Yeah so I cheated.

I couldn't resist the scale.

I weighed in.

At 296.

That's a ten pound loss from two weeks ago Saturday.

And this is on the gym scale, which typically weighs me in several pounds heavier than the GNC scale.

Will I hit 291 by August 1, my "official" weigh in?

Only time will tell.

And even if I don't, I know I'll be walking 2.5 miles by August 1 and that's more important.

 

Up to 2 miles now

After a rocky weekend of fending off some kind of fluey type migraine induced yuckiness, I was back at the gym by Tuesday. 

I'm not keeping an eagle eye on my food, but I am not overdoing it either.  I know when I'm overdoing it.  You know when you've overeaten because your body will let you know.  It doesn't like it, and you feel gross.

So even when we go to Green Jeans, our local salad bar, I'm eating smaller portions just because I don't like that gross feeling.

I'm only eating when I'm hungry, and keeping my portion sizes and calorie counts under control.

I've also put a lid on my Diet Dr. Pepper obsession, figuring it was one of the main culprits for my Migraine-o-Rama over the weekend.  I've weaned down to two a day, and I'm going to buy caffeine free next time I buy any at all.

It's just life, you know?

I'm not obsessing about the journey, I'm just living.  Living aware, I guess you could say.

I've also reached a new level in my screenwriting career.  I'm now "optioned", which means a producer likes my stuff enough to enter into a contract with me that he's the only one who can work with the script for a year.  Director Guy worked with me to find an amicable agreement and we faxed over the contract the other day. 

It's progress.

And better yet, we've passed another hurdle that one of the finance people read the script and likes it.  Director Guy says that there are several hurdles more hurdles to pass, but we're in pretty good shape right now.

I'm feeling pretty positive about life.

Especially when my AIDS Walk Donation page shows I'm one-tenth of the way to my financial goal.

Thanks to Jeannie Burgess (my longtime friend) and Judy Rachal, I'm now up to $100.  So thank you very much!!  I appreciate all your support.  :)

If anyone elseis curious how to sponsor me for the October AIDS Walk, you can donate here:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - Donate to Ginger Voight

As you can see I've changed the title/description of my journal again, just because I'm so psyched that I can make an attainable goal.  If I aspire to lose ten pounds, then I'm at the mercy of the scale - which in my case has not always been so merciful.  I just have no control over how much weight I lose or where.

What I do have control over, is how many miles I walk or how much activity I get.  And the payoff is I feel better, my clothes fit better, I'm obviously losing inches.  So it's just a matter of changing perspectives.  I can feel good in the now because I'm meeting the goals I set for myself.  When I walk those two miles on the treadmill, I feel productive and strong and in control.

I like those feelings.

When I wait for the scale to validate me, I feel vulnerable and paranoid.

I hate those feelings.

No sense in beating myself up.  Because I'm doing okay.  :)

Four more inches lost

Today's measurements show another 4" lost.  I'm really excited about this.  So excited, I want to go weigh in. 

I have to admit this... I'm a weigh in junkie.

I didn't make it to the gym today because of another stupid migraine.  I have to ditch the caffeine, that's all there is to it.  I've been hooked on Diet Dr. Peppers lately and they're kicking my butt.

So I have to make it to the gym tomorrow to get my fifth day in walking 1.5 miles per day. 

I really feel like I get a significant workout, even though I've ditched everything but the walking.  I don't ride the bike, I don't work out on the weights.  I haven't even been doing the crunches lately.  I'm on that treadmill for at least 35-40 mins using the "random" program that gives me hills and what-not, so I'm sweating like a pig when I get off of that thing.  It burns at least 300 calories a shot.

And next week I go a half mile longer. 

So I've decided that is a good enough workout.  I don't need to overextend myself and tire myself out because then it will be even harder to go workout the next day. 

I have a new Pilates routine when I'm ready for it, and that will replace the weights for a while.

Right now I just want to get conditioned for that 6.2 mile - and let the chips fall where they may.

Meanwhile I'm going to let myself fall where I may because I'm in agony. 

:(

Keep on truckin

I know I haven't been as faithful to my journal as I used to be, but rest assured.  I'm right on schedule.  I've been doing 1.5 miles at the gym since Tuesday.  I took Sunday and Monday off from exercise.

I also decided to lay off of the weight training for the moment.  Instead I bought a new Pilates DVD to help sculpt and tone.  That worked out well before without hendering the weigh in so much. 

