The Chatterbox

Yesterday I finally got motivated to pound out a rough first draft of my sitcom idea.  All the while I was writing it, I kept thinking, "This isn't funny.  This is bad.  This is crap."  The jokes felt forced, I felt I was trying too hard, it just didn't feel like I was doing it justice.

I know when I write funny.  Though it may sound narcissistic (no, me??), I have written some real laugh out loud stuff.  I laughed, others laughed, it's golden as they say. 

But I was reading over this draft yesterday and I just couldn't get into any kind of groove.  I felt like I was too over the top (my main character is extremely over the top) and it was just completely the opposite of funny. 

Last night the minute Steven came in I made him read it.  I knew if he didn't laugh out loud the entire read it was, indeed, crap.  He's my comedy meter, I didn't think my first script was funny either but it was his being able to bust a gut while reading that finally convinced me.

Last night, he helped proove it again.  the second page in (or first minute of the show), he was nearly in the floor.  This is good news.

So the Chatterbox decided to change gears.  Instead of convincing me that I couldn't do it, it started to convince me that I could.  That doesn't sound too bad, right?  Wrong!  I literally had a panic attack of what it would mean to advance in this thing.

Ten weeks of my lovely face splattered all over the TV.  I nearly swallowed my tongue at the thought.  Dear God, I barely leave my house, much less get broadcast all over the country. 

And if that weren't enough the Chatterbox then berated me for thinking I could be so arrogant to think that I could win.  Me, who has never before written a television script - who has just *now* started researching on how it should be done and the mechanics of why they work.  Who did I think I was that I really write a script in a day with that little knowledge and walk away with the grand prize?

When I start thinking, it's a dangerous thing.

The bottom line is that I may not have that much experience writing sitcom scripts, but I do have five feature length scripts under my belt.  I have been studying how to write stories, to develop characters, to strengthen plots for two years.  I've always been a sitcom fan, and they remain some of my favorite shows (Three's Company, Night Court, Cheers, Roseanne, The Golden Girls, Friends, Seinfeld, etc, etc).  I have been doing unconscious research for years.

And this idea has been perculating since Steven and I started our trip to Vegas (not to mention that it was the direct descendant of our first script - this character is not new to me). We brainstormed a lot, worked our pitch on family and friends (who confirmed it's originality and it's potential to be funny).  My litmus test on how funny the idea is - if I pitch it and people laugh. 

So me pounding out a 40 page script yesterday (really it should be 20, but the format is double spaced) was really a culmination of all the work I had been doing up until then.  I worked the outline out last week, so I had a guideline of what I wanted to do.

All that was left to do was fill it in and make it funny.

I think I did that.  Now I want to make it good.

Because even if it means I have to break out of my safety zone, hurtle through like a runaway train even, I think I actually have a shot at this thing.

I'll conveniently forget I said that about Nicholl and Austin, both of which double dinked me in the space of a month. 

I'll just earn my stripes as a writer and pick myself up, brush myself up and move on to the next project.  Someday it's going to pay off.

I don't care what the Chatterbox has to say about it.

 

Walking

I heard somewhere that walking is the best exercise.  It's certainly easy.  You don't have to pay any money to join a gym to walk (although you can), you don't have to spend big bucks for special machines to walk (although you can), most people in most shape are able to walk - it requires no special skill or training.  In fact, that it is so easy makes me kick myself for not doing it all those months I sat on my big fat plateau.

Last week I started up walking to the park and back.  I was trying to get Steven into the groove, but waking him up without the use of explosives is futile.  It takes him a while to get moving once he is awake, and generally needs the time to get ready for work.  So I finally decided I could no longer use him as a crutch to walk - I just had to get my happy rear in gear and do it myself.

Well I'm not all by myself.  Winston has resumed the role of taskmaster.  He makes sure if I don't take him for "his" walk, I'm going to be sorry. 

So last week we managed to make it to the park Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  Not only that but I also managed to do Pilates Wednesday and Friday also.  I've got my pedometer on and I'm aspiring to those 10,000 steps. 

It allowed me to cheat a bit on the diet on Saturday.  We went over to my sister's for an impromtu family reunion.  She made filet mignon, real mashed potatoes, broccoli and cheese and corn with buttter.  Amazingly enough, though I indulged in these things my calories only came in at 1900 - which is within my goal range.  What bumped me up is the wine I also indulged in, and that took me to 2100.

Anyway I step on the home scale this morning and I'm the same weight - no gains.  Probably because my body promptly got rid of the bad stuff as if to say, "What's THIS???"

And at 7:30am I was out the door and on my way for another walk.  The plan is to walk this 3 mile trek (this is with the smaller route at the park) five M-F, and do Pilates M, W, and F. 

My sister and her future daughter in law walk about 5-6 miles a day, they haven't much modified their diet and she's lost 8lbs so far.  This confirms to me how vital walking is.

Once I get the 3 mile trek down then I'm going to incorporate the longer route, to bump it up to 4 miles.  Right now, especially with the heat, both Winston and I require a little conditioningbefore we tackle that goal. 

In the meantime I'm burning up points on the Presidential Challenge page.  I've already earned over 12,000 points.  The first award you can aspire to is a patch, and it requires 6 consecutive weeks logging in 30 mins of activity or more a day for five days a week.  My lazy arse has so far been unable to accomplish said goal.  Interestingly enough, I'm more than halfway to the bronze award (20,000 points), so I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I reach that goal before I get the patch.

Either way I'm feeling good, I'm feeling positive, the endorphins are flowing and I'm off to work.

 

A Day of Rest. Right

Over the last couple days a screenwriting buddy of mine took My Immortal and slashed it to shreds.  He's sending me my newly mashed ego in segments.  Yesterday I took it on the chin.  Today I'm bleeding a little.  Fortunately he peppers it with, "I know you're better than this", but it still reads: This story blows.

