Monday, Monday

Started off the day right, did my bike, did my Pilates - missed the walk though.  I joined up the Reebok Walk it Off challenge and the first goal is to walk 30 mins 6 days a week.  I blew that particular challenge. 

I went ahead and did my totals for yesterday just to see what they came up to.  I was really happy to learn that the regular food I ate yesterday hit about 1800 - 1900 calories, even with all the samplings.  Where I went overboard was the Lemonade Pie.  I had two pieces yesterday.  Not at the same time mind you, but still more than I needed.  My bad :(

I'm going to sample with this recipe a bit and make it as low fat as possible.  It may still be high in calories though, we'll have to see.  It's a really nummy recipe so if I can make it legal I'll be one happy camper. 

Tomorrow is my weigh in for the 1st of the month.  We'll see if I'm still wearing that pie by then.  The inches should still be good, though.  I have to take the photos with the shorts and the workout top, and that's still hard for me.  I need to be a lot more forgiving instead of so critical of my body.  The fact is I'm making real progress.  I gotta get out of this "forest for the trees" mindset.

Anyway long day, lotsa work, time for bed.  It's not even 11pm yet.  I don't know myself anymore LOL

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I choose to embrace my flaws rather than beat myself up for them.

Calories: 1932 / 29%
Sodium: 2722mg
Calcium: 1196mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise: rode bike 30 mins, Pilates

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

 

A Full Day

It was a good day.  I had most of it off, which was nice.  I have decided to start honoring a Sabbath day.  Nothing formal really I was just reading through the Old Testament and I realized if this pattern is good enough for God, it's good enough for me.  Take one day and just recharge.  One day off of exercise, one day off of work, one day off of anything that takes me away from renewing myself and getting better connected with my family. 

Church was great.  They really honored the holiday and what it means to be an American.  A color guard came out from Dyess AFB and displayed the flag, we sang our National Anthem and pledged our Allegiance to the flag, one nation Under God (said with particular emphasis) and honored our military past and present for their sacrifices for our freedom.  It just felt right.  I went to one church that let the first anniversary of 9/11 go by without even acknowledging the fact and I really felt spiritually robbed of what I needed personally to heal.  9/11 was particularly hard on me, don't ask me why.  I had no personal connection to anyone in the planes or in the WTC or the Pentagon.  But it just got to me, wounded me so deeply, something forever changed.  I needed my spiritual leader to address it and he didn't. 

I know this minister will not do that.  I have finally found my home.

The picnic was cool.  I think I held it together.  I ate "naughty" food but I only ate small portions, which I feel really good about.  And I ate slow so I ate less, and I feel really good about that. 

I realized though I still have a long way to go to overcome my acute social phobias.  I don't know why I shut down around people I don't know.  Poor Steven only got a few hours sleep tonight because he really wanted to go.  Me, I was scared spitless if he didn't go.  My kids were counting on me taking them regardless.  I just can't even imagine doing that on my own yet.

We'll get into that more this week.  There's something underlying going on and I have to dig down and get it outta there.  Scaple please.  (or however you spell it).

Anyway I'm going to head to bed.  No totals tonight.  Back on program tomorrow.

Turning into an Early Bird

I'm exhausted.  I'm now on a schedule where I actually sleep at night (shocker!) so come about 8pm I'm ready for bed. 

The good thing is I can get the exercise done and out of the way early in the morning.  I've developed the habit of exercising and spending a couple of hours watching some inspirational webcasts.  It gets me in the mood for the day.   It's also been giving me some sharp focus on things I need to change, and things I need to keep in my mind for the future.

Today I got a really clear indication that my journey isn't just for myself.  At the end of this I'm going to be healthier, but not just in the body.  My journey is directly connected to the spiritual for a reason - because in the Body of Christ there is a huge problem with overeating.  And I figured out today where obesity comes from.  (I'm a slow learner apparently)  But if obesity causes health problems that kill, steals us away from living life as it should be lived and destroys our self esteem there's no way it can be from God or a God state.  Jesus did not come to kill, steal and destroy - He came that we could have life and that more abundantly.

The adversary in this case I will label as organized religion.

Condemnation + comfort eating = obesity.  Religion has us so brow beaten that we are unworthy if we don't follow a strict set of rules.  You can't drink.  You can't smoke.  In some you can't dance.  You just have to get through life one painful lesson from God at a time and hope that when you die you can crawl bloody and broken to Jesus and have a rich and fulfilling afterlife.

Forgive me for being a little selfish, but I'm of the mind I don't have to wait for that rich and fulfilling life.  I believe I can have it here.  I also don't believe God sends us trial and trauma to "teach" us stuff.  I do believe that there are times when God doesn't rescue us right away because there are lessons to be learned from each experience in life, it's all part of the pruning process to have us grow and evolve into what God has planned for us.  But I don't believe in the "cross to bear" mentality.  A former boss of mine used to say, "Get off the cross, honey, we need the wood."  Why on earth should we be persecuted like that when Jesus came to set captives free?  It's no wonder so many people are stuffing their hurting and empty places with food.  We've been conditioned to think we're not worth anything anyway - which is a load of manure.

God has good things in store for us.

I also believe that God works miracles in our lives, but we still have a part to play in bringing about those miracles.  I love what Jesse Duplantis says, whatever is in the realm of possibility is our job, God's job is what is in the realm of impossibility.  So I don't mind at all that I have to walk this journey to get to where I need to be.  There are a lot of lessons to be learned.  I think I'm finally learning to appreciate the process, without focusing so hard on the destination. 

But I just got this strong urging in my spirit today to lose my attachment to things in my life.  My money, my belongings, up unto my own life.  Everything I have ultimately belongs to and should be used for God's glory.  Everything.  So why not my life?  Why not this journey?

This is not to suggest I'm going to sell all of my belongings and go join a convent.  It just simply means I have to realize my position in the world has a lot more to do with just me.  I am a vessel that God can use for the greater good - that's hard for my poorly programed mind to accept.  Why would God want to use insignificant little me?  Because in God's eyes, I'm not insignificant.  That's just my own skewed self esteem.  No, in God's eyes I'm a steward meant to share and facilitate his mercy, grace, love and blessings.   And I'm not a special case, I think we all are stewards. 

So it's time I live up to that job description.  Concentrate on the lessons I face each day, and learn what each opportunity has to teach me.  I'm no longer a reporter of my life, I'm a student - so that inevitably I can become a teacher.  It's the job of all of us in one way or the other.  And what a blessing that is.

Awesome and daunting... but a blessing just the same.

Meanwhile I'm going to drag off to bed.  Having great spiritual revelations will really take it outta you.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  My life means something, and I am worthy of good things.

Calories: 1893 / 18% fat
Sodium: 2878mg
Calcium: 797mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile, rode exercise bike 30 mins

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

P.S.  Tomorrow we're having a memorial day picnic with our church tomorrow so I've decided to give myself a "free day".  I know from the Mother's Day brunch that it's nearly impossible to keep track of the food when it's that type of pot luck, so I'm just going to give myself the day off.  I trust the habits I've developed to keep me from going overboard.  And I'm taking some of my own recipes too, which I can better police the fat/sodium/caloric content. 

I may also take tomorrow as my day of rest for the exercise, but I'm not completely sure yet.  The total inches lost for the week is 2" and I may want to keep the momentum going.  Considering the Photo Update for the 1st (in work out gear - EEK) is coming up.  But we'll see.  I'll play it by ear.

It's a Water Revolution

I heard today that one needs to drink 1/2 ounce of water for each pound that you weigh.  For me that would be 142 ounces per day.  That's a lot of water!  But then I remembered hearing that drinking too much water can be bad for you.   So I just spent some time on Google trying to get the facts.

The jury is still out.  They all say you need a certain amount of water per day, but some schools of thought suggest you get the water you need from a lot more sources than just water.  They contend that juices, sodas, coffee and even prepared food help provide sufficient hydration.

They even go as far as to suggest that you run the risk of water intoxication if you drink more water than your kidneys can handle.  This can lead to dizziness, unconsciousness and even death. (Harsh!)

It's all more than a little confusing.  I know I have had a lot of trouble with constipation, even though I have a high fiber diet.  This would suggest that I need more water, because a key symptom of dehydration is constipation.  Your body begins to pull hydration from other areas, including the digestive symptom. 

Also pointed out in one source I found suggests without drinking enough water you cannot metabolize fat properly.  This can slow down weight loss and lead to water retention, which also keeps those numbers up on the scale.

So what to do with these conflicting reports?

Well, I think in my case, with slower weight loss and constant issues with constipation, I am not getting enough water.  I'm not sure I want to commit to 142oz per day, goodness knows I don't want to drown standing up, but I think maybe an extra bottle per day capping at 100oz for a while to see how it helps those two issues. 

Today I did all my exercise when I got up, just to get it out of the way.  I rode the bike, did Pilates and even went for a mile long trek at the park (Winston nearly jumped out of his Puggy skin).  So with all that activity and the fact West Texas is hot as blazes, I have already gotten up to 84oz.  It's helped so far with the constipation issue, which, considering I'm dealing with the dreaded horrible Captian H as well, was a welcome relief.  It makes me think I tend to run dehydrated than overhydrated.  Especially since I've been so exhausted lately, and I tend to get headaches rather frequently. 

