Saturday Weigh In - The Art of Imperfection

Today's weigh in was disappointing.  It showed 283.0lbs.  All that euphoria I felt yesterday was popped just like a balloon.  Despite the fact I didn't get any sleep last night, despite the fact that I've been exercising and gaining muscle, nothing seems to make me feel any better because I just can't get those numbers to move no matter what I do - unless it's in the opposite direction of where I want them to go.

To come here and report a gain strikes me at my perfectionist core.  I feel like an utter failure to show a gain in my weight LOSS journal.  I hate it.  Hate it, hate it, hate it.  Steven tries to talk me down and tells me all this stuff I've been trying to tell myself all this time to keep going, but the fact of the matter is none of my weigh ins are going to get any better as long as I put so much emphasis on it.  It's why I can't sleep the night before even though I know that I need to in order to get a good weigh in.  I stress so much I'm sabotaging myself.

 

So I've made an important decision.  I'm going to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak.  I've said forever it's not about the pounds it's about being healthier.   In order for that to be true I'm just going to dump the weekly weigh in.  As of now we're going to do a monthly weigh in at or around the first, and that's it.  Instead of basing my behavior on a weekly basis, I'm going to give it a whole month.   This means dumping the home scale too, because I do that daily. 

Instead I'm just going to focus on meeting my nutritional requirements, getting in my exercise and doing what I need to do on a daily basis. 

 

Another thing I'm going to start doing is watching my sodium again.  Yesterday I really did bad and had over 5000mg of sodium, twice as much as the daily requirement of 2400mg.  Today I feel bloated and nasty.  So I'm going to give myself a 3000mg limit on that in addition to my other goals. 

NEW GOALS:

Calories: M-F & Sunday: 2000, Sat. 2400
Fat: 30% or <
Sat. Fat: 10% or <
Fiber: 25g
Calcium: 1000mg
Sodium: 3000mg or <
Water: 64oz or >
Exercise: 30 mins vigorous exercise at least 5 times a week

 

I think it's time we hit the gyms to see which one will be a good fit also, so we can get some weight training in.  I'm not ruling out Curves at all, I'm going to go visit that with my sister in the near future (her schedule has been conflicting lately).  But I do want to see about something that Steven and I can do together just for schedule's sake.  The only time I can get any real decent sleep these days is in the late morning/early afternoon - so I don't want to commit to Curves with my sister since that's the time she goes.  Until I've tried it and know it's something I can do for myself, there's no real point in making that a goal.

I've learned that about exercise.  You really have to like what you do.  If it's a chore, it's going to be easier to ditch.

Plus Steven and I need to do something like this together, just us.  We need more stuff we can do as a couple rather than fracturing off into our own thing.  And what better thing could we do than stuff that improves our health?

 

Tip of the Day: DON'T WEIGH YOURSELF TOO OFTEN.  Yes, I know it's taken me a lot of time to listen to this tip for myself, but the reason I put these tips in here isn't just for the reader.  Writing them down helps affirm them for myself.  According to the experts, our weight fluxuates for a variety of different reasons, so our weight loss success isn't always measured by the numbers on the scale.  (ain't that the truth).  How we fit in our clothes, how we look or feel, and inches lost can be just as indicative of weight loss success. 

 

Stats:  TBA

Battling Weight From the Inside Out

Today Dr. Phil did a show on gastric bypass surgery.  Like most "get thin quick" methods of losing weight, I don't care for it.  I'm sure there are times it's needed but I really fear that people are risking their lives to use it as a cosmetic cure to an internal problem.

An alcoholic or a drug addict will quit using while in rehab because their choices are taken away from them.  However when put back in the real world they need to understand that battling these addictions is a day to day challenge.

Unfortunately too many people figure that once you lose weight that your battle is over and you've won.  Sometimes though, it's just beginning.

 

I am a food addict.  I have always been a food addict and will always be a food addict.  Case in point, being so sorely tempted to eat badly last week when faced with the trauma of Jeremiah's injury.  Thirty years of behavior is hard to break with just one year of good behavior.  All the triggers that made me overeat in the past are still there, I've just learned how to cope with them differently.

