Thursday, April 14, 2005

My body had a 34 year warranty

I swear, I've been sicker in the last six months than the last few years. 

Last you heard from me I was going to take a nap after taking my trusty allergy pill.  I got up feeling kinda queasy but I figured it was lack of food.  So I ate.

Come four o'clock the next morning, I was so sorry I did.

I was sick allllllllllllllllllll day yesterday.

The upside: I lost 7lbs through the process.

The downside: I ended up praying to the porceline god to do it.

Incidentally, I don't recommend this process to anyone.  Yerk.

So I went to the doctor yesterday because I literally couldn't keep down water or crackers and it turns out there is a severe stomach bug making the rounds.  I was patient #11 the doctor had seen that day.  I got a shot (I am beginning to hate that place) and came home and went back to bed.

When I got up, I managed to swill some Gatorade (double yerk) in order to get the salt/potassium levels back to normal so my legs wouldn't hurt.

I haven't gotten sick since, but I also have some Promethazine to keep the stomach virus blues at bay.

I still feel crappy, this week has been a bust - missing Tuesday's swimming lesson and probably missing today's as well.

But I'm over it.

Some very nice people have commented on my tendency to overload myself with stuff to do.  I know it's a subconscious thing I do to avoid feeling.  I must keep busy.  I must do things.  I never let myself be, because I must make myself do.

I know this - I replaced food to numb my pain with activities to numb my pain.

The swimming, though, really did have a purpose.  The swimming was my way to show Steven I was willing to step up to the plate and support him on his endeavor to win that contest and go to Cancun, since I had been rainingall over his parade about it.  I figured, that was my issue, not his and I thought it was high time I dealt with my issue.

That swimming was so difficult for me is really my problem.  There are a half a dozen people there who are trained to help me if I get in trouble, I'm the one who makes it a bigger deal than it is. 

As for college, I chose to do the college back when I didn't have the writing thing going on.  Everything just sort of collided and I've been juggling like a mad woman since then, trying to get everything I want/need to do done.

For instance:  I need to work and manage the house and the family and the money and the kids and my health.  These are necessities.

I want to get my college degree, make a writing sale and conquor my fear of swimming. 

If I've overscheduled myself to shortchange any of those things, it hasn't been on purpose.  That's why I said, I have some serious choices to make.

And for those of you perceptive people who commented that I say I deserve good things but do I really believe it, the answer would be a resounding no.  The reason I end my journal with that affirmation is to retrain my brain to believe it.  It's a "fake it till you feel it" kind of thing.

So.  Where does that leave me in the process?

Well, I don't know yet.  I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it given the misery of yesterday.  The best I can do is tone things down a bit.  Until I get the swimming thing under control, maybe hit the gym three days a week instead of five or six.  At least I'd still be going, and I wouldn't tax myself so greatly in the process.

Maybe just go for a walk on those other days, to get in some activity.  A walk is a relaxing thing, right? 

Meanwhile I gotta fight the rest of this thing off (it's now in my chest, joy) and get some of my work done.  No writing, no gym, no housekeeping - just taking care of me and what little work has to be done.

It's going to be a slow day and I'm not going to feel guilty about it - I don't have to be superwoman, I can take time to take care of me.

Because I deserve it.


patchmom said...

Thank goodness - I hope that you really did take care of you today!! I'm so sorry to hear that you got so sick. I hope that recover soon, but I can't help but think that this might have been a little (or not so little) shove to MAKE you slow down for a while. Take care of yourself and I hope that you can find some middle ground and calm in your life!

dayaproduktionz said...

hey girl, my name is Dayami, and i have been reading your journal for quite a while... i hope you do get better and your doing great with your loosing weight. you did inspire me in alot of ways and thanx to you i'm trying to lead a better life by eating healthier....i recently got a tummy tuck because i had alot of loose skin and well i'm just writting to invite you to read my journal. i know i read you werent thinking of getting operated in any way and that you wanted to loose the weight on your own... but maybe you'd like to read my tummy tuck journal anyway... so if you want to read here is the link...

i hope you read... i'd like to recieve some of your inspiration on my comments. thanks for creating such a great journal!

---your faithfull journal reader, Dayami

gabreaelinfo said...

Congrats on the weight loss.
Get Well Soon!