My sister's new house

Inspired by my new surroundings, my sister got motivated to find her a house too.  She outdid herself! :)

My new digs!

I gave you a lot of pics to look at, so I won't talk your ear off this post. 

New Year - Old Goals

New Years is a time for resolutions - which happens to be a huge oxymoron for what they really are.  A resolution should be something you're resolute about, but most of us do it as a token gesture.  We tick off a list as long as our arm about things we'd LIKE to do, but I'm sure by January 15th, our enthusiasm has waned considerably in the face of day to day reality.

My longstanding joke is saying that my only New Years Resolution is not to make any resolutions.  Sure I have things I'd like to address, but life altering changes take up a lot of energy.  Most of us use that energy to remember to write 2004 on our checks instead of 2003. 

My resolution this year is not to lose weight.  I've delivered myself from thinking that far ahead.  All I have to get through is today.  If I can get through today without overeating and managing to do my exercises - that's a successful day.  I'm not going to measure myself by losing all my weight.  I've found this to be counterproductive.  Instead of celebrating the big victories, I'm too consumed with being a failure at my ultimate goal. 

I keep saying this, and I hope that by saying it enough it becomes something I feel instead of just think, but all I need to concentrate on are the daily changes I've made.  The weight will take care of itself.  In its own time, not my own. 

But that doesn't stop me from dreaming, dare I say, planning.  For kicks and giggles I made up an excel sheet about when I can expect to meet my ultimate goal just by losing on average 2lbs a week.  It put me at 145lbs somewhere in August of 2005.  My first thought is how far away that seems, like I'll never get there.  My second thought is, "Oh cool.  I can spend my anniversary in NYC."  and my third thought is, "Hopefully I'll lose it faster than that." 

Patience is a virtue I have yet to acquire.  I'd put it on my list of resolutions, but I've resolutely decided not to make one. 

Whatever your resolutions today, let your New Year's Celebration be a safe and happy one. 

A Time to Refocus

When I can I browse through other journals here on AOL, and both Monica (the Queen Goddess of Weight Loss and #1 Journal Pick for this week), and Kim (Kim's Weight Loss Journey) answered some really important questions that after a not so successful day, I feel the need to readdress.  It's time to refocus back on what's important. 

What do you want?

I want to look, feel and "be" normal.  I don't want people to stare at me like I belong on another planet - or that I AM another planet.  I want to be able to do and see all the things I want to do and see in this world.  I'm tired of the weight miring me down.  I want to be healthy, so that I don't panic with every little nagging pain.  I want to live a long healthy life, and by "live" I do mean LIVE.  No more coasting or watching from the sidelines.

What are you willing to do to achieve it?

I'm willing to alter the course of my life.  I'm willing to say goodbye to emotional eating and comfort foods.  I'm willing to put in the exercise and really make the effort not only to lose weight but to make myself as strong on the outside as I know I am on the inside.  I'm willing to deal with emotional scars I've kept hidden by layers of fat.  Even if that means I'm not always perfect, even if that means I'm not always pleasant, even if that means I have to hurt now to feel better later.

What does this goal mean to you?

It means life.  It means control.  It means integrity.  It means being a grownup, and doing what I know I need to do for a change, instead of just getting by.  It means teaching my children by example, how to be strong, healthy, happy adults free from all bondage. 

It means freedom.

 

 

The Day Was Good, I Was Bad :(

Bright and early this morning we submitted our application for the house I fell in love with yesterday.  All we had to do was wait a couple of hours to get a yes or no, then we could put the money down and sign the lease.

The two hours kept multiplying all day, and about mid afternoon we found out we were one of two couples trying to get approved for the house.  Our credit isn't so great, so I was really worried we were going to get passed over. 

All day long the stress was killing me.  Some people smoke a cigarette, I was popping See's candies.  I only ate three, but still.  Emotional eating.  Not good.

So we went back over to the house to show my sister as we were waiting for the final okay.  By the time we went back to turn in the key and find out if we were approved or rejected, it was way dark.  Good news, we got approved.  Bad news, I missed yet another day at the park.

Then, because my sister is also househunting, we spent most of the night driving to different houses to peak into dark windows and find HER dream house.  We didn't eat dinner or even make it back to the townhome until after 9pm, so I didn't bother with the exercise bike either. 

We ate Wendys, which is okay with their 5 fat gram meal (a baked potato, chili and a salad), I did have a couple of glasses of champagne at the new house.  Altogether I only shaved 800 calories off of my day.  I'm not feeling all that successful.

And to top it all off, my son agitated my cats until they pounced on and subsequently popped my Pilates ball with their claws.

An appropriate metaphor for the day, considering it was a real bust.  :(

Exercise - Nada

Dec. Calories Spent: 35,570 = projected weight loss 10.16lbs

 

Please Don't Feed the Fat Person

What.A.Day. 

Challenge #1 - my son made roast beef sandwiches and brought them to the office, without being asked, just to be kind.  How can you resist this??  But I had to because...

Challenge #2 - My sister offered me a sinful turkey wrap made with cream cheese.  I ate two slices.  I implore you.  If you know a person who is trying to lose weight, please don't offer them bad foods just to be "nice".  Be mean.  I beg you.

Challenge #3 - We ended up going (rental) house hunting this afternoon, and it had to be done by 6pm.  Right now we're in a two bedroom townhome and my children are driving me crazy cooped up in one room.  The house we like is not only 3 bedrooms, but has a two car garage and 1600+ sq ft living space.  Anyway, checking out a couple of houses and then negotiating a move in price meant we were out till it was too late and too dark to walk.

Challenge #4 - I didn't want to exercise.  I was too excited about the house.  I had to force myself to ride the bike.  After all, I had those turkey wrap slices. 

Challenge #5 - I come home to a trashed house.  Thirteen year old + kitchen = disaster.  By the time I was done cleaning it, I didn't have any inclination to cook which left me to my old standby.  Takeout food.  I wanted pizza.  I got a grilled chicken on wheat instead.

Challenge #6 - I didn't want to do Pilates.  At.  All.  My day has taken its toll.  So I forced myself to do it, and here I am.  All I want is a hot bath and a warm bed. 

Exercise: stationary bike 30 mins, Pilates

Dec. calories spent - 34,770 = projected weight loss 9.93lbs

I'm Confuzzled

Not that this is really newsworthy, it happens to me all the time.  But I am a little concerned that the scale hasn't caught up with what I *should* have lost by now.  I know, I know, I've been preaching that I should take the success of the day and let the weight take care of itself.  I do believe that.  But (and here's where Dr. Phil drawls, "When someone says but what they're really saying is forget everything I said before.  This is how I really feel."), BUT, I would like to maximize results.  So what could I be doing wrong?

I could be eating too little.  If my caloric needs are higher because of my weight, then drastically cutting them below 1000 calories less could slow down the metabolism and work against me.  And I found out today that adding the bicycling to my regimen actually adds 400 calories to my daily requirement.  So I probably should eat more but I'm scared to. 

Today my Richard Simmons Foodmover has sat accusingly from its dusty perch on my desk.  I had real success with it before, and it's pretty painless.  Rather than writing down all my calories, I just close little windows for the food I'm eating.  When the windows are all closed, I'm done eating for the day.  According to the foodmover, I should be eating 2000 calories per day.  When I break the 300lb mark, then it goes down to 1800. 

I'm highly suspicious that Richard knows more about what he's doing than I do, and I should retrieve said foodmover, dust it off and start using it again.  And after all it doesn't really change anything; I'll still base my success or failure on a per day basis (that I exercised and ate properly), but I'll let someone else have the hassle of figuring out how many calories I need and what I need to eat. 

