Stuck in the mud

It happens every year around this time, waiting for the tax stuff to come in so we can get our refund.  The waiting game sucks, especially when I just feel so stagnant in every area of my life.

Granted I'm only there because of my poor choices, but it sucks just the same.

Friday I got an email from my financial advisor for my college courses.  I started two weeks ago but they're just now telling me that they need to see a signed copy of my income tax return for last year within 48 hours or else it's going to seriously delay my financial aid.

Of course it is.

She says it's a random thing they only do to 30% of their loan applicants.  Joy of joys, I happen to be one of the lucky 30%.

 

Normally this wouldn't be an issue BUT we can't find a copy of our tax return.  We had it last year to fill out student aid forms but it has since come up missing.  I could call the IRS but that would take weeks to get here.  I go online, since I always do my taxes online, thinking surely they would have a copy - and they don't.

So I spend Friday afternoon, sick as a dog, online for an hour or better trying to find out what happened to the copy from online.  They assure me they're going to send me a link with the information, but I've yet to receive it.  Meanwhile the clock is ticking down.

And meanwhile I'm stressing about money.  The grant money won't eve cover half of what I now owe for these two classes I'm taking.  What I thought would be a little buffer, has now become an even bigger deficit.

Hence me being up at 5am.

 

Sometimes I think I should just change my name to Murphy.  Guaranteed, if something can go wrong, it will.  And I don't mean that to sound as self pitying as it probably does, but it just seems like things that should go fine with no problems always but always have problems. 

I'm so tired of struggling.  Honest to God.

I sat there in bed and thought, well, when I get my car I can just get a second job.  I'll just squirrel money away like there's no tomorrow and in a year I won't be this bad off.  Pay off the courses before I even graduate... be ahead of the game for once.

I could do it now without the car, the car just would make it easier.  And God forgive me but I'd like ONE thing in my life to be easier.  I feel like I'm running a marathon 365 days of the year.  I've accepted that I can't have everything I want money wise.  I've accepted that the roads of health and fitness and even occupation-wise (writing)  I've chosen are very difficult.  I know I have to make up for a bunch of bad decisions and rebuild my life from the ground up.

I'm okay with that.

But does EVERYTHING have to be a struggle?

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know.  Go talk to a counselor. 

If only it were so simple.  It just seems like one more thing I am going to have to struggle to do. 

Struggle, struggle, struggle.  BAH!  I'm tired of it.  My shoulders are just not wide enough.

I don't doubt my strength, not for a moment.  I'm still on my feet, wobbly, but still standing.  Like the Eagles say I'm kinda bent but I ain't breaking.  I know I will get through it.  I know I will survive.

 

I'm just sick of simply "surviving".  I want to excel.  I want to accomplish.  I hate just pulling myself over the finish line, surviving by the skin of my teeth.  Maybe I'm trying to do too much at once. 

That all comes back to stagnation.  I'm 35 years old, I feel I've been inactive too long.  The clock is ticking.  I may have thirty years more to accomplish what I want, or I may have less than ten.  Less that five.  Who knows?  No one knows.  I keep thinking back to Daniel and the things he planned on doing - well Mortality had other plans.  Guess who wins?

I don't want to die regretting I didn't do what I wanted to do.  So like waking from a coma all my adult life I'm juggling everything, praying that I won't lose one ball.

Can I do it?  Sure.  Can I do it well?  Welll.... that's the big question, isn't it?

 

I need to structure my life.  I need to budget my time and energy.  Especially with this new Oprah challenge coming up.  I have to organize and prioritize.  I need to remind myself life isn't a race to be won.  It's a journey.  And I'm missing just as much of it overdoing things as I was underdoing things. 

I'll work on a plan and get back to you.  Those are going to have to be my goals.  Not the things I can't control, but those things which I can. 

I can't control if I sell a book.  I can't even control if I lose weight - I can do everything right and still not meet my own expectations, it happens all the time.

What I CAN control is spending time on writing and getting published.  What I CAN control is eating better and moving.

And I CAN control my attitude.

It may suck I have to struggle, but thank God I have the strength to fight the good fight. 

This girl doesn't give up. 

Like Dido says, "Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door."

 

I may be stalled.  But I'm not done.

The Oprah Challenge

You know what?  I think I'm ready.

I'm sitting here thinking of all the food I want to eat before I can't eat it anymore, and there really aren't any.

There's nothing I'm going to be brokenhearted to lose. 

That's progress.

 

Another Atta Girl moment... remember how the measuring tape couldn't fit around me last year?  Now it fits around me AND Steven.  THAT is too cool for words.

The scale may not show a great big loss, but the tape doesn't lie.

 

I do like Celebrity Fit Club I've decided.  They are really good about seeing where body composition might be changing, so they are very encouraging when the stats are lower than they expected.  I like that, and I can support it. 

The person who gained 12lbs was indeed not eating properly because he had quit smoking.  So therefore it wasn't due to muscle gain or water retention.

 

One thing they do that I favor is they set goals.  So I decided I'm going to set a goal weight loss for this Oprah Fit Club.  And we're going to be realistic about it too.  I'm going to lose 30lbs.  Ten pounds a month is pretty attainable I think  And it's going to be fat that I lose.  Even if the scale says I haven't lost but ten pounds OR that I've even gained, that will be all muscle baby.

