Saturday, April 30, 2005

Down a pound

Down a pound, down-down-down-down, down a pound...

That was my little sing song this morning.

I read that people who regularly check their weight do better, even every day (find that hard to believe, but... at this stage it keeps me honest so I'll do it till it starts to wig me out). 

It's an achievement... I'll take it.

You know, I was reminded yesterday why I detest (or distrust) most men.

Oprah had a couple on her show, the theme was "This isn't the person I married".  In the case of the first relationship (a guy who had a sex change) I can emphatically agree.  In the case of the second couple, however, it was the powder to my keg.

It was a young couple who had been married about ten years and had two kids.  He was an engineer and she had her own hair salon.  So where's the problem? 

She gained 50 pounds.

And he "didn't sign on for a fat wife".

If you were driving past my house, you'd have had to dodge flying debris, because I was livid.

You do not marry a thin person, a young person, an attractive person, a rich person, a person with a full head of hair, etc.  You marry a PERSON.  Conditions can change, but the PERSON is just the same.  In the case of the transsexual - YES, that's a big deal.  If you're not a lesbian and your husband turns into a woman, this is going to seriously mess with your expectations of what your marriage was going to be.

But gaining weight?  Because she bore him two children?

The guy's a pig.

AND he's not all that either, if you ask me.

Generally the guys who need their wives to stay attractive aren't - because men hook up for status.  If they have a beautiful woman on their arm it's like having an expensive car in their garage.  It's a status symbol.

And that has diddly squat to do with real love and commitment.

And people wonder why there's such a high divorce rate.

Giving homosexuals the opportunity to marry isn't going to screw up marriage.... IMO letting idiots like that dude marry at all is what is going to wreck the integrity of matrimony.

Not only does he make her feel bad because she's not the "thin pretty wife" he married, he tries to pick up on girls who ARE thin and pretty.  He feels entitled... and blames her for his philandering ways.

They've split up twice and both times he dated thinner, younger women.

I can't believe she took the jerk back.  But as the interview wore on, she finally let it spill that she thought he was the best she could do.

So the reason she's overweight is she doesn't like or respect HERSELF...and until she does neither will he - or anyone.

She could luck out and find someone like I found in Steven - who loved me regardless, who saw something valuable and attractive and lovable even when I didn't.  But even this has its problems - because no matter how much your husband loves you, you really have to love yourself in the same way.

Someone can't give you what you don't already have.

Which is where I find myself on a regular basis.

I'm lucky to have Steven - who is soooooooooooooooo far emotionally evolved than most men.  He never makes me feel bad about how I look, in fact he's the one trying to build me up all the time.  The problem is, that shouldn't be his responsibility.  I need to learn to like myself enough to be my own cheerleader.

Because life happens.  If I should ever have to navigate life without him, where would I be? 

Plus, it'll help him to have a wife who is more whole.  Instead of always depending on him to fill the emptiness (and punishing him when he doesn't), I need to fill myself up so I can give more to others.

Problem is, I'm a black hole.  No matter how much someone loves me, it's never enough.  Because outside love doesn't fill the gap left by the lack of inside love.  It just never does.

And it leads to self destructive behavior (like gaining back 18 pounds). 

Both this lady AND I have to decide we're good enough without all that other stuff.

We were BORN good enough.

We were BORN worthy of love, respect and dignity.

Again, I blame religion for brainwashing me that this isn't true.  Not God... but religion.  Man made religion that imposes such negativity on ourselves and others.  It's good for nothing.  God says I loved you so much I gave... religion says, you're darn lucky God is forgiving because you have done nothing to deserve what God did for you.

Yes we did.  We were born.  That's all we needed to do for God.  Jesus didn't die for those who grace churches every Sunday or say their prayers every night.  Jesus died for everyone, everywhere... we didn't have to do one single solitary thing for his love and acceptance.

Yet how many times do we have to work hard for the approval of the "religious"?

I heard this story once:

A young man walked past a church one Sunday morning and decided to go in.  He wore dingy jeans, a rock and roll Tshirt and long hair.  His unorthodox appearance drew the ire of the congregation and finally a Deacon took him aside and asked him to leave, that he was causing a distraction.

So he walks outside the doors and down the street, and Jesus came up to walk beside him.  The man says, "Jesus, I tried to go to church but they wouldn't let me in."

Jesus just smiles and says, "Don't feel bad.  They don't let me in either."

I think the reason people go to negative behavior is because bad behavior welcomes everyone.  You're never not good enough to get drunk, get high, smoke, be promiscuous, etc.  You go to a bar and you're welcomed.  They want your business.

Churches are far more selective.

As you can see, I'm on a bash religion kick lately.  I'm just working it out - I can't afford therapy right now so you guys get to listen to me as I work through mental housekeeping.

Gotta get rid of all this negative training.  I gotta stop believing this stuff... it was wrong for them to teach me these things but it's even worse for me to continue to believe it.

And deep down I still do.

I don't know how to change that.

But Oprah was right when she told that girl that until she believes she's good enough, she's never going to drop the weight.  It's a self fullfilling prophesy.  I'm not good enough therefore I'm going to drive myself into the grave.

I think if you really get to the bottom of any bad behavior it comes back to that one simple thing - self loathing.

I think the reason I backslid so badly is because all my pride of self and love of self was contingient upon my doing well with the weight loss.