We'll see what happens on the 1st of January, my "official" weigh in day.

Exercise - 30 mins on stationary bike

Dec. Calories spent: 33,225 = projected weight loss 9.49lbs

Small Changes = Big Differences

I just wanted to point out how proud I am of my hubby Steven.  He put on a pair of 40 jeans yesterday and they fit perfect.  He was wearing 42s.  And most of that change came from adding exercise to his routine.  Just a mile walk 5 or so times a week and he's already seeing the difference.

There are a lot of people who feel like the task of losing weight is so daunting they're too intimidated to even try.  I suggest making small changes one at a time.  If your weakness is sugared sodas, switch over to the diet kind.   Those sugared sodas are generally about 150 calories for one can.  That's a lot of empty calories, and if you don't spend that energy, it builds up into stored fat.

So make a positive change, just one.  It may seem small, but in the end it could make a big difference in your weight.

Progress!

I was poking around through some old photos yesterday and found a "fat" picture of me, and by fat I mean I appear a LOT heavier then than I am now.  I know it's going to take a while to get a *real* before and after photo, but I'm pretty psyched to see such a big difference between now and then.

The photo I'm holding was taken in the summer of 2000.  Back in summer of 2001 we decided to get married, so I went on a wedding diet.  My measurements in 07/01 were 55 1/2-54 1/2-58, and I'm guessing that's about what I was when this picture was taken.  I'm now down to 53/47/53, for a total of 15 inches lost.  I would guestimate I was probably 350lbs+ in that photo (YIKES), so that means I've most likely lost 35lbs.  That's 10% of my body weight.  It also means I went from a size 32 to a size 28. 

That's something to celebrate.  Bring on the Sugar Free Jello!!

New Friends & Kind Brushes With Strangers

I was searching my mind for a topic for tonight's check in, and the only real thing that comes to mind is how grateful I am to be a part of this community.  So many of you have written or responded to my journal and my Journey in such a positive way, it really warms my soul.  It makes me feel like I'm part of something so much bigger than just what happens to me, and I really am humbled. 

I've been reading other journals tonight and I have to say I'm really impressed with what I've found.  There are some great storytellers out there!   It just goes to prove what we all can learn from one another when we open up to each other.  It takes a lot of guts to do it, but boy is it ever worth while.

So thanks to all who have stopped by to read the journal, or taken the time to respond.  The AOL Journal community ROCKS!

Exercise: Walked 1 mile, rode stationary bike 30mins, Pilates

Dec. Calories spent: 31,865 = 9.10 projected weight loss

 

You Can't Walk On Water....(pt 1)

Today I wrestle with a difficult decision.  As many of you know, I'm an aspiring writer.  I "aspire" to write because I don't have the nerve to pursue getting published, especially because my passion is writing screenplays.  To sell a screenplay you have to network, then you have to go pitch yourself in meetings with Hollywood executives.  To be honest with you, the idea scares me silly.  I don't have enough self confidence to sell myself, no matter how much confidence I have in my writing ability. 

Last year I joined an online screenwriting community called Done Deal.  In the last (almost) two years I've interacted with a lot of interesting people, for good or ill, and received a lot of help.  The one thing most of them have ever seen is a photo of me.  They can be a little... harsh at times when it comes to cutting each other to the quick, and I just felt safer hiding behind what they thought I was.  There I'm very outspoken, and I'll go head to head with many of them on my very strong opinions, and I don't know if I would have done that had they known who I really was.  Because I spend my whole life hiding behind who I think the world judges me to be.

Anyway, I haven't posted there much since I began this lifestyle change because I'm coming to terms with someone they don't even know exists.  I'll still browse the boards occasionally, and post intermittantly, but I'm detatching myself from it, knowing the day will come that I'll have to come clean with my "big, dark secret". 

...Until You Get Out of the Boat (pt 2)

Today is that day. 

There is a post regarding the best Christmas gift we've received this year, and I plan to tell them about my journal being featured on AOL.  I don't care much about material things, the fact that my writing stood out enough to be featured is a very big deal for me.  And it all came because I was willing to be real with who I was.  I was willing to step into the fire and open myself up to praise or ridicule to the world.  I was willing to lay bare the one thing that the internet has always afforded me - the safety of anonymity. 

I'm still scared.  But I finally decided that great things won't happen (like selling a script) without me being the hero in my own hero's journey.  Like any protagonist I'm getting out of my comfort zone, doing things I have never before done, because I want something better for myself than being scared.  There's absolutely nothing I should be scared of.  Sure some people can go the mean route and make fun, or some can ignore me altogether.  But in the end, the pros might outweigh the cons and I can finally listen to my own advice about not waiting till I'm thin to be happy. 

So I'm going to get out of the water.  And hope to God I don't sink.

There Can Be No Testimony Without the Test

Or at least that's what one of my favorite preachers says. 

Today I woke up after 5 hours of sleep to find my bathroom flooded all the way into my neighbor's apartment.  I go to work, feeling zero enthusiasm about doing so, hoping for a half day so I can come home and nap.  No such luck.  Today was free listing day on Ebay, so that meant I had to prepare auctions to go up ASAP.  I worked late, missing my walk. 

If there was a day that would make me want to cheat, today was that day.  Talk about feeling the urge to indulge.  I was ready to spoil myself and how.  No walk, no bike, eating out and sleep most of the evening away.  However, hubby pulled a rabbit out of his hat (or should I say, a cat) and managed to pull me out of my funk for the most part.  We have a new critter, and when he's finished behing camera shy I'll get his photo up here.  His name is Romeow, because he's a little lover boy.  We got him from the Pet Rescue, and his poor little tail didn't survive the scrape he obviously had. 

So my mood elevated but not my energy, and I had to force myself to ride the bike.  I didn't get my walk and felt mighty bad about that, so I made sure I not only rode my bike but I rode it 30 mins this time. 

I came home to eat the leftover lime jello treat I talked about yesterday and found my oldest had cleaned it up while I was at work.  : - |  Teenagers.  The best cure to overeating because there isn't ever any FOOD. 

I am very grateful though how well the journal is being received, and really glad Monica, the Queen Goddess of Weight Loss got the recognition she deserved by being picked #1.  Go Mon! 

So I latched my lasso to all of y'all and got through the day.

Thanks :)

Exercise - Rode stationary bike 30mins.

Dec. Calories Spent: 29,720 = projected weight loss 8.49lbs.

Goodies that taste like Baddies

The final concensus of the day is that I did go over 1800 calories, but I didn't overeat.  All in all I shaved 780 calories even in the midst of holiday eating.  I'm pretty proud about that.  So I thought I'd share a couple of our wicked indulgences that were tailor made to fit in a healthy eating lifestyle. 

Seven Layer Dip - this traditional Mexican dip is a party favorite, something maybe you can take with you when you have your New Year's Eve celebrations next week.  If you don't host your parties, bring along your own foods.  You'll be a hit!

You can use the following: lean ground meat, non fat refried beans, salsa, non fat sour cream, green onions, black olives, tomatoes and nonfat or lowfat grated cheese.  Layer these one by one in that order, and serve with Baked Tostitoes.  The calories (provided I calculated them right) should be about 550 calories for both chips and dip and only 6 grams of fat, provided you keep to one sixth of your dip and 20 or so chips.  It's very filling, so this is definitely enough.

