Saturday Weigh In

The scale didn't show any additional loss, but it doesn't show any gain either so we're holding steady at 279.  I did, however, lose 2 inches this week, thanks to getting my tushy back out on the walking path. 

I loaded up on canned soups over the week to give me no fuss no muss meals, and even though I didn't go over my calorie requirements I did end up putting white potatoes and white rice back into the diet, which might attribute to the weight loss stagnation.  Sugar, however, is still out - despite my low blood sugar attacks all week.

From nausea to emotional outbursts and turbo charged PMS, my body has now recognized it is going without sugar and letting me know it isn't too happy about it.  When we went to the mall for weigh in I resisted mighty temptation in the form of lemonade and the cookie store.  I broke out into uncontrollable sweating and we ended up stopping by the Chocolate Box because they said they had sugar free fudge and I could stand the temptation no longer.  Ended up getting a bottle of grape juice and a sugar free chocolate bar that was either really really good or my body has now adapted to being sugar free it doesn't notice the artificial stuff anymore.

The emotional aspect of it is the worst.  I had such a meltdown yesterday.  They aren't frequent, thank God, but I do have my mental moments.  According to the books I have on hypoglycemia, it's related to the low blood sugar - and I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  It's good to know what causes it, but to know that it's probably going to be a life long affliction isn't so comforting.

I mean, I really feel crazy when I have these episodes.  I know I'm a pretty sane person and I am fairly level headed, but those particular episodes have me questioning everything.  And I hate it.

But like I said, fortunately these episodes aren't a frequent occurance.  Maybe once or twice a year.  Hopefully getting the diet under control will help a great deal.  I think my body is just in shock that things have changed so drastically. 

I had a total comfort food moment the other day.  I had some chicken I needed to cook and so I finally relented and made chicken and dumplins even though it falls under the "white" catagory.  Anyway one bite was all it took, this favorite dish from when I was a kid really hit an emotional spot.  Probably because I've had so much trouble with my health lately, and it really did comfort me.

Old habits die hard.

In two weeks we'll find out if these old habits really are dead or will rear their ugly head in the city of Excess.  I went to VegasResource.com and got tons of useful coupons to keep expenses way down, and let's just say there are a bunch of buffets in my future.  Will I be able to withstand the temptation?  Will I be able to keep that internal gauge turned on? 

Will I be able to resist the free alcohol?

Will I walk everywhere and dare to darken the hotel's gym?

Will I be able to resist spending and gambling to make up for the sobriety and dieting?

We'll know in 15 days...

 

The Value of Self

One of the biggest roadblocks I have had to overcome in this journey is my own self esteem.  I used to begin weight loss regimens by just being so disgusted with my weight I had to do something about it.  I began to hate the fat with a passion - needing something that strong in order to jumpstart my goals.

The problem was, eventually that hate turned on me and ended up putting me right back on the path of destruction.  When the plateaus came and I couldn't lose that fat I detested so much, my own self loathing would eat me up and I would implode.

I had to finally come to terms with the fact I am not a fat person.  I am a person who is fat.  Fat is not my identity - it doesn't define me.  I define me.  My heart, my compassion, my passion, my intellect, my creativity - these are the things that define me.  They change not at all whether I'm 100 lbs or 500 lbs.

In our society women are judged by how they look and men are judged by what they make.  If women are unnattractive by society's standards, or men are unsuccessful by society's standards, there's an unspoken undercurrent that they are substandard.  We buy into this ideology whenever we perpetrate this myth onto our children by accepting this as truth. 

Women who constantly go on and on about how fat they are are teaching their daughters that they are somehow inferior to their thinner counterparts.  We teach the girls of tomorrow their value comes from their dress size.  We teach young women that if they are overweight, they aren't worth love.  We accept this drivel and internalize it - spewing this venom onto others out of our own self loathing souls just by accepting it as our own personal truth.

I thought I had this conquered until Steven's indiscretion in February.  Then I realized I only had an artificial self esteem that came from knowing I had to be worth loving because someone else was loving me.  Once that love was questioned, my self esteem sank and my self destruction returned.  The minute I allowed myself to question if I was worth love just because I'm morbidly obese - I was buying into society's lie that as a woman I'm only worth a damn if I can look pretty.

What a superficial and destructive view of love this is.  This isn't the love of God's example - this is lust of man's example.  I let men judge me so badly I'm afraid to be myself in any forum that men dominate - including the screenwriting world.  I keep thinking if I just lose the weight then I'll have the physical attractiveness needed to survive in that world.  This is fueled by years of hearing things like, "You're so pretty in the face."  "If you just lost weight you'd be a knockout."  "Don't you want to attract a man?"

Not once was my weight addressed as a health issue.  Not once was I told I had value enough to take care of myself and my health to live a long and happy life.  Not once was I told that if someone couldn't love me because of how I looked on the outside, they weren't worth a damn on the inside.  No - I instead bought into the whole degrading myth that I was an unworthy, subhuman who only deserved to be used.

The reason this journey has lasted as long as it has is because I had to separate my identity from my dress size.  I had to recognize I have value even if I'm not at my goal weight.   I had to realize that I had to love myself as is, to get to where I wanted to be. 

I've watched other people on the same journey who had such low self esteems (demonstrated by how they talked about themselves - calling themselves big fat cows, etc) fall by the wayside, giving into the comfort that comes from depending on the love of food.  The reason being you cannot be that abusive to yourself and then do what is necessary to nurture yourself.  Most people wouldn't call another human being half the ugly things they call themselves when berating themselves for falling short of physical perfection.  I watched my own sister swing from one end of the spectrum of being anorexic to being overweight because her value was so wrapped up in being thin - so other people could fill the gap of self esteem that she could not.  A lot of women all over this nation are starving themselves so that other people whose opinion should not even count can bear to look at them. 

We, as women, need to stand up and refuse this terrible destructive myth that is killing us and destroying our lives and our happiness.  We need to recognize the value we have just by being who we are and stand up for that value in the face of anyone - including ourselves - who seek to diminish us due to physical imperfection.

No one is perfect, no size is perfect, no woman is unworthy of love just based on the shell her soul needs to house it. 

Reject the vanity of a superficial and unforgiving society.  If you live to please others, you're always going to fall pathetically short.

Love who you are now, and that will pave the road to who you want to be.

 

Baby Steps

Well, I did it.  I finally got some exercise in.   We went to the park (much to Winston's estatic - if not incredulous - glee), and we took in the short route.  I took it slow, especially when my hip starting twinging about a third of the way through, but I made it the entire distance. 

I had to do something.  I got tired of just sitting here doing nothing.  I hate stagnation worse than anything.  Yes, I mistake motion sometimes for progress, but standing still and waiting for things to happen just doesn't work with me.  I like to make things happen.  It's the control freak in me.

The scale has been all over the place in the last week, down a pound, up a few pounds, and back down again.  I just know if I keep focused I can keep this in forward motion.  If last week's weight loss was water weight, then I'm going to do my best to make it weight weight.  I have a goal and I'm going to get there. 

Nothing is going to stop me.  Not even a bad back.

 

The Dog Days of Summer...

Or at least the Sick as a Dog Days of Summer.

I woke up today with my back all in knots again.  Ugh. 

Then I dealt with the kids all day.  Double Ugh.  Is it time for school YET?

I don't even want to come on the journal anymore because I feel like all I do is whine. 