This program requires 8 workouts a week.  There is NO WAY I'm going to gain fat this way.  No way. 

This week has been a total bust because I've just been wretchedly sick.  Jeremiah now has it and I worry Steven may be coming down with it to.

But that's okay.  No matter what I weigh in on February 7 (that's Day One),I'm going to be 30lbs lighter on May 7.

 

This will mean that I'm going to be in Boot Camp even if we take our spring getaway.  That oughta be interesting.  That will be a huge test right there.  Can I really be "on vacation" and stay on task?

Only time will tell. 

I'ma gonna hate myself in the morning.

Okay, you all know I've been floundering trying to find my place in this weight loss journey.  Things that used to work aren't working anymore, OR I've just lost heart in the journey.  Stagnation tends to do that and I'm just sick and damned tired of not being able to get below 278. 

So I'm ready to do something drastic.

I've been looking for help.  I was thinking about LA Weight Loss, but money comes into play.  I really can't afford to spend hundreds of dollars on a program.  So I started looking at Dr. Phil's diet program. 

I think I need something more, policed as it were.

Lo and behold when I go to Oprah.com, she's going to start something called Oprah's Boot Camp on February 7th.

 

Boot Camp.  That sounds daunting doesn't it?  Because it is!  We're talking a month without all the stuff that makes my toes curl with delight.

Yep, you guessed it.  Carbohydrates.  Nothing white, and no grains either.  It'll be veggies, protein and fruit - and that's it.

I may not want to live the rest of my life like that, but I can live a month that way.  The two months that follow that initial month I can have grains as well, which is an eating program I can get behind.

 

I have to admit it bothers me.  I don't like the low carb lifestyle, I don't think it's healthy and I don't like how I feel on it (deprived, sluggish, cranky) - I'm willing to give it a month of my life in the hopes that whatever is wrong with my body chemically will be changed and I won't hold onto this weight or bad habits anymore.  If I can live without refined foods, processed foods and sugar for a month, then I can learn a whole new way to eat better and healthier for the longterm.  (I still maintain whole grains and fruits and veggies are a part of that healthier life)

The one thing I WILL get out of this is getting off my butt and moving.  Her workout regimen is just as stringent as the eating regimen.  Six days of resistance training for 20 mins a day, and five days of 30 mins cardio with one day at one whole hour of cardio.

 

I'm not looking forward to it, to be honest BUT I look up to Oprah and for me to commit this to her puts a whole lot more accountability on me.  I want to be able, at the end of three months, to write Oprah a letter saying I lost XX pounds and XX inches.  I want before and after photos to give to her.  I want to be able to have one of the people I look up to most in the world to be able to be proud of what *I* accomplished.

My ego is on the line.

And talk about your integrity.  What better test of integrity could there be?

 

What I will do is journal each and ever painful step using this blog as an instrument of postive growth.  Instead of bitching and moaning I'm going to turn this blog into a gratitude journal.  I'll start listing things that build me up, not tear me down.

Life is all about perception.  I can be happy or I can be depressed.  It really IS my choice.  I'll start littering this place with Atta Girls to pat myself on the back and build myself up. 

It's time to turn off that negative chatterbox.  What an insidious malicious little saboteur that thing is. 

It's time to re-read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway cover to cover. 

 

Three months.  That's all I have to get through.  And who knows?  I used to think I couldn't get through a day with Pepsi and I got over that addiction.  I can do this - I can do anything. 

Maybe this is just the thing to remind me of that very important fact.

If anyone is interested in joining this, let me know. 

T-minus ten days and counting....

So sick of being sick

I'm convinced it's bacterial.  I think I may need to get antibiotics in order to get over this whatever it is I have.  Today even though I couldn't exercise, I couldn't eat either.  So I guess with every black cloud...

Anyway, I was reading an article by the trainers from The Biggest Loser.  While I wasn't happy by the competitive nature of the show, the article was much, much better.  And it just showed me something.  I can trust my instincts.

Everything I have done or am doing (currently mixing up my caloric intake every few days or so) they suggested, so I know I'm on the right track.

I've just got to learn to trust myself.  All this stress to be Miss Dieter Perfect is counter productive.  I know what to do, I've been doing it.  The results are obvious.  I've lost 6" so far this month, and that's pretty good if I do say so myself. 

It's not always ideal but neither is life.  I just need to be easier on myself.  The only person putting this pressure on me is me.  And I need to quit.

So I'm gonna just chill, allow my body to become strong again.  I'm going to take some me time and just relax, allow time to heal and get well.

Once I'm 100%, I'm back on the horse.  I'm not even really off the horse now.  I'm living life the way most people do when they're sick.  They take it easy and don't push themselves too hard.  The time to meet and go beyond my limits will come.

Right now, I'm just going to take some advice from Steve Perry and Be Good to Myself.

Today's DAILY AFFIRMATION comes from an eating disorder website that encourages those with eating disorders (including those such as binge eating/emotional overeating) to GET REAL.  A couple of these apply to those who suffer from anorexia or bullemia, but the others definitely apply to those of us on the other side of the coin.  I think it's important that we as women learn to separate our identity from our bodies, that's why I highlighted #3.  It's the one that speaks loudest to me, personally.

