It was an eye opener to realize that I wasn't the same person I was a mere few months ago, directly due to the fact I've lost 58lbs. That person is not the same person that Steven met or even married. And it won't be the same person I'll be when I lose 50 more lbs or even meet my weight loss goal.
I think what I have found most is by taking away the weight I'm taking away the numbness that armor provided. When I get hurt now I feel it and I have to address it. This is my biggest growing pain, because it hasn't quite gelled yet that I'm worth more than that. Bottom line, I was afraid to take risks. I used being fat as an excuse to skate by without having to do the work that could make my life what I always knew it could be.
In fact I've sheltered myself away for so long to minimize the damage social contact could cause and what I've done is imprisoned not just me, but my family. It's no wonder they're acting out the way they have.
So I need to make a conscious effort to embrace these risks. Life is not truly living without it. And that's one of the big reasons I decided to get serious and lose the weight anyway. As much as I'd like to pass on the responsibility for things that have gone on recently, I have to realize I do have a part to play. It all takes work.
We fall in love by chance, but we keep in love by action. I have to make life a verb.
Calories: 1913 / 13% fat
Sodium: 2656mg
Water: 69oz
Exercise: ab toner
7 comments:
Ginger: there is so much going on, focus! If you have public transportation--start using it immediately-; get out; think of it as therapy. Also consider employing a walkman--the public is scary sometimes for any woman. Mostly, you need a cheap car ($400) to get you from point A to B and an emergency cellphone if you do not have one ($15/mo--Verizon--pay as you go). If Steven is mechanically able he can keep it going until better is available. Do you work now? If you care to say.
Wow! This sounds so much like me...afraid to take risks and isolating myself! Thanx for the encouragement and keep up the good work!!!
--Jacqueline
Wow Gin! Your entries are deep. You're doing so well delving into those dark recesses. It sounds to me that you're coming out bright & shining. As always, you've hit on a few of my own inner problems & have continued to inspire me.
Thank you for staying on your journey through the bad as well as good days.
{{Julie}}
I read all three of your last entries and must say it is refreshing to see such candor in your words. I too understand the imprisonment of fear and have been using my journal as a jailer's key to both unlock and free myself from my own mental cell.The first step for any improvement is acknowledgement and I feel you have covered that so well. Your journal continues to be inspiring. All the best to you and your family.~RC~
Bravo! This is your best entry yet! I, too, numbed myself with food for years,pacifying myself because of various circumstances I was so unhappy about, instead of taking the risks and saying this has got to stop. I myself have been journaling for years now. It's been a long painful "Journey To Me", but I finally ''woke up from my sleep of death" as I think of it. And am determined to love myself enough to make the needed changes. DB
Geevie, don't forget that as you lose weight, you'll be colder, too... no more insulation! :(
This is for Perry's comment below: WOW! That's so powerful!!! "Sleep of Death." That really moved me. Thank you. Blessings and a hug to you for having the courage/insight to share.
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