Here are the links so youcan check them out yourselves:

Are You Drinking Enough Water?
How Much Water Are You Drinking?
Discovery Health :: News in Focus
Water Intoxication:

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  Each day my determination brings me a step closer to my goals.

Calories: 1847 / 22%
Sodium: 3137mg
Calcium: 1080mg
Water: 96oz
Exercise:  Walked 1 mile, rode 15 mins, Pilates

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

And the most popular diet is...

The Un-Diet.  What's an Un-Diet?  It's not really a diet at all, it's a personalized eating program where the user decides to combine several different dieting theories in order to make an eating plan he or she can ultimately live with.  So rather than living under the restrictive Atkins our South Beach, some may just cut down on processed carbs, keeping the important complex carbohydrates in their diet.  My buddy Dave is working all this out in his journal <A href="http://www.randomsynapses.com/bigfatloserdiet.asp">The Big Fat Loser's Diet.

I think most people recognize that there is something good that can be taken from each of the popular fad diets, even though those diets themselves aren't really a realistic option for long term weight control. 

I did South Beach at the very beginning of this journal.  If you've read back that far, and God bless you if you have, you know that didn't last very long.  The first week I lost 7lbs, but it leveled off and then stagnated, and I was in no mood to wait.  So I found another way.  Granted, I discovered about two months later that the home scale was not accurate and I more than likely was making progress (inches wise and body wise the weight loss was consistent), but after doing further research on the low carb diet I just determined that it wasn't for me for the long run.

Out of all of the diet fixes I've tried, I have to admit that the old adage, burn more than you eat, is the truly only way for me.  It's not fast, but it gives me a lot of freedom to eat pretty much what I want to and that lends toward my emotional issues that I've had to overcome to lose weight (i.e. deprivation and entitlement).

And there's no getting out of exercise either.  You gotta move.  I noticed in my body over this last week that I actually look leaner and taller.  I credit that to Pilates.  Why did I put this off for so long?

My eleven year old son has decided he wants to lose weight.  He's a little chunky and hates to be made fun of, so he's turned to his wise old Mama for her guidence.  I thought what would be fun is for us to do Tae Bo together.  I always aspired to learn kick boxing once I got to a certain weight, and Tae Bo incorporates a lot of fighting moves, which I like.  Not because I like to fight necessarily, but the hard reality is I am a woman in a world where 1 in 4 women are sexually attacked in their lifetime.  I became a statistic at 4 years old, and it was a big part of why I became obese.  So rather than protect myself hidden under layers of fat, I want to step into my own power - and that's what I feel like learning these different types of things will teach me.  I also would like to study the martial arts more extensively.  I just think it's a beautiful art form, and God knows I could use the discipline. 

I told my son about my plan and my older son also wants to get into the action, so maybe that's something we can all do together.  Which will be an interesting sight for me at least, since I have about zero coordination.

Additionally we want to purchase a family membership for the summer at our local YMCA.  They have a pool and tracks and weights, so I thought that would be a fun way for them to stay active during the summer, rather than sit at home playing Yu Gi Oh and their X Box.

Plus it puts me on the spot to learn how to swim.  Can I just confess to you the thought still scares me silly?  My best friend and co-writer for the newest project with us is planning a fall cruise next year, and Steven and I thought it'd be a great way to get in one of my pre-40 goals to plan to go along.  We're looking at the Bahamas, and there are a lot of things that I can't do now that might be fun to do then.  Snorkling, swimming with dolphins, and Steven thought it would be fun to go parasailing - I practically wet myself at the thought of all three.  Okay, the dolphin thing would be cool, but it still involves swimming.

BUT life is to be lived so I can't let my fear immobilize me anymore.  It all comes back to, I can handle it.  There's nothing to fear.  It's gonna be fun.  (Can you hear my teeth chattering?)

I would like to spotlight another journal today, I found it about a week ago as she was spotlighted on the AOL Diet and Fitness page.  This journal is chock full of helpful tips and advice, so give her blog a look-see.  Lots of good information there.

  Kim's Weightloss Journal ;)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am conquering my fears, one opportunity at a time.

Calories: 1457 / 15%
Sodium: 1366mg
Calcium: 839mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

***edited later, I was so tired I went to bed and missed dinner.  It's the Exhaustion Diet!  Low totals today, no exercise. 

Still Around

Been meeting goal, all except for exercise.  I've had uncomfortable heatlth issues (of the Preperation H variety) so it's been a no go last couple of nights.  I'm just pretty exhausted so I'll go to bed.

Otherwise all is well, still on program - just really really tired.  Check out fitday for all the details, if you're so inclined.

Be back tomorrow.

 

And the winner of Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge is...

ME!!

Okay so maybe it wasn't technically me.

But as I sat there and watched the Finale for this Weight Loss Challenge I burst into tears.  Used to be I couldn't watch these shows back when I was depending on a very UNdependable scale to give me my results.  (I insist again that anyone who is over 250lb do not depend on your thirty dollar bathroom scale.  Run, don't walk, to your nearest GNC to weigh in on their scale.)  Anyway when I was trying everything under the sun and the numbers wouldn't move, I could barely to stand to watch the success stories of these people.  I was so jealous, and upset at myself that I couldn't do what they did even though I was changing my eating habits and exercising daily.  Steven even wanted me to stop watching there for a while.

Case in point, this old entry: http://journals.aol.com/duckebride323/AJourneytoMe/entries/317

This was before I discovered the scale at GNC.  I weighed in on 1/09/04 at 313 and then on 1/24/04 at 306lbs.  So I figured out then that I weighed more at the start than I thought and lost more than I thought - but my home scale just didn't reflect the changes.

But my body did.  The inches did, even back when I didn't measure all points but just the three main ones.  My clothes fit differently and everyone said they could see the difference. 

So as I watched today's show and was hearing about their 50, 60, 80 even a hundred pound weight loss, I took my own mental inventory.  I have lost 66lbs and 8 dress sizes since mid September.  I have destroyed the bondage of emotional eating, no longer will I eat like I used to -  nor want to. 

As Joyce Meyer says, "I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

I feel better.  I look better.  I know now that life is to be appreciated and fought for.  Each step of the journey so far has been a hard won victory, I've come so far and I know I'm changing from the inside out.  I came from a very locked up place where I lived in fear, imprisoning myself behind walls of fat - put there by my own choosing.  Put there to keep the world out, and to give me a get out of living card.  "Please excuse Ginger from life today.  She's tired, depressed and cannot face the challenge.  What more do you expectfrom the fat person?"

Being afraid to die started me on this journey nine months ago.  What I discovered was that I was really afraid to live.  Now, all these months later, I'm not afraid of either anymore.  The only thing I "fear" is an unlived life, and that's why I charge through each day making new decisions and having new successes.

It's the best prize of all.

I ended up weighing in today - I know - wet noodle.  It was all Steven's fault (hope you buy that, he didn't), he stepped on the home scale to see how much he weighed and it dawned on me I hadn't done that in a while.  It read 288 so I demanded we go to the mall immediately.  Given that the scale is anywhere from 4-6lbs off, I wanted to see what GNC had to say.  I weighed in at 284lbs, which is two pounds since the 19th - and since really starting the new (old) regimen.  I'm excited to see the progress, but again I have to focus on today's successes.

And there were many.  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a winner - a success at what I've set out to do.

Calories: 1880 / 19%
Sodium: 2822mg
Calcium: 1300mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: ride 30 mins stationary bike, Pilates

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

Tired & Excited

It was a good day.  All my goals were spot on, except for exercise, which I really hadn't planned to do anyway.  I had a deadline to meet so I was working most of the night.  Now I'm exhausted because I've only had a four hour nap.  It's time to go to bed.

Also been cooking up a new screenplay idea.  It's almost completely fleshed out and it's a concept that has me really excited to write - I love when that happens.

So I'll start that project tomorrow, with some more back ground work while the research is being compiled.  I've brought someone into our little routine to collaborate, and I think it's going to be a positive experience.  Anyway Jeff (everyone wave hello to Jeff) is doing the grunt work gathering the research.  Steven's on the tech side and I get to just get lost in my characters.  I love that. :)

Very tired now.  A productive day indeed.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm one day closer to selling my screenplays.

Calories: 1799 / 17%
Sodium: 2729mg
Calcium: 1568mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Day of rest

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

Just Checking In

Tonight will have to be a short one I have a ton of work tonight.  I might not even get that bicycling in, just depends on when I get done.  I decided to let Sunday be my exercise free day, but we'll see.  It may have to be Saturdays. 

I'm totally at a loss for a decent topic for tonight.  I think it's because I'm just letting myself get distracted tonight.  Got tons of stuff to do and no real inclination to do it.  Last night I had a setback where I lost about five and half hours worth of work which tightens my deadline for tomorrow.  So I really have to hustle tonight to make up for it.  It's made me so reluctant to even get started.  Just the thought gives me a headache.

But... it's not going to get any easier until I get started.  As always the first push to accomplish anything is always the hardest.  That's why I think I really haven't gone off the wagon.  I know how hard it would be to get back on it.  So I may sometimes be hanging off that wagon by one foot, but I manage to pull myself back on.

I don't think that makes me any better than anyone else... just lazier.  I don't want start over. 

But you know what?  Quitting isn't even an issue anymore.  In fact, in this last week this process has become my way of life.  I am setting up habits that I will carry on long after I hit goal weight.  I don't think of this as a temporary change anymore. 

