Recently my eating habits have been scrutinized for not being as optimal as they need to be for health reasons. I have to confess I'm feeling pretty beat up about it too. The thing that has made the difference between this weight loss endeavor and any of the other unsuccessful "diets" I've chosen is that I've lasted nearly 10 months eating this way, I've lost over 60lbs eating this way, I've lost 48" and nearly 10 dress sizes eating this way.
And by "eating this way" I mean by eating smarter, but no depriving myself the things I enjoy. The only diets that I have ever failed at, were the diets that said I could never have X, Y and Z again. Deprivation is a HUGE issue with me. I think I'll use today's entry to let you into my psyche a bit and let you see how big exactly it is.
Right after my 11th birthday my dad got sick, went into the hospital and several weeks later died. This was a defining moment in my life. My dad was my whole world - the one I loved more than anyone and the one I thought loved me more than anyone. My family consisted of my mother, my sister, my dad and I. My sister had married and by this time had three of her four children. She and I couldn't stand each other, she felt I was a spoiled little brat that got everything I wanted (I was) and I felt like she was overly sensitive, jealous and mean (which she was). My mom resented me because of issues I never quite understood until many years later, and the fact my dad put me on a pedestal way above even her caused me to be a constant sore in her side.
Meanwhile, I'm an 11 year old kid who is going to cling to the person who most loves me, and that was my dad. I was already overweight (due to being sexually molested when I was 4), but I never ever felt bad about myself because my dad filled this hole. I was the happiest, most confident kid on the planet just because I had my dad's love. All of it.
When he died in 1980, that hole was ripped open. There was nothing that would fill it. There was no getting close to my militant mother, who was relieved to get out of the relationship with my dad because it was abusive and unhealthy. All she could do was speak badly about the person I loved most in the world, and that cut me very deep in a very raw wound. And there was absolutely no getting close to my sister either, who was also happy my dad had died. There were issues there I also would not understand until much later.
All I knew was that I was alone, unhappy and empty. Food became my solace. To be honest, everything pleasurable became my solace. I began to stuff that hole with everything that made me feel good - which lead to my addictive behavior. It was only many years later when I got into therapy that I realized how much the obestity was a result of that behavior. Stuffing down to fill the ultimate deprivation of my life.
So the trigger now to self destructive behavior is when that deprivation issue is brought back into play. It's the reason the South Beach diet failed, because I was depriving myself what I dearly love and not seeing results. So why deprive myself? Then I go full on binging on the food that I love. Which, interestingly enough, was the reason for the Taco Bell downfall in the last week. I stopped eating Taco Bell for a long time due to the sodium issue, when I decided to forego that particular issue I went hog wild on the food I had been <key word here> deprived of.
This means my eating plan HAS to include "bad" foods. The fact that I can lose weight and still eat things like Whataburger, or Krispy Kremes, or whatever, is - to my mind - a great success. The reason so many diets fail is because people do not want to say no forever to the foods they enjoy. And if they don't have to, then why should they?
Sure it would be healthier to ditch it altogether, I just don't feel (using my own life as an example) it's all that realistic. There are several factors that come into play, money still remains one despite the argument otherwise. And the fact I've stated openly that I have no qualms about putting that argument to the test to try and eat healthier just makes me feel more beat up when my past diet is used as an example of how much denial I am in (aka lying to myself).
I just feel it's an unfair assessment. The fact of the matter is I have made GREAT strides to eat healthier, I've changed my body drastically and even though I eat things I enjoy that may not be "real" foods, I don't eat like I used to. I stopped drinking sodas like water, I've gotten rid of a lot of high fat stuff that I can't eat anymore anyway due to gallbladder trouble. I'm really happy with the progress I've made, even though the weight loss has stagnated - and even that is indicative of the progress I'm making changing my body composition from fat to muscle.
I'm doing okay. On an eating plan that anyone anywhere could follow faithfully. I don't like feeling "beat up" considering the progress I've made. I know that I could change some things, but again, I've openly stated I'm willing to make those changes.
I guess I just need to ask some patience as I find my own way. Because that is crucial to my success. The minute I start feeling inadequate, ADDED to the deprivation, spells trouble for me.
Considering that the flu hit Steven much, much harder than it hit me also shows me I am not doing too badly on meeting my nutrients as well.
I'm okay. Just trust me a little.
DAILY AFFIRMATION: I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I'm okay and I'm on my way.
Calories: 1821 / 18% fat
Exercise: Walked 1 mile
RED means I didn't meet goal