Patience is a Virtue - Where Can I Buy Some?

Today was weigh in day.  I've gained back up to 287.  Sigh.  I lost inches, three this week alone, but I've gained weight.

I found this stuff online:

I am losing inches, but not pounds. Why?
Five Weight Loss Dilemmas - Gaining weight and staying motivated

And not only that but I weighed in on my home scale that measures body fat and I've lost from 49% to 46%.

So I know that I'm losing fat, I know I'm reconditioning and retoning my body.  The numbers won't budge and that's annoying, but eventually they will.  I'm doing everything right - I'm eating a decreased calorie diet low in fat, drinking plenty of water and getting the proper exercise.

The numbers are going to have to take care of themselves.

I was thinking about changing to a different eating plan but I think I'm just going to be still and rest in this plateau.  It's not leveling out because of anything I'm doing or not, it's just the natural course of things.  I'm gaining muscle, and the inches are dropping.  I had hoped to lose 100lbs by August when Steven and I take an anniversary trip to Las Vegas - but I'm going to have to settle for losing 10 dress sizes instead (I'm 3 inches away from 24 woo woo!).  That's a pretty big deal and worth a congratulatory trip.  I went to the mall today and window shopped at the cool clothes I'll be able to wear. 

Talk about needing patience LOL  I had never really window shopped before for things like clothes and shoes, to know now I have to wait for these things was a bit of a challenge for this impulsive product of the RIGHT NOW generation.  And it doesn't help that since I've lost weight I want to get the sexy shoes and the nicer clothes.  I have never ever gotten into shoes but I'm turning into Imelda Marcos all of a sudden, trying on and loving all these wonderful shoes. 

I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like in a year when I'm closer to goal or at goal size. 

Speaking of which it's time to go to work so I can start saving for this new wardrobe. ;)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I don't have to be told or shown I am a success, true success comes from within.

June 29
Calories: 1974 / 19% fat
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles

June 30
Calories: 2079 / 30% fat
Water: 100oz
Exercise: Walked 2 miles, Pilates

RED means I didn't meet goal.

Be Water, My Friend

"Empty your mind. Become formless and shapeless like water. When water is poured into a cup, it becomes the cup. When water is poured into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Be water, my friend." - Bruce Lee

I love this quote.  It embraces adaptability, and I'm learning that is the key to true success.  In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Dr. Jeffers also describes how crucial adaptability is to success.  She says after you make a decision you should:

1.) Throw away your picture (your expectations)
2.) Accept total responsibility for your decisions

and

3.) Don't protect, correct.  It is most important to commit yourself to any decision you make and give it all you've got.  But if it doesn't work out, change it!  Many of us are so invested in making the "right" decision that even if we find we don't like the path we have chosen, we hang in there for dear life.  To my way of thinking , this is the height of craziness.  There is tremendous value in learning you don't like something.  Then it is simply a matter of changing your path. - Dr. Jeffers.

The one thing that I've learned from this journey is that I can adapt to fit my situation.  And it had to be the weight loss that taught me this, because this is the major accomplishment in my life.  Having and raising great children, working, writing and even marrying are certainly the prides of my life, but yet not as crucial to my self enlightenment as how I am sculpting and molding this body, mind and spirit.  It's the hardest work I've ever done.  What I do for others, that has never been the issue.  I was raised to be a martyr by the Queen of Martyrs, my mother.  My religion taught me that it was selfish to think of things like personal success, it was vain or prideful to want to be physically attractive.  So for me to work this hard on something for myself is monumental.

And note its origin came from a place of selflessness - to stick around and raise my kids.  It had to, I was no where near prepared to stand under my own power and think I could do it on my own and for me.

I'm getting there.

And how I'm doing that is learning how to strategize my life.  If something doesn't work, it doesn't mean I quit it altogether like I used to.  I just forge a new path.  And if it doesn't work I'm no longer a slave to routine.  When something ceases to be effective, I try something new.  I'm not afraid of trying and failing anymore, because I know the true source of failure is when I cease to try.

Case in point, my rather interesting afternoon.  Last week I read that Reese Witherspoon wants to do a horror flick.  Last week I fired off a letter to her agent to let him know that by wonderful coincidence, *I* have a horror script.  I described it in small detail, prayed over it and sent it off.

Today Steven answers the phone and then hands it to me saying it's someone from the William Morris Agency.  For those of you unfamiliar, this is one of the Big Five agencies in Hollywood.  I nearly had kittens.

Turns out the agent's assistant called to let me know that they didn't accept unsolicited material unless it had a money offer attached, so in essence it was a thanks but no thanks but I'm still as jazzed about it as can be.

This is a Big Agency, and they called me to tell me no personally.  I can't tell you why but it makes me feel like I'm finally on the road to making it.  I used to just sit on my dreams, but now I'm taking chances (and writing the agent was a very slim slim slim chance indeed) and I'm making progress, even if it's to try another path.

I'm like water.  If one thing doesn't work, I'm unaffected and try something else.  Used to be the last few years I would go into months of depression that I didn't make the quarterfinalist round of the Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship competition - the Big Contest that is associated with that little Gold Guy.  Now, I'm bouncing off the rejection and forging ahead - adapting, not quitting, even way before I know if I made quarter finalist or not.  And even better, I have a plan of attack no matter if I pass to the next round, or get two nice little rejection letters.

I'm going to make a sale this year, they just don't know it yet.

In fact, consider THAT my daily affirmation.

June 27
Calories: 1908 / 22% fat
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Free Day

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

Opportunities, Not Problems

Yesterday was a bear.  It seemed like whatever could go wrong or set me off did.  I was presented with several opportunities to demonstrate what God's been teaching me.  All issues have resolved thankfully, without me having a complete fit of carnality in the process.

If you haven't heard Jesse Duplantis' teaching on a Fit of Carnlity, you definitely should.  It's a hilarious sermon on how to keep negative emotions with bad consequences at bay.  God knows on most days I can use that teaching.

Yesterday gave me mannnnnnny opportunites.  Most notably Timothy made the mistake of leaving the back door open and one of our critters got out.  It wasn't on purpose, but after all the little things I was dealing with yesterday - it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Thankfully the critter made it back home - Romeow had quite the adventure.  My scroll mouse that gave me yet one more day of fighting my job (after internet problems the two days before) has now been replaced with an optical mouse.  The rough patch that Steven and I hit yesterday seems to have been smoothed over, and so thank God I made it through the battlefield with only a few minor cuts and scrapes.

I did get the kitchen clean and the fridge is so clean you can eat off of it.  I did one full load of laundry, then fizzled out on that.  I did get all my auctions prepared no thanks to my demon possessed mouse.  I even got a walk in even though the 94% humidity nearly knocked me out.

Today I'm presented with yet another opportunity - an interesting opportunity - to face a peculiar character trait.  My inability to stay still.  I'm always doing something, researching, searching, writing, working, doing.  I rarely ever sit and be still.  Sit and be quiet.  Today is my first official "day of rest" and I don't know what to do with myself.  I only have three things to do today.  Spend time with God, spend time with family and to be still.

I don't have to exercise, even though I think I should.  Today we could have gone for another walk (they're pretty painless if we go first thing in the morning), and I had to deal with NOT going. 

I don't have to work, and I'm really jazzed about that.  The last three days have earned me a day off.

I don't have to be anywhere near the computer - this is the toughy.  I'm so used to having information right there when I want it.  So it's not uncommon that I am never too far from the information super highway.

All I have to do is spend time with God, spend time with the family and be still.

I have to learn how to relax. 

After my whole life of feeling like I have to work like a dog for anything and everything, this is hard for me.  Even when I am not doing anything, I feel like I should be doing something.  I mistake motion for progress much of the time.

So for me to take time and regroup and recharge is very uncommon.  Yesterday I was working while the cartoons were on.  I had to physically force myself to go sit on the couch and do nothing. 

I always feel like I'm so far behind I have to do double time in order to catch up to where I oughta be.  And generally I go off in fifty directions and get very little accomplished.

This is why I must learn to organize my life and my thoughts.  So for me to get through the day without doing anything is going to be the challenge.  Not to get ahead of myself, just take the day as it comes.

So far this has been productive for me.  I have done more around the house, more at work and more with my family than I have done in a long time.  In fact, my check should be about $200 more just from being structured and organized.  I certainly have gotten more exercise done when I didn't even plan on doing any.  Winston has gotten to the park more in the past week than he's been in the past month.

