The Clean Plate Club

"Waste not, want not."

"Don't you know there are children starving all over the world?"

"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.  How can you have any pudding if you won't eat your meat??"

I don't know about you but I'm a card carrying member of The Clean Plate Club.  This is why buffets are so dangerous for me.  If I pay $8 for all I can eat, I'm going to eat all I can.  But sadly it applies to every single thing I eat.  Portion control?  I don't need no stinkin portion control.  I paid for it, I'm gonna eat it.

I've tried the tricks.  Use a smaller plate.  Take half the order home.  But the hardest thing I ever did was learn to walk away without cleaning the plate.  If I'm full, I need to stop eating.  I can leave some on the plate to "save room for dessert".  I never understood that term before - dessert was always the reward for a sparkly clean plate.

I remember my California days where we'd go to eat at the Sizzler known for their  great salad bar.  If only it were salad that were on it.  They had pasta and fried chicken wings and my favorite, deep fried corn fritters.  (Pardon me whilst I wipe the drool from my chin).  And my kids made a complete value of the price of admission by eating their weight in soft serve ice cream.  If I paid that $6.95, I was going to eat at least $15.50's worth.

And let's not even get me started on Vegas, the Buffet Capital of the World.  Picture it:  The Mirage, 2000.  My kids brought plate after plate stuffed high with shrimp and crab legs... so did I!  Where else can you eat all the seafood you want for about $15?  I nearly had to be rolled out of the Fremont Hotel's Seafood Buffet.  And one day I'll get into the Great Champagne Incident at the Sahara.  Needless to say if you put a bargain loving Clean Plate card carrying gal in a city of excess, you're bound to have problems.

So to all the starving children in the world, and to my mother, I hereby apologize for ripping up my Clean Plate Club card.   These extra pounds aren't alieviating world hunger, and I'd much rather see those numbers in the scale go down rather than find my reflection on the bottom of the plate.

Calories: 1911 / 29% fat
Sodium: 2537mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: 1.5 mile walk, ab roller, Pilates

Foiling the Con Artist

See that girl there?  She's an excellent con artist.  If you give her enough time to figure out an excuse that can get her out of uncomfortable situations, she'll come up with some humdingers of cons to get her way.  Optimum comfort, that's her game.

Last week I didn't get in any exercise to speak of because I let too much time pass between thinking "I need to exercise" and getting out the door.  If I let those crucial minutes pass, I'll come up with tons of excuses to pass on doing what I least like to do.  This week I've made it a point to just do it.  (Thank you Nike)  If I think, "I should go on a walk today," I immediately start putting on my shoes and head toward the door.  If I think, "I need to do Pilates,"  I move that coffee table and press play on my Pilates tape.  If I don't, that con you see up there will do her level best to talk me out of it.

Well I showed her.  Today I went to GNC and weighed in at 290 lbs!!  That's another two pound loss since Friday.  We are doing it... I really believe drinking the water and watching the sodium is key - because it's the only thing I'm doing differently.  Thank you Fitday.com!

Now it's official.  I have 145lbs to get to 145.  I have to lose me to get to me. LOL  But I'm so excited that a few more ounces from now I can say that I have less to lose than I want to weigh.  A pretty big milestone if you ask me.

I just gotta keep that con woman under control.  One day she'll thank me.

Calories: 1770 / 21% fat
Sodium: 2734mg
Water: 68oz
Exercise: walked 1.5 miles, ab roller

Fat Unhappy Kids

One of my weight loss pals, Dave of The Big Fat Loser's Diet, talked about a study that had the surprising results that fat kids are unhappy.  Like Dave, my first response is "Duh!".  My second response is, as usual, this study has the cart before the horse.

Fat kids aren't unhappy because they're fat. 

They're fat because they're unhappy.  Eating is how they cope with it.   When you deal with an overweight child/teen, you're dealing with so much more than developing a healthy lifestyle.  You gotta find out what is the root of that symptom of weight.  If you don't, your overweight child/teen is going to become an overweight adult.  I know of what I speak.

Fat kids do not corner the market on ridicule either.  I think everyone gets made fun of for something or the other.  They're either too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, too rich, too poor, too ugly, too pretty.  That's how kids relate to each other.  (and some "adults" too).

I actually quit school because of a weight related issue.  I was a 210lb freshman in high school in my first co-ed P.E. class, and we were required to wear shorts.  If that wasn't bad enough, the coach was someone who used to coach football at my old junior high, and now he was demoted to a general PE class. 

I was not able to do what the other average weight students could do, and the coach was unyeilding.  If I couldn't run the entire mile and started walking half way through, he'd make the whole class run it over again.  I went to school a total of 26 days between September and November (my 16th birthday).  I tried to convince the coach to give me a break, but he thought I should "want" to be healthier and pushed me hard.  I even told the associate principal.  He didn't have any sympathy either.  So I quit. 

I went back and got my GED when I was 17 with no real remorse for missing the experience that is high school.   At the rate I was going, my prom would have made Carrie's experience look totally pre-school.

It's not what our kids are eating.  It's what's eating our kids.  (thank you Dr. Phil)  Figure that out and you'll have a healthier, happier child.

Calories: 1903 / 24% fat
Sodium: 2667mg
Water: 89oz
Exercise: Walked 3 miles, ab toner, Pilates

Human Being in Progress

It was an eye opener to realize that I wasn't the same person I was a mere few months ago, directly due to the fact I've lost 58lbs.  That person is not the same person that Steven met or even married.  And it won't be the same person I'll be when I lose 50 more lbs or even meet my weight loss goal. 

I think what I have found most is by taking away the weight I'm taking away the numbness that armor provided.  When I get hurt now I feel it and I have to address it.  This is my biggest growing pain, because it hasn't quite gelled yet that I'm worth more than that.  Bottom line, I was afraid to take risks.  I used being fat as an excuse to skate by without having to do the work that could make my life what I always knew it could be.

In fact I've sheltered myself away for so long to minimize the damage social contact could cause and what I've done is imprisoned not just me, but my family.  It's no wonder they're acting out the way they have.

