I went off the wagon today, but not as much as I could have. Still, my goals were shot to hell. It was a deprivation day. I have been wrestling with the concept for a while now, and today it just hit me harder than it usually does. I think it's all pent up. I'm a little concerned that I won't be able to keep to my low sodium committment considering it's just so complicated to find something to eat. This feels a lot more restrictive than it did a week ago.
Plus I'm still dealing with other emotional issues. I won't bore you with them here but suffice it to say I'm feeling a lot of resentment. Steven's crime of opportunity really brought home how much I've changed since we met. I don't feel as independent, I feel like I rely too much on everyone else and that just royally SUCKS. I'm not the kind of person who depends on other people, I like to stand on my own two feet. I'll fight my way kicking and screaming to make it on my own rather than ask for help. Pride may be part of it, but I'm not completely convinced it is all of it. Trust is at the core. If you depend on people, you open yourself up to get hurt, to be let down. And for me to trust anyone with that is a big deal.
Unfortunately now that my trust in Steven has been shaken, it really hit my security hard. So I don't want to rely on him anymore. I don't want to rely on anyone. And sadly I'm in the position where I have to do just that - for now. And today I burst through that coccoon damned if I'd let anything stand between me and what I want.
Including my goals. But I'm not going to beat myself up. The only way this defeats my ultimate goal is if I let this destructive behavior continue, which I don't plan to do. Today is a new day - I will succeed. It's time to channel destructive emotion into productive action. One thing's for sure. I know I'm strong enough to make it work. I am stronger than one bad day.
Calories: 2596, fat 35%