Okay I dunno what's wrong with me. I had a headache the entire weekend and slept the entire weekend and yet today I started dragging around noon and never recovered. I ended up snuggling with Winston in bed (I'd given him a bath and he was shivering cold) and fell asleep AGAIN.
I got up at 7:30pm to be at the gym by 8pm and it just ain't happening. Head aches and I'm just dog tired. As much as I've slept I could easily go back to sleep right now.
So I fought with myself on whether or not to go to the gym. I argued that maybe my not going to the gym is why I'm feeling so lethargic and if I went and worked through it, I'd be fine. Steven suggested I was fighting off a bug because I never sleep this much unless I'm sick or depressed. Well I'm not depressed.
Add all this to cold rainy conditions and you have me reluctant to leave my house for anything, even to go shopping. I decided to stay home, which left me feeling really guilty coming here and reporting I didn't make it to the gym yet again.
Which brings me to the subject of my post tonight. I read somewhere that the word "should" should be obliterated from our vocabularies. I think it was Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
The basis of this is that the word "should" indicates obligation and not true desire. For instance, "I should go to the gym" means I feel obligated to go and if I do not go for whatever reason I will then feel guilty and condemned that I didn't do what I "should" do.
Should is one of those passive words that indicate intention but not action. I used to have a saying, "shoulda, woulda, coulda but didn't." In the end whether you "should" or "should not" do something it's whether or not you did it that counts.
And I've been plagued with a serious case of the shoulds lately.
I should go to church. I should go to the gym. I should save money.
The reality is, I haven't gone to church, I haven't gone to the gym and I haven't saved money.
I've tried to go to church. I've tried to go to the gym. I've tried to save money.
But like Yoda says, "There is do or do not. There is no try."
And having the "should have" thoughts only make me feel like crap about it. Should is ripe for broken promises. Should is ripe for good intentions. And we all know what the road to hell (and obesity) is paved with.
Should invariably implies "I know I need to do A, but I really don't want to."
If we break this down further, my first "should" is the church thing. I haven't gone very frequently since we became members. I cannot answer why. July was a bad month where we were so sick and my back went out, but the truth is we haven't been back much since we got well. At the root of it is the imperfection thing. I know that the church isn't looking down on me for not going regularly, but because I committed to going regularly and haven't I feel like a big ol failure. Therefore I avoid what I cannot succeed at. This is my MO.
In my heart I know that I "should" go, that I'll feel better if I just get back into the routine, and that all my excuses for going are just that - excuses. But in the end, I just don't want to go because of all the guilt and condemnation that comes from knowing I should go and failing to meet that obligation.
God shouldn't be an obligation. I should want to go. I need to recapture that fire.
As for the gym that's really a matter of feeling crappy. I love going to the gym, as evidenced by all my previous entries. I do worry that the more time that passes without me going will make it that much harder to go back, but I really do want to go still. I enjoy the high I get from working out and the energy it gave me. I'm not bailing on the gym, no how no way.
And the money part is a little easier to handle after I discussed it the other day. Knowing what drives the behavior makes it easier to change. I can realistically look at the rest of the year and see where my money needs to go, I can make plans for appropriate spending and limit myself to that budget. That way, like my dietary guidelines, I don't feel deprived and more inclined to follow it.
On one of the message boards I read, I think it was the one for the TV show Lost, someone said that Life is like a movie. Only you get to choose the genre. I find that profound. And true. When I started this journal I made the conscious decision to become the hero in my own hero's journey. I have a goal. It's going to take a lot of hard work and personal strength to get to that goal and in doing so it's much like Rocky winning the battle against Apollo or Luke Skywalker against Darth Vader. I'm testing how strong I really am and finally conquoring the enemy, in my case obesity.
The one thing I've learned writing screenplays is that an audience expects the hero to be proactive. They can't just sit back and let life happen, they have to happen to life. What that means for me is dumping the "shoulds" and just doing. If I do it, great, if I don't do it great, I'm not going to waste one more moment feeling guilty I'm not being perfect.
Because that's all the "shoulds" come down to anyway.
Tip of the Day. HOLIDAY STRATEGY, PART II. Yesterday we talked about plans, but there will be instances when you won't be able to pre-plan. In those cases you will have to plan on the spot. If you're at a family get together, scope the entire spread before you make your choices, that way you can make provisions on what goodie you'd most like to indulge.
Sat. Fat: 8%
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I take full responsibilities for the choices I make, and the consequences that come from it.