My best friend forwarded me this news article a day or so ago: http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/wwn/20031117/106908120003.html
He was outraged. I, however, was deeply humbled.
You see, having been much heavier myself, this sort of thing was a constant source of stress to me. It's hard to fit in when you're as big as I used to be. I couldn't fit into restaurant booths, I couldn't fit on certain roller coaster rides (I actually got ousted once - was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life), sometimes it was tricky even fitting in certain tubs.
Seatbelts stretched to their limit, nearly choking me at the neck. And the last several times I've flown I needed the seat belt extension. I was even moved from the emergency aisle because my needing one meant I wasn't eligible to sit there. I was too fat to save a life apparently.
I couldn't fit into clothes at regular stores, I had to shop specialty stores. Sometimes it was uncomfortable even sitting in a movie theater seat, depending on if the arms lifted up or not.
What's truly weird is despite the amazing weight loss I've enjoyed, I still fear these things. I still regard them with extreme caution because I'm scared spitless of not being able to fit. Even though I have progressed to sitting in any booth I've attempted to sit in, even though I've purchased clothes from a regular department store and they fit, despite the fact that I've lost a whopping 12" around my "girth", I'm even anxious over getting on that airplane a couple of weeks from now.
I know these things "should" accommodate me, but I'm having a really hard time seeing myself as anything but that 350lb woman I allowed myself to be. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the changes. I still feel like I used to feel. I have the occasional "thin" days, they were more frequent when I was able to work out. Pilates was really doing the trick in molding my body. But generally I feel too big for the world around me.
You'd think I'd have gotten rid of it after all this time. I know I thought I would. I guess that's where my focus shifts back to the weight loss. I keep thinking if I just get to the places I used to be I won't feel so big anymore. When I was a teenager I was in the 210-220s and wearing size 22s, I cannot believe now that hitting that same weight will feel like such a huge milestone to me.
So I guess being closer than I've been in maybe 9 years has got me a little ... eager to get to that next step.
But it's all about perspective. I read a thread on the Richard Simmons message board yesterday that said we should celebrate our plateaus. After we hit goal weight then our eating habits must sustain our new healthy fit selves, it won't be about weight loss anymore. So plateaus offer us a glimpse at what it's going to be like at goal weight. When we're eating not to lose, but to live as healthy a life as we can.
It's easier said than done. This weight loss journey has become such a part of who I am. Even when I go to Las Vegas, my brain is going to be ever focused on doing what I can to maintain the weight loss (going to the gym at the hotel, walking everywhere possible, watching what I eat and drink).
I just don't feel I can ever just let things slide. Because in my mind, I feel like I'm so close to being that woman in that news article. All it takes is just a lax in my attitude and I can easily spiral to bigger than I was before. Every single day is a new battlefield, filled with challenges to overcome. When I say that I'm fighting off the fight girl inside, that's not a clever turn of a phrase. I'm holding that witch off as best I can, sometimes I get the upper hand and sometimes she does ... but every single day she's back and ready to kill me by slow suicide.
The good news is the strides that I have made, although they are not knee jerk reactions, are giving the thin me a strong resolve to keep going. I may be a little nervous about sliding into a restaurant booth, but once I do and I fit, it is just one more reason to keep going. And let me tell you this, if I sit on that plane and can hook that seat belt with no help from an extension - I'm going to be unstoppable. Because to me, that is a great big milestone. Which is why I wanted to make this trip.
I had always flown Southwest Airlines and enjoyed my experiences, they were always really good to me, very discreet. Even though I got moved from the emergency aisle the flight attendant was very nice about it and kept the embarrassment to a minimum. When they decided to enforce their obesity policy (where if a person of size would need to purchase a second seat if they didn't fit into their one) I haven't flown anywhere since. I could not deal with the embarrassment of possibly needing to purchase a second seat. Needless to say if I fit into that seat and buckle that belt with no problem, it will open up the entire world to me.
And that fat witch won't have a chubby leg to stand on.
I'm going to fit in. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon. And for the rest of my life.
3 comments:
That article hardly seems real! How can people be so obscene to one another? Everybody knows about thyroid and other abnormalities! How strange for them all to assume that the woman did not have a genetic disorder; and even if she did not there is never a reason for anyone to behave as they have and in the sheer numbers of participants. I am thrilled the restaurant caught the people on camera! What a tape that must make!
Like your friend, I too never really knew people could be so cruel until I really started talking with a friend of mine's daughter--she told me how people behave toward her. She must weigh about 4-500 lbs. If she had not told me about it, I would have had a hard time not being totally shocked by the article. I am so happy for you Ginger that you are being freed from your airline plight and others. This is a great time for you!
Hi Ginger,
Well! I encountered a surprise yesterday that you may encounter someday! I used to work with a lady in town that weighed somewhere in the mid-400's. We worked together until I moved to the salon I'm in now (3 years ago). Fast forward, I had a lady stop me yesterday and say, "Hi Jeannie! How are you and hug me up". I'm standing there thinking, "Who is this???" I didn't recognize her. Finally she told me, "Jeannie! It's Pat! Remember me?"
Gin, she and I are the same height 5'1", and she now weighs 123 pounds (less than me and gives me courage again to lose). And no, I didn't know her. What a surprise. She said for a while now she thought nobody liked her anymore but good grief, nobody recognizes her.
I don't know how she did it and probably has had some plastic surgery to go with the wieght loss. You talk about extreme makeovers. I've never seen anything like it. I asked her if she had been on a diet, she said no, she got very, very sick and her doctors took over her world. Whatever she did, and I WILL find out the details, will be interesting. She said once she got past "having a heart attack weight" she started working out at a local gym.
All I can say is I am glad that she feels so wonderful & that she's been pronounced healthy by her doctors. :)
Isn't that a wonderful story? I just love it!
wow, ginger, this article brings tears to my eyes. one part of me can't believe people can be so cruel; but, being an extremely large individual who has been treated shabbily numerous times over the years, i do believe it. geez.
amazingly, due to my job requirements, i'm also a frequent flyer. i, too, have been kicked out of the exit row. this rule seems odd...i'm fat, not weak. i could certainly get that exit window open!
i'm lucky in that the company i work for needs me to travel, so they purchase two seats for me. it's much more pleasant than having to sit beside some person who is pissed about having to sit by me. and i just request the seat belt extension from the flight attendant as i board the plane. i've never flown southwest -- other airlines are discreet and kind as well.
best of luck to you.
Post a Comment