Having a Voice

Thanks to AOL Journals for featuring me in their top five weekly pick.  I'm very excited and honored to have so many new visitors and commenters, I will visit your journals and answer your comments very shortly. 

I also will go into further details about the Lindora program as featured in the First Magazine, the October 4th edition.

While I have all of your ears I'd like to bring up a topic I wouldn't normally address.  It was only after an Oprah episode yesterday where I realized there is a huge crisis in our culture of young Americans who opt not to exercise their right to vote.   One lady even went as far to say that if she lost her right to vote it wouldn't make a difference to her.  I was absolutely dumbfounded.

There are many reasons not to vote.  The candidates don't fit the job they are "applying" for.  Government doesn't address the needs that are important to you.  Many people vote, your vote won't make any difference.  If you register to vote you will be selected for jury duty.  "I'm not into politics, it's boring and no one ever tells the truth anyway - just make a lot of empty promises."

If the candidates don't flip your switch either way, not voting is still casting a vote.  You have to decide who is the best man for the job, and the more people who vote will demand a certain level of integrity from the candidates.  It will also strengthen your position.  If it's important to you and you hold the power to put these men and women on the job, then it will become important to them.  The reason politicians don't address the concerns of younger Americans is because younger Americans do not vote. 

Many people do vote, this is true.  But when you consider the last election was decided by a mere 500+ votes, it shows every single vote does make a difference. 

Politics is as interesting as it is applicable to our everyday lives.  Everything we do is somehow connected to the government and fundamentally affected by the power of the vote.  From health care to taxes, to education to foreign policy - everything can directly affect you - and I find that to interest me greatly.

As for jury duty, I've been a registered voter since 1990 and I've only been called for jury duty once - which I got out of because I couldn't get off work. 

The most important reason to vote is because you can.  You have that right as an American.  It's a right people have died to protect, and it's a privilege to have this right.  All over the world people do not have a voice, women especially, and to not vote when you have the right to is, to me, unthinkable.

I am not pushing any particular candidate, but I urge you, if you haven't registered to vote, if you haven't ever voted before, this year more than any year before please, please exercise your right.  Raise your voice and be heard.  You do have the power to make a difference. 

Declare Yourself - Register to Vote

Sept. 29

Calories: 2011
Fat:  32%
Sat. Fat: 5%
Water: 48oz
Exercise: On hold

DAILY AFFIRMATION - I have a voice and it deserves to be heard.

My name is Ginger, and I'm a Carboholic

Yes, I admit it.  I crave carbs.  The thought of giving up carbs makes me cringe.  I can't imagine a dinner without a grain product.  This comes from being raised by country folk who always had a plate of good ol white bread to complement the meal.  I like things breaded, I like crackers, I like sandwiches, toast, pastas, potatoes and don't even get me started on my insatiable sweet tooth. 

I want them all.  Every day.

This new Lindora plan has the first week alternating all protein days with days you can have 50-100 grams of carbs.  To put things in perspective, I eat between 200 - 300 grams of carbs daily.  That's about on par with the food pyramid and the USDA guidelines.

Now I gotta cut it in half.  Well I guess I don't "gotta" but I'm choosing to.  If this works the way they say, it'll be worth it to see the numbers on the scale move significantly.   According to this article, eating these all protein days lowers insulin and kick starts ketosis, a biochemical state in which you are burning fat for fuel, and it will flush out bloat and suppress appetite. 

I did okay on my first week of the South Beach Diet.  I think I lost like 7lbs.  But pretty soon my body leveled out and plateaued - after about 14lbs.  So I'm a little skeptical about this being a long term plan.  According to the article, it's the flip flopping between eating proteins only then adding more and more carbs that confuses your body's setpoint and therefore results in consistant and rapid weight loss.

I'm about to become the guinea pig to see if this really works or not.  As of next week my goals will change from the caloric requirement to meeting the food schedule they outlined in the article, and counting my carb grams.  I'm also going to try doing 10 mins on the exercise bike three times a day.  I'm not making any promises mind you, if my back starts to hurt that'll 86 the exercise.  But I'm willing to give it a shot. 

A totally unrelated topic - Wednesdays have become Must See TV.  I'm totally hooked on Lost - it's the first show in a really long time I wanted to see the next episode immediately after this one ended.  Fortunately that goes into The Bachelor, and as always I'm hooked.  I probably wouldn't have been had Byron not been chosen, but now I'm invested.  And Ilove Jayne - she's a total sweetheart. 

This then goes into Wife Swap which I didn't expect to be much of a show but after I saw the clips on Oprah I was intrigued.   It's interesting to see two people in completely different settings taking control of the situation and making their changes.  It's the stuff of a storyteller's dreams.  I love shows that explore the human condition - and if they put a bunch of different ones all in one pot and stir it, even better.

Sept 28

Calories: 1965
Fat: 32% (oopsie)
Sat. Fat: 8%
Water: 48oz 
Exercise - On hold

DAILY AFFIRMATION - I have the obligation and the right to take care of myself because I am worthy of all good things.  

A few more days to go...

The waiting game will be over soon, which is good because my back is just giving me fits.  It hurts down into my tailbone so sitting in one spot for very long is out of the question.   It'll be so nice to know what the exact problem is, and what treatment can be applied.

Today was a low spirit day.  I made the mistake of watching a special on people who have lost a lot of weight.  I was happy for them, I understood each and every one of them - but I also recognized that I had dropped the ball.

I still have an emotional attachment to food and an aversion to success. 

It was my sister's turn to throw me a life raft.  She and her son's fiance joined Curves and with their membership got some free passes.  Since Curves is like two blocks from my house, they extended an offer for us to walk to the park together and then go to Curves together.

I like the sound of this.  I need that extra accountability. 

And I won't feel as uncomfortable going there with them than if I went by myself - which intimidated me silly. 

So once I get the clean bill from the Doc I should be good to go.  As of Saturday I should start my new "diet", and I'm really excited about that.  Something to get the weight loss jumpstarted?  You betcha.  I need the motivation.  I've been stuck for so long I've lost my fight. 

I want it back.

