I sent this journal to a friend of mine who sent a response stating, "How wonderful to hear from you, and to hear that you are on a mission to have a "New You!" (Not that there was anything wrong with the old you!)". I meditated on this all day.
I look at my photos or my reflection and I have a really hard time accepting that I'm okay as is. To me, all the weight is the ultimate signal of my complete failure. As long as I'm bound by all this weight, I feel like my rights are limited; to be happy, to be loved, to have a future.
I've bought into every stereotype society initiates. I feel like I'm lazy, or selfish, or unnattractive or unworthy. I walk down the street with my head down - not meeting the glances from strangers, avoiding the laughter I hear even when there's complete silence. I'm afraid to put my "real" self forward, afraid of being rejected. I anticipate it, expect it and even understand it - even when I don't impose that same rigid set of expectations on anyone around me.
I don't know how to change this. I tell myself that I'm beautiful or good or worthy, but it hasn't made it from my head to my heart yet.
So I vow today to work on this. To accept myself as is. To be comfortable with myself even if I don't weigh 145lbs yet. Otherwise I'm going to sink into a pit of self loathing that will only sabotage my efforts.
Toward this end, I'm going to include one of Richard's motivators from the Foodmover in each and every entry. I'm going to deliver myself from thinking that this is conceited. It's a necessary internal dialogue I need to foster in order to raise the self esteem while I work on my body image.
Because there isn't anything wrong with the Me I am now. That's what makes her so worth the hard work and dedication it takes to make her healthy enough to be around for many years to come.
Exercise - 9070 steps (getting closer to that 10,000 goal by the day!)
RS Motivator: I will say something positive about myself every day. "I'm more than a survivor. I'm a warrior. I don't just survive hardships, I overcome them."
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Self Esteem vs. Body Image
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7 comments:
Dear Gin, (Part One)
Ya know, I found a real friend (when I desperately needed one) almost 7 years ago ... that was you. You were funny, witty, warm hearted, caring, and you helped me through the toughest time of my life. Did I know you in person, no. Did I know you had more weight than you were comfortable with, no. Did I learn to love you, yes.
Dear Gin, (Part Two)
It's the soul that we love. You are doing very well on your program, keep up the excellent work! You are worth it to me for sure! I want you healthy b/c I enjoy your company, even if it's over the Internet!
Your friend always,
Jeannie
Sure wish AOL realized that I have waaaaay more to say than 500 characters on one sheet! LOL!
Hi Gin, sorry I haven been around for a few days, I see I missed alot. I know how hard it is to accept yourself..I am only 10 pounds from my goal weight, and I still dont feel good enough. You have such a good out look on this, you have inspired me to try to accept myself, and feel good enough. You are such a beautiful woman, and an inspration for alot of women..
I prayed this would become part of your journey :) All I felt since the start of your journey that I could offer is encouragement and understanding. This is the first time in our friendship that I have felt useless or helpless to offer anything-but then I realized that hopefully you have known that I have always accepted you as you are without strings or conditions since I have known you-and that somehow that helps. I love you, Jeff
Oh, God I pressed the save button without rereading it! Sugar! I know I might have misspelled something. If you weren't "worthy" at all why would the viewers be here encouraging and taking the journey towards your goal? You have so many people who love you and care for you! Stop being silly! LOL Good luck and stay safe so you can continue your journey.
That's so strange the entry I typed before didn't save!
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