I didn't weigh in this morning for obvious reasons.  I'm switching back to Saturday weigh ins because once Steven starts his new job in a couple of weeks that will be his day off.  I'm really looking forward to his having steady days off.  Poor thing is working two weeks straight to give that other chick her vacation time.  

Even though exercise has been put on indefinite hold, I'm definitely keeping food goals, even the sugar free ones.  Which surprises me, because I'm definitely in "baby me" entitlement mode and that's when I tend to go off the wagon and binge until I can't binge no more. 

It just goes to show that this is all a change for a lifetime, not just to lose the weight.  I miss it sometimes, I won't lie, but I find enough substitutes now that it really does take the edge off. 

I even found a diet soda I can have.  IBC's Diet Root Beer.  Could it be I'm actually getting a taste for the sugar free stuff?  Whoda thunk it?

Meanwhile I'm going to go feast on my wheat macaroni with low carb cheese sauce. 

 

The Month from Hell Continues...

I entered the Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship again this year, my third in a row.  I sent them My Immortal and Comic Squad back in May and have been waiting patiently to find out if I made it to the quarter finals.  It's a big contest, this is an Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences contest - and if you place in this people come to you, none of this beating down doors to try and beg people to read your meager offerings.

And for the third year in a row I got a really nicely explained, cordial "thanks but no thanks" rejection.  I psyched myself up for this months ago that whatever happens happens and I'm not going to get sidelined again by not placing in this contest.  But here I am thinking if I can't make the cut out of 6000 scripts, how do I figure I'm going to make any kind of splash amidst the Hollywood slush pile that numbers many times as much? 

Some people even get a nice handwritten note at the bottom that they "barely" missed the cut - not me.  No nice note, just the standard rejection.  It cuts to the quick, no matter how much I tell myself it doesn't matter.  I think I'm just vulnerable right now, this month has royally sucked shoelaces.

I mentioned not too long ago that I have a strategy, and I do.  I've got my eye on a script coverage service that, if I get a consider or recommend, they pass on to people looking to buy scripts.  It's pricey, but with as much as I've spent on contests over these last few years it's comparable.

The Austin Film Festival contest is still out there and I entered a contest for John Carpenter (Halloween, the Thing) to direct his next picture.  I missed Disney's contest, though. 

So it's not the end of the world that I got passed over by the Academy contest that is the Crown Jewel of all amateur screenwriting competitions.

Do you believe me?

I don't.  :(

<sigh>

An Update

My back pain has finally started to subside and I can actually sit in a chair for more than ten minutes at a time.  This, I think, is progress.  I'm still taking it easy because I sure don't want a repeat of what happened on Friday.  But at least now I think I can get some work done, which is a good thing.  With school starting and Steven and I wanting to get away for our anniversary, I need the $$$.

Steven got a new job which will put him on a normal schedule (M-F, 9-5) with holidays and great benefits.  This is really good news.  It's a little bit less money (maybe a quarter an hour) but with what we will end up saving on insuring the family (full medical/dental) more than makes up for it.  Plus it saves strain on him.  Working at the hotel he was working 3 days 3-11 and then 2 days 11-7 (graveyards).  With his funky sleeping schedule it's no wonder he got so sick at the beginning of the month.  Plus his coworker that he's supposed to be the "relief" person for is very unpredictable.  She got into the habit of taking one day off a month, around the 15th, by calling in sick.  Invariably Steven would end up having to work a double.

Now she's on vacation, which screws up our plans to go to the Southwest Believers Convention even though he asked for the time off months ago (she asked first apparently).  He was supposed to get tomorrow off before working two weeks straight, but she decided she needed just one more day.  So he gets the shaft, again.  She also took off every holiday, which meant he always had to work it.  And yet she gave him a hard time because she happened to find out how much he made (which was more than she makes) and she didn't think it was fair.

I don't understand the work ethic of some people.  I can understand if the situation were reversed, and Steven were taking advantage of her, causing her to work doubles or taking every holiday off and forcing her to work - but that's not the case.   I remember one instance where I felt I was being taken advantage of at my old job (the one with the boss).  I had worked for her as she built her company, training every position, knowing each and every facet of what needed to be done.  She ended up making the new girl the Office Manager at more money and telling me it was because she had a Masters Degree. 

This same girl who would take hour + lunches and put off doing what needed to be done to the very last minute that it took several other people off their duties in order to get the task done.  I grew resentful and my old boss thought I was just jealous <RME>.  When I told her what problems I had with it and she claimed it was due to this other girl's degree, I told her okay, I'm going to go to part time status so that I can go to college and get my degree then.  That's when my boss told me that it was a waste of time and that she didn't even use her own college degree - essentially talking me out of it.  And I was so co-dependent to her abusive behavior that I bought it.  Color me stupid.

But those days are over now.  I finally got my ID so as soon as I get transportation I'm going to sign up for college anyway.  Whether I use it or not is not the issue anymore.  I have always regretted that I didn't go to college - possibly the only thing I have ever regretted - and now I have the opportunity to do something about it.  It may not be until January, but I'm not going to just pass the opportunity by. 

Steven's new job posed an interesting dilemma on our upcoming trip too.  As you all probably know I've been planning an anniversary getaway to Las Vegas in August.  It was supposed to coincide with my 100lb loss mark, but unfortunately I haven't had the most ideal few months and I'm a bit behind.  Anyway we were going to fly, but then realized that's a bit too expensive.  We still have to buy the kids school clothes and stuff, so we are going to have to be thrifty travelers.  We decided to take the Greyhound, which cut the price almost in half.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Steven's new job wouldn't allow him to take that many days off just starting.  What they did agree to is three days, which means we're going to bus out there and fly back.  I'm a little nervous about flying.  First of all I'm not all that crazy about it, second of all the last time I flew I needed a seat belt extender - and I don't want to run into the problem of having to pay the second seat.

We're flying Continental rather than Southwest (which is what we always flew), so I'm not sure exactly how their seats are set up.  I do know that I've lost more than 11" around my fattest part (the dreaded Girth), and the seat belt extender in SWA was only short by about 4 - 5 inches.  So I *hope* that is enough to where I can fit comfortably in the seat and not need an extender to buckle up.  I'm trying to figure out how I can fly SWA anyway.  It's cheaper by about $10-15 per person, but it only flies into Lubbock or Amarillo.  The Continental flight takes us from Vegas to Abilene, but flies all the way to Houston to connect.  They also have flights that connect in Tennessee and in Cleveland.  Please don't ask me to explain that, because it boggles my mind.

Anyway the trip poses several interesting dilemmas.  How to eat sugar free when I'm eating out all the time is one.  I have ordered a bunch of coupon books to help offset the prices, and there are a lot of buffets in my future (2 for 1 baybee).  Fortunately, I think I can manage it considering I know what I need to eat servings wise.  And a lot of places do have sugar free alternatives for their diabetic customers.  It will be quite the challenge. 

As you can see I've been doing a lot of thinking while prone LOL  The body quit working but the mind, she never will.

Goals wise I have been keeping my dietary goals no problem.  On Friday I actually ate too little (coming in under 1000 calories) and I paid a heavy hypoglycemic price on Saturday morning.  My body now is trained to eat several small meals spaced evenly apart, if I go for too long without food my blood sugar drops and lets me know it. 

Exercise wise I just don't know what to tell you.  My sciatic nerve is the one affected by this episode, so walking has to be done in moderation.  That hip/leg connection is where I get the most of my trouble.  I'll see how the week progresses and if I feel up to it I will start baby steps just to get some activity in. 