Lime Jello Salad - One of my holiday favorites, I've been eating it as long as I can remember.  It has a real zing to it thanks to the pineapple and the lime jello, and we use 7Up to give it extra fizz.  Boil two cups of water for two 4oz packages of Sugar Free Lime Jello.  Stir until dissolved.  Cut up fat free cream cheese into this, and mix with a beater until pretty well blended.  It will not be smooth.  Drain your pineapple tidbits into a measuring cup, adding Diet 7Up to make a cup.  Add to mixture and chill for about an hour.  Then include the pineapple.  Again, if I calculated this right the calories end up to be less than 240 calories (I used the regular jello, not the sugar free) with 0 grams of fat.  Should make six servings. 

Exercise - Walked 1 mile, rode stationary bike 21 mins, 32 min Pilates workout

Dec. calories spent: 28,415 = projected weight loss 8.12lbs.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone's Christmas is going fabulous today.  We're all doing fine, I'm taking a moment of peace and quiet while my sons watch their new DVDs.  I have a ham prepared and some good, lowfat side dishes and sweet stuff, and after we eat I'll probably trek on over to the office to get in my 20mins on the bike.  Again I'm fighting the urge to just put it aside today, but again I have to remember that I need to give myself the most important gift of all.  The gift of diligence, so that next Christmas I can have one of those cool "after" photos to go with my before photos.

It's hard.  Depression is an uphill battle.  I even contemplated a nap but I think what I really need to do is to get my rump over to the office and ride myself happy.  These are my weak moments, and I hate that you all have to see it.  But that comes with the strict code of honesty I've dedicated to this project.  I now know the meaning of the phrase "painfully honest".

I've also decided that I'm not going to let numbers rule my life like they have done.  What's important isn't that the scales say but what I do.  And I say that as a person who gets frustrated VERY easily if the weight doesn't come off like I want it to, or like I think it should (i.e. FAST).  I'm going to try to redefine my own meanings of success.  If I do my exercises and I do not overeat, then that's a successful day.  Enough of those successful days in a row and that numbers on my scale can't HELP but go down. 

So I'm not going to beat myself up for the weight I haven't lost, but commend myself for the positive changes I've made.  I can feel really good about the accomplishments I've made.  I'm not going to define myself by what I weigh, but instead by what I do.

And I'm doing all right.

So Merry Christmas, dear Readers, especially my weight loss buddies and all my journal buddies.  Your gift of support is one I most treasure today.

Spoiling vs. Pampering

Today I very nearly talked myself out of exercising.  I don't go in to work on Wednesdays, and since the stationary bike I use is at my office, I had the perfect excuse to miss a day.  It's Christmas Eve, I had a lot of stuff to do, and I was emotionally wrecked.  Never mind that my office is a measly 400 steps from my front door, I *deserved* a day off.  I was all set to spoil myself and I physically had to force myself those 400 steps to the office.  I physically had to force myself to ride past that initial two minute start up where my legs are killing me and I want nothing more than to stop.  Not only did I ride the 15 mins I have been riding, but I kept on going (because a new song had started) and ended up riding 20 mins. 

Before anyone applauds I have to confess that I ended up eating three pieces of See's Candies that one of our clients had given to our office for Christmas. 

Anyway, it got me thinking about the difference between spoiling and pampering.  The definition I've finally come to is that if you do something to spoil yourself, then it has a negative consequence (i.e. eating that extra scoop of ice cream, skipping work for a day, spending excess money, having that second or third drink), while doing something to pamper yourself (taking a long bubble bath, getting a new hairdo, taking a long walk, writing a journal) has a positive consequence. 

Through that definition, exercise would then be something you'd do to pamper yourself.  The consequence of exercise is that it raises your endorphins and makes you happier.  You feel better about yourself, your body feels and looks better.  Not exercising would be spoiling yourself.  You'd feel guilty later that you didn't do it, you'd feel more sluggish and you might break your stride and put your weight loss journey on hold. 

So during this holiday season, even though it's sometimes really hard, love yourself enough to pamper yourself - and leave the spoiling to those high fat leftovers laying wait in your fridge.

Exercise - Walked 1 mile, rode stationary bike 20mins

Dec. Calories Spent: 27,050 - projected weight loss 7.29lbs

A Christmas Gift for Daniel

When it rains it pours.  I got an email from the AOL Journals editor who says my journal will be featured in their weekly pics as of Friday, to run for six days.  I'm pretty excited, and kinda scared too.  This means there's no turning back.  I can't just fade quietly back in the woodwork and disappear from the canvas.  This is the real deal, with the whole world watching.

I'm a little nervous, but I'm also confident that I'm still very much in control of my weight right now.  I'm eating right, I'm exercising, all I have to do now is watch the progress and be patient.  That second thing is the hardest for me. 

But what I hope more than anything is that in the end my life will mean something.  I'm still struggling through my grief over losing my ex husband in September, my kids and I are facing a real uphill battle right now just trying to get through the days without totally falling apart.  The "firsts" are always the worst, and this will be the first Christmas since 1987 I won't have Daniel.  If I would allow it, it would hurt me so much I don't think I would be able to breathe.  So I've been putting it aside, throwing myself instead into this journal, exercise and weight loss.  I'm in motion, and determined to stay that way.

And I always picture Dan right there beside me, telling me I can do it.  Just one more minute on the bike when my legs feel like they're going to fall off.  Just one more leg lift, or one more rep with the handweights.  I just have to believe in me as much as he always did.  He knew I could do it, now I just have to know that for myself.

We all are born, and we all die.  It's what we do in the meantime that counts most.  And I'm going to conquer this battle, the right way, in the right time and for the right reasons. 

Exercise - 15mins stationary bike, 32 mins Pilates routine

Dec. Calories Spent: 25,325 = projected weight loss 7.24lbs

I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Deville

I received an email from AOL Take It Off, and they want to feature my journal.  I'm very excited.  It happened to come on a "thin" day where I was feeling really good about myself anyway.  To know that I can be a part of something bigger, well that's just the icing on the cake.  I'm very honored.

I got back on the stationary bike today.  My legs were not amused.  I wanted to quit but I rode it out, thinking if I just get to five minutes at least I'm conditioning myself to ride longer.  My legs burned but I kept riding through it, and once I hit the five minute mark I had worked out the kinks and was able to ride the entire 15 minutes.  Then we all went to the park and walked around there.  My legs are sore, but it's a good sore.

The best part is I physically can see the difference now from the Pilates workout.  I can feel my abs starting to firm up in there, and I'm really looking forward to my workout again tomorrow.  After three sessions I look and feel different.  It's pretty awesome.  Even my sister says it looks like my stomach is melting away.  Now that's what I like to hear!

297 here I come.  :)

Exercise - Walked 1 mile, rode stationary bike 15 mins

Dec. Calories Spent: 23,850 = projected 6.81lb weight loss (5lbs actual)

And her legs shook like two bowls full of jelly...

I didn't get my walk in today, Steven worked an 11 hour shift.  So I finally went head to head with the elipitcal training machine at the office.  Picture it.  Me on one side of the room.  The Instrument of Torture on the other.  Off in the distance, a lone whistler provides harmony for The Good, The Bad & The Ugly.  Suddenly, a tumbleweed blows across the exercise room. 

In the end, I was only able to do five minutes on the ET.  My knees put up QUITE the protest.  My sister and I decided it must have been because of my weight on my knees, so I got on the stationary bike instead.  I rode out the five minutes barely, going about 33mph.  Just as I hit the five minute mark and was about to quit I realized in order to read the other stats I had to keep going.  So I slowed my pace down to about 28mph and found that was comfortable enough to keep going.  In all, I rode a bit over six miles in a little over 13 minutes, and I burned 150 calories (which was what I was aiming for). 