10 Things You Can Do to Get Real

1. Create a list of all the things you like about who you are - read it and add to it often.

2. Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from participating in activities that you enjoy.


3. Become aware of what your body helps you do each day. Remember that it is the instrument of your life, not just an ornament.


4. Think about all of the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently waste worrying about your appearance. Try one!


5. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.


6. Remind yourself: Life is too short to waste time hating your body!


7. Consciously choose to avoid making comments about other people or yourself on the basis of body size or appearance.


8. Enjoy your favorite meal without feelings of guilt or anxiety over calories and fat grams.


9. Throw out the diet products in your house (e.g. fat-free cheese, diet pills, the scale).


10. Eat when you are hungry. Rest when you are tired. Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty. Get Real.
 

 

Sigh.

I'm sick.

A-gain.

I'm so tired of being sick.  I can't even tell you. 

I blame the weather for just not being able to shake the flu.  It's cold one day and warm the next, and with dust storms and wind storms there just hasn't been the opportunity to get a leg up on wellness.

I don't know if I need antibiotics or not, with us no longer being insured I don't really have the $$ to find out. 

But we may end up spending $$ to find out. This is getting ridiculous.

 

I do have a goal though for February 1st, since I already met the 3" goal (yayyy!).  I'd like to aim for 10" for the month of January.  So this means, sick or not I have GOT to get my booty out of the house and moving again.  It's going to be fairly nice in the next few days (with rain due on Thursday - joy), so I'm going to try my able bodied best to get moving. 

Goals are good, I've decided.  Unattainable goals are bad, but simple goals are good. 

I'm going to do my work tonight, take some Nyquil and go back to bed.  I'm trying to sleep this crap off. 

Tomorrow tho, it's time to take Mr. Man to the park.  We're only going to walk a mile and then we're going to go to the gym.  That is my exercise goal for tomorrow.  Barring coughing up a lung, I'm going to get through it.

 

I'm still seriously considering LA Weight Loss.  I'm hesitant, because it does cost money.  I've been doing it on my own BUT I think I'm at that point where I need help - obviously.  Interestingly, they are hiring right now and Steven is going to check it out.  Since we won't have the extra money until next month anyway, maybe he can see what it's all about before I have to commit any money to it.

I'm also hesitant because it's a "diet" and you all know how I feel about diets.  It just depends on how realistic it is.  From the commercials, which is about all I know so far, it sounds like it's realistic, like they teach you how to eat well with your own food rather than supplement your meals with their products. 

I'll have to look into it some more I think.  Best to make an informed decision.

 

I'm excited about school so far.  Despite my 84% on my grammar exercises I've got a perfect score so far in both classes.  This is very cool. 

What's even cooler is that I had a poor grade in one aspect (4 out of 10) and when I responded to the teacher's "Do you think you explained this adequately" with, "Well my first thought was that I did.  My second thought is that I may have missed the mark considering my grade."  I went on to explain one of the things she had a question about, and she changed the grade to 10 out of 10. 

That was pretty decent. 

College life is interesting!

 

I've also been re-reading Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.  Just bits and pieces, mind you, but it's slapped me hard in the face that I've slipped considerably.  She says that living a positive life takes practice.  I've slacked off in more than just diet and exercise, and it could very well be that because I slipped back into negative thinking that I've slipped back into negative behavior.

In fact, that makes a whole lot of sense.

SO, toward that end it's time to incorporate daily affirmations again.  Even if it's the same thing day after day, that's okay.  I need to remind myself that:

DAILY AFFIRMATION:  I am strong and capable and I deserve good things.

Because I forget that way too easily.  And I need to get over that, seriously.

To channel Stuart Smalley, "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enought, and doggoneit, people like me!"

Goal #1 Met

Yesterday I found myself down 3 inches.  So yay me!  That means I've lost 6 inches in the month of January.  Not too shabby if I do say so myself.

And given yesterday was a "free" day I don't think I did too badly. 

Even better, I felt like crap - like I ate too much.

So next "free" day should be even better.

 

I'm not doing as well in class as I'd like.  Of course, perfectionist me, I want to ace everything.  Getting a 64 out of 70 doesn't seem so hot to me.  I guess it could be worse. 

I did some grammar exercises and thought I'd sail right through them, no problems.  Turns out I don't know half as much as I thought I did.  I got an average of 84% on nine exercises.  My arrogance was taken down a notch or two, definitely.

So this means I need to edit the book YET again.  Woo hoo.  Fun times.

But hey, if it means a sale I'm all for it.

 

Aside from that, not much going on but work and school today.  Unfortunately I can't eat "clean" because of lack of funds, hopefully that will come in shortly.

The clock is ticking REALLY slow on getting Steven's W-2s in so we can file our income taxes.  Probably because I'm going to use the refund to get mobile, and I really am itching for that.

Once I get the car, there are no more excuses for not going and doing.  I won't be a slave to Steven's schedule anymore. 

Oh, and he didn't get the Lane Bryant job.  :( 

Back to the old drawing board.

