Down a pound

Down a pound, down-down-down-down, down a pound...

That was my little sing song this morning.

I read that people who regularly check their weight do better, even every day (find that hard to believe, but... at this stage it keeps me honest so I'll do it till it starts to wig me out). 

It's an achievement... I'll take it.

You know, I was reminded yesterday why I detest (or distrust) most men.

Oprah had a couple on her show, the theme was "This isn't the person I married".  In the case of the first relationship (a guy who had a sex change) I can emphatically agree.  In the case of the second couple, however, it was the powder to my keg.

It was a young couple who had been married about ten years and had two kids.  He was an engineer and she had her own hair salon.  So where's the problem? 

She gained 50 pounds.

And he "didn't sign on for a fat wife".

If you were driving past my house, you'd have had to dodge flying debris, because I was livid.

You do not marry a thin person, a young person, an attractive person, a rich person, a person with a full head of hair, etc.  You marry a PERSON.  Conditions can change, but the PERSON is just the same.  In the case of the transsexual - YES, that's a big deal.  If you're not a lesbian and your husband turns into a woman, this is going to seriously mess with your expectations of what your marriage was going to be.

But gaining weight?  Because she bore him two children?

The guy's a pig.

AND he's not all that either, if you ask me.

Generally the guys who need their wives to stay attractive aren't - because men hook up for status.  If they have a beautiful woman on their arm it's like having an expensive car in their garage.  It's a status symbol.

And that has diddly squat to do with real love and commitment.

And people wonder why there's such a high divorce rate.

Giving homosexuals the opportunity to marry isn't going to screw up marriage.... IMO letting idiots like that dude marry at all is what is going to wreck the integrity of matrimony.

Not only does he make her feel bad because she's not the "thin pretty wife" he married, he tries to pick up on girls who ARE thin and pretty.  He feels entitled... and blames her for his philandering ways.

They've split up twice and both times he dated thinner, younger women.

I can't believe she took the jerk back.  But as the interview wore on, she finally let it spill that she thought he was the best she could do.

So the reason she's overweight is she doesn't like or respect HERSELF...and until she does neither will he - or anyone.

She could luck out and find someone like I found in Steven - who loved me regardless, who saw something valuable and attractive and lovable even when I didn't.  But even this has its problems - because no matter how much your husband loves you, you really have to love yourself in the same way.

Someone can't give you what you don't already have.

Which is where I find myself on a regular basis.

I'm lucky to have Steven - who is soooooooooooooooo far emotionally evolved than most men.  He never makes me feel bad about how I look, in fact he's the one trying to build me up all the time.  The problem is, that shouldn't be his responsibility.  I need to learn to like myself enough to be my own cheerleader.

Because life happens.  If I should ever have to navigate life without him, where would I be? 

Plus, it'll help him to have a wife who is more whole.  Instead of always depending on him to fill the emptiness (and punishing him when he doesn't), I need to fill myself up so I can give more to others.

Problem is, I'm a black hole.  No matter how much someone loves me, it's never enough.  Because outside love doesn't fill the gap left by the lack of inside love.  It just never does.

And it leads to self destructive behavior (like gaining back 18 pounds). 

Both this lady AND I have to decide we're good enough without all that other stuff.

We were BORN good enough.

We were BORN worthy of love, respect and dignity.

Again, I blame religion for brainwashing me that this isn't true.  Not God... but religion.  Man made religion that imposes such negativity on ourselves and others.  It's good for nothing.  God says I loved you so much I gave... religion says, you're darn lucky God is forgiving because you have done nothing to deserve what God did for you.

Yes we did.  We were born.  That's all we needed to do for God.  Jesus didn't die for those who grace churches every Sunday or say their prayers every night.  Jesus died for everyone, everywhere... we didn't have to do one single solitary thing for his love and acceptance.

Yet how many times do we have to work hard for the approval of the "religious"?

I heard this story once:

A young man walked past a church one Sunday morning and decided to go in.  He wore dingy jeans, a rock and roll Tshirt and long hair.  His unorthodox appearance drew the ire of the congregation and finally a Deacon took him aside and asked him to leave, that he was causing a distraction.

So he walks outside the doors and down the street, and Jesus came up to walk beside him.  The man says, "Jesus, I tried to go to church but they wouldn't let me in."

Jesus just smiles and says, "Don't feel bad.  They don't let me in either."

I think the reason people go to negative behavior is because bad behavior welcomes everyone.  You're never not good enough to get drunk, get high, smoke, be promiscuous, etc.  You go to a bar and you're welcomed.  They want your business.

Churches are far more selective.

As you can see, I'm on a bash religion kick lately.  I'm just working it out - I can't afford therapy right now so you guys get to listen to me as I work through mental housekeeping.

Gotta get rid of all this negative training.  I gotta stop believing this stuff... it was wrong for them to teach me these things but it's even worse for me to continue to believe it.

And deep down I still do.

I don't know how to change that.

But Oprah was right when she told that girl that until she believes she's good enough, she's never going to drop the weight.  It's a self fullfilling prophesy.  I'm not good enough therefore I'm going to drive myself into the grave.

I think if you really get to the bottom of any bad behavior it comes back to that one simple thing - self loathing.

I think the reason I backslid so badly is because all my pride of self and love of self was contingient upon my doing well with the weight loss.

I had the cart before the horse.

I'm doing well therefore I can love myself... as opposed to I love myself so I'll do well.

When I stopped doing well, what happened?  I loathed myself even more, and that lead me down a path of serious self destruction. 

I do believe that is what they call an epiphany.

On that very important note I will outline my goals for the day.

I'm going to go for a walk at the park and get in my calories 1600-1700.  (which I did both yesterday, incidentally).

And if, by chance, I am unable to reach these goals - that will not change how proud I am of who I am.

That's the most important goal of all.

Kinda sorta but not really

Remember those boundaries I was talking about?  I so blew that goal.

Mostly because I only got 3 1/4 hours sleep yesterday and never should have planned for the gym.  It just wasn't happening.  I tried to be ambitious when I should have been realistic.

Lesson learned.

But I did get a walk in.  It was too hot for the park so we walked the mall.  If nothing else, I'm going to get that walk in.

I blew the calories too, not intentionally mind you.  We were out and about, decided to eat out and it just sorta happened.  I didn't think what I ate would take me over, but it did.

Fajitas... no no.

Well had I resisted the tortillas it would have been okay.

But I'm still under what I burn normally - and that's key.  I can't OVER eat.  As long as I don't push past 2600 calories, I'm still creating a deficit and that's the main goal. 

1700 is just more of a deficit than 2200.

The problem hasn't really been what I was eating but why.  I was eating because I was stressed and needed comfort.  I've been consciously avoiding that.  It takes a lot of thought... impulse says reach for the comfort food. 

And like I said if I eat frequently, I'm not really hungry and I don't over indulge.  In fact, last night I left a lot of food behind, including tortillas.

I didn't want to.  Whenever I do that I think of all those starving children in Africa my mother taught me about.  Living your life motivated by guilt sucks.

And that's my main motivation... guilt.  Guilt because I'm not perfect.  So I try to be perfect, all the time.  This leads to over scheduling and really stressing myself out.

I think what I really need to do is simplify.