I think I'm finally on the mend.

Hallelujah!

What an Interesting Day...

Today drew into sharp focus the finer processes of aging.  To sum it up - my back went out.

I was in the kitchen, stooping to clean, and when I stood up all of a sudden a searing pain shot from my hip up to the middle of my back and down my left leg.  I couldn't straighten up for the life of me.  I made my way, hunched over, to the bedroom to cry like a baby and tried to stay completely still.  When I got up to get one of my kids to bring me my emergency stash of heavy pain killers, I literally couldn't walk.  The process of moving the hips was excruciating and I couldn't make it more than five steps. 

Thanks to the pain killer I was able to not suffer too badly and even sleep - but I woke up with tingling and burning on the left side of my hip and down my left leg.  My back is still twinging so I'm not moving about too much.

And coughing?  Fuhgettaboutit.  It used to hurt me in my chest and the upper part of my back.  Earlier today it was sending sharp pain up and down my leg from my hip.

What's the deal, man?  This month has been one bizarre circus of ailments and all I want to do is get well.

Since Steven got a new job with full benefits that start in October, you can guess we're all going to need our medical treatment between now and then. 

Murphy's law in action.

I'm going to take a pill and go back to bed. 

I get the feeling that is where I should have stayed since July 1st.

 

Month #7 Photo Update

I managed to drag to the mall for a weigh in because my home scale read 283, which is the lowest it has ever read.  GNC's official weigh in <drumroll please> 279lbs.  That's right.  Yours truly managed to drop 5lbs this week.  I'd like to blame it on the flu but I've been eating the same as I have always eaten - so this means that you all were right and I was wrong.  It was the sugar that was holding me back.  I'm still sick though so please don't pelt me with "I told you sos" just yet. 

The mind is a tricky thing.  I was standing in the shower this morning thinking of the weight loss and strangely I thought, "And this is still eating whatever I want to."  Isn't that odd?  I'm not still eating the way that I want to, I've made a lot of provisions to cheat the way I used to eat by eating substitutes so it isn't as painful - but I sure don't eat like I used to.  I still have to watch the diet like a hawk, but basically I eat pretty much what I want to when I want to.  There's no blueprint anywhere that says I have to eat xyz at this certain time of the day (those diets exist and I contemplated going on them - like the hypoglycemic diet).  I just maintain my diet by eating regularly, making sure I get a protein on almost every "meal" and keeping my calories and fat under the same guidelines they always were.  And it keeps me so satisfied I don't even miss those other things, especially when I find such comparable substitutes like wheat pasta for regular, and sugary sweet substitutes for my old comfort foods. 

As I wean off the sugar I'm going to step up the vegetables, I know that's still one area of my diet I'm still lacking.  But other than that I'm pleased with the new way I've learned of eating. 

I went on Primatene Mist last night for the wheeziness and breathlessness, thankfully that's helped a whole lot.  Still coughing but they seem to be loosening up now, so that's a very good thing. 

I may even be able to get back on the exercise horse here shortly.  With the way my inches have slowed down to a screeching halt, I know I'm going to have to do something soon.  Right now tho, I'm still babying myself. 

That weigh in today was enough to hold me over for a while. 

If I can maintain this, I won't miss sugar at all.

 

Welcome to the Wheezing, Whiny Portion of Our Program...

No photo update today, I've been up all night with my cough, which now has me wheezing.

A trip to the doctor may be looming in my immediate future.

This month has royally sucked. :(

 

The Great Cereal Conundrum

Just got back from HEB to stock up on a few of the items I ran out of, as well as get some distilled water just in case Jeannie is right and my body is detoxing right now.  We'll flush it out one way or the other. 

I get to also enjoy a legal root beer float, which is a lil taste o heaven right about now.  HEB Creamy Sensations No Sugar Added vanilla ice cream and Barqs Old Fashioned Root Beer, Diet.  I can't tell you how much finding no sugar substitutes of all my sweet treats has helped make this transition bearable.  I think one of the reasons a lot of "diets" fail is because people feel like they can't eat like "normal" people.  The trick is finding ways to make it work.

For instance, last night I felt like crapola and I wanted to send Steven out to Taco Bell for some $0.59 tacos.  Instead we made home made tacos for a lot less fat and calories.  It was a little more work, fortunately my 14 year old volunteered to help his sick mama.

The one place I'm having a hard time finding substitutes is in the cold cereal area.  Every morning I eat cold cereal.  For months on end I've been eating shredded wheat and bran accented with ripe bananas.  But now, I can't look Shredded Wheat in the face.  I'm done with that particular phase of my life for the moment and I want a new cereal.  This was a lot easier before the low sugar decision.  I ate Cracklin Oat Bran and Honey & Nut Total, both of which I enjoyed tremendously - both for their taste and for their health benefits.  Now I have to steer clear because the second ingredient in both is sugar.  Their sugar grams ring up at 12 and 9 grams respectively. 

I spent a good ten minutes on this aisle looking for a replacement.  Did you know even corn flakes list the second ingredient as sugar?  All reduced sugar/low carb cereals were over $5 a box (see my rant from before about highway robbery of healthy foods) and to be quite frank, didn't look all that appetizing.  Finally I grabbed a box of Cheerios Multi Grain.  It's not that great, but it's not that bad either.  I'll let you know if the taste was worth it.

It was the only time in the store I felt deprived of choices. 

As for the bronchitis I slept a lot yesterday to try and curb it, I've been guzzling Robitussen and may I just say - ew.  I hate this stuff.  Why expectorants have to be so nasty is beyond me.  It's not as nasty as the Nyquil Cough though, so I guess I can't complain.

Still coughing like crazy, but no fever or anything else.  Even the chest pain has lessened.  I still feel tired and tore up from the floor up, but if I baby myself now I can feel better later.

It'll be nice to feel human again.  I'm looking forward to it.

 

Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire...

Well it appears my worsening cough is the beginning stages of acute bronchitis.  Yay me.   I've had it off and on in my life, so I recognize the cough "aftertaste", and last night I went to bed and slept which was very unusual.  That coupled with chest pain sent me to the computer to test my symptoms and my sudden epiphany this might be the case.  Sure enough: Severe cases may also cause general malaise and chest pain.

I don't  have the wheezing yet, which is good, but I found that you shouldn't take a cough suppressent during acute bronchitis, which I've been guzzling like mad because this cough is way too much for me to take.  Can't sleep, can't work, can't do anything other than cough up a lung.  Now it looks like I have to go back on an expectorant to get the nastiness up.  Good news is I don't think I am in need of an inhaler yet, I've had bronchitis that bad before - generally because I let it go without any medical treatment.

I also read the disheartening news that acute bronchitis lasts about ten days.  This is not good news.  I was hoping to be back into routine by tomorrow.  Now it depends on how I feel - which at the moment is pretty cruddy.  My chest still hurts and I can't take the cough suppressent. 

Yes I'll have some cheese with my whine.  Low fat, please.

Anyhoo.  I'm going to go feel sorry for myself on the couch with my Vicks vaporub and my <making face> Robitussen.

 

Picky Eaters

"You eat what is in front of you or you don't eat anything at all."

"What do I look like, a restaurant?"

"If you don't eat your vegatables, you won't have any dessert."

