I had a lightbulb moment today. I hadn't had one in a while. But it nearly blinded me today.
I was laying in Steven's lap, we were cuddling in front of the TV, and right in my line of vision I saw my wedding photos. I've had some issues with my weight since I saw that photo with Hal. I look at him and think wow, how cute is he? Then look at myself and go blech, yucky, no no no.
Same with the wedding pictures. Steven - how cute is he? Ginger... egads... yucky no no no.
And I know it's just my skewered perception - that I look fine. I just have to accept the way I look. Everyone I love accepts it, but I'm just so sick that I've not only stopped the progress I was making BUT in fact am going backward.
So I was gazing at those photos, where I'm wearing a size 34 wedding dress - tightly - and I suddenly realized if I don't stop living in denial I'm going to be able to wear that dress again.
And I don't want to wear that dress again.
So, the vacation I was taking from the weight loss is over. I need to get back on the wagon.
And, truth be told, I don't feel like doing it.
I know what I need to do and I have zero inclination to do it.
So I laid there wondering how I was going to get back on the horse.
Well the answer is just to do it.
I went looking through all my photos and I realized that I'm still good - not great, but good. I just need to get my act together. Only one person can do it (me) and there's only one way to do it... (just do it).
And the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog about it because I didn't want it to sound like all the false starts I had before.
But, this is how I kept honest before and this is how I'll be honest again.
Tomorrow - fitday, weigh in, measurements and photos.
I dread it. I honestly do.
But, it's just going to have to be a new starting place.
I've rested long enough.
The next picture I take with Mr. Sparks - or anyone - is going to be a back on track Ginger.
Not a better Ginger, not a more worthwhile Ginger...
But a healthier one.
This isn't about losing weight so I will be accepted. This is about taking care of my body so I can live a long life.
I have too much to do to die in my 40s of a massive heart attack.
Obesity is how I show myself I hate myself.
So... the ultimate testament of love I can give myself is taking care of myself.
No more waiting.