It's a start.  I plan on working my way up to riding the bike for about 30 mins and trying to conquer the EP once more. 

Exercise - 5 mins eliptical trainer, 13 mins exercise bike, 32 mins Pilates workout.

Dec calories spent: 23,720 = projected weight loss 6.78lbs (5lbs actual weight lost)

Snake Oil Salesmen

The weight loss industry is probably one of the most lucrative markets in the United States.  We're so image conscious that we latch onto their products always in search of the miracle thing that will conform us from Average Joes or Janes to the images we see on magazines or on the movie screen.  And while some are good and give us good information, others are no more than Snake Oil Salesmen full of empty promises and endless pipe dreams.

Beware the media.  It's full of dangerous contradictions.

We have the fast food industry telling us how to get more for our dollar - just supersize it.  It's biggie this, monster that, the bigger the better.  Some food companies even have the audacity to claim that their food can be the source of happiness. 

Then in the very next commercial we have this weight loss program or that, telling us how we can lose weight quick, be happy, be better just by taking their pills or following their fad diets or programs.  Some even have the nerve to tell us we can eat all we want and still lose weight.  We don't even have to exercise.

It kinda makes me mad to be honest with you.  People are trying to make a buck out of playing on our emotions.  Losing weight is such a slow, agonizing process that it is so tempting to reach for that fix it quick scheme.  And people have died from those schemes, like Phen Fen and Ephedra.  Even gastric bypass surgery sometimes has it's severe complications. 

So as we maneuver our way through this obstacle course of media temptations, let's resolve to keep one goal in the forefront.  We are already people of value, it doesn't take a size 4 dress to prove it.  We are already happy, it doesn't take a super biggie monster hamburger with a side of greasy fries to do it.  We are worth being taken care of just the way we'd take care of our loved ones, and they deserve us to be healthy and happy no matter how long it takes us to get there.

Let's steer clear of the Snake Oil Salesmen.  

Exercise - Walked 1 mile

Dec. Calories spent 22,070 = projected 6.30lbs lost (5 actual lbs lost)

My Husband - The Blogger

Steven and I were talking the other night and thought it would be an interesting compliment to this journal if he were to add the male quotient in his own journal.  He also needs to lose weight too, but he can also share how hard it must be to watch the person that you love go through such a hard obstacle course with really no way to help.

You know how men are, and that they like to fix everything.  And my husband is the eternal white knight.  Whereever there is a problem he likes to jump in, roll up his shirt sleeves and help. 

So without further ado,

http://journals.aol.com/dreamkeepersv/Followingmywifesdietjourney/

Check In

I'm really excited about today's weigh in because it matches up with the projected weight loss.  I think my problem before was I wasn't getting enough fiber, so I started a brantastic regimen for the mornings.  Everything now works as it should LOL

Anyway, my beginning stats were:

54/50/55, probable weight 340-350

Todays stats are:

53/47/53, weight 315

For a total of 6 inches and 25-35lbs lost in 2 1/2 months.

The projected weight loss was 5.85lbs, actual weight loss 5.0lbs

Digital Madness

I finally got my digital camera today and as the numerous photos above show we've been having a good time with it.  The first shot is me at the park, enjoying some sun and getting my mile in.  Number 2 looks out over the park, we walk all the way around it.  Number 3 is my winning four aces in our Friday Night poker game.  Best hand I've ever had...had to share.  Number 4, son TJ is dealing my sister and I some blackjack.  Number 5 is Steven being a goof.  I wish that $500 chip was real!  Number 6... well it really needs no explanation LOL  Number 7, my pilates ball takes a breather.  Note: it is still intact.  I'm as surprised as you are!  Number 8 Sparks gets in the act.  Number 9, my handsome 13 year old TJ.  Number 10, I dole out the chips for poker.  And Number 11 is our handsome, pugnacious ever adorable but always insistant exercise coach, Sir Winston Q. Pooter.

Tomorrow I weigh in and check measurements and then it's time for my closeup Mr. Deville.

Exercise: Walked 1 mile, Pilates 32 mins (I actually did the crunch exercises!!)

Dec Calories Burned 20,470 = projected weight loss 5.85lbs.

Bitter, Party of One

I went for my walk today.  I didn't want to because it was dark by the time we got to it, but my little exercise coach would have given me major guilt if I hadn't. 

Then on the way home to drop off the dog so we could go grocery shopping, I realized how hungry I was and I didn't want to shop on an empty stomach.  We started thinking about the Debble - i.e. takeout food and I got into a huge argument with Steven.  I had finally decided on Wendy's, where I can have a pretty decent meal without going off my program, and he was insistant on another place. 

It just really upset me that I'm making all these sacrifices and my family can and does continue to eat however they want.  It's that old deprivation issue coming into play.  He wanted pizza or Long John Silvers or Sonic, and I had to be the strong one.

I hate being the strong one.

So I basically threw a hissy fit and now I'm sitting here, still hungry and very angry.  I wish this Journey meant as much to him as it does to me.  But like Dr. Phil said.  I gained it on my own.  I have to lose it on my own.

And maybe I feel a little guilty because I feel like I'm depriving them unfairly.  But they don't need that stuff anymore than I do.  Everyone in my family is overweight. 

I guess I just need the support in more than just words. 

Forgive the rant.  It comes with the territory of getting real with you feelings.  And it bites.  Seriously.

Exercise - Walked 1 mile

Dec Calories Spent 18,940 = 5.41lbs projected weight loss

Pilates. Body Sculpting or Medievil Torture. You Decide.

I didn't go the whole two miles today.  I foolishly put it off so that I could "walk" to Target to get my weights, and then ran out of time before Steven had to go to work.

I went in to the store with the purpose of buying two five pound free weights and a balance ball.  Having had lower back pain for at least a decade or more, I can no longer lay flat out on my back to do things like situps or crunches.  But I saw that people can do abdominal exercises using a balance ball, and I thought that would better fit my needs.  (Although I am a little nervous about the durability of the balance ball versus my current weight.  I'm afraid of ending up the subject of a newspaper story: "Woman Severely Injured in Balance Ball Blowout")

I ended up buying a set of 3lb weights that came with the balance ball and a Pilates instructional tape.  Since I read that Pilates was good for everyone regardless of age or fitness level, I decided to give it a go.  After all it looks really simple.

Looks are deceiving.  I actually worked up a sweat during the 32 minute routine.  I couldn't do a few exercises in the floor routine (because of my back) but everything else I could do.  Nothing hurt, although some muscles groaned a bit. 

But the best news of all is how I felt when I was through.  I was energized, and I felt more limber.  So I think I'll add that my exercise regime, scheduling it every other day.

Exercise: Walked 1 mile, 32 min Pilates workout

Dec. Calories spent: 17,340 = projected weight loss: 4.95lbs.

 

Why I Started This Journey

Having been heavy all my life, I've started diets more times than I count.  Most of the time, the reasons have been superficial.  I wanted to lose weight to become attractive, to get a guy, to find love, to get a job, or just generally be happy.

And doing it to be happy is such a tricky prospect.  If you equate being thin with happiness, how do you survive the many months or maybe even years it takes to get to being thin?  It seems a lot easier to find that temporary happiness with food.

So I'm not going to lose weight to be happy.  I'm going to be happy anyway.  I'm going to be happy because I've been blessed with a good life.  I have a husband that loves me as is, and supports me.  I have children who think I'm pretty awesome, no changes needed.  I have a boss who thinks I rock on the job (and I do), and I have a big family that loves me unconditionally. 