An interesting note about the values I've listed below.   I made the jambalaya from Zataran's dry mix and included low fat turkey sausage, but my productive child threw the box out before I could list the values.  Instead I used what was already in fitday, which is the higher fat, higher calorie values.  So in reality I took in less than what is listed here.

Sept. 27

Calories: 1909
Fat: 27%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Water: 48oz
Exercise: On hold

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I'm not a failure because I did not succeed, I'm a success because I continue to try.

A Glimmer of Sunlight...

As all of y'all know I've been having a hard couple of weeks.  Feelin mighty sorry for myself and probably getting on your nerves something fierce.  Well today there was a glimmer of hope that I can turn the corner on this weight loss journey.

On the cover of First Magazine, For Women on the Go I saw an article about a woman who lost 308lbs.  The headline promised 6lb weight loss every week.  Now, I am smart enough to know that headlines are there for one purpose and one purpose only.  To sell a magazine.

So after I purchased this magazine and read up on this lady's amazing story I became very intrigued with the process she used.  She lost 65lbs in 10 weeks using the Lindora Lean for Life Weight Loss Plan.  I had heard about this program when I lived in Southern California, but after my Nutri-System experience in the 80s I pretty much lumped all diet industry giants as a big waste of money.  They work, but they're too expensive for me.

This plan suggests that our bodies get into set patterns in which we become resistant to losing weight.  That a few simple changes could kick start my metabolism and get my body to reset so that the weight loss is constant and rapid.  I am skeptical about the rapid part, but the constant part sounds really good to me.  Even if I only lost two pounds a week, it'd be a step in the right direction.

Anyway, this plan alternates a protein diet with a high carb diet and it looks like it can fit really well into my lifestyle.  I can still have my sweets (on those high carb days) and all I have to do is add 30 mins of activity every day.  They say even doing 10 minute intervals throughout the day could be a big help.  I still have an exercise bike... I could actually make that work.

So I've decided to give it a shot on my next grocery run.  If it works I'll keep doing it, if it doesn't I figure I haven't got anything else to lose.  I'm still going to the doctor as soon as I can get an appointment in Oct. and I plan on finding out more of what's up with my back and my thyroid.

Either way I have a plan, and for me, The Queen of Planning, it's enough to boost my mood.

Here's the article for all those interested:

http://leanforlife.com/html/article_first_1.cfm

Stats 9/26/04

Calories: 2018
Fat: 29%
Sat. Fat: 8%
Water: 48oz
Exercise: On hold

DAILY AFFIRMATION: I have what it takes to make this goal a reality.

One Day at a Time

Yesterday, as an experiment, I didn't chart anything I ate until the very end of the day.  I ate only when hungry - and I was munching all day.  I ended up eating only 1750 calories with 30% fat, 7% saturated fat.  This pleases me that it's second nature now to meet my caloric needs - and that in fact I don't "require" that many calories anymore. 

The exercise is still out.  My back is not going to cooperate.  Period.  I'm not going to beat myself up for it either.  In a week or so I'll get a diagnosis on what's wrong and what my limitations are.  Until then I'm just going to have to find peace in the rest I'm forced to take. 

Also I realized something yesterday.  I took myself off project status.  That's what Dr. Phil calls it when you put taking care of yourself as a top priority.  Through all the chaos writing and working and feeling sorry for myself (using my usual avoidance techniques) I've let a lot of things drop I used to be so dilligent about.  For instance, the 20th came and went and I didn't even think about posting my photo update here.  I totally spaced it.  And why?  Because I've stopped focusing on this journey and put focus on other things.

I think it's mostly because I've lost control over this journey.  Like my rant from yesterday, my frustration level is so high on my inability to make this work anymore that I've just shifted focus onto other things.  With the focus on saving money for a new house I threw my August 2005 goal out the window to renew my vows at goal weight.  It's a mixed blessing.  With the goal date set in stone I had structure and kept myself more focused, but it increased the frustration ten fold when I wasn't making the progress I wanted to make.  At losing 2lbs a week (a reasonable expectation for most normal people) I'd still not lose down to goal weight until Christmas of 2005.  And every week I don't lose anything pushes it back a week.  That's very disheartening.

So that lead to shifting my focus on something more in my control, making myself "too busy" to take care of myself so that when I finally got a break I would "spoil" myself with foods I didn't need to eat, and sitting on my fanny when I should be out walking it off.

Nice little self sabotage huh?

To get myself back on track I'm going to start including stats at the bottom of every page again.  Since I tend to write in the morning instead of at the end of the day I'll put the stats from the day before. 

Let me set my goals.  Calories not to exceed 2000, fat not to exceed 30%, saturated fat not to exceed 10%.  Water - 64oz.  Exercise - on hold until I get to a doctor and find out what I can do with my back out of kilter. 

Now for a hot bath to give me some comfort before I have to work all day.

September 25 stats:

Calories: 1751
Fat: 30%
Sat. Fat: 7%
Water: 48oz
Exercise:  Waiting Doc OK

Weigh In

Well I expected to see a huge gain on the scales in cosmic punishment for my laziness these last couple of weeks (not to mention the less than desirable eating habits) - and a gain was there.  But it was less than half a pound.  It puts me back up at 279 but only by about 4 ounces.

While I was relieved that I hadn't completely undone all I had worked so hard to do, I have to tell you my frustration level is amplified tenfold.

Allow me a selfish whiny rant for a moment.

No matter what I do or don't do I cannot make this weight loss thing work for me anymore.  I dropped sugar, it worked about a week and quit.  Same thing happened with the carb experiment at the beginning of this journey.  I do exercise, I don't do exercise.  I starve myself, I stuff myself.  I eat whole foods, I eat processed foods.  No matter what I do this weight is not coming off and it doesn't make sense.  I watch sodium, I don't watch sodium.  I eat sugar, I don't eat sugar.  I drink regular water, I drink a lot of water.  I exercise my butt off, I laze around on my hiney.  NOTHING works consistantly.

