Monday, July 12, 2004

What Love Means

This one is for you, Sarah. 

As a woman who has been overweight all of my adult life, I've heard a lot of things from men to get what they wanted, but inevitably they couldn't get past the weight enough to love me the way I needed to be loved.

They tried, God bless em, but in the end I don't feel these men truly appreciated what love truly is.

Love isn't about physical appearance.  That's attraction.  Is it necessary for true love?  For the long haul yes.  But I truly believe that the longer you love someone, the more beautiful they grow.  When you look through the eyes of love, you don't see people as a sum of their total parts, you see what you've grown to love.  You see the good heart, the sense of humor, the beautiful way someone smiles when they are truly happy. 

I have to say this, if anyone of you out there has a spouse or significant other pressuring you to lose weight so they can be better attracted to you - I would seriously question their love.  It's conditional.  And conditional love is almost always a precursor for heartbreak.

When someone truly loves you they love you for who you are, not what you look like.  And if they can't get past the extra pounds, that's their problem and not yours.  That's a superficial definition of love and you don't need it.  Pat them on their back and send them on their way - God has a better plan for you.

Because conditional love is not God's love.  God loves everyone, fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, short or tall, black or white - everyone.  A true "Christian" would see you through the eyes of God and love you for being beautiful without ever having to drop a pound.  We are all made in God's image, we are all touched with God's love and therefore we are all beautiful without having to do one thing to our physical appearance.  I'm not losing this weight so someone will love me, or to be attractive.  I started this journey because I didn't want to leave my kids orphaned by dying prematurely.  Being fat is killing me, it's slow suicide.  My decision to lose weight has now become my desperate attempt to love myself before it's too late. 

I'm not saying it won't hurt to lose those relationships, but put it in perspective.  If you're losing weight to keep someone, what happens as the years go by and you age?  Are they then going to leave you for someone else because you're older than they like?

If they can't love you as is, they can't love you.  Period.

Never, ever accept anything less than unconditional love.  That's what God has demonstrated to us and that's what we all should ultimately strive for.  I've always said I was glad I found Steven while overweight.  If something were to happen and we were no longer together, and I found someone AFTER the weight was lost, I would always question the validity of their love for me.  Is it because I'm thin and attractive?  Or is it because of all the things that time will not change, my heart, my soul, my true nature?

And if you want unconditional love you have to first demonstrate it to yourself.  You have to love yourself enough to say, "Love me as is or get lost".  Don't tolerate that form of abuse, that underlying message that you are not good enough to love just because you're carrying some extra pounds.  That's bullsh*t.  Profanity intended, because to me that's how offensive it is.  The minute a man hints that this is his way of thinking, my opinion of him takes a nosedive.  Because this is superficial and stupid. 

I understand that men are made up differently than women, and they depend on what they see more than what they feel.  But I want someone who has evolved past their human nature into a God nature, that sees value and beauty in everyone, not just some size 6 young thing that gets his motor running.

If someone cannot see my value because they can't get past the weight, it's their loss.  I don't need that, and neither does anyone else. 

So start practicing God's way of loving toward yourself.  Understand that you are special and worth loving without ever losing one ounce. 

This is how God loves us, and how God wants us to love, taken from 1 Corinthians 13.

3If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

4Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
5Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8Love never dies.

Not one word in there about love needing to be sexually attracted.  No, that's man's skewing the true meaning of love by mingling it with lust. 

You don't need it, count your blessings and move on.  Love yourself first, and the right person will follow. 



journey2sarah said...


I am so dead today from it.  I mean it is like I died.  The other day if I could have taken poison and not feared hell I would have wanted to do it.  I have felt him slipping away.  Now I know.  I honestly think he has hit a nerve because I myself hate being imprisoned in this fat.  And it comes off so damn slowly.  And it is so stressful to watch everything--I am sick to death of being so damn knowledgeable about food contents--WTF should I have to care about this???  Society has set up an obstacle course for us with the way it adds unhealthy stuff to just about everything.  We are virtually all of us fat anymore.  But he is not and his daughters and his ex-wife are not.  Never in my past dating have I ever felt so strangely.  I am so angry with myself for breaking my own rules and seeing someone who wasn't together enough.  I made this one exception.  Now, I am trying to get it together so just pray for me.  I am lost.  It will take some time.  I really felt the Lord brought us together and he was perfect for me (besides I AM LOSING WEIGHT--). Why wasn't that good enough?  He says he is confused which only makes it worse because I am bleeding to death slowly all this time from my wounds.  I suppose I need to get away from him.  He is killing me.  I wondered if I would have a heart attack on my way into work and started thinking even, I did not put my new medical cards in my wallet, if I should just collapse in this car driving. ($600 pay deduction for this &@#$ and I can't even carry the cards!)

Thank you--when I am feeling more receptive I shall review you words.  You speak with force on this subject and I needed to hear it.

Love, S

sjburgess51 said...

Sarah Said ....<<<<He says he is confused which only makes it worse because I am bleeding to death slowly all this time from my wounds. >>>>
 Sarah,  This is a line all men use when trying to get out of a relationship.  It hurts but let this loser go. You need to, as a bystander I could see some of the things he said to you were inappropriate.  You are too good for him, just remember that.