So I need to make a conscious effort to embrace these risks.  Life is not truly living without it.  And that's one of the big reasons I decided to get serious and lose the weight anyway.  As much as I'd like to pass on the responsibility for things that have gone on recently, I have to realize I do have a part to play.  It all takes work. 

We fall in love by chance, but we keep in love by action.  I have to make life a verb.

Calories: 1913 / 13% fat
Sodium: 2656mg
Water: 69oz
Exercise: ab toner

The Price of Being Honest, Pt 2.

Quite honestly I was proud of him for doing it, even though I suspected he could get pretty beat up for it.  Unfortunately most of Steven's reponses tend to come when he admits a goofup, and they are very stern.  Again it comes back to the price of opening up your life to the world.  I guess I'm more afraid that he's going to find his journal to be a place he goes to get consistantly beat up rather than built up and he will abandon the effort entirely.  Which I think would be a sad thing.  Especially since he's using his journal mostly to deal with the issues he needs to change, and not the day to day grind like I do.

I appreciate the support I get from this journal and all the people who have let me into their lives.  When I fall down, I get support.  In fact there were times I admitted my own goofups here and I knew for sure I was going to get beat down myself, only to hear positive reinforcement that encouraged me to pick myself up and brush myself off and try again.  The first negative comment I did get was months into it, after I was over the initial fear of being condemned or judged or ridiculed - and I'm so glad that's the way it worked out.  Otherwise I too might have abandoned this journal and ultimately abandoned the weight loss journey altogether. 

I'm not saying you can't speak your mind in regards to events that are posted here.  That would also defeat the purpose of these journals as accountability tools.  I guess what I'd like to see more of is the understanding you've extended to me here be given to Steven as well, and to realize it's far easier to sit in judgment of someone else's actions than it is to muster the courage to post your failings to the world. 

And I believe that anyone who earnestly wants to change should be given the room to grow (and fall) with encouragement and support.  Otherwise love is conditional and not really love at all.  That's the kind of love I'm attempting to build with Steven.  A love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.  A love that never ends.

The Price of Being Honest, Pt. 1

Whenever you put your life out there for mass consumption you run the risk of being criticized or judged for how you conduct yourself.  Growing up in an intensely critical household, this was a big step for me to come and share my life, my journal and in particular all the disappointments or times I fell short with the world.  There were times I second guessed sharing so much, but then I have to remind myself that the reason this journal is such an asset to my journey is that I'm unflinchingly honest.  Not just when I break down and eat a Whataburger, but anything and everything that affects an emotional overeater like myself to conquer her addictive behavior.

My husband Steven has a lot of the same issues that I have, and hasn't quite embraced journaling as the tool it could be - but he has made some huge strides.  No one is more shocked than I am about his brutal honest approach to his own failings.  I have to be honest here and tell you that I'm not sure I could do what he's done.  He's laid all of his faults on the line without really pointing out what he's done that's good.  He struggles with some issues, it's true.  It's why he is in therapy, it's why we're doing a lot of work behind the scenes of these journals to renegotiate our relationship in such a way that neither one of us has to lose who we are for the other person.  Because I don't believe that's what love is about.  And it may end up we won't even stay together even though we do love each other and want it to work.  Right now it's a work in progress.  But then again, so are both of us.

We had a breakthrough the other night that as this journey continues, I'm not the same person that I was and that directly affects my relationship and how Steven reacts to the relationship.  These are things that I haven't brought to the table because I am working them out with Steven directly.  As was the whole poker/gambling thing - which is why I never brought it up even though I knew about it before he posted his journal entry about it.  That entry wasn't to appease me, but to deal with the issue he felt he needed to address in his journal that day.  It took a great deal of courage to post it when he didn't have to, and to me it showed he really is making the effort to live a more honest life - not just for me but for himself.

How do you say no to a face like this??

Well today Winston's prayers were answered and we finally went to the park.   He was so good and obedient too, as though he thought if he misbehaved it would be another long stretch between walks.  He understands the "stay" command, and in fact anticipates the command whenever we approach a situation I normally use it (like when we hit the curb, he'll wait for me without me having to tell him to stay).  I decided today to teach him "left" and "right", since it's a delicate choreograph routine to walk amidst all the joggers, the other people with dogs, people on skates, people on bikes - etc.  So I'd pull him to the left and say "to the left, to the left" or keep him tight to the right and say, "to the right, to the right".  Pretty soon I told him "to the right" and he crossed over from my left to walk on my right side.  He's so smart!!!! 

I measured today and I'm down another three inches for the week.  The girth, she be shrinking.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I also got the contraption you see in the pics above to help matters a bit.  My nephew swears by it, and he has my sister and his girlfriend using it for five reps a day.  I can totally tell the difference in the girlfriend, so I thought, why not?  I can do five reps.  And the upper body could use some... liftin and tonin.  Let's just say my 18 hour bra requires a ten minute smoke break every half hour. 

It was tough to get out and walk today.  Not necessarily bad once I got out to the alley and on my way, but gathering up the initiative to get to the alley - that wasn't easy.  My Pilates ball glares from me from its dusty perch over in the corner.  Ah, hell.  It's not as guilt rendering as a couple of brown Pug eyes that seem to scream, "Why don't you love me anymore, Mommy?", but it's time to remind myself there is no try.  There is do or do not.

I'm gonna do it.

Calories: 1475 / 18% fat
Sodium: 2314mg
Water: 81oz
Exercise: walked 3 miles, ab toner, Pilates

Every Time a Bell Rings...

Daniel is flying high tonight.  Our guardian angel did the impossible and it was just the most ideal way to spend his birthday. 

My mother and my sister have not spoken for a year and a half.  There's a lot of bad blood between them for reasons I won't go into here (they're not my issues to share).  Anyway something happened a while back that really severed what ties still bound them together.

Today my sister reached out for my mom and we were able to sit together as a family and have a rational discussion about our feelings, our hurts and our fears.  It was a beautiful evening, one I'd been praying for for a really long time.  And that it came on Daniel's birthday was the topper. 

Those we love who have gone on still hang around working things out from the sidelines, I believe that.  And Daniel really was an angel on earthbound feet there the last several years of his life.  As well as when I first met him.  The song "Angel" by Aerosmith was my song for him those first few years when I was head over heels in love with him and he "looked at me like a sister". 

I also weighed in again.  Fridays are my sister's weigh in days (she's using fitday.com as her diet tool too).  I'm down to 292lbs and 3oz.  So that's 2lbs and 8oz for the week.  2 1/2 lbs.... not too shabby.  I really believe it was the water that helped me.

My sister and I went to a mexican restaurant today.  Their sangria swirl was my undoing.  The numbers below show the damage.  But at least I know now what to do to avoid this in the future.  And knowing, as GI Joe says, is half the battle.

Calories: 2737 / 20% fat
Sodium: 4519mg (EEEEEEEK)
Water: 74oz
Exercise: None.  Winston is currently on Pee Revenge Duty.

Another Pound Gone

On a lark I decided to weigh in today even though it's not Saturday.  Mostly I wanted to make sure that the lack of exercise for the week wasn't sabotaging me completely.  Thankfully it hasn't.  I am down to 293lbs and 8oz, which is a 1lb 3oz loss from Saturday.  I sure like seeing those numbers go down.

I'm still feeling run down.  I actually took a pregnancy test yesterday because all the symptoms were indicating that might be a possibility.  It was negative, so I guess it's just the birth control pills I started taking with this cycle.  So it very well could be hormonal due to my cycle.  PMS is not my friend.

We're talking headaches (migraines), extreme fatigue, moodiness, insomnia (might have something to do with the fatigue), weird dreams, some nausea and a passion for sweet food.  I mean... it's almost an urgent need.  I've managed to make the sweets I've allowed myself work within my food plan, but I'd give just about anything to feel normal again.  I hate feeling out of control, and that's what PMS does to me.  IF Steven's benefits ever kick in I can go see a doctor about it.  Until then....  I'm really no fun to live with.

Tomorrow is Dan's birthday.  It's gonna be tough.  I think that's another part of what has had me down all week.  The boys want to celebrate it, I'd be glad just to make it through the day without any major emotional melt downs. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

Calories: 1742 / 22% fat
Sodium: 2569mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None. 

 

Inner Dialogue

One of the areas I've tried hard to correct, and it requires constant diligence, is how I speak to myself.  I'm my own worst critic and I'll be the first to insult myself in order to beat everyone else to the punch.  It's sort of a defense mechanism.  Like I'm saying, "See?  I already said these horrible things about me so therefore anything you add won't hurt me."   I devalue myself before anyone else gets a chance to, and over the years I've made it an acceptible practice.  And worst of all... I believe it.

I need to be my biggest supporter right now, not just when I meet goal.  I need to love and nurture myself like I do the people around me.  I would never, ever call anyone I love hopeless or worthless or a failure, but these are the things I have said to myself.  And when it's all said and done the only person I hear 100% of the time is myself.  So no matter what is added by outside sources, the inner voice is always going to be the loudest and the longest. 

One of the reasons I am imprisoned by all this fat is because I didn't feel unconditionally loved, by others, by God (we'll get into it when we start getting into religion and its impact on my life - I'm just not ready for that yet) and especially by myself.

Love was always about deed after my dad died, and I never felt like I was good enough.  And that has to change.

Especially with the weight loss journey.  When I start to feel like a failure or start telling myself that it's pointless to ever try to be successful because that big ol foot of life will just ram its way up my backside, the last thing I want to do is exercise, or watch what I eat, or even journal (last night I almost didn't post at all). 

Perhaps the most challenging change to make is how I perceive myself.  I need to remember that I'm worthy of being fit and healthy.  I am worthy of being happy.  I am worthy of being more than just a sacrificial lamb for those that I love.  No matter how much my inner voice wants to fall back in destructive behavior, I have to counter it with positive, supportive words of encouragement.   

In the words of Stuart Smalley, "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."

Calories: 1712 / 20% fat
Sodium: 2210mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: none

Happy anniversary to me

It was on March 23, 1999 that Steven and I met thanks to the internet and a chat room called Hopelessly Romantic.  I would like to report that we had a fantastic romantic evening, but I'm still working through a lot of emotional BS so it fell incredibly short of my expectations.

Maybe I just expect too much.

I've been wrestling a lot with depression lately.  I'd blame PMS but I think it's just more of my familiar demons playing hell with my emotions.

Not to mention Daniel's birthday is coming up on Friday.  I think it's just over exaggerating everything else.  And things like the Ho's appearance the other day don't help.

I'm not eating my way out of feeling blue, that's the good news.  I got really upset today that I can't eat what I want when I want it, that's the bad news.  But I didn't overeat.

I also didn't exercise.  I wasn't kind to myself tonight.  Tomorrow we'll talk more on inner dialogue - at the moment I'm going to shut my inner speaker up.  She's giving me a major headache.

Calories: 2080 / 25% fat
Sodium: 3203mg
Water: 36oz
Exercize:  None

Time Flies

It occured to me yesterday that April is nearly upon us.  It seems like January was just yesterday, and I was a little wary of making any long term plans for this weight loss journey.  I wonder how many people began the year with a lot of enthusiasm to finally get fit this year that have long since given up the good fight.  Yet here I am, still plugging away instead of being one of those people yet another year in my life.

And I'm convinced that the eating is a new lifestyle.  No diet here, this is how I plan to eat for the rest of my life.  It includes "real" food, it includes eating out and it includes forgiving myself the occasional binge - and I have more control over my eating habits than I've ever had before.  This is a good thing. 

The only problem area left is the exercise.  On days like today, when I get up much later than I intend to, my incentive to get any exercising done is minimal at best.  I hate that I have to continually motivate myself and it would just become habit.  I meet my fitness needs about 4-5 times a week, but I'd like to see that go up.  It's all a matter of doing it.  I think switching my sleep schedule back to being awake earlier in the day is going to help tremendously. 

I'm not really being productive staying up all night.  And it has lent to my more lethargic habits, and that's gotta stop.  I don't look forward to the switchover, but I gotta do something.  I'm tired of being tired. 

I did get a walk in today.  We drove over there though and that feels like a step back.  Especially since I didn't want to walk even if it meant I got a ride over there and only walked the 1.5 mile track.  So I have to make a change that will get me back up to speed. 

