Monday, March 1, 2004

Today was a BUST

I went off the wagon today, but not as much as I could have.  Still, my goals were shot to hell.  It was a deprivation day.  I have been wrestling with the concept for a while now, and today it just hit me harder than it usually does.  I think it's all pent up.  I'm a little concerned that I won't be able to keep to my low sodium committment considering it's just so complicated to find something to eat.  This feels a lot more restrictive than it did a week ago. 

Plus I'm still dealing with other emotional issues.  I won't bore you with them here but suffice it to say I'm feeling a lot of resentment.  Steven's crime of opportunity really brought home how much I've changed since we met.  I don't feel as independent, I feel like I rely too much on everyone else and that just royally SUCKS.  I'm not the kind of person who depends on other people, I like to stand on my own two feet.  I'll fight my way kicking and screaming to make it on my own rather than ask for help.  Pride may be part of it, but I'm not completely convinced it is all of it.  Trust is at the core.  If you depend on people, you open yourself up to get hurt, to be let down.  And for me to trust anyone with that is a big deal.

Unfortunately now that my trust in Steven has been shaken, it really hit my security hard.  So I don't want to rely on him anymore.  I don't want to rely on anyone.  And sadly I'm in the position where I have to do just that - for now.  And today I burst through that coccoon damned if I'd let anything stand between me and what I want.

Including my goals.  But I'm not going to beat myself up.  The only way this defeats my ultimate goal is if I let this destructive behavior continue, which I don't plan to do.  Today is a new day - I will succeed.  It's time to channel destructive emotion into productive action.  One thing's for sure.  I know I'm strong enough to make it work.  I am stronger than one bad day.

Calories: 2596, fat 35%

Sodium: 4240

Water: 49oz

6 comments:

nightjourney said...

Hi, Just found you and your husband Steve and will be visiting you often to see how you are doing. You will become a daily visitor in my home and my life. You stay tough and keep up the good work. It is not easy but nothing good in life is. I found Cardia salt powder in Puritans Pride that you can buy for $3.00 and it tastes like salt and may be of help to you when cooking at home. Could look into it. product # 63465. May be of help...blessings rae

sjburgess51 said...

Well dog gonnit Gin, some days are just hard. So you hit a snag, look how small it is in the fabric of life. You can expect to have some ups and downs but don't let the downs keep you down. I am here rooting for you! :)
PS ... I like your new friend "NightJourney", she sounds like our kinda gal!

supersahmof3 said...

I understand what you are going through its hard when the trust is broken. My Bob shook my trust in him like 5 years ago, Things are better now but I still think about it from time to time.

I am also trying to lose weight and find your journal very helpfull! I have one too..

http://journals.aol.com/supersahmof3/KarensOnlineBlog

I hope to use this journal to help me stay on track and to meet others on the same path as I am.

*Karen*

drgnflyjwls said...

Been struggling myself, Gin. Be strong. You really help me to find strength when I need it. I hope you have those around you who do the same for you.

Back to the treadmill today after 2 days off!!

Julie

ivorygrace7 said...

All you can do is just keep on truckin'. One bad day does not a failure make! Think about how far you have come in your weight loss already!

--Jacqueline

journey2sarah said...

Ginger: (boy, get busy working late and look what happens if I skip watching!)
I thought you lost a lot of weight not even realizing about the salt? If you need convenience to function go ahead but also try to learn other ways (I use a home meal sealer--cook up extra batch, "bank" it in the freezer!). This is part of your journey; the Steven stuff is too big! Focus. Time will settle it as you get more and more gorgeous. Jack up the water/exercisers need more salt.