Wednesday, January 5, 2005

An Epiphany

Yes I know it's 3am.  I've been up since about 1am after having dropped into bed at 9pm yesterday. 

Quite frankly I'm tired of being tired.  I couldn't figure it out.  I'm not sick, I got over the flu last month.  Unfortunately not getting rest also comes with it feeling under the weather.  I've had stomach problems you wouldn't believe.  Headaches on top of headaches.  Generally feeling icky.

Yesterday I went to the mall to get the walk in, trying my level best to meet my goals at least part of the way.  As I'm walking around the mall I feel fuzzy headed and nasty, as though disconnected from the world around me.

I also felt ticked off that I couldn't eat, and I was starving.  I decided then that walking the mall on a diet is surely one of the nine levels hell.


That's when it hit me.  A diet.  That's what I am on.  Despite knowing that diets don't work, I'm on a severely restricted diet that leaves me feeling deprived and out of sorts.

When I woke up today it dawned on me.  I was hungry.  I put two and two together and finally realized where my sleeping problems began.  My lack of sleep has plagued me since I started this 1400 calorie diet, which I only started so I wouldn't feel so bad about not exercising. 

Instead I'm losing sleep, which doesn't help weight loss at all (and in fact hinders it).  I'm gaining inches, I'm gaining weight.  The home scale showed me losing down from 285.5 to 283 initially, then yesterday it was back up to 288.

Plainly speaking, this ain't working.


What will work is to diet less and exercise more.  My body is reacting badly because I'm starving it.  It needs a certain amount of calories per day, and I'm not doing it any favors by denying it the fuel it needs.

Starving myself to see results doesn't make me too much different than thoseyoung girls on the pro anorexia board on myspace.  They are so excited to meet their goals of 400 calories today and revel in the lightheaded empty feeling I fought my way through yesterday to get things done.  I literally felt like I was fighting my way through a cloud.


Dieting doesn't work.  I know that.  I keep focusing on the food when really I need to get my act together with exercise.  I dealt with my emotional issues last year, I dealt with learning how to eat better and make smarter food choices.  What's left is the exercise.

I need to deal with it.  Ever since last year around this time I've struggled with it.  Last year I lost a bulk of weight (from 330 to 300) within about three months by exercising every day.  I walked without fail, I rode the exercise bike even when it wasn't in my house and I was on that Pilates ball every other day - no excuses.

From November to January I lost about as much weight as the entire year since then.  And I have no one to blame but myself.  I got lazy.  Plain and simple. 


I can meet my weight loss goals if I just get over myself already and get back in the swing of things.  This isn't about being thin, it's about being healthy.  And the way I've been doing things isn't healthy.  I bet when I weigh in on the Tanida we'll see that I've lost muscle mass by this little starvation routine I've put myself through.

Right now as I'm typing I feel sick to my stomach and shaking like a leaf because I am not nourishing myself.  I'm starving myself for a weigh in, and what's happening is I'm wrecking it by being stupid.

And I'm certainly not doing my body any favors. 


It's time to stop talking about things and just getting them done.  There is no try.  There is do or do not.

I haven't being doing it.  I don't know why.  Well that's not entirely true.  I have an idea why.

I'm fighting depression.  December-January is always really tough on me mentally.  I really get a bad case of Stick-My-Head-in-the-Sand-itus.  I just want to find a nice secluded hole to hide in where I can lick my wounds and feel really sorry for myself.

And it's comeplete bullsh*t.  Excuse the language but that's just what it is.  I need to get over myself and realize no one in the world gets a free ride.  We all have to deal with our demons.  I should count my blessings rather than focus on the negative.

There are so many people out there who have major problems - like those people in Asia who just endured unspeakable horror with the Tsunami.  I can't keep going on like the Universe owes me something because I've lost those that I have loved.  I'm not honoring anyone by doing that - and I'm making myself into something I cannot stand.  A victim.


My strength is this:  Whatever doesn't work, I can and do change.  This ain't workin, so it's time to start changin. 

My new mantra is to diet less and exercise more.  I'm going back up to 1800-2000 calories and there will be no more excuses with the exercise.  Every time that inner con woman starts to tick off the reasons why I can't exercise I'm going to take control.  I know I'm capable of these things.  I just need to put what I know into what I do.