And that's where I feel the diet industry fails the obese population they prey upon.  Take this pill, buy this contraption, do this diet and you can lose weight FAST.  We, as a group of people who have come to depend on instant gratification (like that we find in overeating our comfort foods), buy into it thinking if we could just lose the weight everything else will change.  If I lose weight then I'll want to exercise.  If I lose weight then I'll want to eat better.  If I lose weight I'll be happier, more confident, less likely to fail.

 

<insert annoying buzzer sound here>  WRONG.  Losing weight only changes your outside - what still needs work and what will always need work is your inside. 

If you have a problem with deprivation and you undergo a surgery that says "if you eat too much sugar or fat you're going to get sick as a dog" guess what's going to happen?  You're going to binge and get sick as a dog.  Why?  Because being deprived causes you psychological pain.  You'll avoid it at all costs, even physical discomfort.

If you have entitlement issues and you work out like a crazy person for a week and see no loss (or even a gain) then you blow off the exercise.  Why put yourself through all that if you don't see a result?   You might even go binge on your favorite treat of choice because after all, you've earned it, you deserve it.  You're entitled.

If you use food to surpress emotion, what happens when you're thrust into the mainstream of life, meeting new people who find you so much more approachable now that you're normal sized?  What happens when you realize that being thin doesn't mean you're going to fall in love any easier, or keep in love any better?  How then will you roll with the punches of the emotional ups and downs that just come from simply living?  Drowning yourself in gallons of Ben & Jerry's that's how.

 

Why do some people eat whatever they want and never gain one pound, but so many of us end up blowing up as big as a balloon just looking at the wrong foods?  We are in the very unenviable position of wearing our addictions on our sleeves.  Food is to us what alcohol is to an alcoholic.  We have to come to terms with our emotional well being if we ever want to see a change in our physical well being.

Surgery may take the choices away for a while and you have no choice to lose weight, but it's not a permenant fix-all.  One day you will have to deal with the reasons why you are/were obese.  Those of us who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

 

Which is why I was so completely and utterly psyched yesterday that I could go into a restaurant and make good choices.  After a year the changes I've made are inherent.  This is a good thing. 

Tonight I pigged out on pizza and that was a bad thing.  Not because I went over in any aspect of my diet - but because I used food to stuff down emotion.  I was so brokenhearted to see an 18 year old girl who weighs 350lbs desperate for this surgery when she already has everything she needs to make it all on her own without risking her health or her life.  I wrote Dr. Phil a letter explaing where I had come from and how I felt about her choice, but inside I was just feeling so helpless that someone out there could risk their life to bethin and there was nothing I could do.

 

I hate the society that says we have to treat obese people like second class citizens.  When she was crying on that stage I knew every single thing she was feeling.  It hurts to be different.  It hurts to be the "freak", to wear your "weakness" where everyone anywhere can see it.  And as a young person I can only imagine how much her pain is amplified.  I can't even imagine being 350lbs in school.  I barely left my house.

I remember what it felt like when I would have to gently tell the waitress that I needed a table, not a booth.  Even back in San Antonio in March we had to sit outside because the booths at the restaurant were too small and uncomfortable. 

Being too big in a small world where people of size are literally despised is a very painful experience.  People just look at you like if you had any will power you'd just say no to food.

What they don't realize, it's not about the food.  It's not even about being overweight.  It's all about how we value ourselves.

 

Most people who are overweight are very generous people who would do anything for anyone.  They are the care givers and the nurturers who devote their lives to their spouses, families, children, jobs, etc.  They do not put a value on taking care of themselves, they'll do everything for everyone else first and then blame time as an excuse why they can't treat themselves any better.  I know this because I am this. 

And I see this in the people who respond to this journal.  We're good people... we just have to remember that in regards to taking care of ourselves.  We deserve to eat properly and exercise and let ourselves feel what we feel instead of trying to push it down with food and hide under layers of protective fat.

 

I wish that I wrote this before the pizza.  I probably would not have eaten so much.  Not that I ate a whole lot but it's laying in my gut like a dead weight.  Once my full house is empty again, there's going to be some bike riding going on, headache or not.  I'm not going to let that be an excuse any longer.