I know it's good for me.  It's all a matter of creating new habits.  Replacing what wasn't working with what is. 

It's okay to take baby steps - I just need to learn to be still and enjoy the moment.  The next step will come when it is supposed to.  Right now, I'm just going to enjoy "being" rather than doing.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am worth relaxing and enjoying just being me.

June 26
Calories: 1915 / 22%
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

A relaxing morning

Breakfast in front of the tube watching Bugs Bunny.  Does it get much better than that?

I'm attempting to schedule my life a bit better in order to be more organized, so on tap today is the rest of the work I need to do for the week (about five hours) and then I'm going to do some housecleaning. 

Yup.  You heard me.  I'm gonna clean.

I typically leave these chores up to the kids, but Jeremiah is spending the weekend with his Grandma so that leaves the kitchen unattended.  I figured while I'm in there I'll get the refrigerator cleaned out.  Don't be surprised if you read in the paper:

ABILENE WOMAN DISCOVERS JIMMY HOFFA IN VEGATABLE CONTAINER

And I'm going to do laundry.  I hate to do laundry, don't ask me why.  I loathe going to the laundry mat to do it, so I can't quite figure out why it's such a chore to do it from home at my leisure.  The part "at my leisure" is generally what trips me up. 

Anyway I figure I'll chill for an hour watching toons and then launch into my last "work day" before Sunday - which I have decided to take off completely to honor the Sabbath.  It was an example that God laid down for us, six days of work and one day of rest.  Considering he created the heavens and the earth and everything in between, I think he better knows how to organize life than I do. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I will make a difference today.

June 25
Calories: 2069 / 23% fat
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

What a difference 9 sizes make...

Today just for the heck of it I went and tried on my wedding dress.  On my wedding day my sister was a little concerned we wouldn't be able to zip up and button this dress.  Today, I could get into and out of it zipped up.  Today, the top of this dress gaped and draped around me with enough room for my and Pam Anderson's boobs. 

It was a wonderful, wonderful thing.

I'm so completely jazzed.

I also managed to get a walk in this morning, the big route.  I also did Pilates on my brand new Pilates ball.  Another one bit the dust courtesy of my feline contengent.  I swear one of these days I'm going to find little scratch marks by their bed to signify how many balance balls have met their premature doom. 

Meanwhile I'm exhausted.  I got up at 5:30am and I'm falling asleep sitting up.  So I'm going to hit the hay and start again tomorrow morning. 

Gotta get that sleep.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm doing it.

Calories: 1858 / 21%
Water: 100oz
Exercise: walked 2 miles, Pilates

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected

New Photo Update

A bit late this month, my apologies.

Even though I didn't see the progress I wanted to see, I'm proud of the fact that the Tweety shirt I'm wearing in the recent pics is a size 1X.  I've never been able to wear it - it was too tight when I bought it.  So that I can wear it now is a big deal to me.

I found out an interesting tidbit about sleep habits and weight gain - it turns out if you don't get enough sleep your body developes an inability to dispose of glucose using insulin.  According to the article I found today it says:

The sleep loss affected many biological processes, including thyroid function and levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which was abnormally high in the evening in the sleep-deprived men, she says. But after the men made up for the sleep loss, they showed no signs of permanent damage, and their metabolic levels returned to normal.

So after a full night's sleep I weighed in at 285,  four pounds lighter than the other day I weighed in at 289.  It's only a pound loss since last month at 286, but at least it's going down.  And I think by taking good care to get regular sleep and cut down on the sugar, we'll start to see the success I had at the beginning of this journey. 

Of course flip flopping the sleep schedule over is a challenge.  I took a nap this evening because my back hurts, so that cut my calories short and my water shorter.  I just have to be patient with myself.

One thing to be proud of is that I'm walking even though I put no exercise pressure on myself this week. 

Baby steps.

Meanwhile I'm going to go back to bed.  I took a pain reliever and hopefully will knock out this backache.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am sculpting a beautiful, healthy body.

Calories: 1747 / 15%
Water: 62oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected

Regrouping...

Okay.  I measured today and I'm up another inch.  At first I was highly upset.  My month of exercise has yeilded less results that I was enjoying.  My weight loss has stagnated.  I've watched my successes dwindle from 17lbs a month to 12 to 8 to 6 to 4 and now to none. 

So I've had to re-examine my strategy.  What was I doing differently back then to what I'm doing now.  What was I doing that was so successful that I'm no longer doing?

Two things come automatically to mind.  The first is I used to walk a lot more.  I used to walk no less than 5 times a week in addition to the daily cardio of riding the bike and doing the Pilates.  Since the weather has gotten hotter, I don't walk as much.  But I need to make it a priority to make it to the mall even if it's too hot to walk at the park.  Walking is where I had a lot of success.

The second thing that comes to mind is my focus on sodium.  I depend on processed meals because of the sodium control I have with it.  It's easier to pop a Lean Cuisine in the microwave and know exactly how much sodium is in it, than to do a crap shoot with other things that I prepare separately.  Not to mention, all food that comes from a box or a can has one of two preservatives.  If it doesn't have sodium, it has sugar.  I'm beginning to suspect that the sodium is the lesser of the two evils.

A lot of people have mentioned that I need to do away with processed foods altogether.  Unfortunately this is not a realistic option for me simply because my grocery budget is very limited.  I purchase groceries once every two weeks, and if I buy fresh vegatables they're gone or bad within the first week.  Then there's the cost of the healthier alternatives.  I've often said that I'm too poor to be thin.  Lean cuts of meat cost more, fresh vegatables cost more, etc and so far.  It's far more economical for me to buy a box dinner than to get all the separate componants to make a more natural dinner.  And the fact is I've made that work within my goals.

When I started watching sodium I steered away from things like tuna, canned chicken, lunch meat, cheese products, breads, canned beans and most vegatables in a can because of the high sodium risk.  I don't eat subway because almost all of  their 6 grams and under sandwiches are over 1000 grams of sodium.  The alternative was I was eating foods high in sugar because they were low in sodium just to make it fit.

So, just for the next month, until July 20, I'm going to stop focusing on the sodium and just eat like I normally did.  Watching the fat and calories, making healthier choices.  I'm getting enough water now that I shouldn't retain water, and I've retained water anyway even watching the sodium. 

Also for the week I'm going to ditch the exercise.  Mostly because of problem number three - my schedule.  Back when I had the most success I was on a regular schedule.  I was getting up in the morning and getting the most out of my day.  I wasn't on a weird sleep schedule where some days I'd sleep at night and some I'd sleep during the day.  My energy is zapped if I sleep during the day, and it may seriously be messing up my metabolism.  So while I'm shifting back into a more normal schedule, I'm going to ditch the exercise.  My body will be working hard enough.

Tomorrow is weigh in and pictures without fail.  It's a new starting point.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am unstoppable. 

Calories: 1929 / 25%
Water: 100oz

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

I am Frustrated

CAUTION:  Weak Warrior Moment Ahead...

I am frustrated.  Completely and totally frustrated.

I've noticed a pattern when I weigh in.  When I know I'm going to weigh in, I totally subconsciously sabatoge myself.  I cannot sleep, which affects weigh in.  I get so tense my bowels lock up, which affects weigh in.  Without fail whenever I weigh in I do everything I know in my logical mind will give me a bad result.

I swear I'm not doing it on purpose, and everytime it happens I get so mad and upset at myself I immediately want to pig out. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.  Furthermore I'm at a complete loss how to fix it.

I think I'm going back to weighing myself once a week.  It seemed like things leveled out at that point.  I've been thinking about fasting one day a week.  For a lot of reasons but mostly because I still feel the lingering bondage for food.  I have to research on how to do it healthily.

Anyway I may just be speaking out of frustration and things will be clearer in the morning.  I need to figure out when a good weigh in would be and just stick to it.  I'll do the photo update then.  It will probably be Wednesday.  It may be tomorrow.  We'll just seen if I can't pull myself together.

Anyway, I blew water and sodium.  Chalk it up to the self sabotage.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I don't care what the scale says, I know I'm successfully changing my body and losing this weight.