These are things I've heard and I've said.  I was also raised in a family that you ate what was put in front of you, period.  If you didn't you went hungry.  In that household I grew to like or at least tolerate almost all foods.  Granted they weren't fancy foods.  Granted they had things to make them tolerable.  (Like broccoli covered in cheese)  But my tastes are pretty vast in what I like to eat.  The only things I simply refuse to eat are beets and liver. 

Dan was the same way.  Dan grew up in an even poorer family than me, by people from the hills of West Virginia.  He ate everything except for chicken on the bone, simply because of the blood vein. 

How we produced my oldest son, is a wonder to me.  It started innocently enough.  He was four and by then he was eating everything we were eating.  But somehow, during a trip from Texas to California, he decided he didn't like onions anymore.  You couldn't pay that boy to eat an onion.  We pulled the same measures.  You don't eat it, you don't get anything else.  My mom even made him sit at the table until he ate it.  He proceeded to vomit all over the table.  That was the end of my forcing this kid to eat onions.  He got so manic about it he would stand over our shoulder as we cooked to make sure we didn't put any onions in there.  He is probably the pickiest of my two kids, although Jeremiah has his moments as well.  I just found it a lot more productive to buy the things I know they will eat, as opposed to the mealtime warfare to get them to eat stuff they won't eat if you offered them money.

And I take no blame for Steven at all.  Steven was this picky from birth.  His parents can both tell you stories about the failed meal battles where they tried to make him eat healthy and it just didn't work out.  That I've gotten this red meat and potatoes fanatic to eat and tolerate broccoli is a huge HUGE accomplishment.  So the vegetables I buy, are the ones I know he will eat.  Green beans, corn, carrots, peas and sometimes broccoli.  Sometimes, if I'm sneaky, I can even get a cauliflour floweret down him.  It requires the cunning use of cheese.

Back when Dan was living with us, I could always depend on Dan to make or enjoy the dishes that I loved.  Enchiladas with onions, my casserole with noodles, meat, corn, tomato sauce and olives (everything worked on my family except for the olives), hot stuff, even the potatoes and onions he use to cook so perfectly to go with our pinto beans and ham hocks.  With him I could put onions and corn in the corn bread.  All of these foods have sadly gone by the wayside.  Now I modify the recipes so that my family will eat them.  <sigh>  I know Dan is diggin his potatoes, onions, red beans and pone bread up there in Heaven.

Dan also used to make my salads.  I told you all that I only have time enough in one day to cook one meal, so Dan would do all the chopping and cutting and I ate salads fit for a queen.  Steven did it once, but after the Great Avocado Incident, has shied away from the task since. 

So there you have it - my reason for having such a peculiar shopping list.  They are all going to go low to no sugar too, but so far no complaints.  The wheat spaghetti was a big hit, which is good because spaghetti is a staple in my house.  Now if I could just find a way to cheat the garlic bread...

The chromium is working.  I mean WORKING.  I cleaned my whole house top to bottom last night.  I've actually had the stamina to do these things.  Which is good because my kids no more do chores than they eat foods they don't like.  I've grounded them, I've taken away their privileges - nothing works.  I've offered allowances, I've even done a "buy chore" allowance where they can make as much as they want.  They have chosen zero.  I've noticed tho as I do more, they do more.  So maybe that was just what I needed all along. 

Parenting.  Such the challenge.

I'm hoping on Monday I can get back in the swing of things.  I've switched sleeping schedules again due to the darn flu, and I want to use tomorrow (my figurative day off) to flip flop the schedule.  If I can do that, then Monday it's back to my walks and Pilates.

I'm almost a complete person - a clean house, a clean diet - now I just have to add organized work and exercise.

Wonders never cease.

 

The Luxury of Fast Food

Jeannie presented the issue of how a poor person can eat out if they are on a limited budget.

That brings me to back to my original beef, with food manufacturers throwing the slop to the poor and expecting people who want to make healthy choices pay more.

Most all restaurants these days have "value" menus.  These menus are on par with what you'll spend at a store for just about any meal and could easily and conveniently eat out as opposed to cook in.  Sometimes, it's cheaper.  Big Mac Value Meals are for the rich, we po folk depend on 99 cent stuff.  I can feed my whole family for what I would spend on one of their "healthy" salads - which, btw, aren't all that healthy.  I'll get into that later.  If you go by Taco Bell's new "I'm FULL!" ad campaign, you can finally afford to eat at Taco Bell again.  Back in the day when I was homeless after first moving to LA, Taco Bell was an event.  Their 33 cent tacos were a little piece o' heaven.  Now those tacos cost 89 cents.  Anyway on the Taco Bell value menu you can get a double decker taco, fiesta potatoes, a beef and potato burrito and a caramel apple empanada - it's cheap - but full of fat, sugar and sodium.

So it really is affordable to eat out when you're smack dab in this country's growing poverty level (last I heard that was an annual income of $12,000), but you find the same exact problem you find in the grocery stores.  Again it comes back to serving the crap to the poor just to get their money and forcing people who CAN afford it and choose to eat healthy more money.

I found these articles that support my initial claim:

The Cost of Low Carb May Be Too Expensive For Those Who Need it The Most

Eating healthy, losing weight can be expensive propositions - thetimesherald.c

From one of these articles I realized that my family spends only half of what most 4 person families pay - over $200 a week on groceries.  This doesn't mean I can't afford fresh fruit and veggies - I bought those even when I was buying processed stuff to make up the difference.  It's all the other stuff that make up our food intake where I feel the pinch.  I can have what I want, what I like to eat, without being deprived - as long as I pay through the nose for it.  And that's what makes me hopping mad.

Now back to "healthy" salads.  A lot of people believe just because they get the "healthy" salad they're making better food choices than the hamburger meals.  Let's break it down and look at it.  If you eat a Big Mac, you spend 600 calories, take in 33 grams of fat (11 of which is saturated) and 1050 grams of sodium.  Their Bacon Ranch Chicken Salad is 250 calories and 10 grams of fat with 930 grams of sodium.  Sounds like a better deal doesn't it?  But what about the people who add salad dressing to their salads - which is the majority?  This is where you leave the realm of healthy and enter into comparable eating with the Big Mac.  Newman's Own Ranch Style dressing adds 170 more calories, 15 more grams of fat and 530 more grams of sodium - this is 25 grams of fat (only 8 shy of the Big Mac) and a whopping 1460 grams of sodium.

The sodium on the salad is crazy, but it comes from the chicken - which is what hurts all their grilled chicken salad and sandwich options.  A chicken Whopper at Burger King minus mayo is a very healthy choice calorie wise and fat wise - it's the sodium that will get ya.  It's just as much as if you bought a Lean Cuisine packaged meal, which is a lot cheaper and just as convenient as any fast food. 

So it all comes back to choices - and the choices that are forced on those who cannot afford the $4 Spinach Chicken Salad at Wendys but CAN afford the 99 cent value menu.  Thankfully, Wendys does offer its low fat alternatives (chili, potato, salad) on it's 99 cent value menu. 

So again, it's all about choices - and today's culture does allow for poor people to enjoy the "luxury" of eating out.  Most anyone can "afford" to eat out if you're willing to sacrifice healthy choices.

Considering the state of our economy and the growing number of the lower class in our country, it's a good thing - or else those restaurants would go out of business anyway.

But that's another rant entirely. 

