Sick, Sick, Sick

The boys gave me their back to school colds.

Note, when I was eating right and exercising I was less likely to get sick.

Methinks that's the lesson in all this.

 

Simplifying Things

I think part of my problem has always been overscheduling life.  Free time is not my friend, simply because there's no where to run from it.  If there are problems to be dealt with, they'll sneak up on you if you're not doing anything else.

So I overschedule my life and make things so complicated that, big surprise, I feel the need to "indulge" myself as a reward.

It's an endless cycle.

Therefore the first order of business is simplifying my life a little bit.  I've dropped the college courses, for one.  I'm working less hours for two, and that's just going to have to be okay.  Steven makes enough money that I can slow down a bit and start concentrating on other things.  Things that are equally important as money. 

Running the household, for one.  With Steven working ten hour days, six days a week, I need to invest more in keeping the house clean and preparing meals rather than just spending money we don't need to spend eating out.

That means I get to be a part time housewife.  I think that physically organizing the house will do a lot to affect my mood.  I cleaned up a bit the other day and it seemed to help a lot. 

I've also decided that with this next grocery bill I'm going to simplify my diet as well.  No more processed stuff.  I'll have time now to prepare healthier, fresher foods.  I'm also going to stay away from the white stuff.... overly processed sugars and flours.  Not saying a low carb diet, but just choosing better carbohydrates.  I'll go back to charting what I eat too, and keeping accountable.

Now to the hard part.  The exercise portion of this whole deal.

I'm going to stick with walking the treadmill at the gym, but just one hour a day.  One day a week I'll walk the extra increments needed to meet my 10km goal by October 16.  I also bought a new Pilates tape, so once I get a new balance ball I'll use that for toning. 

Just one step in front of the other.  It's all I can do.

Been a While

I spent a week out of town chasing the American Idol tour and Constantine Maroulis from Grand Prairie, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and finally ended up in Las Vegas.

I met a great gal from online, and that was fun.  We had front row seats in Phoenix and that was fun.  Vegas turned out to be a big mistake, shouldn't have gone, should have taken the loss on the tickets and just cut my losses.

Basically, I got into a big fight with my sister that has left me off center for going on two weeks.  Something was said in anger, and I haven't been able to let go of it.

I'm sorting it through.  It has everything to do with some built up resentment in regards to how I was treated when I was younger.

I realized... I'm angry.

I'm really angry that my mother and my sister isolated me and made me feel alone and worthless after my dad died.  I didn't deserve it.  I was a kid who was hurting, and instead of getting nurturing and love I got their anger at my dad directed at me. 

And quite frankly, it pisses me off.

Worse, I have spent the better part of my life since I was 11 trying to gain their approval only to find out - you know what?  I may never get it. 

I can't make up who I was born for, nor should I.  I no longer apologize who I was born from or of or for.  I'm a good person, and I've been damn good to my family even when THEY didn't deserve it.

But last week was a bugger trying to sort it out.  I went through SUCH a period of worthlessness.  Dark thoughts were my only companion.

It didn't help that a recurring problem with Steven reared it's ugly head and marred our anniversary.  That it came right on the heels of the problem with my sister was just icing on the cake.  I felt so utterly insignificant to the two people I'm closest to. 

Needless to say, the last ten days have sucked big time.

But, out of the ashes, I decided one very important thing.

In this world I only have control over one person and that's me.  I can't make anyone else love me or respect me - they either do or they don't.  I'm no longer going to make myself nuts trying to be everything to everyone.

And that starts with the people I'm closest to.  I think this whole event, while vile and distasteful and basically one of the darkest valleys I've experienced during this whole journey, finally cured me of my need to please.

I'm me and that's good enough.  I don't need to do one damn thing to get treated with respect.  And if people can't treat me with respect or trust no matter how I've jumped through hoops to earn it, then that's THEIR loss.  I am done running gauntlet after gauntlet.

And if that means that I end up losing these relationships - then they weren't the right relationships for me anyway. 

I'm tired of being kept down because it makes everyone ELSE feel better.

I'm on this journey.

They'll either join me.  Or they won't.

But that will no longer be what defines my journey.

Or me.

 

Month Update

Well I'm pretty happy with the results.  I wasn't going to weigh in because I had been up 12 hours and of course it wasn't optimum to weigh, but I ended up weighing in at 294, which is a 2lb loss since the last time I weighed two weeks ago, bringing my total for the month (if we count that 5lb spike) 12lbs lost.  (Or 7, if you don't count the 5lbs, which is still fine by me).

Measurement wise I lost 7".  Not a lot, but I'm officially size 24 again. 

I'm up to 3 miles at the gym now.  I'm feeling the burn now.  This is pushing myself beyond what I think I can do. 

I'm also going to try and eat more frequently, kinda like Jorge Cruises' 3 hour diet.  I believe that as long as you're never famished, you won't gorge.  And it seems to work for me. 

I don't have a calorie requirement per se.  I'm trying to get around 2000, simply because I work off 600 calories just on the walk alone.  Fuel the body so it can meet the demands I'm putting on it, but still create a deficit to promote weight loss.

I also think I'm going to try and eat more naturally.  Instead of packaged food, try to grill some meat and eat some vegetables instead.  May do a stir fry or something for lunch.  I'll put that plan in motion as soon as I get the kids off in school. 

Anyway, them's the facts.  I feel it was a productive month.  A good start. 

I feel good... especially about the 2lb weight loss because that late in the day I wasn't expecting to see any loss at all. 

It was a nice surprise. 

Can't wait to see what next month brings :)

 

Important changes.

No, not my hair, but I'm really pleased with that too.  I've found that when I get my hair done and feel more attractive, it seems to lift me out of any funk and get me back on track.