Calories: 2003 / 22% fat
Sodium: 3733mg
Calcium: 1986mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected

A Good Father's Day

Way back in 1980 I lost my reason to celebrate Father's Day.  I grew up without a male influence in my life, except for the wrong kinds I used to substitute it.  Father's Day took on new meaning when I met Dan, and we began to have children together.  That's where my focus has been, until this year.  Steven now celebrates this day solo, when it used to be a day that they shared.  Last year I didn't even get to spend Father's Day with either one, I was in California helping my sister prepare for her move here.

I thought there was plenty of times.  Many other Father's Days.  I forgot that lesson taught to me in 1980.

So today was definitely bittersweet.  But I finally realized something I had never before considered - even though I was brought up in the Church.  God is my Father.  I've never been without one, because the Heavenly Father has always been there for me.  Whether I reached out or not, He was always there.  And is always there.  Thank God.

The second revelation I had was that God blessed me with another Father, a Father by marriage.  Someone who has accepted me and my children as part of his family - who has loved us unconditionally and supported us unwaiveringly.   I watch as the relationship repairs between Steven and his Dad with tears in my eyes.  It's a beautiful thing to see.  Steven's whole family is such a blessing to me, they show me how to really be a family, something I really never got to enjoy as I grew up.  I now have another supportive, loving mother, Mom2, I have another sister and a brother in law whom I geniunely like as people.  I'm honored to know them.  I even have grandparents, uncles, cousins...  I just thank God for the blessing of this wonderful family I can now call my own.

Finally, today we became members of New Hope Church.  Now I have a Spiritual Father, my Pastor Chuck Farina.  Ever since I started going there I felt accepted, supported and loved.

I miss my Dad and I miss Dan.  But God is gracious and really is a God of Abundance. 

Today Steven, Timothy and Jeremiah were baptized.  For Timothy and Jeremiah it was a gift they could give Daniel, who has already gone home.  It was a living symbol of their faith and hope in Jesus Christ, through whom we have conquered death.

And if God didn't give me enough gifts today, one of my old skirts I used to wear just a couple of years ago was falling off of me so badly I had to safety pin the four inch gap to keep it closed.  I realized one of the better feelings in the world is to shrink out of clothes you used to wear. 

So I'm just so thankful and grateful for what God is doing and has done in my life.  I pray everyone who reads this journal had a blessed day.  {{hugs to everyone}}

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am blessed.

Calories: 1913 / 29%
Sodium: 3356mg
Calcium: 2614mg
Water: 94oz
Exercise: Free Day

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

Now Exiting the Comfort Zone

Today was our Church Membership class.  I really believe in this church, I really believe that there is a mighty power of God working there.  Allow me to give you a little history.

Pastor Chuck Farina and his wife Barb were working at a church in Duncan, Oklahoma, a place where they'd worked for 7 years.  They were comfortable there, they were happy there.  The last thing they were looking for was change.

Barb's family lives in Abilene, so both Chuck and Barb had made many visits to our town.  In 1999, as they were driving down a south side street, Chuck heard the voice of God that he needed to come to Abilene and start a church on the south side of our town.  He turned to Barb and asked her if she'd ever considered starting a church in Abilene, she promptly turned to him with stark terror on her face and told him to Shut Up.

But the seed was planted.  After Chuck had returned to Duncan he couldn't get this new idea out of his mind.  He wanted to, mind you.  He wasn't thinking about making any changes, and if he did it certainly wasn't to come to Abilene.  And Barb wasn't much help.  She refused to pray with him on the matter at first, convinced this word was not from God.  Eventually of course she did end up praying and fasting with him to find out if it really was from God.  Most important to the story, they didn't tell anyone about what they were going through.

So when a speaker came to their church who has a prophetic gift, Pastor waited to see if the speaker brought it up.  He still thought it was entirely possible he was missing God (and I'm sure it was wishful thinking).  They had jobs, they had a home, they were safely ensconced in their Comfort Zone.

The speaker said he had a word for Pastor Chuck, but the time wasn't right.  So there Chuck dangled out there on the vine.  It wasn't until one very power packed evening under the anointing that his senior Pastor called him out and told him that he needed get out of his comfort zone.  That his ministry would never grow like he wanted it to until he did.  This Pastor had no idea the turmoil Chuck was under, but he knew God had bigger plans.  As Chuck left that evening, the speaker took him aside and told him the time was right.  That he was going to go and plant a church in a city God had already showed him. 

Needless to say, that was the brick.  Pastor Chuck told his Pastor what he felt God was calling him to do, and turns out that Pastor had a heavy heart for the town of Abilene.  He'd always asked God to send him, but that was not his assignment. 

Thankfully it was Pastor Chuck's assignment.  In August of that year, they came to Abilene, bought a house and started fellowship there.  In January, he and his launch team launched their first formal service with 53 people.  Their first sanctuary was at the local Girl Scout Council office.  When a change in management necessitated a move, they moved over to a Bank building and had services in the basement.  While they were there, a guest speaker told Pastor Chuck all he had to do was find a building and he knew someone who would buy it for them.

The building, an old Triangle Lanes bowling alley.  The estimated price, $2 million dollars.  The owner and founder of Hobby Lobby paid for this building and in October of last year New Hope Church had its first service in its new home.

Eventually this building will seat 900 people.  Right now we've grown from that initial 53 to over 300.  By joining yesterday, Steven and I will become charter members when they become an official Assembly of God Council Church next Sunday.

I'm really excited about what is going on.  I truly believe it is anointed.  A lot of people dismiss things like this as coincidence, but my definition of "coincidence" is two events happening simultaneously to suit God's purposes.  A lot of people also don't believe that miracles are for today, but I say they're just not looking hard enough.  Miracles surround us every day.  The only difference is negativity has a better press agent.  The bad news is always the loudest.

And that's why it's so easy for us Weight Loss Warriors to get discouraged.  Our very own negative voices drown us out sometimes.  Here I am in this membership class with other people eager and willing to join this church and all that entails, and I'm gripped with fear.  Fear of what will asked or expected of me.  Fear of how I'm about to be ripped right out of my comfort zone. 

You might remember me telling you several weeks ago that it was a daunting task for me to get out and meet people during the meet and greet segment of each Sunday service.  A lot of people see me as cold or rude, when really I'm just absolutely terrified.  Terrified of being rejected or ridiculed.  For me to feel that at this church is especially silly - they have always been ultra friendly and accepted me from the start.  But yet I do.

Last week during revival when Pastor Chuck said to go around and meet people you don't know I immediately stepped out into the aisle without thinking about it.  As I'm walking down the aisle suddenly it hit me what I was doing and I was zapped with fear.  My first honest thought was, "Oh my God what am I doing??!"  I turned right into Peter, realizing I was out walking on water.  I was stunned that my obedience overrode my initial fear - it was only thinking about it that gave me pause.

Being a member of this church means I get to share this love and acceptance they strive for with all the people who enter there - and that means meeting new people.  Initiating contact.  Getting over myself and my fear and jumping head long out of my comfort zone. 

I'm still scared, I won't lie.  But I also know I'll never get where I need to be without taking some risks.  In order to grow, I have to stretch beyond the status quo.  I don't know what's going to be asked of me as a servant of this church.  My son Timothy seems to think I should be on the worship team, but I am not sure I'm ready to find out of this is my call or not.   Only time will tell.  And I have to seriously smash down that negative talking Chatterbox whenever it starts to tell me that I have nothing to provide to this church. 

I think as I grow and learn from this Journey, breaking the bondage of fear I've lived under for almost all my life, my ministry will be to help others who are bound by insecurity and fear.  Right now I'm a student.  That means constantly challenging myself to go further.

It's like the Tae Bo tape.  It's challenging me to do what I haven't done physically.  I maybe can't do the whole thing yet, but each time I do it, I'm trying harder, pushing harder, doing better.  Just buying the darn thing was a huge gigantic major step out of my comfort zone.  I didn't think I could do it, and I surprised myself.

That's what life is about, I think.  Continually surprising my by what I can do or accomplish.  I know it's never going to happen until I get the guts to get out of my comfort zone.

And y'all get to watch me, whether I fly like an eagle or drop like a stone.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I already have everything I need to succeed.