I'm not going to lose weight to be attractive.  To borrow a phrase from Christina Aguilera, I'm beautiful no matter what they say.  I'm a good person.  Generous, loving, devoted, smart, funny, talented and all the things that really add up to being beautiful.

I'm not going to lose weight to begin my career as a I writer.  I'm going to write anyway.  My mind is my tool and that's what will get me sold, not just how I look at a pitch meeting.

I'm losing the weight because I need to start caring for me the same way I care for those I love.  I need to put a value on my health and my life and stop slowly killing myself.  I need to love my kids enough to make sure they have a mother around till her old age.  I need to love my husband enough to make sure he has a life partner who will be healthy with him until we're sitting out in dual rockers on the front porch.  I need to realize what is really important in life isn't whether or not I get to eat a piece of pie, but that I can hold my head up high where ever I plan to go.

I need to believe in my strengths: my intelligence, my determination and the size of my heart.  I am a survivor.  I'm strong enough to go the long haul.  I don't care how long it takes.  I don't care how many times I get knocked down.  It's time to stop dreaming of what I can do IF.  I'm going to turn the IF into WHEN.

It's time to live a life of integrity, with a legacy I can be proud of when my days end. 

A Successful Cheat Day

Well today was Steven's birthday and we treated him to a dinner at the Outback steakhouse.  I think I did ok.  I had the grilled fish filet with shrimp, crawfish & mushrooms, with a side of veggies.  I did eat from the bread basket, but it was a dark honey wheat.  I didn't order a salad (for fear of the dressing) and only had a few bites of their potato soup.  The only place I really cheated was the alcohol, drinking three cosmos. 

Steven did get a sundae for his birthday, but I took a page from the nutritionist on Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge and had a few bites.  It was totally enough to satisfy.  AND I brought about half of the fish home in a doggie bag.

I was particularly motivated after viewing yesterday's Dr. Phil.  He was teaching his Weight Loss Challenge contestants how to have a healthy holiday that wouldn't sidetrack their commitment to healthier eating.  Here I've been looking forward to my "cheat days" where I can throw caution to the wind, and it really hit me hard what an unnecessary thing it was.

I can still enjoy food, I can still have a good holiday without my enjoyment relying on what is or isn't on my menu.  So I decided to revamp that menu I already had planned and include some healthy alternatives.

The bad news is I stepped on the scale this morning and six of those six and a half pounds were back.  : - |  But I'm not going to be a slave to the scale.  Our bodies fluxuate with hormonal changes and water weight.  What matters most is that I *feel* the difference in my body.  I fit into clothes I couldn't have fit into a couple of months ago. 

So tomorrow it's off to Target to buy some free weights to start building muscle so that I can burn the fat faster.  And tomorrow I'm going to walk two, yes you heard me right, TWO miles.

Oh, and BTW I did get a digital camera but I ended up resorting to Ebay.  When it comes in, the digital madness begins :)

Dec. calories spent 15,885 = 4.5lbs lost

 

Wonders Never Cease

I'm sitting here in my size 26/28 button jeans.  This is big, y'all.  I can't even remember the last time I was able to wear jeans that button and zip. 

So this means I've left 30/32 behind and am now OFFICIALLY 26/28.  That's tremendously cool. 

My sister played Santa and bought me at least a week's worth of clothes, including two jogging outfits to work out in.  I'm wearing all these clothes and I FEEL thinner.  Some are tigher than others, but the fact they fit at all is blowing my mind.  It's definitely a motivator.

Anyway, time to go blow at least half of my Christmas bonus at Walmart.  I'm seriously considering a digital camera to help document the progress. 

I have extra money and new clothes in a smaller size.  Life is good.  :)

Dec. Calories Spent: 15,025 = projected weight loss: 4.29lbs.

All We Have is This Moment

When Dan passed away this year, it brought home a grim reality.  No one is promised a tomorrow.  It depressed me for a really long time, and even sidetracked some of my major life goals (like having another child).  I wondered, what is the point, if we're all going to die anyway? 

And the Grim Reaper looms out there, always prepared to snatch us - sometimes he makes his presence well known, and sometimes he just steals us away without any notice. 

So ever since then I realized that the only thing I have control over, is this very moment that I'm in.  As time has gone on, I realize that doesn't have to be a bad thing to keep mindful of.  For someone with lofty goals like myself, it means I can control my Journey for this moment.  I don't have to think about the 170 lbs I have to lose, I can just concentrate on this moment, and not overeating today.  I don't have to think about if I can't run that mile yet, I just have to get out and walk it today.  I don't have to think about giving up my favorite foods for the rest of my life, I just have to be okay that I don't eat it today.

Kind of like any addict (and I fully confess that I'm a food addict), you have to take control over the only real thing you have control over.  This moment. 

And if you do take control over each moment as it comes, pretty soon the moments will add up into a whole stretch of time that will help you meet your goals.  Pretty soon you can look at before and after photos where you have 20, 30, 50, 100lbs gone.  It didn't happen over night, but it DID happen one moment at a time.

So seize the moment and make it your own.  I know I'm going to.  And before long, we'll all have met our goals.

Dec. calories spent: 14,020; projected weight loss 4lbs.

That Ugly Four Letter Word - PLAN

They say life happens to you when you start making plans.  They also say the surest way to get God to laugh is for humans to start making plans.  And somehow, I always manage to sideline myself if I ever set out a concrete plan.

Which is a bummer, because I like plans.  I'm a total control freak who likes to know what is coming.  Months before a trip I make plans, travel plans, intenarary plans, plans on what to spend, plans on what to save so that I CAN spend, and so on.  I already have planned out our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day festivities, from the menu to the guest list to the activities.  I believe in plans.

Yet when it comes to weight loss, I can plan like a madwoman and yet all my plans go up in smoke (or down with a cheesecake).  Maybe it's because my plans for weight loss aren't realistic.  I set up high goals and then when I can't meet them, I get quickly discouraged and quickly revert back to old eating habits for comfort, which totally sabotage the diet.

A lot of that has to do with the lack of control I have over the weight loss.  I diet and exercise but it seems that I'm still a slave to the Weight Loss Gods (they have to be male, Goddesses wouldn't do this to us).  I'm at their mercy and their whim on how much they're going to shave off those numbers on the scale.  If any.

So given that I've found a new (old) way to lose weight, by knowing what my caloric needs are and employing the "burn more than you take in" theory, I think I've finally got enough control to start making a plan.  It's going to be a temporary plan as I experiment to see if weight loss CAN be as simple as a mathematical formula. 

So from now on I'm going to put in my journal every day how many calories I've spent, and keep a monthly tally.  At the end of the month, if the tally equates to pounds lost (3500 calories per 1 lb of stored fat) then I will publish my plan and set it into motion. 

If this works out, it very well may be the light at the end of the tunnel to keep me on this path of weight loss until the very end.

My data sheet I use to track my calories started on Dec. 6th.  And so far I've spent 12,430 calories, which should have shed 3.5lbs. 

Short and Sweet

Just a short note to say that I put on a pair of size 26 stretch jeans that always were unbearably tight before, and I can bend and move and yes, even breathe! They fit great. I'm psyched. Yeah, me!

Now I'm off for casino night at my sisters. Until I can get to Vegas, it's the next best thing. ;)

Moi

Until I get a scanner to document any current pics (or a dig camera), I'll use this as a starting point.  This was from 8/01 when I got married, when my measurements were 55/51/54.  On Nov. 1st I was 54/48/55, so this photo is a bit more truthful to what I was when I started my diet back in September. 