Plus I'm a huge believer in Pilates.  It really does make a tremendous difference with minimal effort. 

So I figure I'll get on track with the toning in the next few days.  Right now I'm getting acclimated to the 1.5 miles. 

I set the treadmill at random so I get more of a workout.  I alternate the speeds and the treadmill alternates the incline, so I really feel like I'm doing something effective.

I have to say I'm really excited about all this.  It's just what I needed to shift my perspective.  Before it was more of how I looked or what I weighed or my size.  Now it's about physical stamina.  I want to be able to walk that 6.2 miles.  This is more than just about a diet (which I haven't really done all that well on this past week, I haven't been overeating but I haven't been getting in the calorie window I wanted).

This is about proving to myself that I can do something that is a personal challenge.

I'm excited about the cause.  I'm excited about the ladies I'll be meeting and spending time with.  These are good people, with good hearts.  I'm excited to see how much money I can raise.

Hint, hint.

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - Donate to Ginger Voight

For the first time in a long time I feel in control.  I feel productive and strong.

It's not easy to go to the gym and get that walk in.  But I go.  And it's good.

It's amazing what having a goal I have control over can change my whole outlook on things.

Still on track

I haven't checked in but I'm being good - for the most part.  Had an off eating day yesterday.  Lesson learned, I can't do fitday after the fact.  The calories get away from me that way.

It was off by 200 calories, which I guess in the whole scheme of things isn't the end of the world, especially since I was still under what I take in, and still on track to lose weight.

I did have quite the shock yesterday during my "weigh in" process.  I was up a whopping five pounds.  Which, given I've been to the gym all week and been good all week was not a welcome sight.  Especially when I was down three inches.  I figure it was water.

I also figured out that I'm done with the weekly weigh in.  I was going to do it to keep me honest but I felt so unmotivated to go to the gym yesterday after seeing that.

So I'm scrapping that weigh in, and will weigh in again in two weeks instead, when I update the photos.  That way, I'll see a more comprehensive result rather than the fluxuations that occur from week to week.  Instead, my measurements will have to keep me honest.  And that's what matters most anyway, since the numbers on the scale are just that... numbers.

I went back to last year's July photos to this year's July photos, and I can definitely see a marked improvement in body shape.  Yet I was twenty pounds lighter according to the scale. 

So I know that what I'm doing  (eating less, exercising) is what is healthy for my body and will get me into shape.  I don't need to obsess over some numbers most people never see anyway.  I figure it will all come out in the wash anyway.  Eventually my weight will catch up to my measurements.

As of Tuesday my walk requirement bumps up from 1 mile to 1.5 miles.  I'm antsy to get to the next level.  I am really psyched up about the walk in October.  My sister and I even figured out a way we can work out next month when we go see the American Idol tour and are out of town for a week. 

We're motivated. 

So I can honestly say that even if I haven't posted, I'm still doing well - rather than hiding because I'm jumping headlong off the wagon.

It feels good to do what is right and what is healthy again.

Like I'm in control.

I like that feeling.

Dah duh duh da duh da duh da duh duh duh duh

(that's the Rocky theme in case you're wondering)

Guess who made it to the gym today?

My legs are total mush, but I got my first AIDS LA Walk Conditioning Routine in today.  I walked one mile on the treadmill (which, thanks to My Wife & Kids, wasn't *too* boring), then I did 60 crunches, and I started a weight workout on my legs.

I petered out about a third of the way through...

But I started it.  Next time I'll finish it.

I met all my other goals, no problem.

I don't know why I don't do this when I know how good it makes me feel.  I was thinking about that at the gym.  I will go for that emotional comfort (overeating) when the satisfaction I get from it lasts maybe the duration of the time I'm doing it.  Right afterwards and long afterwards I feel like crap.  One, because my body doesn't like it and two, because I know I can do better.

This one dude had a T-shirt that said, "There's nothing more painful than regret.  No Fear!"

He's right.

God, is he right.

Speaking of my AIDS Walk LA, I'd like to thank Jennifer Schaffner for being the first to donate to the cause.  I truly appreciate your support!

To anyone else who wants to sponsor me, here's the link:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - General Donation

I'm on my way now.

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting strong now
won't be long now
getting strong now

Gonna fly now
flying high now
gonna fly...

Fly....

FLYYYYYYYYY....

(I'm inspired.  Are you inspired?)

