My dear friend Jeannie suggested that I write a non fiction book documenting my journey to self discovery.
Little does she know, she's reading it.
This was always intended to document my long road to where I want to be, and I had the hope that one day I could accumulate all these entries into a book to help others along the way.
In the weight loss struggle so much of the time we read the stories afterward, when they're a success. All the talk shows do the before and after stories, and aside from Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge, we rarely ever get to see the gritty reality behind those amazing weight loss stories. No one knew Jared until after he lost the weight and started hawking Subway for a living. Not that I'm knocking him, not at all. Not only did he change his body but he changed his life. And I salute him.
But we rarely ever see the struggle DURING. I have a theory about that -- that's why I think that my various requests to magazine editors to feature my diary entries in their publications have fallen on deaf ears. Because the odds are really totally against overweight people trying to lose weight (I believe the statistics are that 3 in 4 dieters will fail in their attempt to lose weight), the "during" stories that we get invested in are more likely to end up in disappointment.
How many people have started this new year on a diet only to leave it lapsed halfway through? We get caught up so much in the mechanics of losing the weight -- exercise and food control -- that sometimes we miss the reason behind our being overweight in the first place. I truly believe for most people it's an emotional issue. I think a lot of people medicate with food where alcoholics may medicate with alcohol, drug addicts medicate with drugs, etc.
This journal has replaced emotional eating in a lot of ways. Being able to come here and confess my sins rather than hide them in a quart of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, or vent my frustrations rather than sink my teeth in a Dairy Queen hamburger, has taught me how to deal with my emotional issues from within.
What hurts me isn't going to get cured by stuffing it down with food, that's a temporary fix. Eventually, no matter how hard you try to stuff it down it will bubble to the surface anyway.
The whole reason I went public with my journey was to force myself to beat the statistics. I really deliberated if this was something I could do all the way to the end, because I surely didn't want to let anyone down. So I use that accountability, hanging onto it with zeal. I come here every day without fail because I connect with my journey every single day -- putting it on "project status" where I deal with it every day. This is as important as a job to me.
This is the job of my life.
Like I say in my intro - I'm writing the story of my life one page at a time. It is my hope one day to launch this into a book that can help others as they walk their own journeys. Nothing thrills me more than to receive comments or emails saying how much my journey has inspired someone else. It affects me two fold. First as a writer, knowing that what I write can affect someone else. It's pretty amazing when you can write a fictional story that makes another person laugh, cry or feel When it's your own life it's even more amazing.
Second it humbles me to know God is using me for a greater good than just my own health and happiness. That's all any of us can really hope for.
And one day, hopefully, a publisher will agree and I will be able to cross the aspiring part out of my title "aspiring writer." I'm "learning to dance" and the whole world gets to see. Sometimes I stumble and fall, but there's no shame in that. The only tragedy would be if I stayed down, which I no longer accept as "okay" for me.
My "growth buddy" Jeff (who is reading and learning from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway along with me) has been sending me a bunch of positive quotes to help fight the Chatterbox. It's an issue for both of us, so we are inundating our subconscious with positive messages to fight that incessant naysayer. The one quote we found today and I thought, "THIS is it, this is me," was from Bernadette Devlin:
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.
I'm going to beat the statistics - and hopefully I can encourage others to do the same. It is my prayer that God use and direct me for His purposes, whatever that means. Maybe it will be to teach a legion of women imprisoned by their emotional eating to break those chains and learn to dance themselves.
Either way, you all are along for the ride. And I am *soooo* grateful that you are.
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am strong.
Calories: 1252 / 24% fat