In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers talks about the Chatterbox, that internal naysayer we all have inside us that tries to undermine our confidence. The one that whispers there's no way you can accomplish your goals, you're really not worth anything good, don't get your hopes up because nothing that good can happen to you - I'm sure you know the one. Well mine's a real blabbermouth.
As a matter of fact my Chatterbox was hard at work last night. As you know my script has been requested by a management firm, and due to this or that we haven't mailed it yet. The problem came when I opened the script again with a critical eye - just to make sure that it was "perfect", since I'd been alloted this extra time just by life events.
So the Chatterbox began to eat at me, trying to tear me down from my high. I posted some of my script up on this screenwriting message board I frequent, and several people mentioned how it was "novelistic". In screenwriting terms, this is not a compliment. So I started to worry if maybe they were right - despite the fact that the script consultant never said anything about it - in fact said I had a nice writing style and a good "voice". I started to worry that maybe it was too much, which lead into worries that it really isn't good enough to be represented, much less sold. What makes me think I can write a movie that will make millions of dollars? You get the picture.
My whole day was spent telling my Chatterbox to shut up. I went to various sites that offer produced scripts to read, reading the opening to The Exorcist, What Lies Beneath, The Sixth Sense and Scream. I should probably read The Others too.
Anyway all those scripts have a rich descriptive action, and it made me feel better. After all, if I'm going to compete with those writers to sell, I might as well write like they do. My script got a consider without having to chop huge blocks of action away, and I should feel good about that.
I should also feel good that the concept got someone excited enough to read it. I shouldn't give into that dumb ol' Chatterbox.
Why can't I write a movie millions of people will pay money to see? I'm smart, funny, entertaining and awfully creative. The stories I tell are just as good as movies that are made every year - and sometimes better than. Bottom line - if I can't believe in me and my product, how can I convince anyone else to?
It's tough, man. When you've lived your whole life listening to that Chatterbox, it's hard to turn it off. Difficult, but not impossible. I just have to replace that negative voice with a positive one. And that goes for every facet of my life - up to and including my weight loss. Constantly it reminds me of all the times I've started this journey only to fail, what makes this time any different? I've always quit everything that meant anything - school, diets, marriage, writing - so what makes THIS time the time I succeed?
I think the problem is I've been taught that low self esteem equals humility. If anyone compliments me, rather than thank them I feel like I have to compliment THEM, to show them that they're much better than I am. I have been taught spiritual poverty - that I must accept how lowly and unworthy I am. I hate that religion did that to me. Instead of being taught that I am the righteousness of God, I was taught that I was a dirty dog sinner who deserved to go to hell - I was just darn lucky Jesus was so forgiving. But in John 3:16 it specifically says for God so LOVED the world - and that's where I need to focus. If I were truly so lowly, then why would God, the Creator of the Universe, love me? No, we were made in his image. The idea we are scum doesn't come from God or Jesus. I'll refer to my husband's journal and point the finger right at the little red jerk.
So I'm going to accept that love and I'm going to stand tall in who God created me to be. There's humility, but more importantly there's never forgetting who you are and who God wants you to be.
Therefore I'm going to fight that stupid chatterbox, because it's gotten me no where but hiding in my house, thinking I'm not good enough to own my place in the world.
And that stops now.
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a good writer with a story good enough to be made.
Calories: 1295 / 28% fat
Sodium: 2470mg
Calcium: 1101mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None
3 comments:
Hey hi Ginger! You are developing nicely your comments each day. I see you growing from this exercise of writing down your journey. There is a psychologist author pre-Jeffers that originated the positive self talk; his book is around here somewhere. I think of him because he explains in great detail how to implement eliminating the "non-constructive" negativity. When I get a chance I will come back to it for you. I already told you weeks ago the sum of it: the subconscious mind believes ANYTHING we tell it. So just tell it great stuff about yourself! LOL.
The script thingy is a journey too isn't it? Each time you go through the motions it is a step forward.
The reason you are going to drop the weight this time is because this time is different. Because you believe in yourself and you have people that love you in constructive ways not only staying with you but praying for you. You cannot fail. Besides, you did not wake up one morning 20 years ago and say, gee, I'm going to go out and live my life as a fat chick. NO. It was never a conscious decision. You are a victim of it all. Now you are learning how to fight back. And fighting you are--we all see your struggles each day. You have been telling yourself that you are in control all these years that you are heavy because you want to be (obvioiusly I disagree with Dr. Phil.) You no more want to be heavy than the man in the moon. You have however learned to say, oh yes, I did this; I want to be fat because it does x, y, or z for me. This is a delusion. You are a slave to your fat not the master of it. Once you realize this truth it sets you free. You know you have control over your body. Oh no-- this time you will do it because the truth is setting you free my beautiful dear.
Hey Gin!
Ya know, The Beatles first record was simple but did it sell? Ya, I ran my little 12 year old body out and bought that sucker! So did millions of other folks. You have to start somewhere and if the expert said send the manuscript, send it while it's fresh on their minds & don't doubt you talent. :)
Now, my heartfelt thoughts on this are from a viewpoint totally away from the self esteem issue you mentioned. I am wondering if the Holy Spirit is nudging you on the subject matter of the manuscript? I still think you need to write a book for women too, a self-help book. I love reading the "get close to God and learn" books. I think the Holy Spirit works through most of the writers and it feels as if God still sends His love letters through them. Anyway, just a thought. :)
Love you,
Jeannie
Ginger,
I got 3.5 pounds away from my goal and last night I found myself in a battle against my own chatterbox. This isn't an easy journey, it's a journey many give up when it starts getting tough. And I don't mean tough in the weight loss aspects but tough when we start dealing with the mental and the heart of the matter.
You should submit the manuscript .. don't talk yourself out of this ... don't think of selling yourself short!
Keeping this comment short ... I have to run to the airport to pick up my son. :)
Monica
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