Case in point.  On 8/28/04 I weighed in at 279lbs and 3 oz.  On 9/04/04 I weighed in at 278lbs and 11oz.  On 9/25/04 I weighed in at 279lbs and 4oz.  And this is a consistant pattern.  Look at my weekly totals since about April, which is where it seemed to have leveled off:

04/02/04 291
04/09/04 289
04/16/04 289
04/23/04 289
04/30/04 289
05/07/04 285
05/14/04 286
05/21/04 284
05/28/04 284
06/04/04 284
06/11/04 286
06/23/04 285
06/30/04 287
07/07/04 285
07/14/04 284
07/21/04 279
07/28/04 279
08/04/04 278
08/14/04 280
08/21/04 279
08/28/04 279
09/04/04 278
09/11/04 278
09/18/04 278
09/25/04 279

I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do.  I do everything I need to to lose weight but it's been an up an down struggle for about five months now.  I am eating way less than what I burn, mathematically there is no reason I shouldn't lose weight.  It reminds me of when I was trying to conceive and we would do everything in the book to get pregnant and I never did.  There is just nothing more frustrating than doing what you need to and not getting the results you want. 

And Iknow I've managed to lose weight despite it all.  I understand in the whole scheme of things I've made great progress.  I don't mean to demean that in the slightest.  But the fact of the matter is I've been stuck in the mud for five months and I'm not even halfway through my journey yet. 

And yes I know that the numbers on the scale don't mean as much as how I feel or the way my body is rearranging itself.  I know I've lost 51" and nearly 10 dress sizes and that's great.  But when I look in the mirror all I see is how far I still have left to go. 

Today was the first time in a long time I felt conspicuous going to the mall to weigh in.  I felt all eyes on me, judging me as a big fat failure.  I've been beating myself up for the decisions I've been making and my own criticism has made me very sensitive to the judgment of others.  

All of this has really made me hope that my thyroid is somehow to blame.  Give me a reason why I'm not progressing the way I want to.  I'm not asking for 20lbs a month.  Heck, 4lbs a month would be great.  I've lost 12lbs in five months.  It just doesn't make any sense.

And let me tell you, this is dangerous territory for me.  Everytime I've been on a weight loss journey (diet, if you will) and it ceased to work, my impatience and frustration would lead to binging, and then to forsaking the whole "diet" altogether.   I've already done some binging a meal or two here and there, a day or two here and there.  Right now all I can think about is why am I denying myself all the things I want to eat when it's not working?

Dangerous, dangerous ground. 

I really believe the metabolism is the root of everything.  The reason I feel so sluggish and uninspired even to walk across the room.  It's gotten way worse in the last two weeks.  I know depression is a total factor, but even that can be attributed back to hypothyroidism. 

Maybe that's just because I want to believe one pill can make all the difference.  Everything could start working again if I just take a pill a day.  I'll be able to lose weight, I'll be able to have another child, I'll be able to keep my house as clean as I like it to be without getting mad that the other members of my family won't do the work I'm just too bloody tired to do.

I need some kind of life raft.  I'm drowning here.

 

An Out of Whack Sacroiliac

This morning I was dragged out of sleep by my insistant pain in my lower back/left hip.  More drugs meant I was sacked out for much of the day. 

So far it hasn't been dehabilitating, so I'm just taking it easy and getting through each day that brings me closer to being insured.  I'm going to have my doctor do a complete physical to address some of my health issues.

I have to tell you, if it is hypothyroidism that is the root cause of my lethargy I will be so happy.  Why?  Because it won't be a sign of my failure anymore.  And it'll be easy to fix (a pill a day) and maintain.  From the low waking temps to the depression/anxiety/fatigue and even irritabilty and moodiness and infertility, concluded with how hard it has been to maintain steady weight loss no matter what I do, it really seems like a distinct possibility. 

And of course therapy for the back and a clear go ahead for the exercise that will help me make my back stronger and my body healthier will be a relief as well.

Only six days to go.

 

A Low Moment

The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.  Never before has this saying applied more to my life than it has this week.

Tuesday I had my back problems again and went down for a nap.  By the time I got up I had no inclination whatsoever to do anything.  I didn't even want to work that night, but I had to.

Yesterday I just chilled all day.  I did what little work that had to be done and then I just did nothing else (productive anyway) all day.  To top it off, I didn't even want to make dinner and we all know what that means.  Yep. Takeout. 

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know all I have to do is just DO these things but I keep folding like a cheap lawn chair.  Right now I'm so tired I could probably just go back to bed.

And my clothes are still fitting tighter.  I'm either packing on the pounds or bloating like a balloon.  I could put it all on my back - and it's true that I don't want to have my back go out again.  I'd rather take it easy until I get a doctor's ok rather than go through the excruciating pain I went through back in August.

I'll be honest with you.  I hate, really hate to have to depend on anyone.  When I was out of commission with my back I haaaaaaaaaaaaated it.  I didn't like having to be waited on hand and foot.  I mean sure, I like for people to dote on me, but I don't like feeling like it's beyond my control.  When I couldn't stand or walk and couldn't do what I wanted to do, it was torture.  So yeah, I'm not going to do anything to jeapordize that.

But I just feel so darn guilty about it.  I feel like this huge slacker, pun intended.  I know that if I just do the things I need to do I won't feel so bad about doing the things I want to do.  If I want to have a slice of pizza, then I go for a walk.  Now if I eat a slice of pizza I feel like I'm undoing a year's worth of progress.

Ugh.  So why can't I just get moving??

I think I'm going to have the doc check out my thyroid.  I think my metabolism is just way low.  I'm constantly fatigued, even when I was exercising.  I've been reading about it and I found something interesting.  One of the ways you can tell if you may have hypothyroidism (meaning slow as a dang slug metabolism) is by your waking temperatures.  When Steven and I were trying to conceive back in 2000 when I was so much heavier, my waking temps were so low they didn't even fit on the charts.  It was like 95.  The average is between 97-98.  Now my waking temps are about 96.5 so it's better but still on the low side.  That coupled with fatigue and how utterly slow the weight is coming off despite activity or diet has me wondering.  It can't hurt to get it checked out.  I found some natural remedies that can help boost the metabolism, so I hope that with that, I'll start to see an improvement.

