Whenever you put your life out there for mass consumption you run the risk of being criticized or judged for how you conduct yourself. Growing up in an intensely critical household, this was a big step for me to come and share my life, my journal and in particular all the disappointments or times I fell short with the world. There were times I second guessed sharing so much, but then I have to remind myself that the reason this journal is such an asset to my journey is that I'm unflinchingly honest. Not just when I break down and eat a Whataburger, but anything and everything that affects an emotional overeater like myself to conquer her addictive behavior.
My husband Steven has a lot of the same issues that I have, and hasn't quite embraced journaling as the tool it could be - but he has made some huge strides. No one is more shocked than I am about his brutal honest approach to his own failings. I have to be honest here and tell you that I'm not sure I could do what he's done. He's laid all of his faults on the line without really pointing out what he's done that's good. He struggles with some issues, it's true. It's why he is in therapy, it's why we're doing a lot of work behind the scenes of these journals to renegotiate our relationship in such a way that neither one of us has to lose who we are for the other person. Because I don't believe that's what love is about. And it may end up we won't even stay together even though we do love each other and want it to work. Right now it's a work in progress. But then again, so are both of us.
We had a breakthrough the other night that as this journey continues, I'm not the same person that I was and that directly affects my relationship and how Steven reacts to the relationship. These are things that I haven't brought to the table because I am working them out with Steven directly. As was the whole poker/gambling thing - which is why I never brought it up even though I knew about it before he posted his journal entry about it. That entry wasn't to appease me, but to deal with the issue he felt he needed to address in his journal that day. It took a great deal of courage to post it when he didn't have to, and to me it showed he really is making the effort to live a more honest life - not just for me but for himself.
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2 comments:
Ginger: I agree, it takes incredible courage to go public like this. The clear magic of this journey of yours (from this perspective) is the honesty on everybody's part, including the "audience." I believe both of you have been instruments of improvement for one another (and-- in publicly so doing--for us too!) :-). Thank you both for sharing! (Looks like Steven is officially coming out of the doghouse--even Winston's been doing better than Steven!-- and if I read it right, he pee'd!)
I know this is hard, I'm in the same weight loss struggle, and I'm also struggling in my own relationship. I read your journal every time you post, it inspires me. Keep it up and don't be so hard on yourself. ---Leslie
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