 

Tomorrow is weigh in day.  I'm a little concerned that I won't see a loss despite the hard work I've put in this week.  But you know what?  I don't even need that anymore.  Today my mom (who went to vote like a good American) bought me an early birthday gift in a couple of sweaters, some underwear and a necklace at Lane Bryant.  Do you know how good it feels to buy something you think is pretty, put it on, have it fit and actually feel like you look good in it?  That is a total high - so much better than any food high I've ever had. 

So I'm not going to beat myself up for the pizza, I'm going to work it off.  This is my life now - no deprivation, no condemnation, no entitlement - just good old fashioned controlled eating and deliberate exercise.

I'm going to get thin.  It may not be tomorrow.  It may not be a year from now.  But nothing, absolutely nothing, is going to deter me from this journey.  I've come to far, and I know I deserve to be everything I was meant to be.

 

Songs to PUMP you UP.

Happy songs tonight.  Peppy energetic stuff that makes my spirit light.  The body has no choice but to follow:

SEND ME ON MY WAY - Rusted Root
SPARE MINUTE - Bob Guiney
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF - Journey
RIVER DEEP, MOUNTAIN HIGH - Celine Dion
BAD TOUCH - Bloodhound Gang
ISTANBUL - They Might Be Giants
DON'T FIGHT IT - Kenny Loggins & Steve Perry
NEW ATTITUDE - Patti LaBelle
THE CUP OF LIFE - Ricky Martin

 

Tip of the Day: THINK THIN.  Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.  You are what you say you are.  If you look in that mirror and say, "God I'm a big fat cow" then your pscyhe responds.  It will hunger for all the foods it knows it shouldn't have because you have undermined yourself.  By verbalizing that all your effortshaven't produced a tangible result just because you're not at goal, you're not giving yourself thecredit you deserve for having even made the first few steps at a new life.  Self depreciation = self destruction.  However, if you go by that mirror and say, "I look GREAT.  I feel thinner, lighter, healthier.  I'm a success at losing weight." then your psyche will respond in kind.  You'll want to participate in more activities, you'll want to eat better and look better.  Don't wait for goal weight to live like a thin person.  You'll be thankful for the practice!

 

Stats:

Calories: 2065
Fat: 27%
Sat. Fat: 6%
Fiber: 40g
Calcium: 1540mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: rode 30 mins stationary bike

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I have everything I need to succeed.

 

How About an ATTA GIRL?

Today started off in the crapper.  My internet wasn't running properly and I was getting way behind in my already behind schedule for work.  The stress made sleep impossible and when I woke up to more computer problems I was livid to find that nothing was helping.  Nothing.

I didn't want to exercise.  When Oprah came on with her "favorite foods" show I was fully prepared to drown my sorrows in chocolate truffles.

 

Instead I had a nonfat light yogurt. 

I fought off a low grade fever, still put off the exercise and just basically was a grump all day.  Then I got into a political discussion this morning with my 12 year old son, emphasizing to him the importance of this election - and any election - to his future.  I got him as hopping mad about some of the issues as I am and I was delighted to learn he was the same political affiliation that I am without any real training to get him to be so.  I have a future voter on my hands in both my sons - I'm psyched about that.

I got Steven to vote last election and my mother to vote this election.  Little by little we're changing the world.

 

Anyway we finally figured out the problem with the internet so I was able to take the kiddoes to the mall where they could dress up in their Halloween costumes and meet up with their friends.  Meanwhile Steven and I walked for about an hour and a half. 

So even though I didn't intend to exercise, I got in plenty.  This is what happens when I actually get off my duff and do more than "intend" to exercise.

As Yoda says, "There is no try.  There is do or do not."

Oh, and I voted while I was out at the early voting place at the mall.  On to November 2!!

 

No the atta girl comes from when we went out to eat on the way home.  The boys really like Golden Corral for the steak buffets and I conceded even though I knew buffet could mean big trouble.

But you know what?  It didn't.  I totally didn't overeat.  I managed to make all the right choices when presented to me and got all my nutritional guidelines no problems.  The onlyreason I went over was nibbling some of Steven's pretzel at the mall, and swigging some of his lemonade.  But even still, I only went over by about 100 calories. 