Back in the day when I was taking ephedra, before a scary incident that had me swear off of it forever, I remember thinking how nice it was to have all that extra energy.  In fact, that was one of the things I hated about having to stop.  It meant I had to go back to my sluggish routine. 

I think my waking schedule is trying to switch back to being awake later and sleeping in later.  That never helps anything.  By the time I get a running start on the day I'm too tired to do anything I need to do. 

As the weather cools down I will be able to do my walks later, which should help.  Now when I wake up early to do my work all I can think about is going back to sleep.  In fact that bed is looking mighty inviting right now. 

Anyway I'm down but I'm not out.  I'm just restrategizing and trying to regroup.  I'm not about to give up now. 

But this journal is to document the journey, and right now I'm in the valley.  The valley so low.

 

Back on the Horse... or at least - beside it.

Tuesdays are killer days for me.  I have to get up extra early and do several hours worth of work.  Both last week and today it's done a number on my back.  I'll be so glad when October hits so I can finally see a doctor about this.

Yesterday was my official Back on Track day.  Eating well: check.  Plan to exercise: check.  Actually getting off of my butt and doing it: er, not checked.  I meant to go for a walk last night with Steven but we were so bombarded with errands to run, and Steven is working a 46 hour week this week so he didn't get home until late anyway - we didn't even sit down to dinner until 9:30pm. 

But I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I am going to take a pill for my back, lay down for a bit and then hit the ground running.  Oprah got fit this summer doing Pilates daily - so I figure I'm going to bump it up to doing Pilates during the week.  I may not can do the crunches right away, but Pilates is all about strengthening your core.  My plan until I can see a doc:  if it hurts, don't do it.

Having the food back under control was a very good thing though.  I don't like feeling out of control, and the, "if I don't know how bad it is, it doesn't count" theory no longer works for me.  I even had a big ol salad yesterday.  It was good, too.  And I found a sugar free creamy bacon dressing yesterday with only like 4 grams of fat - I can't wait to try it today. 

In the meantime, it's time for a pain reliever.  I'm getting mighty fed up with this stupid back pain.  Grrrrr.

 

Survival of the Fattest... er, Fittest

Here I am on Day 1 of my new resolve.  Last week was a bust, the weekend was completely off the charts and now I get to rededicate myself to the process.

I'm a week away from the year mark of my weight loss journey.  72 pounds is nothing to sneeze at and I'm going to be proud of the success I've made.  I'm wearing smaller clothes, I'm doing a lot more activity than I used to.  I even have more energy that I used to. 

This past week off program has really opened my eyes to the way I used to be to the way I was becoming.  Right now I'm tired and listless, all directly due to caving in to a week of bad behavior.  Last week it was the exercise, over the weekend it was the food.  I went to church wearing clothes that fit fine when I first bought them, but I felt all fat and bloated and yucky.  That saying, "Nothing tastes as good as being thin" is so true. 

Something occurred to me last night, something I've really lost sight of.  As I said, I'm approaching the year mark of this journey.  Last year around this time I was completely and utterly devastated.  I was hit by a trauma trifecta.  First was the anniversary of 9-11, and you already know how that affects me.  Then on September 12th I heard of John Ritter passing away, which was so sad.  He was one of my favorite actors and his death was so sudden.  I remember wanting to call Dan up and talk about it but I didn't have the phone.  I wish now that I had because September 13 really brought me to my knees. 

I remember being so sad, so devastated, so angry at life that it could be so cruel.  God too, to be honest.  I was so upset and suddenly my own mortality was thrown sharply into focus.  Suddenly that little fairy tale I've always told myself that I would live to be a ripe old age was challenged.  Suddenly I was reminded that Death lurks in every corner, ready to pounce, and it is not discriminating.  He comes for us all.

I was watching the Emmys last night and as usual done in by the In Memorium roll call.  Last night, however, I had a flashback of what last year was like.  Last year when I watched that I was right in the clutches of that extreme, profound depression and sadness.  It occurred to me that this is it.  That's all our lives amount to.  A hundred years from now all that will be left of us is a name and a date.  Some people will be more remembered than others - John Ritter cemented his mark on the world through film and television.  People will get to know him each time they watch Three's Company in reruns.  Daniel on the other hand, will be a well kept secret.  Either way, it doesn't matter what we do, what we say, who we love - every single one of us will meet the same fate. 

I was so depressed that, even though Steven and I tried for so long to have a child, I suddenly felt it was pointless to bring another life into this world.  Why bother?  Who knows what life has in store for my next child?  What's the point?

And yet, even in the midst of all that - I somehow managed to pick myself up, crawl broken and bleeding until I could once again rise to my feet.  I struggled through each and every hurdle, first walking, then running, then hurtling headlong into the fight of my life.  The fight FOR my life.  I wasn't going to let it end like that.  I was going to be more than just a name someone could easily forget.  I was going to put an indelible mark on the world, some way, somehow ... despite it all.

Survival is a remarkable thing.  When life tries to cut us off at the knees, the human spirit remains strong enough to fight with everything its got to press on - despite the inevitable finish line.  Survival is our most fundamental need on which everything else is based.

So here I am a year later.  I've lost a decent amount of weight, I've come a long way.  With that came a certain complacency - gone was the urgent need to survive, to fight and claw my way to the finish line.  I've backed away from the front line of this war to such an extent I forgot the battle was still raging. 

I am not done.  This is not over.  Today is the first day back on the front line and I will win.

Aaack

What's that saying, life is what happens to you when you're busy making plans?

Today is my son Jeremiah's birthday.  He's 12.  I was just going to do the birthday party on Saturday, but like any mother I want to spoil my kid rotten on his special day.  So he gets two, count em, two parties.  One, tonight, a barbeque at the house and the next one tomorrow at a pizza joint in town.  One is for family, the other is for the kids solely.

In the meantime, what Steven wanted to do on Monday we're doing tonight instead - and I'm frantic about the state of my house.  With two kids, my house has always been chaotic, but unless I do something it never gets really clean.  Call it the curse of living with men.   I actually think I wouldn't mind having twin girls, because that would raise the estrogen level around here. 

