I survived my first professional read

Today I got back the notes on my first draft of My Immortal.  He was blunt and gave me very honest notes, but overall it was very positive.  His exact words were "Ultimately, I think you have much potential, but you need to take more chances with your writing."

I think the most important boost to my ego came when he gave the script a "consider" recommendation.  He pointed out all the things that he felt needed work, and at the very bottom he had the option to either give it a pass, a consider or a recommendation.  In the "biz" consider or recommend mean you go past the reader and to a development exec, so it's a big deal.  This was essentially a first draft written in a week, and it rated a "consider", even though he had some trouble with the execution.  I was so worried that the notes would make me question my ability and or talent, instead it's reaffirmed it. 

I sent a couple of my scripts to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences today (the Oscars people), for their annual Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship competition.  About 6000+ scripts are sent in each year, and those 6000+ are then whittled down to a mere 300, which advance as quarterfinalists.  It's a pretty big deal if you can advance, and I've heard that agents then contact YOU instead of you begging to speak to them.  So please say a prayer of agreement that whatever God wants to happen with this will happen, if you're so inclined.  Normally I get really depressed that I don't advance (this is year #3), but I feel okay today.  I feel like I've I've done all I can do, and it's up to The Big Guy from here on out.  And I've decided whatever He decides is fine by me.  He's given me this talent for a reason, so I'm just going to have faith that He will direct the path.

So the day had its share of good news.  The bad news is I was done in by a McDonalds baked apple pie.  Steven, trying to be dear because of the horrible few days I've had being sick, brought home an apple pie last night and of course, I folded to tempation.  Thankfully I only ate one of the two pies he bought (because of the great bargain to get 2 for $1, instead of 1 for like 80 cents.).  But needless to say by the time dinner time rolled around tonight, I needed a bit more than my calories allowed, and since I went over with dinner I treated myself to an apple.  So my caloric goals were blown.

I'm also off the exercise horse... but then again I don't feel 100% just yet.  I did a lot of work today and I had to keep taking breaks because I was just exhausted.  I hate being sick.

Tomorrow is weigh in.  My home scale is showing the same weight, so we'll see if that translates to the GNC scale tomorrow.  If there's no change I will probably use next week to go on the 1400 - 1500 restricted diet just to jump start things.  I'll let you know what the goals are tomorrow night.

Calories: 2066 / 19%
Sodium: 3024mg
Calcium: 1504mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

In dealing with unraveling the chains I've always kept myself bound with, I have discovered that at the root of every chain is fear.

I'm a tough chick.  I've gone through some really tough stuff and I've always endured and survived.  If I ever got into a battle of survival, I'm pretty confident I could hold my own.  Living with Daniel back in the day taught me a lot and I think I could totally kick some butt and take some names if the need be.

Yet if I'm truly honest with myself, I live my life totally afraid of everything.  I'm petrified to meet people and talk to them, my self esteem and body esteem so low that I worry about everything from my breath to my conversational skills.  For all the words I spew here with no effort at all, I clam up when in person.  I'm so afraid of appearing stupid that I just don't say anything at all.

I walk with my head down, I rarely meet people in the eye.  I avoid situations where I have to meet new people, even when it involves going to the school for parent teacher conferences.  I hide behind Steven like I used to hide behind Dan (and Dan was just as introverted as I am).  Even in church when everyone is instructed to go around and introduce themselves, I park it quick and only speak when spoken to.

I used to be so wrapped up in fear I would hesitate going out in public at all.  I still have problems with wondering what people are saying or thinking about me where it bugs me and makes me feel self conscious.  Over on the Richard Simmons board they were all amazed I could weigh myself on a public scale - I can't even tell you how hard that was to do the first time, and how self conscious I still feel when I do it even now. 

I'm so afraid of speaking to new people that I can't do things that are important to my career as a screenwriter.  I'm afraid to call the development departments of prodcos, or call agencies, to talk about and pitch my ideas, I sit back and do stuff that requires as minimal input as possible (like the upcoming contests).  I don't meet people and network, which is also important.  I don't make "the move" to LA because I'm too afraid of competing in the job market there that we'd end up impoverished just like last time.  Interviewing or selling myself?  Forget it. 

I'm afraid of failure.  In the same respect I'm afraid of success.  I'm afraid to take risks, but I'm afraid of missed opportunities. 

I'm also a fraidy cat when it comes to tangible things like amusement parks and swimming pools.  I had a very sheltered childhood where most of my time was spent by myself.  I don't know how to skate or swim or even dance.  I never went camping.  I finally made it to Disneyland when I was 26.  I've never climbed a tree, or did a lot of the activities other kids have done.  I learned how to ride a bike primarily because I taught myself.  I got tired of waiting for anyone to teach me, and my sister had left oen behind so I got that bike, went in the alley and taught myself how to ride.

And if I ever undertake anything, that's how I learn it.  On my own and by myself.  Because of all things I'm most afraid of not being perfect.  I never want to fall on my face in front of anyone.  If I do anything I want to excel right out of the gate.  

Sounds pretty depressing doesn't it?  It's not living, that's for sure.  I'm too afraid of living that I'm holed up inside myself with only my fears to comfort me.  There's a song by Lee Ann Womack called "I Hope You Dance", and one verse really got to me:

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.
Never settle for the path of least resistance.
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'.

I realized.  I have been sitting out on life.  You know that advice that says dance like no one is watching?  Even that doesn't apply to me because I don't even dance by myself.  No, I sit and watch the world do all the things I'm too bound by fear to even consider.  I am paralyzed by all these fears, and the condition is terminal.

Well, no more.  Dr. Martha Beck was on Oprah one day and said that we should "Feel the fear and do it anyway".  So my new goal, emotionally and spiritually, is to deliberately do things that scare me. 

The only person who has control to make me a "subhuman" living a "half life" is me.  And that's where the bondage must first break.

Toward that goal, this Sunday at church I'm going to get up and walk up to people, and introduce myself.  I won't lie to you, the very idea petrifies me.  But I'm going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

I'm also going to learn how to pitch my stories and over the next few months I'm going to purchase the directory that will tell me who to contact in H'wood so I can finally sell my stuff instead of wait around for this contest or that.

And finally, this summer I'm going to learn how to swim. 

But most importantly, I'm going to learn how to dance.

Calories: 1860 / 25% fat
Sodium: 2776mg
Calcium: 1258mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: Still down with UTI recovery

Beat Up from the Feet Up

Here's what happened.

Yesterday I started getting the twinges of a UTI.  You feel like you gotta go gotta go gotta go right now, but you don't, and it stings something awful.  I bought some over the counter pills to help stop the urges, I took them before and they worked great.

So yesterday when I felt the twinges, I thought... I'll just take a couple of pills and cut it off at the pass.  Any woman who's ever had a UTI knows that once it hits ya, you are in for some serious misery.

We got home from our walk, where I had really boogied around the track.  I was a little weak kneed and real glad to be sitting instead of standing, and really in need of some food, but holding out till dinner.  I grabbed a couple of those pills and only glimpsed at the back of the box to see how many I had to take.  I saw, Take two pills with water.  So I thought, no problem.  I'll just make sure I drink a lot of water.

I took the pills, went to work and then about a half hour later nausea hit.  I mean, like a lightning bolt it hit.  I figured, well I'm just hungry.  I've gone too long without food.  Dinner's almost ready so no big deal.

Halfway during dinner I know that I'm in trouble.  I'm still sick, and it's getting worse not better.  I finally tell Steven what's going on.  Worst of all the UTI pains were getting worse.  There was no rapid relief like last time.

I decided a cool bath was in order and when I went back in the bathroom I reread the back of that box, to make sure they hadn't expired or something.  That's when I saw the "and food" part of the instructions I missed before. 

The nausea lasted about four hours, and the UTI got so bad I couldn't lay down, I couldn't sit down, and I certainly couldn't stand.  Finally Steven went for some ice cream and that seemed to calm the acid war taking place in my stomach.  A little bit later I was able to eat something else and take two more pills, which did work this time. 

Finally around 4am I was able to go to sleep.  I woke up a little before 7am, with a stomach ache that would not be ignored.  Again I couldn't do anything to relieve the pain, it was sheer, constant discomfort.  I couldn't sleep that's for sure.  I finally resorted to hydrocodone around 9am, finally went to sleep around 10-10:30 and slept till three.

Now I just feel like I've been hit by a truck.  The nausea is gone, the stomach ache is gone and even the UTI pains are gone.  But boy oh boy do I feel like I've been rode hard and put up wet as we say down south.  So I gave myself the day off from exercise.  It just ain't happening. 