And this after I took some of his suggestions and revamped (haha, little pun for you there) the entire draft.  I trimmed it from a fat 119 pages to a lean and mean 105, punching up some of the scenes for more umph.  I was so proud of it I was ready to send it off to one of the film makers I told you I met in Vegas. 

His reality has no place in my writing high. 

I also learned why weight and wait are the same word separated by complicated spelling.  I'm holding steady at 279, and this time I lost no inches.  I don't think it's another plateau, I think it's very much related to my least favorite letters in the alphabet - PMS.

Which brings me to the other lesson I learned today.  Giving in to the fatigue I vegged on the couch watching Beaches.  BIG MISTAKE.  I haven't sobbed that hard at a movie - especially a movie I've seen at least a dozen times - ever.

The reason it hit me harder this time than ever before is this is the first time I've watched it since Dan passed away.  CC losing her best friend threw into sharp focus that I lost mine too.  I have my best friend Jeff of 24 years, I also consider Steven my best friend in addition to my husband - but Dan was also my best friend for many years.  I grew up with him.

As I sat there crying, I wondered why this was still so hard.  It's been nearly a year but sometimes the pain is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.  It still hurts so much, and just doesn't seem fair that he's not here with us.  Sometimes I liken it to the fact he was so young, but the fact is I'd still feel that way even if he had been 90. 

Sometimes I think it's because I knew him longer than any other person I've lost.  I knew my dad 11 years.  I knew my neice 2 years.  I knew Brandon 9 days.  With Dan I knew him 16 years.  And I think the longer you know someone you're close to there's a certain spiritual meshing that goes on.  When they're gone, you definitely feel the void.  And watching a movie we'd watched many times, about thekind of life long friends that we were, starring one of his favorite entertainers (Bette), hearing a song that was a tribute to those quiet folks in our lives who support us fully and let us have all the glory of who they've helped create us to be - was one of those moments.

So, I'm wrecked.  I'm going to take a nap. 

Another Four Letter Word... WAIT

I don't like to wait for anything.  Most of you probably know this from the big fuss I make that the weight loss isn't coming fast enough for me.  I generally don't have a lot of patience "in the moment" as I wait for the things I want.  I want what I want when I want it.  This is spoken like a true "Me" generation baby who hit her stride in the wonderful 80s. 

What's particularly troublesome is I have seem to have only two speeds in this arena.  I'm either possessed and obsessed trying to make it happen NOW, or I'm putting it off and bowing to the Procrastinating gods as I blissfully bury my head in the sand and consider it so far in the future it's a non issue.

Case in point.

My mother recently rented a house from my same landlord.  Turns out, they have a new pet deposit policy that went into effect five months after we moved in.  Instead of the one time non refundable deposit we had to make, she would have to tack on an additional $50 per month in order to have a pet. 

Thankfully we were protected by our lease when this change took place, but in January our lease is up and we'll have to sign another one.  And I don't want to have to pay $50 extra per month to have a pet. 

Until this unexpected turn of events, I was perfectly happy staying here until we actually bought a home of our own.  There are several things that we need to do before we can accomplish this (pay off some debt, save up a down payment, improve our credit scores, etc), and when we moved in it was my total intention to spend the year doing that.  Well here it is, 7 months later, and I haven't done squat.

Head in sand mode.

Chatting with my best friend last night who happens to have also been a Realtor, he actually enlightened me that I *could* get into a house without all the work and time I thought I needed - which excited me to no end.  Not only could I get into a house, but I could get into a nice house.  Instead of throwing money away in rent, I could be investing it into a house and my credit would be positively affected.

So all excited I slammed into the bedroom, scaring a still sleepy Steven half to death, and exclaim that we were going to put the pedal to the metal and work like dogs to be able to not only move out in January, but move into a home.  We could trim the bills, pay some stuff off, and just make a concentrated effort to tackle this task.

Hello possessed-obsessed-have to make it happen NOW mode.

I even considered taking on a second job.  I was a woman on a mission.

Then Steven had to take his mean ol pin and pop my fragil wil balloon and remind me that one of the things we had to pay off was impossible to pay in just five months.  Maybe a year, he said.  But not five months.

So here I am, my psyche stuck in between two completely opposing gears and I can tell you.  It sucks.

Winston and I went for our walk this morning and all I could do was look at all the houses and think - Geez, am I ever going to be able to own one of these?  I was working and reworking possible solutions in my head in between the resolution I would just have to wait and be patient. 

Ever since I was 18 I always felt there was time for all this... now as 35 looms large in the near future, I wonder what the heck I was waiting for. 

Kind of like the weight.

So I guess it's just going to be a matter of hurry up and wait for this matter as well.  Do what it is I know I need to do and know that in the end, it will take care of itself.

I just have to learn a new gear.  The slow and steady wins the race gear.  The enjoy where you are on the way to where you're going gear.  The totally un-Ginger like gear.

It's a lot easier to get to that gear in the weight loss, because I'm already well engrossed in the journey.  All I have to do is look at old photos or put on the smaller clothes and I know I can make it through another day.  All the good days add up and I see the improvement.  I see myself becoming who it is I want to be. 

So I know if I just make the small changes slowly and methodically, the financial growth will come as well.

I just have to wait.

<sigh>

Comfortable in Their Skin

Over the last couple of days I've watched Pirates of the Caribbean and Benny & Joon.  One thing struck me about both Johnny Depp characters, aside from the fact I think he's frickin brilliant as an actor, and that is the characters he plays are so comfortable in their skin.

They don't question whether or not they have the right to be themselves, they just are.  If you're along for the ride, great.  If not, no skin off their noses. 