Meanwhile Steven pigged out and felt so bloated and miserable.  I, on the other hand, felt satisfied.

Let's all say it together - overeating is bad.   Eating till you feel bloated and yucky?  Who needs that?

Not ME!  :)

 

Tip of the Day:  PAY ATTENTION.  I've been stressing the importance of focused eating, and this means taking food away from activities that keep you from paying attention to what you pop into your mouth.  This means no snacking in front of the TV.  No snacking in front of the computer.  This helps in two ways - when you eat you need to pay attention to your food not only to prevent overeating, but it also helps you from creating "habitual hunger".  Sometimes you think you're hungry when you're just used to eating at a certain time, with a certain show or playing certain games.   Honor your mealtime.  You're doing something very important for your body.  Give it the attention it deserves.

 

Stats:

Calories: 2149
Fat: 25%
Sat Fat: 6%
Fiber: 34g
Calcium: 1435mg
Water: 60oz
Exercise: Walked 1 1/2 hours

DAILY AFFIRMATION: It's not enough to wish.  One must live by intention.  (Thank you, Hal Sparks.)

 

Pass the Persecution Please.

I always say that this journal has been my saving grace from the beginning.  To be able to come here and work things through instead of stuff it down with food has been so helpful to me - like a life raft.  I always tell everyone else who starts a blog to utlitize it to the fullest of their ability because I think having a method of accountability is key.

I chose to make this a very public therapy session.  Why?  Because I care very much about what people think of me.  I knew if it was just for me, I'd blow it off.  But if total strangers saw me falling down, that would motivate me to keep going. 

Most of the time it has been a very positive experience.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the comments people leave for me or the emails that I get or even the lurkers, who come visit even if they do so silently.  I feel enormous comfort from this - you all have become my soft place to fall.

 

However I was digging around in my psyche last night, moving some furniture around and I came to realize that I began doing things for others a few months ago.  That whole wanting people to like me thing was actually counter productive.  I wanted to be accepted, the criticism of how or what I ate cut deep.  So I ceased doing things my way and started doing it someone else's way just because they didn't agree with how I did things.

It wasn't because anyone was mean or critical.  It's just that, as a total perfectionist who has always identified herself with being "perfect" - it felt like I was being persecuted.  It was my skewed perception totally.

I dumped the sugar because a commenter - a good intentioned commenter who was only trying to help me - suggested that I was living in denial about my sugar addiction, that I could eat like she had chosen to eat and have better results.  I felt beat up through no fault of her own and I fought feeling like failure for a while before I conceded that I had it wrong, she had it right and I was going to have to dump the one thing I had deliberately made room for in my life. 

 

In my passive aggressive way I dumped the exercise, I dumped the momentum - I dumped everything because my inner child was pouting big time over having her cookie taken away.  And over the course of time everything was thrown into reverse and I began to look at this journey like a chore rather than the enriching experience it was meant to be.  I even got to where I didn't want to put my stats on the bottom of the page, or even post at all.  Fortunately you all pulled me back from the abyss and let me know where I had it wrong.  I began to go back to the things I knew worked for me - things you all saw worked for me.

It led me back to doing things my way and feeling once again liberated.  Except for last night, when I had a brownie and some ice cream for dessert and I felt like a big ol fat failure.  I know that there are no secrets here, anyone can check on what I'm eating any time just by clicking the link I provided.  I did that on purpose to be accountible for everything I put into my mouth. 

I gotta tell you, I hated the guilt that I felt even though I knew I had done everything perfectly that day diet wise.  I was right within my goals on every aspect, even exercise.  Yet I beat myself up because I didn't want to be criticised and then feel persecuted.  I had a weak moment in other words.

 

The fact of the matter is I don't want to diet.  Period.  I don't want to resign myself over to a life where I can't eat what I want within reason.  Especially when I've already proven that there's success with moderation and not starvation and deprivation.  In this last year I lost over sixty pounds eating moderately and responsibly.  In this last year I only lost six pounds on the no sugar diet.   I think I'll stick with my way.

Because it's okay for me to do things my way.  I don't have to hold myself up to anyone else's standards.  This has been my biggest downfall during this entire mess.  I'm always comparing myself to everyone else and then beating myself up that I'm not as good, better or more successful. 