Celebrity Fit Club

Okay I got sucked in.  I admit it.  This is what happens when you tune into VH1 for "I Love the 90s Part Deux" and forget to change the channel.

It's The Biggest Loser for famous type folks.  I say famous types because you're not going to find the "hot" celebrities there.  No, all the hot celebrities aren't overweight. 

So we get people like Daniel Baldwin, Ralphie May, The Snapple Lady, Kim Coles, Biz Markie, a judge I'd never heard of before, Mia Tyler (Steven's daughter, Liv's sister) and this other dude I don't recognize. 

Complaint #1:  The Drill Sergeant.  Yes I know he got this name for a reason but he's just unnecessarily mean IMO.  You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and you don't ride people that hard when they feel like crap to begin with.  It just doesn't work.  What I did like was Mia telling him off, that his issues with her weight were just that - HIS issues.  That she was sexy and beautiful at any size because it's not the weight, it's the attitude.  (Mia just shot up on my hero roster)

Complaint #2:  It's a competition, and while this helps in SOME areas, it really isn't good for a weight loss program.  Because it's more than what the scales say... which brings me to...

Complaint #3:  Apparently on the next show someone gains 12 lbs in two weeks.  The Drill Sergeant says there's "no way" that someone can gain 12 lbs in two weeks.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah there are.

1.  Muscle weighs more than fat and if you're working out like a maniac you can definitely GAIN weight and still lose fat. 

2. If it's a woman, helloooooooooooooooooooo!  Water retention DUH.  I guess that a man wouldn't appreciate that delicate hormonal fluxuation but it is there and it's not indicative of failure.

Combine the two... and it's quite easy to believe someone can gain 12lbs in two weeks. 

But whatever.

As always it's all about the numbers on a scale.  If this journal ever gets widespread recognition it will be my ultimate goal in life to release people from that stupid, asinine, archaic hogwash. 

 

You know what I think?  I think that the true key to ultimate success is finding value in who you are without changing one thing.  Because the day will come when the weight won't fall off, you might even gain, and then you will fall into self destructive behavior.

As long as we think our fat is our failure, we doom ourselves to self hatred that will logically conclude in self destruction.  And how do morbidly obese people self destruct?

Two words.

Cheese Cake.

 

If I can ever accomplish anything in my life it would be to teach women that they have value beyond their size.  This is almost like throwing a lasso around the moon, because for decades society has taught women that they are only as good as they look. 

It's insidious.  Women were trained back in the day to stay pretty for their husbands so they wouldn't stray, and they inevitably trained their daughters to be man pleasers.  Girls watched their mothers fuss and fret over their appearance so that it was ingrained into their subconsciousness.  This gets confirmed by the media.  Look at how things are marketed.  Next time you're in the supermarket check out line look at magazines geared toward women.  It's all about how to look good to get a man. 

Happiness is in a size 0 don't you know.  Or you would know if you looked at clothes on department store mannequins who are so thin they wouldn't even have a menstrual period if they were a real woman.

Pah-lease.

 

No wonder so many young guys are dogs and so many young women are starving themselves into living breathing skeletons.

What are we teaching our children?

I came to the conclusion that the reason I haven't had a daughter yet is because God is just making sure I don't subconsciously mess her up with my own issues on being a woman in today's society. 

It's a learning process for me too.

We have to retrain our way of thinking.  Because this is destroying our kids.

 

Hello PMS rant LOL

Okay on to today's report.  I got 1500 calories in today, with four servings of veggies and three servings of fruit.  This is good.  I'm working up to doing things by food groups rather than calorie count.

I'm weaning myself as it were.

I will say this, I did feel more satisfied today than I did yesterday.  I don't think it's because of the extra calories but because those extra calories were mostly proteins.  That's how I started today, with my "gym day" breakfast of a spinach and cheese omelet, turkey sausage and a Weight Watchers apple muffin.

And my I just say, that for a dietary product that was ONE tasty muffin.  It was so moist, I was shocked. 

 

Now if I can just get past these late hour fast food ads, we'll be fine.

Sigh.

Keeping my eye on the three pound/three inch prize.

That will mean more than a momentary fast food fix.

Life Happens...

Yesterday I was trucking along right on plan and then I had company and went right off plan just as easily.  I didn't do too badly with food, but I had a couple of drinks and wasted purely empty calories on it.  My bad.

Today, however, has been GREAT.  I got in 1250 calories BUT I also ate 3 servings of veggies and 3 servings of fruit.  So even though I ate less, I ate better.  This is a good thing.

I'm ready to make some goals.

 

I abandoned goals a long time ago because I would get really frustrated when I didn't meet those goals.  However, I think having something to run towards will motivate me rather than this loosey goosey let the chips fall where they may attitude. 

So... I'm going to weigh myself on Tuesday, February 1.  I've set a goal to lose 3lbs by that point.  However, I've also got a backup plan of three INCHES as well, because I know even if the scale doesn't agree, it's not the only measurement of success.

Therefore it's three inches and or pounds or BUST.

