My night was spent trying to work out the revelations of yesterday. There were tears, there was a lot of yelling, there were threats, (no physical violence though, Steven's just lucky they don't sell twig trimmers within walking distance) - a lot of drinking (too much drinking) and hopefully, a resolution.
What I demanded of Steven was complete honesty. The journal entries he did were all on his own. I didn't ask him to confess all those things, that was something he willingly did. Hopefully it's indicative of the changes he's willing to consider - such as therapy for his sexual addictions.
When I wrote my Valentine's Day entry I did bring up how much I've taken him for granted, and that's especially true since Dan died. When Dan died, the worst had already happened, so I was able to love him more fully than I was able to love Steven - just because Steven could still leave and take my heart with him. This stems from my severe abandonment issues. This is no way, shape or form excuses what Steven did. He could have been more honest and forthcoming with me and didn't have to resort to what may have constituted nothing more than harmless flirting.
However, I know how these things go. Adultry begins with a thought. Once you open yourself up to the thought of it, the rest is a whole lot easier to rationalize.
I guess what hurts the most is the feeling that I will never be enough for anyone. Even with Dan there were indiscretions (on both of our parts to be honest), and other men before that. This has been a pattern all my life, and the only common denominator is me. So when things like this happen, it is a direct hit to my already faltering self esteem. What's wrong with me? Why am I not enough?
But these are things I need to work out too. Just like my issues about God and religion that have kept me from darkening church doors lately. Steven was a brand new baby Christian and I've basically led all my family from the pack even when my kids ask me when we're going to go back to church. Sadly, we live almost directly across the street from one. This is the extent of my phobia. But that's an entry for the website - it's much to complicated to work out with a 2500 character limit.
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4 comments:
Dear Gin,
God has healed many horrible situations. Sometimes these awful things are used to make marriages stronger & change people (Steven) where they are. I hope this will be your case. You and Steven are in my prayers. {{{Ginger}}}
Maybe he would be willing to consider having a joint screen name, giving up the other screen name completely. Sonny & I share ours together because neither of us have a thing to hide. He had his private screen name and now he never uses it. I was the one who created this as I wanted him to know I had nothing to hide and he was ALWAYS welcome to see what I write. I LOVE when he reads my writing and offers such support. Anyway, it's a suggestion to help him keep honest.
Just remember, even Halle Berry got cheated on. THat's what helped me to not blame myself when my ex husband cheated on me.
Ginger:
I have been reading your journals, and I just want to say that you are a sensitive, kind, giving person, and I hope you don't lose sight of that with all that's happened. You are inspiring and positively affecting so many people... That, in itself, is enormous!! I have a feeling that your husband's deal had very little to do with you, and much more to do with him and his demons. Keep your head high, and stay as strong as you obviously are! Sara
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