I don't need to identify myself by any standard other than my own.  No one can do this journey but me and I have to find something that works for me.

 

And it's just sick that I want to further explain that the ice cream was sugar free to somehow justify my choices, so that everyone will still like me.  None of you have ever made me feel more than accepted and loved as is, and here I am just pressing all my own issues onto you to feed that stupid persecuted victim I've always allowed myself to be.

For that, I owe you all a huge, ENORMOUS apology.  You all didn't deserve that, and I need to work through those things without attaching my hangups on people who have done nothing but support me through one of the hardest journeys of my life.  I literally wouldn't be here without your love and support, honest to God.

 

Honestly I'm not trying to be defiant.  I'm trying to be realistic.  If I sit here and think about how differently I'm going to have to eat for the rest of my life I start to get this huge "why me" complex.  I look at someone eating a piece of cake I don't even want and I hate that they can do that without a second thought - and I have to say no.

But I don't have to say no.  I just have to say, not all the time.  In fact I found that in an article today that say you should keep some of your junk food snacks in moderation.  Instead of having a cookie or two, you're going to suck down an entire bag.  I think it's just human nature.

 

I had a similar experience way back when I went on another failed attempt to lose weight when I went to nibble (because I was hungry) after we'd already eaten dinner, and Steven said to me, "You're still hungry?"  The fact of the matter was I hadn't eaten my entire calorie card (I was on Richard Simmons back then), and I could eat - but because he said that I suddenly felt criticized and persecuted and didn't want to eat because I didn't want Steven to think I was some big loser who couldn't control her appetite - even though that wasn't the case at all.

 

It all boils down to me and my neurotic need for public acceptance.  Which is kinda crazy because I could do everything perfect all the time and I still would find one critic.  I don't need permission to be myself or to do things differently than others are doing it.  I don't have to keep up with the Jones', I don't have to measure myself by everyone else because that automatically assumes that everyone else is better than me anyway. 

And you know what?  That's just not true.  No one is better at being me than me.  So I need to measure myself against myself only.  I don't need permission to make the choices I make - I am smart enough and capable enough to make these choices for myself.  I've been doing this for a while now, I think I have a pretty good handle on things. 

 

Does that mean I can't or won't accept advice?  No, that's not it at all.  I just need to learn how to accept or reject advice without feeling persecuted.  When someone gives me advice I always feel like I need to change automatically.  I never weigh the pros and cons on how it applies to me, I just automatically assume that everyone else is right and I'm wrong.  It's that low self esteem just rearing its ugly head.  Therefore if I don't take that advice I feel guilty and condemned.  No one makes me feel that way - that's courtesy of the big bad Chatterbox that likes to keep me down on my back instead of in a fighting stance.

 

So keep giving me advice.  And I'll trust that you all know enough about me by now to know I'll make the right decisions for myself with all the evidence presented.  I may not always make the perfect or right decisions right away, but I don't stay off course for too long.  I know you all believe I'm going to be okay.  The time has come for me to believe that about myself as well. 

It's another Fake It Till You Make It situation.  I'll go into that one in more detail tomorrow as I start to get into what I think my life should be and how I need to work on A LOT on some deeply hidden issues to get to where I want to be physically, emotionally and spiritually.

 

Songs to PUMP you UP.

Today I didn't even think about getting off the bike until 20 mins in, yet I still rode the whole way.  Thank God for the Non Scale Victory of being able to fit on that bike better as my hips and girth melt away.

I rocked out to empowering songs today:

BETTER BE GOOD TO ME - Tina Turner
ABSOLUTELY NOT - Deborah Cox
I KNOW - Dionne Farris
THE B*TCH IS BACK - Elton John
NEW ATTITUDE - Patti LaBelle
BABY I'M A STAR - Prince

 

Tip of the Day: PLANS - DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM.  The best way to avoid the grazing that takes you well over your calorie requirements is to plan out your entire day ahead of time.  Be a conscious eater.  If you plan out your day ahead of time you can avoid the pitfalls of last minute changes that amount to extra calories and fat.  With a little planning, you can leave room for a sweet treat or even visit that favorite hot spot.  Pretty soon you'll get really good juggling your eating habits that hardly anything will set you off track.  With the holidays well on their way, this could even help you avoid the pitfalls of parties and get-togethers.  Have a plan and you can face all these former deal breakers with confidence.