Like when I have two goals a day instead of five.  Right now it's enough to get that walk in.

Which has me thinking I need to just trim the fat from my life.  Maybe I need to drop the college courses.  I've gotten to the point where I'm missing assignments or turning them in late, for no other reason than I just never get around to them.  It's so stressful. 

I dunno yet.  Still floundering a bit here, trying to hang on by my fingernails.  I do know that a diet isn't going to help me right now.  What I need to do is what has always worked.  Monitor what I eat, do not overeat and exercise.  That's what I need... not all this diet crap I've suckered myself into.

The very thing I was writing about for my college class.

Color me hypocritical.

Anyway my goal today is to meet my calorie goal - 1600-1700 (this means no eating out no matter how tempting it is - this one will be tough) and to get my walk in.

I think I'll go now.  Putting it off is where I have my biggest problem, because I'll never do it if I don't do it now.

It's funny how we can talk ourselves out of anything given enough time.

 

Speechless

Okay.

I'll get to the weight loss thing but let me be a pathetic groupie for a second.

I watched American Idol for the first time last season, got invested in Fantasia and she won - happy ending.  This made me comfortable enough to dip my toe in the Reality Television waters yet again.

To my surprise I found not one but two long haired rockers (a weakness, admittedly), so I was gung ho supporting them.  Somehow, without me noticing, Mr. Constantine Maroulis - pictured above - really got under my skin.  Like Steve Perry under my skin. 

Nothing sexual or wrong, mind you - just an innocent teenager type groupieness.  I never expected him to win.  I thought that both he and Bo Bice were a little too raw and edgy for the AI Bubble Gum Pop crowd.  That changed a few weeks ago when he flawlessly delivered Bohemian Rhapsody and tore the roof off the mutha as they say.

WATCHIDOL.com | source for all your IDOL needs (American Idol 1, 2, 3 and 4 media)

It was then I really started to think he could win.  Given the caliber of the other "performers" - and I use that term loosely - I always thought he'd make it to at least, at LEAST the final three.

Sadly, he was sent packing very abruptly and very shockingly last night.

I'm a devasted groupie today.

That said...

I did very well on my goals yesterday.  That's the trick I guess, keep it simple.  I got my walk in, even though it was a struggle.  I got my eating in at just over 1600.  So I'm pretty proud of that.

AND, a slight Non Scale Victory, when I first started driving my sister's car a month ago, the seat belt was soooooooo tight on me.  I was still swimming in the warm waters of denial and thought it was just a smaller seatbelt.  Now I know I was getting wildly out of hand again. 

Well, the good news is the seatbelt fits now, no problems.

And that feeling is so much better than eating out of control like I was. 

Again, I have to wonder what's wrong with me that I don't do it when I know it's going to make me feel better.

These are issues for a professional, I believe.  It's time to find out why slow suicide by food has been acceptible for me.  So acceptible that I'll undo a year's worth of good behavior in a few months like I have done.

It's not easy for me, believe it or not.  I can write these things on this journal easier than I can go face to face with someone and talk about some of my issues.  Things that go back to sexual abuse as a child aren't comfortable subjects.  I dealt with it then by just not thinking or talking about it.  That's 31 years of learned behavior (good God has it been that long??).

You know, it's interesting.  My friend Jeff got a great job with a child advocacy group and has been training to become an officer of the court.  In his training he has learned how to spot victims or victimizers of certain types of abuse.  A few of the things that identify a battered victim are no boundaries, the inability to say no, putting everyone else above themselves etc.  I look at my upbringing and I realize - that's what I was groomed for.

It comes back to the religion thing.  I know I've said this before but I really feel victimized by religious abuse.  Way back in the day my mom had a record (by that I mean LP, yes I'm old), and the lady had a song about being a little child and going to Sunday school to hear what a loving God we have.  Then she'd go to the main sanctuary and have the preacher screaming down from the pulpit about how we'd all be punished or go to hell because we were sinners.  It totally embodied my spiritual experience as a kid. 

And I could blame my mom/parents or the whole Southern Baptist religion for how badly their fear tactics really messed me up but I don't think that's even totally accurate.  That's just how things were back then.  That's how things still are in some religions.  I think that people deal with the divine in a couple of primary ways.  One is they realize that the divine is so far and above what we are capable of as humans that we need to reflect on our own weaknesses to give that divinity the respect and honor it deserves.  The other kind believe that we are equal to that divinity, that we're our own god in a way.  I don't think either is what God intended, but man can only see through their own limited viewpoint.

Anyway it leads to following religions that teach you that you're nothing but a low down dirty sinner who isn't allowed to have anything, do anything or be anything.  Which is where I was most of my life.  It's where my mom still is.  Selfish martyrdom and nothing short of it means you're worthy of even using God in the same sentence.

Yeah, selflessness is nice.  But I think we have to preserve ourselves in true service to others.  We could give away our last dime, but what then?  We could work ourselves into the ground, but what then?  It just seems to me that you have to have self love to be any use at all to God.

You have to know who you are and what you have to offer.  You have to know when you're casting your pearls to swine so you can respect yourself enough to remove yourself from the situation. 

Because if you don't you end up painting yourself into dangerous corners.  You teach other people to treat you with the same disrespect you show yourself.  Like the saying goes, how can someone respect you if you don't respect yourself? 

We believe in some screwy way that if we give our all to someone they will love us for our selflessness.  That doesn't lead to someone loving you, that leads to someone using you.  If you have enough respect to tell someone, "You cannot treat me this way" - they really will treat you better.

And if they don't, they never would and you don't need them anyway.

So my emotional goal today is that I will set boundaries.  I will not say yes when I want to say no.  Because that leads to the same yucky feeling that not taking care of my physical self does. 

And I deserve better.

Going back to my buddy Constantine, IF you watch AI and think that the results were wrong please sign this petition:

 http://www.petitiononline.com/123aifix/petition.html

And if you're a Connie fan, don't forget his CD with his band Pray for the Soul of Betty comes out May 10.  You can order it via Amazon.com:

Amazon.com: Music: Pray For The Soul of Betty (Clean)

Also you can find out more about his band at their website:

Pray for the Soul of Betty

Tuesdays are not going to be the same.  :(

Oh.. before I forget because I almost did...

Goals today:

Walk 1 mile
Gym
Eat 1600-1700 calories

Still here

First of all I want to personally thank you guys for all your sweet comments and emails.  I'll answer the emails as soon as I can get to them; yesterday was a busier day than I intended.

I did go for a walk, which felt really good.  I weighed in - which didn't.  But now I have a starting point.  The important thing was identifying the problem before I spiraled back out of control and over 300lbs again.

I just really do not want to do that.

I stayed on course with the eating; no problems.  I discovered something about the eating every three hours thing.  You really aren't hungry when you eat.  Which means you eat less.  You take smaller portions because you're not ravenous.  And you're satisifed with them.

The only struggle I had with food yesterday was after my son Jeremiah needed to go to the Emergency Room.  He's fine, he just had some pains in his chest and stomach area.  But it was stressful - mainly because my son is a hypochondriac of the highest order and doling out money on an ER bill when I didn't know if he's truly sick OR if he just wanted attention had me completely stressed out.