I have so much respect for this quality.  I scurry around like a little mouse waiting for permission to be myself, saving that only for those I know already like me and won't reject me.  Every time I try to exert my own unique personality, the minute it gets squashed down I clam up and become a chameleon, changing myself for the environment I'm in.  Reason being is my personality is very strong and can be off putting.  If in a debate I tend to come off as personally attacking my opponant, when I take great pains to avoid doing just that. 

I remember a time with my former boss who was extremely negative, trying to stay cheerful and positive, and having her tell me I was "too cheerful".  Knowing what I know now I could tell her with all certainty there is no such thing.  But back then, I scaled down my naturally positive personality and turned into that silly chameleon, taking on her personality so that I would be accepted.

I don't know when I started that, I really don't.  When my dad was alive I never worried about being accepted.  But when he died I guess that part of me died with him.  When puberty hit with all its wonderful little pitfalls like acne, making an already tease target like a 200lb teenager easy prey for junior high heirarchy, more and more of me disappeared.

The fatter I got, the worse it got.  I bought into the myth that I was only as good as I looked.  I bought into the big fat lie that as a woman I was only as good as my dress size.  It's funny how the more imposing I allowed my body to become, the more my soul shrank.  The more the real me seemed to disappear. 

Even still the thoughts linger that once I get to goal weight I'll be better somehow.  I mentioned the sitcom contest a few entries back.  I'm so locked up when it comes to writing this thing because I think deep down the thought of winning scares me.

Bravo is hosting a search for the next sitcom, and they've put out a call to have contestants come up with a premise, write the script and send it in.  The top five people get to meet with executives and pitch their ideas.  The top two pitches enter a ten week competition where they get to go through the process of how a sitcom develops.  This will be televised.  At the end of the ten weeks, the Bravo audience gets to choose which one they like better, and that person is the winner.

Imagine the terror this might strike in the heart of a lily livered chameleon like myself.  The person I depend on to handle the face to face stuff like pitch meetings will have to stay behind to work this new great job he has, plus look after the kids.  So I have to fly solo. 

What's especially interesting to me is that I don't question I *can* make it to this level.  With getting dinked in the Nicholl and possibly the Austin Film Festival, what makes me think I have what it takes to beat the competition (of possibly experienced TV writers)?  But yet, I think I have a shot - or else I wouldn't even enter.  I don't play games I can't win. 

If it does happen, it will do much to yank me out of my comfort zone, that's for sure.  So I long for the ease with which I see other people sail through life as if they have every right in the world to be there on their terms, never compromising who they are for what they want. 

I guess that's one more muscle I'm going to have to exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I did go for a walk this morning.  I've been up since before 6am and I'm going to do my level best to get one more walk in tonight and go to bed at a reasonable time (instead of right this second, cuz I could really use a nap).

I just realized I forgot to do Pilates earlier.  Good habits are easy to break.  Better get cracking before the kids get home. 

 

Exhaustion Thy Name is PMS

It occured to me last night as I scarfed everything in sight that my exhaustion was indeed hormonal.  I suffer from PMS, and with it comes mood swings, exhaustion, and cravings.  I eat every thing in sight.  Even my cats looked worried. 

Thank God for sugar free Hershey bars, that's all I'm sayin.

The schedule flipping didn't work exactly like I hoped, but I'm not giving up.  It may take more than one day.  I am getting older.  Used to be I could stay up in 36 hour marathons with my best friend.  Now if I'm a few minutes over 16 hours I'm cranky and in need of a nap.

I guess if I want to get a walk in I'm going to have to get dinner started.  Enchiladas - nummy.  I love cheating my favorite foods.  If I could find a way to cheat Chinese food I'd be in Food Heaven.

It's a good thing I can now cheat chocolate or else it would be an ugly, UGLY few days around this PMS suffering household.

 

I Do, Part Deux

Here are the photos from the renewal, the ceremony was done in front of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel & Casino. 

Enjoy.  :)

Hey Tortoise, Wait Up!

I am exhausted.

I don't know why I'm exhausted, I get plenty of sleep.  But I could totally go back to bed right now. 

My schedule has flipped back to sleeping in the day and being awake at night - that never helps. 

I've been taking pills for my back because it's been giving me grief since we came back from Vegas.  I'm sure that doesn't help.

And yes, the minor introduction of sugar back into the diet (in the form of real lemonade) probably really doesn't help.

Sleeping through my first Monday "Back on Program" didn't help either.

<sigh>

All that energy I had pre-Vegas has evaporated.  It's exasperating.  This is typical of the recovery period after a vacation.  I work so hard, non stop, day to day, that when I get days to myself that I can do what I want when I want, my body wants to continue the life of leisure. 

So I'm back off the sugar.  I'm going to use today to flip over my schedule so that I can be out and walking again tomorrow morning, and include Pilates tomorrow while everyone is at work or school.  I've got my chromium handy.  I'm prepared.

If only the body were willing.  LOL

It may also be a hormonal thing, PMS is not my greatest friend. 

I think maybe a week of cleansing my diet with salads might help too.  I've wanted to do that anyway for a while now.  It always seems to help. 

I've got too much to do to feel this tired.

Wake me when it's tomorrow.

 

Month #8 Photo Update

My schedule has been so funky since we got back.  Basically I've slept a lot, trying to recouperate from the massive walk-a-thon I did in Vegas.  Did I mention it was like 53,000 steps??

Today was weigh in and I am now at 279lbs and 1oz.  Tried though I might I couldn't get under that 279 barrier.  Next week.

It's still a pound loss though.  I'll take it. 

This week it's time to get serious.  Time to get back on program.  Time to get. It. Together.  Pilates, here I come.

I would like to point out that the shirt I'm wearing in the August photo up there is a Tshirt I bought in Las Vegas off the rack, thank you very much.  Normally I never got Tshirts for myself because they never fit.  Today, as you can see, they do fit.  By my next trip to Vegas, I expect that 2X I'm wearing there to be loose.  I'm going to be a lean, mean, shopping machine come next trip to Sin City.

