I have made a huge mistake. I've concentrated on the physical aspects of this weight loss journey, even the emotional aspects of this journey - but one I've consistantly neglected has been the spiritual aspect of my journey.
It dawned on me today that my weight loss is a bondage. It's just as much of a bondage as drug addiction, alcoholism, or any other destructive behavior. This is a burden, this weight is a chain around my feet keeping me bound, keeping me imprisoned in a life of fear and a life of low self esteem, burying me alive under pounds of fat.
In other words, it's not God's will for my life. I believe that Jesus came so that we could have life and have it abundantly. I also believe that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. And I already know where being obese has gotten me in my life. It sure hasn't been living, not to mention abundantly.
I've been miserable, buying into this lie that I'm not worth having a full life that includes people who love me for me, prosperity, health and peace. Peace is the most important thing - the peace of knowing exactly who I am and being delivered from the judgment of the world. When I go out in the world and I feel the stares or hear the comments, there's no peace. There's me running back into my house and hiding because those comments hurt.
Why do they hurt? Because I believe them. I believe it. Someone I love compliments me, I don't believe it. A stranger insults me, and I take it to the grave. Surely they're right. Surely I'm trash. Surely I'm stupid, lazy, ugly, disgusting.
And all of that is my mistake. For listening to the wrong influence. You know that devil on one shoulder/angel on the other shoulder scenario? It's not so far from the truth, we all have two voices that speak to us, one negative and one positive. And guess who I was giving all the power to?
I'll give you a hint. Red suit and horns.
Why would I do that? Why would I forget who I am, who God created me to be? THIS is the source of my conflict with this weight loss journey. Somewhere, deep down, underneath the fear of failure (and the fear of success), underneath the excuses, is that sad confused person buying every lie that negative voice is telling her. That I'm not good enough. That I'm a failure. That I've never been thin before, I surely won't make it now. That even if I do lose weight I'll be exposed for being a half human who is so underaccomplished that everyone will laugh at me anyway. That I'll never be good enough.
And it's all a big fat lie. I AM good enough. I deserve to be thin. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to succeed. God didn't punish me by making me fat, He wasn't picking on me, He wasn't proving to me how insignificant I was by making me a subhuman (and that's how being overweight makes me feel - society confirms the inner voice that tells me this by exhaulting physical beauty as the ultimate accomplishment).
Lies, lies, lies. LIES.
So no more. I'm going to research the scriptures on bondage to find out how to break through this horrible self talk that serves to sabotage all the hard work I've put into being healthy.
The very first day we went to this new church the pastor gave us a scripture on hope that spoke to me. Mostly because I had taken Dan's bible to church with me, and as I referenced this scripture, Daniel had underlined it. That, to me, was an ultimate sign. I don't believe in coincidences, just so you know. I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and when events intersect like this it's for a bigger purpose. Anyway, I noticed today in my own bible that I also had underlined this scripture. I'm thinking Someone is trying to tell me something.
Today I listened.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
It's not God's will for me to remain in this bondage of weight, whose root is my own insecurity of who I am and who God wants me to be. And no longer will I be led astray by a liar who tells me otherwise.
Calories: 1884 / 35% fat
Sodium: 3633mg
Calcium: 1375mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: Took today as a rest day instead
RED means I went over goal
4 comments:
Ginger ... AMEN! I couldn't have said it better myself. I have been reading your journal for about a week now. Your perseverance is fantastic, your insight is deep. Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorites too. I'm looking forward to continuing to follow your journey.
Ginger, there is a wonderful book (yeah, I know everyone has a book suggestion-remember, I've been down a couple of roads myself! hehe) Seriously, it's written by T.D. Jakes. It' called, "Woman, Thou Art Loosed!". I have not had some of the traumatic situations happen to me that are described but I know you have. I did relate to the "rejection" feelings in the book however. The book was a great tool in my walk. Wish you could have watched "Joyce Meyer's" show last week! It was SO up our alley!! They were discussing food (how bad our American foods are) and depression, PMS, and several of the plagues we women face. Danny & I have made a comittment to eating healthier (organic when we can get it), no take out foods (only rarely), pure water, extra vitamins, minerals, herbs to help heal and restore! It's been interesting to feel a difference. I will try to find that Joyce Meyer show and see if I can get copies, cuz I would like to have one too!
Love you,
Jeannie
Ginger: There is much "Kismet" I cannot discuss just now, but perhaps in time..... For now, I want to stress again you are minor not the problem in your weight gain. The food environment is. Again, I will reference the book, Sugar Blues. Sugar has been pushed on Americans just like dope. It has addicted us and fattened us as surely as cattle. The providers just laugh and pocket the money. Yes pleasure is one thing, but addiction is something much different. Today, independently of me you have arrived at a conclusion: we are in bondage (I go so far as to call it slavery) to the fat. 2 things to that: 1. The truth will set you free; 2. Seek and you shall find. God bless you and all the readers/seekers.
I needed that verse today. Thanks! DB
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