I had the cart before the horse.

I'm doing well therefore I can love myself... as opposed to I love myself so I'll do well.

When I stopped doing well, what happened?  I loathed myself even more, and that lead me down a path of serious self destruction. 

I do believe that is what they call an epiphany.

On that very important note I will outline my goals for the day.

I'm going to go for a walk at the park and get in my calories 1600-1700.  (which I did both yesterday, incidentally).

And if, by chance, I am unable to reach these goals - that will not change how proud I am of who I am.

That's the most important goal of all.

7 comments:

llgrn1987 said...

You go girl. I loved your entry. Congrats on the pound. You can only do it one at a time and love the person you are that moment. We are with you.

Lori

docboysmom said...

Hi, Ginger,

I've been reading your journal for awhile and I just had to comment. Congrats on the pound loss, by the way!
Anyway, I didn't see the Oprah episode but I thoroughly agree with you. You marry the person. You love the person. My ex husband didn't get that and belittled me all the time for the fat woman I had become. My second husband loved me unconditionally and he will always be the love of my life. He passed away in 2001 with cancer.
About religion - I agree. It is not about "religion" but "relationship".  So many churches have brought in their rules and regs and have forgotten the main reason they're there in the first place.  And I agree with you that if Jesus were to walk in their churches today, He would probably be asked to leave.  He would definitely upset their status quo.
Keep up the good work with your program and your thoughts. I really enjoy reading your journal.
Melanie
http://www.newcreationchronicles.com

windsbud said...

I gotta tell ya...I can't wait to read your journal everyday.  I have many of the same thoughts,feelings, trials and tribulations.  You are an incredibly intelligent and insightful person..hang in there girl.  You WILL succeed.

jeff466 said...

I'm so glad that you are finally getting to where you can see yourself as I see you-good enough.  You have always been someone I can look up to and worthy of anything you set your mind to.  

You deserve to be happy and I am humbled by the progress you have made and continue to make everyday.  It is a long row to hoe-but I am lucky to be by your side  along the way and will support you in all the ups and downs this entails.

I love you NO MATTER WHAT-Jeff

vahik818 said...

Cont..

It's just tweaked a little.  Pretty soon, you'll be eating less, losing more, and in that way you begin to lose your bad habits and gain better ones.  I guess the best thing, in my opinion, is just to make sure that you're not depriving yourself or your mind WILL drift back to what you wish you were having.  Ah!  The horrible cycle I've been through my whole life.  Thanks so much for reading my long comment, but I felt like I just wanted to share a little of me with you, since you've shared yourself so openly with us. I know you'll make it to where you want to be, I'm just sure of it.  All of my thin friends can't diet for more than oh... 3 hours.  Lol, but you've made it this far, and that’s just GREAT.  I'm going to jump on the bandwagon again soon myself.  Some days I have read your post and said, wow that girl's writing what I'm thinking, so I do know how you feel in many ways.  Don't worry, we'll make it, and in the mean time, keep enjoying yourself, your family and the great things in life.  GOOD LUCK!

vahik818 said...

Hi Ginger... I've been reading your diary on and off for quite some time now, and I just wanted to say that even if you have gained back 18 pounds, I still think you did and are doing a great job, you're on the right track.  I myself lost a good amount of weight in the last 2 years. I gained 10 pounds back in the last few months, but have found that the best thing for me is not to beat myself up over gaining it, but rather focusing on remaining where I am, at least until I have the guts to let go of my old habits again.  It's so difficult!  =)  I personally found that the best way to do that is to not eat late... For example, I eat once at about 11:30 or noon (I get up around 9:30), and then I don't eat until 6:30PM.  After that, I don't eat anything except sometimes a few nuts or a little fruit. I eat whatever I want during those meals, in moderation of course but still a good portion, and try not to snack.. I do a little gardening or walking sometimes, and I found that I don't gain any weight doing this.  I know there's probably loads of other things I can do as well, but for me personally, that works best.  The way I lost my original weight is (and this is even unhealthier probably than the weight maintenance diet =) is by eating 1 and a half sandwiches on low carb bread at 12PM and 6:30PM.  I put whatever I felt like eating in those sandwiches that day, like tuna, ham, or peanut butter.  With it, I ate a small side of salad or a few pretzels or chips or whatever I felt like. I lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight doing that for a few weeks.  My point here?  I think the BEST weight loss plan (excluding exercise of course), is one that you feel most comfortable with and can stick to, the one where you actually like what you’re eating, and it's not so far from what you eat every day.

grettysk said...

Hey Ginger...

Long time no see. :)  I've been a lurker these days, but today, I had to post something.  You touched me right to my core.  I've been stagnet for some time now with my weight, but still trying to live my life fully and trying to love myself.  I have had disappointments all around me, but most of all, I have really let myself down as far as giving ME the love I need.  I always seem to be so dependent on the love that others give to me.  And we all know that sets us up for a big heartache a lot of the time.  And what you said about loving yourself really wrapped itself around my heart and I am sitting here typing, in tears.  Thank you.  I want to try to do it, but it is so hard!!!  If I could only believe.....sigh.

And what you said about God..you are SOOOOOOOOOOO right on. SO right on.

You are still my hero and I can never thank you enough.

Love, Gretchen