For some reason that I plan on his going into therapy to identify, he has every ailment known to man.  The problem is, he's completely well when he wants to go do things that he wants to do.  If it's playing on his friend's trampoline, going over to his friend's house after school for three hours, going shopping with me so he can pester me for everything under the sun - that he's perfectly healthy to do.

When it comes time for school or chores, then all these mysterious aches and pains show up.  A lot of the things he does are reminiscent of Daniel, who had a lot of aches and pains also from having a whole bunch of injuries in his life.  I see both Jeremiah and Timothy (although Jeremiah, the younger one, is way worse about it) adopting these ailments as their own.  I wonder if it goes back to their dad more than anything that is physically wrong with them.

My plan was to get them into therapy (and myself as well) to deal with our various issues as soon as Steven's insurance kicked in, in June.  Unfortunately we got a letter from Blue Cross yesterday saying that due to a pre-existing condition that would be knocked back to October.  So here I am in the meantime wondering, is there something really wrong with Jeremiah?  Am I being a bad mother if I think that nothing is wrong?  Is it better to acrue all these medical bills just to assuage my guilt?

The problem is, when Brandon was born he had some issues that I brushed aside as no big deal and he ended up dying.  I so don't want to make that mistake again.  I honest to God thought that he would be okay until we went to the doctor, but unfortunately he didn't live long enough to do that.  I was working under the assumption that had anything been really wrong with him, they wouldn't have sent him home.  I was in the hospital for several days after I had him; surely they saw what I saw?

His breathing was uneven when he slept.  When he was awake, he was fine, but when he was asleep he would take really short, shallow breaths.  I was concerned, but not majorly because I thought maybe he was just dreaming.  It was on my list to bring up to the doctor.  We didn't get that far.  Other than that he was a great baby.  He hardly cried, he was very attentive.  He slept fine (aside from the breathing, which wasn't everytime he slept), he ate fine, had a healthy appetite.  He would look around at all of us and his world as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.  I think maybe he knew he wasn't going to be around long and just sucked in everything he could from his surroundings.

When he died and I realized that his breathing problem was a lot more serious than I thought, I felt a massive amount of guilt that I hadn't gotten help sooner.  So when Jeremiah pipes up with all his health problems, I worry I'm not taking it seriously enough.  But then I take him to the doctor and he's always fine - so I don't know.

I cannot pronounce what they said was wrong with him last night.  Basically it has to do with the cartilidge in his ribcage being inflamed.  They gave him a shot (you'd think he'd stop wanting to go to the ER or clinic, he ALWAYS gets a shot), gave him some anti-inflammatory medicine and sent us home around 2:30am.

So I just got up, he just got up (he overslept apparently).  So it's going to be one of those days where I'm running behind.

BUT I still have my goals.

The bike thing may not fit into my plans this week, but that's ok.  The main thing is that I get out there and walk.  I'd *like* to do that twice a day.  It didn't work out yesterday but I figure as long as I get one mile in a day I'm in good shape.  I'm just starting out; there's no pressure to throw everything against the wall just yet.  What worked before was slowly building up to everything.  So that's what I'm going to do.

Okay.  The weigh in.  It was 296lbs and 2oz.  Yerk.  That's an 18lb gain since August and an 11lb gain since the beginning of the year.  BUT, like I said, it's a starting point.  I am NOT, I repeat, NOT going to go back over 300lbs.  The party train stops here.

I included a head shot because, due to events with Jeremiah, I didn't get to the full body shots (someone else has to take those).  The double chin wasn't as bad as I thought - I'll take my blessings where I can.  I'm still fitting into a size 24 as far as stretchy clothes are concerned.  Everything else requires a size 26 now.  Which is about right... one size for every ten pounds.

I was going to give myself a weight loss goal by next week, but I'm not even going to think that far ahead.  I'm just going to give myself a daily goal.

I'm going to go to the park again today to walk 1 mile.

I'm going to get my calorie requirements of 1600-1700 and use Fitday to document all my food intake. 

That's it.  I can handle that.

There is nothing I can't do.  That's my battle cry for today.

And on a personal note, I just wanted to let you guys know that I love you all so much.  When I falter, you all hold me up - and I think that is the most awesome thing.  When someone says to me that they've read me for months and I inspire them to do better, be better, and to take the bull by the horns, it inspires ME.  In my weakest hours, you guys are my strength.

I love you all.  Major atta girls and boys to you all.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}

I feel like a failure

Why has this become such a struggle?  I *know* in my heart all I have to do is just do these things.  I *know* in my heart that I am capable to do these things.  I *know* in my heart I will feel bad if I don't do these things, so why don't I do it?

It's not impossible to make the right choices.  I feel better once I do make the right choices.  I like how I feel when I see the results of these choices, and yet I have consistantly made nothing but wrong choices.

I keep coming here and saying I'll do this or I'll do that, but when life happens I just sway in the wind any which way that it blows.  I used to be a tree.  Now I'm just a leaf.

And I can't even begin to tell you why.

My sister and I were going to go out of town this week as just a little getaway.  A reward, you see, for all the hard work I've done lately trying to juggle everything.  Of course, I can tell you yes, I'll be good and responsible, but I know that's a lie.  I can't even be good and responsible here, much less when I'm "indulging" myself.  I *deserve* to pamper, spoil and otherwise indulge my whims - that's what it's all about, right?

Yet I know it's not.  I've been living again for food, using it to sustain me through times when I'm stressed (and there's been lots of those) - giving into my whole deprivation psychological BS all over again.  And you know what?  It shows. 

I noticed it yesterday when I went to get my hair done.

The last two times I got my hair done I went to celebrate my weight loss.  But there was no weight loss to celebrate yesterday.  In fact, I'm about twenty pounds heavier than what I was last time I got my hair done.

I'm sitting there in that chair, looking at my bloated face in the mirror, seeing the Return of the Double Chin, and feeling gross, nasty and like the biggest failure in the world.

And there's no reason for it.  There's absolutely no reason for it.  None at all.  I know what needs to be done to lose weight; it's not that difficult - and I love the results.  Yet I'm not doing it.  Don't even ask me why.

I've squandered away yet another month I had all these big plans to change back to the way I was.  I can plan like a pro - but I suck at the follow through.

I have no excuses.  There's nothing even remotely reasonable about my backsliding.  I could blame getting sick, but the fact is I wouldn't be sick if I were taking better care of myself.  I've been shoveling crap in, of course crap is going to come out.  I could blame all these things around me but that's a crock.  Life happens.  Like I said before, I need to be a tree.  The wind can blow, but I'll remain steadfast.

If I'm so vulnerable to these things, you know what is going to happen?  I'm going to gain back what I lost and then some.  And it will be no one's fault but my own.

Weight loss journal, pffft.  This has been a lying, lazy sorry excuse for a reason to occupy cyberspace journal.  Whether I've said it or thought it, I've basically given up.  I gave up around December of last year and I have no idea why. 

What the hell is wrong with me?  Why is it so impossible for me to do these things?  Why can't I overcome that place that goes from thinking to doing?  I never used to.  I remember *vividly* telling my sister around this same time last year that if you wait for motivation to come, it never will.  You just have to make up your mind.  That's it.  Once you make up your mind, you'll do it.  Even when you don't feel like it, even when things are caving in around you.  You'll know in your heart that there is no going back.

