I got my two books from Amazon today, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. and Woman Thou Art Loosed by T.D. Jakes. I started on Feel the Fear, since that's been my big focus these last few days.
So much of what Susan said hit me dead on. I understood about the negative thinking, the victim role I have relished, the reasons for my fear - it's enough for a month's worth of entries and I'm only 3/4 of the way through.
We'll start at the root. The root of all fear, according to Susan, is the doubt we can handle changes - good or bad. If you fear getting sick, losing your job, losing a loved one, or maybe changing jobs, taking risks, it's all a matter of insecurity that whatever it is would simply be too much to survive.
She contends that if we just approach every single opportunity (she doesn't like to call them problems) with the attitude "I can handle anything!" then the fear would soon be a non issue.
It showed me that I've created this environment because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle change, loss, rejection, or even love, intimacy and success. Deep down I don't feel I can handle these things, so I do whatever I can to protect myself, invariably creating a prison for myself. And it never fails that the prison hurts me so much more than just getting through those experiences.
For so long I've been so passive. I let life happen to me, and then take on the victim role when what happens is bad. I have written four novels, five screenplays and countless poems - but I've never sold a one. I don't know if I really felt that just sending out a piece of work every ten years would actually get me sold, or if I just felt comfortable being the "suffering" artist who couldn't put her foot in the door.
The only difference between me and someone who has sold, is that they actually took a chance. They risked the rejection. I, on the other hand, wanted to wait until I was perfect.
Susan discusses this in her book as well. She calls it the WHEN/THEN game. I spent my whole life waiting on a time to come when I'd be ready to take my chances. When I write the perfect script, then I'll try to get sold. When I lose weight, then I'll go network with people and try to get my script sold. When I lose weight, then I'll be more social and unafraid of new relationships. When I get more confidence, then I'll set out to do the things I know I need to do.
Well there is no WHEN/THEN. These are things I create by doing, not waiting. It's like I told my sister a long time ago about waiting for motivation. If you wait for motivation, it never comes. You just have to do it.
So I just have to do it. Life is too short to play the WHEN/THEN game. Will things be easier once I lose the weight? Most likely - but with that comes new challenges as well. There will always be new opportunities that will be scary at first, as I contemplate whether or not I can handle it.
Therefore I have to establish full on in my head without question that I can handle anything life throws at me. Some things are going to be harsher than others, but each have their own lessons to be learned.
And the first thing I have to teach myself I can handle, is losing all of my weight. Not just some, not just halfway, not just to another "comfort zone". I can handle the journey that takes me to 145lbs. I can make the changes, I can roll with the punches and I can make it out of this prison of fat. I can handle it.
One of her exercises is affirmations, so I will begin adding that to my journal entries as of tonight. The trick, she says, is to write the affirmations in the present tense. Instead of saying I will learn to like myself, I like myself. Name it and claim it as it were. It's time to replace the negative speak with positive speak. One of those things is going to rule my thinking, it might as well be the one that is going to make me happy, rather than living in doubt and fear. The first one I may have to repeat for a while, because it's just that important.
So my recommendation for anyone is to read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. In fact, I'll probably be buying a copy a piece for my sister and my mom, because that victim/martyr crap I grew up on was generational. It's time to break the chain.
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am creating a healthy and beautiful body.
Calories: 1293 / 28% fat
Sodium: 2728mg
Calcium: 1008mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None
4 comments:
When I was about 15, I made a decision that has affected the rest of my live so completely that I'll never know the full impact. I decided that even when I was scared out of my mind, I'd make myself do the things that I knew I needed to do. That one choice has made me the person that I am today. I still feel uncertain and insecure, but because I've put myself in places that make me uncomfortable and come out on the other side, my confidence has grown. Making myself do what I need to is still a daily battle, but it's so much easier after years of practice. One day, I'm hoping I won't even have to think about it anymore. Kudos to you for starting the process. I need some company on this journey. Goewynn
I love this entry. Thank you. :) And I am working on the same things as you are, Ginger, and I don't feel so alone when I read your entries. What this all reminds me of is the saying they use in AA (and OA, in my case)..." Fake it until you make it." I never really TOTALLY understood it's meaning until now. I really believe that some of these affirmations, whether we believe them or not, WILL become reality if we keep telling ourselves over and over the REAL truth. Not just our screwed up, dysfunctional ideas that we are NOT worthy. Sigh. It's not easy, but OH SO necessary.
This is so good! I read your whole entry out loud to Emily. It is so true that we can handle anything. I've handled my husband abandoning me with 5 kids and a move to the projects. I can handle anything. :)
--Jacqueline
AMEN, my sistah!!! Thank you soooooo much for writing this post. I'm going to get Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway just as soon as I can, hopefully within the next week or so. From the way you've described it, this sounds like a book I can really, really use. We all have our fears and God knows I've been wondering what to do about mine. I know the Word says that God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind, but I just haven't quite made the connection in some areas of my life.
Like you, I believe everything happens for a reason, including my meeting you online. Hang it there, girl and keep workin' it. You'are doing a great job. Thanks again for the book suggestion. I believe we can handle anything life throws at us, we just have to learn how. Oh, and thanks for your encouragement and support. It means a lot to me.
God bless you, precious one! Be back soon. :o)
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