Calories: 1801 / 19% fat
Sodium: 2681mg
Calcium: 2146mg
Water: 100oz
Exercise: 30 mins Tae Bo

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

 

 

The Importance of Being Deliberate

If there's one thing I've learned on this journey is that thought must be applied before action.  Never do I get in more trouble as when I do anything unconciously.  If I eat without planning, I overdo it.  If I don't plan for excercise, I completely ignore it altogether.  Things have to be deliberate.

For a while now around mid workout I think I should have lit my fragrance jar or candles or lights that make for a more welcoming and relaxing environment.  Something to make it pleasing on every level.  But I never remember to do it, because I put off working out till the least possible minute.  I try to get chores out of the way, work out of the way, etc.  I even started to pray before the workout, committing the exercise to God and praying that he will put it to good use in my body, but I've forgotten to do that too lately.  Only till I get to some difficult maneuver when I have to call on God to help me get through it (can you say Bridge?  I knew that you could) - that's when I remember I haven't said the initial prayer.

I have gotten a lot more deliberate with my eating, so now I have to be just as tenaticous with the rest of my actions.  I have to apply thought, be deliberate and exercise control.  You'd think a control freak like me would hate flying by the seat of her pants, but yet I put myself in these positions.

Keeping this in mind, I must make a plan for the 20th.  As you may know, this is my photo update day, and this month it happens to be Father's Day also.  Lately I've been keeping Steven's hours, i.e. working overnights and sleeping during the day.  So on Sunday more than likely I'll go to church, come home, catch a nap and then take Steven out to Perini's, his favorite steakhouse.  Given I won't get much sleep, I think I'm going to delay the photo update until the 21st instead.  Which means I have to be especially conscious of what I eat on Sunday if I'm going to weigh in on Monday.   OR I could weigh in later today (Saturday), it just depends on how I feel when I get up later.  We have our church membership class this morning, so we're going to get to bed especially late.

I'll let you know later how it goes.

Meanwhile, it's another On Program day, which pleases me greatly.  Again I was beating the water clock last night and I swear you can hear me slosh when I walk.  BUT, things are running a lot smoother these days.  I'm not sure if it's going back to the bran cereal or just having adequate hydration - but I feel much better than I have in a while. 

It all comes back to that authentic life.  We all know what we need to do, and doing it is the only way to feel right within our skin.

I'm getting there.  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm sculpting a beautiful, healthy body one good choice at a time.

Calories: 1833 / 24% fat
Sodium: 2983mg
Calcium: 2022mg
Water: 100oz
Exercise: 30 mins Pilates

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

The Hardest Part is Not, I Repeat NOT Getting Started

Doing something the first time is never the hard part.  It's doing something the SECOND time that determines your commitment level.

I say this as a veteran of two Tae Bo workouts.  I don't do the whole workout mind you, some of the steps are still a wee bit too complicated.  I do 30 mins, which coincides nicely with the more complicated maneuvers.

Keep in mind I actually had fun when I did this the other day.  It felt really good during - some of the positions were a little difficult but I managed to keep going throughout the whole workout.  Yesterday, when my butt began its formal revolt over this new development, I thought just you wait.  We'll do it again and it'll be great.

My body had other ideas.  It was a painful exercise in endurance to get through this workout today.  BUT I'm happy to report that I did get through it just fine.  I'm pouring sweat but I made it. 

Speaking of fluids, I got my 100oz again today but boy it was a chore.  I spent between 10pm and 11pm sucking down a 24oz bottle and then some just to make it by the 11pm cutoff.  I've worn a track between here and the bathroom, and I think all this sweat is just overflow. 

But I made all my goals.  I feel so good making my goals, I have to say.  The days I wasn't making goals I felt like a naughty little girl just waiting to be admonished.  But those days are gone.  As always the only day I have control over is today, the present, the right now.  Oh, and I didn't get that walk in.  With Steven's and my schedules being so haywire right now I'm going to wait until things smooth down to implement it.  My minimum workout is 30 mins a day, 6 days a week. 

Oh, and a sidenote, I heard from the management company and they gave me a nice thanks but no thanks.  Onward and upward.   I've got other plans for this script I plan to put into affect in the next month or so.

This is the project I plan to enter into Disney, for the one year fellowship.  It's called Comic Squad, about a young comic book fan who inadvertantly releases the bad guy from her favorite comic book into her town.  When she can't release the hero to capture him, it's up to her and a band of misfits to save the day.

Comic Squad

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Nothing will come to me that I can't handle.

Calories: 1927 / 20% fat
Sodium: 2803mg
Calcium: 2349mg
Water: 100oz
Exercise: 30 mins Tae Bo

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected

Day Number Two as a WEIGHT LOSS WARRIOR

War is hell.  And my hamstrings and glutes are the casualties.  They hurt...but it's a good hurt.

They just really almost went AWOL when I put them through Pilates.

But we plow on, my tired weary muscles and me.  We have a job to do - a mission to accomplish.  And there's only one way we're going to do it.

Hard work and determination.

Sure it hurts to sit down.  Sure it will be hard to face another squat in the eye. 

But we will not give up.  We will never surrender.

Diet wise I did really well.  I met all my goals today, and it feels good.  It feels real good.

The only things that don't feel good are the fat cells which are making their protest of this war quite clear.   They're none too pleased about their eviction notice.

Not that it rattles my cage in the least.  It's my body and I say what stays and what goes. 

And the fat is outta here.  If it's going to be them or me, it's going to be them.  Period.

Meanwhile I am going to get a walk in before it gets too warm. 

It's back to the front line.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm strong, capable and winning the war against obesity.

Calories: 1810 / 29% fat
Sodium: 2236mg
Calcium: 1185mg
Water: 100oz
Exercise: 30 mins Pilates

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected 

Of course you know, this means war.

I realized today that I have been in the 280s since April.  This is not acceptible.

The only reason I haven't lost weight like I used to is I lost the focus I used to have.  When I started this year I wasn't going to make a new year's resolution to lose weight because it always seems like resolutions lose their steam by February.

Plainly speaking, I got lazy - I lost my drive.  I lost my longing.  I began to coast, and I have no one to blame but myself for losing progressively less and less until I actually gained weight during the course of a month.

So no more.  I'm going to renew my focus - I'm going to renew my passion and my longing for a better, healthier body.  No more am I going to ride the wave like a twig helplessly floating along wherever the mighty river decides to take it.

No, from this day forward *I* am the river. 

Toward this goal I bought my very first Tae Bo tape.  I may be rhymically challenged, but I'm not going to let that stop me.  Nothing is going to stop me.  I know how to make this thing work, I've done it time and again in the past.

So here's my goals from here on in.  I'm going to walk 5 days a week, at least 30 mins.  I'm going to alternate Tae Bo and Pilates six days a week.  Tonight was Tae Bo, tomorrow is Pilates, etc. 

I'm going to get my water in, 100 oz a day.  After the Tae Bo this shouldn't be a problem - I killed a half a bottle in one gulp. 

I'm going to get no less than 1800 and no more than 2000 calories a day.  With the extra work, I'm going to fuel my body.  Again no more than 30% of that will be fat, and I'm going to get my sodium back under control at no more than 3000 grams.  And the calcium will be no less than 1100mg a day. 

I'm a woman on a mission.  Nothing will stop me.  Most especially ME.

I've got a Las Vegas trip in August that I had planned to treat myself for reaching the 100lb weight loss.  Not only that but I have a vow renewal next year on my anniversary, and I'm going to be goal weight.  Life is not going to wait for me to get off my tuckus - and I'm tired of feeling so discouraged that I'm not seeing the success I used to.  It's only because I'm not doing what I used to. 

And that changes.  Today.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I won't let me get in the way of my goals anymore.  Today is a new day, I'm not who I was yesterday, nor am I half of the success I'm going to be tomorrow.

Calories: 2059mg / 26% fat
Sodium: 2705mg
Calcium: 1191mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: 30 mins Tae Bo

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected 

Learning to Lead

Over the last couple of weeks the group I had introduced to the church began to dwindle.  Where I was feeling confident that I was a leader, I was faced with people falling away from me and losing my flock.

Well God was gracious enough to show me the error of my ways.  Thankfully it wasn't a full fledged smiting.  It was just a not so gentle nudging that a true leader keeps their eyes forward, not behind them.  I was so preoccupied on getting everyone else on the path I had strayed myself.

I truly believe that my purpose in life is one of leadership.  Maybe that's why I've experienced so many bad things, so that I can help others who are in the same situation.  But first I have to fight my own way out.

