Sunday, July 10, 2005

Vacation's over...

I had a lightbulb moment today.  I hadn't had one in a while.  But it nearly blinded me today.

I was laying in Steven's lap, we were cuddling in front of the TV, and right in my line of vision I saw my wedding photos.  I've had some issues with my weight since I saw that photo with Hal.  I look at him and think wow, how cute is he?  Then look at myself and go blech, yucky, no no no. 

Same with the wedding pictures.  Steven - how cute is he?  Ginger... egads... yucky no no no.

And I know it's just my skewered perception - that I look fine.  I just have to accept the way I look.  Everyone I love accepts it, but I'm just so sick that I've not only stopped the progress I was making BUT in fact am going backward.

So I was gazing at those photos, where I'm wearing a size 34 wedding dress - tightly - and I suddenly realized if I don't stop living in denial I'm going to be able to wear that dress again.

And I don't want to wear that dress again.

So, the vacation I was taking from the weight loss is over.  I need to get back on the wagon.

And, truth be told, I don't feel like doing it.

I know what I need to do and I have zero inclination to do it.

So I laid there wondering how I was going to get back on the horse. 

Well the answer is just to do it. 

I went looking through all my photos and I realized that I'm still good - not great, but good.  I just need to get my act together.  Only one person can do it (me) and there's only one way to do it... (just do it). 

And the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog about it because I didn't want it to sound like all the false starts I had before.

But, this is how I kept honest before and this is how I'll be honest again.

Tomorrow - fitday, weigh in, measurements and photos.

I dread it.  I honestly do.

But, it's just going to have to be a new starting place.

I've rested long enough.

The next picture I take with Mr. Sparks - or anyone - is going to be a back on track Ginger.

Not a better Ginger, not a more worthwhile Ginger...

But a healthier one.

This isn't about losing weight so I will be accepted.  This is about taking care of my body so I can live a long life.

I have too much to do to die in my 40s of a massive heart attack.

Obesity is how I show myself I hate myself.

So... the ultimate testament of love I can give myself is taking care of myself.

No more waiting.


yakima127 said...

I totally hear ya...JAE

windsbud said...

Me too Ginger.  Today is the day I get back on track Not tomorrow, but today, right now.  I know how to do it, I have done it before.  I lost 100 lbs and have put 50 back on.  I cant stand the way I feel more than the way I look. My back hurtws, my knees hurt.  I get winded walking up a flight of stairs! I want to be fit and healthy again.  My prayers to you and please keep me in yours.  We CAN do this.