 

 

I Done Dood It

You all know that I work selling celebrity photos on ebay with my sister.  Well, I bought some photos of Hal Sparks to donate to another Hal fan so that he could sign them, she could auction them and raise money for her various charitable causes.

So today she writes me and tells me that they're going to do the AIDS Walk in LA, and if I had the time and inclination, would I like to go?

It's a 6.2 mile walk.  It's in October.  And it's for charity.

I've often said that God speaks to us in three ways: coincidence, confirmation and the brick.

Methinks this was a brick.

So I signed up.  I'm gonna do it.

What better goal could I have for my health, rather than a stupid number on a scale, than me being able to walk 6.2 miles?

I'm psyched. 

And that it's for such a good cause, even better.

The only variable is getting to LA, but I don't even consider that a problem.  By hook or by crook I'll get there.

The second part of this growth experiment is for me to ask others for help.  I need sponsors.  I set a goal of $1000.  I'm not good asking for help, so this is the hardest part for me. 

So to all you lovely people who want to help sponsor me in this huge endeavor, here's the link:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - General Donation

I figure if a hundred people give me $10, I'll have my goal.

As for my goals today, eh.  I did the eating thing no problem but I've had such a headache all day that the activity was out.

I don't have that luxury anymore... I now have to train to walk 6.2 miles. 

Guess it's time to go hit up Abel at the gym for some money and some training.

I'm going to AIDS Walk LA.

(If you want to join, that's even better.  Details should be on the page.  Let's do this together!!)

"It is what it is."

That was my mantra today.  Not going to beat myself up for going backward, just going to accept the consequences of my actions and know that no matter what it is, it'll be changing.

Ironically I chose the debut of Celebrity Fit Club 2 to renew my own weight loss journey.

So I'm changing the title of the blog to indicate that I'm in the (Almost) Celebrity Fit Club.

Ok so, the pictures are self evident.  I decided to wear a snug fitting T-shirt so the next time I take photos, we'll better see any tiny changes.  I couldn't find one of my Cancun T-shirts so I chose Tweety. 

The good news - I can see that my body composition has changed.  The girth isn't just laying there anymore, it's actually changing and getting some tone and moving upward.  So that means the muscle underneath is doing something, and that's good.

The scale was a lot less forgiving.

It was 301 lbs and 3 oz. 

Not happy to have broken back over that particular barrier, but it's going to be a non issue as of next week. 

It is what it is, but it won't be as of next Saturday. 

Here are the measurements:

Bust: 47"
Waist: 42"
Hips: 49"
Middrift: 44"
Girth: 54"
Thigh: 26"

I'm now a size 26, but just barely.  Again, I expect that to change within a week.

So.

Today I'm up to like 1300 calories.  I'm *aspiring* to 1500 per day, but I'm going to give myself as much as 1700.  I'm on my third 24oz bottle of water.  Doing the fitday thing, took my vitamins, everything is on schedule.

As for activities I got in 6975 steps in so far.  I bought a jumprope a few weeks ago, and so I am going to break that in a little later tonight.  Gonna break that 10,000 step thing one way or the other.

And jumping rope kicks your butt.  I tried it out last night and I think I made it to like nine. 

I can't believe I used to do this as a kid.  I remember even doing that Heart Association marathon in the fifth grade.

Ah well.  Practice makes perfect right?

First Day - On Course.

Feels good.

 

Vacation's over...

I had a lightbulb moment today.  I hadn't had one in a while.  But it nearly blinded me today.

I was laying in Steven's lap, we were cuddling in front of the TV, and right in my line of vision I saw my wedding photos.  I've had some issues with my weight since I saw that photo with Hal.  I look at him and think wow, how cute is he?  Then look at myself and go blech, yucky, no no no. 

Same with the wedding pictures.  Steven - how cute is he?  Ginger... egads... yucky no no no.

And I know it's just my skewered perception - that I look fine.  I just have to accept the way I look.  Everyone I love accepts it, but I'm just so sick that I've not only stopped the progress I was making BUT in fact am going backward.

So I was gazing at those photos, where I'm wearing a size 34 wedding dress - tightly - and I suddenly realized if I don't stop living in denial I'm going to be able to wear that dress again.

And I don't want to wear that dress again.

So, the vacation I was taking from the weight loss is over.  I need to get back on the wagon.

And, truth be told, I don't feel like doing it.

I know what I need to do and I have zero inclination to do it.

So I laid there wondering how I was going to get back on the horse. 

Well the answer is just to do it. 