 

The exercise has been a bust.  For some reason my knee gave way on me yesterday and I've been dosed up on painkillers with my knee wrapped in a Thermo Care heat wrap.   I'm going to go to bed early, get up early and still make it to the gym even if all I can do is upper body work. 

I've got to.

There's a goal on the line.

 

I started my college classes on Monday and it was a little overwhelming.  However I broke it down into small manageable pieces so I feel a lot more in control.  The writing course is one of my first classes, so I feel confident I can ace it. 

 

Of course that put my own writing on the backburner.  It's time to brush My Immortal off and get it out to publishers and to agents.  It's not going to sell sitting in a file on my computer.

I have a goal there to - to be sold or repped by the end of the year.  Here it is, halfway through January and I'm still sitting on my tuckus.  This isn't the way to do it.

 

I did have a really long talk with my mom today, lots of stuff aired that needed to be aired.  Things we needed to talk about that needed to be talked about.  I felt really positive after it was over.  So I hope that some of my underlying issues are on the mend as well. 

It's weird.  The more you're yourself, the more people accept you.

Whoda thunkit?

I'm here.

I fell off the wagon, but I'm here.

Actually, I jumped headlong off the wagon.

Fortunately I have decided staying off the wagon is no longer an option.

 

What I learned from my weekend of excess:

1.)  It didn't numb me like it used to. 
2.)  I didn't feel better, in fact I felt instantly worse.
3.)  I don't want to live my life that out of of control.

Time can be my friend.  I need to embrace it.  As of yesterday the dark veil that had shrouded over my life for the last five months lifted.  Almost magically.  I feel a lot more hopeful about the future and a lot stronger than I have in months.

I just need to keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.  The battle lasts for a moment, but the consequences take years to undo.

Such as all this weight I still carry around.

 

Okay so I've been thinking about the different ways I can approach the eating thing while still making exercise a priority.  I need to address my weaknesses.  I eat out because I'm too stressed out to prepare a decent meal.  I also don't have the money to prepare the kinds of foods I need to eat.  Instead of chicken, we're stuck with the higher fat ground meat.  Instead of fresh vegetables I have to get canned.  So forth and so on.

After much deliberation, I think what would work best for me and fit into my particular lifestyle is the Supermarket Diet.

Let me explain.

Instead of preparing meals, I have meals already prepared like Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines.  Yes, they're processed, yes they're chock full of sodium BUT, I think that having the meals taken care of that I don't have to stress about what to make for the entire family (as far as $$ is concerned) or putting effort into cooking a meal is actually going to take a lot of stress off of me and save me money in the long run.  It also teaches the boys and Steven more responsibility in cooking meals as well.  Which helps me with that OTHER issue I've been bitching and moaning about. 

And as for the sodium, replacing lunch and dinner with either a frozen dinner or soup means that the sodium will actually be a lot easier to control.  As will the calories.

This will probably take me down to a 1200-1500 calorie diet.  I figure I'll supplement the frozen dinners with fresh fruit and vegetables and some dairy products like low fat yogurt and cheese.  This will help round out my nutritional needs.

This is not unlike the Nutri-System diet, or the Jenny Craig diet which teaches portion control by pre-packaged meal replacements.

 

The only meal I'm on my own with, is breakfast.  Cereal will fit the bill on most days, but on the days I go to the gym, instead of having cereal and fruit (which causes my blood sugar to drop) I'll eat an egg beaters omelet with good stuff like mushrooms and spinach and fat free cheese, as well as a whole grain muffin from Weight Watchers. 

It's going to be fueling the body, not feeding the impulses.  That doesn't work, as I've come to learn.

And best of all, I'm going to be accountable here for what I eat per day.   I'll eat on a schedule, maintaining a certain formula (much like Dr. Phil's program). 

All of this will be my eating program at least five days a week.  Saturday, as always, will be a free day.  I'm toying, I repeat "toying" with the idea of making Sunday a cleansing day, where I eat totally clean.  Nothing processed, nothing refined.  You get the idea.   It's the "optimal" way to lose weight.

I'm covering all my bases, y'all. 

 

And as always, the exercise will be documented here as well.  Here is my "beginner's program":

Walk 1 mile a day at least five days a week
Ride the exercise bike 10 mins at least five days per week
Pilates at least three days a week
The gym at least three days a week

Today's walk in the frigid air is out, that dust storm from last week did end up giving me a cold.  So I'm going to relax most of the day and then do Pilates tonight before I go to bed. 

There are no more excuses.

If I do what I've always done, then I'll get what I've always gotten. 

And that's no longer acceptible to me.

 

Nor is lingering around 285.  I've been this weight since May of last year.  I need to figure out why I have mentally chosen to stay this size.  The progress I've made (losing down to size 24 despite the stagnation in weight) doesn't make up for the fact I basically gave up last year. 

I couldn't tell you why.  Except for maybe I still believe in some way I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve to succeed.

I was going to participate in Screenplay in a Month, or SIAM, where I'd still be writing with purpose.  I really liked how that turned out with My Immortal and NaNoWriMo, so I thought maybe lighting another fire under me would have me going in forward motion toward a writing career.  That, in addition with the weight, has been something I've always dreamed about but never had the gumption to pursue, and I can't tell you why.

