Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Last week was harder on me than I realized.  Actually, it's been a tough few weeks.  But it all came to a head over the weekend, thanks to my thankless PMS.

I didn't realize how stressed out I was or why until I couldn't function anymore.  Then everything got to me.  It was really bad. 

I just have a lot on my plate, theoretically speaking.  With working, the script, the gym, the house, the kids, the husband, the college and last but not least the swimming, I have been going under for a while.

I want to do it all, but I can't without some help.  And we all know me and asking for help. 

So I got the bright idea to start switching my schedule over after missing an important paper for my college course and screwing up a work deadline.  I need to get up early - no more late sleeping.  Of course, I don't like to get up early... I don't think it's natural for me.  I don't feel alert or aware early in the morning, and no matter how tired I am I can easily stay up till past 2am no matter what time I got up in the morning.  If I get up early I can do all the menial tasks that don't require creativity or serious thought.  Everything creative I do, it happens at night.  What I do in the daytime - repetitive work tasks or housework.

Anyway, between that and the allergies and just good ol fashioned stress I haven't done squat toward my fitness goals.  One free day turned into three, easily - as they so often do.

And I can't afford that, not if I want to meet my June goals.

But I'm not going to beat myself up.  I'm going to go take a nap (thanks to my allergy medication) and try to face the day rested rather than spacey.  Otherwise there will be no gym and I'd be lying to myself and all of you if I said otherwise.

Plus tonight I have swimming class.  I'm not thinking about it so as not to freak myself out again.  Yes I'm still scared, no matter how illogical it is. 

I don't know why I decided to put myself in goal overload.  I'm trying to accomplish so much that I end up giving in on the eating/lazing off exercise stuff because I feel like "I deserve it".  (Like last night's Mongolian seafood buffet.)

In fact, over the weekend when I decided I was just going to have to cut back on what I'm trying to do, the exercise/weight loss thing was one of the items on the chopping block.

But then again so was college and writing too.  You know, basically everything I want to do rather than the things I feel like I have to do.  And let's face it, taking care of myself has never been a top priority for me.  I come last on my list, after all my many obligations.

I'm just having a hard time managing the household and the job.  With Steven's new job, he's gone 60 hours a week - so I have lost a lot of his support.  The kids are like they always are, doing the minimal even in school.  I can't seem to get them motivated.  Then my friend who also works with my sister got a great new job - good for him, not so great for us.  My sister wanted to move in a month so I thought, well I will just take back the duties I gave him temporarily so we wouldn't have to train someone just for temporary work.  (I didn't want to take on the task of training anyone, RME)

I can't believe I used to do it all the time.  No wonder I made a lot of money in years past.  I was working all the time.  Back then I wasn't trying to lose weight/write/go to school/etc.  I would sit on my ever widening behind and just toil away, my nose to the grindstone.

I can't do that anymore.  Nor do I want to.  I *want* to write.  I *want* to get my health in order.  I *want* to get my degree.

So I have some choices to make. 

And so do the people who live with me.

Because I can't do it alone.

And I shouldn't have to.

I deserve better.


wtina50 said...

You know, that is exactly how burn out happens. You want so much for your self, but you have a sense of duty to others. You gotta LET GO! You can have it all, but you have to be willing to say NO. Its hard but you gotta say no to yourself, to loved ones and others. I know you say alot I deserve it (alot). I just wonder how much you believe it? You have a beautiful soul. You inspire so many. Including me. I also know what it is like to know what a great person I am and then I try on some pants at wal-mart and then I hate myself. Just by reading your entrys every day I am greatful I am not alone! I also know what it is to be burnt out. I have a son that is Autistic and I am also trying to get a college education. I also have a husband who works all the time. No matter how close you are to your husband it still hurts that they are gone so much.  I just wanted to let you know I am here on the side lines cheering you on! You can make it. Just don't forget to take time out for yourself, treat yourself to a manicure or a massage. Go to a movie by yourself. Go for a long ride in the contry, by yourself. Start meditating once a day. As long as you remeber who you are on your way to self discovery!

mdsavino said...

I have been following your journal for quite some time. I've said nothing, I've related to some of your situations, I've cheered you on in my head and heart. I have noticed that you do tend to keep taking things on. You often lament over all you do and also sound like you want to throw in the towel on it all. However, you state, often, that you deserve the good in life...you deserve those things that you seek. Do you REALLY believe you do? Or do you think that, perhaps, you take on so much so that it WILL overshadow you and your own personal achievement goals, giving you an excuse to fall now and then? I ask as I have been there more than once. I take on and take on and take on...then fall apart as NO ONE can be perfect at everything. It is not the stress of what the world throws on you... it is the stress of what you put on yourself. Good idea to get the family to support, to help. But, don't just fuss about it...make it happen. They are old enough to do their laundry and even make their meals if it will help.  And, of all times, when writing demands your full attention and school demands your sharp mind and family situation demands more of your time, do you take on conquering your biggest fear, swimming?? The gym is tough enough to find discipline and time for... why throw in something as emotionally draining for you as swimming right now? It's just adding another excuse to fail in other areas. Stop. Just stop. You cannot improve your physical, mental, and spiritual self if you bog life up with everything else.