Changing the focus onto every day rather than the long term goals (even weekly ones) has really made the difference.  I don't know when that changed, I used to have that outlook in the beginning.  And I had more success in the beginning too.  So it took me a while but I put two and two together and finally didn't come up with a fraction.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a success today.

Calories: 1807 / 25%
Sodium: 3096mg
Calcium: 1081mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None scheduled.

RED means I didn't meet goal
* Projected

My Body Doth Protest Much

So I get on my exercise bike last night, raring to go and get into my "worship" state.  A few minutes into it I realized something.  My muscles were staging a revolt against the new regime.  My legs hurt, then later I realized my stomach muscles were tender and sore, now my back is moaning and groaning.  It's like my body was saying, "Hey... we thought you were through with this crazy phase."

But on the whole I enjoy the soreness.  It's a very tangible sign that I'm doing something, my body is changing.  The Pilates worked me down deep in the abdomen, which helps get rid of the lovehandles and that dreaded girth.  My legs haven't let me forget they are there all day. 

However THIS is a good pain.  I've heard women say that childbirth is a good pain - which I disagree with, childbirth is PAIN pain.  The baby afterwards is good, but the pain during, uh uh.  Not good.  And I say this as a woman who had her last child, a 10lb baby, without any drugs whatsoever.  So believe me when I tell you, that's pain pain.  I didn't relish it, I wanted drugs and plenty of them.

But a little stiffness, a twinge of soreness because you are sculpting your body - good pain.  I get to do Pilates again tonight and stretch all this out.  It's going to be hard at first, but it's not impossible.  Tomorrow I take my measurements, which is the only weekly tracking of my progress I'm going to use.  Generally my inches have consistantly dropped, so it's much less frustrating that weighing in.

But you know what?  I'm not even worried about that anymore.  I believe that in life you reap what you sow, and I'm sowing for a harvest of good health and fitness.  There are no worries.  I'm thinking thin.

A little off topic, a big shout out to my Daytime Emmy winners.  I've been watching General Hospital off and on since 1978, and my show did me proud tonight.  But most importantly just a lot of love goes to Anna Lee, who played the gracious and elegant Lila Quartermaine for 25 years.  She passed away on May 14 at the age of 91.  She will be missed.

And I especially want to single out Chad Brannon, who played Zander Smith, for acknowledging Jesus in his acceptance speech, and giving the glory where it truly belongs.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am sculpting a beautiful and healthy body.

Calories: 1685 / 23%
Sodium: 3006mg
Calcium: 1312mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: stationary bike 30 minutes, Pilates

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

As Easy as Riding a Bike

Yesterday I got back on the ol stationary bike with the intent to suffer through for fifteen minutes to meet my goal.  I put on some praise and worship songs and actually - get this - had fun.  The difference was all in the attitude.

I've come to realize God talks to us in three different levels.  The first time a word of knowledge comes to you and collides with your circumstances, that's a coincidence.  The second time it's prophesy.  The third time, it's a brick.  I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.  Something will strike you and you will think, boy that's speaking right to me.  Then somehow in the next day or two, someone completely oblivious to your circumstances will repeat the same thing, driving the point home.  The third time it happens, you can't really escape the fact someone is trying to tell you something.

I found this quote about a week ago that I thought was very profound:

An authentic life is the most personal form of worship. Everyday life has become my prayer. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

And we all know what an authentic life is.  It's the life that, when you're living it, you aren't plagued with thoughts that you need to do anything else.  My avoiding exercise was not living an authentic life.  I know I need to do it, and avoiding it made me feel bad.  I've been released from emotional eating - I now eat the way I will eat for life, fully conscious of how much food I eat, what kind of food I eat and even why I eat.  Even when I take days off, I make good food decisions.  And even stranger, it's not like I have a choice in the matter anymore.

For instance, the day I decided I was going to up my calories from 1200 to 1800, I thought, "Cool, I get to eat now."  That comment struck me as so funny, because I could ALWAYS choose to eat more if I really wanted.  The only one imposing these restrictions on me is me, and I know how to con myself better than anyone.  But I'm beyond that now, I know now what I can and cannot eat.  I choose not to eat at Taco Bell because of the high sodium even when I used to L-O-V-E Taco Bell.  But now it's a matter of that food doesn't fit in my plan, when other good food does.  So there's no choice anymore.  I do what's better.  It's now built in.

There are some days I don't meet all my goals, but I don't beat myself up - I don't binge and forget mygoals... I get right back on the horse and try again the next day.  That's built in too.  It's no longer a matter of if I will complete this journey - the only question is when.

And how that happens is to live an authentic life.  I'm not doing anyone any favors, least of all God, by living below my own capabilities.  Herein lies the "prophesy" part of God's three part plan.  Here's the other quote that stood out at me:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It's not just some of us; it's in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. —Marianne Williamson

But, because I'm a little hardheaded, God had to resort to the brick.  I found this in the Bible - quite by accident.  I'm reading from Genesis on in the Message translation of the bible, and this quote prefaced Leviticus.

Romans 12:1-2 "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you.  Take your every day, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

I had my "light bulb" moment, as Oprah says.  I realized that how I live my life is a complete act of worship.  Taking what God has given me, the ability to change my body, and focusing my behavior on living that authentic life, is the highest form of worship I can show to God, to honor Him in all his gifts to me.  It's more than a song, it's the position of my heart.

Like the exercise bike yesterday.  Even the Pilates.  I almost didn't do it.  I don't know why - the hardest part of it is just to press play on the video tape.  From then on it's no big deal.  Just like the bike.  The hardest part was just getting on.  Once I was on, it was old hat.  And with my attitude shifted from how much of a chore it was to how my actions of discipline were in their highest form a manner of worship, it became an experience that made me happy.  I've been waiting all day to do it again.  Strange, isn't it?  I have avoided it for months even when it made me feel better and gave me results.  And running from that authentic life made me miserable.

So no more of that.  I hardwired my brain to eating well, I'm going to hardwire my brain to look forward to and enjoy exercise.  It's not something that's going to come with time, it's a choice. 

And I've made it.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am living an authentic life.

Calories: 1586 / 18%
Sodium: 3043mg
Calcium: 1083mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: ride 30 mins stationary bike

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

Photo Update

So apparently sleeping days and working nights effects your adding ability.  Today is the 19th, not the 20th.  But I went ahead and weighed in and did the photo update anyway.  Steven has an early morning meeting tomorrow and then has to work the graveyard shift tomorrow night so any real errands are out of the question.

Okay so I weighed in and I lost 6oz since Saturday (woo woo).  That means my total loss from April 20 to now is 4lbs.  One pound a week, I can deal with that.  The good news is I lost 8.5" in the month.  I'm now 4.5" away from a size 24, and I've been window shopping over the net trying to find some hot new clothes.

The shirt I'm wearing in the above photo is a 2X, where the Tshirt that I was wearing in the before photos is a 5X.  I'm pretty excited about that.  It's a bit snug on that last button when I sit, but give me a couple of weeks on Pilates and it'll be just fine.

Gretchen suggested I not go too crazy on my exercise plans and you know what?  I think she's right.  There's no sense to go from zero to 60.  So...  Pilates 3 days a week, bike 3 days a week and walk 3 days a week.  No sense setting myself up for failure.  Tonight I plan to do the pilates and then ride the bike for 15 minutes. 

I went over my calories today because I underestimated my dinner.  It was Whataburger Wednesday - buy one get one free.  I gave in to the Fried Pie - and it sent me over by about 20 calories.  Tomorrow will be better. 

Next weigh in is on the 1st, that's 11 days away.    No goals.  I'm going to worry about the daily goal of getting my exercise in and my daily caloric requirement.  The weight is going to have to take care of itself.  Getting too focused on the results was doing me in and leaving me frustrated.  I *know* that my body cannot help but lose weight if I simply burn more calories than I eat.  It'll do it at its own pace, I just need to do what I can to make each day as healthy as possible.  That's what is going to measure my success.

(I'm going to keep telling myself until I believe it, so be prepared to hear it a lot!)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a success.

Calories: 1921 / 30%
Sodium: 3045mg
Calcium: 752mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Pilates, rode stationary bike 30 minutes

RED means I did not meet goal
* Projected

That Dreaded Four Letter Word... Exercise

Okay, so it's a wee bit more than four letters. 

Suzanne commented in my last entry that I had been putting None under my exercise for a little bit now, and she's right.  I hate to admit it but I was afraid to exercise.  I had hoped to break 280 by doing the extreme diet and no exercise, but it appears I've stalled.  The 1200 calorie diet was a good jump start, but won't work for the long run.

Bottom line, I need to work my body.  And the more I work my body the more I need to fuel it.  So it's time to go back up to 1800 calories and start my exercise routine again.  Not only to lose weight but to lose inches.  Way back in the winter I was working hard, doing my Pilates every other day, walking every day and doing the bike at least 6 times a week.  Ever since February I've fallen off the exercise wagon.

And it's really ridiculous that I've fallen away from it.  Way back when I was into it, I was lecturing my sister that she can't just wait around for motivation to come to begin her exercise regimen... she just had to do it.  Like Yoda says, There is no try, there is do or do not.  And I haven't being doing it. 

For some inexplicable reason it's hard for me to even make an exercise plan.  I know it's self sabotage, but it's almost painful to even think about getting back into the groove. 