As always it's a matter of restrategizing my attack plan.  I know who my enemy is (I've lived with her for 34 years), so I know her weaknesses.  I'm gonna win this war.  No matter who or what is sabotaging me.

Oh, and thanks so much for the kind words of support for my entry below.  I like knowing you all have my back.  :) 

Calories: 1867 / 25% fat

Sodium: 2671mg

Water: 48oz

Exercise: walked 1.5 miles

Waiting for the boiled bunnies now...

Not a good day today.  I ate more than I wanted to without even thinking about it.   I mean, I still ate 1300 calories under what I burned, but I kinda liked keeping my calories at about 1800.  I think I'm more upset that those numbers marched up so drastically without me even thinking about it.  It was a hectic 24 hours.

Last night Steven's ex coworker came by his work to leave him a note complete with her numbers, "just to check up on how he's doing."  Steven was honest and told me everything right away, so I'm not mad at him.  I'm very highly p*ssed off at her though.  It was bad enough that she flirted with a married man.  Her reappearance as if she has any right or claim to him now is the last straw. 

In fact, it gets the territorial possessive jealous redheaded Irish Scorpio in me fighting mad.  My first thought... who the *&^#^% does she think she is?   She threatened me for calling her a slut, calling me a fat bitch.  Well DUH.  She should remain ever mindful of it.  I'm not someone she wants to mess with.

Steven called her back to let her know that she had definitely crossed the line and that any future contact is unwelcome.  I hoped he'd be meaner about it.  This would be the second time he told her that he didn't want to see her anymore.  She's either stupid or just plain doesn't give a crap.  Either way, she's not going to take no for an answer.  So no doubt she'll be back.  I want to see those bridges not only burned, but vaporized.

 Because I hate that the new relationship I have with my husband includes an annoying gnat of a ho buzzing around whenever she feels froggy.  My first impulse is to give Steven ultimatums.  But you know what?  It's gotta be his choice.  Her reappearances tromple all over me when I never asked for any of this sh*t to begin with.  If that's something he's willing to deal with, he'll handle her with kid gloves.  If not, he'll tell her in plain English that she isn't worth throwing away nearly five years of a good thing. 

The only problem is, she nearly was.  And she knows it.

Calories: 2432 / 25% fat

Sodium: 3260mg

Water: 70oz

Exercise: none

March Photo Update

I have to say I'm totally jazzed today.  It was weigh in day and I lost 1lb and 11oz (which is cool) but three other really cool things happened that I just have to share. 

First of all, these pictures.  I'm wearing the exact same clothes I wore when the December photos were taken, and you can totally tell how these clothes now hang off of me.  That is just AWESOME.

Second, one of my measuring points is what I call "the girth", it's the area between my waist and my hips and the main reason I can't wear a 26 pant yet.  I was bummed to learn a few days ago that the length of the tape is about 3 inches longer than I was giving it credit for.  I was counting the 60 inches it measures, but it's got a three inch gap after that.  When I started measuring this area, there was a four inch gap from either end of the tape, which means that was about 67 inches.  (YIPES). 

Anyway, today I measured and it not only meets, it overlaps... and that's just from the beginning of the year when I began to measure it.  That is what I call a non scale victory.

Third, one of my journal entries (Pugs, Pedometers, Pilates & Prunes) is being featured on  AOL People Connection: Pets Talk, spotlighting my favorite fitness coach, Mr. Winston Q. Pooter.

Calories: 1700 / 25% fat

Sodium: 2904mg

Water: 86oz

Exercise: (will update later after I have completed them)

All Wrapped Up

Mission Tortillas now make these tasty new wraps and I'm addicted.  I bought the Jalapeno Cheddar Wraps and the Herb Garlic Wrap.  They have a lot of flavor.  The trick, however, is what to fill it with considering they're 210 calories each, and they have 800mg of sodium. 

Tonight it was some lettuce, some mushrooms, some fat free cheddar cheese, some non fat sour cream and some homemade pico de gallo.  The total calories turned out to be 288, with 5 grams of fat.  The sodium was a tad high with the cheese and the tortilla, probably around 1200, but this wrap is so big and so filling it can replace a meal easy. 

My sister is so excited about fitday.com, and she introduced the site to my nephew's girlfriend.  Both of them rush to input new information to see how their numbers change, and they both are thrilled that they can eat what they want as long as they modify how it affects their daily routine. 

I love the fact that you don't have to diet to lose weight.  You can actually enjoy food.  And I find the more you understand food the less you want all the bad stuff.  I took my sister to Fazoli's for dinner and she got a gander at the big milk chocolate cookie sitting in their bakery case.  I told her to look up the nutritional info on that puppy and she wouldn't think it looked so appetizing afterwards.  She got out her trusty nutritional information packet and exclaimed, "53 grams of fat???"  Suddenly that cookie lost all its appeal. 

Even without that cookie we had a nice dinner and enjoyed good food.  This is how to do it for the long haul. 

Calories: 1854 / 17% fat

Sodium: 2344mg

Water: 48oz

Exercise: none

Exercise

I've documented more than once in this journal that I don't like to exercise.  I know it's something that I have to do, not just to lose weight but even afterwards, but I still don't like it.

There was a disturbing study that revealed obesity was quickly closing in on smoking as a leading cause of preventable death.  High fat diets + inactivity = heart disease.  So in order to fend off this monster, I have to exercise.  I hope as time wears on I begin to enjoy it, however this has been the last remnant of my former life that clings still.  If you want to know where my true struggle lies in all this, it's embracing exercise.  Food choices, no biggie.  Exercise is a daily ritual I have to psyche myself up for and talk myself through.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Since the weather has turned pretty I've enjoyed my strolls around the park.  It feels good to be out and enjoying the sun.  The bike is still something I have to gear up to, but thankfully there's music to help me get into the groove.  Two of my main four (that run the 20 mins I ride in my fat burning zone) get me so motivated to move that I barely notice keeping the 30mph + pace, and the time zips by.  Those two: Don't Leave Me This Way, by Thelma Houston and River Deep, Mountain High, Celine Dion's version.

