Sunday, April 17, 2005

Why do I do this to myself??

Nick @ Nite.

I know it's coming but I totally just let it happen anyway.

It's the Dan/Heart attack shows. 

It gets me right in the gut every single time.  And do I turn the channel?  Newoooo.

It gets me twofold... one is that I'm sharply reminded about my own Dan and his fatal heart attack, and how sad that I am (and still shocked) that he's gone.

It just seems so unreal, you know?  He was only 43.  I expected him to be strong and live a long, long life.  I never expected him to leave me.  Ever.

When Roseanne says to Jackie, "I've been with him since I was sixteen years old" - it hits home, you know?  I met Dan when I was 17 - still a kid... who had a whole lot of growing up to do. 

Thanks to him I did it. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

The second way this hits me is fear.  Fear that I'm going to be Dan one day.  That I'll be having a day like any other day and them whamo.  All my life will catch up with me in a fatal second. 

It reaffirms why I need to get serious about the weight.  I can't do it for a trip to NY.  I can't do it for a size dress.  I have to do it so that I'll see my forties, fifties, sixties and even seventies - so I won't leave behind people who will miss me as much as I miss those I've loved and lost.

I deserve a long life.  A long happy life.  And through me, in my memories, those I love will live on.

And that's what they deserve.


jjsilcocks said...

I am SOOO far behind in my journals but I am slowly catching up and I wanted to say a quick hello to you. I KNOW it's been a while since I have commented. FORGIVE ME! Anyway, I am here, reading and lurking mostly, but just know that you are in my thoughts today. You got me with this entry and I just HAD to comment. Big hugs to you!
Never Surrender,

surprisepk said...


I've been a long time lurker of your journal.  I just wanted to let you know that you're really inspiring.  Your perseverance is amazing.  I wanted to comment about this entry and about a previous one.  You ask why you do this to yourself (watching the show).  I would think it's a way for you to release some deeply buried feelings and fear.  But I really think it's the universe whispering to you.  I don't know if you saw Oprah show that Tracy Gold was on but they spoke a lot about how things happen for a reason.  And how the universe whispers to you about things in your life that need to be addressed.   I think the universe was whispering to you!  And I think you were listening!