Done in by the Trail Mix

I would have made my caloric goal today but I got a little too Trail Mix Happy.  It wasn't bad, I only missed it by some 60 calories.  Nothing like the Chinese Buffet Fiasco.

The good news is the sodium is way WAYYYYYY down.  I didn't even crack 2000mg.  That's almost unheard of.  And that was with replacing two meals with Lean Cuisines. 

And I'm on water bottle number five.  That's right, five.  I've already worn a path between here and the bathroom.  Yellow is a foreign color to me today, and that's all I'm going to say about that. 

So hopefully, even though I couldn't do my lowcal week before my weigh in, I'll see some kind of loss tomorrow.  God knows I've lost about three pounds in water alone today.

We walked the longer route today because it was cloudy.  Without the sun beating down on you it doesn't seem as hot.  We do have an alternate plan to walk at the mall if it's too hot to make it to the park.  It's all about making the day a success instead of getting caught up in the future.

I had it right when I was doing it that way, don't know why I lost sight of it.  Another journalist started dealing with why she sabotages herself in losing weight, asking herself what Dr. Phil suggests we need to ask ourselves - "Why do I allow myself to remain overweight?"

Maybe that's what is happening.  Good things start happening and I start to withdraw, somehow believing that I don't deserve to be thinner, healthier, happier.  It's really hard to get rid of the weight not just because of the physical but the emotional as well.  I know I've used my weight as an excuse not to try.  I've also used my weight to keep people repelled away from me.  I've used the excuses that being overweight provided, and how do I manage without my lifelong crutch?

People might want to get close to me and that scares me.  I might actually have to emerge from these four walls and integrate myself back into the world, and that scares me too. 

Is this why I gave up without really giving up?  I was going through the motions, but my heart wasn't in it.  The fire was out, I no longer felt the urgent need to lose weight or I'd die - which was the entire reason I started this journey to begin with.

Life got in the way.  I let life get in the way.  There's no excuses for not meeting my caloric orexercise goals.  I just quit, without really quitting.  And the weight loss is my prime indicator of that.  I stagnated or I gained, all as direct proof my heart had gone out of my journey. 

I have to put my heart back into it.  And what's most important is I have to stop living my life in fear.  I've been afraid to die, but afraid to live at the same time.  Like that song "The Rose" says, "It's the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live".  Hello, that's me.

So I'm going to use my journal in the upcoming weeks to deal with my fear.  I know in my logical mind if I fear something and just do it anyway, the fear is the worst of it.  It's time for me to stop being such a chicken.  I only have this one life to live and I've wasted too much of it being afraid to live it.

You're going to watch a lot of growing pains.  I'm scared to death to do it, because I do have a fear of not being "perfect" (we'll go over that here soon), I hate letting my faults and vulnerability hang out for the world to see.  BUT, here again, I know the fear of it is so much worse than actually doing it. 

Here's where I grow that nerve I mentioned in the Journal description.  I'm not ready.  But I know if I wait to be ready, I'll never get there.  It's time to step out of the boat and have faith I won't sink.

Calories: 1963 / 27% fat
Sodium: 1754mg
Water: 96oz & counting
Exercise: Walked 2 miles