So again let me stress, if you ever read you have to take medicine with food... DO IT.  Oy.  I'm going to stumble through the rest of the work I have to do tonight and then go to bed. 

I'm plumb wore out.

Calories: 1884 / 26% fat
Sodium: 2709mg
Calcium: 1740mg
Water: working on 96oz
Exercise: None

I'm Feelin the Burrrrrrrnn

Today we burned up the park at 3.5 miles per hour, that is the fastest we've ever walked.

And I felt it too, man.  My legs were jelly by the time we were done.  I was sweating and really felt it.  I think that's a good thing, although at the time I thought I wasn't going to make it.

Good news is I weighed in today on my home scale and even though I remained the same pound wise, the fat percentage dropped by a total of 2% since the first time I weighed in on it.

I checked in on my BMI numbers today.  I started at a whopping 56.5 and have shaved it down to 46.6.  I have 16.6 to go before I leave obesity behind for mere "overweight". 

Baby steps.

***UPDATED - For the record, if you ever read you have to take a medicine with food, it's a good idea to do it.  I spent my entire evening sick as a DOG for forgetting that simple thing.  It wasn't pretty.  It also played hell with my goals.  Looking on to tomorrow...

Calories: 1839 / 16%
Sodium: 1727mg
Calcium: 1432mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: walk 2 miles, ride 15 mins, ab roller

RED means I did not meet goal
*Projected

Pruning a Spiritual Garden

Yesterday I brought up how I needed to break the bondage I've lived my whole life under, and that's one of low self worth.  It dawned on me that many times as I started to move into a place of success, I would be drawn to those personalities that would perpetrate the myth that I was subhuman.  It seemed there was always someone in my life who made me feel this way, it started with religion so long ago, was perpetrated by my family, then my first husband, then finally, my former employer.

And it's her I want to discuss today, because as I was doing my bible study God really worked on me on all the bitterness and animosity I still hold towards this individual.  My journal entry "You're a Joke and You Always Will Be" was in regards to this woman, and really, the title alone should show you the emotional abuse I endured while associated with her.  These were her words to me, along with a whole long stream of other insults and put downs that I swallowed.

At the time I went to work for her, I was really deep in my faith.  After my son passed in 1995, I really found my comfort and my solace in my Christian faith - and I was very devoted.  At the time I got this job with her, I got another job and God was working mightily in my finances by giving me a position I was not trained for, but got me away from the fast food industry where I had all my job experience. 

God put me there for a reason, probably to work His will in her life and help transform her.  Instead the devil worked through my old deep seated insecurities and it transformed me, for the worse.  It took several years, but my faith took a real beating and I was a shadow of the strong person of faith I was when I began working for her.

And I reacted to her the way most people with such horrible self esteems deal with abusers.  First I bought into her lies and became a mousy robot whose first words whenever she began her harrassment was "I'm sorry".  Then she brought more people into the office who showed me the problem wasn't me, it was her.  My anger and resentment began to grow, but instead of standing up to her (which I only did when I lost my temper, and she accused me of fighting "unfairly" because I always brought up past history when I let her have it), I became passive aggressive.  Instead of giving my all on the job, I skated by with minimal effort.  I indulged office gossip and talked trash with all my coworkers about her.  I even fell into a pattern of entitlement which encouraged me to go against what I knew was right, and I'd lie and even at one point in time "borrowed" petty cash as short term loans before payday.  I always put the money back, but I never asked her for it so technically it is stealing.  To my mind though, it was okay to use her to make my life easier since she made it her mission in life to make my life hell.

All of these things are not my nature, and certainly not the Christ like nature I was trying to develop when I worked for her.  And I began to resent her mightly.  Whenever I tried to take a step forward she was right there to knock me back to my subhuman place.  And I bought it, the whole nine yards.  I was so afraid to look for another job because I believed what she told me, that she was doing me some big favor and I was more a pain in her backside than a good worker.  Never mind that I worked for her for four years until *I* quit, and I started the job at $6 an hour and ended at $11 an hour.  Pretty good for such a subhuman, horrible worker I thought.

When time came for a promotion in the office to office manager, she gave the position to a worker who had just started, which annoyed me.  I knew all the positions and I had the longest tenure with her.  God knows I trained all the assistants she ran off within weeks or months of employment.  But she gave it to this new gal because she had a master's degree.  So I thought, fine.  I'll go back to college then.  She actually talked me out of it when I told her my plans, telling me that her college degree didn't mean anything because she wasn't even working in that field.

This was par for the course.

Anyway, by the time I quit work for her I ended up in a business agreement with her (I know, stupid) that lasted about six months before I just couldn't handle this chick anymore.  I had just met Steven and he was teaching me everything I'd always believed about myself (being subhuman) was totally wrong.  I had a right to be happy.  This didn't gel with her treatment of me, so the conflict was more than my fragile emotional state could take at the time.  I fell apart.  I was supposed to sell photos for her on ebay, and I just stopped.  I mean stopped.  I shoved all the boxes of her slide material in a corner and wouldn't even look at it.  I couldn't.  Seeing her material, even her name in print, caused me physical pain.  I couldn't hear her voice, I most certainly couldn't see her face, I just couldn't deal with this woman one more moment or it would have been the end of me. 

It wasn't the right way to handle it.  Months went past and I hid from the situation just because I couldn't handle it.  I went to work at a shop in the mall for minimum wage and refused to acknowlege ebay or this woman even in my thoughts.  It was bad.  I screwed up. 

This was in November.  In March, this woman sued me for what she worded as me using our "friendship" to convince her into an endeavor I never had any intentions of fulfilling, despite the fact I'd worked that business for six months.  I wasn't frauding anyone.  I ended it very badly, but my intentions were never to take advantage of her.  My only intention, which turned out to be just as inconceivable, was hopefully as a business equal she'd finally treat me like a human being.  But on subhuman status I remained.

Anyway I returned all her material at that point in hopes to avoid the lawsuit (which was over $1 million).  I ended up getting zapped for her legal fees for $4000, which took me from 2000 - 2003 to pay off.  And God forbid if I was even a day or so late.  Her letters were threatening, and her treatment of me continued to perpetuate the myth how useless I was, and how much of a screwup I was.

Finally when I paid off this money in August of last year, I felt like I was free.  Then, like clockwork, she returned again this year to accuse my sister and I of stealing her photos to sell on ebay.  I told her that we would never consider doing such a thing, mostly because we already have 8 photographers and don't need her material, but the biggest reason is we don't want anything to do with her.  At all.  Anymore.  She also threatened to sue me again, and I told her she had no reason to sue me as I was no responsible for my sister's business.  That prompted the insult in the subject line of my other entry.

Anyway, I realized today as I was doing my study that I have never forgiven this woman for the years of abuse I endured.  I've never really forgiven myself either.  Today God worked through Hisword that if I want to see my faith manifest greatly in my life, I have to forgive her as God forgave me. 

In The Message translation of the Bible, the exact words were: "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up.  You're kingdom subjects.  Now live like it.  Live out your God-created identity.  Live generously and graciously twoard other, the way God lives toward you."*

Owwie.

I've been holding onto this bitterness and animosity because it reaffirms the lie that I'm subhuman and I don't deserve to be happy.  The reason her comments hurt, or her abuse was so detrimental is because it hit on all those things I always believed about myself.  That I'm no good.  On my very first encounter with her in my interview I told her I was on welfare and she said to me that my being on welfare made her nervous because she had a lot of expensive stuff in her home where'd I would be working.  Instead of standing up and saying that she had no right to make that judgment on me that I was a thief just because I was on public aid, I actually did my best to convince her to hire me because I could be trusted.

She always considered me a thief, long before the petty cash incident.  Things would come up missing after we had more than just me in the office, but it was me she'd point the finger at.  So maybe that was part of my motivation to borrow petty cash money.  I was already convicted of the crime, why not take advantage of it?  All the other gals didn't really even blink an eye when they did it, so I allowed myself to be deceived it wasn't that big of a deal.

That was who I was then.  I didn't stand strong against her abuse when I should have, and that was wrong.  But I can tell you what I know now.  I know I'm not subhuman.  I know I'm a good person.  I know I'm NOT a thief, I know I'm NOT a liar and I know I deserve to be happy.  I am NOT a joke.

And toward that goal I'm going to do what I never could before, and with God's help I'll succeed.  I'm going to forgive her.  I'm going to set all that bitterness and resentment free.  I'm not going to hang on to the past as ammo to use against her in hatred, I'm going to set it all free.  It's a noose around my neck and it's time for it to go.

