not going regularly, but because I committed to going regularly and haven't I feel like a big ol failure.  Therefore I avoid what I cannot succeed at.  This is my MO. 

In my heart I know that I "should" go, that I'll feel better if I just get back into the routine, and that all my excuses for going are just that - excuses.  But in the end, I just don't want to go because of all the guilt and condemnation that comes from knowing I should go and failing to meet that obligation.

God shouldn't be an obligation.  I should want to go.  I need to recapture that fire. 

As for the gym that's really a matter of feeling crappy.  I love going to the gym, as evidenced by all my previous entries.  I do worry that the more time that passes without me going will make it that much harder to go back, but I really do want to go still.  I enjoy the high I get from working out and the energy it gave me.  I'm not bailing on the gym, no how no way.

And the money part is a little easier to handle after I discussed it the other day.  Knowing what drives the behavior makes it easier to change.    I can realistically look at the rest of the year and see where my money needs to go, I can make plans for appropriate spending and limit myself to that budget.  That way, like my dietary guidelines, I don't feel deprived and more inclined to follow it.

On one of the message boards I read, I think it was the one for the TV show Lost, someone said that Life is like a movie.  Only you get to choose the genre.  I find that profound.  And true.  When I started this journal I made the conscious decision to become the hero in my own hero's journey.  I have a goal.  It's going to take a lot of hard work and personal strength to get to that goal and in doing so it's much like Rocky winning the battle against Apollo or Luke Skywalker against Darth Vader.  I'm testing how strong I really am and finally conquoring the enemy, in my case obesity. 

The one thing I've learned writing screenplays is that an audience expects the hero to be proactive.  They can't just sit back and let life happen, they have to happen to life.  What that means for me is dumping the "shoulds" and just doing.  If I do it, great, if I don't do it great, I'm not going to waste one more moment feeling guilty I'm not being perfect.

Because that's all the "shoulds" come down to anyway.

Tip of the Day.  HOLIDAY STRATEGY, PART II.  Yesterday we talked about plans, but there will be instances when you won't be able to pre-plan.  In those cases you will have to plan on the spot.  If you're at a family get together, scope the entire spread before you make your choices, that way you can make provisions on what goodie you'd most like to indulge. 

Stats:

Calories: 1977
Fat: 25%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Fiber: 43g
Calcium: 1426mg
Sodium: 3292mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I take full responsibilities for the choices I make, and the consequences that come from it.

I Have a Headache THIS BIG...

Gym was out yesterday and most likely today because I had a monster headache yesterday.  I even went back to bed last night to try and kick it, but it's still lingering about.  Now I have to finish my work and try to fight off migraine status.

Could it be the chocolate I've been eating??  Darn caffeine.

Yeah, I've been a baaaaad girl indulging my chocolate craving.  PMS.  Such a joy.  Although the moodiness has been kept at bay, I'm still dealing with the salty and sweet munchies and a ravenous hunger for chocolate. 

Emotional eating?  It falls under that craving catagory but I don't think I'm feeding to fill an emotional hunger.  I'll have to work that one through.  I'm pretty sure it's just a hormonal thing.  I've been blissfully happy last couple of weeks.

Although I have taken on the stress of doing most of the housework.  I have two sons, one 14 year old and one 12 year old.  It's been a battle on all fronts, to make them do their chores, for them to pass their grade - all of it.  So I finally got tired of living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and decided I'm going to cut back a bit on my work and start keeping the house in order.  Mainly because it absolutely stresses me out to live in a mess.  There's nothing quite like the serenity that comes when your house is in order.

Add the stress of trying to train kids to do chores to help out around the house TO never having a clean house - you had me going out of my mind.  I just got tired of it being a fight every single day.  Instead, I just do it.

