First of the Month Update

As you may know, last month I started using photos to update progress while in "workout" gear.  Meaning I'm in shorts and a tank top.  I have to be honest here and tell you of all the stuff I do, this is the hardest.  Looking at these photos, and especially putting these photos online, literally make me cringe.  BUT.  I think as time goes on I'll be able to see the difference and be glad I did it, much like the other photo update I do on the 20th of every month.

This is month #2 of this new photo installment, so the changes are small.  I'm going to grit my teeth and do this anyway.  It doesn't help I've gained a pound since last weigh in.  Just for the record, you can't have your pie and eat it too. 

For the month the total is 4lbs and 9 inches lost, so I'm pretty proud of that.  Now that I've gotten back on the exercise horse, I anticipate seeing a bigger change next month.  As always I see the biggest difference in the side view.  If you use the view larger option on the photos, you can see them side by side.

As for the day I guess I'm going through PMS because I've wanted to scarf all day.  I mean I really want to pig out.  I'm really using my self control today.

And speaking of self control we're going to go over that in this coming week.  I was watching Joyce Meyer this morning and she was talking about selfishness.  The ministry of Me Me Me.  We are so focused inward we barely register what is going on outside of us.  We stop short of doing God's will for our lives because we're too worried about OUR needs or OUR feelings.  Well I almost didn't even watch because I figured, this doesn't apply to me.  I'm not a selfish person. 

But as the sermon went on I realized something.  Being overweight is a form of selfishness.  It's a state of being focused on MY needs and MY feelings.  I ate to medicate, without regard to my responsibilities as a parent, to stick around and do my job until they're grown.  I shrugged off exercise because it's uncomfortable, it's time consuming, it takes me away from what I really wanted to do.  I wanted to sit my ever widening tuckus in a chair in front of my computer rather than spend a measly thirty minutes out in the sun, getting some exercise.

Not to mention I used my weight to get out of doing stuff.  When I could have been out enjoying life with my family I was hiding in my house.  Because I didn't want to get my feelings hurt or feel the condemnation that comes hand in hand with obesity.  I certainly wasn't thinking about my kids or my husband.  No, I was all focused inward.

And it didn't get me anywhere, as the pictures above can attest to.  Though I'm emerging slowly but surely, most of what you see there is a wall to keep the outside out and me in.  I was being selfish. 

Dr. Phil says you can't change what you don't acknowledge.  So I acknowledge the fact I spent too many years being selfish and self centered.  I let my feelings of deprivation and entitlement rob my family of living life to the fullest.  Furthermore, I repent.  Which means to turn away from.  This is more than an apology, this is a change of course.  I married Steven, but never put it in my daily focus how I could make *his* life better.  I had children but never really put it in my daily focus how I could make *them* happier.  I am a Christian, but I never really made it a habit of doing something each day to even make God happy.  The minute any of their needs encroached on my needs, guess whose needs won?

I've been stingy with myself.  With my time.  I may provide for my family, I may support my family, but when it comes to giving of myself, I shut down.  It was too scary to give anything of myself because I was too afraid that I wouldn't get it back.  I never wanted to be used.  Subsequently, I ended up the user.  I turned to food when I should have turned to God.  Had a rapturous love affair with food when I should have been romancing my husband.  Nurtured my own wounded spirit, stuffing it down with comfort food instead of nurturing my children.

It was a total ministry of Me Me Me. 

This is in no way to beat myself up.  There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).  I've repented it, God's forgiven it and that settles it.  Now I know better and I can - scratch that - WILL do better. 

And it starts now, with paying attention to my husband who wants to spend some special time together because both our kids are gone.  Who says selflessness has to be a bad thing?  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm sculpting a beautiful and healthy body. 

Calories: 1976 / 26% fat
Sodium: 3996mg (eek!)
Calcium: 1333mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected