A Low Moment

The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.  Never before has this saying applied more to my life than it has this week.

Tuesday I had my back problems again and went down for a nap.  By the time I got up I had no inclination whatsoever to do anything.  I didn't even want to work that night, but I had to.

Yesterday I just chilled all day.  I did what little work that had to be done and then I just did nothing else (productive anyway) all day.  To top it off, I didn't even want to make dinner and we all know what that means.  Yep. Takeout. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know all I have to do is just DO these things but I keep folding like a cheap lawn chair.  Right now I'm so tired I could probably just go back to bed.

And my clothes are still fitting tighter.  I'm either packing on the pounds or bloating like a balloon.  I could put it all on my back - and it's true that I don't want to have my back go out again.  I'd rather take it easy until I get a doctor's ok rather than go through the excruciating pain I went through back in August.

I'll be honest with you.  I hate, really hate to have to depend on anyone.  When I was out of commission with my back I haaaaaaaaaaaaated it.  I didn't like having to be waited on hand and foot.  I mean sure, I like for people to dote on me, but I don't like feeling like it's beyond my control.  When I couldn't stand or walk and couldn't do what I wanted to do, it was torture.  So yeah, I'm not going to do anything to jeapordize that.

But I just feel so darn guilty about it.  I feel like this huge slacker, pun intended.  I know that if I just do the things I need to do I won't feel so bad about doing the things I want to do.  If I want to have a slice of pizza, then I go for a walk.  Now if I eat a slice of pizza I feel like I'm undoing a year's worth of progress.

Ugh.  So why can't I just get moving??

I think I'm going to have the doc check out my thyroid.  I think my metabolism is just way low.  I'm constantly fatigued, even when I was exercising.  I've been reading about it and I found something interesting.  One of the ways you can tell if you may have hypothyroidism (meaning slow as a dang slug metabolism) is by your waking temperatures.  When Steven and I were trying to conceive back in 2000 when I was so much heavier, my waking temps were so low they didn't even fit on the charts.  It was like 95.  The average is between 97-98.  Now my waking temps are about 96.5 so it's better but still on the low side.  That coupled with fatigue and how utterly slow the weight is coming off despite activity or diet has me wondering.  It can't hurt to get it checked out.  I found some natural remedies that can help boost the metabolism, so I hope that with that, I'll start to see an improvement.

Back in the day when I was taking ephedra, before a scary incident that had me swear off of it forever, I remember thinking how nice it was to have all that extra energy.  In fact, that was one of the things I hated about having to stop.  It meant I had to go back to my sluggish routine. 

I think my waking schedule is trying to switch back to being awake later and sleeping in later.  That never helps anything.  By the time I get a running start on the day I'm too tired to do anything I need to do. 

As the weather cools down I will be able to do my walks later, which should help.  Now when I wake up early to do my work all I can think about is going back to sleep.  In fact that bed is looking mighty inviting right now. 

Anyway I'm down but I'm not out.  I'm just restrategizing and trying to regroup.  I'm not about to give up now. 

But this journal is to document the journey, and right now I'm in the valley.  The valley so low.