I know I've become a bit of the boy who called wolf.  I keep saying I'll do all these things and then I blow it all off.  That's not the woman of integrity I know I can be.  So no more promises.  No more projections.  I'll post at night with what I've done, and let that speak for itself.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.  Like I said I'm hanging on by my fingernails, but I'm not going to stop now.  I'll do what I know needs to be done.

There's no hiding from it anymore.


pinkplumeria82 said...

Walking at the mall on a diet unable to eat is hell.. You've done such a wonderful job so far! It's only human to loose the grasp of everything here and there! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, have a healthy snack, and take that adorable pug for a walk around the block!
I love reading your journal.. It has really opened my eyes on a lot of things and has even inspired me to do my own.. It really does help to have a place to talk about it.. :)

derasta said...

Excersise really is the key here...years ago when I started an aerobics program for myself the weight just melted off of me and I was eating a good amount of food...I didn't count calories, just made good food choices and excersised. I wish I could get back into that routine now

dolcecaramela05 said...

Your absolutely right, I've seen some of those ana girl's journal/blogs too, and its disturbing,  very disturbing, they really made me reassess how I think about weight loss, cuz I dont wanna  ever be like that. You shouldnt feel like your walking on air or in a daze,  how i now think about food is  that I need it for energy, so eat, and eat things that are healthy-- fruits and veggies are more filling, but you should still eat  enough to maintain yourself for the entire day. Maybe 1400 cal will be right for you in the future because as you lose weight, you will need less to keep you going. Kicking up the excercise idea. Your Quote of the Day should be-- Just Do It! Know that even when you feel yucky, you still inspire me  :-)


irisflower02 said...

Exercise...ahhhh, yessss.  Remember when I first started my weight loss journey and I started going to the gym?!?  Yikes was that scary!!!  Then they put me on the treadmill and I could only do 3 minutes, walking at a embarassing!!!  Then they had me using the weight machines and I was so uncoordinated at first that I felt like such a geek!!!  I hated the treadmill, considering it something nigh unto hell on earth!  I liked the machines, but in order to get the full benefit out of the machines I had to do the treadmill first.  Boy, what a prison sentence that felt like!  Then something happened...the "e" word...ENDORPHINS!  I increased one minute on the treadmill each time I went to the gym, added weights little by little on the machines, and pretty soon I started feeling that endorphin rush as I was leaving the gym....something I don't ever remember experiencing before in my entire life.  Then I did some reading about endorphins and resistance training and the burning of calories even after your workout was over and boy did I like that thought! (sit and watch TV and burn calories...woohoo!!!  LOL)  I know you know what I'm talking about because I read your journal entry where you talked about this very thing...the endorphin "drug"...heheheeeee   You're need to be eating a few more calories and exercising a bit more....(to be continued...AOL said I wrote too much...LOL...I'll just outsmart them and make TWO comments!  LOL ROFL...brb) ~ Nan

irisflower02 said...

Ok, I'm back...part I was saying...
It's tough, I know, to make yourself exercise.  Boy do I know it!!!  I go to the gym before work and sometimes it's still dark out and I wish I was still in bed!  But I've started to feel too good to skip my workout. If I'm tired in the morning and start telling myself to just not go to the gym, I remind myself that I won't feel tired after I work out...I'll feel great!  And it won't just be the will be knowing that I truely accomplished something and am making a better life for myself.  I started off with 3 min on the treadmill...I'm now up to 25!  I started out with about 5 minutes on 3 weight machines, now I'm up to 30 minutes on 6 weight machines, with increased weight too!  Just take some little steps to get yourself back on track with the on and don't give up...and I know that soon you'll be an exercise queen!  heheheee  You can do it!!!  *BIG HUGS* ~ Nancy :-)

libgal81 said...

Sweetie, you are 100% correct.  "Dieting" is not only generally ineffective, but it is downright dangerous to your health much of the time.  Yo-yo dieters are something like 50% more likely to suffer from a major heart attack at some point in their lives than people who simply eat good, nutritious foods and get a moderate amount of exercise.

Now, I am changing my eating habits, but the changes have actually forced me to eat MORE than I used to, which is really good (because I am an habitual meal-skipper), but cutting calories, unless you have a big problem with overeating, is not going to help.

If you are looking for ideas for healthy things to eat that won't leave you feeling deprived, I've been listing my daily meal plans on my journal, so check it out.  What you said is mostly true, but remember, 80% of losing weight and having a healthy body with muscle definition is NUTRITION--but this doesn't mean starving yourself--it means feeding yourself high quality foods all day long.

Keep it up, and I hope you feel better soon!