Anyway so last night we went shopping for the birthday boy and didn't get home till late.  So guess what happened to that walk.  Yep, you guessed correctly.  I have so fallen off the wagon this week. 

But I'm not going to beat myself up for it.  I'm going to go ahead and ride out the rest of this week and start Monday anew.  I'm not even going to weigh in tomorrow. 

One thing I finally DID get accomplished is the final draft of my sitcom pilot for Bravo's Situation: Comedy.  I'm pretty proud of it, actually, I think I actually have a fighting chance.  I know the competition is stiff BUT I think I have a rather unique idea.

Here's the logline:  When the Devil gets fired and kicked out of hell, he must find a new job and a place to live in Los Angeles.

Title:  The Devil Went Down to Burbank

So in between cleaning my house top to bottom I need to go proof it one more time, print it, brad it and get it in the mail.

Who needs to exercise??  I'm burning tons o' calories just running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

 

Being Still

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  I'm not real good at being still and doing nothing. 

Yesterday when I woke up from my drug induced nap, my back was twinging worse than ever.  So I didn't bother doing much of anything.  Was supposed to go shopping, didn't.  Was supposed to go on a walk, didn't.  Was supposed to cook dinner, didn't.  Was supposed to write on the sitcom so I could get it prepared for the Saturday deadline, finally did because I just couldn't stand doing nothing anymore.

I'm one of those crazy folks who mistake motion for progress.  I'm always doing something.  To be out of whack this week due to the depression of early week and the pain of mid week makes me feel like I'm stalled in the mud.  I know I can lose weight but I'm not going to do that sitting on my rump.

So today, unless my back goes totally out I'm going to make that walk.  I'll take the short route and I'll walk it slow, but I'm going to do it. 

 

New Habits are Easy to Break...

So have I wimped out or what??

It's now the 15th and I still haven't done my 11th update.  My bad. 

I still haven't gone for a walk, although I did chart my eating last couple of days and met my calorie requirements.

I think the walk is out again today... my back nearly went out again yesterday and it's twinging like crazy this morning.  I sneezed and thought that would be the sneeze that broke the Ginger's back.  I'll save the walk for tonight and go with Steven, that way if my back does get out on me I'll have someone there to help me and a car to make it home in.

Of course I said that yesterday too and just spaced it. 

Needless to say, Pilates will not be done today either.

I'll be glad when October comes and I can finally go see a doctor about this, make sure it's nothing serious.  I'm sure exercise will be prescribed, I just don't want to misjudge and overextend myself now and really do damage.

I feel like a total wimp tho, like I'm making tons of excuses. 

Oprah had her "wildest dream" show on Monday and I realized my "wildest dreams" are generally something that cannot just be handed to me, they're things I have to work for.  The only one of these following dreams she could really do for me is #3:

Ginger's Wildest Dreams

1.  Lose down to goal weight (and go on Oprah's show)
2.  Sell something I write for substantial money
3.  Have Steve Perry sing to me

Numbers 1 and 2 are largely dependent on what I do, the work I put into them.  Of course, going on Oprah's show after I hit goal she can help me with, but other than that these are things I'm going to have to do on my own. 

So I guess they're not dreams really, but goals.  I intend on meeting them - but I feel like if I don't get out of this rut I'm never going to get there.  I need to just bulldoze through the barriers and renew my focus.

I'm down... but I'm not out.

 

Depression Bites

I lied.  I let my emotions influence my eating this weekend.  I didn't go totally off the wagon but I was hanging on by a bootstrap, I'll tell ya that.  We went to a restaurant and I still had the chicken instead of the red meat, but I had it smothered with sauteed stuff.  I didn't get a dessert for myself, but I dug into the one Steven got for everyone to share.  I drank lemonade, which meant my no sugar thing was out the window.

Saturday I weighed in at 278, but I lost two inches so I know that I lost fat and gained muscle.  I'm going to stay at the 2000 calorie mark for a little while longer. 

I haven't gone on my walks since Thursday.  I haven't written anything on either project since Saturday.  Steven wanted to throw a barbeque today so we could honor Dan, I had to let him in on the fact I don't want to be around people when I'm depressed.  Grief is something I suffer alone.  It always has been.  I don't want to have to entertain a houseful of people tonight... I just want to work, or write... or do anything but think about Dan. 

I let the kids stay home from school today.  I know how hard it is to get through the day like it's any normal day when all you want to do is just be anywhere else doing anything else.  Of course, this means I'm not totally alone which isn't all that great for me.  Instead I stayed in bed till noon. 

I'll be okay tomorrow.  I find if I just let myself have these moments that it helps.  It's like a steam valve.  I don't deny my feelings, I just give it its proper place.

Anyway I'll do the 11th update tomorrow.  Naturally I didn't do it on Saturday - I only wanted to deal with what that day has come to mean for all of us as a nation.  Loss.

But a new day brings new hope. 

I'll leave you all with two poems.

God has not promised 

skies always blue,

flower strewn pathways 

all our lives through.

God has not promised 

sun without rain,

joy without sorrow, 

peace without pain.

But God has promised 

strength for the day,

rest for the laborer,

light on the way,

grace for the trial,

help from above,

unfailing sympathy,

undying love

and for Dan - we miss you and we love you.  We will be together again.

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God

Was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly,

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone;

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories,

Your love is still our guide;

And though we can not see you,

You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same;

But as God calls us one by one,

THE CHAIN will link again.

I Want it Back

9/10/2001.

I want it back.

I want the NYC skyline back.  I want all those familes to be whole.  I want what I had in 2001 - as a newlywed, as someone who thought the world was finally getting in the right order.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

1/14/95.

I want it back. 

Brandon was alive and I did not know the devastating pain of losing a child.  My heart did not have an irreparable hole.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

12/18/80.

I want it back.

My dad was alive and I knew that no matter where I was, someone was there would always believe in me.  I wouldn't grow up feeling so alone I took all the wrong paths.

Dan was alive and the world was all right.

9/12/03.

I want it back.

Because I just don't want to hurt over these losses anymore. 

I know that they all sculpted me into who I am supposed to be - but each one is such a painful scar on my soul that aches.  Maybe not daily, maybe only once or twice a year anymore... but it still aches.

I know I wouldn't be here on this journey had it not been for Dan.

I know I wouldn't have met Dan if it weren't for Dad.

It all adds up.

But it all hurts.

And in my weakest moments, moments like now, I just want them all back.

 

A little off kilter...

I went to bed an hour late, I got up an hour late.  I was in a fog until about half way through my walk and then I finally started to wake up.

And let's not discuss how many actual hours of "work" I've logged in.  Let's just say it's going to be busy busy busy from here till Tuesday trying to make it up.

I'm not looking forward to this coming week.  9/11 traumatized me very much, and every year it's like honoring the anniversary of a death.  It was a death of sorts - not because I knew anyone, but because it was the death of a security I always took for granted.  I cannot even wrap my mind around what it's like for those who live in NYC or Washington DC, for those who knew the victims - or the survivors themselves.  My best friend said that he watched a documentary which interviewed a lady who lived in an apartment in the vicinity of the WTC, who had bodies literally rain down on her balcony.

I'd still have to be in intensive therapy.  Actually - I'd probably need to be in a home. 

Right now I'm feeling really numb.  Because it's not just 9/11 this year.  This year, 9/11 is followed closely by 9/13 and I dread it, dread it, dread it.  It's the anniversary of Dan's passing.  I dread it not just for me but for my kids.  Poor Jeremiah's birthday is 9/17, and he doesn't know what to feel.  Overwhelming sadness because he lost his dad crashes against the anticipation that all kids should have when they face a birthday. 

Life is cruel and fate has a morbid sense of timing, that's all I have to say.  Timothy's birthday is just the day after Brandon (my other son's) passed and now Jeremiah.  I have resigned myself to the fact that I was meant to be their mother because of the experiences I have endured regarding death, so that I could help them through these things.  But I don't really know how to help them, considering I tend to agree with them - it really totally sucks.

I'm not worried about eating the pain away.  Like I said I'm pretty well numb at this point.  I think, since the Beaches incident a couple of weeks ago, that I put all my emotions on mute.  It just got to be too much.   I know that some posts coming up will be more emotionally driven, because I'm going to use this as my outlet and not food, so bear with me.  I anticipate the numbness will go away, probably without warning.

The depression is working a little bit more insidiously this time around, I noticed a cough a few days ago.  At first it kind of scared me a little because I don't recall ever getting a cough out of no where.  That, after my week of exhaustion had me going to my hypochondriac extremes thinking OMG it's heart failure. 

Now this isn't completely without merit.  Several years back I lost a fellow coworker to heart failure and she was only 26 years old.  So her initial symptoms have forever burned into my memory.  So much so that when I had my gallbladder trouble a couple of years ago I could have sworn it was heart trouble.  I had every heart test known to man just to make sure, I can't even tell you how many times I went to the ER with "chest pains".  Turns out they were upper abdominal pains instead.

But I'll never laying on an ER gurney thinking, "That's it, buckaroo.  You blew it.  You threw caution to the wind for decades, growing to a scary, morbidly obese size and you painted yourself into a corner."  I was sure I was afflicted with some life threatening condition I brought on myself because of a lifetime of bad choices.

And now, here I am, on the cusp of making a success out of myself and what happens?  I freak out over every little hiccup and cough like I'm going to drop over dead at any moment.

I'm sure it's all psychological.  Some deep seated fear that I do not deserve success and that God is going to kill me before I can realize some of these dreams.  Kind of like George Costanza on Seinfeld, where he flips out over a white spot on his face right around the time their pilot was due to air.

Anyway as of next month we're going to be totally covered with medical insurance and I am going to have a complete physical, get all checked out, top to toe.  So no more of this stuff.  I've got too much to do to waste my time on these kind of foundless worries.

Yesterday I studied a book I bought on writing sitcoms, read it nearly cover to cover - studying until I got a headache.  I think I'm ready to put the finishing touches on this script.  So next week I'll put it up and let you all get to see what I've been toiling over.

I'm pretty proud of it, to be honest.  I really think it's got a fighting chance to make it.  And my new co writer for Comic Squad says it's just about ready and is going to start sending out feelers to his contacts to see if we'll get any bites. 

It's coming.  And white spot or not, God's not going to kill me before I see that success.  :)

 

Another Four Letter Word... Busy

There have been times in my life when I filled it completely with things to avoid other things.  I've been saying I've been "too busy" for this or that for as long as I can remember. 

I'd work those twelve hour days.  I'd get two jobs at the same time.  Mind you I was never working toward anything, just avoiding everything.

In these last few weeks I've been "too busy" again.  Only this time I am working toward something.  I've had to prioritize my life around my long-term goals.  For instance, I have to carve out a chunk of time every day for my walk so I can meet my weight loss goals.  I have to carve out time while everyone is at work/school to write so I can meet my career goals.  I also have to stuff actual "real" work in there so I can meet financial obligations.

The people who get lost in the shuffle - my kids.  My husband.  My family.  My journal.

Yesterday I fell off the wagon and didn't walk my new, longer route like Monday.  Monday Steven went with me because it was Labor Day and he was off.  He suffered the whole day in his legs, apparently his not going with me in the mornings has gotten him out of condition.  My legs didn't hurt going the longer route, strangely enough my glutes did.  I think I literally walked my butt off.

And if that weren't enough I fell back on my old standby - fast food.  Boy, there's two four letter words in one shot.  I'm not going over the higher calorie limit I've given myself, but I know I could be making MUCH better food choices if I just carved out the time to prepare dinner. 

I can see how living life can actually get in the way of the weight loss journey for so many.  Wasn't John Lennon who said that life is what happens to you when you're busy making plans?  Each day I'm not at goal I'm smack dab in the middle of a plan to get me there.

It's just going to take a little bit more diligence on my part.  I've come so far the last thing I want to do is lose ground.  Last week I spaced Pilates and that's not helping me lose those inches.  So I'm recommitting myself.  To the exercise (I walked 4 miles today), to the food (there's a big salad in my future), to the work (gonna get real work and writing done today before the kids come home), to the family (gonna spend time with my kids today when they come home and get OFF the frickin computer and be a Mom) and most importantly, to the journal.  This is my anchor and I need to get out of this lazy mode and get my tired, busy rump in gear.

Weigh Ins and Photo Updates

I've vowed to stop using the home scale to weigh in.  It had me weighing in up to 288lbs and I was not looking forward to going to GNC.  However, the GNC scaled showed a pound loss for the week, so now I'm at 278.  This is good news.

I've maintained the 2000 calorie diet for the last few days but I feel like I'm undoing all the good I've done.  This week starts my "salad" week, so this should help. 

Today we walked a mile more, and Steven went with because he was off work.  With him and the kids being home I didn't even bother with the Pilates, I'll do that on Wednesday and Friday though.

Still working hard on my family comedy Comic Squad.  Working with another writer has been an interesting experience.  It's certainly kept a fire under my tail.  I've been working on something writing related pretty much non stop since we agreed to work together.  Between that and the TV script which has a 9/18 deadline, and the two scripts the lady from Vegas requested (The Devil's Due and My Immortal respectively), I've been a busy bee.

And I love it.  I absolutely do.  I finally feel like I'm getting everything together.  By 2pm today I had done about two hours of "real" work, gone for a 4 mile walk, did two loads of laundry, reworked 40 pages of Comic Squad, and cut all my veggies up for the rest of the week.  If I keep up this pace I will have no choice but to lose weight AND sell something besides.

And to top it all off I'm being featured on AOL Diet & Fitness, which is way cool.  It'll mark the third time this journal is featured, and I'm pretty excited about that.  When I started this journey in September 2003 I couldn't see past the end of the day, much less all the months I've put under my belt here on this journal.  And it hasn't always been ideal - I've hit my share of plateaus.  Not every day has been perfect, in fact most haven't been.  But here on this journey I remain, and I'm very proud of that.  It's the longest I've ever managed to stay on any weight loss regimen, most times I petered out after a few months.  Now I can honestly say I've developed a healthier style of eating.

After church yesterday Mom treated us to Long John Silvers.  I got a nutritional information packet and managed to plan my meal to minimize the damage but still have the rare (very rare) indulgence of fried food.  Ikept expecting for my gall bladder to rebel but fortunately everything remained calm all night.  That doesn't mean I'm going to go back to LJS for more fried food, in fact I already have an eating plan if I do go back that will help keep me on a healthy track.

That, and finding a sugar free recipe for key lime pie, is all indicative of my goal to eat more consciously and healthily - something that isn't a choice anymore.  They say if you do anything for more than a month it becomes a habit.  After nearly a year, I can safely say this is not even a habit anymore, it's a way of life.

But most importantly, I no longer beat myself up for the mistakes.  I don't have to go spiraling into a pit of guilt that causes me to not only fall off the wagon but tip the darn thing over and leave it behind.  Instead I pick myself up and move on, knowing that on mess up doesn't mean ultimate failure.  What is important is getting through the day, making the best choices I can.

 

I Have Made Up My Mind...

I don't care what the scale says. 

I ate a really good meal last night - a really good meal.  Took my calories over 2000.  I stepped on my home scale this morning and saw a weight gain of 5lbs.  Five pounds!! 

I know I did not gain five pounds on the meal I ate last night.  I had a 6oz pork chop, baked, fat not eaten, I had a half serving of Rice a Roni Broccoli Au Gratin, I had a serving of Ranch Style Beans and a piece of my cheated garlic bread (made out of wheat rolls with garlic powder, no salt, and lower fat margerine).  This meal did not make me gain five pounds. 

I've been 3 miles every day, with effort mind you - making it in an hour most days or darn close the other days.  All my calories this week have come seriously under 2000, and I've been drinking my water every day (around about 60oz).

There is no way that equals a weight gain.  Period.  I don't care what the scale says.  When I weigh in tomorrow at GNC if it says I have gained five pounds, I won't care about that either.

I've finally flipped it over in my head that I'm doing what I need to do to be healthy - I'm eating the right things, I'm exercising, and the weight loss will come.  If not today, it will definitely come soon.  It has to.

Another thing I have decided is that I have just as much chance as anyone to win that contest on Bravo.  Yesterday I started wigging out a bit thinking about the competition - that more than likely they're going to get a huge response to this free contest (The Nicholl gets about 6000 a year, with a fee and without national advertising).  I figure most will be people trying to cash in on quick money and fame but won't have a lick of talent (like an American Idol audition for writing).  Most will likely try to cash in on the gay angle considering Sean Hayes is a co producer, and this is the network that brought us Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, so I wouldn't be surprised the hackneyed ideas they will have to sort through.

Those people don't concern me.  It's the people who have worked in television before, who aren't working now and need a gig.  This is open to everyone, professsional and amateur alike.  And there are a lot of people with a lot more experience than me.

However...

There's no one out there with this idea (I'm pretty sure - it's fairly original.  I'm going to let y'all read it as soon as the contest is closed).  I am a talented writer and even though I don't have a lot of experience with sitcom scripts I do have experience writing scripts - and the sitcom is just a hybrid of the feature film scripts I already know how to write.  The idea is funny, it has a lot of room for growth - read: longevity.  And they would want me to make it to the final two.

I'm someone people can root for.  I'm following my dream on the heels of what I've accomplished (and continue to accomplish) with the weight loss.  By the time the reality show portion of this contest goes into production, there's no telling how much more weight I'll have lost - this would truly be a rags to riches story.  Middle American may not relate to someone wanting to write and getting their chance, but I know a heck of a lot of people understand breaking through what holds us back to live the life of our dreams.  This is the story that brings out the champion in all of us.

And I have it!

They want me.  Not only because I can give them the sitcom they want (funny, original), but because I can make the most out of the reality show they want to preface it. 

Yep.  I'm gonna win. 

So that's it.  The Chatterbox is officially on Mute and I'm going to start thinking positive.  It is hard for me, it feels like conceit, but you know what?  Forget that.  Like my wonderful cousin Jay says, I'm not conceited.  I'm convinced.

This is my offical Declaration of Success:

In the weight loss - I will not be moved by what I see on the scale.  I'm going to have faith that all my hard work will pay off.

