Monday, September 13, 2004

Depression Bites

I lied.  I let my emotions influence my eating this weekend.  I didn't go totally off the wagon but I was hanging on by a bootstrap, I'll tell ya that.  We went to a restaurant and I still had the chicken instead of the red meat, but I had it smothered with sauteed stuff.  I didn't get a dessert for myself, but I dug into the one Steven got for everyone to share.  I drank lemonade, which meant my no sugar thing was out the window.

Saturday I weighed in at 278, but I lost two inches so I know that I lost fat and gained muscle.  I'm going to stay at the 2000 calorie mark for a little while longer. 

I haven't gone on my walks since Thursday.  I haven't written anything on either project since Saturday.  Steven wanted to throw a barbeque today so we could honor Dan, I had to let him in on the fact I don't want to be around people when I'm depressed.  Grief is something I suffer alone.  It always has been.  I don't want to have to entertain a houseful of people tonight... I just want to work, or write... or do anything but think about Dan. 

I let the kids stay home from school today.  I know how hard it is to get through the day like it's any normal day when all you want to do is just be anywhere else doing anything else.  Of course, this means I'm not totally alone which isn't all that great for me.  Instead I stayed in bed till noon. 

I'll be okay tomorrow.  I find if I just let myself have these moments that it helps.  It's like a steam valve.  I don't deny my feelings, I just give it its proper place.

Anyway I'll do the 11th update tomorrow.  Naturally I didn't do it on Saturday - I only wanted to deal with what that day has come to mean for all of us as a nation.  Loss.

But a new day brings new hope. 

I'll leave you all with two poems.

God has not promised 

skies always blue,

flower strewn pathways 

all our lives through.

God has not promised 

sun without rain,

joy without sorrow, 

peace without pain.

But God has promised 

strength for the day,

rest for the laborer,

light on the way,

grace for the trial,

help from above,

unfailing sympathy,

undying love

and for Dan - we miss you and we love you.  We will be together again.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God

Was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly,

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone;

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

Your love is still our guide;

And though we can not see you,

You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same;

But as God calls us one by one,

THE CHAIN will link again.

1 comment:

angeleyes12316 said...

In my thoughts and in my prayers ... that's where you've been for the past few days.  Cry and remember love and cry some more ... then the morning comes and you pick your heart up off the floor and start the new day.  I know.  I know how much it still hurts.  Just keep going sweetie.  Take a walk alone and talk to Dan ... sit down and listen ... you'll hear him whisper to you.  If only you believe and listen.