*Matthew 5:44-48

Calories: 1831 / 19%
Sodium: 2778mg
Calcium: 1488mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: walked 2 miles, ride bike 15 mins, Pilates

RED means I went over goal
*Projected

Breaking Bondage

I have made a huge mistake.  I've concentrated on the physical aspects of this weight loss journey, even the emotional aspects of this journey - but one I've consistantly neglected has been the spiritual aspect of my journey.

It dawned on me today that my weight loss is a bondage.  It's just as much of a bondage as drug addiction, alcoholism, or any other destructive behavior.  This is a burden, this weight is a chain around my feet keeping me bound, keeping me imprisoned in a life of fear and a life of low self esteem, burying me alive under pounds of fat.

In other words, it's not God's will for my life.  I believe that Jesus came so that we could have life and have it abundantly.  I also believe that the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy.  And I already know where being obese has gotten me in my life.  It sure hasn't been living, not to mention abundantly.

I've been miserable, buying into this lie that I'm not worth having a full life that includes people who love me for me, prosperity, health and peace.  Peace is the most important thing - the peace of knowing exactly who I am and being delivered from the judgment of the world.  When I go out in the world and I feel the stares or hear the comments, there's no peace.  There's me running back into my house and hiding because those comments hurt.

Why do they hurt?  Because I believe them.  I believe it.  Someone I love compliments me, I don't believe it.  A stranger insults me, and I take it to the grave.  Surely they're right.  Surely I'm trash.  Surely I'm stupid, lazy, ugly, disgusting. 

And all of that is my mistake.  For listening to the wrong influence.  You know that devil on one shoulder/angel on the other shoulder scenario?  It's not so far from the truth, we all have two voices that speak to us, one negative and one positive.  And guess who I was giving all the power to? 

I'll give you a hint.  Red suit and horns.

Why would I do that?  Why would I forget who I am, who God created me to be?  THIS is the source of my conflict with this weight loss journey.  Somewhere, deep down, underneath the fear of failure (and the fear of success), underneath the excuses, is that sad confused person buying every lie that negative voice is telling her.  That I'm not good enough.  That I'm a failure.  That I've never been thin before, I surely won't make it now.  That even if I do lose weight I'll be exposed for being a half human who is so underaccomplished that everyone will laugh at me anyway.  That I'll never be good enough. 

And it's all a big fat lie.  I AM good enough.  I deserve to be thin.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to succeed.  God didn't punish me by making me fat, He wasn't picking on me, He wasn't proving to me how insignificant I was by making me a subhuman (and that's how being overweight makes me feel - society confirms the inner voice that tells me this by exhaulting physical beauty as the ultimate accomplishment).

Lies, lies, lies.  LIES.

So no more.  I'm going to research the scriptures on bondage to find out how to break through this horrible self talk that serves to sabotage all the hard work I've put into being healthy. 

The very first day we went to this new church the pastor gave us a scripture on hope that spoke to me.  Mostly because I had taken Dan's bible to church with me, and as I referenced this scripture, Daniel had underlined it.  That, to me, was an ultimate sign.  I don't believe in coincidences, just so you know.  I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and when events intersect like this it's for a bigger purpose.  Anyway, I noticed today in my own bible that I also had underlined this scripture.  I'm thinking Someone is trying to tell me something.

Today I listened. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

It's not God's will for me to remain in this bondage of weight, whose root is my own insecurity of who I am and who God wants me to be.  And no longer will I be led astray by a liar who tells me otherwise.

Calories: 1884 / 35% fat
Sodium: 3633mg
Calcium: 1375mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: Took today as a rest day instead

RED means I went over goal

Weigh In & New Goals

Well I'm back in the 280s, barely.  I weighed in at 289lbs and 12oz. 

The good news is my waist measurement is 44" and that's 1/2 of an inch away from size 26, which my other measurements hit months ago.  It's time to drop that 1/2 inch and another size.

So here's how I'm going to do it.  These are my goals.  And by goals I don't mean good intentions, I mean actual goals. 

I'm going to keep my calories at 1800 for another week, mainly because I'm going to do a lot more exercising.  I realize I dropped the ball (the balance ball in my case) as far as exercising goes, and it's time to rededicate myself to this process.

I also read an interesting article today that says a diet high in dairy can help you shed more fat.  Being a cheese fiend, this is good news.  Here's the article: WebMD with AOL Health - Dairy Foods Help Burn Fat, Speed Weight Loss.  We'll give it a go, what the heck.  I eat a lot of yogurt anyway, so a few more servings of cheese can't hurt.  It will also help with my protein totals, which aren't that great.  Of carb, protein and fat, generally protein runs last in ratios.

So here are the GOALS.  Meaning I'm making a committment to myself to follow these goals to the letter.

Calories: 1800s / fat no more than 30%
Sodium: <3000mg
Water: 96oz per day
Dairy: 1200-1400mg
Exercise: walk 2 miles 5x a week for a total of 10miles. 
               do Pilates every other day, starting TODAY
               ride exercise bike 6x per week

And most importantly, I'm going to deal with my fears each day.  That's the emotional goal.

Hopefully at the end of this week we'll see a weight loss, but that's not going to be my focus.  I'm going to focus on today, which means I'm going to ride the bike and do Pilates, as well as meet my 1800 calorie goal.

I'm a woman on a mission!  And I will not fail. 

Calories: 1873 / 21%
Sodium: 2982mg
Calcium: 1396mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise:  stationary bike 15 mins, Pilates, & ab roller: calories burned 304

 

Done in by the Trail Mix

I would have made my caloric goal today but I got a little too Trail Mix Happy.  It wasn't bad, I only missed it by some 60 calories.  Nothing like the Chinese Buffet Fiasco.

The good news is the sodium is way WAYYYYYY down.  I didn't even crack 2000mg.  That's almost unheard of.  And that was with replacing two meals with Lean Cuisines. 

And I'm on water bottle number five.  That's right, five.  I've already worn a path between here and the bathroom.  Yellow is a foreign color to me today, and that's all I'm going to say about that. 

So hopefully, even though I couldn't do my lowcal week before my weigh in, I'll see some kind of loss tomorrow.  God knows I've lost about three pounds in water alone today.

We walked the longer route today because it was cloudy.  Without the sun beating down on you it doesn't seem as hot.  We do have an alternate plan to walk at the mall if it's too hot to make it to the park.  It's all about making the day a success instead of getting caught up in the future.

I had it right when I was doing it that way, don't know why I lost sight of it.  Another journalist started dealing with why she sabotages herself in losing weight, asking herself what Dr. Phil suggests we need to ask ourselves - "Why do I allow myself to remain overweight?"

Maybe that's what is happening.  Good things start happening and I start to withdraw, somehow believing that I don't deserve to be thinner, healthier, happier.  It's really hard to get rid of the weight not just because of the physical but the emotional as well.  I know I've used my weight as an excuse not to try.  I've also used my weight to keep people repelled away from me.  I've used the excuses that being overweight provided, and how do I manage without my lifelong crutch?

People might want to get close to me and that scares me.  I might actually have to emerge from these four walls and integrate myself back into the world, and that scares me too. 

Is this why I gave up without really giving up?  I was going through the motions, but my heart wasn't in it.  The fire was out, I no longer felt the urgent need to lose weight or I'd die - which was the entire reason I started this journey to begin with.

Life got in the way.  I let life get in the way.  There's no excuses for not meeting my caloric orexercise goals.  I just quit, without really quitting.  And the weight loss is my prime indicator of that.  I stagnated or I gained, all as direct proof my heart had gone out of my journey. 

I have to put my heart back into it.  And what's most important is I have to stop living my life in fear.  I've been afraid to die, but afraid to live at the same time.  Like that song "The Rose" says, "It's the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live".  Hello, that's me.

So I'm going to use my journal in the upcoming weeks to deal with my fear.  I know in my logical mind if I fear something and just do it anyway, the fear is the worst of it.  It's time for me to stop being such a chicken.  I only have this one life to live and I've wasted too much of it being afraid to live it.

You're going to watch a lot of growing pains.  I'm scared to death to do it, because I do have a fear of not being "perfect" (we'll go over that here soon), I hate letting my faults and vulnerability hang out for the world to see.  BUT, here again, I know the fear of it is so much worse than actually doing it. 

Here's where I grow that nerve I mentioned in the Journal description.  I'm not ready.  But I know if I wait to be ready, I'll never get there.  It's time to step out of the boat and have faith I won't sink.

Calories: 1963 / 27% fat
Sodium: 1754mg
Water: 96oz & counting
Exercise: Walked 2 miles

Time to Get Serious

My pound gain got a couple of extra pals this morning on my home scale.  It was a Chinese Buffet experience gone horribly awry.  And naturally I'm panicking, thinking that I need to slam on the brakes to get back on track.