Anyway I bowed out of SIAM to concentrate on My Immortal and haven't done any writing whatsoever.  I think the main reason I bowed out is because I wrote Hal Sparks and told him to watch the blog for a screenplay in which I was using him as a prototype for.

I think knowing that he could be reading it made me suddenly feel like what I wrote wasn't good enough.  I shut down completely.

Here again: on the cusp of actually making something happen - slam back down into negative behavior patterns.

 

Maybe Jeannie is right.  Maybe it is time to talk to someone about this.  Because this is bigger than me, obviously.

I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime, I have a gameplan for the next two weeks.  We'll see how it goes.

If things don't change by the time I get my car, I'll then check out L.A. Weight Loss, because they have counselors in conjunction with learning how to eat properly in real life situations. 

I will succeed.  I may not know exactly how right now, but I'm going to make it.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

This may be the most educational part of the weight loss journey.  This is where people quit... and where I must fight to keep going.

January 15.

I feel okay.

Not great, but not sad.  In fact, if anything I'm battling an allergy cold onset, so that has me just sort of coasting.

It's been a tough few months.  In fact my friend Jeannie's advice is to see a counselor.  This kind of concerns me a little bit.  I know I've been stressed, but I didn't know it was coming across as that bad.  I've been bad before, and what happened ten years ago on this day had a lot to do with it. 

So to me all this other stuff isn't bad.  It's just life as I know it. 

 

In fact my first response to the suggestion was I don't need therapy, I need my family to wake up and realize I'm not some mindless, emotionless robot who maintains the status quo so they don't ever have to do one thing they don't want to do. 

But I can't even really gripe too much about that, since this is the reality I've created for myself.  And it all comes back down to control.  I like to have it.

And what happened ten years ago has a lot to do with that.

 

From the very first time life kicked me in the shins by losing my dad to the added insult of losing Brandon and then Dan, I'm used to getting comfortable in life and then having the rug pulled out from under me.  That's just my reality.  So what I can control, I do control.  Because life has already taught me I can't control the big stuff, I need to manically control all the little stuff.

And I surrounded myself with people who let me control them.   The problem is, when you have that sort of "parent/child" relationship, eventually the children grow past needing you and leave.  That worries me as far as Steven is concerned.  The kids I expect to leave me.

Actually, in reality, I expect it of Steven too.  I know there is no such thing as forever.  

What happened ten years ago taught me that.

 

I wasn't completely honest with you all at the beginning of this entry.  I do relent to one emotion very easily.  And that's anger.  I'm truly p*ssed off at the way things have happened to me in my life.

Not the stuff I had control over, like being overweight or having financial problems or anything like that.  I'm not angry about that at all.

I'm angry that I can't feel secure in anything I do.  I can't feel secure in my relationships with people, I hate that I have a tiny little thread of fear woven into my psyche that if I love someone too much they'll die. 

Yeah it sucks, but when you lose a close parent, a baby and a best friend/ex spouse all before you're thirty five, it does crazy things to your emotional makeup.  And this doesn't even cover the uncles and aunts and grandparents and niece and coworkers I've lost.  Loss and Death are intimate companions in my life. 

Again, this is what I learned from what happened ten years ago.

 

From the very first loss on I've been stifling my emotions.  My mom and my sister hated my dad for reasons I couldn't understand when I was eleven years old.  But there was no love lost when he died.  It made it really hard to grieve.  I didn't expect them to give me any comfort.  And I was probably really mean to them as I was growing up, meaner than probably I needed to be, because maybe deep down I resented that they left me floundering after the most tragic event any child could go through.

When Dan died I was so mad at God for cursing my young son Jeremiah with the same fate.  Jeremiah more so than Timothy, because Timothy and Daniel had a love/hate relationship and weren't as close.  But Jeremiah adored his dad, and Dan felt the same way.  I knew from first hand experience how traumatizing that loss would be.  And I was so, so angry with God for letting it happen.

Much later when I had some clarity I decided that it was BECAUSE I had gone through it that made me the perfect parent for Jeremiah to help him through it.  This is why I guess we're not supposed to question God's wisdom. 

 

I stuffed down when my niece died at 2 1/2 because my mother fell apart and I had to be strong for her.  I stuffed it down when Brandon died the day before Timothy's fifth birthday so I wouldn't scar Timothy any more than what he'd already gone through. 

I always have stuffed it down.  Way down.  Under layers of fat.  Layers and layers of fat. 

This year, I can't stuff it down.  I have to face it head on.  I have to feel what I feel.  It's not fun, it's like today is the first real day of grieving and the last ten years have been a dream.

 

Yeah, maybe I could benefit from talking to someone professionally.  I'm skeptical.  I've been in therapy before... for the sexual assault when I was four, for Brandon, at my former boss's request and then after the courts intervened with the kids.  I'm savvy enough to know I can only get from them what I give to them; I have to be willing to open up and talk about all this stuff and admit I need help to get through it.

We're talking two of the hardest things that I can do.  That's why this journal is a miracle... because I'm not one to open up readily and easily.  I suffer in silence like I was taught to do.  I project one of three things: strength, happiness or anger.  Those are the only emotions I'm comfortable showing to other people.