Right now I'm planning my next plane trip.  That seat belt fit, baybee, and the world is my oyster. 

It's amazing how those NSV (non scale victories) can make the numbers on the scale really irrelevent.

I'm feeling so confident that I'm ready to enter a sort of reality based writing contest on Bravo.  They're searching for the next great sitcom and I came up with an idea over the trip that excites me enough to actually enter.  This could mean Miss Fade Into the Woodworkd could actually be thrust into the limelight if my script gets picked.  And believe it or not, I'm not really all that tripped out about it.  Even knowing my safety net (Steven) may not be able to be a part of the process with me.

I'll work it out and let you know the details in a couple of weeks.

Good Lord, put a seat belt around this girl and she thinks she can take over the world.

Who knows what's next??

Goodbye Seat Belt Extensions...

Hello world!

Yep, you heard right.  I flew without needing the seat belt extention.  I'm extremely psyched about this.

I also input everything on my fitday food journal and found I ate over my calories, but still moderate (generally under 2500 calories), and I more than made up for it in steps.  On Monday I clocked in 22,000 steps in one day. 

By Tuesday night I was really feeling it.  My back and legs are putting up quite the protest, I think I may have overdone it.

I did not make up for deprivation at the restaurants in gambling, shopping or drinking like I feared I might.  Truth is, I didn't deprive myself of much of anything.  The first buffet we hit was the Paris buffet (it came with the room offer).  They didn't have a big section of fresh fruits and veggies, but I think I still did okay.  I tried a bunch of different foods in small portions, generally no larger than 1/2 cup (most times 1/4 cup).  At Paris I did indulge in Brie, but only one piece. 

The next buffet we did was at Harrah's, which probably was our favorite buffet of our entire trip.  There I employed my eat a big salad first theory and it really worked.  By the time I went for my main entree, I was no where near as hungry and the portions were a lot smaller.  Here I didn't indulge at all, I even got to eat a sugar free piece of coconut cream pie.  They had a big section of sugar free desserts.  They also had a dreamy mahi mahi that was so tender and delicious had I not had that salad at the start I may have eaten more than one piece.

The next buffet we did was an all night buffet at the Boardwalk, I had an omelet with the works.  This one was breakfast only with no real fruit or anything to speak of so it was a little naughtier than I had hoped for.

The next buffet was at the Hilton, which again had a really good selection of sugar free desserts (I ate a piece of chocolate cake here).  I even tried an oyster (it was all about trying new foods this trip).  Again I had a salad first, only this time I put some shrimp cocktail on the salad plate too.  While Steven was eating most of the barnyard, I was trying to wolf down the ocean.

The last buffet we did was at the Riviera and here I did go off the diet a bit.  Those breakfast buffets were killers - and since this also was an all night buffet that was the main food offered.

As for drinking, I did drink generally 2 Coronas a day.  I never overdid it like the Great Champagne Incident of 2002, so I'm pretty pleased about that.

And gambling was very moderate overall.  Our gambling budget was very small so I ended up on the nickel slots which were very good to me - surprisingly.  I ended up winning $190 on three slots, one of which was a penny slot.  This was our last day there and a very nice way to top things off.

The trip definitely had its ups and downs.  Our bus broke down in Bullhead City Arizona, right in the turning lane that would have put us at the bus station.  We ended up stranded there for about three more hours while they found a new bus.  Then when we got to the hotel they needed a credit card to secure each of the day for their services - we'd get it back only when we checked out.  This tied up some of our capital.

Because we got in three hours later, we didn't make it out of the Paris at all until close to midnight.  This meant after the walking, sightseeing and minor gambling we did we didn't get back to the room until 5am.  This set off our schedule to do anything we had the coupons to do for the rest of the trip.  The next day we didn't get up until close to 1pm.  Las Vegas was hit by a major thunderstorm that flooded the streets and even started coming down in Bally's Hotel through the light fixtures in their lobby. We even got video of some of the ceiling coming down.

This is where we discovered the monorail they now have that goes from the MGM Grand (on the far south end of the strip) to the Sahara (at the far north end of the strip).  We met an interesting bunch of folks this way - I'll tell you about one on another entry.

The rain also seriously compromised our renewal because it knocked out the power at the chapel we were going to use.  At first they weren't going to let us get our deposit back when we didn't want to go to the second chapel they used, but then we found a compromise where they came to us and did it right there in front of Paris on the strip itself.  At first I was a little nervous to do that and be the center of attention, but it ended up being really cool.  The reverend was a really nice lady who conducted a lovely service, and right when Steven was reciting his vows I could see the fountains at Bellagio going off - which wastotally cool.

We did draw a crowd of tourists who took pictures of us themselves, and ended up clapping when we were done.  That was very neat.  I am currently processing the photos from the renewal so by beginning of next week I should be able to post them here.

One of the neater things that happened to us, coming in as my second favorite thing that happened while we were there, we were stopped by a couple of filmmakers who were shooting a documentary and asked if we would answer a question for them.  We did and they filmed our responses, and I'm fairly sure I'll be included in the final film because they really liked what I had to say.   I'll get into this more at length later also. 

So all in all it was a very enjoyable trip.  We got to see and do things we hadn't done there before, and I feel that I didn't over do or over indulge in any aspect presented by being in Las Vegas.  In fact, I weighed in today and quite frankly I hadn't gained one ounce, literally, during the trip. 

This is very good news.

Above are a few photos, we ended up not taking as many as I usually take. 

Anyway I'm going to go try and recouperate some more before I work my tushy off the next four days to make up for the three I missed.