The downside for them is that I cut their allowances (which they weren't getting much of anyway) and I told them my Christmas budget was cut by the extra work I'm going to have to do around the house (so no multi hundred dollar Christmas with cool video games and stuff like that this year).  I told them that instead I want them to focus all their energy on doing their schoolwork, and from nowon their allowances would come from that.  The better they did, the more money they'd make. 

Whether it would work or not, I have no idea.  My kids, for some inexplicible reason, are not moved by privilege or loss of privilege. 

They had it pretty good.  They had an X-Box they shared between them, plus TVs in their room and very minimal chores to do.  I say minimal because when I was growing up I didn't have a sibling living in the house so everything that had to be done was done by yours truly. 

Basically I broke it down to Kitchen duty and Other Duty.  The kitchen consisted of keeping the dishes washed (we have a dishwasher, btw), keeping the counters cleaned, the floor swept and the trash taken out.  It takes all of twenty minutes to do this, even when they do it. 

Instead they never unload the dishwasher and wash the same load upteen times, never clean off the counters, never take out the trash and waste detergent "soaking" dishes that never would have needed to be soaked if they were just rinsed off in the first place.

But nothing ever got rinsed off so things were stuck in the dishwasher and crud was splattered over everything and nothing ever got truly clean.  I knew this because I'd pull "clean" dishes out of the cabinet to find said crud still dried on like plaster.

Quite frustrating.

Interestingly enough, the kitchen was the chore the kids hated to do the most.  So I made the "Other" chore a lot harder.  This consists of picking up the living room, dining room and bathroom.  Scooping the kitty litter boxes (there's two), dusting the furniture and vacuuming the floor.  Invariably things would get tossed on the either side of the sofa and forgotten, the vacuum would be run over the carpet once only - often leaving stuff behind.  Kitty litter never got scooped so the cats would then poop on the side of the human toilet - which the kids never managed to see either.

This job also takes about twenty minutes to do when done correctly.  My kids however would fart around and waste an hour then complain it was taking too long so they weren't able to do their homework.

The only "hard" day the kids had was Saturday, in which the Kitchen Kid would have to mop and the Pooper Scooper would have to clean the bathroom (which meant wash out the tub, wipe off the mirror and scrub the toilet).  And to do it all according to the chore chart would give them $10 a week.  If they did it half way they got paid half way, according to their efforts.  And they were quite happy with earning less than the full amount, which I never understood.

When I was a kid I wanted to earn money because I hated having to ask my mother for anything.  It wasn't that she isn't a generous person but she's a penny pincher to the nth degree.  This is the kind of woman who wouldn't throw away paper towels because just using them once meant they were still good to use again.  This is the kind of woman who had a separate cabinent just for her cool whip and butter bowls that we got to use as dishes.  She wouldn't throw away tin foil or paper/plastic bags from the grocery store.  I thought it was my first act of independence when living on my own to throw away paper towels after one use. 

And to be quite honest with you, I still have a problem throwing away cool whip/butter bowls and paper/plastic bags from the grocery store. 

Needless to say whenever I wanted anything from the store it went through the "do you really need this" litmus test.  And of course, as a kid I didn't really need anything that wasn't already provided for me - but I wanted a lot of stuff.  Freedom to me meant I could spend my money without being judged on how I spent it.  By the time I was fifteen years old I was pounding the pavement looking for a job so I wouldn't have to answer to anyone on how I spent my money.

Once I did have a job I paid my mom rent, I bought my first car and I spent my money however I saw fit.  I was not going to deprive myself.

It's funny how it all goes back to that, isn't it?   It's probably the main reason I am not much of a saver, although I really really want to be.  Instead I fulfill those instant gratifications rather than save up for a rainy day.  It's the reason my finances are in such a bind.  The one thing that comes before anything else is the household money (being homeless once can really make you paranoid that way), but after the bills are met whatever is left over is usually fair game. 

Lately there hasn't been anything left over.  That crisis with Jeremiah really set us back.  Thank God we had the money at the time to take care of it (I was finally getting my act together saving some back), but since then we've been down about $400-500 that we really needed.