I was averaging going down ten pounds each month.  In January I was in the 310s, in Febuary I was in the 300s, in March I was in the 290s and in April I saw (briefly) the 280s.  I like this ratio.  I really do.  If I can keep this up I can hit the 140s by next June, even though I've given myself till next August to hit goal. 

But the problem is, I went back up to the 290s, and that puts off the 270s I would like to experience in May.  And I don't like to go backward, not when I have come so far forward.

To me, gaining a pound, even if it's "just" a pound, is a huge step toward failure.  If I gain, I tend to binge, and I give up staying on the straight and narrow figuring what's the point? 

So I'm scared spitless of hitting a plateau.  As a lifelong dieter, I know that this is inevitable.  So I see a gain, or lack of loss, and I will panic.

Steven, on the other hand, is very concerned that I will go overboard.  My plan is to hit a 1200 calorie week (or two) to get myself back on course.  It worked a few months ago when I went on Richard Simmon's blast off week, and so I figure this is my Plateau Buster.  This is what takes me over the hump and back on the downward slide of weight loss I had enjoyed for so many months. 

And of course the exercise has GOT to increase.  With the heat, our walks are much shorter than I'd like.  Winston just can't handle it.  We have to take the shorter route, and there's no walking from my house to the park anymore.  The last time I did that he got sick.  In fact, yesterday our super walking Pug went promptly to the shade and laid down.  He'd never done that before.  But he wasn't going anywhere. 

So I go with Steven, we drive over there and walk the mile route.  The good thing is I am walking a lot more frequently, doing it each day.  Missed today because the heat reached the 90s. 

BUT I have my work out of the way for the evening and I'm going to ride the bike tonight.  It's in my house and I've just gotten so lazy about it.  This journey is only going to give me what I put into it, and I've been lacking.  I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm. 

So it's time to get serious and get it back.  I WILL be at the 100lb mark in August, I WILL lose down to the 270s in May.  I WILL NOT FAIL.  Because I WILL NOT QUIT.

And that means I have to get honest with myself and realize I already have quit in a lot of ways.  I've let myself off the hook, spoiled myself instead of pampered myself, like I discussed in the December entry: Spoiling vs. Pampering.  Maybe it's time for me to print all these out and reread my journal and let the more diligent and stronger me inspire ME.

Calories: 1853 / 12%
Sodium: 3312mg
Water: 72oz 
Exercise: None

The Chinese Food was Good... I was BAD.

Tonight my mother and I took my sister out for her belated birthday dinner.  She chose a Chinese food buffet.  Combine my passion for Chinese food with my utter lack of Buffet willpower and you have my night.

But instead of focusing on the fact I went over my calories and WAAYYYY over my sodium, I'd like to focus instead on the good news.

The good news is I limited my portions considerably.  I only had a spoon full of each buffet entree, rather than load it up, this way I had a taste of various dishes.  This helped keep down the calories.

And best of all.  I stopped when I was satisfied, I didn't stuff myself. 

These are milestones to my mind. 

Another bit of good is - I am a part of an important chain of events that will help put Fitday.com at the forefront of the weight loss industry.  You all know how completely in love I am with this program and how strongly I believe in it.  Well, I told my sister about it, so she got her son's girlfriend excited about it.  The girlfriend told her mother, who then told all her coworkers about it, who happen to be a group to lose weight.  One of the ladies there has about 100lbs to lose and when she went to her doctor and told her doctor about it, he immediately had her show him this program.

He loved it so much that he's going to take it to his colleagues, doctors through four states, to get the word out there to people trying to lose weight, to give them a healthy alternative to Atkins.  He says that it's an accurate program that will help people have an idea of what's going on in their bodies.

Is this exciting news or what??  Of course anything that gets Fitday on the map is a blessing, because I truly, with all my heart, believe this program can help educate people on how to stay fit and healthy for a lifetime.  It isn't a diet, it's a tool, and you only get out of it what you put into it.  I'm a firm believer that if you use it properly and dedicate yourself to it, you cannot fail. 

Last but not least I sent my script to a script consultant, thanks to a screenwriter friend of mine having an in.  I'll know by next week what he thinks about it.  From what my friend says, he's very very very very very blunt and never sugarcoats his review.  She says the first one he gave her on her work made her cry.  I only reconsidered for a moment before I finally decided I cannot grow if I don't get outside of my comfort zone.  In fact, Terry Rossio (cowriter of Shrek, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Mask of Zorro and others) had a quote in the latest issue of one of my screenwriting magazines that said,  "It is a rare man who can prevail in the face of comfort."  If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.

So I am growing and stretching, no matter how uncomfortable these tests are.  But like Jesse Duplantis says, you can't have a testimony without the test.  I won't lie that if he writes back a scathing review I won't be momentarily crushed.  Just please do me a favor and don't let me stay that way.  :)

Calories: 2153* / 32% fat
Sodium: Do we really have to see this number?  Ok if you insist: 3571
Water: 96oz (at least I made ONE goal today)
Exercise: walked 1 mile

Month #4 Photo Update

Well it was as I feared.  I gained a pound.  EEEEK is all I have to say about that. 

Actually I have more to say about that, and that's I'm going back down to 1800 calories. 

In fact, I'm debating a low cal week just to jumpstart the weight loss again.  I refuse to plateau.  So maybe a week of 1500 calories or less per day is just what the doctor order to get things back on track.  Steven hates it when I do this, he worries that I'm going too extreme.  I'm not that big of a fan of it either, given last week I couldn't even meet my 1800 calorie requirement.

But drastic times call for drastic measures.  And I am DETERMINED to get this weight off. 

We went for a walk, it was a short one (just a mile) because it was hot and humid out there.  I was going to type here that I'm going to try and get some more exercising done tonight but there is no try.  There is do or do not.  Thank you, Yoda.

I can't really be too bummed about the weight gain however, because the pictures above tell the tale.  Even though I only lost 4lbs for the month, I lost 8 inches.  That Tshirt now looks like a dress on me, it's gotten so big. 

I've ordered some summer clothes, size 2X rather than the 4X I used to wear at the beginning of this journey, so my next set of pictures will have me in tank tops and shorts.  I'm reluctant to do it, but I figure there is no growth if I don't dare to step outside my comfort zone.

Calories: 1888 / 17% fat (both goals MET)
Sodium: 2643mg (goal MET)
Water: 72oz (didn't quite make it to 96oz)
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

Late check in

I started work early last night, putting that in front of the journal, and ended up working so late I didn't bother to journal before going to bed.  My bad. :(

I just realized I have to go to the mall so I can do my weigh in for picture day (today).  EEEK  I'm afraid.  I'm very afraid.

Given how much I've been eating and I haven't been exercising (which was the plan), I'm afraid I'm going to see a gain.

Suddenly I feel like I"m being led to the gallows.

Ok... time to shower and prepare.  I HOPE I have a happy report when it's all said and done.

If not, it's back to 1800 calories.

Yesterday's totals:

Calories: 1993 / 29% fat
Sodium: 2861mg
Water: 64oz
Exercise: None

The Journey

Today we went back to church and the Pastor said something that I really liked.  He said, "Life is a journey, and we control our destination by choices we make every day."

I know how frustrating my week was, and I know others like me who had a less than perfect week were also facing the quit or press on challenge that comes as the Journey hits the natural highs and lows that come with a long term life change.

When I first started this journey a lot time ago I was so afraid of facing a year or more of deprivation and heartache I chose to gauge my successes and failures on each and every single day.  As I passed my big milestones (breaking 300 and hitting the 50lb loss marker) my focus started to expand into the future and I lost sight of the daily journey.  When I was focused on the day's goals, I was meeting them.  And it all added up to make the big goals happen.

I've been considering a trip to Vegas in August for my anniversary.  If you've been with me from the beginning of this journal you'll know that I was reserving Las Vegas for the 100lb marker, which is totally within my grasp by mid August when I want to take this trip.  Finances have been strained, and it was more a pipe dream than anything else.  I found a package on Expedia for about $980 (round trip airfare for two, and two nights stay at a nice hotel), but you add all the incidentals on top of that and you have a pricey trip.  We're kinda behind as it is.

Then we got an invitation from Paris Las Vegas for three free nights this summer.  How convenient!  I also found pretty reasonable airfare that knocked the price of the trip in half.  Much more manageable.  So it's completely doable.

Problem is, if I don't lose exactly 2lbs a week until August, I won't meet that 100lb goal.  So I've been stressing about that scale showing a loss.  And I've been worrying about the future, all the while forsaking my daily goals.