There's some new music that might make it to the CD soon.  Hey Mama by the Black Eyed Peas or Yeah by Usher.  Infectious beats are what I'm after.  I can also shuffle around some older hits, importing New Attitude back into the mix, and a little Prince to get the blood flowing. 

I just can't grow bored otherwise I'm sunk.  I think that's where I went wrong with the Pilates, which I still haven't done.  I need variety, I need spice.  I need it with the food choices, and I need it with my activities as well.  Maybe soon I can write the entry that says I love working out.  (Don't hold your breath)

Until then I'm blasting my stereo and just gritting my teeth through it. 

Calories: 1759 / 16% fat

Sodium: 2651mg

Water: 48oz

Exercise: 30 mins stationary bike

Don't Panic, I Didn't Pass Out in Green Beer...

Though entirely Irish I may be.  :)  Happy belated St. Patty's Day to everyone. 

I actually got out of the house last night and it was nice.  I went over to my sister's and she's now a converted fitday.com-aholic.  This program just totally ROCKS.  The control it gives you over your food and your weight loss process is priceless - and the best thing is it's free.

So much money is made off of the desperation of overweight people seeking those miracle cures or those helpful crutches, when we're all a bit like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  What we need we already have, it's just a matter of knowing that we have it, and putting it to use.   I saw an ad the other day for a treadmill that comes with a CD that will program the treadmill to include inclines while playing music and having a cheerful voice tell you how well you're doing.  For just four easy payments of $50.  C'yah right!  I get that for free just going out my front door and heading to the park. 

The things I want to spend money on are things like new Pilates routines, because I know they work.  Or maybe some more herbal supplements that help me feel better and my body work more like it should.  I've been taking St. John's Wort for about a week now to try and shake that cloud of depression that fell on me last month, and I like the fact I can feel a difference.  These are things I'll spend money on.  More gimmicky equipment, no thanks. 

I know what it takes to lose the weight, it's been in me all along.

<clicking bright green sparkly shoes together> There's no place like thin.  There's no place like thin.

Calories: 1773 / 23% fat

Sodium: 2492mg

Water: 72 oz

Exercise: walked 1 mile at park, clocked in 12,012 steps running various errands.

For My First Wish I'd Like....

Steven and I got the rare opportunity to go for our walk together today.  We used to do it every day, now because of his work schedule, we do it once every couple of weeks.  It's sad, because that used to be "our" time. 

Anyway you can tell spring is on the way by all the little leaguers out practicing today.  As we made our way through the fray I noticed all the parents around my age (or maybe younger) who owned expensive SUVs, probably had nice jobs and nice homes that they own, not rent.  When I see things like this, I start to think that I've lived a half life.  I've coasted for so long, and skipped over things that other people managed to accomplish that I feel I'm coming in tardy for class. 

I always spent so much of my younger life dreaming of things I'd like to accomplish, up to and including the writing aspect of my life.  I've written a few books, but I've never really pursued selling them, and I never really polished the talent with any real discipline.  I am no Stephen King, who spent his time from early on practicing and honing his talent AND marketing himself to become who he is today.  No, I wanted to be the writer without doing any of that pesky writing stuff. 

I also wanted to be thin and gorgeous without doing any of that exercise stuff.  And if, two years ago, a genie plopped into my life to grant me any wish the first words out of my mouth would have been, "to be thin". 

Today, for the first time ever, I realized that if a genie appeared to me today I would NOT ask to be thin.  I'm perfectly okay with working off this weight because I know I CAN do it.  And this revelation means I can do anything else too.  I've been writing a lot lately, and I can see my skills develop.  So I know I can make that work on my own too.  I wouldn't ask for a new home or a new job - I no longer have to dream out of fear.

I can live out of faith.

Calories: 2039 / 24% fat

Sodium: 2316mg

Water: 72oz

Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles, 30 mins stationary bike

A Walk in the Park

Winston nearly jumped out of his pugskin that we finally made it to the park.  It was such a nice day for it too.  It was about 70 degrees, with a thunderstorm to the south so we could see those big billowing purple clouds in the distance.  There was a nice breeze and everyone who was out was in a good mood - myself included. 

I reflected on the journey thus far.  The buds on the trees are preparing to open and the skeleton trees I've been walking under for the past few months will finally explode to life.  Just as they're changing, so am I.  In November when I began walking at this park I weighed 330lbs.  Since then I've lost 35lbs.  When I began walking at the park I kept to the 1 mile track.  Now I walk nearly a mile there, effortlessly clear the 1.5 mile track and walk nearly a mile home.  Of course, in November I was going every day, but with the warmer weather I can get back in that routine again. 

Way back when I was much heavier I remember barely being able to walk a quarter of a mile, the thought of what I do now would have scared me to death.  I feel really proud of what I've been able to accomplish.  Who knows what things will be like in another three months?  I even thought about how my kids really want bikes, imagine the four of us on bikes together this summer. 

The possibilities are endless.

Calories: 1999 / 27% fat

Sodium: 3072mg

Water: 96oz

Exercise: Walked 3 miles

Diets are not One Size Fits All

Posted on the entry below was a comment that suggested I could be losing weight faster if I went down to a lower calorie requirement and denied myself high caloric foods like fast foods.  That's most likely true.

However, this isn't my first time trying to lose weight and I had to find something that worked with my strengths AND my weaknesses.  One of my principle weaknessess is deprivation.  Ever since my dad died when I was 11, I've had this subconscious need never to deny myself anything ever again.  I keep medicating that inner child with excess to fill a void that won't ever be filled.  If I deprive myself totally, I backslide totally and ultimately abandon the process.  So the fact that I can indulge some of those impulses (and even when eating that bad stuff I still maintain my daily goals), and STILL lose weight is a big deal for me.  It's more important than how fast I can shed the weight.

Which is the second issue.  I'm highly impatient.  (this lends to the impulsiveness).  Whenever I've started diet programs that promised big results fast and I hit any kind of standstill, I'd quit.  So the fact I've allowed myself the time to get healthy without imposing any kind of unrealistic expectations on myself is another big deal for me.  No matter what I do or don't do, 20lbs a month is not a realistic expectation for me.  I'm comfortable with the 2lb loss a week I've experienced since the start. 