It had me stressing about the holidays and how to swing the stuff I really wanted to be able to do.  That's why last week I just put the brakes on.  I told the kids I was going to scale back work to keep the house in order (this is important), and by doing so it was going to shave $500 off my earnings for the rest of the year therefore affecting how I'm going to spend money for presents. 

I had wanted to buy both kids a bike this year, along with hundreds of dollars worth of other toys.  But I'm divorcing myself from this mindset.  I'm using material things rather than being a mom to my kids and that's not right.  I need to be there when they need me to be there.  I need to make them feel secure, that they have their needs met.

They haven't felt that because I do spend a lot of time working.  That this weight loss journey is like a whole other job doesn't help.  Which is why the family spending time together at the gym is so important.  It's not just about me anymore.  The kids actually get to see me do the stuff I need to do to succeed (which is teaching them a lot).  I've taken control over the house so they don't live in CHAOS except in their rooms (let's not EVEN go there, one battle at a time please). 

Someone said that one day they're going to forget the gifts they got on Christmas, but they'll never forget the family experiences of being together, doing things together and the emotional gifts I can give them.

So that's what Christmas is about this year. 

And we told the kids if they get straight A's they get the bikes.  So now they have something to work for.

Okay, I guess I was feeling deprived.  Maybe that's why I've gone overboard on the chocolate lately.  Thank God for this blog.  I just need to start writing it here first instead of thinking I have it under control.

Someone asked me what level I do on the eliptical.  I'm not using the settings that deal with levels.  I do the cardio setting, which works off of my heart rate.  (the fat burning works off of the heart rate too).  Steven does levels but I think he does the random setting.  I tried the fat burning one, but it goes slower and burns more so I ditched that one LOL.  I'll get back to it eventually, once I've built the stamina to work the darn thing.

I measured myself and I'm down 2" this week.  Finally.  Last week didn't show any change.  I don't know if the crunches are the reason but the girth is down 1 inch.  Steven even said yesterday he could tell how my front was slimmer.  This is a very good thing.

I'm not looking forward to the gym on Monday, I'm afraid taking both these days off will make it that much harder to get started again.  But I do know all it takes is one time to go and I'll be back in the swing of things. 

Plus I'll need to go back, because I'm going to be ditching the 1800 calories again today.  I was expecting to stay up all night again and overloaded on calories last night, which leaves me about 600 more calories for the rest of the day.

It ain't happenin. 

But that's ok.  I'm going to still cap off at 2200 like I'm supposed to (good practice for when I get down to goal) and I'm going to work my tail off all week next week so I can take next weekend off without guilt.  Next Sunday is my birffday.  And I'm gonna party like it's my birffday.  There's a trip to Red Lobster in my future. 

Last year I went off program.  This year I'll do it right.

Tip of the Day: HOLIDAY STRATEGY, PART I.  We all know what's coming.  It's lurking there on our calendars almost defiantly.  The good news is you don't have to stay locked up along and eat a Smart Ones Turkey dinner to stay on program.  I'm going to bump up my calories to "maintaining" level (2200) for that day.  This way even though I'll eat more than normal I still won't over eat.  Here are some tips for us to get through the first of the Years End Holiday Hurdles. 

SPEND YOUR CALORIES WISELY.  It's a matter of math really.  The key to losing weight is to take in less calories than you spend.  Therefore the key to gaining weight is to taking in more calories than you spend.  With this little piece of crucial knowledge you are now fully armed against gaining weight this holiday season.  Plan, plan, plan.  Know how much you can eat before you ever pop a morsel in your mouth.  And if you overdo it, know how much time at the gym you need to get back in balance. 

Stats:

Calories: 2160
Fat: 25%
Sat. Fat: 11%
Fiber: 43g
Calcium: 1485mg
Sodium: 3557mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Free Day

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  Rather than focusing on what I'm "deprived" I remind myself of how much I'm blessed.