I swear, I've been sicker in the last six months than the last few years.
Last you heard from me I was going to take a nap after taking my trusty allergy pill. I got up feeling kinda queasy but I figured it was lack of food. So I ate.
Come four o'clock the next morning, I was so sorry I did.
I was sick allllllllllllllllllll day yesterday.
The upside: I lost 7lbs through the process.
The downside: I ended up praying to the porceline god to do it.
Incidentally, I don't recommend this process to anyone. Yerk.
So I went to the doctor yesterday because I literally couldn't keep down water or crackers and it turns out there is a severe stomach bug making the rounds. I was patient #11 the doctor had seen that day. I got a shot (I am beginning to hate that place) and came home and went back to bed.
When I got up, I managed to swill some Gatorade (double yerk) in order to get the salt/potassium levels back to normal so my legs wouldn't hurt.
I haven't gotten sick since, but I also have some Promethazine to keep the stomach virus blues at bay.
I still feel crappy, this week has been a bust - missing Tuesday's swimming lesson and probably missing today's as well.
But I'm over it.
Some very nice people have commented on my tendency to overload myself with stuff to do. I know it's a subconscious thing I do to avoid feeling. I must keep busy. I must do things. I never let myself be, because I must make myself do.
I know this - I replaced food to numb my pain with activities to numb my pain.
The swimming, though, really did have a purpose. The swimming was my way to show Steven I was willing to step up to the plate and support him on his endeavor to win that contest and go to Cancun, since I had been rainingall over his parade about it. I figured, that was my issue, not his and I thought it was high time I dealt with my issue.
That swimming was so difficult for me is really my problem. There are a half a dozen people there who are trained to help me if I get in trouble, I'm the one who makes it a bigger deal than it is.
As for college, I chose to do the college back when I didn't have the writing thing going on. Everything just sort of collided and I've been juggling like a mad woman since then, trying to get everything I want/need to do done.
For instance: I need to work and manage the house and the family and the money and the kids and my health. These are necessities.
I want to get my college degree, make a writing sale and conquor my fear of swimming.
If I've overscheduled myself to shortchange any of those things, it hasn't been on purpose. That's why I said, I have some serious choices to make.
And for those of you perceptive people who commented that I say I deserve good things but do I really believe it, the answer would be a resounding no. The reason I end my journal with that affirmation is to retrain my brain to believe it. It's a "fake it till you feel it" kind of thing.
So. Where does that leave me in the process?
Well, I don't know yet. I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it given the misery of yesterday. The best I can do is tone things down a bit. Until I get the swimming thing under control, maybe hit the gym three days a week instead of five or six. At least I'd still be going, and I wouldn't tax myself so greatly in the process.
Maybe just go for a walk on those other days, to get in some activity. A walk is a relaxing thing, right?
Meanwhile I gotta fight the rest of this thing off (it's now in my chest, joy) and get some of my work done. No writing, no gym, no housekeeping - just taking care of me and what little work has to be done.
It's going to be a slow day and I'm not going to feel guilty about it - I don't have to be superwoman, I can take time to take care of me.
Because I deserve it.