First of all, I had to show off my new outfit. Shameless Plug o the Day - That shirt is available at Lane Bryant. It sparkles and I so like things that sparkle. Steven calls me his little magpie.
Now for the topic. It came to me during church as I realized that I do not fully comprehend God's Grace. I just do not. I've been ultra critical of myself for so long that I just do not understand what it means to be accepted with all my many failings.
Which royally sucks because I like to be perfect. And since I'm never perfect I live life under a horrible umbrella of criticism and self loathing. It's why my stagnant weight loss bothers me so much. I liked when I was "winning" this battle and the pounds were dropping away. Staying still feels like failure and if there's one thing I cannot stand it's failure. When someone tells me that this journal helps inspire them, it surprises me. I'm not at goal weight yet, I'm still in the battle and I feel like I'm sorely losing that battle. So what could I possibly have to offer?
An interesting by product of all this pressure is that I don't impose it on anyone else. I don't expect anyone else to be perfect. I never get mad at people for not being perfect. Probably because in my mind everyone on the planet is way more perfect than I will ever be. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground with me - I'm either 100% perfect or 100% failing. And since I'm not 100% perfect right now, guess what I feel like?
And it hit me today during worship service that if God treated me the way I treated me, I'd be in some serious doggy doo. I do not understand the extent of his grace. He never asked that I be perfect in order for him to love me, he just did. Despite of, or maybe because of, my failings. Everything that I am good or bad make me, me. And while that's so not enough for me, it's just right for God.
Ever since July when we had so many sicknesses in a row, I've dropped off in my church attendence. And each time I miss church I feel so sick that I'm not being the perfect little church girl. I project that judgement onto my church, which is ridiculous because they have never ever made me think I had to be anything other than what I am to be welcome there. I project it onto God by distancing myself away from him. Goingback tochurch is physically difficult because I'm so scared of being looked at as inferior. It's not how they look at me, but how I look at me.
As I'm standing there in church, going over how much God has blessed me anyway - the things that he has done for me anyway - despite my many failings is just a testament of the grace, love and mercy that I believe God embodies.
What business do I have projecting all my own issues on that?
So I'm going to work on this perfection thing. It's a nutty thing to even aspire to, because the only thing I'm ever going to be perfect at is the art of being imperfect.
Therefore I better start liking me the way that I am. I better start recognizing that I am more important and worthwhile being an imperfect human than a perfect facade. I don't have to do one thing to be loved or valued.
I'm going to start treating myself with the same grace that God has demonstrated to me. If it's good enough for him, it should be way good enough for me.
Calories: 1880
Fat: 29%
Sat. Fat: 9%
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Day of Rest
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I was never created to be perfect. I was created because God saw value in who I am and who I would become in my struggle through imperfection.
5 comments:
Now you are beginning to annoy me!! You know you are NOT staying still because you are losing INCHES! Believe you me, having to choose between the two I would take inches over what the scale tells me ANY DAY! Later for the flaming scale! Not to mention the health benefits you are achieving. Non-tangible but very very REAL. A non-scale victory is a victory too. You win the war, but certain battles cannot be understood until the war is over (and won by YOU!). In this entry you assert that you are not winning. You cannot tell yourself that because it is not true. Stick with the truth. Size 24, 10 dress sizes = definitive WINNER in the fight! You have no choice but to fight on. If you don't fight you will not only not drop even more dress sizes than 10, but you will lose the victories you have just barely begun to sieze/comprehend. Do not live in denial. You are winning--10, ten, TEN! (double-digits here) dress sizes is a huge victory! Many women have gone to their grave trying it and not accomplishing it. Once you have won, and you stabilize then you can utilize a different strategy. But for now, it is still war baby. War is not a pretty sight--must keep your focus--regroup from time to time. Because years are involved, it is more like a world-war. So you MUST employ all the motivational/even propaganda tactics necessary for the victory. You MUST win. The alternative is not an option.
OK, here I am at the pulpit ... :)
Ginger, Jesus died for you, you are saved and God's grace covers you, we agree on that for sure. Satan however is having a field day with your judgements against yourself. The past mistreatments to you by others (your childhood traumas) are waging the war I do believe.
I must tell you that in my years of experience with women, at your age the past seems to oooze out and you actually begin trying to deal with it. I've had two friends that were raped as children, very young children, and they buried all their fear, anger, and other emotions until they were about 30 - 35 years old.
I do not know the answer as to why it comes out at this age but it does. You have been struggling with this for a while. Is there someone in your church that could talk with you?
My preacher was my counselor and I tell ya, it was the best thing I ever did for myself! It still took time to work through several things but I did and laid some BIG monsters to rest.
Occasionally, when I get too far away from God, they come back like Freddy or Jason. When I get reconnected with the Lord, they disappear again. :D
Maybe this fight needs a referee, so you can rest a little and not demand so much of Ginger.
Gin, you look fantastic! Pat yourself on the back, praise God and rest tonight. You deserve it!
Love you my friend
That is a wonderful word! Thank you for sharing it! Do you mind if I steal your idea of putting your calories and such at the bottom of your entries? I really think that being accountable and knowing that someone else is seeing all that I do would help me stick to my diet!
Tracy
Ginger...you look fabulous!!! And yet again, your journal HAS inspired me, even though you say you could never understand how it could. It inspires me because you sound so much like me when you talk about your struggles and your feelings about yourself. You continually press on and never give up even if the scale doesn't say what you want to say or you don't get in all the exercise you should have. You are a fighter, and like another comment to this entry said..you ARE going to win the battle, because you have it in you to never give up! Every entry you make in your journal, and every litlte baby step you take speaks to me about how I can do it too! Because you seem to think so much like I think, I feel so much less alone and so much less abnormal in the personal stuggles I have. Your journal inspires me in so many ways I can't even begin to express them all!
I do like the insights you had into God's grace today at church...much food for thought there for me! I understand the concept of grace just fine...but applying that concept to myself personally is a different story! Expecting perfection from myself is one of my biggest downfalls too! God may have spoken to you at church, but he just spoke to me through you! :-) So...fabulous Ginger...keep going for it...you're doing awesome!
*HUGS* Nancy :-)
You look great! I wish you the best of luck and keep up the good work!
Elisa
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