As soon as I get my dig proofs from the portraits we took, I'll update you all with my "December" look.  LOL

Anyway the first three were taken from my wedding (obviously).  The third photo is my sister and I.  Mutt & Jeff all the way.  The fourth one was taken at our rehearsal dinner at Buca Di Beppo Restaurant in Las Vegas, NV.  Next to me is my honey Steven.  Good guy.  If I could clone him I'd make millions. 

The photos in the zebra striped jacket were taken probably about a year to nine months before the wedding.  I just found them on my old computer, I'd forgotten all about them. 

Another thing I might put as a goal are those invisible braces.  I hate my smile, even though I love to do it all the time.  :)

A Month into The Journey

I just realized today that I started this journal a month ago.  I figure there's no time like the present to go over a few accomplishments and or disappointments.

The good news is I'm down 17lbs.  The bad news is I could have been down more had I not depended on the South Beach diet.  But live and learn.

Added to the probable 20lbs I lost before that, we're looking at 37lbs since late September.  Pretty excited about that. 

The good news is I'm down 3 inches total from the start of my new eating lifestyle.  The bad news is it could have been more had I been working my fanny off sooner.  Again... live and learn. 

I miss overindulging in bad foods on a weekly basis, but so far nothing I haven't been able to handle.  I ended up eating a cheeseburger and a half last night and felt like a pig, but when I worked out the calories I was actually at 1800.  So that's good.  65 grams of fat, and that's not so good... but still nothing to really beat myself up for.

My mother in law sent some candied apples to us for Christmas.  :- |  The good news is a few bites into it and I already feel satisfied.  I probably won't need to eat the whole thing.  (and I picked the one with the lowest calories and lowest fat)  So that means I'm well on my way to being free of food, where people I love won't have to walk on eggshells around me as I make the necessary sacrifices to lose weight.

Don't deprive.  Just make sensible choices.

I haven't gone for my walk yet.  But we'll be out the door shortly.  Our rather insistant four legged child seen above has decided to become my fitness coach.  If we miss our walk at the park, he bawls us out.  He's a good boy!

The writing hasn't gone as well as I had hoped it would.  I abandoned the screenplay for a novel steeped in drama, and now I'm stalled at page 25. 

So... on to goals for next month at this time. 

Weight: I want to break the 300lb mark.  I've got 13.5 lbs to go.

Inches: At least another two inches gone.

Fitness: Start walking a mile and a half.

Diet:  Down another 100 calories to 1700 calories a day to maintain consistant weight loss.

Writing: Be on page 50 of both novel and screenplay.  If I haven't done it, feel free to bawl me out.  I will deserve it.  :)

Another twofor, with a side order of confession

It dawned on me that I should document I didn't go for a walk today.  A cold snap has dampened my enthusiasm to walk considerably.  Especially since I'm still coming off of the flu.

But the reason I'm writing is that ol' accountability issue.  I need to confess when I fall short so I don't let it become a habit - which, since this is the second day in a row I haven't gone for a walk, this is very much a danger of becoming.

I'm doing good, and yet I'm sabotaging myself.  I need to explore why.  IF I indeed lost 20lbs before the 17 I've lost so far, then I'm right on target to fall off the wagon just shy of the 40lb mark. 

I think if I can make it to the 50lb weight loss mark, I could totally go the distance.  It's my personal holy grail at this point. 

But, we'll get into it later, on the other website.  Right now it's 3am and I have to get to bed.  I AM going walking tomorrow.

Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard

Earlier in the week I received a letter from the Journal Editors, saying that this journal was being considered to be featured.  At the time it took me by surprise.  I don't feel this journal is saying anything important enough or entertaining enough to be featured.  This is just basically my thoughts and my first stumbling, wobbly steps on a new diet.

It made me reflect on most of my writing these days.  I've been stalled on page 22 of my romantic comedy screenplay for more than a month.  I've got it all mapped out, but for some reason I cannot jump my head into gear and churn out any pages. 

It's dawned on me that it's because I don't feel the piece is funny enough.  Just like this journal, which is utilitarian at best.  I'm normally very quirky and very funny, but it's just not coming across in anything I'm writing.  It's frustrating.

Then I realized, I just haven't felt all that funny lately.  If you haven't read the website that corresponds with what I'm doing here, then you probably aren't aware but my 43 year old ex husband (whom I was still very close friends with) passed away Sept. 13 of a massive heart attack.  It was quite a shock.

My boys, 13 and 11, have been the major reason I started getting real about my weight.  I lost my own dad when I was 11 and sinceI know how badly life can suck without one parent, I cannot doom them to being orphaned.  Which is exactly the road I was walking by eating myself to death.

So mix that stark terror of my own mortality to the overwhelming grief of losing my best friend of 17 years, and you have a pretty non-funny person. 

I know that one day the humor will return.  And I know Dan loved to laugh and wouldn't be too happy with me if he knew how hard I was taking his passing.  He didn't look at death that way at all.  He wasn't afraid to die.  He believed in God and Heaven and knew one day he'd be with our other son who predeceased him. 

I just don't know how to find the humor.  He's woven so tightly into all our hearts that each new day brings another opportunity to remember how wonderful it was to know someone like him. 

Rewards

When an overweight person loses weight on a strict diet, the temptation looms to reward yourself with food.  Or maybe that's just me. 

Anyway, I've decided to put another great passion of mine on the stick I carry in front of myself to keep me going on the straight and narrow.  Traveling.

If you read my goals a few entries back, you'll see that I consider going to NYC and Europe important enough to list on my life goals before I hit 40.  Truth is, NYC is my congratulatory trip when I meet my goal weight.

In keeping with that theme, I've decided to give the big milestones nice trips.  And it only makes sense that it would be trips because my weight has and can prevent me from enjoying what I love to do most.  I haven't flown since Southwest Airlines started enforcing their obese passenger policy.  Whether or not I'd need the other seat is kind of a non issue.  Just the embarrassing question in front of a plane full of strangers is enough to scare me away.  And the fact is, I do need a seat extender, although not by much.  Two to three inches at most.

So here are the goals:

50lbs - Los Angeles (this is a no brainer because I have to go there in February anyway, but it gives me a concrete goal to work towards).

100lbs - Las Vegas.  My favorite city in the whole wide world - so far.  And I'm going to treat myself to a stay at the Mirage finally.

150lbs - Orlando, Florida.  "So Ginger, you've lost 150lbs.  What are you going to do now?" "I'm going to DISNEYWORLD!"

Reaching my 145lb goal weight means taking a huge, hunking bite out of the BIG APPLE. 

I . CANNOT. WAIT.

Yeah BayBeeeee!

Weigh in day was DEFINITELY satisfying today.  I'm down 6.5lbs!  That's a total of 17lbs since the beginning of November. Now THAT is a number I like to see.

Yeah, I know a lot of that 6.5 loss is water, but it's so nice to see the numbers going down instead of up.  I'll take my victories where I can get them LOL 

 

A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

The stroke of brillance happened like it normally does - instantly, like a smack upside the head.

It dawned on me that if the formula for losing weight is to burn up more fuel than you take in, then I need to know what the numbers are.  That way I can figure out what I need to do to keep the weight coming off in the best manner possible.  It's just a matter of mathematics.  No fad diets, no half hearted guesses or uneducated assumptions.  Just numbers, in black and white.