I started this journey thinking that every step I took was leading me to my ultimate goal.  For some reason I cannot fathom, I've been losing ground.

And it's nobody's fault but my own.

And it's in nobody's control but my own to stop this behavior. 

Last year I hit a serious wall with all that mess with Steven.  I can't blame him for that - I chose how I was going to deal with it.  But it stopped my momemtum cold.  I strugged from then on.  Why?  I don't know.

I keep saying I deserve better - but I don't believe it.  If I did, I wouldn't do these things.  I'm deliberately sabotaging all the hard work that got me here.  And what I fear more than anything is that I'll reach that point I always reached before where I felt like it was so helpless I just abandoned the whole thing altogether.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

A very small, very weak thread.

Quit yer whining, Ginger - do something about it, you may be thinking.

I know that.  I *know* that.  So what is wrong with me that I cannot do it?

This isn't a condemnation of myself.  It's just an honest self evaluation.  I'm "getting real" with myself as Dr. Phil might say.

Well, the plans aren't working.   They're all nice and all but they mean diddly when I can't follow through on them.  Where I work best is taking every day as it comes.  I am a food addict retraining my brain how to deal with life and all it's challenges without my source of comfort. 

I just can't go on like this - it was anything BUT comfortable staring at that fat, fleshy face in the mirror yesterday.  I thought to myself that no one told me my double chin had returned.  No one would.  They would slip into silence as they've always done - gone were the words of encouragement and pride.  Gone was the praise. 

There was nothing but silence as I slipped back down that very slippery slope to do what I've always done - and get the results that I've always gotten.

Isn't that the definitation of insanity?

I know I'm messing up.  I know when we eat and I'm scarfing hordes of food and Steven says "I'm full" after a normal amount of food that I'm messing up.  I can feel it.  Why I'm doing it, is anyone's guess.

That whole fake it till you feel it isn't working.  Because I haven't been doing it, I've just been thinking about doing it. 

I just need to *do* it.  I'll feel better, I'll look better.  I've squandered away basically five months going backward, it's time to reverse the trend.  And the only way I will do that is to DO it. 

The good news is it will be easier to undo this damage than it was to do it.  I have gained roughly about twenty pounds since August.  If I get my crap together I could lose it in a couple of months.  I just need to take it, day by dy.

Of all the things that give me stress, this should not be one of them.  And truthfully, if I do it then I am relieving stress.  All this self sabotage is very stressful. 

So.

No promises, no plans.  Just a much needed reality check and goals for TODAY.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow, next week, Cancun, New York or making my ultimate weight loss goal.  All I have to think about is today.

And here are the goals:

Weigh in and report the weight/measurements here with photos.  It's gonna suck BUT I'm going to do it.  Hiding from this problem isn't going to make it go away, it's going to make it worse.

Go for a walk at the park.

Ride my home exercise bike for 30 mins

Get my full water requirement.

Use fitday to document my food choices, and only eat between 1600-1700 calories. (Sorry Dr. Phil, but a diet isn't what I need - getting my head together on what I eat is)

That's it.  Pretty simple for the most part.  Nothing I can't do.  Nothing that is difficult. 

I'll report tomorrow on what I've done.  I don't want to do any of it, but that's not even a consideration anymore.  I can't go back to the way things were without going back to the way that I was.

And that's unnacceptible.

I deserve better.

Day One with Dr. Phil

Well I still didn't get to the mall for a weigh in.  I ended up going and getting insurance so I'm just all kinds of legit now.  Then I was on the phone a good while with the producer, brainstorming and coming up with good notes, etc. 

Bottom line, I just didn't get around to it and ended up having to eat (I'm trying for every three hours, like Jorge Cruise suggests) and didn't want to weigh in afterwards.

So.

First day went well.  It took a big of juggling and I probably gave in when I could have been more stringent. 

Breakfast:
1 serving Shredded Wheat
1 banana
1 cup fat free milk

(I didn't get the protein in, so I added it to lunch)

Lunch:
Green Jeans salad with about half a serving of garbanzo beans, half a serving of shaved turkey and half a serving of monterey jack cheese, fat free ranch along with my free veggies
1/4 cup sugar free pudding
Iced tea (non sweetened)

Dinner:
Chicken breast with low carb (aka sugar) bbq sauce
2 cups mixed veggies (cauliflour, broccoli & carrots)
Minute Maid Lite Lemonade

Snack:
Apple

Snack:
Sugar Free jello

I need to up my water consumption and get back on my vitamins.  That's the immediate goal.  Other than that Day One, I feel, was pretty much a success.

Got a lot of walking in going and visiting different new stores.  I finally went into Steinmart and found a king size sheet set (200 count) for $20.  Took it to the register and found out that price was wrong.  It was really $13.  I couldn't believe the price. 

Since I have a car now, I may take the kids out somewhere on Saturday to get more exercise in.  We bought a membership to visit a couple of our tourist locations for free for a year.  Might as well makegood use of it. 

Meanwhile I'm gonna go work on incorporating those notes to prepare a new storyboard for the Producer.  As soon as he approves it, the rewrite begins.

This writer stuff is kinda cool.  :)

I'm Legal :)

I was nervous having to take both the written and the driving tests but I done dood it.  I'm a licensed driver again. 

It feels so good.

Almost as good as finding a fanny pack at Walmart that not only fit, but had extra give.  I never bought one before because they never fit, but a whole lot... at least four or five inches. 

This one fits just fine.  Taking it in is an accomplishment.

That's incentive to keep going. 

Thursday is my official start day.  I got my shopping done and I'm ready to roll.

I'll let you know how it goes.

 

It's a conspiracy I tellya

My sister's birthday was the other day and my mom bought her a sheet cake.  So naturally my sister wants to unload it on everyone rather than eat the whole thing herself (I can understand this).  So guess when she wants to get together and do this? 

You guessed it.  Wednesday.

Last night as I was baking the frozen lasagna I had in the fridge to get it the heck outta here so I can have no carby temptations, Steven (dear man that he is) thought ahead and brought home dinner - a casserole from Swans.

So another carby treat (blackened chicken alfredo) sits in my fridge, occupying the place the lasagna was.

I thought I had at least a week to prepare for these types of temptations on the trip.

That's what I get for thinking.

I didn't get anything done yesterday.  Mostly because I was feeling better, therefore couldn't sleep until 9am yesterday morning.  I took Nyquil, even a muscle relaxer - but nothing worked.  In fact I ended up with a headache.

I woke up at 3pm and went right to work for my ten o'clock deadline for my auctions.

After that I started storyboarding the newest draft of my script, the producer wrote today to ask if I'd come up with some ideas.  I had, and now when he calls me I can tell him in full detail. 

But of course I lost time and ended up still having work to do at 4am.

It's appropriate I'm writing a vampire script.  I'm going to bed with the sun.

But today I have to get up.  I have shopping to do and most importantly - I have a driver's license to go get.  Today's the day. 

Then I'll be unstoppable. {insert evil peel of laughter here}

So I may, repeat, may, have to put off the starting day for one more day considering I didn't get to the store today.  Just depends on when I get to the store in the wholescheme of things.