For those who still disagree with my claim, I'm more than willing to be shown differently.  Anyone who wants to accept the challenge and prove me wrong, I'd be open to hear how you do it.  Take $100 to feed a family of four with these dietary considerations - nothing can have refined sugar or enriched bleached flour, no potatoes, no white bread, no white rice.  Also consider Steven doesn't eat fruit or most vegetables.  My kids only eat the following vegetables: broccoli, cauliflour, brussel sprouts, green beans, corn, carrots, peas.  They don't eat salads.  Jeremiah doesn't eat chicken on the bone and I don't eat any tough textured meat.  I don't eat oranges or green apples, but otherwise I'm open to fruit and I require dairy servings like cheese and I only have the time to cook one meal a day.

So knock yourselves out and prove me wrong. 

I'd love to see it.

 

A Weigh In & More Ranting...

I weighed in at 284 and 4 ounces, which is a pound loss since my weigh in on the 12th - this is good news.  Hopefully it'll keep going.  We'll know on the 20th, when I do my monthly photo update (maybe, this month hasn't exactly allowed me to weigh in on my regular intervals). 

I just got in from the store.  I decided to put the whole family on this low sugar lifestyle.  It's way more expensive this way - I have two sons who are virtual black holes that suck down a week's worth of groceries in a couple of days - but I figure if my younger son has the same problem I have (as demonstrated by his chronic headaches, moodiness, lack of concentration, depression, low self esteem, etc), then it can only help him.

Meanwhile our wallets take another beating.  And I have to say, I'm pretty p.o.'d about it too.  Again it comes back to how corporate America rapes the obesity epidemic for its own gain. 

Case in point.  A pound of ground round at 20% fat, is approximately $1 a pound.  A pound of ground round at 4% fat, costs upward about $3 more.  That is a significant difference.  Tampico Juice, filled with sugar, is about $3 for two gallons.  Tropicana Healthy Choice made with Splenda $2.99 for a half gallon.  Popsicle frozen fruit treats were 2 for $3, whereas the cheap frozen sugar water in a plastic tube is $3 for a five pound box.  Kool Aid, 4 or 5 packagees for a buck whereas something like Crystal Lite is over $2 for a canister.  Regular white bread is about $0.60 whereas no sugar added whole grain bread is over $2.  Whole wheat spaghetti, $1.59.  Regular Skinner type pasta, maybe $0.80 or so.  Thank Goodness for Hunts Sugar Free Spaghetti Sauce that only cost me $1.09, the low carb option was over $2.  I don't think I even have to explain the difference between $1 bag of sugar and $5 Splenda or $10 Stevia.

It's like food manufacturers slap the term "low fat", "sugar free", or now "low carb" on their label they can jack up the price by $1 or so more AND GET IT.  And the people who can't afford it, are destined to become a statistic in the obesity epidemic.  

There was an article recently about how studies show that poor and fat go together:

http://www.alternet.org/story/14913

Government programs like WIC allow for free milk, whole cheese, processed cereals, beans, white rice, peanut butter.  People on welfare - the working poor - have to budget their monthly food budget woefully short (I believe when I was on welfare back in 1992 and had a family of 4, we got a budget of $300 for the month in food - that works out to be $75 a week to feed 4 people.  Things like tuna helper or hamburger helper become a staple meal because you have to make your money stretch.  I can't even tell you how many dinners amounted to Jiffy cornbread ($0.33 a box), pinto beans and rice. 

And people wonder why obesity is an epidemic.  <RME>  You have fast food restaurants stuffing you full of fat, salt or sugar and calling it a "value".  You have food manufacturers attatching themselves to the newest diet craze and jacking up their prices to feed into the craze.

Don't EVEN get me started on the diet industry.  It's a multi million dollar booming business that feeds off of the desperation of people who are stuck in the same cycles of yo yo dieting.  The Atkins craze is the latest Claim to Shame.  My mother was recently diagnosed with high cholesterol due to her low carb lifestyle.  That, coupled with my niece's kidney failure means out of my family alone, 2 of the 4 low carb participants were adversely affected.  But everywhere you look there's another Atkins friendly product.   Even Slim Fast has gotten in on the craze.

And let's talk about Slim Fast for a second.  They recently fired Whoopi Goldberg because of her inappropriate comments about President Bush.  Had they never seen her act?  Did they happen to miss her show?  Maybe they blocked from their mind the Black Face Ted Danson Roast incident so many years ago.  Regardless they decided NOW she has gone too far. 

Slim Fast, a company that makes its money by telling people if they replace one or more of their daily meals on a thick, chalky, gritty, NOT chocolate shake tasting concoction that spends 220 calories per serving, they'll lose weight.  Everyone has a product that will "for sure" get you results.  Try this piece of equipment, this pill, this meal supplement, this book and you'll break through that wall that has kept you obese.

Horse puckey.

The only way you're going to lose weight is to get real.  Get real about what you're eating.  Get real about what you're doing.  Get real about why you allow yourself to stay at the weight you're at.  It's emotional, it's spiritual, it's physical - it's the whole package.  And the diet industry doesn't WANT you to put that connection together because their livelihood depends on a fat America.

I'm just so sick of it.  I'm sick of people getting rich while other people are dying.  They're dying.  All these diets aren't the answer.  Education is the answer.  Stop robbing the people that can afford a healthier lifestyle, and throwing all the crap to the people who can't. 

See what happens when you take my sugar away?  No more seratonin euphoria. 

I'll do my best to keep my rants to a minimum.

But I make no promises. 

 

Slow Going in Flusville

Sorry I didn't update, like I said I would, but I slept right through weigh in.  By the time I woke up Steven had already gone to work.

He ended up working a double because his coworker has a chronic "call in sick on the 15th" disease.  <rme>

Anyway I stepped on the home scale and it showed a two pound loss.  It was pretty exciting.  Hopefully one day I'll make it to GNC and find out what that means LOL

Fortunately I think the fever has finally gone, and I wasn't near as sore today as I was yesterday.  I think I'm on the mend at last.  The hacking cough is all that's left.  It's a bear. 

I'll catch you all up tomorrow, meanwhile I want to finish my work and head to bed.

 

A Sugar Addict's Odyssey Begins...

Yesterday began with a very deep depression.  My mood dipped way low and I didn't want to do anything about anything.  It didn't help that the fever for the flu finally set in yesterday, either.  I felt miserable and my one vice toward happiness I could not use anymore.  Talk about deprivation.  It was ugly. 

So I made life miserable for everyone until about mid afternoon when we went back to the store.  I was on a mission.  I had to find some way of exisiting on this new life program.  Food once again had to become my friend, even if it couldn't be the same friend as before.

I went low carb on everything.  Pasta, bread, even my tortillas.  I bought low carb BBQ sauce and low carb sugar free syrup.  If it said sugar free, it was for me.  I even bought some ice cream.  Yup.  Ice cream.  Banana nut no less.  No sugar added, no sugar, corn syrup any gluclose product. 

And I ate like a fiend all day long.  The secret to hypoglycemia is to keep the blood sugar steady, and by doing that, eat small frequent meals with complex carbohydrates that take longer to break down.  And protein.  Lots of good protein to sate your hunger.

I had about a half of a yogurt smoothie that morning (no more of those, they have sugar), then for "brunch" I had egg beaters, cooked with turkey sausage, served with fat free cheese and tomato on a jalapeno tortilla with side serving of grapes.  For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on double fiber, sugar free wheat bread with sugar free all natural apricot preserves.  For dinner we had the low carb pasta with low carb tomato sauce and green beans.  I had the banana nut ice cream for dessert.  A little while later I had some grapes again (they were mighty tasty).  For my after dinner snack I had some cherries and some 2% cheese.