But I gotta.  I just have to "do it". 

So here's the new agenda.  I'm going back up to 1800 calories a day, same fat and sodium requirements (no more than 30% and no more than 3000mg of sodium), maintaining that higher calcium requirement, and implementing the following exercise routine:

Pilates - Every other day 
Walking - Going to the park 5 times a week and walking at least 30 mins.
Stationary Bike - 5 times a week, starting off at 15 mins until I train myself back up to 30 mins.

All this begins tomorrow with the new calorie requirement.  I have a weigh in tomorrow, it's the 20th and so it's picture update day, and that will be the starting point. 

Gretchen brought up about not weighing so often, and I even mentioned that to Steven the last time I went to weigh in.  I told him maybe I should only do it once a month.  He doesn't seem to think I can hold out, and he's probably right.  One thing I think I can do is limiting the weigh ins just to my "update" dates - the 1st, the 11th and the 20th.   Hey, it's a start.  LOL  We'll see how long I can hold out.  Let the betting pool begin.  :)

My father in law also suggested maybe not buying that size 14 dress yet, but buying something that is in the next size smaller.  I like this idea.  I have to buy new clothes anyway, and it'll be a lot quicker gratification than waiting a year to wear something.  So I'm off to find something cool in a size 24.  So thanks, Dad :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am changing my body into what I want it to be.

Calories: 1268 / 26% fat
Sodium: 2410mg
Calcium: 879mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

Getting Thin from the Inside Out

One of the preachers I listen to is named Jerry Savelle.  As he tells his Oop Story (you gotta hear it), he says that he was believing for an airplane to meet his speaking itenerary and God told him to act as though he had an airplane.  Of course, Jerry's first reaction is, "Act as though I have an airplane?  What do you want me to do?  Go fly around on a runway with my arms outstretched?"  And God clarifed that he needed to make travel plans that it would be impossible to keep if he didn't have an airplane.  This would be how he acted on his faith that God would provide him the airplane.

It sounds a little crazy, but most things done on Faith generally do.  As I pondered this illustration and how it pertains to my Journey, I realized that it's all about a mindset.  Like Dr. Phil says, there is no reality, only perception.  My body is at the mercy of my mind, what I tell it to do it will do.  This was proven in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway as Dr. Jeffers demonstrated to her students that by telling ourselves that we are weak or strong, we become physically weak or strong.  She has a student stand up and hold out their arm and then she attempts to push it down.  If she cannot she tells the student then to repeat to themselves, "I am weak," five times.  Then, much to the astonishment of her students and the experimentee themselves, she is now able to push the arm right down.  So then she tells the student to repeat to themselves five times "I am strong".  This time as she attempts to push the arm down, she cannot.

Our body responds to what we tell it.  This is why it's so detrimental to say negative things about ourselves.  Our body, our subconscious, believes what it hears, whether it is true or not.  Now some of you might be a little skeptical to the experiment I mentioned above.  My growth buddy had to see it to believe it.  Both of us experimented this on our unsuspecting partners and discovered it does in fact work exactly like she said in the book.

The mind is a very powerful thing.  It's pretty incredible what you can accomplish when you set your mind to something. 

This is another area where I've lost some steam.  My chatterbox nags whenever it can that there's no way that I can lose 205lbs.  It totally discounts the 64lbs I've already lost, saying to me that it doesn't matter, I'll give up eventually and I'll never be thin.  I can't picture myself thin and in that way subconsciously I'm holding onto this fat.  I do things that sabotage the Journey, so that I don't see the results like I used to - this validates what my Chatterbox is telling me, that I'm failing.  That this is the beginning of the end.

So I decided what I need to do is I need to become thin from the inside out.  If my body does what it is told, then it needs to be told it has to shed the rest of this weight - and I won't take anymore lip about it from my Chatterbox. 

Some of you might be asking, how does one become thin on the inside?  How does one "act" as though they are thin?  Well, for one to act as though I'm no longer overweight.  Simply defined I need to stop letting the fact I'm obese keep me from doing the things I need to do.  This lends to going to college, learning to swim, and doing all those other things I'm planning to do.  It's time to dump the excuses so that I can finally dump this weight.  I'm also going to exercise like I'm already thin.  Like it's no big deal to walk or bike or do Pilates.  It's not hard, I've done it many many times before - and a lot heavier at that.

The second thing I'm doing is I'm making plans.  I don't know about you but I've always been reluctant to make plans "just in case" something happened and I abandoned the Journey.  For instance, Steven suggested yesterday I should buy a dress in my goal size and then when I can wear it we'll go out and celebrate a night on the town.  My first response was the negative one, why spend money like that if I don't know if I'll make it to a certain size?  The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea.  Nothing could be more inspiring than to have a size 14* dress hanging in my face saying GET OFF YOUR TUSH SO YOU CAN WEAR ME!

So I went shopping for "Thin Clothes".  I already have the wedding gown picked out, it's the dress I originally wanted to wear because I saw it at David's Bridal and it was breathtaking.  I do plan to renew my vows next year when I'm at goal weight, to get my wedding photos taken with me the way I wanted to look.  And besides, the way I see it Steven will be marrying anew person.   

I was looking at shoes - sexy shoes I can't stuff my big Flintstone feet into at the moment.  I'm going to buy these things as finances allow, as one more wayto act on my faith that I WILL make it to goal weight. 

In my mind, I'm already there.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am what I say I am; strong, healthy and beautiful.

Calories: 1297 / 25% fat
Sodium: 2309mg
Calcium: 758mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: None

***edited at 6:38am after finding this article as I opened up my Netscape.  Coincidence?  I don't thinks so....

Focus on Thinking Differently to Lose Weight

*also edited to hit the more realistic measurements for my goal weight.  Thanks Theresa :)

Stepping Out on Faith

Today's sermon was about the life of Faith.  I'm a big believer in Faith.  I believe that without Faith it's impossible to please God (Hebrews 11:6), and I believe that through Faith all things are possible (Mark 9:23).  I believe great things are possible through Faith - in fact every great miracle of God was demonstrated through the action of Faith.  So you could say I'm a Faith Girl.

I also believe that Faith without works is dead (James 2:20), so that means I have to consciously act on Faith if I expect it to work.  It's one thing to hope, quite another to have Faith.  Pastor said today that hope is a blueprint and Faith is the construction crew.   I believe the difference between hope and Faith is hope leaves a loophole in your confidence so you won't be disappointed if the outcome is different than what you expect.  Listen to how different they sound:  "I hope I lose weight."  "I have faith I will lose weight." 

So we're going to combine all these elements into the weight loss journey and see exactly where I've been missing the boat - because I have been.  I've been easily frustrated - maybe not to the point of quitting but I'm certainly not keeping my eye on the prize with unwavering faith.  I'm letting circumstantial things cause me much frustration and anxiety.  I need not be moved by what I see, because I walk by Faith and not by sight (2 Cor 5:7), and I know already that it's God's will for me to walk in health and be free of bondage.  I just need to keep walking in Faith and speaking words of Faith, and not be swayed by things in the natural.

I spend each day meeting dietary guidelines that cannot help but change my body.  If not always in pounds, definitely in inches and definitely in mental attitude as well.  That is working toward the Faith that I have that I can make it to goal weight.  There's no stopping me now.

No increase on the scale is going to shake that Faith; no frustration at the fact it isn't coming any quicker than it is; and most especially self contempt that comes from feeling I have fallen short, and that's why the results have slowed to a stop.

Nope.  I have Faith.  I'm making these changes right now.  I don't care what the scale says, I know what I feel.  I feel thinner, I look thinner and I have altered my whole mental attitude divorcing myself from emotional eating.

I am switching the focus now from concentrating on results, and I'm going to concentrate on the journey itself.  Hard for me - it goes against everything in my personality.  If I can change the way I look at fueling my body, I can definitely change the way I look at the journey it'sgoing to take as long as it takes to get to goal.

Frustration, anxiety and disappointment are things of the past.  Pastor said today that God does not meet us at the point of our need, He meets us at the point of our Faith.  And I'm not walking in Faith if I constantly worry that somehow my body is going to rebel, and that all my hard work will be futile.  That's doubt, and it's officially the enemy.  I'm going to make it, I'm doing everything I can so the results will come.  So no longer will I rely on a scale to tell me where I am at.  I'm going to believe I'm there, simply by Faith.

Faith is seeing the invisible and doing the impossible.  So that means I see myself at 145lbs, and losing an amazing 205lbs. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I believe by Faith I am another step closer Goal. 

Calories: 1961 / 28%
Sodium: 3443mg
Calcium: 1264mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

Calling Those Things that Are Not as Though They Were

Saturday was a big ol bust for me.

The home scale showed a gain that *should* have equated to me weighing 289 - and I flat out didn't want to go to weigh in.  If I had seen those numbers again I would have tossed the scale through the GNC store.  That's how frustrated I was.

I'm frustrated at my body which always seems to rebel right around the time I weigh in.  Mid week I should have been about 2-3 lbs lighter than my last weigh in, according to the home scale.  Then, during the next day or two my stubborn body locked up and decided an event that needs to happen at least on a daily basis wasn't going to happen for three.

I'm on fiber overload and so far nothing.  It's very frustrating.