And studies show that the slower you lose the weight the better your chances are of keeping it off for good.  Speaking as someone who has gained and lost a gazillion pounds in her lifetime due to this diet or that, I like the sound of keeping it off for good. 

What I'm on is no diet.  It's eating enough calories to lose weight at a steady pace, making sure I meet all my nutiritional requirements and keeping my fat intake in the suggested range.  This is an eating plan for life, something I will maintain long after the weight is gone. 

So while I appreciate all comments and advice, the way I am approaching my weight loss is something I had to custom make for me.  I've adopted the pattern of keeping what works and weaning away what doesn't - it's all a learning process.  And for me, I've learned that a 1400 calorie diet devoid of all "comfort" foods is not a realistic long term approach to my weight loss.

Eating Your Way to Thin...

Once again I must praise fitday.com.  I'm so excited so many of you are using it also because it totally rocks.  I've never had so much control over what I've eaten as I do with this program.  Not only do I know how many calories I take in each day, but I also know if I am meeting nutritional requirements and if I indeed burn what I eat. 

As you may already know, my requirement for fat each day is 30% of the total daily intake.  That's what the American Heart Association has said is ideal.  (they go on to say that only 10% of that should be saturated, which is also my goal).  Anyway there have been days when I have started the day off with a fattening food (can you say Krispy Kreme?  I knew that you could), and my stats read 45% fat.  EEEK.

But as the day wore on and I made better nutritional choices, that ratio began to level out, and I managed to get it down to where it was supposed to be.  I kid you not, one day I had to stop eating because I was too full.  I was one bowl of Malt-o-Meal away from a 30% fat total, but I just couldn't do it.  So I settled to 33% instead. 

Information truly is key.  By keeping my eye on the sodium, the fat and the calories, I can eat when I want to eat as long as I make educated choices about what to eat.  Imagine how psyched I was when I found a new restaurant (Fazoli's) where I could get food that wouldn't totally sabotage my numbers.  And it's good food!  I got a Baked Chicken Parmesan even though it was 20g of fat, just because it looked so good.  That day I came in within all my daily goals.  It was a hallelujah day. 

The exercise is gonna have to wait one more day, but tomorrow I'm doing it come hell or high water.  I'm going to do a vapo-steam here shortly to get the gunk moving more than it's done already today.  And I'm going to try the hot lemon water journey2sarah suggested on the entry below.  My main goal in life is to be able to breathe with my mouth closed.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Calories:  1861 / 16% fat (woo woo!)

Sodium: 2603

Water: 72oz

Exercise: coughing up a lung

Okay I Lied...

I was having a rare "thin day" so I thought I'd venture to the mall anyway.  You know... just in case.

I'm happy to report I'm now 295lbs and 5oz, which is a total loss of 3lbs and 4oz for the week.  That's the good part about retaining water, at least once a month you can count on a dramatic loss. 

Hopefully this is the result of watching the sodium too.  The coming weeks will show for sure.

The further away from 300 I get, the better.  Toward that end I'm going to start exercising again hopefully tomorrow.  I still have a lot of gunk in my nasal passages, but I hope one more night of Vicks Vaporub will clear that up.  Then it's back on this weight loss horse. 

Gettyup.  :)

Calories: 2213 / 31% fat

Sodium: 3234mg

Water: 72oz

Exercise: none

Not much tonight...

Just an update tonight.  I'm still battling this cold and it's got the better of me sadly.  I'm just riding the wave until it's over, and then it's back on program I go.  Hopefully by tomorrow I'll tackle the bike at least.

Also I doubt I'll weigh in tomorrow, it's cold and rainy in our little part of the world and I don't want to get out into it.  So we'll just stand on the 297 I weighed in on the 11th.

Calories: 2220 - 23% fat

Sodium intake: 2321 (woo woo!  finally under 2400mgs!)

Water: 64oz

Exercise:  whining and feeling sorry for my sick self.

Month #4 Update

The scale was merciful.  I now weigh 297 lbs and 6oz, down 4lbs and 1oz from February's 301lbs and 7oz.  I also managed to shed 4 inches for the month.  So that means even though my weight loss slowed down to an average of 1lb a week, I still managed to lose weight during the chaos.  All of which I'm very happy about, even if I didn't meet my 8lb goal.

With that month tucked safely behind me now I'm ready to step up the exercise and keep to my commitment of living a healthier lifestyle one day at a time.  My goals for this month include:

Gonna get real about the toning.  It's a known fact that muscle mass works as a furnace to burn fat, and I totally let this slide all this last month.  It explains the screeching halt my steady weight loss came to.  So Pilates here I come, and I may even order the Windsor Pilates tapes I saw Daisy Fuentes hawking on an infomercial.  I figure maybe a new routine will excite me more.

I'm still going to watch the sodium, although I may not be as rabid about it.  I'm gonna try watching it for one more month to see if it makes any real difference.  I notice that things low in sodium (grains, pastas, potatoes) are high on the Glycemic Index so that leads to overeating.  All I have to remember is to step up the water intake, and that should help me shed the excess sodium.  But we'll see.  This month was not a good one for experimentation.

I'm a size 26 as far as hips and bust go, but that waistline is still reading higher.  It's time to work those abs.  It's also time to step up cardio as well - as that will help melt away the fat that's covering all those abs.  Walks and bike used together four days a week (or every other day) and pilates & bike on the alternates, taking one complete day to rest.

Goals for April 11th - weigh in at 289 (an 8lb loss, or 2lbs a week) and lose an inch from each major measuring point (5 inches). 

Calories: 2183 - 21% fat

Sodium: 2476mg

Water: 48oz

Exercise:  None

I Will Not Beat Up on Myself. I Will Not Beat Up on Myself...

Okay I admit it.  I'm sick.  I tried to pretend that I wasn't sick, I even went on my walk.  The bike is out.  Pilates is out.  I'm going to do what little work I have to and take Nyquil and go to bed.

Sodium went over today, everything else is fine. 