 

Calories: 2052
Fat: 19%
Sat. Fat: 5%
Fiber: 33g
Calcium: 1564mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: rode stationary bike 30 mins

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I can trust in myself enough to choose the things that work for me.   

Where For Art Thou, Motivation?

I almost didn't ride the exercise bike today.  It started like it always does, I think that I need to do something and then little by little I talk myself out of it.

"Gee.  I need to ride the bike.  If I do it early, I can get it out of the way."

"Yeah, but it's noon.  How early is that?  Plus you just ate.  Put it off.  You have all day."

three hours later...

"Gee.  I really need to ride the bike.  I can afford a half hour before I get work done."

"Yeah but look at you.  You're fighting off the flu.  No one will beat you up if you don't ride the bike one day."

thirty minutes later, during Song One.

"I can do this.  I've done it before, I'll do it again.  Just get it done and over with."

"Yeah but think about your aching muscles.  Feel that pain in your legs?  It's not going to get any better."

ten minutes later...

"A third of the way done.  This isn't so bad..."

"Come on.  Who are you fooling?  This hurts.  And what about that stitch in your side?  Blow it off after fifteen minutes.  You can always do fifteen more minutes at the end of the day."

ten minutes later...

"Hey... I just realized... I can hold onto these side bars with my hands on the under sides.  When I first started I could barely reach the side bars at all.  This feels cool.  This is what I'm doing this for."

"Yeah... you know you're right.  That is kinda cool.  Forget what I said, kiddo.  You're doing great."

 

I keep waiting for motivation to come.  If I lose weight I'll get motivated.  If I lose inches I'll get motivated.  Meanwhile I sit around making excuses and put off both, which keeps me in this endless and frustrating cycle. 

So we're going to try something new.  We're going to "fake it till we make it."  Then, in a few weeks when I see the weight loss and lose those inches, the motivation will be real.  Until then, I'm going to have to pluck it out of the blue sky. 

 

An update on Jeremiah's situation.  Like I said the school system refuses to take any responsibility, however the principal of his school has now taken weights off of the PE curriculum.  I consider this a good thing.  And that they're going to let Jeremiah sit on the sidelines until I decide to let him participate again without it affecting his grade - even better.

 

Songs to PUMP you UP

It was a Classic Rock n Roll day today.  I needed all the help those driving beats could give me.

ROCK ME TONIGHT - Billy Squier
BETTY LOU'S GETTIN OUT TONIGHT - Bob Seger
YOU MAKE LOVIN FUN - Fleetwood Mac
AMERICAN WOMAN - The Guess Who
DON'T FIGHT IT - Kenny Loggins & Steve Perry
MY SHARONA - The Knack
SWEET HOME ALABAMA - Lynyrd Skynyrd
BLACK MAGIC WOMAN - Santana

 

Tip of the Day - DEVELOP A YEARN TO BURN.  You know it.  I know it.  There's no getting around it.  If we want substantial and life long exercise we have to attack both sides of the weight loss equation with equal fervor.  They say the best kinds of exercise is to do something you enjoy doing for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week.  Walking is best, but weight training actually develops muscle which in turn burns more fat.  Develop a balancing act between cardiovascular and weight training for the best results.

 

Stats:

Calories: 1952
Fat: 23%
Sat. Fat: 6%
Fiber: 35g
Calcium: 1247mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: 30 mins stationary bike

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I need to believe in myself the way I believe in others.  The real motivation comes from the internal coach.

DIET. A Four Letter Word

Anyone out there old enough to remember Richard Simmons and his reluctance to use the word "diet" in regards to weight loss because the first three letters spelled "die"? 

The more I think about it the more I realize that it's true.  Most fad diets are very dangerous because they aren't balanced. 

Show of hands who have done the Cabbage Soup Diet.  I did it a total of two weeks.  After that I was never able to look another cabbage in the face.  Just the smell would drive me from the house.  No one should ever eat that much cabbage.  Ever.