But I'm still gonna do the Dr. Phil, don't lose faith.  Even Steven is going to give it a go. 

And you know what?  I was doing the grocery budget and shocked to learn it really is going to be cheaper this way.

No I told you sos, necessary.  :-P

Ok, Dr. Phil

You have my attention.

I've toyed with the idea of trying Dr. Phil's weight loss program for a while.  I know what's involved and I am pretty sure it would be something I could maintain for the long term (not a diet per se but a new way of eating, etc).  Normally when I would think about starting it was always after I'd bought a lot of food I didn't know how to make work in the plan.

No such luck this time around, I haven't gone shopping yet thanks to my flu.

So I picked up the book again, tossed it around in the ol noggin and figured - this is doable. 

The only problem I can see is I was going to take Michelle out of town next week as a birthday getaway - and me + a vacation may spell disaster for a new eating plan.

Not necessarily, mind you, but the possibility is there.

The way I figure it, I don't want to put it off another week.  Like my commenter said, the universe was whispering to me yesterday on that Roseanne rerun.  Is it any big surprise that I've been sick as a dog off and on since I've gotten off track nutritionally?

For my health now as well as later I need to get my act together.

So.

I'm gunna do it.  Vacation or not.  I'm not going to San Antonio to eat or drink - I'm going to see the sites and have fun with my sister on a weekend girls road trip.  I don't need food or alcohol to have a good time.  And with the activities I have planned, it shouldn't be difficult to get a lot of exercise in.  I just have to deal with the restaurants.

Piece o' cake, right?

Piece o' fat free cake anyway.

So here's how it breaks down.  The first 14 days is the Rapid Start plan.  It breaks down meals thusly:

Breakfast:
1 protein
1 starchy carbohydrate
1 fruit
1 lowfat dairy

Lunch:
1 protein
2 non starchy veggies
1 fruit
1 low fat dairy

Dinner:
1 protein
2 non starchy veggies
1 fat

Snacks:
Fruit (if not eaten with meals)
low fat dairy (if not eaten with meals)
raw veggies

So a typical day might look like this:

Breakfast:
turkey bacon or sausage/canadian bacon
Shredded Wheat & Bran
1 banana, sliced
Skim milk

Lunch:
mega salad at Green Jeans (lettuce, spinach, cucumber, mushrooms, radishes, onion, tomato, green pepper, alfalfa sprouts and garbanzo beans w/ low fat dressing)

Snack:
sugar free lowfat yogurt w/ spoonful of sugar free preserves OR cottage cheese with fruit

Dinner:
Chicken breast or other type of meat/poultry/fish
Veggies like broccoli, cauliflour, squash, green beans, carrots, etc
fruit for dessert

This is completely doable. 

Add in my more manageable exercise routine (walking 6 days a week, gym 3 days a week) and you have a plan.

I like plans.  Plans are good.

So, I'll go shopping tomorrow and get everything I need to get me through the next couple of weeks and it's blast off on Wednesday.

(This means an "official" weigh in at GNC when I go get my vitamins later today.  EEEEEK is all I have to say about that)

But failure is not about falling down.

It's about staying there.

And that no longer works for me.

I deserve better.

 

Why do I do this to myself??

Nick @ Nite.

I know it's coming but I totally just let it happen anyway.

It's the Dan/Heart attack shows. 

It gets me right in the gut every single time.  And do I turn the channel?  Newoooo.

It gets me twofold... one is that I'm sharply reminded about my own Dan and his fatal heart attack, and how sad that I am (and still shocked) that he's gone.

It just seems so unreal, you know?  He was only 43.  I expected him to be strong and live a long, long life.  I never expected him to leave me.  Ever.

When Roseanne says to Jackie, "I've been with him since I was sixteen years old" - it hits home, you know?  I met Dan when I was 17 - still a kid... who had a whole lot of growing up to do. 

Thanks to him I did it. 

I wouldn't change a thing.

The second way this hits me is fear.  Fear that I'm going to be Dan one day.  That I'll be having a day like any other day and them whamo.  All my life will catch up with me in a fatal second. 

It reaffirms why I need to get serious about the weight.  I can't do it for a trip to NY.  I can't do it for a size dress.  I have to do it so that I'll see my forties, fifties, sixties and even seventies - so I won't leave behind people who will miss me as much as I miss those I've loved and lost.

I deserve a long life.  A long happy life.  And through me, in my memories, those I love will live on.

And that's what they deserve.

What a sucky day

First of all I'm still sick.  Running a fever, have a hacking cough and rattle in my chest, etc, still fighting of the nausea, etc.  I don't feel up to going rounds with anyone.

And of course what do I end up doing?

Okay.  You all know I've been writing/rewriting a project that a writer friend of mine hooked me up with way back Feb/March.  Well, this writer "friend" and I have had a tumultuous relationship at best for the last year.

Last year he reads one of my scripts, loves it, says it will get made, etc etc etc, wants to help me "polish" it so that he can get a writing credit, etc etc etc.  I was reluctant to do it, Steven says well if he has contacts, why not, as long as I get full creative control - which is what I was promised.

Of course, that isn't what happened.  This person loved loved loved my stuff until someone else criticized it, then all of a sudden *I* am an idiot.  WTF?

So when he approached me on this project I was a little wary.  It was a script he claimed to have hated, but it was a vampire script and that's what they wanted.  He hated the script so bad that he said that the professional consultant who read it and gave it a consider did so to "be nice" and drum up business.

But whatever.  So I pitch the idea, the producer wants to see it under certain specifications.  I rewrote it to those specifications and the first story I heard was that the producer was "on the fence" to send it on but there were several problems that were fixable in a rewrite.  I start on said rewrite and that's when I hear more bad news - that the production company has already done a gothic vampire love story and didn't want to do another one.  So the story I hear there is that the producer guy has an idea and wants to know if I can write it.  We get on a conference call and he tells me what he wants, we discuss things and I walk away with a good idea what he wants.

Writer friend is chomping at the bit to read what I've written so I send the first act (first 30 pages).  He tears them up, says they suck, can't tell me why - it was a day full of arguments and insults etc.  That's when he tells me that the producer guy didn't think I could pull it off and that he really wanted Writer Guy on the project.  I'm beaten down at this point and say FINE, we'll do the cowriter thing but I really do get creative control with this thing.  So he says yeah yeah yeah. 

He decides that he doesn't like a certain element of the story.  I tell him why that element is there, what purpose it serves, etc, and he says ok fine.  But every time I change anything else, he's right back harping on this element which is basically a personal preference.  I say I want it, he says he doesn't - whatever.  I'm supposed to have creative control, right?

Finally at three am the following morning after a night full of back and forth with this guy, who is very condescending (I need him, can't make it without him, can't hit dramatic beats to save my life etc) I break down and very nearly give the project over to him because I just can't take it anymore.  This was like working for my ex boss, and there's just not enough anti-psychotic drugs on the planet that would make me navigate that minefield twice. 

I hold out, he throws in the towel and it took me a day to get my stuff together to keep going with the project.  The way I looked at it, the producer guy knew that element was there and if he had a problem with it, he would have said so.  He had no problems telling me what he liked and didn't like on the phone.  This guy is a professional.  He didn't get to where he is placating some unknown writer.