And guess who hasn't been doing well on meeting either objective? <raises hand>

So, it's time to refocus.  I need to get my priorities straight and look at this Journey the right way - as a daily thing.  I only have to get through today and meet goal.  I only have to get through one day at a time.

It's time to control the destination.

Calories: 2334* / 26% fat
Sodium: 3448mg (eek!)
Water: 96oz (yay!)
Exercise: None

(I'm so mad about the calories.  I thought i had enough, up to 2200, for my banana and nilla wafer snack, but I forgot some lowfat pudding I had earlier.  It set me over.  Grrrr!  I was doing so good.)

Permission to Succeed

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

—Marianne Williamson

I got this from fellow weight loss blogger Lynne at : : The Art of Balance : :   |   DivaFlava.com and one thing really stood out at me.  The comment, "Your playing small does not serve the world" really resonated with me.  I can't count how many times I've backed away from potentially successful situations because deep down inside I feel like I don't deserve to be seen or heard, or that my contribution is somehow lacking simply because it comes from me. 

I wrote a diary entry on my other website regarding my stance on religion http://www.geocities.com/duckebride/032904.html and how I feel that having such a staunch upbringing in a religion inevitably created in me the need to feel beat up.  That's what I was taught.  That we are all just lowdown dirty dog sinners who didn't deserve what God or Jesus did for us.

And that may be true.  I may not deserve it - but I *AM* worthy of it.  How can I make that statement so boldly?  Because God deemed it to be so.  He loved us all so much He created a path where we walk not by the measure of our deeds but the measure of His grace.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Romans 8:28-39.  You might recognize this passage as the More than Conquerers passage.  The word "conquerers" is very important.  Not too many Conquerers are so mired in self condemnation that they shrink their life and their contribution to the world.  There's humility, and then there's just stupid.  It's not arrogant to stand in who we are, and who God created us to be. 

God created us, and I don't believe He makes mistakes.  So if that's true, if that passage is true, then who am I to shrink back from success as if I don't deserve it?

And maybe I don't deserve it.  But I am *WORTHY* of it. 

So from here on out I'm going to give myself permission to succeed.  I'm going to give myself permission to be happy and to live my life completely, the way it was meant to be lived.  Because that life is God's gift to me.  What I do with it, is my gift to Him.

Calories: 2407* / 24% fat
Sodium: 3278mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

(*went out to eat at Zookinis again, had a lowfat meal to enjoy the key lime pie... the pie took me over.  I don't regret it though, like I said I'm still way under what I burned so no condemnation here.)

FRUSTRATED

I've learned something very peculiar about this weight loss journal as late.  If I exercise, I don't lose weight.  I weighed in today at 289lbs and 8 oz which is down only one ounce since last week.  If I don't exercise, then I lose 2-3lbs a week. 

Now I know in my logical mind the answer isn't to stop exercising.  Exercising will tone and sculpt the body so that as I lose the weight I'll look and be more fit.  So if not exercising isn't the answer, then what is?

I didn't realize until yesterday that I was eating 2000 calories below what I burn, according to fitday.com.  That's a lot, and it isn't recommended to go down below 1000 calories of what you burn.  So, since I've added the exercise, I'm going to bump up the calories just to see what happens.  What do I have to lose, right?  I'm going to bump back up to 2000 - 2200 calories because I'm too chicken to eat more than that. 

So the new weekly goals are as such:

Calories: 2000-2200 per day
Fat: Not to exceed 30% of total calories
Sodium: Not to exceed 3000mg per day
Water: 96oz per day
Exercise: Walk minimum 10 miles total, do Pilates 3 times

If my next week weigh in shows little loss or even a gain, I will modify. 

Adapting and rolling with the punches.  That's the bottom line of my Journey.

The good news is I did lose 2 1/2 inches, so I know at least SOMETHING is working. 

 

 

A Better Day

Today yielded much better results than yesterday.  I went over 1800 but not by much.  It was my non fat vanilla pudding that set me over.  Otherwise, I was really good all day.

Yesterday I commented on how I decided my caloric requirement.  Richard Simmons has a weight loss system called the Foodmover, it's a system not unlike the Weight Watchers Points system that tell you how much of what to eat in each food group.  This is determined by your total caloric needs, which is based on how much you weigh.  People who weigh more can eat more, just because their bodies burn more calories.  So according to his foodmover, I should be eating 1800 calories per day.

According to Fitday, I burn over 3800 calories per day.  If I were to use the caloric reduction method alone to lose weight, I could eat as much as 2800 calories and still be okay, because a deficit has been created of calories burned vs. calories eaten.  On Fitday I can even pull up a report that shows me a graph to display this deficit, and I'm always under.  Even when we went to San Antonio last month I never went over 2600 calories, and that was really off program.

So I created a goal on Fitday where I eat between 1800 - 2000 calories per day.   It was when I got all excited and created a new set of goals back a week or so ago that I got into trouble.  Now trying to meet all these goals have become quite the challenge.

When I say that I've been famished I mean that I've physically been hungry.  I now recognize the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger, and I try my best to head to my body's needs.  The trouble came when I'd feed my body but try so hard to meet my calorie/fat/sodium goals all in one.  Sometimes it's very difficult.  I can eat but what I choose will either set me over on calories and keep me good on sodium or vice versa.  It's just been a juggle, and I dropped a few balls. 

If my weigh in tomorrow goes well despite this, I will probably bump up my caloric goals to 1800 - 2000, that will give me a little more wiggle room in order to meet the sodium requirement. 

As always it's a matter of adapting.  My weight loss continually evolves to meet my current needs, which is so much better for me than sticking with something that makes me feel like a failure (much like I felt all week).  The good news is I've been exercising a lot more, so even if I eat more, I do burn more. 

Now on to the fluff stuff.  Since Winston has such a great fan following I thought I'd create a Journal just for his exploits.  It's going to be full of cute photos and hopefully cute essays, so drop on by and give it a looksee.  The Pug Papers

Tomorrow is weigh in day, wish me luck.  My home scale is showing a loss, we'll see if GNC agrees.  I will say that I am really excited about my fat intake each day.  Despite the caloric/sodium see saw I've been on, generally I've managed to meet all my low fat goals.  That and I've walked the last three days are definitely things I can pat my own back about.  So I think that's a definite measure of success.

Calories: 1952 / 18% fat
Sodium: 2517mg
Water: 48oz & counting
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

Goals or Good Intentions?

I swear to God I tried to meet my goals today.  I went for a walk although we were limited for time, chosing instead to walk the shorter route just to make sure I did get the walk in.

I went to the store and made smart purchasing choices so that I can get off this stupid merry go round that has me either going over on sodium in order to keep the calories down, or going over on calories in order to keep the sodium down.  I don't know why it's been such a juggle this week. 

My goal has been to eat no more than 1800 or so calories.  Today I made it to 2000.  I'm fighting the urge to just go ahead and eat dessert anyway since I've already blown my goal.  And by dessert I mean angel food cake with strawberries, nothing really bad.

I am so frustrated because today was one of those days that begged to go off program.  While we were out I was ogling Taco Bell, Grandys - you know, the bad places I couldn't fit into my day even if I wanted to. 

Yet I remained steadfast only to go over my caloric goal anyway.

I have to get refocused.  Okay, so I went over a few hundred calories, I can afford it.  I burned 3800+ so I still came in 1000 calories under, which is the absolute MOST I will ever allow myself to eat.  According to the caloric reduction method to losing weight, you calculate how much you burn and then you create a deficit.  500 calories under what you burn will equate to a one pound a week loss.  1000 calories under what you burn will equate to a two pound a week loss.  They recommend you don't go under 1000 under what you burn, but I found that Richard Simmons' caloric recommendation is what works best for me for consistant weight loss, and that's 1800 calories (or 2000 less than what I burn).

I have just been so famished this week.  That might suggest that my body NEEDS more calories, I'm not sure.  I do know not eating enough can stall the weight loss progress as well.  We'll have to see what this weekend's weigh in shows us, I may end up bumping up my calories.

Because it just really sucks that by 11pm (when fitday changes over to the new day) I'm already piling on the calories so that by 12am I've already done significant damage to my totals.  My strategy today was that I was going to prepare a filling dinner and let the calories fall where they may, because I am not going to go hog wild at midnight.  Solution - eat something substantial.  The only problem is finding something substantial that fit into the 200 calorie window I had left.  I tried every solution I could think of, the best thing was the chili dogs (thanks to my best friend Jeff, he turned me onto some low fat low sodium chili dog stuff that made it legal for me to eat these again, yayyyyy Jeff!), but unfortunately my sodium was already so high that the total for that would have gone off the charts at over 3500. 