Weigh In

The lack of sleep did me in.  I didn't get to sleep until 5:30am and woke up at 10:00am.  Weighed in at 280.  I always show a gain when I don't get proper sleep.  <shrugs>  It'll just be a more drastic loss when I get back.  I also gained 2 inches, so there may be some water retention going on.  I anticipate that will continue through the bus ride because I'm phobic about going to the restaurant in moving vehicles - this includes airplanes.  Truthfully it's more I'm afraid I won't fit - so I hold water like a camel till the required stops.

Anyway I have an hour to mop the floors, make the bed, vacuum the bedroom, take out the trash, scrub down the kitchen and touch up the bathrooms.  Plus put on my makeup and get out the door to take Timothy to my sister's.  Jeremiah is already with Grandma. 

I'm sure there's like ten things I have yet to pack too.

Aiiiiggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh.

But I'm okay.  Really.  : /

Y'all take care and I'll see you on Wednesday.

 

Hectic Preparations

No walk today either, but I'm sure I got some steps in.  I've been up and down and all over the place trying to get some stuff done.  Talk about your chaos.  I'm doing twenty things at once and I'm completely scatterbrained.

But I'm happy. 

I'm going to get a weigh in tomorrow morning so one more entry and then I'll be gone until the 18th.  In other words.. my journal will be dark - to use a Vegasy term.

Catch you in the morning.

**Edited later....

4:10 am.

Insomnia sucks.

I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve.  As I'm laying there trying my hardest to go to sleep since about 2am, all I can think of is stuff I have yet to pack or else I'll forget, things I have left to do, like straighten the house, mop the floors, wash the bedding just in case my Mom stays at the house.  

We already went to Walmart to pick up munchies for the trip as well as school supplies for the kiddoes.  I think I did pretty well.  Considering I won't have any way to eat the proteins I normally eat, I allowed myself minor sweets.  By that meaning honey flavored pretzels and animal crackers.  I also picked up some banana chips as well as some almonds, just for the blood sugar.  I'm also taking my chromium along.  I'm going to have my Kashi cereal in the morning (if I ever get to sleep that is) and a peanut butter sandwich before we hit the road.  Hopefully the protein from those two meals, plus the dinner I'm treating my best friend to before jumping on the bus, will help keep things steady until we get to Vegas Sunday afternoon. 

Meanwhile I just remembered five things I need to pack so I better go put this energy to good use.

I hate this not being able to sleep, I know it's going to screw with my numbers on the scale tomorrow.  Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer.  Let my luck begin before I even get to Vegas.  LOL

 

Success at the Restaurant, Failure at the Track

Well my back put up quite the protest this morning so I ditched the morning walk, and with the errands I had to run there was no walk in the evening.  I even forgot to put the odometer on so all the walking I did doing said errands must go uncounted.

Since we were out and about we went out to eat.  I was faced with my first restaurant outing since my decision to cut sugar from my diet.  I went through a LOT of push and pull on what I wanted to have, and what I knew I shouldn't have.  We thought about going to Zookini's but the temptation to have a slice of key lime pie was too great.  Then we thought about Furrs because they do have sugar free desserts, but I decided it was more important to have people wait on me rather than have a sweet treat.  We finally decided on the Cotton Patch because I decided I wanted their Buffalo Chicken Salad.  I had water rather than lemonade, and I did eat one roll but turned down any extra bread baskets.  I didn't even eat all of the salad. 

And I didn't have dessert, even though they had homemade blackberry cobbler with ice cream on top.  THAT is an accomplishment.

But I was very highly rewarded at Walmart a little later when I found my second favorite ice cream, sugar free sweetened with Splenda AND low fat.  So it's all good.

So like I said I had success at the restaurant - and hopefully I'll be back on the track again tomorrow.  It won't be tomorrow morning though, I'm working late tonight.  So I'll walk the big track tomorrow night.  Maybe twice, depending on how my back treats me tomorrow.

 

I got both walks in...

That was the good news.

The bad news is, it came in at under 10,000 steps.  Which leads me to believe that the walk from the house to the park, around the park and back is closer to 3.5 miles.

That's a problem easily solved.  We'll just walk the 2 mile trek twice.

I don't know if I'm up for it though.  I've been getting up early to go to the park and I've needed a nap the last three days.  Which means I haven't gotten 8 full hours of sleep since the weekend, and I'm wiped.   I drug my tail big time today.  Monday I raced around that mile track in twenty minutes.  Yesterday it was 25.  Today it was 30.  LOL  And it took me a full hour to do the 2 mile trek which I normally do in 40 minutes.  That month of no exercise has seriously come back to kick my hieney.

My back still twinges a bit, so I'm not trying to go overboard.  Baby steps.

Speaking of steps: 9507 total today.

Almost there...

Hopefully I'll get the big track under my belt twice tomorrow.  But given it's nearly 1am, who knows if I'll be very mobile at all.

I'm giving myself permission to work up to it.

 

Life is What Happens When You're Busy Making Plans...

Ok, another 10,000 day bust.  This time because of work. 

But I'm not deterred.  I'm frustrated, but not deterred.  I'm determined to get those steps in.  Grand total of steps for today is 4292. 

The good news is I'm finding more clothes that fit me at the smaller size.  There is a saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."  For me, for now, I can safely say, "Nothing tastes as good as thinner feels."  I really can't tell you how happy it makes me to try on stuff that hasn't ever fit or hasn't fit in years and it fit fine.  Or at least be very close to fitting fine. 

In fact, I'm even considering a garage sale.  The ebay thing isn't working like I had hoped, but I was a little skeptical that used clothes could sell anyway.  This way I can get rid of all the stuff I'm pulling out of the garage that none of us can wear, stuff that's too big for me or too small for the kids. 

I'm not a garage sale person.  I don't like going to them and I loathe hosting them even more.  Steven has agreed to host it so that might be something to consider once we get home.  I have to do something, the rod in my closet is about to snap under the weight of all the clothes.

Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and get to bed, 6am rolls around awfully early in the morning.

At least I'm getting one walk in if nothing else.

Tomorrow!

 

 

Day One of the 10,000 Step a Day Program

And we fizzled out at 5858 steps.  I only walked once today because of errands we had to run and a lasagna that went horribly awry.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to definitely walk twice tomorrow.

Today was a mall day.  I'm becoming such a mall rat.  New shoes, new danglies and even another $6 shirt from Pennys.  It was a lacey tank top good for very hot temps - can you say 100+ degree weather?  I knew that you could.

Can I just say how jazzed I am that I can fit into stuff I buy at a regular department? 

And I know now why I've developed a sudden interest in clothes and shoes.  I now care about how I look.  I feel like I look better so I want to look as best I can.  I have some great outfits for the trip, I'm going to be so stylish.  I even have my eye on another new outfit at the new smaller size there at Lane Bryant.  Used to be I couldn't even fit into those clothes, I could only buy the catalog stuff.  So that I can go to a store like that and really dress up nicely really makes me happy.  More than happy.

I even tried on these high super sexy shoes with dangly jewels on the straps.  It was cool because it zipped in the back instead of latched and they were totally killer shoes.  I stood up and realized, I haven't lost *that* much weight because they weren't very comfortable to walk in. 

But they're good goal shoes.

Steven had a great first day on the job.  Go check out his journal where he posted about it.  Now that he works a sane schedule he'll probably be posting more.

And you can all thank my best friend Jeff for the following link.  You'll never fold clothes the same way again.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/fold.php

I have watched it numerous times and I have done it numerous times but I still don't understand how it works.  Go grab a t-shirt and be prepared to be amazed.

Meanwhile it's time to hit the hay and get ready for another great walking day.

 

 

New Lifestyle Commitment

I've been struggling almost from the beginning of my weight loss journey for a name for my eclectic, home made program.  I steadfastly resist the term diet, because that suggests a temporary eating style in order to lose weight.  Fad diets come to mind, the unrealistic eating habits that no one can healthily maintain for the long term.  Which is why they fail, because people aren't being taught to make the proper eating choices. 

I'm convinced the lifelong weight loss/maitenance success comes from a commitment to eating right and exercising.  You gotta watch what you eat and you gotta move.  A lot of people say they've tried everything they can to lose weight and it just doesn't work, but when you look at their lifestyle and their eating habits it becomes quite clear why they're heavy. 

So I've finally coined a term for this thing that I've managed to turn into a 72 pound weight loss.  Are you ready?  Get your pencil ready, you'll want to write this down.

NEW LIFESTYLE COMMITMENT

Because that's what this is.  It's a commitment to live a healthier life, making better choices for health's sake, not just to lose weight.  It's something to maintain for the rest of my life, not just till I get to goal weight. 

The first element of this new lifestyle commitment was how I decided to fuel my body.  How a total food lover like me could learn to turn down some of the foods I love most - possibly for a lifetime. 

And speaking as the Queen of Deprivation, I can tell you the freedom to make these choices is liberating, not constrictive.  From the beginning after I ditched the South Beach Diet to even now with the low sugar guideline I've given myself.  Last night I had a strawberry shake and it tasted just as good as anything I could get at Dairy Queen, with a whole lot less fat and sugar.  I eat pretty much whatever I want.  When I found out that corn tortillas were in the "low" end of the glycemic index there was no stopping me.  I can have Mexican food!  This is big news for a native Texan!

I know I'm going to have my challenges when I get to Las Vegas.  Their Mexican food will probably be higher in fat (I can control this at home with low fat alternatives to tortillas, cheese and meat).  Their goodies will probably have sugar and I'll have to really work at finding something that I can eat.  But the good news is I have this new lifestyle commitment training that will help me make the best choices I can. 

The second part of this commitment is the hardest to incorporate.  It's the exercise part.  Getting out there and moving.  Finding something I like to do that doesn't feel like such a chore to get through.  So far, walking has been that magic formula for me.  Back in January I lost 12lbs in one month just by attempting 10,000 steps per day.  The summer has been unforgiving as far as heat goes, and Steven's night time schedule didn't help much, but I'm back on track to do this, 3 miles a day, as of tomorrow morning.  While walking all I'm concentrating on is getting from point A to point B.  It's not something I think about doing for the rest of my life.  But if I had to do something for the rest of my life, I can definitely see walking as an attainable goal.

So consider Las Vegas my final exam.  I'm flying blind, with only my hard earned knowledge of what works and what doesn't as my safety net.  I won't be able to count calories, and I have to tell you that's the scariest part.  Fitday.com is my lifeline.  I watch my calories like a hawk, micromanaging my meals and my day.  How will I react when I no longer have the lines to color within? 

Next week tells the tale.

Next week we find out if I really have a

NEW LIFESTYLE COMMITMENT

or a

NEW LIFESTYLE COMMITMENT EXCEPT WHILE ON VACATION

Get your red pens ready, y'all.  You're going to be grading me when I get back.

 

Saturday Weigh In

<drumroll please>  I now weigh 278 lbs.  Yayyyyyyy!  That's a pound loss.  We like to see those numbers go down.  Plus I lost 2 inches, don't ask me how.  It must have been one of those hormonal bloating things last week or something.

I'm really excited about next week.  I've decided I'm going to dig out my trusty pedometer and I'm going to go back to walking 10,000 steps a day.  I was having my best sucess doing that.  And next week Steven gets back on a sane human schedule so that means we can do a mile in the morning and the two miles at night.  Hence, 10,000 steps.

I'm really looking forward to seeing how many steps I get in per day in Las Vegas.  Just walking through one hotel alone should get me 10,000 steps!  You always have to go through the maze of the casino to get to where you want to go (pretty sneaky of them isn't it??) so I can just imagine how many steps I'm going to get in.