What about those shake substitutes?  How's that for teaching a person how to eat better?  And don't even get me started on the low carb diet craze.  I'm not a fan.  I think it's dangerous - eating that much fat is just not healthy for you.  Carbohydrates are an important part of your nutritional needs, to cut them off and live off of proteins can be (and is) dangerous to your kidneys and your heart. 

People are overweight because we eat too much of the wrong thing.  Period.  We need to learn how to balance it out.  It's not about eating nothing for breakfast, a carrot stick for lunch and then a lettuce leaf for dinner.  Is it any wonder why these restrictive diets fail??  Who can live like that?

Especially overweight people who love food.  I dunno bout you but I do LOVE food.  I enjoy it.  It's my drug of choice.  And I'm just supposed to quit that cold turkey?  Heck, hook me up to the morphine drip.

So I'm officially declaring this journal as a "diet free" zone.  I lost my mind a little bit a few weeks ago when I tried that Lindora plan because I was so desperate I was willing to listen to those bugs in our ears that make huge promises on us losing weight fast.

You see them all the time on commercials - buy this contraption or that, try this pill or that, go on this program and you'll finally be able to live life like you want to.

All to sell us something.  I'm tired of it.  Aren't you??

So I say no more.  When someone asks me when a diet pill is worth $150 I'm going to say NEVER. 

The only thing that is worth $150 is that new wardrobe I'm going to need when I get down to goal weight - losing weight the old fashioned way.  I'm going to eat right and exercise.

Back to the kitchen we go for another example of how to eat better.  We're going to have breakfast today because so many people do not eat breakfast in hopes to shave calories off of their daily intake.  What happens instead is that you don't get your metabolism revved up and by the time you do eat you're so hungry you binge.

Sunday I didn't feel good and Steven was nice enough to make me breakfast in bed.  Here's what I had:

1 serving Hormel Canadian Bacon           70 calories 3 grams of fat
1 serving Egg Beaters w/ ff cheese           61 calories 0 grams of fat
1 serving microwave pancakes               210 calories 4 grams of fat
2 tablespoons dietetic syrup                      12 calories 0 grams of fat
================================================
                                                             353 calories 7 grams of fat

As opposed to

A McDonald's Big Breakfast  730 calories and 46 grams of fat

You can eat well.  You can enjoy food.  You do not have to diet.  Instead, remember you are changing your lifestyle to make healthier choices for the sake of your body.  For the sake of your life. 

And that's what this is - a commitment for life.

Tip of the Day: JUST SAY NO TO ALCOHOL.  Alcohol can throw your weight loss efforts in reverse.  Your liver metabolises fat, and it can't do that when it's processing the alcohol.  Not to mention it's a high calorie hobby.  Especially those mixed drinks that taste so good.  All that fruit juice and sugar will end up somewhere.  Not to mention drinking lowers inhibitions - and no compulsive eater needs that.   

Songs to PUMP you UP:

It was a current pop/dance hit day today.  Put them on and turn em up. 

MUSICOLOGY - Prince
FAMILY AFFAIR - Mary J. Blige
INTUITON - Jewel
BABY BOY - Beyonce
HEY MAMA - Black Eyed Peas
FREAKIN YOU BABY - The Jungle Brothers
DAYS GO BY - Dirty Vegas

Stats:

Calories: 1950
Fat: 19%
Sat. Fat: 5%
Fiber: 34g
Calcium: 1365mg
Water: 48oz
Exercise: 30 minutes stationary bike, walked 1 mile at park

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I deserve to take good care of myself.

A HUGE Milestone. HUGE.

Needless to say the journal has a new look.  What inspired it was I wanted to include fireworks around my stats because I'm trying to focus on my accomplishments, rather than wait for affirmation after I reach goal.  The firework gif had a black background so I played around with the colors.  I ended up going black on purple.  I think the black makes me look thinner.  What do you think?  LOL

I know this can be hard to read so if you'd like me to send you an email of the entry without the black and purple just let me know.

But this newfound need to celebrate how far I've come inspired today's entry.

