Last week was harder on me than I realized. Actually, it's been a tough few weeks. But it all came to a head over the weekend, thanks to my thankless PMS.
I didn't realize how stressed out I was or why until I couldn't function anymore. Then everything got to me. It was really bad.
I just have a lot on my plate, theoretically speaking. With working, the script, the gym, the house, the kids, the husband, the college and last but not least the swimming, I have been going under for a while.
I want to do it all, but I can't without some help. And we all know me and asking for help.
So I got the bright idea to start switching my schedule over after missing an important paper for my college course and screwing up a work deadline. I need to get up early - no more late sleeping. Of course, I don't like to get up early... I don't think it's natural for me. I don't feel alert or aware early in the morning, and no matter how tired I am I can easily stay up till past 2am no matter what time I got up in the morning. If I get up early I can do all the menial tasks that don't require creativity or serious thought. Everything creative I do, it happens at night. What I do in the daytime - repetitive work tasks or housework.
Anyway, between that and the allergies and just good ol fashioned stress I haven't done squat toward my fitness goals. One free day turned into three, easily - as they so often do.
And I can't afford that, not if I want to meet my June goals.
But I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to go take a nap (thanks to my allergy medication) and try to face the day rested rather than spacey. Otherwise there will be no gym and I'd be lying to myself and all of you if I said otherwise.
Plus tonight I have swimming class. I'm not thinking about it so as not to freak myself out again. Yes I'm still scared, no matter how illogical it is.
I don't know why I decided to put myself in goal overload. I'm trying to accomplish so much that I end up giving in on the eating/lazing off exercise stuff because I feel like "I deserve it". (Like last night's Mongolian seafood buffet.)
In fact, over the weekend when I decided I was just going to have to cut back on what I'm trying to do, the exercise/weight loss thing was one of the items on the chopping block.
But then again so was college and writing too. You know, basically everything I want to do rather than the things I feel like I have to do. And let's face it, taking care of myself has never been a top priority for me. I come last on my list, after all my many obligations.
I'm just having a hard time managing the household and the job. With Steven's new job, he's gone 60 hours a week - so I have lost a lot of his support. The kids are like they always are, doing the minimal even in school. I can't seem to get them motivated. Then my friend who also works with my sister got a great new job - good for him, not so great for us. My sister wanted to move in a month so I thought, well I will just take back the duties I gave him temporarily so we wouldn't have to train someone just for temporary work. (I didn't want to take on the task of training anyone, RME)
I can't believe I used to do it all the time. No wonder I made a lot of money in years past. I was working all the time. Back then I wasn't trying to lose weight/write/go to school/etc. I would sit on my ever widening behind and just toil away, my nose to the grindstone.
I can't do that anymore. Nor do I want to. I *want* to write. I *want* to get my health in order. I *want* to get my degree.
So I have some choices to make.
And so do the people who live with me.
Because I can't do it alone.
And I shouldn't have to.
I deserve better.