I'm also going to buy a little journal type purse sized notebook so I can write down everything that goes into my mouth.  I'm going to allow myself to eat whatever I want ONLY if I write it down and get 10,000 steps a day.  In other words, I'm not counting calories.  This doesn't mean pigging out of course, and I already have my buffet strategy lined up.  I must have a salad first (to fill up on all the good veggies) THEN I can sample whatever entrees they have, in small portions.

Of course I'm not going to go hog wild.  I'll seek out the sugar free goodies and go brown sauce over cream sauce, broiled over fried, and all the other tricks I've since come to embrace. 

But these are going to be liveable rules.  I can have something alcoholic ONLY if I drink my 8 glasses (or bottles) of water first.  It shouldn't be difficult considering Vegas is in the triple digits right now.  I'll be sloshing as I walk no doubt!

Anyway it'll be an interesting exercise to come back home, put everything in on Fitday and see how I do flying "blind".  I feel like I'm about to take a final exam LOL.

I'm in a good mood.  I just love to see those numbers go down. 

What I love more than anything, though, is being back in control of my life.  I really cannot wait to get back out there on the walking trail.  I know that it may stagnate my weight loss (building muscle vs. losing fat) BUT I'm prepared for that.  I know I'm doing everything I need to do to lose weight.

The weight has no choice but to go.  I won't lie, the quicker it goes the happier I'll be, but being back in the driver's seat is really very cool.  I may be a control freak but I'm a happy control freak.  :)

 

A Huge Step

I decided today that we live life like we play poker. 

It came to me as we were out and about doing errands, and I happen to notice this studio that offers services like voice over, recording commercials and script writing.  I noted the website information and planned on investigating the matter further before ever attempting any contact.

Steven, however, marched right in and took the bull by the horns.

In each of our own ways we handled this matter the way we play poker.  Steven takes chances and risks big (he also wins more than I do), me, on the other hand, I am very conservative, only playing when I have a hand and never risking big unless I know the odds are tipped in my favor.  I have much more staying power and do better at tournaments.

Anyway, back to what I was telling you all yesterday in that I have a hard time seeing the "new" me as opposed to the "old" me, my closet is full of clothes that are now big enough to be "too" big.  You know, it no longer works as the camoflauge it used to, instead I look frumpy and dumpy and I'm actually not comfortable anymore in these too big clothes.

Well yesterday I took a page out of Steven's book and put some of these items up on Ebay to sell.  In doing so, I'm taking away my safety net if this weight loss effort doesn't succeed.  I'm also being industrious about it - creating an income to provide for the new smaller clothes I'm going to need.

It was a huge step.  I'm very cautious, I like to keep my options open.  In this way I'm painting myself right into a corner - I literally can't afford to go back to the way I used to live. 

It was a good day - we bought our bus tickets to Vegas (half price super saver fare), got the car repaired so that it can actually make the trip to Amarillo and did some more grocery shopping.  Got a nice thunderstorm to cool things down, came home to children actually ready to help with the chores (shocker!) and now am dealing with what seems like a house full of children.  I'm either going to have to employ yoga or Prozac, I haven't yet decided.

Steven is two days away from being free from the graveyard shift.  I'm really happy about that.  I'm all about schedules and by Monday we're going to be able to schedule our life in a somewhat normal fashion, including one to two walks per day.  I think I'm finally up for it.  I'm saving the Pilates until after we return from the trip and the kids are in school.  It's just a lot easier to do when you don't have kids underfoot.

Speaking of which it's time to prepare dinner and feed the savages. 

 

Fitting In

My best friend forwarded me this news article a day or so ago: http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/wwn/20031117/106908120003.html

He was outraged.  I, however, was deeply humbled.

You see, having been much heavier myself, this sort of thing was a constant source of stress to me.  It's hard to fit in when you're as big as I used to be.  I couldn't fit into restaurant booths, I couldn't fit on certain roller coaster rides (I actually got ousted once - was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life), sometimes it was tricky even fitting in certain tubs.

Seatbelts stretched to their limit, nearly choking me at the neck.  And the last several times I've flown I needed the seat belt extension.  I was even moved from the emergency aisle because my needing one meant I wasn't eligible to sit there.  I was too fat to save a life apparently.

I couldn't fit into clothes at regular stores, I had to shop specialty stores.  Sometimes it was uncomfortable even sitting in a movie theater seat, depending on if the arms lifted up or not.

What's truly weird is despite the amazing weight loss I've enjoyed, I still fear these things.  I still regard them with extreme caution because I'm scared spitless of not being able to fit.  Even though I have progressed to sitting in any booth I've attempted to sit in, even though I've purchased clothes from a regular department store and they fit, despite the fact that I've lost a whopping 12" around my "girth", I'm even anxious over getting on that airplane a couple of weeks from now.

I know these things "should" accommodate me, but I'm having a really hard time seeing myself as anything but that 350lb woman I allowed myself to be.  When I look in the mirror, I don't see the changes.  I still feel like I used to feel.  I have the occasional "thin" days, they were more frequent when I was able to work out.  Pilates was really doing the trick in molding my body.  But generally I feel too big for the world around me. 

You'd think I'd have gotten rid of it after all this time.  I know I thought I would.  I guess that's where my focus shifts back to the weight loss.  I keep thinking if I just get to the places I used to be I won't feel so big anymore.  When I was a teenager I was in the 210-220s and wearing size 22s, I cannot believe now that hitting that same weight will feel like such a huge milestone to me.

So I guess being closer than I've been in maybe 9 years has got me a little ... eager to get to that next step. 

But it's all about perspective.  I read a thread on the Richard Simmons message board yesterday that said we should celebrate our plateaus.  After we hit goal weight then our eating habits must sustain our new healthy fit selves, it won't be about weight loss anymore.  So plateaus offer us a glimpse at what it's going to be like at goal weight.  When we're eating not to lose, but to live as healthy a life as we can.