Well you all know from there the guy likes this stuff.  He tells me that it's better than most vamp scripts he's read, and way better than most scripts turned in for this kind of budget.  He was very positive, very encouraging.  When he gave me his notes and I didn't agree with one of the storylines he introduced, I told him why and he was ok with that.

I had to hear from Writer Guy after that that I was just being stubborn and blowing it because I needed to listen to what the producer said.  The producer had apparently called Writer Guy and they discussed my story at length, which bothered me a little bit.  I'm the writer, I'm the one with the product - concerns should be brought up to me.  I don't think I'm being unreasonable here, but Writer Guy apparently thought so.  He says that's just the way things are done. 

Well I didn't like it so I distanced myself again from Writer Guy to pound out the draft in the week I promised the producer.  He was very pleased that I got it done, now he has more notes etc.

Well apparently the producer called the Writer Guy again today to discuss my story (this is all according to Writer Guy, btw) and apparently the producer was under the impression that I didn't make one change he had asked me to.  The thing was, I had, but I had left one reference in there to the way it was written previously on accident.  Had the producer guy talked to me about it I could have cleared it up, but I have no idea what Writer Guy said - he's turned on me before, I've no confidence that he stood up for me at that point.

When I got ticked off today when he told me he was all bent that I was upset - like I'm being a baby or something and I don't think I am.  It just makes sense to me if the producer wants to work with me that he WORK WITH ME.  Writer Guy is a fickle yes man who believes everything everyone else in the world says over me, and I don't trust that he's got my best interest at heart.  When I told him that he got all pissy and called me ignorant and that was just the last friggin straw.

I told him that we were done, I blocked him everywhere and I wrote the producer guy to tell him that Writer Guy and I have parted ways and any further notes/discussion on this story should be directed at me.  I don't know if I've totally blown what I've worked my ass off for the last month and a half but you know what?  It's not worth this.

I don't deserve to be treated like dirt just because someone else cannot learn how to conduct himself professionally.  A few days ago Writer Guy was raving over my script on how good it was, asking me to help him rewrite his own script, telling me it was time to ask for money because the story was done.  Then the producer guy points out something that isn't even a problem and his tune changes.

I'm so over it.

One day I will break down the door and get something sold.  I know now what I have to offer.  I'm good at what I do, and I don't need to be put through the wringer by someone like this for any reason whatsoever.

I'm not going to sell my soul to the devil for a thirty pieces of silver.

This girl is much smarter and much more talented than that.

And I deserve better. 

My body had a 34 year warranty

I swear, I've been sicker in the last six months than the last few years. 

Last you heard from me I was going to take a nap after taking my trusty allergy pill.  I got up feeling kinda queasy but I figured it was lack of food.  So I ate.

Come four o'clock the next morning, I was so sorry I did.

I was sick allllllllllllllllllll day yesterday.

The upside: I lost 7lbs through the process.

The downside: I ended up praying to the porceline god to do it.

Incidentally, I don't recommend this process to anyone.  Yerk.

So I went to the doctor yesterday because I literally couldn't keep down water or crackers and it turns out there is a severe stomach bug making the rounds.  I was patient #11 the doctor had seen that day.  I got a shot (I am beginning to hate that place) and came home and went back to bed.

When I got up, I managed to swill some Gatorade (double yerk) in order to get the salt/potassium levels back to normal so my legs wouldn't hurt.

I haven't gotten sick since, but I also have some Promethazine to keep the stomach virus blues at bay.

I still feel crappy, this week has been a bust - missing Tuesday's swimming lesson and probably missing today's as well.

But I'm over it.

Some very nice people have commented on my tendency to overload myself with stuff to do.  I know it's a subconscious thing I do to avoid feeling.  I must keep busy.  I must do things.  I never let myself be, because I must make myself do.

I know this - I replaced food to numb my pain with activities to numb my pain.

The swimming, though, really did have a purpose.  The swimming was my way to show Steven I was willing to step up to the plate and support him on his endeavor to win that contest and go to Cancun, since I had been rainingall over his parade about it.  I figured, that was my issue, not his and I thought it was high time I dealt with my issue.

That swimming was so difficult for me is really my problem.  There are a half a dozen people there who are trained to help me if I get in trouble, I'm the one who makes it a bigger deal than it is. 

As for college, I chose to do the college back when I didn't have the writing thing going on.  Everything just sort of collided and I've been juggling like a mad woman since then, trying to get everything I want/need to do done.

For instance:  I need to work and manage the house and the family and the money and the kids and my health.  These are necessities.

I want to get my college degree, make a writing sale and conquor my fear of swimming. 

If I've overscheduled myself to shortchange any of those things, it hasn't been on purpose.  That's why I said, I have some serious choices to make.

And for those of you perceptive people who commented that I say I deserve good things but do I really believe it, the answer would be a resounding no.  The reason I end my journal with that affirmation is to retrain my brain to believe it.  It's a "fake it till you feel it" kind of thing.

So.  Where does that leave me in the process?

Well, I don't know yet.  I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about it given the misery of yesterday.  The best I can do is tone things down a bit.  Until I get the swimming thing under control, maybe hit the gym three days a week instead of five or six.  At least I'd still be going, and I wouldn't tax myself so greatly in the process.

Maybe just go for a walk on those other days, to get in some activity.  A walk is a relaxing thing, right? 

Meanwhile I gotta fight the rest of this thing off (it's now in my chest, joy) and get some of my work done.  No writing, no gym, no housekeeping - just taking care of me and what little work has to be done.

It's going to be a slow day and I'm not going to feel guilty about it - I don't have to be superwoman, I can take time to take care of me.

Because I deserve it.

Oy...

Last week was harder on me than I realized.  Actually, it's been a tough few weeks.  But it all came to a head over the weekend, thanks to my thankless PMS.

I didn't realize how stressed out I was or why until I couldn't function anymore.  Then everything got to me.  It was really bad. 

I just have a lot on my plate, theoretically speaking.  With working, the script, the gym, the house, the kids, the husband, the college and last but not least the swimming, I have been going under for a while.

I want to do it all, but I can't without some help.  And we all know me and asking for help. 

So I got the bright idea to start switching my schedule over after missing an important paper for my college course and screwing up a work deadline.  I need to get up early - no more late sleeping.  Of course, I don't like to get up early... I don't think it's natural for me.  I don't feel alert or aware early in the morning, and no matter how tired I am I can easily stay up till past 2am no matter what time I got up in the morning.  If I get up early I can do all the menial tasks that don't require creativity or serious thought.  Everything creative I do, it happens at night.  What I do in the daytime - repetitive work tasks or housework.

Anyway, between that and the allergies and just good ol fashioned stress I haven't done squat toward my fitness goals.  One free day turned into three, easily - as they so often do.

And I can't afford that, not if I want to meet my June goals.

But I'm not going to beat myself up.  I'm going to go take a nap (thanks to my allergy medication) and try to face the day rested rather than spacey.  Otherwise there will be no gym and I'd be lying to myself and all of you if I said otherwise.

Plus tonight I have swimming class.  I'm not thinking about it so as not to freak myself out again.  Yes I'm still scared, no matter how illogical it is. 