Period+cold+bad month+totally crappy month = not great results for Ginger.  I weighed in today just an ounce over 300.  I hope tomorrow I'm down to 298 again, that would mean I lost 4lbs for the month.  I guess I should be glad I lost anything.

I'm really totally committed to making this coming month better.  Hang with me.  I won't let any of us down :)

Calories: 2081 / 30%

Sodium: 3504

Water: 72oz

Exercise: Walked 1.5 miles

There's a Cold A' Comin

I'm coming down with a cold.  It's that scratchy yucky feeling at the back of your throat that kind of echoes through your whole nasal passages.   This means a cold is on the way. 

I went into this really long tirade about how my trip to Whataburger was going to set me over goal, but it turns out I misread the information.  So it's all good.  Whew.  I thought I'd painted myself into a corner two hours into the new day. 

I was actually speaking to my friend today how deprivation issues are causing me to self destruct.  I think I've finally put my finger on the source of the problem.  I've worked so hard in the last month to try and maintain the status quo that I've totally ignored a subtle feeling of depression that has sunk in.  It's affected my sleep, it's affected my dreams (I had a doozy yesterday about being coerced into sex with a family member - I've been disturbed ever since) and it's affected my energy level.  Which is why I've managed to sideline the Pilates.

So I bought some St. Johns Wort tonight.  I figure the multi vitamin I bought has made me feel so much better, I'd give this other herbal remedy a try.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

I'm a little worried about my month check in on the 11th.  I feel like the weight loss is either going to be small or worse, I'll have gained.   After my 12lb loss the last month, I was hoping to maintain.  Unfortunately this was not a good month for my new lifestyle.  But I'm not going to beat myself up.  There's no shame in falling down.  I just can't stay down. 

Calories: 2006 / 30% fat

Sodium: 2760mg

Water: 96oz

Exercise: Walked 3 miles, rode stationary bike for 10 mins.

Back into Routine

My vacation from the routine means that getting back into routine hasn't been easy.  Not necessarily the eating patterns, I think that I have those pretty well licked.  I ate a Krispy Kreme donut today and still managed to keep mostly to the goals.  I went a little over in fat, but I know that's how it worked out with everything else I ate. 

In fact, I entered all the food I ate over the weekend and I never went over my caloric requirement.  I ate a lot more fat each day, and the sodium was atrocious, but on the whole I shouldn't have gained any real weight to speak of.

I actually weighed in while we were in San Antonio and came in at 306lbs.  !!!!  That's an eight pound gain in two days.  The arrival of my least favorite aunt is due any day, so it could be water weight.  We'll find out on Thursday when I do my monthly update here. 

My biggest issue as always has been the exercise.  I managed a lot of it while we were gone, but getting on the bike tonight was no easy task.  I don't know why it's so hard for me to do what I know needs to be done to keep up the weight loss.

There are things that are much harder to accomplish or face that people muster the courage to fight every single day.  I know that I can handle thirty minutes of exercise, so there's no excuse for me to slide.  I've been lazy lately, and it's time for me to kick my butt into gear and give this my all.   You only get out of things what you put into them, and I have been lackluster lately.  No excuses, just the honest truth. 

So I vow here to make the following goals:  ride the stationary bike 6 days a week, and alternate a walk to the park and Pilates those same 6 days.  Today it's the bike and Pilates.  Tomorrow it's the bike and a walk.  I'm GOING to defeat this weight.

Calories: 1863, 33% fat

Sodium: 2579mg

Water intake: 48oz

Exercise: 30 mins exercise bike

"There's No Basement at the Alamo!!"

Don't worry.  I refrained from wearing my impossibly high heeled platform shoes and dancing to "Tequila".  Instead we had an absolute BLAST at San Antonio.  The kids all rave it's the best city in Texas, and their second favorite city to Las Vegas.  High praise. 

The main reason we went is because Timothy is studying about the Alamo and really got excited about this particular aspect of Texas History.  I'm all for helping foster that enthusiasm, even though I myself had never really had the desire to go.  I know.  Bad Texan. 

Going and actually walking the grounds made me so very proud to be a Texan and to know that this is what we stand for.  To live free from oppression.  To make a stand or die trying.  This has inspired me.  If they can all fight and die as heroes, then I can fight and live as one against anything.  Even this bloody weight loss.  We'll get into that later.

The San Antonio Zoo was an incredible experience.  Refer to the photos above for the details.  If you go I highly recommend the Lory Landing interactive exhibit.  It was by far our favorite part of the Zoo.  And I got 12,000+ steps in doing this and the River Center Mall.

If you're a mall fiend, you HAVE to go here.  It's one of the most interesting malls I've ever been in.  It's three stories and has the San Antonio River running through it.  This is where you can board a boat for a tour of the River, we went at dusk and it was incredible.  Such a great city.

With all that greatness came great temptation.  Two words for you.  Krispy and Kreme.  We don't have a local Krispy Kreme, so guess who wanted to buy some just because I was there?  Yep.  Guess who also went to a Marie Callenders and ordered a slice of the ever decadent razzleberry pie?  Right again.  On the flip side I did keep mostly to the diet, I drank water like a fish and I walked.  A lot.  Just ask my poor throbbing tootsies.

Meanwhile I'm beat.  I'll talk more tomorrow.  When I tackle my food and exercise with all the fire and gusto this proud Texan can muster.

Looking Temptation in the Eye

This coming weekend is going to be a challenge.  We're going to San Antonio and while I'm really excited about the trip (I've never been), I'm nervous about breaking routine.  Without access to this journal or fitday.com, which has totally become my essential weight loss tool, I'm going to be flying blind.  And eating out.

I weighed in today because I couldn't weigh in on Saturday.  No change, big surprise.  I'm not particularly worried.  Even though I had given myself permission to eat up to 2500 calories, I didn't make it much of the week.  So I expect that by the time I weigh in again it'll show a loss. 

Unless of course I go hog wild (literally) in San Antone.  Eating out is my weakness, and even though I've delivered myself from thinking that I should indulge in the luxury of eating bad foods, the temptation is always there.  So even though I will most likely go over in terms of sodium, I'll make sure every choice I can make is a healthy one.  Grilled instead of fried/steamed instead of sauteed/dark sauces instead of white or cream, fish/chicken instead of red meat.  And of course lots and lots of water.