In the writing  - They say that success is what happens with talent meets opportunity.  So I'm going to seize every single opportunity instead of listening to that doubting Thomas that says I don't have a chance because there's someone out there better than me.  That, indeed, is true.  But that doesn't mean I don't have the talent to pull it off - I have just as much chance as anyone else, if not more than most.

I'll leave you with a motivational song for today:

Prince/ Baby I'm a Star

Hey, look me over
Tell me do u like what u see?
Hey, I ain't got no money
But honey I'm rich on personality
Hey, check it all out
Baby I know what it's all about
Before the night is through
U will see my point of view
Even if I have 2 scream and shout

Baby I'm a (star)
Might not know it now
Baby but I r, I'm a (star)
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
Sing it (We are all a star!)

Hey, take a listen
Tell me do u like what u hear?
If it don't turn u on
Just say the word and I'm gone
But honey I know, ain't nothing
Wrong with your ears
Hey, check it all out
Better look now or it just might be 2 late (just might be 2 late)
My lucks gonna change tonight
There's gotta be a better life
Take a picture sweetie
I ain't got time 2 waste

Oh baby I'm a (star)
Might not know it now
Baby but I r, I'm a (star)
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
Sing it! (We are all a star!)

Everybody say, nothing come 2 easy
But when u got it baby, nothing come 2 hard
You'll see what I'm all about (see what I'm all about)
If I gotta scream and shout (if I gotta scream and shout)
Baby baby (baby) baby (baby) baby (baby)
yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (star)

Might not know it now
Baby but I r, I'm a (star)
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
Sing it! (star)

Baby baby baby
oh baby I'm a (star)
baby baby baby
somebody
(We are all a star)

(Baby I'm a star)
We are all a star

We are all a star

 

To Busy Writing to Write

But I have to tell you I'm extremely jazzed.

Last week I sent my script, "My Immortal", over to a writing peer of mine who promptly tore it to shreads and told me what a pretentious bore I was being, muddling down a script that should read fast and crisp with too much prose. 

It may sound like he was being mean but in fact he was using what he's learned as a screenwriter as tough love to make that script better.  That's what critiques are for. 

Undaunted I sent him "Comic Squad", and though he felt the first act suffered the same verbosity that "My Immortal" did, but after the first act break things started moving like they should and it's a really strong script.  So strong, he offered to sign onto the project, help me clean it up, tighten it up and pass it along to some of his contacts. 

This is very good news - and so I've been busting my hump with a rewrite off of his notes and his suggestions.  We still have a long way to go, but he wants a pretty polished product in two weeks so we can start getting this puppy in circulation.  I worked through the first act (first 20-30) pages yesterday, only to come up with another plot point that needs to change some things around yet again. 

He also read the sitcom script I wrote and sang nothing but praises so far... so that's a very VERY good thing.  I ended up tearing it myself and switching it around because the more I read the more I realize I don't know what I'm doing.  And I want this to be the very best it can be.

My best friend Jeff has agreed to sign onto the project, so like Jerry and George we are going to tackle the arduous task of sitcom writing as a team.  The more we go along the more Costanza-ish I become. 

And to top it all off I'm trying my hand at pitching, entering a contest that would garner me a free entry into a screenwriting contest.  I got so ambitious I sent them a pitch for a story that isn't even done yet (hey, they offered).  If it wins an entry that means I'll be plunged into another project.

But I gotta tell you I just couldn't be happier.  This is what I want to do - this is what I feel I was meant to do.  I lose myself in the process, I get high from the challenges, I love getting my hands dirty and walking away with something that makes other people excited, happy, laugh, cry, scared, etc. 

So I'm determined to win this sitcom contest.  This is a foot in the door that would open up the world for me.  I was so excited to get up and write I nearly hopped out of bed at 4am this morning. 

This is not to suggest that the weight loss has taken a backburner.  Not in the least.  I've made the walk every day this week.  I spaced the Pilates completely, through work or writing.  I get the house to myself during the day while Steven is at work and the kids are at school, so I've enjoyed being able to do these things in peace.  By the time I think about Pilates, the kids are generally home already.  So next week, I promise.

I've also been doing well on the food, generally not even getting to 1800 calories a day.  I have to wonder if that's good for me or not because the weight loss is stagnant again.  I wonder if eating MORE would help me lose more.  My body is burning up a ton of calories in exercise - maybe if I ate more it would speed up the metabolism process.

Truthfully I'm seriously under what I should be eating.  They say not to shave more than 1000 calories off of the calories you burn, and according to fit day I burn about 3800 a day.  So that would suggest I should eat 2800 calories a day, and I've been aiming for 1800. 

I think what I'm going to do is to buy salad stuff and eat a lot more frequently.  I know I always say I'm going to do this and never do, but I'm just going to have to force myself.  If I cut all the stuff up and put it in tupperware over the weekend, maybe it won't be such a pain in the you know where to prepare it all week.  If I had a personal chef I'd be thin by now - I just hate to get in there and cook.  And I'm a good cook too, so go figure.

But I figure if I get stuff like chicken and cheese to use as protein, and just eat till I'm content on stuff that won't really affect my totals all that much.  Maybe raise the bar to 2000 calories on the "real" food.  The idea of eating more than 1800 calories seriously bothers me.  I feel like I'm going to undo what I've done. 

However if I keep up the walking, and up the weight training, it really shouldn't affect the weight.  Active people require more calories. 

I've got a TV show to prepare for - I am in serious training not only in writing, but in personal appearance also.

I'm going to succeed.  Bottom line.

Oh, and I know it's the first but since I can't get to GNC till the weekend, I'll do the photo update on Saturday. 

**side note, Journey2Sarah asked about the people in Las Vegas I met, and it was that couple of independent filmmakers who were shooting a documentary.  One of the ladies was kind enough to offer a read of one of my scripts, so I have her email but I'm sitting on which project I should send her - knowing I'm going to have to go in and clean it up to be extra professional looking by the time I send it.  It will probably be My Immortal or another drama I have, Dirty Little Secrets.  I'll just have to read through both with a fine tooth comb to figure out which one is stronger.