So I didn't anticipate a loss.  Plus it's time for my least favorite aunt and I'm retaining fluid like mad.  My measurements show an inch gain around my "girth" but everywhere else either stayed the same or lost. 

I decided I wasn't going to weigh in, darnit.  I'm not going to put myself through that and get all frustrated.

Well, I went anyway.  I weighed in at 286 - which was 6lbs lighter than what the home scale said.  It's a pound gain, but with everything going on - and I know for darn sure it's not because of the diet I'm on - I think it's a reasonable result.  I'm not going to sweat it.  I think just the fact it was lower than 289, which is what I expected to see, was a big relief.  I didn't care about the 1lb weight gain - just please never let me see 289 again in LIFE.

I also was fighting some kind of bug yesterday.  I couldn't sleep (which also might have lent to the gain) because I was hot - Steven confirmed that my head was warm.   I also felt kinda dizzy whenever I'd close my eyes so I took some Nyquil and spent the evening in bed.  I feel much better now.

The good thing about constipation is that you feel full.  I didn't really want to eat too much yesterday.  I came in under my calorie goal - and really didn't want to eat that second bowl of cereal (yayyyyyy fiber) but finally giving in to the Dairy Queen urge and having that new flame thrower burger put me way over in fat, so I had to eat something else to bring down my ratios.  I still couldn't get it all the way down - I just wasn't hungry enough to eat anything else.

Incidentally - the burger was okay, but I can see living my life without another one.  Which is good because the fat content is through the roof.  When we were deliberating on where to eat today (eating out) Steven commented on how I still made good choices (not eating at Taco Bell because of the sodium, or eating that new spicy crispy sandwhich at Burger King because of the 2000mg of sodium, avoiding Schlotskys like the plague - their original deluxe sandwhich has a whopping 8000mg of sodium).  The flame thrower burger was huge in fat - 60 grams - but I knew I could eat my fat ratios way down.  Sodium you're just kinda stuck with.

Turns out I didn't eat it down, I just wasn't hungry.  Either my body is getting used to the 1200 calories or my current issue with the Big C just discouraged adding anything else to the problem.

My title "calling those things that are not as though they were" comes from the Bible, it's a scripture on faith.  That's what I have to use now because even though I didn't see the weight loss I wanted I have to keep doing what I'm doing and know that I will see a loss soon.  I'm not going to allow myself to stay frustrated.  There's no reason to.  I know I'm doing everything I can and eventually my body will catch up.

 DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I'm sculpting a healthy and beautiful body.

Calories: 1638 / 34% of fat
Sodium: 1676mg
Calcium: 1109mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

 

Starting the Weekend a Few Hours Early

It all happened innocently enough.  We drove past a BBQ joint here in town.  Steven said that the people at the hotel rave over this place, that it has some really good food.  It sure smelled like it.

So I relented and we went out to eat.  I figured my day was pretty good so far so I wouldn't go that far over.  (I didn't, I think it was only 1700+ calories for the day).  I also chose healthy stuff, except for the potato salad.  I had just a taste of that. 

I had the grilled chicken breast and it was wonderful.  This is definitely a restaurant we'll be returning to.  Steven had the ribeye ends and tips, and the meat was so tender I could even eat it.  I don't generally eat red meat, mostly because of the leathery texture.  Back when we were uninsured and I had some pretty bad dental problems I got out of the habit of chewing anything that required any real effort, just to avoid pain.  After I had the offending teeth pulled, I still didn't eat it because by then it was just habit not to have to work that hard to eat.  And it ended up being a good thing, I lean toward things like fish and chicken (although chicken can be iffy too, depending on how it's cooked) - which ended up being good for the diet.

When we BBQ, I always get a salmon steak or filet when the guys get their steaks.  I don't feel deprived at all.  Some people don't like fish, but I'm all about the seafood.  When we eat out, that's what I tend to order.  Makes me an expensive date - but I'm worth it.  :)

Tomorrow is weigh in day.  My home scale shows a loss, so I'm hopeful.  It may not be the drastic 4 pound-er we got last week, but as long as it's moving down I'm okay.  No more stagnation for this girl. 

And that includes more than just the weight loss too.  I sent off the script today to the management company, as well as a copy to the Austin Film Festival.  I decided that even if I don't advance in that contest, I'm going to plan to go to the Festival anyway.  It's a great way to network and meet industry contacts, and I'm never going to make it as a screenwriter if I don't emerge from my cocoon and take some risks.  This is pretty risky stuff.  It puts me in line with people who can make my career happen.  I can learn from their panels, some of the writers include the writers of such movies as Troy, The IronGiant, Finding Forrester, Cast Away and Apollo 13, Minority Report and Get Shorty, Gladiator, Beverly Hills Cop 1-3, Pratical Magic... you get the idea.  Some of the panelists include a story consultant, an entertainment attorney, a producer - the list is endless.

So I have my work cut out for me.  First of all to work on my weight so that I feel confident in the midst of these people.  I know I won't be 145lbs at the time of the conference, but I can make a goal for about 40-50lbs more lost by October. 

The other important aspect is to get my scripts as polished and ready as possible, because hopefully as we pitch to different industry types we will generate interest in our projects.  I've got a couple of more projects I can probably get written and polished in time. 

Each step I take is going to lead me in a direction.  The beauty of it is I get to choose where I'm going.  Like I've said before, goals without work are just dreams, and I'm tired of dreaming of being a writer.  I have always known what I needed to do, now I just need to do it.

And it'll be fun.  I'll get to meet people I've "known" for a couple of years over at my screenwriting message board, we'll hang out and party.  I've never really been to Austin so that will be fun as well.

Life is about experiences.  And this will be a whopper.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am taking steps to be a professional writer.

Calories: 1719 / 24% fat
Sodium: 3189mg
Calcium: 1141mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

Learning to Dance

My dear friend Jeannie suggested that I write a non fiction book documenting my journey to self discovery.

Little does she know, she's reading it.

This was always intended to document my long road to where I want to be, and I had the hope that one day I could accumulate all these entries into a book to help others along the way.

In the weight loss struggle so much of the time we read the stories afterward, when they're a success.  All the talk shows do the before and after stories, and aside from Dr. Phil's Weight Loss Challenge, we rarely ever get to see the gritty reality behind those amazing weight loss stories.  No one knew Jared until after he lost the weight and started hawking Subway for a living.  Not that I'm knocking him, not at all.  Not only did he change his body but he changed his life.  And I salute him.

But we rarely ever see the struggle DURING.  I have a theory about that -- that's why I think that my various requests to magazine editors to feature my diary entries in their publications have fallen on deaf ears.  Because the odds are really totally against overweight people trying to lose weight (I believe the statistics are that 3 in 4 dieters will fail in their attempt to lose weight), the "during" stories that we get invested in are more likely to end up in disappointment. 

How many people have started this new year on a diet only to leave it lapsed halfway through?  We get caught up so much in the mechanics of losing the weight -- exercise and food control -- that sometimes we miss the reason behind our being overweight in the first place.  I truly believe for most people it's an emotional issue.  I think a lot of people medicate with food where alcoholics may medicate with alcohol, drug addicts medicate with drugs, etc. 

This journal has replaced emotional eating in a lot of ways.  Being able to come here and confess my sins rather than hide them in a quart of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, or vent my frustrations rather than sink my teeth in a Dairy Queen hamburger, has taught me how to deal with my emotional issues from within.

What hurts me isn't going to get cured by stuffing it down with food, that's a temporary fix.  Eventually, no matter how hard you try to stuff it down it will bubble to the surface anyway. 

The whole reason I went public with my journey was to force myself to beat the statistics.  I really deliberated if this was something I could do all the way to the end, because I surely didn't want to let anyone down.  So I use that accountability, hanging onto it with zeal.  I come here every day without fail because I connect with my journey every single day -- putting it on "project status" where I deal with it every day.  This is as important as a job to me. 

This is the job of my life.

Like I say in my intro - I'm writing the story of my life one page at a time.  It is my hope one day to launch this into a book that can help others as they walk their own journeys.  Nothing thrills me more than to receive comments or emails saying how much my journey has inspired someone else.  It affects me two fold.  First as a writer, knowing that what I write can affect someone else.  It's pretty amazing when you can write a fictional story that makes another person laugh, cry or feel When it's your own life it's even more amazing.

Second it humbles me to know God is using me for a greater good than just my own health and happiness.  That's all any of us can really hope for.

And one day, hopefully, a publisher will agree and I will be able to cross the aspiring part out of my title "aspiring writer."  I'm "learning to dance" and the whole world gets to see.  Sometimes I stumble and fall, but there's no shame in that.  The only tragedy would be if I stayed down, which I no longer accept as "okay" for me.

My "growth buddy" Jeff (who is reading and learning from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway along with me) has been sending me a bunch of positive quotes to help fight the Chatterbox.  It's an issue for both of us, so we are inundating our subconscious with positive messages to fight that incessant naysayer.  The one quote we found today and I thought, "THIS is it, this is me," was from Bernadette Devlin:

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.

I'm going to beat the statistics - and hopefully I can encourage others to do the same.  It is my prayer that God use and direct me for His purposes, whatever that means.  Maybe it will be to teach a legion of women imprisoned by their emotional eating to break those chains and learn to dance themselves.

Either way, you all are along for the ride.  And I am *soooo* grateful that you are.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am strong.

