Wednesday, June 2, 2004

A Confession...

I did a boo boo yesterday and my totals showed it.  I was so proud of the fact I was kicking the emotional eating habit, and yesterday proved that it's really too easy to fall back into old habits.

I created this journal to deal with the issues that I used to stuff down with food, and I really dropped the ball in this last week.  I was going through something but I didn't want to put it on the journal because it was going to change everything, right down to my weight loss journey itself.

Basically, I thought I was pregnant.  I hadn't had a certain monthly visit from my least favorite Aunt since April.  I wasn't too worried about it because I missed the last week of my pills and just started again when I was supposed to take the new package, even though I didn't have that monthly occurance.  A week went past, I just chalked it up to the hormonal imbalance.  Two weeks, I still was just assuming that it was because of that one messed up week.  By week three, I realized I was really feeling tired and emotional for a lot longer than PMS usually lasts for me.

So last week I took a test and a very faint line came up.  I mean very faint.  So we still kinda just were playing wait and see.  Even though we weren't trying to get pregnant, and even taking steps to avoid getting pregnant, I have wanted a baby for a really long time.  Steven and I spent a lot of time between 2000 and 2003 trying to get pregnant, and my infertility (which I attribute to the weight, because I used to be so fertile I could think about sex and get pregnant) was a source of great frustration and even greater heartbreak.  So any time God chooses to bless us with a child, I'm going to be very excited.  It would sideline the weight loss goals in the sense I wouldn't be actively trying to lose weight, but I already decided that the ultimate goal would then be to take as good care of my diet and fitness as possible for the baby's sake.

For about a week I got excited, I started the planning stage, because I just *knew* I was pregnant.  A lot of weird coincidental stuff happened that had me convinced it was a done deal.  And I was excited.

But yesterday I got one of those Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy tests, that tell you results in words and not lines so there's no doubt.  It confirmed I wasn't pregnant.

The first thing I did was I immediately went into denial.  Well this is the best thing, I'm not where I need to be and I really don't want to take 9 months off of the journey when I've done so well.  We're not financially ready either, it's really best.

Tell that to my heart.  It was fully prepared to welcome a new little baby into the world in a few months.

So I didn't share this with any of you.  I stuffed it all inward.  Steven was closed off and cautious, he doesn't open up in regards to these things as a defense mechanism.  It's the absolute last thing I need, though.  Because I feel like I deal with this alone really.  I used to belong to an online infertility board and I could tell that's universal.  Men just can't understand what we go through with this. 

And because being pregnant felt, to me, like a huge step backward in the weight loss I didn't want to admit it here.  Instead it got stuffed down.

I ate too much, I didn't exercise, I totally babied myself yesterday to make up for the deprivation.  That's what I do.  Something bad happens and the last thing I can do is demand anything of myself.  I let myself off the hook on everything.  That's what happened yesterday.

I didn't far off course, I don't mean to beat myself up for yesterday over a few measly calories.  The problem that requires confronting is the fact I did fall so easily back into those bad behaviors.  But I'm going to take Jesse's advice:  Admit it, quit it and forget it.  I was selfish, I recognized it and I will let it go.

But I did feel like I needed to address it here.  This is an integral part of the weight loss journey for me.  Not dealing with emotions, stuffing them down, hiding things and then overeating to compensate - that's what got me in the shape I'm in.


I'll have a child on God's timetable, not mine.  In the meantime I'm going to respect this body that God gave me, making it as healthy a temple for Him as possible.  When He's ready, He'll utilize it as a home for the next baby.

The answer to my prayer for a child isn't no.  Just not now.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Each day I'm one step closer to the person I know I can become.

Calories: 1845 / 27% fat
Sodium: 2579mg
Calcium: 1229mg
Water: 48oz and counting
Exercise: Rode bike 30 mins, Pilates

RED means I went over goal
* Projected 

1 comment:

ivorygrace7 said...

Wow...that must have been hard.  It makes me sad just to think about it.  :(  I truly know how you felt.  Glad you wrote about it...I think sharing in my journal helps me with a lot of things.