One thing I'd rather die than show is weakness.  And for me to admit my failings makes me feel weak.  Because I've never done it.  From that four year old girl who didn't tell her mother she was sexually assaulted, to the eleven year old girl who couldn't tell her mother how badly her heart was broken when her daddied to the mother who had to bury her nine day old child - I've never leaned on anyone.  Ever.

 

Now that I need to lean on people, I look to the people who should naturally support me.  Steven and my sons.  They're not taking the shift in gears too well I guess.  This is what I feel I need more than anything.  For them to understand that I am just a woman, I can't do it all and I do need a little help sometimes.  That it hurts like hell to admit that I need their help, and when I face people rolling their eyes and stomping their feet OR telling me "yes I will do that" and never follow through, it hurts me to the very core. 

I don't need to talk about it, I need to be heard - and not just by anyone.  By the people I have braved the fates enough to love.  I need them to see me as I am, not as how they need me to be. 

 

I just can't give one more thing to one more person.  I've been bled dry.  It was why I quit going to church.  Every single time I went to church I felt on the spot, like I was running a gauntlet - doing what was expected of me.  I got tired of things being expected of me. 

And I think it's just getting to that point where I put my foot down on everything.  I haven't gone back to the old way of eating and thinking, and I don't want to.  Each day is an educational experience on how I can cope without my favorite drug of choice - food. 

The first thing that went was the exercise.  Out of sheer entitlement, totally.  Why should I have to work and sweat if I'm giving up all this food.

Now, it's the opposite.  I am not as careful about what I eat because I'm working my tushy off. 

Even knowing if I combine the two I'll be unstoppable.  I just can't find the will to do it.  Not when I have all these hangers on pulling at me and sucking me dry of all my energy.  Not when I have to clean up after everyone, work my butt off to meet the bills so we don't get kicked out into the street.

 

I'm resentful.  Majorly and totally resentful.  So resentful in fact I'm planning a solo vacation.  We're due for a financial windfall in the next few months and I had planned to do a nice little getaway for the entire family.  I figured the change of scenery would do me good.  Again, in the planning, I found a bunch of stuff for THEM to do.  And after it all, as we have to change and modify to do everything, I get attitude.

It has me seriously contemplating a solo vacation.  I don't take them often, mind you - normally I try to take everyone and share experiences with everyone.  But like I said... I can't give one more thing to one more person.

I'm empty.  And what happened ten years ago had a lot to do with that.

 

I'm making these baby steps no matter how hard it is.  I'll keep doing them, this is a journey that if nothing else is certainly adaptable. 

I am adaptable.

I just have to get it in my head I'm worth a little selfishness every now and then - that I'm NOT asking for more than I'm worth when I tell my family enough is enough.

And as of today, when I have to work ten hours and somehow go shopping for the next two weeks and buy Timothy's birthday gifts and juggle the bills to afford everything that we want to do, then get the house clean so I can have MORE teenagers in my house tomorrow while Steven is off playing four hours at a card tournament, Jeremiah disappearing off to Grandmas and Timothy holed up in his STILL unclean bedroom playing video games, ENOUGH was ENOUGH. 

Yesterday.

An Epiphany

Yesterday was a bad day.  I'm actually really surprised I haven't had more of them in this last week.  January 6 - January 15 is a harsh time for me.  Brandon weighs heavily on my mind and even if I don't consciously think of him, my soul still aches. 

Yesterday was one of those days when something small sent me into a screaming coniption.  Yes I have them.  They're generally uncommon, maybe three or four a year at most.  I guess I wanted to get 2005 off with a bang.

I was going to come here and blog it out but I hesitated - which was wrong of me to do.  My whole commitment to blogging this journey was that I was going to be honest even if it hurt.

I didn't really take into account that it would hurt more than just me.  So coming here and blogging about how angry I am at Steven or my kids when our relatives, or more specifically Steven's relatives (because my folks don't read this journal) read this feels like I'm ratting him out or disappointing them by airing our dirty laundry. 

 

But the good thing that came out of that was that I actually talked to Steven about what was bugging me, and I guess that's better than flinging it out into cyberspace for all the world to read. 

However we are going to go over some of the finer points of the conversation, because I feel it's necessary. 

And again, total honesty.

 

Since about September of last year things have been building up.  I work for my sister and our business was seriously compromised by some reason we could not put our finger on.  Normally when we hit a slump in sales (and in this particular instance we took a hit of about 20% from about September till, well, now) I can figure out something to keep us going.  This time nothing worked, we weren't able to pull out like we thought we were.  My sister said election years are hard (and it was only my second election year working for her), that people tended to hold onto their money.  Now as I watch the sales go up and people who normally bought twenty items from us a week are back, I figure she was right.

But at the time, it was very scary.  Of the two of us, I make more money than Steven, mostly because I work at CA wages.  I was living in CA when I first started to work for my sister, so that wage has carried on even while working in Texas.  I don't work near as much as I used to, but I still make a pretty decent living.

And it's from home, so I can be here with the kids and not have to leave the safety of my own four walls.  Yes, that was a deliberate thing to keep me safe from the brutality of the world. 