And last night I didn't lead that authentic life I need to live in order to fulfill my purpose.  I shook off the exercise, making excuses and totally let myself down but anyone else who may keep my journal in mind as an example.  And recognize please that I consider that a tremendous responsibility - I do not approach it with any kind of arrogance at all.

But one thing I realize is sometimes people need to follow someone who has the courage to make the first move.  There's safety in numbers, and we all seem to operate better in a group.  I know that I check out many journals every day to see how people are doing, wanting and needing to see the journey of others.  It inspires me. 

So I never want to let anyone down who comes to this journal.  I have to keep my eyes focused on the prize, and blaze the path if it is not already mapped out for me.  I don't want to do it alone, and I appreciate everyone who follows this journey with me - I lean on you all, your support builds me up.

Therefore I apologize for falling short.  Not just to you but to myself.  I need to get my head focused on what I'm really here for, and that's to put one foot in front of the other until my goal is met and my vision fulfilled.

I'm truly grateful for those of you who walk with me.  I can honestly say I couldn't have come this far without you.  This journal is my anchor, my accountibility - my honest, authentic life.

That said I did go slightly over calories today.  We went out to eat after church, and the IHOP boysenberry syrup took me over.  I didn't expect the fruit flavored syrup to be so much higher than regular syrup.  Live and learn.

The sodium - well that's just been a lost cause this week.  It'll be better after I go shopping, where I can restock on all my "safe" foods.  I'm really looking forward to it to be quite honest.  I hate food induced guilt. 

Oh, and an update on the My Immortal front - I haven't heard anything yet from the contests or the management companies.  I don't consider this a good sign.  If the management company liked it they would have called or contacted me by now I'm sure.  I will write them, but I wouldn't be surprised if they say it's a pass. 

But that's okay.  I've prayed that God will take these projects where they need to go, and I'm still going to send Comic Squad to the Disney Writing Fellowship.  There are coveted positions available for a nice $50,000 paycheck, and I have a project that might be just right for Disney.  So that, with a new wave of query letters going out, should help me find more interest.  It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: My life has meaning and purpose, and I don't have to be perfect in order to carry it out.  I just have to be true to who I was created to be.

Calories: 1954 / 24% fat
Sodium: 3742mg
Calcium: 1027mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: bike 30 mins*/Pilates*/more Jorge ab work*

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

The Importance of Vision

Today we had day one of a rivival at our church, and the Bishop's message is one of Vision.  It brought back into sharp focus what the meaning of my life is, and how mcuh the weight loss figures into it.  He mentioned a scripture that helped me get over the "stuck in the mud" feeling I get when the numbers on the scale don't change like I'd like them to. 

Habbakuk 2:2 And the LORD answered me: "Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets, so he may run who reads it. 3 For still the vision awaits its time; it hastens to the end--it will not lie. If it seem slow, wait for it; it will surely come, it will not delay.

So here I write my vision:  to lose weight, to lead by example and to eventually help others break the bondage of obesity.  Thought it seems slow I know that it will surely come.  In this I have faith.

Because I'm doing the work, I'm fighting the good fight and I will see the rewards of my diligence. 

I went over goal today.  Again with the unconcious eating.  Mainly I forgot to list one item, and then got the caloric content of another item I ate on the fly completely wrong.  It sent me over 200 calories (about 100 extra calories per item).  My sodium was completely crazy.  I finally indulged in Taco Bell today.  It used to be my favorite restaurant, but I have avoided it like the plague since I realized how bad the sodium was.  Turns out the regular tacos aren't so bad (150 calories each, 360 sodium, 7 grams of fat), and I dove into two with glee.  I could probably cut the calories even more by ordering it without cheese then adding my own cheese at home (the low fat or non fat kind) - I'll have to do some research.  Cuz I'm all about the cheese.  It's not Mexican food if it doesn't have cheese. 

Besides, cheese is good for you.  Calcium and all that jazz.  Three servings a day to help lose weight.  You won't see me complaining. 

I think I'm going to forego the exercise tonight.  My back hurts worse than I thought and I would rather just take it easy and get back in the swing of things tomorrow.  A hot bath seems infinitely more appealing.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I was born for a purpose that I have every single attribute to fulfill.

Calories: 2092 / 23% fat
Sodium: 3430mg
Calcium: 853mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

 

Concentrating on the Abs

I'm so excited.  Just for kicks I got out my trusty tape measure to see where I was compared to what I am now.  From my midsection I've lost 10" from my love handle area, 9" from my waist and 12 glorious inches from the dreaded girth.  It was SO COOL to see the progress.  It gave me a real sense of how much weight I've actually lost. 

And I'm not done.  I am on a mission to hit size 24 - I'm only a couple of inches away.  I signed up with AOL's 4 weeks to firmer abs with Jorge Cruise at  AOL Coaches Weight Loss : Belly.  I just got done with my first exercises.  My only complaint is that there are no pictures.  I process instructions so much better visually. 

We'll see how it goes.  Size 24 here I come.

I finally made it to 96 oz of water today.  Dunno why those last four ounces are so hard to take.  I gotta do something because my sodium is off the charts.  We're getting to the end of our grocery supply, so things like tuna are doing me in.  For the moment, until I can shop for more ideal foods, I'm going to have to just grin and bear the higher totals.

Anyway it's time for an advil (I have another headache) and a short nap before church.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am what I say I am; strong, powerful, healthy and beautiful.

Calories: 1828 / 28% fat
Sodium: 3642mg
Calcium: 1496mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: Ab toning exercises

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

Month #7 Update

I weighed in and found I had gained 2lbs, which puts me at one pound over where I was last month.  I wasn't so much worried about that mostly because I have lost 8.5" where I haven't lost pounds.  My body is definitely changing, and the exercise is molding me.  Someone told me once that sometimes it takes the body a little bit to catch up, so I'm just going to put my faith in that.

I learned my lesson of unconscious eating.  I hadn't eaten since I got up, and it took me a few hours to actually get to the mall to weigh in.  By the time we went I was ravenous, and Steven, sweet man that he is, bought me my favorite meal.  Unfortunately, I should have done a little more research before I ate it - the meal itself came in at 1000 calories and over 2000 grams of sodium.

And speaking of sodium, I happened to browse through an issue of Cooking Light, and found an article that says the guideline for sodium was previously too high.  This article suggests that a woman in my age group needs no more than 1500mg of sodium.  How disheartening this news was!  I have a hard enough time trying to keep it under 3000mg.  I can't even imagine cutting it in half.  I think I'll stick with this for a while longer still.

Personally I'm going to count my successes.  The fact that I'm a mere two inches from a size 24 excites me.  The fact that, aside from today, I was able to meet my caloric goals and still eat what I wanted to shows me I've come so much further from where I've been.  Even though my exercise went down, I met my three days a week goal.  The scales aren't always going to be kind - but the changes are definite and they're positive.  I know I'm on the right track - and as of tomorrow I'm going to get back in the groove. 

Meanwhile tonight is a bust.  I have a major headache from watching the funeral for Ronald Reagan.  It hit me pretty hard, even though I may have had opposing views of some of his policies - the fact of the matter is, he did help end the cold war by using diplomacy and peace.  That is something I can really honor in this day and age, and under our current government.   What I especially admire is the strong marriage he and Nancy shared, and the legacy of commitment their love will leave in this world.  It wasn't just a former president who was lost, but a father.  A husband.  A friend. 

God bless you as you embark on your next journey, Mr. President. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Life is God's gift to me.  What I do with it, is my gift to Him. 

Calories: 2399 / 34% fat
Sodium: 4332mg
Calcium: 631mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

Queen of the Do-Over

Make no mistake about it, if at first I don't succeed I start all over again.  I like starting all over again.  I like the clean slate.  I don't like being delegated back to the starting gate, but I don't mind giving something a pure first try - again.

Thankfully that's been the best thing about this particular leg of my journey.  If something doesn't work, I just try something else.  If I can't go over the mountain, I go around.  I haven't let too many obstacles stop me, only detour me just for a moment.

I bring all this up because tomorrow is the 11th.  That means weigh in.  That means finding out if the last week of not being as cautious as I should have been with food intake and ignoring the exercise part of things will have me stagnated at 284.  That's my estimation, I don't think I've gained.  But the beauty part is no matter what it is, it's not the end.  If it's not what I want it to be, it will be.  I'll just be more diligent and less inclined to eat stuff I know I shouldn't. 