Sooooooooooooooo I guess what I'm saying is I'm going to forgive myself for not meeting goal today.  I've been beating myself up about it all week and that's just counter productive.  I can't change what was, I can just move on. 

And I'm gonna have my strawberry shortcake.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Calories: 2184 / 22% fat
Sodium: 2434mg
Water: 48oz & counting
Exercise: walked 1 mile

 

Is this a happy Pug or WHAT?

I had about all the guilt I could stand.  From his Puggin to my endless "None" under my exercise tallies, I couldn't take it anymore.  I had to get out and go for the walk.

Like church on Sunday, it hit me as we were walking that I didn't know why I procrastinated so long.  Getting out and going for the walks make me feel good.

I also got to do the finishing touches on my script today.  I hate it when that giddy euphoria dies away and I realize that my script isn't the utter brilliance I thought it was.  I'm always so critical on my own work.  Sometimes I'll read something and think, "gee that's really good" but most times it's, "gee, I feel like I can make this better."  But for better or worse it's completed and registered.

For everyone who is interested in reading it, here is the logline and the link:

MY IMMORTAL (Horror/Suspense) A cyncial reporter investigating a gruesome murder story makes a horrifying discovery.  The killer they seek is a vampire, and he's managed to reincarnate one of his slain vampires, her.  The more she learns the more she is faced with an impossible decision - to join again with the undead to be with her immortal lover forever, or fulfill her destiny and put an end to their carnage. (rated R)

http://www.geocities.com/gsvscreenplays/myimmortal.txt

Please let me know what you think, I look forward to hearing your reviews. 

As for my totals I did manage to meet the 1800 goal but slaughtered my sodium goals in the process.  We're getting there, slowly but surely.

Calories: 1863 / 21% fat
Sodium: 3287mg
Water: 72oz & counting
Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles

Stick a Fork in Me....

I'm done.

That's right, 117 pages all done.  "My Immortal" is officially done - the first draft anyway.  It's all out there.  I do have some minor polishing to do and a few once overs before I get it all registered, BUT, to write "Fade to Black" was very, very satisfying.

Then I found out that John Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing, Christine) is holding a contest for his next movie, and he's looking for a horror script.  How convenient!!

I didn't meet my goals today either.  Not going over by much, mind you, but I still need to get my butt back into gear.  I think it's due to my sleep schedule flip flopping to a more normal schedule and my stomach hasn't caught up yet.  Where I used to eat my last meal of the day between 12am and 4am, now I'm eating breakfast in the morning and I'm so hungry through the day.  By the afternoon I am hungry again, and if I eat before dinner I generally throw my goals off by 100 or so calories.  Again, nothing dire, but I hate that I'm making these goals and not reaching them.

And the water has gone down tremendously.  Again I used to drink a bottle between 12am and 4am, then three more once I woke up.  Now I drink the first of my water in the morning, and getting all four down before 11pm is a bit of a challenge.  I chalk my headaches up to this little problem.

Anyhoo, below are the totals. 

Calories: 1965 / 20% fat
Sodium: 2526mg
Water: 58oz
Exercise: None

I have a headache THIS BIG

I had a productive day as far as the writing goes, I went from page 68 to page 95, bringing me to the third act, where I have 15+ pages to solve all the problems I've set up.  The price I paid was getting a horrible nagging headache out of the deal.

I'd probably finish it but I need all my faculties in order to do this climax justice.  My head is really pounding, I can barely concentrate.  And I still have about five hours of work to finish off tonight.  If I make it out of this without a migraine it'll be a miracle.

The problem is when I don't feel well my first impulse is to eat.  If I just eat I'll feel better.  If I eat something sweet, I'll feel better.  If I just stuff my face with all those comfort foods, I'll feel better.  I want bread.  I want potatoes.  I want pasta.  I want C H O C O L A T E. 

So how did I fair?  Well we got Fazolis for dinner.  I couldn't hang with cooking tonight.  I got the homestyle lasagna with broccoli (420 calories) when I realized the baked chicken parmesan (740 calories) I normally get would have set me over 2200 calories.  Then, because I REALLY wanted both my breadsticks I ended up putting half of the lasagna in the fridge for tomorrow. 

So my totals weren't too badly sabotaged.  I've been drinking water like a fish because it very well could be I am just dehydrated.  The sodium was off the charts, but the fact I kept the calories down and the fat down makes up for it. 

And the best part of all was it was a thin day.  I love thin days.  I sat with one leg crossed over the other and it was COMFORTABLE.  I didn't have to hold one knee in place with my hand.  I may actually be able to sit like that with BOTH my hips on the chair one day.  That's a good thing.

My tummy feels flatter today.  It could very well be because I know in my mind that I've dropped 8 1/2 inches from that area, but it just seems less jiggly.  As we all know, these are good things.  I've also noticed that my upper thighs are more defined now.  I see more muscle and less flab.  I may have some decent gams under all this stuff. 

Anyway, all of this is why I put half of that lasagna back.  I like seeing these changes, and that's worth more to me than the temporary comfort I would have gotten from scarfing all the food I really wanted to eat.  Tomorrow the headache will be gone, and if the weather manages to warm up I plan to give Winston a thrill and take him for a much needed W-A-L-K at the P-A-R-K.  Gotta work on those legs, ya know?

And watching this Miss USA pagent does a lot to inspire me to work harder.  Tomorrow 1800 calories FOR SURE.  Meanwhile GO TEXAS!!  :)

Calories: 1924 / 26% fat
Sodium: 3146mg
Water: 72oz & counting
Exercise: typing my wittle fingers off

Month #5 Update

Happy Easter everybody.  I hope your day was festive in whichever way you choose to spend it.  As for us, we decided to take the opportunity to go to church this morning.  It's a big milestone for me, as I have been wrestling with matters of faith and such for a while.  Interestingly enough, the sermon today was on hope, which was quite fitting.  The pastor even touched on the hopelessness one goes through at the loss of a loved one, the loss of faith in those we love, and other hopeless issues that pretty much hit on every sore spot I have lately.  I believe it was divinely inspired.  Needless to say, we will go back.

Today was also the 5 month milestone of my AOL Journaling experience.  Aside from the blip earlier this week, I consider this journal an asset to the Journey, and more than a little responsible for the progress I've been able to make thus far.

So after yesterday's official weigh in at 289lbs and 9oz, that brings the month's tally to 8lbs lost.  I'm very happy as this was my goal.  I've also lost an astounding 12 inches, mostly from the dreaded "girth" around my middle.  I've nearly lost a foot around since January, and that's just pretty darned cool.  I'm almost ready to fly Southwest again. 

All and all a really nice day.  Although the scripture that says the enemy will come IMMEDIATELY to steal the word was proven way true, in an annoying string of events that started last night and nearly sidelined going to church at all.  It was nothing dire mind you, just really really annoying.  It affected my work night and my paycheck, both things that couldn't afford delays as I was running such a strict schedule to fit church and Easter dinner.  All is well now, and I guess that's all that matters. 

Oh, and I guess I should go into how Easter dinner went in accordance with the goals that I've set.  I have to say I'm pretty proud of the choices I made today.  I had to make some sacrifices (the relish dish for one, baked beans for too, which I always like to serve with ham), but on the whole it was a very good meal that didn't sideline my goals in any drastic way.  There are a couple of new recipes over at  Ginger's Kitchen.

Anyway I'm EXHAUSTED.  I'll catch you all tomorrow.  :)

Calories 1911 / 19% fat
Sodium: 3090mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

How the Bachelor Ruined My Script

I thought this deserved it's own entry.

There's a little Twilight Zone in the screenwriting world called "parallel development".  What that means is that through no evildoing on anyone's part, more than one identical idea can be created by complete strangers.  It's a strange little phenomenon which happens to bite monkey toes, but it happens. 

Sometimes it doesn't even have to be an identical idea, but similar enough that it will remind someone of another story they've seen.  Hollywood wants the original story - but they prefer spending money on stories with a good track record of making money. 

So we all walk this line to write an original spin on a proven formula.  It's not easy.  That's why when you get a nugget of an original idea, it really bites the big one that someone else is developing it, or it's shot and in the can.

