Well I expected to see a huge gain on the scales in cosmic punishment for my laziness these last couple of weeks (not to mention the less than desirable eating habits) - and a gain was there. But it was less than half a pound. It puts me back up at 279 but only by about 4 ounces.
While I was relieved that I hadn't completely undone all I had worked so hard to do, I have to tell you my frustration level is amplified tenfold.
Allow me a selfish whiny rant for a moment.
No matter what I do or don't do I cannot make this weight loss thing work for me anymore. I dropped sugar, it worked about a week and quit. Same thing happened with the carb experiment at the beginning of this journey. I do exercise, I don't do exercise. I starve myself, I stuff myself. I eat whole foods, I eat processed foods. No matter what I do this weight is not coming off and it doesn't make sense. I watch sodium, I don't watch sodium. I eat sugar, I don't eat sugar. I drink regular water, I drink a lot of water. I exercise my butt off, I laze around on my hiney. NOTHING works consistantly.
Case in point. On 8/28/04 I weighed in at 279lbs and 3 oz. On 9/04/04 I weighed in at 278lbs and 11oz. On 9/25/04 I weighed in at 279lbs and 4oz. And this is a consistant pattern. Look at my weekly totals since about April, which is where it seemed to have leveled off:
I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do. I do everything I need to to lose weight but it's been an up an down struggle for about five months now. I am eating way less than what I burn, mathematically there is no reason I shouldn't lose weight. It reminds me of when I was trying to conceive and we would do everything in the book to get pregnant and I never did. There is just nothing more frustrating than doing what you need to and not getting the results you want.
And Iknow I've managed to lose weight despite it all. I understand in the whole scheme of things I've made great progress. I don't mean to demean that in the slightest. But the fact of the matter is I've been stuck in the mud for five months and I'm not even halfway through my journey yet.
And yes I know that the numbers on the scale don't mean as much as how I feel or the way my body is rearranging itself. I know I've lost 51" and nearly 10 dress sizes and that's great. But when I look in the mirror all I see is how far I still have left to go.
Today was the first time in a long time I felt conspicuous going to the mall to weigh in. I felt all eyes on me, judging me as a big fat failure. I've been beating myself up for the decisions I've been making and my own criticism has made me very sensitive to the judgment of others.
All of this has really made me hope that my thyroid is somehow to blame. Give me a reason why I'm not progressing the way I want to. I'm not asking for 20lbs a month. Heck, 4lbs a month would be great. I've lost 12lbs in five months. It just doesn't make any sense.
And let me tell you, this is dangerous territory for me. Everytime I've been on a weight loss journey (diet, if you will) and it ceased to work, my impatience and frustration would lead to binging, and then to forsaking the whole "diet" altogether. I've already done some binging a meal or two here and there, a day or two here and there. Right now all I can think about is why am I denying myself all the things I want to eat when it's not working?
Dangerous, dangerous ground.
I really believe the metabolism is the root of everything. The reason I feel so sluggish and uninspired even to walk across the room. It's gotten way worse in the last two weeks. I know depression is a total factor, but even that can be attributed back to hypothyroidism.
Maybe that's just because I want to believe one pill can make all the difference. Everything could start working again if I just take a pill a day. I'll be able to lose weight, I'll be able to have another child, I'll be able to keep my house as clean as I like it to be without getting mad that the other members of my family won't do the work I'm just too bloody tired to do.
I need some kind of life raft. I'm drowning here.