Pruning a Spiritual Garden

Yesterday I brought up how I needed to break the bondage I've lived my whole life under, and that's one of low self worth.  It dawned on me that many times as I started to move into a place of success, I would be drawn to those personalities that would perpetrate the myth that I was subhuman.  It seemed there was always someone in my life who made me feel this way, it started with religion so long ago, was perpetrated by my family, then my first husband, then finally, my former employer.

And it's her I want to discuss today, because as I was doing my bible study God really worked on me on all the bitterness and animosity I still hold towards this individual.  My journal entry "You're a Joke and You Always Will Be" was in regards to this woman, and really, the title alone should show you the emotional abuse I endured while associated with her.  These were her words to me, along with a whole long stream of other insults and put downs that I swallowed.

At the time I went to work for her, I was really deep in my faith.  After my son passed in 1995, I really found my comfort and my solace in my Christian faith - and I was very devoted.  At the time I got this job with her, I got another job and God was working mightily in my finances by giving me a position I was not trained for, but got me away from the fast food industry where I had all my job experience. 

God put me there for a reason, probably to work His will in her life and help transform her.  Instead the devil worked through my old deep seated insecurities and it transformed me, for the worse.  It took several years, but my faith took a real beating and I was a shadow of the strong person of faith I was when I began working for her.

And I reacted to her the way most people with such horrible self esteems deal with abusers.  First I bought into her lies and became a mousy robot whose first words whenever she began her harrassment was "I'm sorry".  Then she brought more people into the office who showed me the problem wasn't me, it was her.  My anger and resentment began to grow, but instead of standing up to her (which I only did when I lost my temper, and she accused me of fighting "unfairly" because I always brought up past history when I let her have it), I became passive aggressive.  Instead of giving my all on the job, I skated by with minimal effort.  I indulged office gossip and talked trash with all my coworkers about her.  I even fell into a pattern of entitlement which encouraged me to go against what I knew was right, and I'd lie and even at one point in time "borrowed" petty cash as short term loans before payday.  I always put the money back, but I never asked her for it so technically it is stealing.  To my mind though, it was okay to use her to make my life easier since she made it her mission in life to make my life hell.

All of these things are not my nature, and certainly not the Christ like nature I was trying to develop when I worked for her.  And I began to resent her mightly.  Whenever I tried to take a step forward she was right there to knock me back to my subhuman place.  And I bought it, the whole nine yards.  I was so afraid to look for another job because I believed what she told me, that she was doing me some big favor and I was more a pain in her backside than a good worker.  Never mind that I worked for her for four years until *I* quit, and I started the job at $6 an hour and ended at $11 an hour.  Pretty good for such a subhuman, horrible worker I thought.

When time came for a promotion in the office to office manager, she gave the position to a worker who had just started, which annoyed me.  I knew all the positions and I had the longest tenure with her.  God knows I trained all the assistants she ran off within weeks or months of employment.  But she gave it to this new gal because she had a master's degree.  So I thought, fine.  I'll go back to college then.  She actually talked me out of it when I told her my plans, telling me that her college degree didn't mean anything because she wasn't even working in that field.

This was par for the course.

Anyway, by the time I quit work for her I ended up in a business agreement with her (I know, stupid) that lasted about six months before I just couldn't handle this chick anymore.  I had just met Steven and he was teaching me everything I'd always believed about myself (being subhuman) was totally wrong.  I had a right to be happy.  This didn't gel with her treatment of me, so the conflict was more than my fragile emotional state could take at the time.  I fell apart.  I was supposed to sell photos for her on ebay, and I just stopped.  I mean stopped.  I shoved all the boxes of her slide material in a corner and wouldn't even look at it.  I couldn't.  Seeing her material, even her name in print, caused me physical pain.  I couldn't hear her voice, I most certainly couldn't see her face, I just couldn't deal with this woman one more moment or it would have been the end of me. 

It wasn't the right way to handle it.  Months went past and I hid from the situation just because I couldn't handle it.  I went to work at a shop in the mall for minimum wage and refused to acknowlege ebay or this woman even in my thoughts.  It was bad.  I screwed up. 

This was in November.  In March, this woman sued me for what she worded as me using our "friendship" to convince her into an endeavor I never had any intentions of fulfilling, despite the fact I'd worked that business for six months.  I wasn't frauding anyone.  I ended it very badly, but my intentions were never to take advantage of her.  My only intention, which turned out to be just as inconceivable, was hopefully as a business equal she'd finally treat me like a human being.  But on subhuman status I remained.

Anyway I returned all her material at that point in hopes to avoid the lawsuit (which was over $1 million).  I ended up getting zapped for her legal fees for $4000, which took me from 2000 - 2003 to pay off.  And God forbid if I was even a day or so late.  Her letters were threatening, and her treatment of me continued to perpetuate the myth how useless I was, and how much of a screwup I was.

Finally when I paid off this money in August of last year, I felt like I was free.  Then, like clockwork, she returned again this year to accuse my sister and I of stealing her photos to sell on ebay.  I told her that we would never consider doing such a thing, mostly because we already have 8 photographers and don't need her material, but the biggest reason is we don't want anything to do with her.  At all.  Anymore.  She also threatened to sue me again, and I told her she had no reason to sue me as I was no responsible for my sister's business.  That prompted the insult in the subject line of my other entry.

Anyway, I realized today as I was doing my study that I have never forgiven this woman for the years of abuse I endured.  I've never really forgiven myself either.  Today God worked through Hisword that if I want to see my faith manifest greatly in my life, I have to forgive her as God forgave me. 

In The Message translation of the Bible, the exact words were: "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up.  You're kingdom subjects.  Now live like it.  Live out your God-created identity.  Live generously and graciously twoard other, the way God lives toward you."*

Owwie.

I've been holding onto this bitterness and animosity because it reaffirms the lie that I'm subhuman and I don't deserve to be happy.  The reason her comments hurt, or her abuse was so detrimental is because it hit on all those things I always believed about myself.  That I'm no good.  On my very first encounter with her in my interview I told her I was on welfare and she said to me that my being on welfare made her nervous because she had a lot of expensive stuff in her home where'd I would be working.  Instead of standing up and saying that she had no right to make that judgment on me that I was a thief just because I was on public aid, I actually did my best to convince her to hire me because I could be trusted.

She always considered me a thief, long before the petty cash incident.  Things would come up missing after we had more than just me in the office, but it was me she'd point the finger at.  So maybe that was part of my motivation to borrow petty cash money.  I was already convicted of the crime, why not take advantage of it?  All the other gals didn't really even blink an eye when they did it, so I allowed myself to be deceived it wasn't that big of a deal.

That was who I was then.  I didn't stand strong against her abuse when I should have, and that was wrong.  But I can tell you what I know now.  I know I'm not subhuman.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I'm NOT a thief, I know I'm NOT a liar and I know I deserve to be happy.  I am NOT a joke.

And toward that goal I'm going to do what I never could before, and with God's help I'll succeed.  I'm going to forgive her.  I'm going to set all that bitterness and resentment free.  I'm not going to hang on to the past as ammo to use against her in hatred, I'm going to set it all free.  It's a noose around my neck and it's time for it to go.

*Matthew 5:44-48

Calories: 1831 / 19%
Sodium: 2778mg
Calcium: 1488mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: walked 2 miles, ride bike 15 mins, Pilates

RED means I went over goal
*Projected