My first script was one I came up with the idea in 2000.  I had a weird dream where I was going to buy a house, but had no money.  The devil was in my dream, and it occured to me I could get the money from him and just get out of that sneaky soul selling business before I ended up dying and going to hell.  Artis was soon born, a hapless loser who can't even sell his soul to the devil right.  The devil (as played by Jim Carrey in my mind), would be a complete moron and get all the wishes completely wrong - so Artis would then sue the devil for breech of contract.  I thought it was brilliant, everyone I told about it thought it was brilliant, but by the time I actually got it written, Little Nicky and Bedazzled both bombed at the box office.  Not to mention The Devil & Daniel Webster, a remake eerily similar to my original idea (except mine was a comedy and this was more of a drama) was in production and subsequently shelved. 

After the thing was written all I heard was, "It's too much like Bedazzled."  "Devil movies don't sell."  So there's a lesson for all of you - don't sit on your ideas... act on them as quick as you can.

Fast forward to fall of last year when I was engrossed in The Bachelor with Bob Guiney.  I had such a crush on Bob Guiney that he was just a regular guy, most of those Bachelors are unattainable rich hunks that most average women wouldn't have a chance at.  Bob on the other hand, looked like someone you could actually meet and be friends with.  I even began to have dreams about him, where I was actually a friend of his and helping him decide who was best for him. 

Ding, ding, ding, another brilliant idea.  I'd write a story about a reality dating show where the guy can have a female friend actually pose as one of the bachelorettes, who can ultimately help him choose who is best for him.  GUESS what this season's twist is for the Bachelor???

But I'm not mad.  Noooooooo.

If I had written the thing last year when I started it, MAYBE I would have a legitimate complaint.  As usual I sat on it so I can't really gripe.  I can be nauseated and curse the producers of The Bachelor and watch this season with a knot in the pit of my stomach, but I can't complain.

As for this idea I'm not sharing it just yet.  Once it's completed and WGA registered I'll post it here and beat on every Hollywood producers door trying to get it sold.  I really do think this is the one, the idea is pretty original (knocking wood against parallel development hell) and I think I'm doing a pretty decent job writing it out.  It's probably the most polished and the most streamlined I've ever written a script, which is no easy feet.

And this is no easy story, it has to be intricately layered in order to work. 

I aspire one day to write a story like American Beauty, where Alan Ball developed not just one character and story, but six.  That is not easy to do.  You only have 120 pages or so to invest an audience in the lives of your characters... you have to make them care, and to do that you have to make your characters jump off the page and become real.  Their problems have to be real and organic, they have to develop naturally. 

So once I'm done anyone who reads my journal who wants to read it can read it to tell me if I accomplished this. 

And keep your fingers crossed that no vampire scripts with a unique twist manage to sell until I get mine on the market.  And then let it be mine that sells.  :)

When a Good Day Goes Bad...

Okay that sounds more dramatic than it really is.  I started off today on such a good foot calorie and sodium wise.  We even went out to lunch at a new restaurant in town called Zookinis.  It's a salad, soup and grill restaurant so we figured it couldn't be too bad.

I opted away from the all you can eat Zoo trip that would give me unlimited trips to their salad, soup and potato bar (we all know that this has never worked for me in the past), and instead got their California Chicken.  It's a grilled chicken breast covered with a slice of monterey jack cheese, alfafa sprouts and a slice of avocado, served over parlsey rice with a side of steamed veggies.  I got home and worked it out on Fitday and everything was AOK.  I was doing fine.

Until dinner.  My youngest and I are home alone tonight and he suggested spaghetti with garlic bread.  My wonderful totals went right down the tubes. 

The good news is I weighed in at 289 still today, so I'm excited about that.  My water is way low, but given I can't eat another bite for the rest of the night, I think I'll be drinking it like a race horse before it's all said and done.

I'd like to say tomorrow is going to be better, but I promised myself I wouldn't lie in this journal.  It's Easter and I'm going to make dinner for my family and my mother.  Ham, mashed potatoes, some veggies, a fruit ambrosia and banana pudding for dessert.  I discovered a few ways to fudge some of these recipes so that they're low fat and low sodium, but I can't guarantee that I'll meet the 1800 calorie goal.  I am making a conscious effort to avoid some of the high fat/high sodium traps I fall into when cooking for a holiday (no relish dish for instance, though it breaks my heart.  I love my olives and my pickles).  It's like Jaqueline said in her journal Jacqueline's Weight Loss Journey, it's about modification.  You don't have to deny yourself, you just have to make smarter choices - which is my own personal motto.

I did realize the other day I've been consistantly hitting ten pounds lower each month.  In January I was in the 310s, in February the 300s, in March the 290s and now in April the 280s.  That's pretty cool.  And my "girth" measurement is now at 58.5", when it was 67" at the beginning of the year.  I've nearlylost a foot around! 

But you want to hear something weird?  I'm afraid to buy new clothes.  I always hated buying what I thought was my size and having it be too tight, and be hung in the closet and never worn.  So I have this list of clothes I want to purchase from Lane Bryant and I'm scared to death the size I order will be too tight, even though I know that's what the measurements are. 

The mind is a funny thing.

Calories: 2140 / 25% fat
Sodium: 2560mg
Water: 24oz
Exercise: None

When One Outlet is Closed...

Another one opens.  Though I haven't been writing here the last few days, I've been writing like a MADWOMAN on a new script.  I'm literally a woman possessed.  This story so fascinates me that I can't put it away, hopefully that will translate to the reader/audience that they can't put it down. 

To tell you how devoted I am, I just started this thing this week and I'm already on page 60.  Considering a script runs between 110-120 pages long, I'm half way done.  In fact, I just finished my second act plot reversal.  Remember that script I started last year when I started this journal?  It's still on page 25. AND thanks to The Bachelor it may very well be antiquated.  But that's a gripe for another day.

This script is actually a horror script about vampires, which happen to be the thing I'm most scared of.  I was researching this in the last few weeks in those overnight hours I'm so fond of keeping and I managed to scare myself silly. 

My two sounding boards, Steven and my best friend of 24 years Jeff, are thoroughly engrossed and keep telling me MORE MORE once I send them my daily installments.  For today I've had hourly installments it's been flowing so smooth.  This after months of creative drought.  It feels good to be able to write again.

I write every day, but as far as constructing a story I've gotten especially reticent.  I'm so afraid to "get it right" that I never get it written. 

Anyway, I've written myself sleepy so I'm going to head to bed.  Here are the totals, and all except for the sodium aren't too bad, considering I turned into a mean, green eating machine earlier. 

Calories: 1984 / fat: 20%
Sodium: 3544mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: my fingers flying over a keyboard

I feel the NEED. The NEED to FEED.

Well, the journal is still down. It's highly frustrating, but what can you do? We're at the mercy of the AOL gods. I'm having such a day of weakness. I weighed in yesterday (yes, I weighed in early) and it was 289 (which is what I wanted) and I want to weigh in still tomorrow (for the "official" weigh in) and for some weird inexplicable reason I want to eat everything in sight.

There were leftover chicken enchiladas and rice in the fridge and I scarfed it first thing when I got up. It did me in on sodium. I think I'm somewhere around 2300mg right now. And the calories aren't much better. I'm at 1400 right now, so to meet my goal of 1800 I'd have to only 400 calories for the rest of the day. I don't see it happening.

Don't ask me why I'm pigging out. It's not emotional at all... I feel physically hungry. It may still be emotional overload from the pills, not sure. But I just cannot seem to get satisfied.

I guess I'm a little upset with myself for sabotaging the day so early on. I'm not at all inspired to "make it right" by meeting what seems like unattainable goals. Only 200mg of sodium and 400 calories? In 10 hours?? I don't think I'm strong enough to tackle the challenge.

It seems I always do this before weigh in. I couldn't even begin to tell you why. Especially since the 289 goal was so important to me.

I will bring up an interesting conundrum. I notice that I lose more weight faster when I don't exercise. I noticed this a few weeks ago when I went on a week or so free of exercise and I lost like 4lbs in ten days. I went back to the exercise and I actually gained weight. I haven't exercised this week and again I lost 3lbs in just a few days.
I know I still need to exercise to get fit and resculpt my body, I just find the discovery interesting.

And as for the exercise I'm going to get back on that horse in a few days. I'm feeling a lot better today than I've felt all week. Yesterday I dosed up with Nyquil and went to bed probably around 8pm, and today - for the first time - I could actually feel a dent put in my exhaustion.

So where does this leave me today? STARVING. I couldn't even begin to tell you why. Maybe part of the recovery process? Either way, it seriously bites. One problem down and yet another arises.

This may be a fall down day, people. But the trick, as always, is not to stay down.