Calories: 1252 / 24% fat
Sodium: 2319mg
Calcium: 952mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

The Chatterbox

In Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers talks about the Chatterbox, that internal naysayer we all have inside us that tries to undermine our confidence.  The one that whispers there's no way you can accomplish your goals, you're really not worth anything good, don't get your hopes up because nothing that good can happen to you - I'm sure you know the one.  Well mine's a real blabbermouth. 

As a matter of fact my Chatterbox was hard at work last night.  As you know my script has been requested by a management firm, and due to this or that we haven't mailed it yet.  The problem came when I opened the script again with a critical eye - just to make sure that it was "perfect", since I'd been alloted this extra time just by life events. 

So the Chatterbox began to eat at me, trying to tear me down from my high.  I posted some of my script up on this screenwriting message board I frequent, and several people mentioned how it was "novelistic".  In screenwriting terms, this is not a compliment.  So I started to worry if maybe they were right - despite the fact that the script consultant never said anything about it - in fact said I had a nice writing style and a good "voice".  I started to worry that maybe it was too much, which lead into worries that it really isn't good enough to be represented, much less sold.  What makes me think I can write a movie that will make millions of dollars?  You get the picture.

My whole day was spent telling my Chatterbox to shut up.  I went to various sites that offer produced scripts to read, reading the opening to The Exorcist, What Lies Beneath, The Sixth Sense and Scream.  I should probably read The Others too. 

Anyway all those scripts have a rich descriptive action, and it made me feel better.  After all, if I'm going to compete with those writers to sell, I might as well write like they do.  My script got a consider without having to chop huge blocks of action away, and I should feel good about that.

I should also feel good that the concept got someone excited enough to read it.  I shouldn't give into that dumb ol' Chatterbox.

Why can't I write a movie millions of people will pay money to see?  I'm smart, funny, entertaining and awfully creative.  The stories I tell are just as good as movies that are made every year - and sometimes better than.  Bottom line - if I can't believe in me and my product, how can I convince anyone else to?

It's tough, man.  When you've lived your whole life listening to that Chatterbox, it's hard to turn it off.  Difficult, but not impossible.  I just have to replace that negative voice with a positive one.  And that goes for every facet of my life - up to and including my weight loss.  Constantly it reminds me of all the times I've started this journey only to fail, what makes this time any different?  I've always quit everything that meant anything  - school, diets, marriage, writing - so what makes THIS time the time I succeed?

I think the problem is I've been taught that low self esteem equals humility.  If anyone compliments me, rather than thank them I feel like I have to compliment THEM, to show them that they're much better than I am.  I have been taught spiritual poverty - that I must accept how lowly and unworthy I am.  I hate that religion did that to me.  Instead of being taught that I am the righteousness of God, I was taught that I was a dirty dog sinner who deserved to go to hell - I was just darn lucky Jesus was so forgiving.  But in John 3:16 it specifically says for God so LOVED the world - and that's where I need to focus.  If I were truly so lowly, then why would God, the Creator of the Universe, love me?  No, we were made in his image.  The idea we are scum doesn't come from God or Jesus.  I'll refer to my husband's journal and point the finger right at the little red jerk. 

So I'm going to accept that love and I'm going to stand tall in who God created me to be.  There's humility, but more importantly there's never forgetting who you are and who God wants you to be. 

Therefore I'm going to fight that stupid chatterbox, because it's gotten me no where but hiding in my house, thinking I'm not good enough to own my place in the world.

And that stops now.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a good writer with a story good enough to be made.

Calories: 1295 / 28% fat
Sodium: 2470mg
Calcium: 1101mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

Month #6 Update

Well it's that time again.  I've been writing this journal for 6 months now, roughly losing from 320 down to 285 in 6 months.  That's 35lbs.  Not too shabby.  I had my February pitfall - going from a 12lb loss to a 4lb loss, and my April stagnation, going from an 8lb loss to this month's total - a 4lb loss.  My inches are much more impressive, at a loss of 8.5".   That helped me break through the final barrier and make it finally into a size 26.   I'm now 3.5" from a size 24.  I haven't been a size 24 in I don't know how long.  Since my 14 year old was in diapers I'm sure. 

I'm anxious to see how this "weekday" diet affects next month's totals.  I didn't get to "officially" weigh in today.  Steven had to work a double shift last night, and still had errands to run this morning.  By the time I got up he was crawling into bed.  But according to my home scale I weighed in at 291lbs just a few hours ago, which means that my morning weight would have been about three pounds less - and my home scale is 3-4lbs off anyway.  I thought I'd just go ahead and let the 285 stand, since I promised I'd let GNC be my "weight of record".  So we'll wait for Saturday for the latest weight loss news.

I have to admit I'm getting impatient.  Most of it is regret that I haven't made good choices and it added up to a couple of months where I didn't get the results I wanted.  That's why it's not difficult to do this limited calorie diet. And this is a diet.  It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would.  I start each day with an eating plan - mapping out everything I am going to eat that day.  I like having that structured.  Maybe that's why I had such a problem with my free day - I felt out of control.  I didn't like that feeling at all.

The 2100 calorie diet didn't affect me that way, or even the 1800 calorie day in the middle of the week when I ate heavy Mexican food.  Just the free day.  I can't believe I used to live my life that way.  I can tell you with almost certainty if I ever gave up monitoring my food - I'd go back to the way I was in no time.  And I can tell you with an even higher degree of certainty - that's not going to happen.

I read a funny article today on wild celebrity diets.  I've included the link below. 

http://channels.netscape.com/ns/celebrity/becksmith.jsp?floc=ce-main-1-l1&p=98

I give you all permission to spank me with a wet noodle if I try any of these diets.

This "weekday" diet is as extreme as I've gotten - or want to get.  I figure this will work for a while and if it stops then I have other tried and true methods that will keep it going.

But my Daily Affirmation shows my continued confidence that I will do it this time - Next Stop:  Thinville.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I definitely can handle the rest of my Journey to 145lbs.

Calories: 1271 / 25%
Sodium: 3000mg
Calcium: 1080mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

 

Back in the Saddle

I have to confess.  It felt good to return to 1200 calories today.  I felt back into control, like I was definitely marching toward my goal instead of coasting.  Yesterday I felt bloated and fat and terrible.  Today I feel a lot more in control.

Another thing I have noticed, when I am eating 1200 calories I eat a more balanced diet.  Those pie graphs on fitday.com show how balanced I eat.  I rarely have trouble meeting my sodium needs too.  I'm not meeting my calcium needs though, I may have to look into getting calcium supplements. 

I really thought it would be difficult to return to this restrictive eating plan, but it wasn't hard at all.  So hopefully I'll see some results at the end of the week.  I don't anticipate seeing much of a loss tomorrow - my home scale shows a gain.  So we'll just have to wait and see. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm sculpting a healthy and beautiful body.

Calories: 1296 / 26% fat
Sodium: 1724mg
Calcium: 999mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

Happy Mother's Day

It was a great Mother's Day.  We went to a Mother's Day Brunch at our church, which was really unique.  They showed some video of the kids from kids church saying "I love my mom because..." and Jeremiah's was, "I love my mom because I wouldn't be here without her." LOL

I got some great gifts, mainly my boys being so sweet and sensitive to me today.  I felt like a Queen all day.

I allowed myself a "free day" because there was no way I could figure out the caloric content of the brunch foods.  I don't like free days I've found.  They make me feel out of control.

I also feel like I'm bloated from here to next Tuesday.  My most dreaded Aunt has arrived, and I feel like I've retained about ten pounds of water.  It could be ten pounds of fat too.  I mean I was still good, still made good choices, better choices today than yesterday in fact.  But it feels like my 2100 calorie weekend caught up with me in a big way. 

I honestly don't want to weigh in on Tuesday.  I feel like a whale.  BUT, I have two days and I need to be totally honest in my journal even if it gives me results I don't want to see. 

So I'm back on 1200 calories as of right now and I'm going to down as much H2O as possible.  If I'm retaining water it's going to go, and I've heard that's the way to do it.

I have my script complete, polished and amped up and ready to go.  It's going to go in tomorrow's mail.  I feel really good about it.  It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I'm nearly at the top of the first drop.  Can you hear the chinka chinka chinka?

I'm not afraid.  I'm exhilerated.

If anyone wants to read the updated version, here's the link: 

http://geocities.com/gsvscreenplays/myimmortal.txt

I'm off for a rewarding bubble bath.  Happy Mother's Day to all my Journaling buddies, readers and writers alike.  You guys are the BEST. :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a good mother.

An Interesting Thing Happened on the Way to 2100 Calories...

I got full.

That's right... I went to Chili's, ordered lunch and about half way through I realized I had enough to eat.

Maybe this 5 day on / 2 day off thing helps train your body to survive on less, so that you require less.

Either way it was pretty cool.

Of course the bad thing is I ate dessert anyway.  I had anticipated Zookini's Key Lime Pie for a week, and then the wait was so long we ended up at Chili's instead.  So good ol deprivation kicked in and I decided I was going to have dessert, no matter what. 

But all in all I didn't have too bad a time with tempation.  Right about now is when I usually eat my shredded wheat, but I'm really kinda full so I'm putting it off.  It's nice to know that this is the way I'll be able to eat when I reach goal.  I finally feel satisfied and not deprived at all.

Not really looking forward to Monday though. 