I don't know why I decided to put myself in goal overload.  I'm trying to accomplish so much that I end up giving in on the eating/lazing off exercise stuff because I feel like "I deserve it".  (Like last night's Mongolian seafood buffet.)

In fact, over the weekend when I decided I was just going to have to cut back on what I'm trying to do, the exercise/weight loss thing was one of the items on the chopping block.

But then again so was college and writing too.  You know, basically everything I want to do rather than the things I feel like I have to do.  And let's face it, taking care of myself has never been a top priority for me.  I come last on my list, after all my many obligations.

I'm just having a hard time managing the household and the job.  With Steven's new job, he's gone 60 hours a week - so I have lost a lot of his support.  The kids are like they always are, doing the minimal even in school.  I can't seem to get them motivated.  Then my friend who also works with my sister got a great new job - good for him, not so great for us.  My sister wanted to move in a month so I thought, well I will just take back the duties I gave him temporarily so we wouldn't have to train someone just for temporary work.  (I didn't want to take on the task of training anyone, RME)

I can't believe I used to do it all the time.  No wonder I made a lot of money in years past.  I was working all the time.  Back then I wasn't trying to lose weight/write/go to school/etc.  I would sit on my ever widening behind and just toil away, my nose to the grindstone.

I can't do that anymore.  Nor do I want to.  I *want* to write.  I *want* to get my health in order.  I *want* to get my degree.

So I have some choices to make. 

And so do the people who live with me.

Because I can't do it alone.

And I shouldn't have to.

I deserve better.

A lazy Friday

I didn't make it to the gym.  I kinda needed a break.  Guess I'll have to work up to 6 days a week - but since I went five days, I guess I'm almost there.  I just needed a veg day.  But today I'm back with the program.

I didn't weigh in yesterday (because the scale is at the gym), but I did do measurements.  I lost 3.5 inches last week, so yayyyyy me.  That leaves me about 24.5 inches away from my NYC goal.   (that's a guestimate, considering I don't know how the much the measurments for middrift/girth/thigh etc in the smaller sizes are)

I started to wonder if maybe I'm overdoing it at the salad bar.  It's good stuff, but maybe I'm eating too much of it?  I just figured out the calculations on fit day and it turns out I was eating approximately what I thought I was eating (around 500 calories), so it's all good.  The only reason it's that high is that I add a small bowl of chili and a half a slice of cornbread to the salad.  It's $6.85 for all you can eat, but I only eat one plate of salad and one bowl of chili.  That's progress for someone like me, who always wanted to eat a lot to "get my money's worth".

Which reminds me, I caught a bit of Supersize Me yesterday and they were talking about how the "supersize" revolution has contributed to the obesity epidemic in America and it got me to thinking about a few things.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous to sue McDonalds for obese kids.  The parents have a choice to take them there and they have a choice what to buy there when they get there.  We all have choices, it just seems stupid to me to make a bad choice and then blame someone else for offering that choice.

McDonalds has been around for, what?, 50 years?  Why then has obesity "just started" to gain momentum?

Well that's when they brought up another point.  McDonalds markets to kids and young adults.  From the Happy Meal to the "I'm Lovin It" campaign, they appeal to younger type folks and have for years.  Now those same kids are adults who get to choose their food PLUS food for their kids.  

And let's face it - it's cheaper to eat badly.   I know when I have a gaggle of kids to feed it's cheaper to get burgers and pizza than it is to buy a salad for each one.  What is on their dollar menu as opposed to their fancy salads?  And there is the supersize factor, where you can end up eating a huge quantity of stuff that is bad for you for just a few pennies more (soda/fries).  

Another point raised was how obesity threatened to topple tobacco as the leading cause of preventable death in the US, but yet it's totally acceptible to target smokers and yet political incorrect to target overweight people.  I never looked at them as the same thing, but I guess they kind of are.  The main difference for smoking vs. overeating - someone at my table smoking affects me personally no matter if I choose to smoke or not.  Overeating is a pretty self destructive habit.

Although points have been raised in the press lately about how the medicare system will have to pay for the medical reprocussions as the obese adults of this generation start to hit retirement age.

It was a lot of food for thought, to pardon the pun. 

I still think it's stupid to sue someone else for your bad choices, but I do understand where the frustration comes from.  However, it's not McDonalds' responsibility to police our food choices.  They offer choices, it's up to us to make the right ones.  And if the kids clamor for Happy Meals or the teens clamor for Micky D's, it's the parents' responsibility to show them how to make healthier substitutions.  I believe Wendys has paved the way offering fruit with their kids meals, giving parents options.

And as always, that's what it all boils down to.  Yeah, maybe it's more expensive to eat out "correctly", but that kind of limits how much you eat out in the long run.

Which may be the best step to take toward life long weight management.

I'm just really glad I found a place like Green Jeans that I can make a healthier choice without breaking the bank.

I got an inspiration last night to tweak a couple of the scenes from my script so I wrote the producer and asked that he after read it we could discuss those changes before he sends it on.  He wrote back to say he already did send it on.  This means he trusts my writing enough to send it on without reading it himself now, and that's a big deal.  A really big deal.  

This last week has been so surreal.

It's good... but it's surreal.

Now I gotta get some "real" work done so I can hit the gym later.  I'm trying to flip my schedule and Saturday nights are pretty good nights to do it.  Keep your fingers crossed I won't need a nap LOL

Nothing to fear but fear itself

I noticed something yesterday on Wednesday.  I did fine after I got into the water on Tuesday and really felt like it was something I could eventually conquer.  But on Wednesday I started to freak out - thinking that the next steps I would inevitably have to take would be hard and terrifying.  I nearly talked myself right out of going to another lesson.

Then my sister gets a cold.  She's taking the classes with me.  Not because she can't swim, but because she wants to be moral support for me.

So I think, well I'm going to have Steven go.  That'll work.

He had to work late.

Fortunately reason won over paranoia and I went - and this girl, terrified silly of water, dunked completely under (holding my nose, let's not get crazy) at least ten times and conquered floating enough to use the kickboard.

With the help of my instructor (who has the patience of a saint) and my son Jeremiah (and eventually Steven) I used the kickboard to kick my fins from one side of the training pool to the other no less than ten complete times (one there and back). 

I didn't make it to the gym today, but I am not worried at all that I missed anything.  I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooore.  I was in the water 2 whole hours.

So the trick is, don't think about it.

That applied only to the swimming - for the writing I had to totally think about it.  Using the storyboard technique I banged out my rewrite and it's off to the producer as promised.

It's been quite a week of accomplishments.

If I pat myself on the back much longer I may throw my arm out of socket.

But you know what?

I'm worth it.

And so are you. 

Embrace your full potential today.  Because YOU. ARE. AWESOME.

 

Photo Update

Because this has been a week of facing fears, here's the photographic proof.

Measurements:

          Beginning        Present
Bust           54                49
Waist         50                42
Hips           55                49
Thigh          30                25
Middrift     54                44
Girth          67                52

I actually bought this today at Ross - which I never before shopped at because I didn't think they'd have my size.

I can shop at Ross now - this is dangerous territory.

Poor Steven - just as he gets a good job I become a clothes horse. 

Short and sweet tonight guys - I have a script to write. 