For once I'm not worried.  I know all I have to do is get through today, that's it.  I don't have to worry that my not losing weight pushes back my goal date another week, I'm not looking that far ahead. 

Just baby steps at a time.

And of course I say all this to psyche myself up.  Normally when I don't lose weight I get depressed, and I don't want to do that.  I've lost inches regardless, and the fact of the matter is I have done pretty well on the calories if nothing else.  And that's with eating less than ideal food.

Interestingly enough, my carbs have gone way down and my proteins and fats have evened up, a lot like the Zone diet.  I could very well lose weight just on that principle alone.  It will be a very eye opening experiment if nothing else.

Tomorrow my guests leave and it's back to the status quo.  I'll work into the night - I need to pay off that stinking electric bill - spend some time with them tomorrow morning and catch the Reagan funeral on TV - then hit the hay.  When I wake up, it'll be time to weigh in and see exactly where I stand.

Keep your fingers crossed.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm not a failure because I didn't make it, I'm a success because I tried.

Calories: 1560 / 32%
Sodium: 2620mg
Calcium: 479mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 2 miles

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

Fighting the Stress

Lemme tell you a bit about my electric company.

They SUCK.

When we first moved in at our old place late June of last year, we signed up with, oh, let's call them Satan.  They ended up cutting us off despite the fact that we had paid the deposit, citing that it was the apartment managers fault for sending in a disconnect notice.  This ended up being a bogus claim because the service was already in our name and the apartment complex couldn't shut off "our" service, only their service.  But we went without power during a blazing hot day in July.

Month after month passes by and we get no bill.  We call to find out our balance and they say we owe nothing.  By the time we moved in January we called to find out our bill again, and they said we had a dollar balance.  We transferred service and within the month we got whacked with a $1600 bill.  This is common with this company I found. 

Anyway, after a move we didn't have this money to pay in full, so we had to set up payments.  This works out to be about $225 a month on top of our regular bill.  It hurts financially, but we have to have power.  And if we wanted to change to another company that a. has better customer service and b. has a better rate, we have to pay a deposit now and wait 4-6 weeks for power to be transferred.  Apparently this is a new thing in Texas.

Well, just when we get resolved to pay approximately $400 a month for electricity, this month's bill came.  Timothy, my oldest child, ended up putting a rather nice hole in his bedroom window (storm windows no less) and apparently this screwed up our AC efficiency because this month was a whopping $437 bucks.  Including the back payment we owe that sets our bill for this month at $662.  Just when I finally got the spare $500 for the plane tickets to Vegas for my anniversary, where the free rooms wait.

I'm so frustrated.  I  hate to admit, I am discouraged.  Just so tired of fighting these money problems. 

I am proud to report that I didn't want to eat upon hearing this news yesterday.  I didn't even go back to bed like I wanted to.  I was stressed, but I didn't revert back to emotional eating.  So I'm happy about that.  I know that we'll figure out something, Steven is considering selling his gaming cards since he doesn't really play anymore anyway.  We turned off the AC and are suffering through with fans.  It's bloody hot.  But I figure even this is good for the weight loss as I'm now living in a sauna.  Couple that with not being able to afford much food - instant weight loss. LOL

That's me, Queen of the Silver Lining.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Psalms 56:11 - in God I trust without a fear. What can man do to me? 

Calories: 1893 / 34%
Sodium: 2058mg
Calcium: 387mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected 

Fort Phantom & A BBQ

As it's name might suggest, Fort Phantom Hill is an eerie local tourist attraction.  But it's also free, and we're all about the bargain.  In all my years living in my hometown I had never gone to see the relics of the old Fort, nor had I ever gone to the lake.  So it was a first for many of us yesterday.

It also was a lot of walking - which I needed considering what I ate at the BBQ.  Up above are my own photos, and below are some links about the site.

Welcome to the Fort Phantom Hill Home Page
Investigation of Fort Phantom Hill
Investigation of Fort Phantom Lake

Now the reason I had never gone out there was because of the Lady of the Lake.  It's a local legend that apparently changes with each generation, but it's said that if you go out to one of the cemetaries three nights in a row you can conjur her presence.  As evidenced in the photos above, an eerie apparition that looks to be wearing a long white dress does show up on the digital photos. 

Not one for one on one confrontations with ghosts, I made my maiden voyage to the Lake in the daytime.  My guests still want to make a nighttime visit, and I'm prepared to meet them halfway and go at dusk.  No cemetaries though.  You can't have a person with an imagination like me and plant them in the middle of a spooky environment - there's just no telling what I'll come up with. 

At any rate above are the daytime photos.  The most bizarre incident that happened to us involved the commissary at the Fort itself.  As we went in, my one cousin Jen got bit by a bug, and then a bee started to chase Jay.  We left, because it appeared what lived in that commissary surely didn't want us there.  If you see the photo above, there is a fuzzy part of the picture right in the center that, at first glance, appears to be someone standing there.  It was more than a little creepy. 

You mean to tell me you believe in ghosts, Ginger?  Um, that would be a big ol affirmative.  I believe, and this includes life in outer space, that the universe is a big too big and a bit too complex for my wee human mind to fully grasp - so rather than discount things automatically I leave room open to make up my own mind and trust my own instincts.  When we went to the Alamo I fully expected to feel a spiritual connection to all the events that took place there.  I was surprised to find that, aside from the inside of the Alamo itself, which is now a shrine to those who died in battle, I didn't feel the heavy oppression I thought I'd feel.  In fact, I felt peaceful.  The shrine is where I felt the heavy blanket of oppression to where it took my breath away. 

Actually there's kind of a funny story regarding sensitivity to the paranormal.  We went to another local historic site in nearby Buffalo Gap, where they have preserved a bunch of buildings from earlier times.  There's a dentist office, a post office, a bank, a gas station, even a frontiersman shack - all from an earlier time, preserved to their specific dates.

Anyway so we went there last year when Dan was still alive.  We walked through the house of the first Sheriff, and my kids asked me if I felt anything.  It was only very marginally, which is what I told them.  Next we headed over to the first county courthouse.  I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary downstairs at all.  Since the lady at the front desk told us we absolutely had to go upstairs, Dan and Jeremiah headed up to see what the big hubbub was all about.

I lead Steven and Timothy up just shortly after, and all at once that heavy oppressive feeling hit me as I was a few steps up the stairs.  It was a horrible, nasty, ugly feeling.  So I paused and told them, "I feel something here."  At the same time, Dan exclaimed from upstairs, "HOLY SH*T!"  Scared the you know what outta me. 

Turns out the upstairs was the jail, and it had a really eerie little solitary confinment room.  Inside this room is a mannequin sitting on the cot inside - this is what surprised Dan.  I wouldn't even look into it.  That nasty feeling followed me all the way up the stairs and just permeated around that room. 

So thanks, but no thanks. 

Anyhoo, so that's my take on ghosts.  There are a couple of orbs on my photos, but they're hard to see because it was daylight.  I did feel that oppressive feeling in a couple of places there at the Fort, but it was highly unspectacular considering the expectations I had.  The one place that gave me the creeps worse than anything, aside from the commissary, was the guardhouse.  The fact it was a locked room and it smelled of urine not withstanding.

As for the BBQ I did pretty good.  I didn't eat all day to leave room to splurge, and I ended up meeting my caloric requirement and blowing the fat requirement by 5%.  So not too bad overall.  I'm still scared of the weigh in.  I've been missing my calcium and my water requirements, which is not going to help me in the losing weight department.  But given that I tend to go nuts when off schedule, I think I've done exceptionally well.  And that I'm finding creative ways to exercise, even better.

I'm going to focus on the good.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I pamper myself by treating my body well, not splurging on the bad.

Calories: 1845 / 35%
Sodium: 2763mg (REALLY proud of this)
Calcium: 600mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: walked 1.5 miles

RED means I didn't meet goal
*Projected

Survived an 11 Hour Workday

Yesterday was a bear. 

I spent 11 hours sitting in my chair working at my computer.  By the end of the night I was a version of Steve Martin ala Planes, Trains & Automobiles, only instead of ripping fingers from a dashboard that <shlup, shlup> was extracting my butt from this chair.