I went looking through all my photos and I realized that I'm still good - not great, but good.  I just need to get my act together.  Only one person can do it (me) and there's only one way to do it... (just do it). 

And the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog about it because I didn't want it to sound like all the false starts I had before.

But, this is how I kept honest before and this is how I'll be honest again.

Tomorrow - fitday, weigh in, measurements and photos.

I dread it.  I honestly do.

But, it's just going to have to be a new starting place.

I've rested long enough.

The next picture I take with Mr. Sparks - or anyone - is going to be a back on track Ginger.

Not a better Ginger, not a more worthwhile Ginger...

But a healthier one.

This isn't about losing weight so I will be accepted.  This is about taking care of my body so I can live a long life.

I have too much to do to die in my 40s of a massive heart attack.

Obesity is how I show myself I hate myself.

So... the ultimate testament of love I can give myself is taking care of myself.

No more waiting.

Cross Post from Myspace.

 A serious day calls for a serious post.

As of today my oldest son is 18 years old.

Shocked?  I'm not surprised.  Most people are.  I don't often talk of my firstborn simply because I opted to give him up for adoption at birth.

I was seventeen and stupid and my son's father had long since bailed.   According to him, and his mother, he was sterile and couldn't conceive.

All of which I believed until that little white stick turned pink and I was puking my guts up six months in a row. 

Plus that tiny little thing of labor and delivery...

Anyway, at the time I knew I wasn't ready to have a kid.  I was a high school dropout (another story, another time) who didn't have a job or even know how to drive.  So I figured my kid deserved better than growing up with a mom who was still growing up herself - and doing a pretty piss poor job of it too.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  I don't regret it, although I have always missed him.  Especially when I had other children.  Every time they went through a milestone (first words, birthday, walking, first day of school, etc) I always thought of Scott (what I named him, I'm sure they changed it).  How was he?  Was he happy?  What did he look like?  Did he hate me and feel abandoned?  I was so plagued with the "what ifs", and that's when I finally realized that regret is lethal.  You can't change what once was.  You just have to deal with it and move forward, hoping that if nothing else you learned what you needed to learn from that mistake.

Now I just wait.  I wait to see if he ever wants to look me up, to get to know me.   I think about him a lot, but I speak about him far less.  Even though it's not really one of those big dark secret things, everyone in my immediate circle knows about him - including my own kids.  I wasn't gonna blog about it but I figure what the hell.

I'm not ashamed.  It is what it is.  I made the best decision I could make for myself and my child at the time - it was a decision based on love.  Approval from others is neither required or desired. 

And I don't say that to be rude.  I'm in the recovery stages of the terminal Disease to Please.  Hopefully one day soon I'll be in total remission.  Because I've been so worried about what people have thought of me that I've paralyzed myself and it's so futile.  You really can't please all the people all the time.  All I can aspire to do is please myself, but that's been difficult because I'm my own worst critic most of the time.

Case in point, my new profile pic [of Hal Sparks and me].  I love that photo because I have to smile when I see it - it was one of the happiest days of my life.  Right up there with getting married, having kids, and finding sugar free chocolate. 

I guarded my digital camera with my life all the way home.  Then, when I downloaded it I was completely shocked.  I immediately started ripping myself a new one that I just look so fat and yucky.  It was my social anxiety in reverse... I had all the same feelings but in retrospect. 

I wasn't even going to put it up.  I finally did, but I certainly wasn't going to use it as a profile pic.

Finally I just said, to hell with it.  I just keep reminding myself that Hal didn't look at me critically, so why should I criticize myself?  A total stranger found value in me, but here I was tearing my own self down.

It's stupid.

I've come to realize that self esteem isn't a noun... it's a verb.  I'm done hiding under a rock and waiting for someone to give me permission to come out from under it.

I'm out, baby.  I'm out.

Tornadoes, Security Breeches & Hal Sparks

By hook or by crook.

I made this determination a few weeks ago - that I wouldn't let anything stop me from meeting Hal Sparks.

I've let a lot of things hold me back in life doing the things I wanted to do, and I just decided I was tired of living life on the fringes.  I wanted to jump in the pool for once.

And as empowering as this may seem, Fate decided to really test my tenacity.

There was the battle over the money for one.  It should have come in a month ago, giving me a significant cushion to prepare for a trip.  I am the Queen of Planning after all. 

May 30th came and went without a check - and I started to really freak out that I couldn't do this thing I've been planning on doing pretty much all year.  Pretty soon, NYC was out of the question.  It was just too costly for me to go, unless I went by myself.  Which was a little too daunting.

