Sunday, June 6, 2004

Life is Bittersweet

First off, the good news.  I'm down another three inches.  I don't know WHY I put off Pilates for so long.  It works like nothing I've ever seen.

We're having a great time with our company, but it's also bittersweet.  Jay, my cousin, was the best friend to Dan, my former husband.  With him here, it's impossible not to think or reflect on who's not.  I didn't realize it affected me so much until this morning, so I thought I had better address it before I feed it.

Jennifer, Jay's girlfriend/fiance, and I walked over to the grocery store (got in a mile and a half woo hoo!), and as we were turning down one aisle I caught a glimpse of a man with a long blonde braid, a doo rag and military fatigues.  For a moment, my heart skipped a beat.  For a very slight moment, the reality that it couldn't be Dan didn't even enter my mind.  For one brief and shining moment - the world was right again.

Because the world just hasn't been right without him.  It's just not.  Without taking anything away from Steven at all, I can truthfully say how much I loved/love Daniel.  He was more than a former spouse, he was a part of our family.  I knew that no matter where I went or what I did, he would always be there for me (and vice versa).  Now he's not here in the physical sense, and life just doesn't seem the same.

I really feel like I lost part of myself when he died.  He was so much a part of my life for so many years.  For better or worse.  But now the "worse" times don't seem so awful.  I mean, I know the bad times were bad.  But the good times we had toward the end made up for it.  I just feel so grateful to have known him.

And maybe it seems like I'm putting him up on some pedastal now, and that might be true.  I don't know what else to do, really.  I feel like a heel that he may not have known how much he was loved when he was here.

But life is too short for regret.  I just have to have faith if he didn't know, he knows now. 

Anyway it's off to church.  Everyone have a blessed day.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am blessed, and I am a blessing.

Calories: 1851 / 20%
Sodium: 2309mg
Calcium: 797mg
Water: 92oz
Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

1 comment:

angeleyes12316 said...

I have one question ... any advise/info you can give me on Pilates?  I've never tried it and I saw the wide variaty of videos and I felt lost.  = )

Now, onto the important topic ... I understand how you feel about Dan.  Six years ago my husband died in a car wreack.  Our son was 13 months old and I was two months pregnant with our daughter.  I don't know how I made it through that first year.  I don't know how I made it through the second year.  But I do know how I've made it through the last four years ..... through God's love and stength.  It is so hard sometimes because you hear that special song, smell a familiar scent, etc.  I have also thought I saw Sedley out in the store.  And you do forget for a brief second that it's not possible to see him.  Last summer an old friend of Sedley's came to visit and it was wonderful, but at the same time it was a time of tears.  So, I want to send you a heartfelt hug and tell you I do know how you feel .... not many people really understand how we feel.  I'm available to chat anytime you need to.  Have a blessed day!  ~ Suzanne