However it's got a lot more benefits than just that.  I have an extremely flexible schedule and that fits my life.  I don't like living by a rigid time schedule.  I like a lot of wiggle room.  I have that with this job.  And that's why I like this job.  And that's why the thought of this job going away TERRIFIED me.

 

Around this time I had earned a modest savings.  Very modest.  Under four figures modest.  But it was a start, especially since I'm a paycheck to paycheck kinda gal.  This was when Jeremiah got hurt and we ended up eating into those savings in order to pay the copays and make up income from time off work for both Steven and I.

This put us back on the downslope.

Also around this time was when Steven's job at Blue Cross became very uncertain.  One more screwup and he was fired.  This happened before at another company, so I took them at their word.  With my job future also up in the air, this hit me at my core.

 

I'm very afraid of being homeless.  I've been homeless before and it created an obsessive compulsive need for security in all things.  So this turn of events made me stress out in ways I did not identify. 

Although if you watch my eating patterns and my exercise patterns and my weight loss commitment, you'll see where I took my outlets for the stress. 

 

This was also around the time I ended up taking control of the household chores.  My children and my husband are not the cleanest bunch in the world, and living in that constant state of upheaval was driving me crazy.  If my life's a mess, I want my house to be in order.  I need some control of the chaos somewhere.  Living in a pigsty had me at the end of my rope.  So I took the chores onto my already heavily laden shoulders because someone had to take control in this house.  I told them what the conditions were, and all of them were okay with that. 

It must be nice to have someone you can depend on to take care of things so you don't have to.

I wouldn't know.

 

All this lead into the holiday season which as well all well know screwed me up.  I'm a mess from September on, anymore.  With 9-11, Dan's death, the holidays, Dad's death and right on into January with Brandon I'm just a great big ooey gooey emotional mess. 

In the past, I've had quite an effective stress reliever.  This year, I had to try and cope without it. 

This year I had to struggle to maintain the weight loss I worked so hard for.

And believe me, it's been a struggle.

 

The fight with Steven incorporated just my complete and total breakdown of being the only responsible one in the household.  I'm the one who has to make sure everyone is fed, clothed, a roof over their head, the place is picked up and sanitary, obligations are met.  Steven helps out, but the bulk of it falls on me.

I'm just barely standing on my feet, guys.  I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and no real way to find a relief valve for it all. 

Yes I know exercise should be it, but it's not.  To me, exercise is just one more obligation - one more thing I HAVE to do. 

 

I'm raising a family, working full time, writing part time, losing weight all the time - I have the equivalent of three full time jobs here. 

And it's not like I'm not strong enough to pressure through.  I just need a little help every now and then.

I need for my family to recognize I can't do it all, I do need some help and for them to WANT to help me.  If I ask my kids to do something I get the heavy sigh and the eyeroll. 

God forbid I interrupt their fun life of playing a game system all night long for them to take out the friggin trash.

 

Yes, I'm still angry. 

But here's where the epiphany comes in.

I realized that maybe I wouldn't have so many entitlement issues if I would just stand up for myself and say no to people laying their burdens on me.  Instead of taking on the housework, I should just continue the fight to make them do it (although it spends about twice the energy).  I should demand that I be treated better.

I deserve it.

 

 

However being raised by the mother of all martyrs, my mom, this is difficult.  I've already been trained to do it all and harbor resentment for everyone for doing it.  When I look at my sister, who also does the same thing, I see the same destructive behavior patterns.  She smokes, drinks, eats and spends.  I drink, eat and spend and have been guilty of other interesting addictive behaviors I choose not to put here.  Let's just say I have a colorful history.  Nothing illegal, but immoral?  You betcha. 

So maybe I wouldn't feel the need to indulge if I just set the proper boundaries and just said no once and a while. 

If it were okay for me to get mad at Steven for losing his job at Blue Cross that put the added burden of not being medically insured anymore, for instance.  Instead of patting him on the shoulder and saying that's all right, *I'll* go get a job at that boring place just to have those benefits. 

Because to me, it's more important to have security than entertainment.

And I'm really annoyed that I don't have those choices, and the men in my family do.

 

Then I think, well Steven came from being totally single with zero responsibilities to become a husband and father to two children who aren't biologically his own.

I feel guilty that he has to be responsible.

I'm officially insane.

Instead of saying this was HIS choice and by making it HE decided to grow up, I feel like I'm asking too much if I tell him I don't want him spending so much leisure time when I'm working my @$$ off trying to juggle a gazillion things at once.

 

No, I swallow it all.  Along with Papa Johns cinnapies and Chinese food takeout and pizza and Taco Bell.  I feel "entitled" to skip going to the gym, going on walks, going out and working any harder than sitting my big fat butt on the sofa and just taking chill time for myself.

 

There won't be any time for that this weekend.  I have a bunch of stuff to do and very little time to do it.

That I've done Pilatesreligiously even though I didn't want to is pretty impressive.  There was no gym yesterday but we're going to try and go today to make up for it. 

Then it's back in this chair and working for the money I hardly ever see as it goes from my hands into whatever bill needs to be paid, or in this case, to spoil birthday boy Timothy as he turns 15 on Sunday.

 

There truly is no rest for the wicked.