It's easier said than done.  This weight loss journey has become such a part of who I am.  Even when I go to Las Vegas, my brain is going to be ever focused on doing what I can to maintain the weight loss (going to the gym at the hotel, walking everywhere possible, watching what I eat and drink).

I just don't feel I can ever just let things slide.  Because in my mind, I feel like I'm so close to being that woman in that news article.  All it takes is just a lax in my attitude and I can easily spiral to bigger than I was before.  Every single day is a new battlefield, filled with challenges to overcome.  When I say that I'm fighting off the fight girl inside, that's not a clever turn of a phrase.  I'm holding that witch off as best I can, sometimes I get the upper hand and sometimes she does ... but every single day she's back and ready to kill me by slow suicide.

The good news is the strides that I have made, although they are not knee jerk reactions, are giving the thin me a strong resolve to keep going.  I may be a little nervous about sliding into a restaurant booth, but once I do and I fit, it is just one more reason to keep going.  And let me tell you this, if I sit on that plane and can hook that seat belt with no help from an extension - I'm going to be unstoppable.  Because to me, that is a great big milestone.  Which is why I wanted to make this trip.

I had always flown Southwest Airlines and enjoyed my experiences, they were always really good to me, very discreet.  Even though I got moved from the emergency aisle the flight attendant was very nice about it and kept the embarrassment to a minimum.  When they decided to enforce their obesity policy (where if a person of size would need to purchase a second seat if they didn't fit into their one) I haven't flown anywhere since.  I could not deal with the embarrassment of possibly needing to purchase a second seat.  Needless to say if I fit into that seat and buckle that belt with no problem, it will open up the entire world to me.

And that fat witch won't have a chubby leg to stand on.

I'm going to fit in.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow.  But soon.  And for the rest of my life.

 

Photo Update, Back to School Shopping and other Stuff

Here are the photos, a day late.  We ended up going shopping for school clothes yesterday and by the time we got home all of us were too tired to do much of anything but collapse.

So the photos finally show some progress - ten pounds and 15 inches lost from the beginning of May.  A little slower than I would have hoped but I'm hopeful that the plateau is behind me and I'm well on my way to goal. 

The shirt is different in the photo because I was able to purchase that at Penneys, and I am just really so psyched about that.  It fits, even though it's a little shorter than I like my shirts to be.  But this is good news.  Out of the four shirts I got yesterday (Penneys had a really great sale), only the button down didn't fit properly.  The girth has got to go.

My hairdresser told me that Penneys had a 75% off sale, turns out it was 70% off everything on clearance.  I think we all managed to clean up on those clearance items.  We saved over $300 and everyone liked the clothes that they got.  I had my eye on a $100 outfit from Lane Bryant (shirt, capri jeans, necklace, watch) for the trip but with buying the kids clothes couldn't afford to splurge.  Instead I paid less than $40 for four shirts. 

We even got to outfit Steven, who never really gets new clothes, with about five shirts and a tie.  The tie was important.  I haven't told most of you yet, but Steven and I have decided to renew our vows while in Las Vegas.  With the year we've had, we thought that we'd like to do an intimate thing just the two of us to renew our commitment to each other.  I'm still planning the big renewal next year at goal weight, that's really important to me, but that's more for me.  This is for us as a couple.  Simple, private, intimate. 

Anyway, when I decided I wanted to do it about a month ago, I started looking around for a nice dress - nothing fancy.  The few dresses I did find that I felt fit what I wanted to do with this particular event I ended up unable to order (price or availability), so I dug around in my closet and found a long shimmery gold skirt that matches the white and gold satin shirt set I got from Penneys a while back.  It's pretty snazzy, I can't think of another event where I would be able to wear this particular outfit again before I grow out of it.  So I figured, all we have to do is find Steven a matching gold tie and he could wear a nice dress shirt and slacks.  Nice and casual - and I'm anal about everything matching.  All I needed was shoes, which I was able to find exactly what I wanted at the mall.  So us finding his gold tie at 40% off was ideal.

This whole trip has been a bargain hunt.  From the hotels to the travel to even the renewal, I've been doing as much comparison shopping as possible to get what I want without going into the poor house to do it.  I'll feel a lot better when we're sitting on that bus on our way to Vegas, because it seems like everything is happening to derail our plans. 

Steven getting the new job meant rearranging our schedule.  Then we find out school starts a week earlier than we expected, while we're out of town, which is specifically what we were trying to avoid.  Now if our car doesn't fall apart it looks like things are a go, so keep your fingers crossed.

Anyway, that is enough of my babbling.  I haven't gotten any walks in this week because of all the errands we've been running, but I think I'm walking just as much just in the errands alone.  I know now what it means to shop till you drop. 

 

A New Me... Again

I know I'm running late for the month check in in the workout gear, but I wanted to share these pictures first. 

Thanks to Mom2, I was able to redo my do, and I wanted to share the results with you all.

This is something I've been toying about doing for a while.  I like the look of highlights, but never been brave enough to give them a try.  It ended up being more expensive than I had anticipated, but I'm really happy with the results.  We did an Angie Everhart base color with blonde highlights.  My stylist Christie says she's going to name the color combo a Ginger Twist.

This is the same place I went when I got my long hair cut initially, and turns out the story had circulated the salon because my new stylist had heard of me.  I was the one who "lost a lot of weight and got my hair cut, donating it to Locks of Love."  So that was kinda cool. 

Anyway that's the update, I'll do the workout photos tomorrow.  Needless to say the majority of my afternoon was spent being pampered.

I kinda liked it!

I want to do a manicure next and have my nails professionally done. 

Could it be my years of boxed color and press on nails are over??