The good news is all the walking I'm going to get in on the attractions alone.  The Alamo, a museum, the zoo which covers 35 acres.  I'm going to dust off my pedometer and see exactly how many steps I can stack up.  If it's 10,000 each day we're gone, then that will help me forgive myself for not being able to do the bike.

So anyway I'm off for the next few days.  I'll miss you guys and I am going to take tons of pics while I'm gone to share with you all our San Antonio Adventure.  Everyone take care and keep on truckin.  :)

Calories: 2187 - 21% fat

Sodium: 3316

Water: 72oz

Exercise:  gonna ride the bike again tonight

Sodium Strategies

As you know I've been monitoring my sodium intake, alarmed to find that I was eating way, way too much.  According to the food guidelines you should get less than 2400mg of sodium for a 2000/2500 calorie diet - and when I say diet I mean a general eating guideline, not necessarily a lifestyle only adopted to lose weight. 

Anyway, I found out I was going over 3000mg easy - and on some days even skating right on past 5000mg.  Which is way too much.  It surprised me to learn, once I started watching for it, how sneaky sodium really is.  It's in everything, and some things overload you (i.e. fast food).  In fact, it's even more surprising to me to learn that things that have sugar or carbohydrates are very low in sodium.  Cheeses, even lowfat cottage cheese, have a lot more.  So the shift in the diet has been an interesting one.  What I've found is that my calories have gone down a LOT since I started going by sodium intake, and I'm eating a lot more grains/carbos and sugar.  The good thing is, that's all still under control, I'm under 300g of that per day, which is also included in that guideline. 

Tonight I made a dish my mom used to make - baked chicken smothered in cream of chicken soup and served with chicken Rice a Roni.  Color me surprised when I discovered that the soup and the rice alone added up to over 1800mg of sodium.  After some educated shopping, I found low sodium alternatives (healthy choice soup and reduced sodium rice a roni) which cut that number in half.  I still got the nummy dinner, but I didn't have to sacrifice my sodium goals to do it.

I'm also swimming in water.  I have a sippy bottle that I swear to God says 8oz on it, and I drank four.  I'm waterlogged, thinking I need to drink four more??  Then I realized that also on the label it says "24oz sports bottle".  !!!!  So that means I drank 96oz of water today.  No wonder I sprinted off that stationary bike to run to the bathroom.

** edited to add I just realized it said 1 pint, 8oz.  See what being on a restrictive eating plan does to brain power??  LOL

Oh, and I rode my bike yesterday too.  I'm back on the horse, so to speak. 

Overall a good day.  :)

Calories:  1822 / 24% fat

Sodium: 2881

Water: 96oz

Exercise: 30 mins stationary bike

"You're a Joke and You Always Will Be"

This was the subject line of an email I received today.  This comes from a former boss of mine who made it her job in life to stomp all over me all while I was working for her, all the while telling me I deserved to be treated that way.  I've long since quit and ceased having anything to do with her, which is a story that will never fit here but I'll eventually deal with on my website, but she keeps cropping up just like Freddy Kruger. 

It's no accident that I ended up having to deal with her again right now.  Like a shark smells blood in the water she probably instinctively knew it was a good time to strike.  Unfortunately for her, her opinion holds no water for me anymore, and while it was not a pleasant experience to extracate her from my life (for what I  hope will be the final time... she holds on like a Pit Bull and won't let go of her favorite whipping boy), and dealing with her vile menacing insulting mean attitude is never something I relish - I am HAPPY. 

I'm happy I didn't take her crap.  I'm happy I could tell her to go take a flying leap.  I'm happy I could tell her she CAN'T treat me like that anymore, and what she says or thinks has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with who I am.   Who I am is what you see here.  And the many many emails and comments I've received tell me that the people who really count don't think of me as a joke, and that I am a worthwhile worthy human being.

I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes.  But I'm also a good, decent person who has just as much right as anyone else to be happy.  I'm not going to let the venom of an abuser change the way I look at myself anymore.

No more negative stuff for this girl.  I'm going to live my life and be happy and if she can't then that is not my problem.  And I'm done taking responsibility for her problems.  This was just her sad, pathetic attempt to have the last word - and I don't want any part of it.  Her approval of me is neither desired nor required. 

Signed the often funny, often witty, sometimes comical but NEVER A JOKE Ginger.  :)

Calories: 1632, 26% fat

Sodium 1483

Water: 48oz

Today was a BUST

I went off the wagon today, but not as much as I could have.  Still, my goals were shot to hell.  It was a deprivation day.  I have been wrestling with the concept for a while now, and today it just hit me harder than it usually does.  I think it's all pent up.  I'm a little concerned that I won't be able to keep to my low sodium committment considering it's just so complicated to find something to eat.  This feels a lot more restrictive than it did a week ago. 

Plus I'm still dealing with other emotional issues.  I won't bore you with them here but suffice it to say I'm feeling a lot of resentment.  Steven's crime of opportunity really brought home how much I've changed since we met.  I don't feel as independent, I feel like I rely too much on everyone else and that just royally SUCKS.  I'm not the kind of person who depends on other people, I like to stand on my own two feet.  I'll fight my way kicking and screaming to make it on my own rather than ask for help.  Pride may be part of it, but I'm not completely convinced it is all of it.  Trust is at the core.  If you depend on people, you open yourself up to get hurt, to be let down.  And for me to trust anyone with that is a big deal.

Unfortunately now that my trust in Steven has been shaken, it really hit my security hard.  So I don't want to rely on him anymore.  I don't want to rely on anyone.  And sadly I'm in the position where I have to do just that - for now.  And today I burst through that coccoon damned if I'd let anything stand between me and what I want.

Including my goals.  But I'm not going to beat myself up.  The only way this defeats my ultimate goal is if I let this destructive behavior continue, which I don't plan to do.  Today is a new day - I will succeed.  It's time to channel destructive emotion into productive action.  One thing's for sure.  I know I'm strong enough to make it work.  I am stronger than one bad day.

Calories: 2596, fat 35%

Sodium: 4240

Water: 49oz