Suffice it to say a job that normally takes me 2 hours took me 7 thanks to a handy dandy mistake I didn't learn was made on 900 auctions until AFTER they had been listed.  I make my living from ebay, selling celebrity photos with my sister.  Several weeks back we had a problem with our photo hosting and about 1900 auctions went down without a photo.  So brilliant me, I discovered that my listing program, Turbo Lister (also known as the Anti-Christ) could import these auctions.  How convenient, I thought.  I can just relist them for Memorial Day weekend, all I'd have to do is change the background design. 

Wrong.

I ended up having to change several things in the auctions because when it imported directly from Ebay, Ebay took some liberties to change our standard format.  Instead of having International shipping checked, it changed it to US Only.  And, unbeknownst to me, it changed the photo hosting from our website to the Ebay hosting.  Which would have been okay if Ebay's photo hosting incorporated the number we assign each photo.  But it didn't.  And without that number, we cannot process our orders.  When you deal with thousands of images per week, there's no way to "eyeball" them.

Which is what I thought I'd have to do to ID them - going through 1000 photos to find out the missing photo numbers from the auctions that went down on Sunday night.  It would have taken me 12 hours at least to ID them all.  Thankfully Steven got my brain working again and I figured out a shortcut, and I only spent 5 hours researching those missing numbers.

It was still a big ol mess, and by the time I was done with my regular Monday duties I wanted a bed and nothing else.

How this figures into the weight loss journey is I didn't get exercise (no zoo, no mile long walk) and I was so frustrated that I wanted to eat.  I made a German chocolate cake for my cousin and it sat in my kitchen calling out to me.  "Eeeeeeaaat meeeee.  You'll feeeeel betterrrrrr." 

So I blew my total calories yesterday.  Tonight we're having another bbq at my sister's house.  I'm going to aspire to keep the calories under control, but there's just no tellin. 

And it figures, because my 11th update is coming up with another weigh in.  I'm scared.  I was doing so well too.

All I have to get through is today.  And thankfully, there's no 11 hour workday to help complicate things.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm not a failure because I didn't make it, I'm a success because I tried.

Calories: 2002 / 30%
Sodium: 2877mg
Calcium: 812mg
Water: 57oz
Exercise: None

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

Pilates

Suzanne asked me on yesterday's journal to give a little bit more information on Pilates. 

I can tell you what I know, as I have never really researched it per se.  This is just my experience with it.  I started the program I'm on because it came with the balance ball.  According to the box, Pilates can be done by just about anyone regardless of age or condition, so I gave it a shot.

The reason I wanted the balance ball is because I have a really sensitive lower back.  I can't do standard situps because my lower back right above my tailbone is so tender no one can even touch it.  So laying on a hard floor and then sitting up to touch my elbows to my knees?  Forget it.

I thought if I am on the balance ball I can do those types of exercises with minimal impact.  From what I've seen of it anyway.

Anyway I went to Target and browsed what they had, they had a complete set (hand weights and balance ball) for $30, which I considered a pretty good deal.  I bought it and I tried it. 

The thing that struck me about this tape was the beginner exercises did not seem to involve much effort (i.e. pain) on my part.  I really, for the first couple of weeks I did it, wondered if it was doing any good.  My sister was the one who noticed the change, saying it looked like my stomach was melting away.  This is a very good thing.

The trick is learning to balance on the ball.  I was over 300lbs when I started this program and I was scared to death of busting the ball.  I never could find a weight limit on them.  Steven and the boys all tried to use this ball, but they would roll off.  I never did, and I think that's where the exercise comes in at, you have to use your "core" muscles to balance.  (Core meaning your abs and the muscles around your spine).

But it's all basic stuff.  The hardest part is the The Bridge series.  It's supposed to work your hamstrings and your glutes.  You lay on your back with your feet on the ball, then, using your feet to brace on the ball, you lift yourself until you're laying only on your shoulder area.  The Bridge requires you to do small lifts while you're balanced like that.  The Rolling Bridge requires you send your feet out on the ball while keeping your spine perfectly straight.  I have been doing this program since, what? December?  And I *just this week* was able to do both fully. 

I started doing the advanced exercises pretty quick into it, and that you can feel.  But since it's a 30 minute workout with no exercise going over ten reps a piece, it's not too bad.  In fact I'm thinking about getting another tape to mix things up.  I want to try some resistance bands as well, and I found another thing at target that involves a hand ball filled with water. 

Here's what I work out with currently: Reebok Pilates Core Strength Kit

And here's a link on the history of Pilates: Pilates equipment, videos and information from Balanced Body.

I've been doing it for about six months I guess, and I do feel stronger.  My arms have more definition, even my back pain has lessened.  I can even do the reverse crunch - where I lay on my back, hook the ball under my knees and bring my knees toward my chest.  My knees keep getting progressively closer to my chest because of inches lost.  I've lost 39" since December from five major measuring points. 

I haven't done it since my company has been here.  I still haven't been delivered of doing exercises in front of people.  So no gym for me still.  I look to get back into it by Wednesday. 

Meanwhile I'm going to take Jen to the zoo today, and that's a mile long trek.  I'm finding ways to exercise anyway. 

We had a barbeque yesterday and I was really good.  Below are the stats for yesterday.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I live with food, not for food.

Calories: 1789 / 27%
Sodium: 2250mg
Calcium: 1020mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

Life is Bittersweet

First off, the good news.  I'm down another three inches.  I don't know WHY I put off Pilates for so long.  It works like nothing I've ever seen.

We're having a great time with our company, but it's also bittersweet.  Jay, my cousin, was the best friend to Dan, my former husband.  With him here, it's impossible not to think or reflect on who's not.  I didn't realize it affected me so much until this morning, so I thought I had better address it before I feed it.

Jennifer, Jay's girlfriend/fiance, and I walked over to the grocery store (got in a mile and a half woo hoo!), and as we were turning down one aisle I caught a glimpse of a man with a long blonde braid, a doo rag and military fatigues.  For a moment, my heart skipped a beat.  For a very slight moment, the reality that it couldn't be Dan didn't even enter my mind.  For one brief and shining moment - the world was right again.

Because the world just hasn't been right without him.  It's just not.  Without taking anything away from Steven at all, I can truthfully say how much I loved/love Daniel.  He was more than a former spouse, he was a part of our family.  I knew that no matter where I went or what I did, he would always be there for me (and vice versa).  Now he's not here in the physical sense, and life just doesn't seem the same.

I really feel like I lost part of myself when he died.  He was so much a part of my life for so many years.  For better or worse.  But now the "worse" times don't seem so awful.  I mean, I know the bad times were bad.  But the good times we had toward the end made up for it.  I just feel so grateful to have known him.

And maybe it seems like I'm putting him up on some pedastal now, and that might be true.  I don't know what else to do, really.  I feel like a heel that he may not have known how much he was loved when he was here.

But life is too short for regret.  I just have to have faith if he didn't know, he knows now. 

Anyway it's off to church.  Everyone have a blessed day.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am blessed, and I am a blessing.

Calories: 1851 / 20%
Sodium: 2309mg
Calcium: 797mg
Water: 92oz
Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

A Creature of Habit

Okay, I'll fully admit that I'm a creature of habit.  I like things to keep on a certain structured program.  If it doesn't I'm more likely to make decisions I wouldn't normally make.

Like I said in my earlier entry we have company staying with us pretty much until Wednesday.  I went over on my calories today (even though my grocery budget was pretty concise in what I could eat to maintain my current caloric requirements) and the exercise is looking iffy.

Since Steven works overnight I'm letting my company stay in our room, which means I'm delagated to the living room.  This is okay by me because I should be able to get some private time to do the exercises, which are conveniently located in the front room.

Food wise though, I'm still learning to separate eating from celebrating.  It's like, woo woo, good times, good friends - let's eat!  So I still have a little bit to go on that.  It wouldn't have been so bad but I was done in by the Crazy Bread.  Had I not put ranch dressing (Texas Ketchup for those of you who were unaware) with the bread, I'd have been okay.

Baby steps, I guess.  Baby steps.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Each day is another step toward where I want to be, even if that day I'm not where I need to be.

Calories: 1970 / 28% fat
Sodium: 3331mg
Calcium: 1191mg
Water: 48mg
Exercise:  waiting for the room to clear...