So I went to my trusty Google and came up with several very useful links.  I learned something that was not only interesting, but really good news too.  Turns out, for what I weigh I can eat more than I have allowed myself.  To maintain my weight I have to take in 2800 calories per day.  To lose 1 lb a week, I have to decrease that number by 500, and the MOST I should cut it by is 1000 calories.  If I cut it too drastically, then my body shifts into starvation mode and I could end up storing fat instead of burning it. (i.e. hitting those aggrevating walls)

So this means that I can raise my caloric intake to 1800 (woo woo!).  With what I burn on my walks (about 130 calories), and adding in some weight training to build muscle mass, I should be able to maintain a 2 lb weight loss per week.  I've learned that building muscle mass actually aids fat burning by increasing your metabolism.

So if this is true, you really can eat your way to being thin.  I'll weigh in tomorrow to see where I'm at, and then weigh in a week from now to see how this "diet" stands up against the 1500 calorie diet.  And if this works, and isn't as painfully drastic as I thought it needed to be, that smack upside the head came just in the nick of time. 

 

A small victory

Today I battled my biggest weakness - takeout food.

There are days when I'm really exhausted and the last thing I want to do is cook.  So I've always relied on good old fast food to feed the family.  It's much easier to call and order pizza or stop off at a drive through than it is to face preparing a nutritious dinner fully cognizant of fat grams and caloric content.

And it didn't help today I was ravenously hungry.  I managed to skate in just a bit over 1500 and a few fat grams over 30, but at the time I was deliberating eating out, I had only taken in 800 calories with 19.5 fat grams.

I guarantee if I had given in to the fast food impulse, it would have soared far above 1500/30.  It was thanks to hubby getting the flu that helped decide not to.  I couldn't send the poor feverish man out for Chinese food he had to walk into a supermarket to get.  And nothing quicker sounded good enough to spend the $$ on or waste the fat grams on. 

It was a hard battle though.  And I'm still fighting the urge to go ahead and eat out before our designated "cheat" day on hubby's birthday.  We plan to go to a really popular steakhouse nearby, and none of us want to worry about counting calories that day.  But now it's not just that I'm too tired to cook.  Now I'm feeling deprived, and that's always been my pitfall. 

I keep coming back to that photo on my bankcard and how much heavier I look.  I can safely say I've lost between 20-30lbs since September.  So maybe if I just concentrate on that the urge to cheat will pass and I won't undo all the good I've done.

Good news is I did make it for the walk today, but it was more forced than usual.  I think it's because the flu is still holding on, and I'm just really run down.  I just have to pay very close attention to what I'm doing. 

I may be starting that food diary on my website very soon, just to keep myself honest. 

A twofor, since I've been MIA all week :)

Like I said in my other post, I'm feeling really positive these days.  I think I'm even coming to term with my age.

I know that 34 isn't all that old, but ever since I was a kid I always dreaded going past 32, like all my prime years were behind me.  And as I started this journey with the weight loss, and also the writing, I have felt like I was catching the bus really late.  And I hate to be really late.

But the other day for some reason that all changed.  I started looking at the thirties as being still very young, and still quite capable of accomplishing the many goals I have set for myself.  In fact, I read a news article that said today's thirty-something looks at the milestone more as a beginning than an end.  Even Oprah says that hitting 40 means you're hitting your stride. 

So in the spirit of this newfound youthfulness, I decided to put my goals down in a more concrete way and decide there are going to be certain things I'll do before I hit 40.

They are as follows - in no particular order:

1. Get down to goal weight and maintain at 150lbs.
2. Sell a book AND/or a screenplay - a significant sale.
3. Have one more child, at least.
4. Own my own home.
5. Buy a new car, as in brand new car.
6. Travel to New York City.
7. Travel to Europe.
8. Go on a cruise
9. Run a mile (I never did it, even as a kid... it’s kind of a personal vendetta)

I've got six years, and I feel like I have a foothold on several of these goals.  My new year's resolution has to do with the finances, and of course I'm working really hard on the weight.  I have to dedicate more time to the writing, that's been the slowest moving goal so far.

I meant to have two more screenplays done by the end of the year but I haven't been inspired to write any on either one.  I just need to bite the bullet and get to work.

Slow and steady wins the race.  I can't get it all done in a couple of months, but if I do a little each day I can look back at the progress and be amazed at how much I really can do.

 

 

An Update

The flu keeps holding on but I think I'm getting better.  I'm down to only aches and pains with the usual congestion in the morning, and dry cough during the day. 

I cheated and stepped on the scale yesterday and I have lost two pounds since Tuesday, when I started my 1500 calorie/35 fat gram diet.  I managed to walk four miles this week, missing a couple of days because the weather was cold and I was sick. 

I took my sister for a walk with me yesterday, she's also getting geared up for diet and weight loss.  We are thinking about doing the mile walk in the morning in addition to the mile walks I do in the late afternoon.

All in all I'm feeling really good about the progress.  I can feel my body changing.  And best thing of all was when we had our family portraits done for our Christmas cards, I could really tell a big weight loss from when I got my photo done for my bank card in July.  It looks like at least 20lbs difference. 

So I think I'm going to document the weight loss in photos too.  That might help keep me motivated. 

Thanks to everyone for wishing me well during my bout with the flu.  My best friend informs me he just relapsed this week and got it even worse, and my youngest came to me with a fever just now.

It's gonna be a long flu season. 

I hope you all are keeping far from it!

The Flu Cometh

Ugh.  The Nyquil couldn't stop it, and I'm flu stricken.  I wonder how much being on such a severely restricted diet had to do with it.  Oh well.  Can't do much about it now.

Pretty excited about going back to the 1500 calorie diet though.  I can eat whatever I want, which is nice.  I was a buying fool last night at the local Walmart Supercenter. 

We're also getting pretty good about doing the mile trek at the part every day.  I won't be going today, but I hope to be back on schedule tomorrow.

Sweet Nyquil slumber, here I come. :)

 

Something old that's new again...

It looks like the South Beach Diet isn't going to work as a weight management tool.  I just learned my 23-year-old niece just found out she has kidney disease for having too much protein in her body.  She successfully lost 50lbs with the Atkins diet, and I don't think this is coincidental.

So even though the South Beach Diet does allow good carbs, I think I'm going to concentrate on doing a limited calorie diet that includes all food groups.  I'll just make sure my carb choices are smarter.  No processed carbs like white flour, white rice or sugar.  But definitely grains, fruits and dairy will be introduced back into my diet.

It'll be slow, which is kinda depressing.  But I'd rather it be slow and steady than fast with severe complications later.

I'm starting over as of December 1st.

I hate starting over.  You'd think with as much practice as I've had I'd be better at it.

A Brand New Day

Well I went into a full blown confession on my website yesterday in my Diary O' Shame to describe what sins of gluttony I committed on my birthday. :-0

I went to El Chico last night and pigged out.  I mean I scarfed.  It wasn't pretty.  And neither were the scales this morning.  It shows a pound gain, but I know that it's two because I weighed myself earlier in the week and I was down an extra pound.

So today it's clean up my mess of a house and then off to the park we go to walk a few laps while it's still warm weather.  Tomorrow a cold snap is supposed to come through, so no walkies tomorrow.  Today though, today is the chance to redeem my sinful eating binge of yesterday.

I feel surprisingly good.  Normally I beat the hell outta myself after a binge like that, and end up hiding my shame in the nearest pint of Ben & Jerrys.  Today, I feel like I still have control, and I'm excited about going back on phase one. 

Maybe the extra year in my age has matured me.

:-P

 

Happy Birthday to me

Well here we are, 34 years from the day I was born.  Exciting isn't it?