Rode 30 mins on the bike
30 mins leg work, weights
60 crunches

No "official" walk but we went to Target and Ross, so I'd say I easily got it in. 

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming

As Dory would say.

Tonight was my first swimming lesson.  I cannot tell you how terrified I was to get into that water.  It's a phobia that runs deep, almost as deep as being in a bathing suit in front of a pool full of people.  :-O

Anyway, I managed to float on my own (while still holding onto the side), learn how to kick, managed to blow some bubbles and dunked my face three times - that was the big thing.

I'm working up to dunking completely under.  :-O

My arms are butter.  I'm sure that despite I wasn't actually "swimming" I worked out pretty good for the hour I was in the pool. 

I did get to the gym today, did everything but the crunches because the mat never was empty. 

I didn't get to the park either but from the way my arms feel, I think I did okay anyway.

We found a new restaurant called Green Jeans, which is an extensive salad bar.  I load up on all the free stuff and just get a tiny bowl of anything that isn't good for me.  It's $5 for all you can eat, which is better than me spending all that money on produce I'll never take the time to cut up for salads at home.  It was a goldmine, needless to say.

Anyway I'm going to hit the hay.  Tomorrow is no less busy, it'll be heavy on writing whereas I've spent a lot of time today doing my "real" job. 

To sum up I'm not officially swimming yet, but closer than I've ever been.

I'm not officially sold yet, but closer than I've ever been.

It's been an eventful few days.

Time to go soak in hot water.

A busy day in store

Monday ended up being my free exercise day because of unforeseen developments (which I will go into later), so I'll do it on Saturday instead.  Which will make me feel better about being bad on Saturday.  And, to be quite honest, I don't want to go to the gym on Mondays anyway - too crowded.  I hate fighting for machines.

Plus I have entirely too much to do.  I heard from the producer yesterday.  Turns out, he had sent it on to his associate.  Guess what?  They both like it.  I have both their notes to finish what will essentially be the "polish" - they say polish but I think enough is changing that another rewrite may in fact be necessary.  Either way, it was an eventful day.

The producer I've been corresponding with was very positive when we spoke on the phone.  He said that I did a great job on the first draft which was so much better than the scripts he normally reads about vampires - (he also went on to say it was better than most scripts turned in for this kind of budget, and said with that alone it should be a "great little flick").  He said I was imaginative and had unique ideas and great dialogue.  He liked that I got him a good product quickly - I think he was shocked by it.  I know I was.

He also said how he could film one particular scene to make it scary, which did make it scary, which is how I'll write it now.  He had some suggestions, we had some discussions and I think the end result will be better than what it is now (which, according to the producer's associate, in the producers hands "we have a movie already".)

All excellent news.  I'm pretty close, y'all.  Now I just have to trust my instincts and bang out this rewrite/polish by Friday like I promised him.  I know I can do it - but it's going to involve a lot of dedication on my part, but I have it in me.

It's my time.

I have some extra work to do with my job and plus there's Boot Camp and swimming lessons - but I'm going to schedule my time to fit it all in. 

I can do this.

Because I deserve this.

BTW, I did good on the food even though I didn't exercise, I found a great salad bar/healthy restaurant I'll tell you about tomorrow.  Right now it's working and writing.  That way my afternoon and evening will be free to exercise and swim.

Swim!  EEEK.

 

Letters from Boot Camp, day 3

Did good on calories today even going to the new ice cream store, Cold Stones.  I had their sinless sweet cream ice cream (fat free, sugar free) with strawberries and bananas.  It was tasty and guilt free.  I love it when those two collide like that.

I went to the gym today.  Did 30 mins of weight training on my chest/shoulders, 30 mins on the bike, 50 crunches and then another mile lap around the park.  I was really surprised that I was able to ride the full 30 as sore as I was, but I managed to push on through the pain.

I went to Walmart for a beach towel and flip flops for the pool.  They light up... I nearly squealed like a little girl.  I needed something to help me deal with the gnawing terror in the pit of my stomach at the swimming lessons.

Yes, I admit it.  I'm a weinie.  I know in my logical, rational mind that there is nothing to fear.  I know that I should embrace this new experience and all the doors it will open.

But all I can think of is a paper bag to breathe into when I think of being in that water.

When I was a kid my dad was way older than my mom (by about 30 years) and my mom never learned any of those fun kid things like riding bikes or climbing trees or swimming - so naturally I didn't either.  The only reason I learned to ride a bike was I got on a bike and taught myself.

I think that's where my fierce independence comes from. 

When it came to swimming I let a friend try to teach me at age 14.  Turns out she didn't believe me when I said I couldn't swim and left me out in the middle of the deep end, thrashing around and basically drowning long enough to instill a very deep seated fear of the water/drowing and death.

Since then I haven't really trusted anyone enough to teach me.  I can't give up that control.  So the thought I'm going to do that again now terrifies me.  Seriously. 

But I'm gonna do it.  Feel the fear and do it anyway, right?

One more day....

Can any of you hear my knees knocking??

 

A more detailed summary

Yesterday was short and sweet because I was FEELIN THE BURN.

It took several hours to kick in but when it did, boy it did.  I needed a pain killer to get to sleep.  It was harsh.

But I felt good.

I don't have a calorie count because I went out to the Golden Corral to eat, but of the calories I could count it was under 500, so I know I didn't blow it yesterday.  I did my basic buffet strategy - eat a big green salad before and then just sample a spoonful or less of "real" food.  The worst thing I ate was a roll. 

This is a big deal because they had all you can eat fried shrimp.  A weakness of mine. 

I had five.  (patting back)

Even my dessert was sugar free blueberry pie. 

I even got away with low calories on my lemonade because they had Minute Maid Lite. 

It was a good night out.

As for the workout, I did 30 mins on the exercise bike.  It surprised me, I didn't think I could hold out.  But I did and it felt great to know I still could.  Apparently I'm not as out of shape as I thought - I went on to do about 40 mins of weight training (I went back down to two sets of 12 reps, I'll work up to more) and 50, yes 50, crunches.  I didn't even feel it until 48.  Then we went to the park and walked about a mile and a quarter to get that full 30 mins in.

Even though my legs (which is what I worked out yesterday) burned a little during some of the exercises, I was so amazed how little I felt the workout I did.  I wondered if I had done it properly.

Then last night, it all kicked in.  I guess my body went through shock at having done the full routine so the pain was a delayed reaction.  Now everything from the waist down hurts. 

It's a good hurt.  I'm just glad I have today off LOL.

But tomorrow it's back to the grind. 

I realized yesterday when I took measurements (which I hadn't done in about two months) that I had gained 9 inches on the five places I measure.  No wonder those clothes were such a tight fit at Penneys.  There was no getting out of exercise yesterday when I saw that.  Even when the pounds don't move I've always managed to lose inches.  I refuse to backslide.  Refuse.

It's a three month boot camp - 40lbs or 4 sizes (which is about 14 inches) - or bust.

Because I deserve it.

*note, I will do the photos here shortly.  I didn't do the body comp either because Abel wasn't in yesterday.  I'll probably correspond the two in the coming week.

Nightly check in

Calories - Check.
Gym - Check.
Walk - Check.

Inches up, pounds up... but I'll get into that more later.  Either way, I am reversing the trend.