I'm such a shallow girlie girl sometimes.

No, the changes come from just realizing how old I'm getting.

I don't mean to sound dramatic.  I know I'm not *old*.  But I'm approaching 36 this year and it's time I start getting serious about the things I want in life.  I've played around enough, it's time to start getting serious.

The fact is, I've spent my whole life waiting.  Waiting to have money.  Waiting to be thin.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And it sucks.

Because time slips by a little too quickly for my taste.  I look at Timothy who starts high school in a week, who is becoming his own man, making his own decisions... and I just realize that just like that - almost sixteen years have passed.

So if I want stuff, I better start a goal plan.  I don't know what the heck I'm waiting on anymore, but I do know it's not coming on its own.

We tried to get a house, but it didn't work out.  Turns out our credit is a bit worse than what we thought.  Apparently there were some unexpected bills that showed up, and we're going to have to fix this stuff before we can get financed for a home.  That was the bad news - it puts off our getting into a house another year.

The good news is, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and came up with a gameplan which means in a year (or less) we'll be in the position to apply for a loan and get it.

I stopped waiting on trying to sell my writing, and that's working out all right at the moment.  I'm taking opportunities and on the ball as far as that goes.  My continuing mantra - I will sell a script this year.  I will sell a script this year.  Damn it.  I will!

I watched the Intimate Portrait on Karen Duffylast night and she said, "You become what you think about the most."  Basically saying if you think you're worthless, that's what you become.  But if you think you are talented, worthy and capable, then THAT is what you become.

I thought, how powerful is that?!  So I'm empowering myself to become a successful in all the areas of my life I desire success.

Which brings us to another very important issue.

I haven't wanted to bring it up, cuz frankly I feel totally weird even considering it.

Basically.... I want another baby.

I've wanted another baby for a while, but Steven and I have been unable to conceive.  So I fixate on it then I forget about it, then fixate on it, then forget about it.  I haven't really considered it since I started my weight loss journey because I thought being my size was a liability - and everyone would judge me as selfish or foolish for even considering it.

But like I said, I'm approaching 36.  There may NOT be enough time for me to get thin.  Perhaps the best I can hope for is being as healthy as I can be, at whatever size I am.  I've been on this journey going on 2 years this September and for one reason or the other I haven't been as successful as I've wanted to be.  What if it's two more years after that?  Or two after that?  I really don't want to be 40 and having a baby, which, even if I lost weight, comes with its own complications.

I talked it over with my mother in law, who is an OB-GYN PA, and she assured me that I should still keep on track with nutrition and exercise, but I could absolutely go in and start treatment toward having a baby. 

So I've decided that this is what I want to do.  I'll still keep on track with exercise and food, but I really want to start my journey toward adding another child into our family.  I plan on calling a doctor the beginning of September. 

If all goes well, the baby may just come in time to be in our new house.  It just takes dedication and patience - but action - toward these goals.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated.  I may be foolish or selfish, but I'm just so sick of waiting to live.  If I want to accomplish these things, then I'm going to need to stop hiding behind my fat as an excuse to not do them.

Because I am talented, capable and worthy - and the only true liability I have is thinking otherwise.

I rock. Um hum... Yeah. That's right

I had a rocky start to the week.  I didn't feel 100% so I stayed home from the gym.  Which made me feel worse.

Wednesday I made it to the park instead and walked a mile, but with the humidity I was toast.

Which made me look forward to the gym, so I ended up going on Thursday.

This week marks my 2.5 mile walk, and so by the time I did it on Thursday I knew I had to walk a consistant 2.5 mph so I can get my walk in before the machine cuts out.  Doing random, this was a pretty decent workout.  By 1.6 I was done, emotionally.  I kept thinking of excuses of why I could quit. 

But then I thought to myself that you never know what you're able to do, until you push past what you think you can do.  So I decided I was going to make it to 2.0 miles no matter how wobbly my legs felt.

I mean, if I felt like I was going to collapse I would have stopped, for sure.  But this wasn't that.

By the 2.0 mile mark I felt good enough to keep going and I did.

So I consider this a huge victory.  I wanted to stop, seriously thought about stopping, but kept on going to meet my goal.

I'm learning to do that with shopping to.  It seems like if I just give in mentally to the temptation, then I have an easier time turning it down.

I call it the "Walking Around the Store" theory.

If you see something you want to buy, pick it up, walk around, and "own" it for the moment.  Carry it around the store.  This generally sates the impulse to spend and I am able to put it back and walk out of the store without spending.

This really works for me.  I'm not really deprived, and I'm able to make a wiser decision based not on the impulse but on rational thought. 

So maybe that's what the treadmill thing was about the other day.  But I felt it a personal victory nonetheless.

And today I did it again, this time going up to 3mph in some spots, bracing for next week's 3 mile jaunt.

I was a bit down last week because I didn't lose any inches.  I felt so bloated and gross for the entire weekend and into the beginning of the week it just had me down in the dumps. 

I gotta keep reminding myself that it's not about anything other than meeting those goals, like I did on Thursday.

That's what counts in the end.

In other news, I am now an official member of the Zero 1 street team.

Zero 1 is a rock band fronted by Hal Sparks and they have really great music.  My part is to introduce all of you to them.

If you check out my profile page on myspace, I have one of my favorite songs they have "She Waits" - with lyrics:

 http://www.myspace.com/allgingerallthetime

or you can go to their myspace music page to sample other songs:

 http://www.myspace.com/zero1band 

or you can check out their old myspace music page under their old name:

 http://www.myspace.com/thehalsparksband

where you'll find "On Living Dead", which actually inspired a lot of my work on my last screenplay.  It's another favorite.

Now go listen. 

And enjoy :)