Saturday, November 13, 2004



Tonight I did 45 mins of cardio in addition to thirty minutes on the machines working out my arms.  That included not three minutes on the eliptical, not four minutes, but five whole minutes on the eliptical.  It kicked my booty, but I did it.

Once again I must ask myself why I waited so long to do this.  I'm having a blast.  I feel so in control and I like to feel in control.

And I get to eat what I want - there's no diet here. 

And by eat what I want I mean of course in the right proportions.  I couldn't pig out all day on the bad foods and work out and still feel as in control as I do.  But meeting those guidelines (even the carbohydrate limit of 300 grams per day - this is HUGE for a carbo-lover like me), drinking my water, getting my vitamins and working hard at the gym, each visit testing my limit of what I can do is absolutely FABULOUS. 

My sister asked me the other day if I could tell a difference and I told her that I was happy.  That's the main thing.  No more moodiness.  No more blowing up at the kids and held captive to my freaky hormones. 

And it feels great seeing Steven throw himself into it as well.  He doesn't like the regular cardio machines so instead he tried circuit training on the weights today.  He likes that much better and he's been really good at pushing himself too.  He seems to really enjoy it.  My hunky hunk of a husband is going to turn into a buff beefcake at this rate. 

That we're doing this together is even better.  Both of us are excited, both of us share the joys and owwies that come with building a better body.  We're more affectionate and instead of going off to work separately on the computer and barely talking, we're actually partners again.

It's been great on so many levels.

WHY was I being so stubborn about it before??

Steven gave me an early birthday present today.  The Looney Tunes Golden Collection.  I'm such a Looney Tunes fan, it was high on my list.   I'm about to put in in the DVD player because it just ain't Saturday morning without Bugs, Daffy and the gang. 

I'm falling a bit behind on my NaNoWriMo experiment.  Time is getting away from me here and I'm only on chapter three.  I don't know why it's been so difficult to re-learn novel writing.  Screenwriting is very sparse and done in the present tense.  Novels are a bit more extensive and written in the past tense.  My first night writing my head nearly exploded from switching the "tense" gears, I still might be mixing them, although I'm trying very hard not to.

I'll get there, and even if I don't complete the novel in one month I'm going to do my level best to finish it regardless.  I'm on a mission to finish whatever I start.  I'm tired of living in a tangle of loose ends and empty promises.  I need more integrity - getting fit and healthy is the training I need to get integrity in every other facet of life. 

Because being fat always felt to me like my biggest broken promise.  I lived forever with the intention to lose weight someday.  Finally I realized the road to obesity is paved with good intentions.  Eventually, I just had to grab the bull by the horns and do it.  In that came a promise to myself that I was not going to go down without a fight.  That meant I had to make it all the way to fulfill my own promise.

Way back in my deepest darkest thoughts I never believed I could make it all the way.  I never saw myself as thin, couldn't picture myself at goal, although I had plenty of thoughts of what I would do if I ever got there.  A lot of it was a great big ol' banner to the world that rejected me as "there, take THAT". 

I think maybe I just never felt I was good enough to enjoy that success.  That's why I race up to success and then run away again when I approach it.  Sometimes I get this weird feeling that something great is waiting, that I am meant to live a life larger than I allow - and quite frankly it scares me to death.  It's beyond my dreams and I never really ever truly believed in those dreams coming true.

From the weight, to a good marriage, to a rewarding (and prosperous) career and making an indelible mark on the world.  I believe I'm meant for these things, but I never was persuaded I was able to achieve them.

Mostly because I always struck out before.  Well... that's not even very accurate.  I don't strike out as much as I bench myself altogether.  I don't even get out there on the playing field.  I'm just as afraid of hitting it out of the park as I am striking out. 

That quote comes back to me:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just some of us; it's in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -
—Marianne Williamson

I think for me this is especially true.  And that's why this weight loss journey is more than just an attempt to fit into a smaller size.  It's an attempt to release who I really am underneath all the weight.  Cuz she's meant to go places, and I have no right to keep her bound.

Tip of the Day
: EMOTIONAL HUNGER.  One of the biggest things we can do to fight off the need to feed is to find out what makes us hungry.  There are vast differences between "emotional" hunger and "physical" hunger.  A few ways to tell the difference:

1.  Emotional hunger comes on suddenly, physical hunger occurs gradually.

2.  When you're trying to fill an emotional void, you'll crave something specific, and nothing will satisfy you but that one specific food. (i.e. ice cream, chocolate, pizza).  When you're truly hungry, you're more open to different options.

3.  Emotional hunger feels like it needs to be satisfied immediately (with the food you crave).  Physical hunger can wait.

4.  Even when you're full, if you're eating to fulfill an emotional need you will likely keep eating.  When you're eating because you're physically hungry, you tend to stop when you get full.

5.  Emotional eating often leaves you with feelings of guilt.  Eating to satisfy physical hunger does not.


Calories: 1848
Fat: 25%
Sat. Fat: 9%
Fiber: 56g
Calcium: 1750mg
Sodium: 5265mg (making up for doing so well yesterday... EEK)
Water: 72oz
Exercise:  30 mins stationary bike
                 5 mins eliptical trainer
                10 mins treadmill, walking uphill
                30 crunches (2 sets of 15)
                30 mins weight training/ arms

: see quote above.  It says it all.


dolcecaramela05 said...

I think this quote is in order: YOU GO GIRL!! you are doing awesome, and its great to see that, I remember that I felt the same way about working out this summer, it was so much fun!! Im glad you are having fun, because having fun should be a part of weightloss--if we are not having fun doing something we are less likely to continue it. Thanks for letting us know you are having fun!


kissable710 said...

i agree with the other comment "yo go girl" ur the best and i'm ver glad ur having fun doing wat u do i'm proud of u 2 !

starangel2528 said...

How many MPH do you go on the ellipical trainer?  I'm not sure what a good speed would be to get a good workout.

msyahtzee said...

Hey there!  I came across your journal a while back, so long ago that I can't even remember how I found you.  So, I have been lurking ever since and finally today said to myself- you gotta stop being lame and say hi.  So, Hi!  I really enjoy your journal.  I, too, have struggled with my weight most of my life and FINALLY got over myself, got out of my own way and began my weight loss/life style change journey in January of this year.  So far I am 45 lbs. freer and I am a gym rat, so I completely relate to, and enjoy reading about, your new found gym experiences.  I could spend hours in there every day if I could.  I just love the feeling of the rest of the world fading away and concentrating soley on moi!  Anyway, thanks for your daily good words and the wit and honesty in which you write.  Blessings, -Kari

sasonalmah said...

Go you and your hubby!!!!!!!  I am glad youa re doing htis for yourself!!!!