Yesterday, as an experiment, I didn't chart anything I ate until the very end of the day. I ate only when hungry - and I was munching all day. I ended up eating only 1750 calories with 30% fat, 7% saturated fat. This pleases me that it's second nature now to meet my caloric needs - and that in fact I don't "require" that many calories anymore.
The exercise is still out. My back is not going to cooperate. Period. I'm not going to beat myself up for it either. In a week or so I'll get a diagnosis on what's wrong and what my limitations are. Until then I'm just going to have to find peace in the rest I'm forced to take.
Also I realized something yesterday. I took myself off project status. That's what Dr. Phil calls it when you put taking care of yourself as a top priority. Through all the chaos writing and working and feeling sorry for myself (using my usual avoidance techniques) I've let a lot of things drop I used to be so dilligent about. For instance, the 20th came and went and I didn't even think about posting my photo update here. I totally spaced it. And why? Because I've stopped focusing on this journey and put focus on other things.
I think it's mostly because I've lost control over this journey. Like my rant from yesterday, my frustration level is so high on my inability to make this work anymore that I've just shifted focus onto other things. With the focus on saving money for a new house I threw my August 2005 goal out the window to renew my vows at goal weight. It's a mixed blessing. With the goal date set in stone I had structure and kept myself more focused, but it increased the frustration ten fold when I wasn't making the progress I wanted to make. At losing 2lbs a week (a reasonable expectation for most normal people) I'd still not lose down to goal weight until Christmas of 2005. And every week I don't lose anything pushes it back a week. That's very disheartening.
So that lead to shifting my focus on something more in my control, making myself "too busy" to take care of myself so that when I finally got a break I would "spoil" myself with foods I didn't need to eat, and sitting on my fanny when I should be out walking it off.
Nice little self sabotage huh?
To get myself back on track I'm going to start including stats at the bottom of every page again. Since I tend to write in the morning instead of at the end of the day I'll put the stats from the day before.
Let me set my goals. Calories not to exceed 2000, fat not to exceed 30%, saturated fat not to exceed 10%. Water - 64oz. Exercise - on hold until I get to a doctor and find out what I can do with my back out of kilter.
Now for a hot bath to give me some comfort before I have to work all day.
September 25 stats:
Calories: 1751
Fat: 30%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Water: 48oz
Exercise: Waiting Doc OK
3 comments:
Hi Ginger
I'm happy to see you added your daily stats and realized you are self sabotaging. Now how about a daily affirmation? Remember those? Focus on the positive and look at what 's been good and right about all of this, and don't allow yourself to slide into thinking that you are just a failure because you aren't! All you need to do is look at how far you've come and your pictures to know that is a lie. That's what the enemy would like you to think. Don't give him any ground. Remember to Whom you belong. Chris
PS Ginger: How's little Winston?? Chris
Could you talk to your doctor about your weight loss plateau? You are definitly doing everything right, and Im sure you know this but your body likes to be at a constant consistent state os stability... so with that said... your body is going to adjust to the amount of calories you are taking in... my suggestion... up your calories for a week or two by ten percent or so... and then cut back down so where you are now. It has worked for me. I dont know.. sorry to tell you something you probably already know.. but I just hope you can find an end to some of your frustration.
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