I normally weigh in today but I just never got around to it, with all the Mother's Day shopping we did today (my mother, my sister and I).  My poor feet are begging for a hot soak.  Anyway I'm going to let all my stats stand as is until Tuesday, the 11th, when I do my monthly update for the Journal.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am worthy of good things.

Calories: 2193 / 25% fat
Sodium: 4539mg (eeeek!)
Calcium: 1684mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: walked my tootsies off, at least an hour's worth.

A Good Day... Scratch that... a GREAT DAY

On the 5th I decided to send out query letters to management companies to see about generating interest for My Immortal.  I sent out 7, simply because those were accessible online.  The next day I got a thanks but no thanks rejection.  Yesterday I got a thanks but no thanks rejection.  Today I opened up my email to find yet another response to my query, only THIS time it said, "We want to read it".  This is the first request I've ever received for my scripts, mainly because I haven't really been proactive in selling any before. 

So cross every body part and say every prayer.  I'm going to spend the weekend polishing the script and making it shine, then Monday it goes out in the world to see what happens. 

To be honest with you, I'm not stressful or worrying about anything.  I'm convinced that things will happen the way they're supposed to happen, and if it's meant for this particular management company to represent me and my story, then it will happen. 

It was totally cool to find that email in my mailbox though.  When I saw it in there I took a minute or two to "brace" myself.  I mean, I understand that rejections are part of the business, but they still sting.  So I worked myself up saying, "It's not the end of the world if they say no, I still have other lines in the water, they can kill me but they can't eat me" kind of thing.  Then I opened it and the first line, "Thank you for your query" I'm still working myself up for the big let down.  I had to reread the line that followed, "We would like to read My Immortal" about three times before it sunk in.

And if this weren't enough to make me walk on air, I was having a "thin" day, so I measured.  I've lost 6 inches in a week.  This brings the grand total of inches lost to 38 inches.  Since January I've lost 11" in the dreaded "girth" area.  Before you know it, I'll be able to ride Southwest again.

Actually I can probably ride now, the last time I rode SWA the seatbelt didn't fit by about 4-5 inches.  We'll see in August I guess.

Or maybe sooner, God willing, on a trip to California to finally put this screenwriting career in forward motion. 

Whatever is meant to happen, will happen.  I've done everything in my power to do, now it's not up to me anymore.  So all I really need to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am a talented writer, worthy of success.

Calories: 1266 / 27% fat
Sodium: 3201mg
Calcium: 1140mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: walked 2 miles

Trusting Your Gut

Yesterday I mentioned the 5 day on, 2 day off diet plan I had decided to adopt, figuring not only could I handle the 1200 calories in short spans, but it would also keep my metabolism guessing and keep me from the dreaded P word - that's Plateau folks.

Anyway imagine my surprise when Mon, the Queen Goddess of Weight Loss! mentioned that her son had been instructed by his Navy recruiter to adopt this diet.  I didn't even know it WAS a diet. 

So I googled around a bit and found "The Weekday Diet".  It contends that if you only have to be good five days a week, that you're more apt to stay on program.   Not only that but it will maintain the metabolic rate 24/7 and actually keep your body burning more fat. 

I was just fiddling around, I had no idea that this had already been discovered and used.  I guess that goes to show that after mastering enough eating strategies over enough time, you really do know what's best just instinctually. 

We'll see exactly how long term this plan can be, starting Saturday.  That will be the first day "off".  I'm taking my mom and my sister to Zookini's for lunch.  I don't plan to go overboard, although that key lime pie is definitely calling my name.  Like I said I'm going to use the caloric needs of what I will ultimately need to maintain my goal weight, this way I'm still learning how to eat properly.  If I went totally nuts on my two days off, then what's to stop me from going totally nuts all the way?  Nope, that's setting myself up for failure.

And this girl won't have anything to do with failure.  In fact, I've redefined my goals of what to do before I turn 40.  That's 6 more years. 

1. Get down to goal weight and maintain at no more than150lbs.
2. Sell a book AND/or a screenplay - a significant sale.
3. Have one more child, at least.
4. Own my own home.
5. Buy a new car, as in brand new car.
6. Travel to New York City.
7. Travel to Europe.
8. Go on a cruise
9. Run a mile (I never did it, even as a kid... it’s kind of a personal vendetta)
*10. Earn an Associates Degree in Communication (and start toward a Bachelor's Degree)
*11. Learn to speak another language
*12. Learn to swim
*13. Learn to dance

The ones indicated with an * are the new goals.  I told my son recently that goals without work are just dreams, so here's some of the work I plan to do to realize some of my goals.

I'm going to enroll at the local junior college for the fall semester.  We'll see what financial aid there is for me, and how many classes I can take to pursue an Associates Degree in Communication.  Whether it's full time or part time really depends on the type of grants/loans I can qualify for.  

Classes start in August, so starting next week I'm going to get everything in order to apply.   I'm nervous and kinda scared.  This is a big step for a hermit like me.   I'm not scared of the work.  I am not even afraid of failure.  My biggest anxiety comes from the social interaction.  I almost put off enrolling until Spring 2005.  But what I want is far greater than what I fear, so I decided I wanted to jump right in.  

I know, I can handle it.

In fact Lynne of  : : The Art of Balance : :   |   DivaFlava.com reminded me of a great scripture I need to commit to memory ASAP.

2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) - For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and sound mind.

Sounds good to me.  :)

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am powerful.

Calories: 1290 / 15% fat
Sodium: 2270mg
Calcium: 744mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Walked 2 miles

Saying Goodbye to 289 & New Goals

I was treated to an impromptu girls day out with my mom and my sister, and since we just happened to be at the mall I checked my weight.  Say hello to a 285lb Ginger.  We're talking 4lbs lost since Saturday!  I cannot tell you how excited I was to break through that plateau of 289.

I ended up eating at El Chico today, it was my sister's treat so I figured I'd splurge just a little.  I've decided that I'm going to try to do a 5 day on / 2 day off eating plan for another week or two.  This means that Mon - Friday I stay on the restrictive 1200 calorie plan and that on the weekend I adopt the final eating plan that will maintain my ultimate goal weight (145), which is 2100 calories.  Whether I eat that much or not remains to be seen, and whether or not the 1200 calorie plan will even work long term remains to be seen.  I figured I'd give it a week just to see what will happen, just one more way to keep my body guessing what I'm going to do next.  My goal is to lose 2-3lbs a week until I get my averages back up again.  Then I can adopt a 1600 - 1800 calorie a day eating plan, more in line with my nutritional needs, and hopefully will maintain that steady weight loss.  If not, we know that the 1200 calorie diet will break through the plateaus, and good news is I've only needed to adopt it twice in 8 months in order to get things moving again.

Also I signed up for The President's Challenge - You're it. Get fit! where I have committed to 30 mins of activity, 5 days a week.  If I keep this up for six weeks, I get an award.  I thought, that's pretty cool, so I signed up.  If I'm going to do it anyway, I might as well get a nifty prize along the way. 

I've also decided, in line with facing the fears I have been talking to you all about, that I'm going to go to college.  Not back to college, but to college.  And I've decided to pursue a commincations degree.  Not only that, but once I do get involved in the university, I'm going to enroll in their drama department.  I'm going to come out of the shadows and into the limelight literally.

It won't happen overnight, mind you.  Financially it's a big committment.  But Susan Jeffers book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway made me see that I don't have to worry about making a wrong decision.  Every decision is the right decision, because of the opportunities it affords us.  I've always been so reticent about going to college, even though it's the one regret I have from my youth, because I was afraid that I'd invest so much money in something I would inevitably not even use for my ultimate writing career.  But a communications degree could place me right in line with jobs that utilize my writing career (Public Relations/Editing/Proof Reading/Speech Writing), so I don't have to be afraid anymore.  Even if I sell my work and don't have to get "a job", the idea is going out and accomplishing something that I always hated I never accomplished.  And ultimately, every experience is going to broaden my horizons and expand what I can offer as a writer anyway. 

Therefore I'm going to experience it to the fullest.  Getting involved in campus activity, being a part of the whole experience.   I may be an older 34, but I'm really just being born, learning how to wobbly stand to my feet. 

Which is true for every aspect of my life.  I'm transforming my body, breaking out of this coccoon to emerge a beautiful butterfly.  I'm going to get dental work done to improve my smile, tackle things like learning how to swim and dance so I no longer sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have their fun.  All this and college too?  Pretty soon y'all won't even recognize me.

Oh, and yesterday I sent out 7 queries to literary management companies to see if they wanted to read My Immortal.  I got one rejection already, and it hurt for a moment.  But then I released it and figured, that just wasn't the one.  Each no is going to bring me that much closer to a yes. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am a strong and worthy person.

Calories: 1878 / 32% fat
Sodium: 3534mg
Calcium: 1361mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: Shopping till I dropped 

I Can Handle It

I got my two books from Amazon today, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by  Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. and Woman Thou Art Loosed by T.D. Jakes.  I started on Feel the Fear, since that's been my big focus these last few days. 

So much of what Susan said hit me dead on.  I understood about the negative thinking, the victim role I have relished, the reasons for my fear - it's enough for a month's worth of entries and I'm only 3/4 of the way through.

We'll start at the root.  The root of all fear, according to Susan, is the doubt we can handle changes - good or bad.  If you fear getting sick, losing your job, losing a loved one, or maybe changing jobs, taking risks, it's all a matter of insecurity that whatever it is would simply be too much to survive.

