My First 1200 Calorie Day

I'll admit.  I've been a baby today.  This diet (and it IS a diet) blows.  BUT I'm on a mission and nothing is going to deter me.  It's only a week.  That's all.  And I'm one day down.  I can do this.

Journey2Sarah, one of my most devoted commenters, has suggested that I'm addicted to sugar.  I haven't wanted to address it.  I gave up fat.  I gave up sodas.  I gave up fried food.  For the most part I've even given up a LOT of the sweets I normally eat.  I'm hanging on to sugar as tight as I can.  It's all I have left.  I don't even drink anymore.  So yeah I'm listening... I'm just not ready to say good bye to my sweet tooth.  My fat free pudding today was the highlight of my day.  I'm an addict, I admit it.  All I ask is a little patience while I work up the nerve to say goodbye to it.  I'm making teeny tiny baby steps, honest.  I'll get there.  It just won't happen overnight.

Sjburgess51, my dear friend Jeannie, has also suggested that because my generation eats out more that contributes to the weight.  I wouldn't argue that at all.  It's another area that I have not been able to cut the ties to.  I like to eat out.  I like the convenience of it.  Cooking dinner isn't on my list of fun things to do.  And it's too bad because I'm a pretty good cook.  I do resort to cooking in when I can't find any other way to have what I want within my restricted eating guidelines (namely sodium).  Again it comes back to my issues with patience, and right now I can safely tell you I have zero. 

So I do appreciate and read every single comment even if I cannot respond to them all.  I just really don't know what I'd do without you all.  The constant edification I get here is amazing to me.  When I write the most raw entries where I even am embarrassed to post them, I get the most supportive responses.  It's really astounding that people whom I've never met are the ones who keep me on the straight and narrow, just by extending their hearts and their thoughts to me out of geniune kindness.

That's kind of what today's sermon was about.  A pastor from the local homeless mission church came to speak to us today, talking about how Jesus' plan and purpose was to reach all people, and he never became hard hearted to anyone.    Each one of you who reach out to me, a virtual stranger really, is such an act of love.  It touches me more than there is room in this journal to express.  So I want to thank you all for being so faithful to read and follow my journey, always supportive and encouraging, giving me limitless amounts of advice.  You all ROCK.

Which brings me to the scripture that spoke to me today.  Remember I've been dealing with fear a lot in breaking some of the spiritual bondage I've suffered that resulted in my obesity, and this scripture kind of grabbed me by my arm and said PAY ATTENTION.

1 John 4:18 (NIV) - There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Which is true.  I was afraid of posting those pictures below because I felt condemned, that I had failed so badly that my weight has gotten so out of control and the whole world can see it.  There's NO hiding it in that picture.  All I've received from all of you readers is love, and I really had no reason to feel fearful, except for condemnation is just another extention of that bondage of fear. 

The Message reads that verse in this way: There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment is one not fully formed in love.

So I'm working to break that fear.  Today I did step out and go shake hands with people.  I *almost* didn't, because the Pastor instructs all the members of the church to introduce themselves to guests, and *technically* I'm a guest.  But I resisted that little devil and went anyway.  I spent more time worrying about it than actually pained while doing it, which is typically how it goes, isn't it?

Speaking of Pastor, I think I've finally found a church where I can be nurtured.  As long as I've been a Christian I'm still embryonic in my faith.  I've done and seen great things of God, but still I need to be taught and loved just like a baby or child.  And this Pastor can do it.  He's offered to take Steven and I out to lunch just to meet with us and get to know us better.  I've never had a Pastor do that before.  It may be because it's such a new church, but the love I feel there is going to help me break through all this fear.  I've included the name of this church over in my favorite links, and the next time the membership classes are offered, I'm going to go. 

I realize I use my weight loss journal to speak on a variety of topics.  It's my belief that everything in my life affects my journey.  The physical body is affected by the spiritual body and the emotional body, they're all connected.  And as an emotional overeater I can tell you that when it comes to my addiction to food, all things can either be excuses or they can be stepping stones.  It's just how I choose to use it.

So this journey is more about my weight loss.  It truly is a Journey to Me, and who I am as a whole person. 

One day I'll know who that is.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Calories: 1285 / 19% fat
Sodium: 2091mg
Calcium: 936mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None