Finally I decided to go to San Francisco instead, the price was much more reasonable than NYC.  Steven and I could both go to SF for the price it would have taken for me to go by myself to NYC.  So Steven arranged time off and we waited on the check to come in.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

As time marched on and the prices for SF reached outrageous levels.  We called to see where the check was and they told us it would come in at the end of June.  This was heartbreaking - I decided that there was no way I could fly out there, even by myself.

But I wanted to.  I really, really wanted to.

Steven, bless his heart, was going to take me on a trip anyway - somewhere I wanted to go, to get my mind off things.

Problem was, there was only one place I wanted to go.

And I couldn't go.

IF I flew.

Last week I decided that Steven had four days off in a row and we'd have the money for a trip - instead of driving to Houston, why not just drive to California?

And that's what we did.

You'd think, after all that, Fate would say, "Well Ginger... it appears you really want to do this.  I support you in your endeavors."

I know I thought that.

We both were wrong.

As we were heading out of Texas on Friday, there was a storm brewing to the south of Lubbock.  It was actually really pretty to watch, and so I thought nothing of it.  Timothy says that he thought he saw a tornado, but my son has his teenage drama king moments and I kinda laughed it off.

UNTIL...

I turned my head and saw a tornado forming.  I don't know if you're aware but tornadoes form from the ground up, that funnel you see is basically debris swirling upward in the wind vortex.  So what I saw was the bottom part of the tornado trying to reach the top part of the tornado.

At one part, it look liked three were trying to form.

It was actually pretty awe inspiring to see it.  We were far enough away so we were safe, and we sat there on the side of the road just watching Mother Nature do her thing.

One thing that crossed my mind was if tornadoes form from the ground like that, what if it happened right over someone?  This tornado was in the forming stages only, and stayed that way for a long time.  How would someone on the ground known that's what it was?

We finally realized that the storm had progressed north enough to be over our heads as well.  We looked up and saw a bubbling effect, which my sister said was bad news.  We decided it was high time to get back on the road... and quickly.

We finally reach Clovis, New Mexico, which is where we stop for a bite to eat.  By the time we exit the restaurant, another storm had begun to move into the area.  We see one patch of beautiful thunderheads, that were pink from the setting sun.  Then we turned the corner to our car and see nothing but ickiness, grey/brown clouds that hung overhead.

As we get into the car I look up and I realize the clouds above us are rotating.  Flashback to my concern about the people on the ground when a tornado forms.  All of a sudden it gets really cold and debris begins to kick up on the ground, spinning upward.  We haul tail to get out of there, this is bad news.

I get around the restaurant and head back onto the street and the wind starts to blow massive amounts of sand and dirt down the street, reducing my visability to zero.  It's marching down the road I'm on in shafts of dense dust, like curtains.  My sister suggests we wait it out, but I just wanted to get us the heck outta there, and I did.

Once onto the street I was dodging things like trash can lids, and the wind was so strong it nearly mowed down a biker couple on their Hog next to us.  It lifted up our car, scaring everyone who had enough estrogen (and sense) to be scared.  Needless to say, I made tracks. 

We finally made it through to clear skies, where a beautiful sunset waited.  That's when the radio chimed in an alert that a tornado was due east of Clovis.

We were due west.

Those people on the ground?

We were them.

It was scary, but we kinda laughed it off that we had a great story now.

We pulled into Las Vegas early Saturday morning.  I had slept probably about four hours at that point.  I did most of the driving because I was bound and determined to make this thing happen.

We had a 2:00pm plane out of Vegas to San Francisco.  I realized during the week that I couldn't drive all the way to SF but I could stop somewhere closer and fly in, and that's what I did.  My sister, God love her, went with me.  Not because she's a Hal fan but because she didn't want me to go by myself.  Plus she's always wanted to see San Francisco.

So we made it in time to change and freshen up for the flight in.  We make it to the airport.  We make it through all the usual airport stuff, including a special security screen we were randomly chosen for.  I had never been screened before and I joked with the guy that it was a good thing I only had my purse.  Up to the gate we go, where we have a couple of drinks, play a couple of slots ("Wheel!  of!  Fortune!!").

Then we board. 

Not so fast, Mrs. Voight.

Turns out the screener forgot to stamp my boarding pass and they couldn't clear me to board the plane.  I had to race from the Southwest gates back to the security checkpoint (which, if you're familiar with McCarron, involves a tram).  No, they cannot hold the plane... so hurry.

We race back to the security checkpoint where they wanted me to go in behind everyone else to get re-checked.  I raise enough ruckus because to my knowledge the next plane to SF is at 6pm, which would make me miss Hal's first show.

I didn't come all this way to miss Hal's first show.

So finally they just stamp it and send us back, but by the time we get there the doors have been closed.  No, they can't open them.

So we get bumped to the next flight which, to my relief, was only 45 mins away.

We get to Oakland, we cab to San Franscisco.  We make it to the theater where I'm figuring, the only thing that can go wrong at this point is that the show is sold out.  Fortunately it wasn't.  We buy tickets for both shows.  The dude says, "You're just buying them today?  Where have you been?"  And I say, "Texas."  He was surprised I'd come all that way.

Then we go walking through the neighborhood where the theater sits, to sightsee and to grab a bite to eat.  I love San Francisco, it's got great personality, and my sister felt it too.  By the time 7:15pm rolled around I was starting to get nervous.  We headed back to the club.  We take our seats about midway back.  There's a two drink minimum, and by this time I needed one. 

The show started.  There were three comedians, and Hal was the last one to perform.  I laughed, the other two were pretty funny.  But I was wigging out that soon I'd see this guy I started crushing on three years ago thanks to I Love the 80s.  At last... it was time.

Hal ran out onto the stage and I grabbed my sister's arm like a squealy schoolgirl.  He then proceeded to make me laugh harder than I think I've ever laughed at a comedian, and I enjoy comedians immensely.  The show ran long (no complaints here) so there wasn't time for a meet and greet in between.

Fine by me.

I go back out, stand in line, get new seats and enjoy a rerun of the same show. 

When it was over, Hal came into the audience to meet with everyone and have pictures taken.

So I get in line...

It's do or die.

And I finally decided I didn't come all that way to be scared.

I stood in line watching him interact with his fans.  A more gracious, generous celebrity you'd be hard pressed to find.  He looks as though he really enjoys meeting people.

Finally I'm second in line to a group of ladies.  They chat and laugh with him, and he talks about a movie that they had all seen, makes a joke that I found funny so I laugh.

Our eyes meet.

My heart stops.

Finally they're gone and I'm up.

I stick out my hand and say, "Hi.  I'm Ginger from Myspace." (which is code for, you know.. that weird chick who always loads down your comment page with movie quotes and jokes and weird funny messages."

He enthusiastically responds, "Yeah, hi!"

I told him that I had braved a tornado driving all the way from Texas, he gets this "ohhhh" look on his face, and I tell him I get a hug.  So I lean in, we pose for our photo and then break away.

Then, spontaneously, Hal reaches for another hug and tells me to be careful driving home.  I burst out how much I love him, like the dork I promised myself I wouldn't be.

Then my sister gets a hug, some more things were said but I couldn't tell you what they were.

Finally I leave, and I ask him if I bug him by sending him those messages.  He assures me that I don't.  So I promise I'll keep bugging him then. We both laugh.

I walk out of that theater walking on air.  It was completely worth EVERYTHING.

Where even non celebrity men treat me as though I have the plague... Hal was warm and receptive and loving.

I can't even tell you what it means to me. 

We ended up staying the night in the airport rather than get a room, but other than that the trip back was uneventful.  We spent some time in LA with Steven's family, which was very nice.  Poor Steven hadn't been to visit his grandma since his grandpa passed away, so it was tough on him.

Speaking of Steven I realized something.

I was just as happy to see him when I stepped off the plane in LA as I was to see Hal in San Francisco.  I still get a rush of excitement when I know I'm going to see him.

And I love that is still there in our relationship.

So there you have it- my Holy Grail.

B is definitely for Brave.
B is also for Bold, because I was shaking like a leaf when I reached for Hal's hand, but my sister said I didn't act like a goofball at all.
T is definitely for Tenacious.

The only thing bad, was realizing how fat I still look in the photo with Hal, but I'm just going to have to get over it.  If he didn't look at me like there was anything wrong, why do I need to fixate on it?  Why ruin such a great memory?

But it does strenghten my resolve that the next time I see him (and there will be a next time) that there will be less of me to hug.

The only thing is my weight is no longer a deterrant to keep me from doing anything anymore.

I have just as much right as anyone to do, see, go, live - being thin is not a qualifyer.

Being me is enough.

And God bless Hal for thinking the same.