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

God Works in Mysterious Ways

To make a long story short we are having a family reunion of sorts as God repairs a relationship between my cousin and his fiance.  They thought they were through but God had other plans :)

That's us in the photo, waiting for my cousin to make it from CA. 

Needless to say we are busy with company and preparations.

Goals were ehh today, especially exercise.  If I don't do it right away anymore, I just don't do it.  I also spaced out on the sodium BIG time.  I also didn't get enough water.  But, tomorrow is another day. 

I had a "thin" day and weighed in at 284.  Yeah, yeah I know.  Stop weighing in so much. 

I'll do my best :)  I can't promise nuffin as long as the scale is being nice to me.  I just don't weigh in when it's not LOL

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am an instrument of God's master plan, not just in my life, but in the lives of others.

Calories: 1819 / 13% fat
Sodium: 4341mg (eeek)
Calcium: 1328mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

A Confession...

I did a boo boo yesterday and my totals showed it.  I was so proud of the fact I was kicking the emotional eating habit, and yesterday proved that it's really too easy to fall back into old habits.

I created this journal to deal with the issues that I used to stuff down with food, and I really dropped the ball in this last week.  I was going through something but I didn't want to put it on the journal because it was going to change everything, right down to my weight loss journey itself.

Basically, I thought I was pregnant.  I hadn't had a certain monthly visit from my least favorite Aunt since April.  I wasn't too worried about it because I missed the last week of my pills and just started again when I was supposed to take the new package, even though I didn't have that monthly occurance.  A week went past, I just chalked it up to the hormonal imbalance.  Two weeks, I still was just assuming that it was because of that one messed up week.  By week three, I realized I was really feeling tired and emotional for a lot longer than PMS usually lasts for me.

So last week I took a test and a very faint line came up.  I mean very faint.  So we still kinda just were playing wait and see.  Even though we weren't trying to get pregnant, and even taking steps to avoid getting pregnant, I have wanted a baby for a really long time.  Steven and I spent a lot of time between 2000 and 2003 trying to get pregnant, and my infertility (which I attribute to the weight, because I used to be so fertile I could think about sex and get pregnant) was a source of great frustration and even greater heartbreak.  So any time God chooses to bless us with a child, I'm going to be very excited.  It would sideline the weight loss goals in the sense I wouldn't be actively trying to lose weight, but I already decided that the ultimate goal would then be to take as good care of my diet and fitness as possible for the baby's sake.

For about a week I got excited, I started the planning stage, because I just *knew* I was pregnant.  A lot of weird coincidental stuff happened that had me convinced it was a done deal.  And I was excited.

But yesterday I got one of those Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy tests, that tell you results in words and not lines so there's no doubt.  It confirmed I wasn't pregnant.

The first thing I did was I immediately went into denial.  Well this is the best thing, I'm not where I need to be and I really don't want to take 9 months off of the journey when I've done so well.  We're not financially ready either, it's really best.

Tell that to my heart.  It was fully prepared to welcome a new little baby into the world in a few months.

So I didn't share this with any of you.  I stuffed it all inward.  Steven was closed off and cautious, he doesn't open up in regards to these things as a defense mechanism.  It's the absolute last thing I need, though.  Because I feel like I deal with this alone really.  I used to belong to an online infertility board and I could tell that's universal.  Men just can't understand what we go through with this. 

And because being pregnant felt, to me, like a huge step backward in the weight loss I didn't want to admit it here.  Instead it got stuffed down.

I ate too much, I didn't exercise, I totally babied myself yesterday to make up for the deprivation.  That's what I do.  Something bad happens and the last thing I can do is demand anything of myself.  I let myself off the hook on everything.  That's what happened yesterday.

I didn't far off course, I don't mean to beat myself up for yesterday over a few measly calories.  The problem that requires confronting is the fact I did fall so easily back into those bad behaviors.  But I'm going to take Jesse's advice:  Admit it, quit it and forget it.  I was selfish, I recognized it and I will let it go.

But I did feel like I needed to address it here.  This is an integral part of the weight loss journey for me.  Not dealing with emotions, stuffing them down, hiding things and then overeating to compensate - that's what got me in the shape I'm in.

So NO MORE.

I'll have a child on God's timetable, not mine.  In the meantime I'm going to respect this body that God gave me, making it as healthy a temple for Him as possible.  When He's ready, He'll utilize it as a home for the next baby.

The answer to my prayer for a child isn't no.  Just not now.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Each day I'm one step closer to the person I know I can become.

Calories: 1845 / 27% fat
Sodium: 2579mg
Calcium: 1229mg
Water: 48oz and counting
Exercise: Rode bike 30 mins, Pilates

RED means I went over goal
* Projected 

First of the Month Update

As you may know, last month I started using photos to update progress while in "workout" gear.  Meaning I'm in shorts and a tank top.  I have to be honest here and tell you of all the stuff I do, this is the hardest.  Looking at these photos, and especially putting these photos online, literally make me cringe.  BUT.  I think as time goes on I'll be able to see the difference and be glad I did it, much like the other photo update I do on the 20th of every month.

This is month #2 of this new photo installment, so the changes are small.  I'm going to grit my teeth and do this anyway.  It doesn't help I've gained a pound since last weigh in.  Just for the record, you can't have your pie and eat it too. 

For the month the total is 4lbs and 9 inches lost, so I'm pretty proud of that.  Now that I've gotten back on the exercise horse, I anticipate seeing a bigger change next month.  As always I see the biggest difference in the side view.  If you use the view larger option on the photos, you can see them side by side.

As for the day I guess I'm going through PMS because I've wanted to scarf all day.  I mean I really want to pig out.  I'm really using my self control today.

And speaking of self control we're going to go over that in this coming week.  I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and she was talking about selfishness.  The ministry of Me Me Me.  We are so focused inward we barely register what is going on outside of us.  We stop short of doing God's will for our lives because we're too worried about OUR needs or OUR feelings.  Well I almost didn't even watch because I figured, this doesn't apply to me.  I'm not a selfish person. 

But as the sermon went on I realized something.  Being overweight is a form of selfishness.  It's a state of being focused on MY needs and MY feelings.  I ate to medicate, without regard to my responsibilities as a parent, to stick around and do my job until they're grown.  I shrugged off exercise because it's uncomfortable, it's time consuming, it takes me away from what I really wanted to do.  I wanted to sit my ever widening tuckus in a chair in front of my computer rather than spend a measly thirty minutes out in the sun, getting some exercise.

Not to mention I used my weight to get out of doing stuff.  When I could have been out enjoying life with my family I was hiding in my house.  Because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt or feel the condemnation that comes hand in hand with obesity.  I certainly wasn't thinking about my kids or my husband.  No, I was all focused inward.

And it didn't get me anywhere, as the pictures above can attest to.  Though I'm emerging slowly but surely, most of what you see there is a wall to keep the outside out and me in.  I was being selfish. 

Dr. Phil says you can't change what you don't acknowledge.  So I acknowledge the fact I spent too many years being selfish and self centered.  I let my feelings of deprivation and entitlement rob my family of living life to the fullest.  Furthermore, I repent.  Which means to turn away from.  This is more than an apology, this is a change of course.  I married Steven, but never put it in my daily focus how I could make *his* life better.  I had children but never really put it in my daily focus how I could make *them* happier.  I am a Christian, but I never really made it a habit of doing something each day to even make God happy.  The minute any of their needs encroached on my needs, guess whose needs won?

I've been stingy with myself.  With my time.  I may provide for my family, I may support my family, but when it comes to giving of myself, I shut down.  It was too scary to give anything of myself because I was too afraid that I wouldn't get it back.  I never wanted to be used.  Subsequently, I ended up the user.  I turned to food when I should have turned to God.  Had a rapturous love affair with food when I should have been romancing my husband.  Nurtured my own wounded spirit, stuffing it down with comfort food instead of nurturing my children.

It was a total ministry of Me Me Me. 

This is in no way to beat myself up.  There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  I've repented it, God's forgiven it and that settles it.  Now I know better and I can - scratch that - WILL do better. 

And it starts now, with paying attention to my husband who wants to spend some special time together because both our kids are gone.  Who says selflessness has to be a bad thing?  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm sculpting a beautiful and healthy body. 

Calories: 1976 / 26% fat
Sodium: 3996mg (eek!)
Calcium: 1333mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected