Comfortable in Their Skin

Over the last couple of days I've watched Pirates of the Caribbean and Benny & Joon.  One thing struck me about both Johnny Depp characters, aside from the fact I think he's frickin brilliant as an actor, and that is the characters he plays are so comfortable in their skin.

They don't question whether or not they have the right to be themselves, they just are.  If you're along for the ride, great.  If not, no skin off their noses. 

I have so much respect for this quality.  I scurry around like a little mouse waiting for permission to be myself, saving that only for those I know already like me and won't reject me.  Every time I try to exert my own unique personality, the minute it gets squashed down I clam up and become a chameleon, changing myself for the environment I'm in.  Reason being is my personality is very strong and can be off putting.  If in a debate I tend to come off as personally attacking my opponant, when I take great pains to avoid doing just that. 

I remember a time with my former boss who was extremely negative, trying to stay cheerful and positive, and having her tell me I was "too cheerful".  Knowing what I know now I could tell her with all certainty there is no such thing.  But back then, I scaled down my naturally positive personality and turned into that silly chameleon, taking on her personality so that I would be accepted.

I don't know when I started that, I really don't.  When my dad was alive I never worried about being accepted.  But when he died I guess that part of me died with him.  When puberty hit with all its wonderful little pitfalls like acne, making an already tease target like a 200lb teenager easy prey for junior high heirarchy, more and more of me disappeared.

The fatter I got, the worse it got.  I bought into the myth that I was only as good as I looked.  I bought into the big fat lie that as a woman I was only as good as my dress size.  It's funny how the more imposing I allowed my body to become, the more my soul shrank.  The more the real me seemed to disappear. 

Even still the thoughts linger that once I get to goal weight I'll be better somehow.  I mentioned the sitcom contest a few entries back.  I'm so locked up when it comes to writing this thing because I think deep down the thought of winning scares me.

Bravo is hosting a search for the next sitcom, and they've put out a call to have contestants come up with a premise, write the script and send it in.  The top five people get to meet with executives and pitch their ideas.  The top two pitches enter a ten week competition where they get to go through the process of how a sitcom develops.  This will be televised.  At the end of the ten weeks, the Bravo audience gets to choose which one they like better, and that person is the winner.

Imagine the terror this might strike in the heart of a lily livered chameleon like myself.  The person I depend on to handle the face to face stuff like pitch meetings will have to stay behind to work this new great job he has, plus look after the kids.  So I have to fly solo. 

What's especially interesting to me is that I don't question I *can* make it to this level.  With getting dinked in the Nicholl and possibly the Austin Film Festival, what makes me think I have what it takes to beat the competition (of possibly experienced TV writers)?  But yet, I think I have a shot - or else I wouldn't even enter.  I don't play games I can't win. 

If it does happen, it will do much to yank me out of my comfort zone, that's for sure.  So I long for the ease with which I see other people sail through life as if they have every right in the world to be there on their terms, never compromising who they are for what they want. 

I guess that's one more muscle I'm going to have to exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I did go for a walk this morning.  I've been up since before 6am and I'm going to do my level best to get one more walk in tonight and go to bed at a reasonable time (instead of right this second, cuz I could really use a nap).

I just realized I forgot to do Pilates earlier.  Good habits are easy to break.  Better get cracking before the kids get home.