I Want it Back

9/10/2001.

I want it back.

I want the NYC skyline back.  I want all those familes to be whole.  I want what I had in 2001 - as a newlywed, as someone who thought the world was finally getting in the right order.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

1/14/95.

I want it back. 

Brandon was alive and I did not know the devastating pain of losing a child.  My heart did not have an irreparable hole.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

12/18/80.

I want it back.

My dad was alive and I knew that no matter where I was, someone was there would always believe in me.  I wouldn't grow up feeling so alone I took all the wrong paths.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

9/12/03.

I want it back.

Because I just don't want to hurt over these losses anymore. 

I know that they all sculpted me into who I am supposed to be - but each one is such a painful scar on my soul that aches.  Maybe not daily, maybe only once or twice a year anymore... but it still aches.

I know I wouldn't be here on this journey had it not been for Dan.

I know I wouldn't have met Dan if it weren't for Dad.

It all adds up.

But it all hurts.

And in my weakest moments, moments like now, I just want them all back.