I'm a big Nick at Nite fan, I watch it religiously. I'd rather watch these tired ol reruns than most new stuff, to be honest. There's something safe in the familiar - like being able to go home again.
My favorite show of the current Nick @ Nite lineup is Roseanne. I relate a lot to Roseanne, for a lot of reasons. I think we have the same type of personality - the survive at all cost mentality I'm sure most working class families and their matriarchs must have to get through the day. I'm not as abrasive as she is, but we come from the same place.
Anyway we're at the end of the second to last season where Dan has his heart attack. For obvious reasons I get understandably upset because it reminds me of my Dan and his heart attack. As I'm sitting here, bawling my brains out, I realize that a lot of what bothers me isn't that someone else has died, it's that I could die. I know I will eventually, but being as heavy as I am it literally weighs on me with more pressing urgency. The chamber is spinning, and I'm pretty sure there's more than one bullet in there.
My birthday is coming up next month, my 35th. I realize that isn't that old, but sometimes it scares me that the clock ticks on and one day I will face what we all inevitably face. Oprah had Susan Sarandon on her show the other day and they were both talking about how great it was to be 50 and I nearly hyperventilated at the thought. I brought it up to my best friend who just last Thursday celebrated his 35th, and he said it was easy to feel like you hit your stride at 50 when you've accomplished what you wanted to accomplish.
That's when I realized that death doesn't scare me. Running out of time does. On Roseanne Dan put it beautifully - that we work so hard dealing with things on a day to day basis that we put off other things. I'll lose weight later. I'll mend fences later. I've got time to do all the things I want to do.
And that's just not true. Before we know it the last grain of sand has passed through the bottle neck and all our intentions mean nothing. Like my friend Jeannie says - it's the dash in between the date we were born and the date we die that means everything.
I know it seems like I'm preoccupied with death, and that's probably true. I don't know why it haunts me more than normal people. Probably because it's had a profound impact on my life by stealing away people that I loved from such an early age on. I know first hand how Death creeps in when you're least expecting it and pulls the rug out of everything good and normal in your life.
So I started a war against the Grim Reaper a year ago, with the war cry, "You cannot take me yet." I'm not going to make his job any easier - I'm going to fight him every step of the way. But since about February and especially since May, I've stopped fighting and started to put things off. I have enough time to do the things I want to do. There's always going to be just one more day.
Fear is a great motivator. That and pain. Both have managed to kick my butt into gear at one point or another. But the one thing I know about me is when I decide to fight, my feet dig in and I will not let go until the fight is over and I have won. Hear my battle cry. The war continues.
Today I dumped the Lindora plan and went back to eating more nutritionally. It may be slower, but I know that I can do this. I know what has to be done, and I know I got the gumption to pull it off. I've got a size 34 dress that drapes on me now to prove it. Interestingly enough, today I ate the same amount of calories I did last week and I felt satisfied. I didn't feel the need to feed. I think I'll listen to my body - it's not so dumb after all.
But one thing it will not like is instituting exercise. There's a spy in my camp, and my lazy butt is it. Since I'm going to stay up all tonight to flip my schedule over, I'm going to do the exercises for Monday through the night - except for the walk, which Steven has agreed we'll do together when he gets home from work. Winston doesn't know yet... I expect him to jump completely out of his Puggy skin.
I know as soon as I start seeing true results again it won't be so hard to keep up the momentum. But starting is always the hardest part. And my body is very happy that it hasn't been tested to its limits lately.
Little does it know...
It still thinks it is going to have just one more day.
But now I know that I have to fight to have it, even if the person I fight is myself.
Sat. Fat: 10%
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm strong enough to make these changes, and I deserve the good things that will come from my strength.