She contends that if we just approach every single opportunity (she doesn't like to call them problems) with the attitude "I can handle anything!" then the fear would soon be a non issue. 

It showed me that I've created this environment because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle change, loss, rejection, or even love, intimacy and success.  Deep down I don't feel I can handle these things, so I do whatever I can to protect myself, invariably creating a prison for myself.  And it never fails that the prison hurts me so much more than just getting through those experiences.

For so long I've been so passive.  I let life happen to me, and then take on the victim role when what happens is bad.  I have written four novels, five screenplays and countless poems - but I've never sold a one.  I don't know if I really felt that just sending out a piece of work every ten years would actually get me sold, or if I just felt comfortable being the "suffering" artist who couldn't put her foot in the door. 

The only difference between me and someone who has sold, is that they actually took a chance.  They risked the rejection.  I, on the other hand, wanted to wait until I was perfect. 

Susan discusses this in her book as well.  She calls it the WHEN/THEN game.  I spent my whole life waiting on a time to come when I'd be ready to take my chances.  When I write the perfect script, then I'll try to get sold.  When I lose weight, then I'll go network with people and try to get my script sold.  When I lose weight, then I'll be more social and unafraid of new relationships.  When I get more confidence, then I'll set out to do the things I know I need to do. 

Well there is no WHEN/THEN.  These are things I create by doing, not waiting.  It's like I told my sister a long time ago about waiting for motivation.  If you wait for motivation, it never comes.  You just have to do it. 

So I just have to do it.  Life is too short to play the WHEN/THEN game.  Will things be easier once I lose the weight?  Most likely - but with that comes new challenges as well.  There will always be new opportunities that will be scary at first, as I contemplate whether or not I can handle it.

Therefore I have to establish full on in my head without question that I can handle anything life throws at me.  Some things are going to be harsher than others, but each have their own lessons to be learned.  

And the first thing I have to teach myself I can handle, is losing all of my weight.  Not just some, not just halfway, not just to another "comfort zone".  I can handle the journey that takes me to 145lbs.  I can make the changes, I can roll with the punches and I can make it out of this prison of fat.  I can handle it. 

One of her exercises is affirmations, so I will begin adding that to my journal entries as of tonight.  The trick, she says, is to write the affirmations in the present tense.  Instead of saying I will learn to like myself, I like myself.  Name it and claim it as it were.  It's time to replace the negative speak with positive speak.  One of those things is going to rule my thinking, it might as well be the one that is going to make me happy, rather than living in doubt and fear.  The first one I may have to repeat for a while, because it's just that important.

So my recommendation for anyone is to read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.  In fact, I'll probably be buying a copy a piece for my sister and my mom, because that victim/martyr crap I grew up on was generational.  It's time to break the chain.

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am creating a healthy and beautiful body. 

Calories: 1293 / 28% fat
Sodium: 2728mg
Calcium: 1008mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

I May Not Be Perfect, But I'm Perfectly Me

I can safely say that there is no one on the Earth exactly like me.  I used to complete that observation with the wry, "And the Earth rejoices."

I never really had a whole lot of confidence.  I was always in competition with everyone else to do better, be better, excel.  My self esteem was riding on it. 

In school I had to get the best grades.  And once my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Adams, began to exhault my writing talent, that's where I wanted to shine too.  I didn't even attempt anything I couldn't master to everyone else's astonishment. 

That's why contests mean so much.  I give my all and I think I deserve recognition, but it never came.  I was the shining star of my ninth grade Public Speaking class (yes, shy me), but I never won ONE city wide competition.  It totally bummed me out and made me question my total worth, just because I wasn't number one.

That's why never placing in my screenwriting competitions would shake me from writing anything, period, for months after I was told once again my script, in other words I, wasn't going to make the cut.  I have to obliterate the competition - I have to win.

But things are happening now that are important.  Confidence building things that show me I don't have to beat anyone else to excel at the only thing God ever intended me to excel at - and that's being me.  There's only one, one who has had the benefit of learning and growing and evolving over these last 34 years into a pretty cool person. 

I don't have to lose this weight to be someone, I already AM someone.  I have my faults because I'm human, and there's no way in this world I can eliminate all these faults and become Super Human.  Why I aspired to this, I had no idea.  My faults are there to show me things, to teach me things, to help me grow.  They evolve and change right along with me.

Once I have conquered this weight, there will be other things I will have to work on.  You never stop growing until the day that you die.  And by then you've learned all you needed to know anyway.

So I can be confident in who I am.  I can be confident in what I'm doing.  Criticisms no longer have to cut my self esteem to the quick, I can assess it to see if it is something I can use, and then dump it if I can't.  The opinions of others don't determine who I am.  Only I do that.

The first step to true self confidence is accepting myself for all the wonderful traits and faults that comprise me.  I'm going to kick condemnation to the curb and forgive myself and love myself for the special creature God created me to be.

He loves me and accepts me - so why can't I? 

And I will.  Starting NOW.

Calories:  1259 / 20% fat
Sodium: 2445mg
Calcium: 854mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: Errands

My First 1200 Calorie Day

I'll admit.  I've been a baby today.  This diet (and it IS a diet) blows.  BUT I'm on a mission and nothing is going to deter me.  It's only a week.  That's all.  And I'm one day down.  I can do this.

Journey2Sarah, one of my most devoted commenters, has suggested that I'm addicted to sugar.  I haven't wanted to address it.  I gave up fat.  I gave up sodas.  I gave up fried food.  For the most part I've even given up a LOT of the sweets I normally eat.  I'm hanging on to sugar as tight as I can.  It's all I have left.  I don't even drink anymore.  So yeah I'm listening... I'm just not ready to say good bye to my sweet tooth.  My fat free pudding today was the highlight of my day.  I'm an addict, I admit it.  All I ask is a little patience while I work up the nerve to say goodbye to it.  I'm making teeny tiny baby steps, honest.  I'll get there.  It just won't happen overnight.

Sjburgess51, my dear friend Jeannie, has also suggested that because my generation eats out more that contributes to the weight.  I wouldn't argue that at all.  It's another area that I have not been able to cut the ties to.  I like to eat out.  I like the convenience of it.  Cooking dinner isn't on my list of fun things to do.  And it's too bad because I'm a pretty good cook.  I do resort to cooking in when I can't find any other way to have what I want within my restricted eating guidelines (namely sodium).  Again it comes back to my issues with patience, and right now I can safely tell you I have zero. 

So I do appreciate and read every single comment even if I cannot respond to them all.  I just really don't know what I'd do without you all.  The constant edification I get here is amazing to me.  When I write the most raw entries where I even am embarrassed to post them, I get the most supportive responses.  It's really astounding that people whom I've never met are the ones who keep me on the straight and narrow, just by extending their hearts and their thoughts to me out of geniune kindness.

That's kind of what today's sermon was about.  A pastor from the local homeless mission church came to speak to us today, talking about how Jesus' plan and purpose was to reach all people, and he never became hard hearted to anyone.    Each one of you who reach out to me, a virtual stranger really, is such an act of love.  It touches me more than there is room in this journal to express.  So I want to thank you all for being so faithful to read and follow my journey, always supportive and encouraging, giving me limitless amounts of advice.  You all ROCK.

Which brings me to the scripture that spoke to me today.  Remember I've been dealing with fear a lot in breaking some of the spiritual bondage I've suffered that resulted in my obesity, and this scripture kind of grabbed me by my arm and said PAY ATTENTION.

1 John 4:18 (NIV) - There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears has not been made perfect in love.

Which is true.  I was afraid of posting those pictures below because I felt condemned, that I had failed so badly that my weight has gotten so out of control and the whole world can see it.  There's NO hiding it in that picture.  All I've received from all of you readers is love, and I really had no reason to feel fearful, except for condemnation is just another extention of that bondage of fear. 

The Message reads that verse in this way: There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment is one not fully formed in love.

So I'm working to break that fear.  Today I did step out and go shake hands with people.  I *almost* didn't, because the Pastor instructs all the members of the church to introduce themselves to guests, and *technically* I'm a guest.  But I resisted that little devil and went anyway.  I spent more time worrying about it than actually pained while doing it, which is typically how it goes, isn't it?

Speaking of Pastor, I think I've finally found a church where I can be nurtured.  As long as I've been a Christian I'm still embryonic in my faith.  I've done and seen great things of God, but still I need to be taught and loved just like a baby or child.  And this Pastor can do it.  He's offered to take Steven and I out to lunch just to meet with us and get to know us better.  I've never had a Pastor do that before.  It may be because it's such a new church, but the love I feel there is going to help me break through all this fear.  I've included the name of this church over in my favorite links, and the next time the membership classes are offered, I'm going to go. 

I realize I use my weight loss journal to speak on a variety of topics.  It's my belief that everything in my life affects my journey.  The physical body is affected by the spiritual body and the emotional body, they're all connected.  And as an emotional overeater I can tell you that when it comes to my addiction to food, all things can either be excuses or they can be stepping stones.  It's just how I choose to use it.

So this journey is more about my weight loss.  It truly is a Journey to Me, and who I am as a whole person. 

One day I'll know who that is.  I'm just going to take it one day at a time.

Calories: 1285 / 19% fat
Sodium: 2091mg
Calcium: 936mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None