Okay, no not really.  After you hit twenty-one, birthdays just become regular days that just mean people are a little nicer and you may get some gifts. 

My boys are pretty excited about giving me their gifts.  They went shopping last weekend and have been chomping at the bit to give me their presents.  I'm glad to see them excited, in fact that's probably the best gift of all.

It's my first birthday without their dad, my ex husband Dan, since I was seventeen years old.  I got pretty emotional earlier, but I feel a little better now.  I miss him still, but every day presents itself where I can do or say something that makes him a little closer.

*** a bit later***

My children came in as I was writing, and as I said they were very anxious to give me their gifts.  My oldest son gave me a computer game called Cruise Ship Tycoon, knowing I love my Casino Empire and my Mall Tycoon.  My husband gave me a jewelry box with a beautiful gold necklace with three hearts (to symbalize the three men in my life) and my younger son gave me a beautiful amythest ring along with a drawing he made himself.  And, as I said, Daniel touches me through my youngest son who wrote on his card "You're another year closer to Dad". 

I guess that's not so bad :)

 

The South Beach Diet #2

So far we've managed to eat things like chicken cordan bleu, made with lowfat ham and lowfat swiss, and instead of breaded toppings we use parmasan cheese.  It's pretty tasty.  We also made a taco salad, using Taco Bell brand taco seasoning, it has <1 gram of sugar.  Using the 96/4 lean hamburger meat and black beans, it's really very tasty with onions, lowfat cheese and tomatoes.

You're also allowed desserts provided they're low calorie and sugar free.  I've discovered a ravenous passion for sugar free Jell-O, especially the black cherry kind.  For the holidays I always make a lime jello salad that uses cream cheese, 7UP, lime jello and pineapple.  I'm going to make it this year making it as true to the diet as possible (sugar free jello, diet 7UP and lowfat cream cheese).  Losing the pineapple is going to hurt, it's one of my favorite fruits.

As of today I'm able to move on to the more liberal second phase of the diet, incorporating dairy, grain and fruit back in the diet.  I considered staying on phase one long enough to lose a substantial amount of weight (like about 30-40lbs) before the end of the year.  But I wanted to make sure I was getting the proper nutrition too, so I've decided two weeks on and two weeks off should give me the progress I want and the nutrition I need. 

Fortunately, this is the kind of diet that allows this kind of freedom.  It also allows for the days when we do allow ourselves things we shouldn't have (like on my birthday this Friday and Thanksgiving next week), saying that you can always detoxify your body with one to two weeks back on phase one to undo any damage you might have done.

I'll keep you updated how it goes.  We'll know on Saturday, which is weigh in day.  Unfortunately it falls right after my Friday night badness LOL  That will be the true test.

The South Beach Diet #1

A little today on the diet I've chosen to follow to lose my weight.  I never really wanted to go on any low carb diets because I have a passionate love affair for breads, pastas and sweet stuff (Krispy Kreme donuts leave me in ecstatic glee).  I resisted the high protein, high fat Atkins diet, even though someone I personally know lost about 80lbs or more in about 9 months. 

Unfortunately I do have gallbladder problems so I can't eat a high fat diet even if I wanted to.  So when I found the South Beach Diet, it sounded like a more sensible, and more practical (at least for me) diet.

The first two weeks are severely restricted.  You can't eat any sugars, including fruits or fruit juices.  You can't have any bread, pasta, potatoes, etc.  You can eat eggs, even though I'm not a big fan of eggs.  I discovered Egg Beaters not too long ago in one of my many fat restricted diets and I really prefer them over real eggs.  They don't leave the aftertaste regular eggs do. 

You can't have any dairy to speak of but you can have lowfat cheeses, which are one of the rare foods that don't add carbs to make up for fat in their processing.  It's a good thing, I love cheese.

You can have unlimited veggies except for the high carb ones like carrots and corn.  You are limited in how many tomatoes you can consume, but I rarely eat tomatoes so it's not that big of a deal for me.

Standing Outside the Fire

Over the weekend I had a music buffet.  I get in those moods sometimes.  I'll shut off the TV and just blast the music as loud as I can stand it.  As long as I can remember music has played a big part in my development, and there's nothing quite like finding a song that describes your mood, your experiences, or your life to a T. 

I actually have the video to Standing Outside the Fire, and if you've never seen it, you should.  It's about a boy with Downs Syndrome who attempts to run a regular race for his high school.  The core theme of the song is if you don't jump in the middle of the fire you're going to miss truly living.  You can't watch, protected and safe from the sidelines.  The Rose by Bette Midler also touches on this theme with the line, "[It's] the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live".

Though I had heard the song many times, even used SOTF as a theme to one of my projects (I tend to find a musical theme to base my inspiration on), I never really internalized it until yesterday. 

I've been using the excess weight sort of as an asbestos suit to keep me protected from the flames of living.  I don't meet people or go places out of stark fear of being rejected or ridiculed.  I don't chase after my lofty dreams because I'm too afraid that the weight will be what ruins my chances (which I think is really kind of a cop out - maybe I'm not as confident in my abilities as I'd like to think).  Instead I sit on my big rear end and dream of what it would be like if I could shed the pounds and reach all the goals I had planned.

Then I hear the line, "Life is not tried, it's just merely survived if you're standing outside the fire."  And suddenly something clicked.  Here I am so afraid of death that I have been missing my chance to live.  Millions of people with obstacles far worse than I have wake each day with enthusiasm and gusto ready to take the world by the horns.  And there's nothing, absolutely nothing, stopping me from doing the same.

So I think I need to incorporate a goal into my day where in some way I step closer to that fire.  Maybe it will burn my pinky toe clean off, but I'm tired of surviving.

It's time to start living.

Introduction

Greetings.

I'm a little nervous about starting a journal simply because I'm normally not the kind of person who opens up readily.  I created a website regarding a very personal and private issue, but I hadn't yet sent it out to the world.  That's kinda what this journal is for.  Another way to account for myself so that I won't jump off the wagon again.

My main goal is weight loss.  Not a little weight loss.  We're talking another healthy human being weight loss. When I go out in the world, the weight is unavoidable - not just to the people who wish I'd disappear but for me too, wishing at least half of me would disappear.  So I turned to the internet and hid behind the anonymity of cyberspace, finding out I'm really a nice person, an enjoyable character who can entertain and be liked regardless what the outside looks like.

So my main goal is to bring that person outside and get rid of the shy fat girl who keeps her hidden.  My more extensive journal entries that delve a bit deeper will be on the website: A Brand New Me.  Here I'll try to be much more abbreviated.

Another goal I wish to accomplish is to sell my writing.  I've accomplished a lot of writing over the years but never really pursued getting published.  But rather than dream about it I'm going to put it all out there for good or ill and see what happens.

Toward both ends I've started this journal so that I can be accountable.  If you run across this journal and I haven't made an entry telling you what I'm doing, feel free to email me a nice reprimand. 

Also, I'm using the South Beach Diet as my weight management system, and in eleven days I've lost ten pounds.  I'm excited - but nervous.  Ten, twenty or even thirty pounds doesn't seem like much in the face of the weight I want to lose, but, like I will go into detail about in the next few days, I've learned that all we really have is this moment and I have to live that as honestly, bravely and heathily as possible.

So, if you're interested in my journey and wish to return I'll be glad to share it all with you.  If you also have weight loss goals you wish to share and sort of have a buddy system in place, I'm your girl.  Hopefully my entries will motivate someone (most of all me).

So, let me know what you think as we go along. 

I'm ready.  Are you?