I did something yesterday I never would have done a year ago.  I found out that Journey is getting their star on the Walk of Fame on January 21, 2005.  This is a day before Steve Perry's birthday, so this makes me wonder if he's going to be there to share the honor.  He should be, because without Steve Perry Journey never would have catapaulted to the success it was able to enjoy in the early 80s. 

Remember what I said yesterday about winning that auction for that Tshirt, and my goal to have all the guys sign it.  I started to think of all the ways I could make a trip out there to LA to see them get their star and possibly get this Tshirt signed.

Naturally I'm not going to be 145lbs by January.  The way things have been going, I have no guarantees I'll be any smaller than where I'm at right now.  Considering I never wanted to meet Steve Perry until I was goal weight (it would have killed me if he treated me like a lot of men do - invisible or with disgust - after all the years I've spent obsessed with the man), but I figured things happen for a reason.  Since I don't believe in coincidences, what does this mean?

So I wrote Ellen Degeneres a letter.  She's got a great new daytime talk show and she's very fan friendly.  So fan friendly that she has a segment on her show, "Yes You Can!" where fans can write in their dreams and she'll do what she can to make them come true.

I decided that even though I'm not at goal weight, I've done something exceptional anyway and if she can make this happen, this is how and when it's supposed to happen.  I told her I had gone from 350 to 280 in a year, and size 34 to size 24 in a year,and that I recently purchased a Tshirt from my favorite rock group Journey to inspire me the rest of the way.  I told her that they were going to be in LA to get their star and I would love for her to book them on her show so they could sign the shirt and I could meet them (Steve Perry especially). 

I never would have done this a year ago.  This is directly related to my insistance on perfection.  But because I'm trying to break that unrealistic expectation and start living my affirmations instead of just saying it, I'm going to take a huge step in faith.  It's okay for me to be celebrated without having to make it all the way togoal weight.  I don't have to be perfect to be valued.  I am worthy just as I am. 

Of course I say that but the thought of meeting Steve Perry looking like I do makes me a bit nauseated.  I want to run out and go into debt to my ears to straighten my teeth, I want to exercise 12 hours a day to lose all my weight in 3 months.  It's taking a lot of self control to beat down the Chatterbox that tells me I have to look perfect in order to even go on a TV show.

All those things are ridiculous.  It took a great deal of bravery to put my photo on a public journal that goes out across the vast reaches of cyber space, but I did it.  And the result:  99.9% positive.  Only two people have made disparaging comments.  I can't even count how many people have been supportive, and how some people even continue to aspire ME by the brave steps they take because I did it first. 

Should Ellen call me and invite me on her show I'm going to go and I'm going to be proud of what I've done and who I am.  I may even dance.  I'm not 100% sold on that idea but, baby steps, ladies and gentlemen... baby steps.

I have to say just going on her show would be totally cool.  I love Ellen and I admire the way she was able to keep going to pursue her dreams.  I've been so excited that her show has received critical acclaim.  Best of all she does what she loves and there's just nothing in the world better than that.

I guess this huge step of faith and courage took it outta me because I woke up feeling flu-ish.  It's going around, my best friend had it, my son has been fighting it off and now it's trying to get a hold of me.  So I slept in and I'm trying to fend it off as best I can.  Today is a total rest day.  I have some work to do but nothing dire.  I'll be taking baby steps there too. 

A hot bath for the achies may be in order.  Nyquil take me away.

Tip of the Day:  AN OUNCE OF PREPARATION... Why did the dieter overeat at the dinnertable?  Because it was there. 

Never make more than what you should eat.  Learn serving sizes and commit to them.  If necessarily, serve up the food into individual plates before dinner rather than serving dinner family style on the table.  One of the biggest problems in our country isn't necessarily what we're eating, but how much.  From super sizing fast food orders to Big Gulps (a whopping 800 calories for a 64 oz soda), we consume much more than we need to.  So stop that overeater in its tracks, only prepare enough for your family to get exactly one serving.  You'll be surprised that you can be satisfied without being stuffed.

Daily Stats

Calories: 1961
Fat: 25%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Fiber: 29g
Calcium: 1406mg
Water: 72oz
Exercise: FREE DAY

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Every step in the right direction deserves celebration: it took courage to start and it takes stength to continue.  Value of self is evident through each step of the journey.