I ate so much I was surprised to learn I only ate 1657 calories.  I was satisfied, I even enjoyed what I got to eat.  My pie chart was the most even I'd ever seen it, with 28% fat, 43% carb and 29% protein.  As for the low carb, sugar free experiment goes, a huge thumbs up on the Smuckers Sugar Free Apricot Preserves and the H.E.B. Creamy Sensations No Sugar Added Banana Nut Ice Cream.  Thumbs way down on the soy protein low carb pasta.  I'll have to find a better substitute for that.  The Bella Vita Low Carb Spicy Tomato Sauce, though, was very good.

We also went to GNC (weighed in, haven't lost anything) and I bought some Stevia and some Chromium Picolinate tablets.  This is not a cheap venture for me, but I'm biting the bullet and doing it anyway. 

I did enjoy my food yesterday and I didn't feel that deprived at all.  So hopefully I've found a happy medium between eating like I used to and eating like I need to.  I guess it goes way back to what I said in the beginning - it's not about what you deprive yourself of, it's about choices.

Next month's vacation to Las Vegas will tell the tale.  They say once you've done something for a month it becomes a habit.  We'll see.

As soon as I'm over the fever, aches and hacking cough, I'll be back on the exercise mill as well.  I can tell I haven't done it in a while, everything feels flabby where it was feeling firmer.  That's reason in itself to do it.

Tomorrow is my "official" weigh in day, so we'll do our month's update then.  I just couldn't face it on Sunday (the 11th), I was so sick.

Off to medicate now...

 

What Love Means

This one is for you, Sarah. 

As a woman who has been overweight all of my adult life, I've heard a lot of things from men to get what they wanted, but inevitably they couldn't get past the weight enough to love me the way I needed to be loved.

They tried, God bless em, but in the end I don't feel these men truly appreciated what love truly is.

Love isn't about physical appearance.  That's attraction.  Is it necessary for true love?  For the long haul yes.  But I truly believe that the longer you love someone, the more beautiful they grow.  When you look through the eyes of love, you don't see people as a sum of their total parts, you see what you've grown to love.  You see the good heart, the sense of humor, the beautiful way someone smiles when they are truly happy. 

I have to say this, if anyone of you out there has a spouse or significant other pressuring you to lose weight so they can be better attracted to you - I would seriously question their love.  It's conditional.  And conditional love is almost always a precursor for heartbreak.

When someone truly loves you they love you for who you are, not what you look like.  And if they can't get past the extra pounds, that's their problem and not yours.  That's a superficial definition of love and you don't need it.  Pat them on their back and send them on their way - God has a better plan for you.

Because conditional love is not God's love.  God loves everyone, fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, short or tall, black or white - everyone.  A true "Christian" would see you through the eyes of God and love you for being beautiful without ever having to drop a pound.  We are all made in God's image, we are all touched with God's love and therefore we are all beautiful without having to do one thing to our physical appearance.  I'm not losing this weight so someone will love me, or to be attractive.  I started this journey because I didn't want to leave my kids orphaned by dying prematurely.  Being fat is killing me, it's slow suicide.  My decision to lose weight has now become my desperate attempt to love myself before it's too late. 

I'm not saying it won't hurt to lose those relationships, but put it in perspective.  If you're losing weight to keep someone, what happens as the years go by and you age?  Are they then going to leave you for someone else because you're older than they like?

If they can't love you as is, they can't love you.  Period.

Never, ever accept anything less than unconditional love.  That's what God has demonstrated to us and that's what we all should ultimately strive for.  I've always said I was glad I found Steven while overweight.  If something were to happen and we were no longer together, and I found someone AFTER the weight was lost, I would always question the validity of their love for me.  Is it because I'm thin and attractive?  Or is it because of all the things that time will not change, my heart, my soul, my true nature?

And if you want unconditional love you have to first demonstrate it to yourself.  You have to love yourself enough to say, "Love me as is or get lost".  Don't tolerate that form of abuse, that underlying message that you are not good enough to love just because you're carrying some extra pounds.  That's bullsh*t.  Profanity intended, because to me that's how offensive it is.  The minute a man hints that this is his way of thinking, my opinion of him takes a nosedive.  Because this is superficial and stupid. 

I understand that men are made up differently than women, and they depend on what they see more than what they feel.  But I want someone who has evolved past their human nature into a God nature, that sees value and beauty in everyone, not just some size 6 young thing that gets his motor running.

If someone cannot see my value because they can't get past the weight, it's their loss.  I don't need that, and neither does anyone else. 

So start practicing God's way of loving toward yourself.  Understand that you are special and worth loving without ever losing one ounce. 

This is how God loves us, and how God wants us to love, taken from 1 Corinthians 13.

3If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

4Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
5Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

8Love never dies.

Not one word in there about love needing to be sexually attracted.  No, that's man's skewing the true meaning of love by mingling it with lust. 

You don't need it, count your blessings and move on.  Love yourself first, and the right person will follow. 

 

Unsweetened Oatmeal is Gross, and Other Musings

Alright.  I admit it.  I was wrong.

I need to address the sugar addiction.  Period.  I feed my addiction to make me feel good and it really does have a physical effect, and it's no different than if I were using alcohol or illegal substances.

Here's the skinny.  When I was in 3rd grade I passed out in my school cafeteria.  My mother takes me to a doctor (this was mid 70s) and he diagnoses me with hypoglycemia.  He prescribes a Coke and a Hershey chocolate bar for whenever I have my "episodes". 

Years go by and I have these episodes off and on.  I learn from different new medical information that things like orange juice or peanut butter or even cheese are better food choices to stabilize my blood sugar, but the thing that really works is the soda.  So without fail, thoughout my life, I've used sodas to help me "feel better". 

I've been tested endlessly for diabetes, but never was diagnosed, and it always appeared the hypoglycemia was "reactive", meaning it was dependent upon what I ate or drank (or didn't).  But I read today that hypoglycemia is a precursor to diabetes, so I figure it's time now to put the breaks on.

I also found out so many of the things I've always chalked up to personality quirks (or disorders) could be attributed right back to the hypoglycemia.  Things like moodiness, things like depression, things like being overly emotional, I always attributed to severe PMS (which also has a connection to hypoglycemia, apparently).  Things like being tired, fuzzy headed, forgetful or uninspired to finish much of anything I start I always attributed to age or my weight or just my own character failings - but these too can be tied to hypoglycemia.

I told Steven it was the best and worst news of my life.  It's the best in that I can actually work to get better.  It's the worst in that it means I'm going to have to deal with the deprivation issue finally rather than be a slave to it any long.  I'm honestly very scared to do this.  But I'm going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

So as I choke down my unsweetened oatmeal (and furiously scribble Stevia or Equal down on my grocery list), I admit to everyone and myself that I'm ready to get real about my sugar addiction.

I'm scared, and I cannot promise I'll be perfect.  But I do know I want to feel better, and if this is the way to do it, then I guess I have to do what ultimately has to be done.  I've ordered low blood sugar and sugar free cookbooks to help make the transition easier.

I hear you all cheering.  I sure hope it gets easier, that's all I can say.

 

Small Update

I'm still dragging along trying to get rid of this nagging flu.  It's reduced itself, for me at least, to a nagging cough.  Thanks to good ol Vicks Vapo Rub they at least are getting more productive.

I took a day off yesterday and just vegged.  Finally Steven was feeling a bit better and I could have a Baby day - meaning I'm sick, it's my turn, baby ME.  It was much needed and I feel so much more rested today. 