I'm going flippin out of my mind here. AOL Journals has been down for three frickin days. I'm trying to update using the IM to see if this works. Cross your fingers.
Argh finally. Okay, here's the lowdown on me for the last two days. Been doing really good with calories/fat, even water - but the exercise has been a casualty to me being excessively tired due to insomnia. So I've been taking it easy, trying to get my rest, etc. Anyway, my totals are over on Fitday and so will my journal entries until AOL gets its act together.
I sure hope this is cleared up by the 11th when I do my monthly checkin.
Here's the link:
http://fitday.com/WebFit/PublicJournals.html?Owner=geevie

This. Means. War.

I got the bright idea now that things are movin' and groovin' the way they are supposed to that I'd try another weigh in.  Now I'm up to 292.  My first impulse was, "Of course it is.  Why should I expect it to be less than 290??  It's going to take another week to get there, that's just the way things go for me."  Pity, party of one.

I ended up dragging Steven to Walmart to buy another scale for the house.  He was reluctant.  He fears I'm going to weigh myself too often and get frustrated (naw, me?), so we compromised and got a scale that measures body fat in addition to pounds.  It was SO nice to buy a scale this time and know I was well under the 330 lb capacity limit. 

According to this new scale the weight was 296, but that doesn't concern me much.  I promised that I'd let the GNC scale be the weight of record, and I'd go back to doing it once a week.  What I mainly want to use this scale for is the body fat measurement because I've been told repeatedly that lack of weight loss OR weight gain can be attributed to muscle mass.  So now we'll cut that little variable right outta there.  The official percentage of body fat as of today: 49%.  Let's all grimace together.  <eeeeeek>

Deanna, author of the Fat chick stated her goals in black and white and I've decided to follow her example.  This is my Plan of Attack, my Shock and Awe, on the 290s. 

Calorie Goal: 1800s, no more than 25% fat
Exercise Goal: Walk 10 miles in any variation, Pilates Mon/Wed/Fri
Water Goal: 96oz every day. 

They'll never know what hit them.

Calories: 1856 / 15% (goals MET)
Sodium: 2767mg
Water: 96oz (goal MET)
Exercise: Pilates and ab roller

New Journal

I thought that I'd share some of the recipes I'm enjoying on this weight loss journal so I created a new journal called Ginger's Kitchen.  Some of the recipes are lowfat, and some are just lowfat, low sodium variations of old favorites. 

Speaking of journals, ivorygrace7 is being spotlighted on AOL Takes it Off, April edition so stop on by and give her a big congratulations Jacqueline's Weight Loss Journey. 

Meanwhile I'm beat.  I worked probably 12 hours today on 4 hours of sleep.  It's time to recoup.

Calories: 2229 / 25%
Sodium: 2547mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: none

Here We Go Again

Today's weigh in showed me at 291, which is still a pound down from last week's weigh in, but a pound up from my early week weigh in.

It never fails that I get close to flipping over a milestone and I end up hovering around the goal for a week or two.  It's very frustrating.  Right now I want to see those numbers go under 290 more than anything, it's why I exercised so much this week. 

I know why my weight loss has stagnated.  I'm having Bran Issues, plus those birth control pills have my cycle all screwy.  I went from PMS to M back to PMS and then back to M without a break.  I hate that.  So I know in my logical mind that there are reasons the weight loss isn't as much as I'd like.  Also I can't forget that muscle weighs more than fat, and I did see an inch loss this week thanks to the exercise.

But I liked having those numbers drop by the twos.  So now I'm armed with my Prunes and Bran, tons of water and even some Midol for the water weight issue. 

I WILL see 289 or less next week. 

Calories: 1909 / 15% fat
Sodium: 2188mg
Water: 68oz & counting
Exercise:  None.  I'm bound by King Cramps today.

Big Fat Lies, Pt. 1

<taking place on soapbox>

Being about seven months into this new lifestyle I've adopted to lose weight, I've grown increasingly intolerant of all the weight loss propoganda I hear on TV or through the internet.  Most of these lies result in taking money from the wallet of the overweight, and they feed into what a person who is overweight might want to hear. 

For instance, "Now you can lose weight and still eat all you want and never exercise!"  All you have to do is order their much too strong to be sold over the counter probably not tested or approved by the FDA magic pill.  Sure, I'll take two bottles and throw in the Brooklyn Bridge, too. 

I love the ongoing debate about the different fad diets that are on the market.  To carb or not to carb, that is the question.  There's Sugar Busters, Nutri System, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, The Zone, Atkins, the South Beach Diet and many more new diets that pop up every day.  All you gotta do is buy this book, join that program, eat that prepackaged diet.  I lost weight on Nutri System too.  Most of it was in my wallet.

And show of hands how many of us have endless video tapes, tons of fad gadgets that help us to work out all stacked in a heep in the junk closet?  $1200 for a treadmill that tells me how great I'm doing?  Sure.  Mail it to my beach front property in Arizona.

I'm just so sick of it all.  This country is getting fatter by the day mainly because of what we buy as consumers.  We shell out money to be lied to.  We spend money on the lowfat stuff that's chock full of hidden enemies like sodium.  I'm convinced that unless you're very knowledgeable or very diligent, you can literally diet yourself to death.  The American Heart Association set forth a dietary guideline I'd be surprised if maybe 20-30% of Americans actually follow.  No wonder we have a skyrocketing obesity rate.

Do you know how many calories you're supposed to eat every day?  Do you know how many carbs you're supposed to have?  How much sodium?  How much fat?  How much water you're supposed to or do drink?  Most people don't know these things.  If they did fast food joints would go belly up.

Instead we all just go belly out.

Big Fat Lies, Pt 2

Don't even get me started on gastric surgery as a means to lose weight.  What they don't bother to tell you is you still have to change the way you eat or you can gain it all back.  It isn't a permanant cure.  They don't tell you that the odds of complication or even death are so unacceptibly high that insurers are now backing off from funding these procedures.  Nope.  Generally it's, "You're 100lbs overweight, you need surgery."  No thanks, doc.  Leave the carving for your Thanksgiving turkey.

On Oprah's show the other day Bob Greene (her fitness instructor) said it's not about wanting to lose weight.  Most people want to lose weight.  A lot of people started this year on a diet that have now abandoned their efforts.  You have to ask yourself if you're willing to do what it takes to accomplish that goal.  Am I willing to eat less and move more?  Am I willing to start putting my health first?  Am I willing to make the proper food choices that follow a healthy dieting guideline?

Or do I want to spend more money to be lied to, only to get even fatter?  Someone somewhere is driving a Porche, and I'm eating myself to death.  The statistics are stacked against us.  There's a 3 in 4 chance of failing any attempt to lose weight.  NO THANKS. 

I want to be healthy for life.  I want to learn what it takes to be healthy not just in a few months to lose 100lbs, but to be able to take the best care of my health possible.  And if that means I have to be patient losing weight "the old fashioned way", then so be it. 

Because I'm willing to eat less, move more and keep my hard earned money for all the new clothes I'm gonna need.

<stepping back off of soapbox>

Calories: 2113 / 24%
Sodium: 2707mg
Water: 81oz
Exercise: walked 1.5 miles

Mean People

If you read Steven's journal you already know what happened to us recently on a Pug bulletin board.  It just continues to astound me how rude and obnoxious people can be.  Every single message board, every single chat room, every topic you can Google under the sun seems to be plagued with at least one abusive bully who attacks first and asks questions later.

It ticks me off.  I hate to see people mistreat other people.  To me there's never a cause to be mean.  And in this case, when she made that "spayed" comment, I flipped out.  One of my very tender touchy spots is that Steven and I have had problems with infertility, and just because she didn't like what Steven had to say she flippantly tossed that out without regard to anyone else's feelings.  This doesn't even cover the private emails she sent to him calling him an idiot, accusing him of breeding without doing any research when the very reason we were there asking questions was to do research.  I just saw red.

Sjburgess and I met in much the same circumstances, on a Journey board many years back.  She made a post wishing Steve Perry health during his bad hip days, and a Anti-Perry-ite attacked her like a rabid pit bull.  I let him know what I thought (I'm opinionated that way) and she and I have been friends ever since.  I guess we have a lot to thank Meanie for.  (no joke, that was his handle).

Anyway it all just stupifies me.  I don't get what these people get out of being mean to total strangers.  I hate that the anonymity of the internet allows the baser instincts to take control, and people trash other people like they're nothing more than letters on a screen.  How hard is it to remember that there are people behind all these characters? 

I've worried about mean people coming here and making this an unpleasant place, but I have the control on what comments stay or go.  You can bet if someone is needlessly mean I'll delete first and ask questions later.  And if they don't like it, tough.  This is my house.  These are my rules.  And I like people to play nice.  :)

Calories: 2204 / 27%
Sodium: 2525mg
Water: 76oz
Exercise: none