Diet wise I'm still doing okay except for a Taco Bell run yesterday (see the I'm sick, it's my turn, baby ME, comment), but I still came in on my calorie goals.  I wanted something sweet so badly yesterday, but only resorted to fruit.

This sugar thing is a bear to kick. 

Anyway that's the 411.  Off to work.

 

Wednesday Weigh In

Welcome to our new diet, the Flu Diet.  Steven dropped 5lbs in one week and I lost 2lbs.  I had a suspicion if I were to do the major walk enough in a week it would be the thing to turn things around, so even though I went to the store today and stocked up on healthy stuff (i.e. salad stuff, fruit etc) I'm going to hold off on the Dr. Phil for just a bit longer.  It comes back down to the deprivation thing I was talking about yesterday - I'm just scared spitless I'm going to fall off the wagon. 

Fortunately there's no law that says I have to do this any one way.  I'm pretty proud of the progress I've made just on my own Invent-a-Diet, which, according to an article I read not too long ago, is how most people successfully lose weight.  It's not by doing any one thing, but combining those things which fit their lives best. 

For instance, as a single guy Jared was able to afford eating Subway sandwiches at almost every meal and drop a ton of weight.  Some people have lost that much doing the Richard Simmons diet, some the Dr. Phil diet, some even Atkins and South Beach (although for health reasons I still would advise anyone to seriously consider any other method but - my mother just recently was diagnosed with high cholesterol, basically because of her insistance on doing it the low carb way). 

For me, this system works best.  As long as the numbers go down, inches and or pounds, I think I'm okay.  As of tomorrow I'm going to start walking again, I have let the exercise lapse just because of the icky way I've been feeling.  That, with the Salad Explosion, should help me see even more of a loss this coming week.  I'm never going to be hungry, I got carrots, celery, cucumbers and tons of fruit to snack on.  I didn't buy anything sweet or salty to snack on, no desserts, no chips or crackers.  I also didn't buy any cereal where the first two ingredients were sugar.  I was a conscious buyer.  The ticket came to a little over $100 for five days worth of food. 

Meanwhile I must pull it together so that I can get dinner made and finish doing my work for the day so I can collapse in a Nqyuil coma.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm 2lbs closer to my goal.

Calories: 1891 / 11% fat
Water: 72oz
Exercise: None

RED means I didn't meet goal.

The Everyman Diet

Recently my eating habits have been scrutinized for not being as optimal as they need to be for health reasons.  I have to confess I'm feeling pretty beat up about it too.  The thing that has made the difference between this weight loss endeavor and any of the other unsuccessful "diets" I've chosen is that I've lasted nearly 10 months eating this way, I've lost over 60lbs eating this way, I've lost 48" and nearly 10 dress sizes eating this way.

And by "eating this way" I mean by eating smarter, but no depriving myself the things I enjoy.  The only diets that I have ever failed at, were the diets that said I could never have X, Y and Z again.   Deprivation is a HUGE issue with me.  I think I'll use today's entry to let you into my psyche a bit and let you see how big exactly it is.

Right after my 11th birthday my dad got sick, went into the hospital and several weeks later died.  This was a defining moment in my life.  My dad was my whole world - the one I loved more than anyone and the one I thought loved me more than anyone.  My family consisted of my mother, my sister, my dad and I.  My sister had married and by this time had three of her four children.  She and I couldn't stand each other, she felt I was a spoiled little brat that got everything I wanted (I was) and I felt like she was overly sensitive, jealous and mean (which she was).  My mom resented me because of issues I never quite understood until many years later, and the fact my dad put me on a pedestal way above even her caused me to be a constant sore in her side. 

Meanwhile, I'm an 11 year old kid who is going to cling to the person who most loves me, and that was my dad.  I was already overweight (due to being sexually molested when I was 4), but I never ever felt bad about myself because my dad filled this hole.  I was the happiest, most confident kid on the planet just because I had my dad's love.  All of it.

When he died in 1980, that hole was ripped open.  There was nothing that would fill it.  There was no getting close to my militant mother, who was relieved to get out of the relationship with my dad because it was abusive and unhealthy.  All she could do was speak badly about the person I loved most in the world, and that cut me very deep in a very raw wound.  And there was absolutely no getting close to my sister either, who was also happy my dad had died.  There were issues there I also would not understand until much later.

All I knew was that I was alone, unhappy and empty.  Food became my solace.  To be honest, everything pleasurable became my solace.  I began to stuff that hole with everything that made me feel good - which lead to my addictive behavior.  It was only many years later when I got into therapy that I realized how much the obestity was a result of that behavior.  Stuffing down to fill the ultimate deprivation of my life.

So the trigger now to self destructive behavior is when that deprivation issue is brought back into play.  It's the reason the South Beach diet failed, because I was depriving myself what I dearly love and not seeing results.  So why deprive myself?  Then I go full on binging on the food that I love.  Which, interestingly enough, was the reason for the Taco Bell downfall in the last week.  I stopped eating Taco Bell for a long time due to the sodium issue, when I decided to forego that particular issue I went hog wild on the food I had been <key word here> deprived of.

This means my eating plan HAS to include "bad" foods.  The fact that I can lose weight and still eat things like Whataburger, or Krispy Kremes, or whatever, is - to my mind - a great success.  The reason so many diets fail is because people do not want to say no forever to the foods they enjoy.  And if they don't have to, then why should they?

Sure it would be healthier to ditch it altogether, I just don't feel (using my own life as an example) it's all that realistic.  There are several factors that come into play, money still remains one despite the argument otherwise.   And the fact I've stated openly that I have no qualms about putting that argument to the test to try and eat healthier just makes me feel more beat up when my past diet is used as an example of how much denial I am in (aka lying to myself). 

I just feel it's an unfair assessment.  The fact of the matter is I have made GREAT strides to eat healthier, I've changed my body drastically and even though I eat things I enjoy that may not be "real" foods, I don't eat like I used to.  I stopped drinking sodas like water, I've gotten rid of a lot of high fat stuff that I can't eat anymore anyway due to gallbladder trouble.  I'm really happy with the progress I've made, even though the weight loss has stagnated - and even that is indicative of the progress I'm making changing my body composition from fat to muscle.

I'm doing okay.  On an eating plan that anyone anywhere could follow faithfully.  I don't like feeling "beat up" considering the progress I've made.  I know that I could change some things, but again, I've openly stated I'm willing to make those changes. 

I guess I just need to ask some patience as I find my own way.  Because that is crucial to my success.  The minute I start feeling inadequate, ADDED to the deprivation, spells trouble for me.

Considering that the flu hit Steven much, much harder than it hit me also shows me I am not doing too badly on meeting my nutrients as well. 

I'm okay.  Just trust me a little.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be.  I'm okay and I'm on my way.

Calories: 1821 / 18% fat
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Walked 1 mile

RED means I didn't meet goal

More Delays

The flu has invaded my household.  It has Steven in its clutches and I'm fighting it off as best I can.  He had a fever of 101 yesterday so we didn't make it to church.  I spent my day of rest literally resting. 

Since I cannot guarantee we'll get to the store, I've decided to officially start the Dr. Phil program on or after Wednesday's weigh in.  This is a good thing, I've decided, since I'll be able to see how my walking the "big walk" between the house and the park affects things just on its own. 

I'm not sure if I'm going to make the walk today, however.  I've got a bit of work to do first and I'll see how I feel then.  I may just do it so I can pick up some Nyquil while I'm out, poor Steven is achy and cannot fall asleep no matter how tired he is. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Slow weight loss is the best weight loss for life time success.

Calories: 1789 / 22% fat
Water: 72oz
Exercise: Free Day

RED means I didn't meet goal

An Unexpected Delay

I didn't get to start the Dr. Phil program today as planned.  Steven told me we'd go to the store when he got home from work this morning, but I slept in and he went to bed before I got up so that has to be put off another day or so. 

However, I am still doing good.  I met my caloric goals today no problem and I walked to the park, around the park and back (3 miles) in one hour.  It was hot but I did it anyway.  I basically shut that chatterbox down before it could talk me out of it.

I am being bad in that I'm preparing one of those dessert mixes, but I figure get rid of the temptation now, before I start this new program. 

As for the argument that healthy food isn't as expensive as the non healthy stuff, I really have to disagree.  I've been buying food for a family of at least three or four since the early 90s and I can tell you - there were times when we had to resort to mac and cheese, pinto beans, the high fat hamburger meats, etc.  Fresh fruit and vegetables cost more than canned stuff that comes with processed sugar and sodium.  It's a matter of feeding my family on $75-100 every week, and that leaves me little wiggle room.  Nothing can go to waste, everything has to count.  I've gotten to the point I do spend a little bit more for things like specific cereals, low fat hamburger meat, etc.  I do rely on the convenience and the cost efficency of boxed dinners, that will have to change as we embark on this new program, just because I can't afford for me to eat one thing and them another.  We tried that with the Lean Cuisines back when they were cost effective (read: on sale). 

So I will be doing my level best to find every good deal I can find when I get to the store tomorrow.  I just want to dispell the myth that I use the excuses of not having the money to eat right - unfortunately that is a sad reality.  There's a new study on the connection between childhood obesity and poverty, and I've said for years that I was too poor to be thin.  Healthy foods have always been the luxury.  I truly wish it were an excuse, then it would be easier to change.

However Steven is looking into another job, one with daytime hours, so hopefully that will help the finances a bit.  That and finally paying off this stoooopid electricity bill. 

In the meantime everyone can use my efforts to these changes on a shoestring budget as an economic experiment.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Nothing will stand in my way to get to my goal.

Calories: 1838 / 27% fat
Water: 100oz
Exercise: walked 3 miles

Throwing Down the Gauntlet...

I was rereading the Dr. Phil diet and I figured, what the heck.  I'll put him to the test and see what he can do.  If he can cause the weight to drop off as well as the body shape changing, then it's worth a try.  It's not *too* restrictive, although it is learning a new way to eat.  It's a formula per meal, not necessarily a list of dos and do nots.  For instance breakfast would be something like this:

1 protein serving
1 low fat dairy serving
1 starchy carbohydrate
1 fruit serving
1 non caloric drink

For me, this would equal a bowl of shredded wheat (unsweetened) with a banana, scrambled egg beaters - which is essentially what I would eat anyway.   You all will be happy to know it virtually knocks out all sugar products, all processed stuff - I'll be eating lots more veggies and I'll have to prepare my meals.  

Of course the bad news is I've pigged out today.  Not *too* too bad but enough to feel it.  But it's a good thing, because I don't like the way I feel now and that helps motivate me to stick to the program.   I also don't like the fact that I've eaten stuff that I can't calculate, so basically today has to be a free day.

I did do the major big walk from here to the park, and I realized all those times I walked it before I was short changing myself.  I thought I was walking 3 miles, when I was probably walking closer to four.  But I did walk 3 miles today, so the day wasn't a total loss.

On a completely off topic note, my two Spidey fanatics (one 11 and one 33) finally got to see their new movie today and I heartily endorse it.  It was a lot of fun, lots of action, romance, suspense - good fun all around.  I saw Shrek 2 not too long ago, and while it was okay, it wasn't as good as the first.  Spider-Man 2 I think surpassed the original.  Very, very good.

Also recommended, out on video, Calendar Girls.  I really enjoyed it.  Hellen Mirren is a hoot and it's a great message about the value and beauty of women at any stage in their life. 

So anyway tomorrow starts the 14 Day Rapid Weight Loss program, we'll just see how it lives up to its name. 

DAILY AFFIRMATION: It doesn't matter if I stumble, I'm strong enough to get back on track.

Calories: Don't ask...
Water: 100oz
Exercise: Walked 3 miles

 

July 1 Photo Update

The difference is still visually minimal, but the measuring tape doesn't lie.  And I'm still bowled over by the 46% body fat after tipping that particular scale at 49% back in April. 

It's a slow process but we're getting there.

I didn't get for a walk this morning, I got up late and by the time I got up it was already hot as blazes.  So instead I did 30 mins of Tae Bo just now.  I still haven't mastered it and fizzle out before the whole 45min workout is done, but again... a slow process.  We'll get there.

I keep thinking that I have to change something to get those numbers to go down.  I bought another book today called Maximum Weight Loss by Ted Broer.  Like so many of you, one of his pieces of advice is to ditch processed food and in particular, sugar.

I'm a sugar-holic.  I admit it.  I cave to my sweet tooth.  The thought of giving it up forever really puts me off.  It triggers that deprivation issue BIG time.  According to this guy the five things you should never eat again is:

1.) Pork
2.) Shellfish
3.) Junk food of all types, which he describes as:
    a) A long list of preservatives on the label (i.e. Ginger's food staple -        processed  food)
   b.) Sugar as the first or second ingredient on the label
   c.) The use of hydrogenated fats
   d.) The use of processed white flour
4.) High fat diary problems
5.) Use of margerine products.

If you all have ever checked out what I eat over on fit day you'd realize that this pretty much sums up my entire diet.  Except for the high fat dairy stuf and the margerine products, I'm sunk. 

Anyway I'm getting the hint but again I must stress I have to do this slowly.  I don't want to risk falling off the wagon because of the deprivation issue - it has always, always been my achilles heel.  So I'm willing to do this.  I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'm not going to buy anything with sugar as the first two ingredients on the list.  I have a couple of dessert mixes in the cabinet already, so those don't count.  But I won't bring anything more into the house.  I'm going to do what I can to find and buy cookbooks that offer sugar free dessert alternatives so I can have the sweet without the sugar.  Some people insist fruithas the same effect, I have not found this to be true.  BUT... I'm willing to give it another chance.

I'm also going to attempt to buy more fresh stuff this time around and see if I can budget it in.  Maybe even a salad or two.  Summer is the best time to eat fresh stuff anyway because I love fresh plums, apricots, watermelon and cherries, all summer fruit.

I was so frustrated the other day I was going to write Dr. Phil and tell him, "Ok, Dr. Phil.  I heard you say that your Weight Loss Challenge contestants were losing weight on average 3lbs a week.  I have an anniversary goal to get down to my goal weight and I'll have to lose about that to get there.  So I'm going to put you to the test and see if it really can happen."  Then right as I thought that I thought to myself, I better go eat what I can eat before I go on this diet - and I knew right then I was in trouble.

I may still, who knows.  If this standstill lasts for much longer, the sheer frustration of being stuck in the mud may just send me off the wagon too.  Whatever I have to do I'm going to do to keep going and make it to the end.

DAILY AFFIRMATION: Each day is one day closer to goal.

Calories: 2063 / 24% fat
Water: 100oz
Exercise: Tae Bo 30 mins

RED means I didn't meet goal.